Modern Family S3E11 Script

Lifetime Supply (2012)

So how's the family?

Great. Kids are getting so big. Haley's about to go off...

You can stop holding your stomach in. to college. You still exercising?


I look at Clint Eastwood or Chuck Norris and I think, there's no reason I can't stay tough like..

Oh, tickles!

But... Aw!

That hurt?

No. Not r--ow.


It's probably nothing. You feeling okay?

Yeah. - Maybe we'll just run a couple of tests, just to be safe.

What kind of tests?

If there's anything wrong, I'll give you a call.


So how's the real estate market doing?

Well, interest rates are low, so it's a great time to be a buyer, But if you're a seller, you really have to...

Bend over?

True, but a quality property is still a quality--

No, no, no. I need you to bend over.

Oh. Right.

Well, let's dim the lights, crank up the Norah Jones, and get this over with.

Oh, hey. How'd it go?

Amazing. I was so proud of him.

Oh, thanks, honey.

I'm kind of proud of me, too.

Look at what they gave me.

"California State Bar Association Award, "For Distinguished Service in The Field of Environmental Law."

You should have seen it. They called his name, he went up on stage, he gave a great speech.

It was humble, inspirational, with a touch of dry humor at the end.

It was very Colin Firth.

Oh, Cam, thank you, But... it's hardly an Oscar.

In the environmental law community,

Oh, please, are you kidding me?

I love talking to her. She knows more words than Haley.

Oh, that looks great up there!

How impressed are you with your uncle right now?

So impressed.

I didn't wanna ruin their moment by telling them how many awards I've gotten, but let's just say I don't get out of bed for a trophy that size.

Darn it!

I'm trying to send an e-mail.

This mouse keeps sticking.

Pretty big reaction. It's 10 bucks, tops.

You just reminded me about my dream last night.

I was in the middle of a meadow, coming down a staircase, then suddenly a black mouse showed up.

He stopped, stared at me in the eyes, and opened his little mouth.

What did it say?

What did he say, Jay?

He was a mouse. They don't know how to talk.

Now you're playing logic police?

You're standing on a staircase in a meadow?

In my country, when somebody dreams about a black mouse, it means that something bad is going to happen!

Ah, don't worry about it.

I dreamt about a lucky blue cow.

We're good to go. Hey, Jay, this is what I'm wearing for golfing tomorrow.

Wanted to give you a heads up in case there's some overlap.

What are you going for here?

Matt Damon in "Bagger Vance." You didn't get that?

I did. I think you look just like him.

It's the whole reason I asked you to teach me to golf.

Any sport where you can wear this, I'm in.

Who is that? It's 10:00 at night.

I'll get it. Hold on, Gatsby.

Hola! It's Javier! Open up!


There's my campeón!

There's your black mouse.

Hola, Javier, what are you doing in town?

Well, I missed Manny's birthday, plus I have a free week.

You're staying a week?

Make that go away.

So, Manny, tomorrow, in honor of you becoming a man, I am taking you to the racetrack to enjoy the sport of kings, hmm?

That's so cool!

Actually, Manny and I have plans to play golf tomorrow.

Golfing? Pfft! That is for old men and for women who like women.

Come on. Your dad is in town. Let's go to the races.

Yeah, can we all go?

Ay, no, baby, I can't.

I promised Haley that I was gonna help her with her Spanish.

But Jay's going to go with you. What?

I'm not gonna let Manny take off with Javier by himself.

Once, when Manny was 6, Javier took him to the petting zoo, which later, I found out that was the name of the stripper club.

A real petting zoo would have been cleaner.

But I was looking forward to playing-- You're going.

That I don't miss.

Would you look at that?

Oh, yeah, you know, I never saw us as trophy on the mantle people, but yours looked so gosh darned good up there, I figured, why not be proud of what we've done?

Uh, "First Place, Bass Catchers Spring Fish-Off, Missouri North Division."

2-day total of 10 smallmouth bass weighing 34.24 pounds with a 4 1/2-pound kicker.

So you beat all the other boys aged 12 through 17?

Sure did.

Look at our trophies up there.

We're a couple of winners, aren't we?

Are we?


Where are all my razor blades?

They're not in that box? No.

Well, I guess they're gone.

They can't be gone.

In my 20s, I went on a game show and won a lifetime supply of razor blades.

Okay, Phil, time is up. What is your answer?


Oh! I'm sorry, Phil.

The correct answer is banana cream.

Banana cream.

Banana cream. Well, you got me there, Chip.

But you're not leaving empty-handed, no.

You're going home with a lifetime supply of Genesis twin-blade razors.

What?! Two blades in one razor?

Man, it'll never get better than that!

You must have used them all up.

They said "a lifetime supply."

Honey, you got 15 years of free razor blades.

Put that in the "Win" column and move on.

Mom, is it okay if my friend Walt comes over to play "Rebel Fighters 3"?

Honey, don't you think it is a little weird that one of your best friends is an eighty-year-old man?

No, it makes it more fun, because he was in a real war.

He says cool things like

"See you in hell, Klaus."

I don't even know what that means.

Oh, hey, dad, some doctor called for you.

Dr. Sendroff?

Yeah, that's it. You were in the shower.

What did he say?

He wants you to call him right away.

Oh, well. See you in hell, Klaus.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

He ran a few tests on me yesterday.

He said he'll call if something was wrong.

And now he's calling.

Hi, this is Phil Dunphy.

I'm returning Dr. Sendroff's call.

Are you serious?

What? He's on a flight to London.

Um, is there any way I can reach him, or--uh, uh, someone else I can talk to?

Okay. Fine.

Please just tell him it's urgent.

Thank you.

Oh, boy.

Honey, I am sure it's nothing.

Claire, I'm tender under my arm.

Maybe Luke hit you with his broomstick when you guys were playing Quidditch.

I'm way too fast, he never touched me.

I can assure you you are perfectly fine.

That's very comforting, coming from a marketing major at a party school.

I like the number 4 horse.

He loves this track, his dad won the Preakness, last three finishes were in the money.

I like Miranda's Miracle.


There's this girl Miranda in my class, and she is really pretty.

If she likes me back, it will be a miracle.

Would you bet $2 on that one for me, Jay?

Sure, but you are throwing your money away.

You both are.

The winner of the race will be number 7-- my hometown.

Number 7...

Well, he's carrying 3 extra pounds, and he hates the distance.

Those are just words on a page.

I look the horse in the eye, and he tells me... he is the winner.

Tells ya?

Perhaps this will sound crazy. No need for the qualifier.

But I have always been able to see into the soul of a horse.

It is a gift, and I do not question it.

Just like I always end up on the shortest line at the bank.

Maybe I should bet on your horse.

Are you kidding me? These aren't just words.

They give you all this information, so you can make an informed decision and beat the odds. Yes, of course, and this is why everybody with a racing form is rich.

Now come on. It's time to place our bets.

What's it gonna be, Manny?

$2 on my hometown.

You really think he's going to win?

Well, I only know what he tells me with his eyes.

Don't ask me why, but maybe in some previous life, I was a horse.

Or part of a horse.

Oh, hey, Alex called.

She left her cell phone here.

She's gonna come back and get it.

Cam, did you do something to your fish trophy?

Oh, yeah, I forgot about this fun middle part.

You see, now it looks like a fish jumping out of the water.

Yeah, right over mine.

Do I sense something, Mitch?

You know, just because mine's a little taller than yours, doesn't make yours any less important.

Oh, no. That's not what I was feeling, not even a little bit.

Oh, my god. You don't like that I put my trophy up.

I just think it's a little weird that immediately after I win a trophy, You feel the need to dig this thing up and plop it down next to mine.

I'll have you know that I want to display this for quite some time.

But I put it in box in the garage with all my other awards--

Yes, award-z--

Out of courtesy to a sadly award-less you.

It looks ridiculous.

Mine is a distinguished professional award given to me by my peers, and yours was given to you on a pier.

Okay, well, for your information, when I won this, it was a very big deal.

I cut a ribbon at the grocery store and signed autographs.

"Best fishes, Cameron Tucker"

Oh, you know what? I just remembered!

Mine comes with a really fun pedestal, too!

Oh! Look at that!

Oh, and proper hierarchy is restored. Mm-hmm.

Unless you suddenly remember that your fish came with a top hat.

Okay. Well, you know what?

I'm gonna go get Lily from her party and go to the park.


This award has changed you, Mitchell.

You may be flying high now, but pretty soon, you're gonna be free falling, Tom Petty...

Because you're petty.

Tom Petty.

Hmm? Get it?

About three sentences ago.

Hola, Haley.

Hi, Gloria. Thanks for coming over.

En español, por favor.

Uh, hola, Gloria.

Gracias for coming over.

No, the whole thing.

I don't know the whole thing.

Why do I even need to learn Spanish?

I live in california. I'm never gonna use it.

That's the problem with Americans.

They expect all of us to know their language, but they don't even make the effort to learn ours.

Win a war sometime.

Then we'll start talking like you.

Ha. So wrong.

Oh, hey, Gloria.

Hi, Phil. How are you?

I wish I knew.

Why? What's wrong?

Uh, I don't wanna bum you out.

My doctor did some tests and said he'd call if something was wrong, and he called this morning.

And what did he say?

I don't know. I missed the call.

Now I can't reach him.

The black mouse.

What? In my dream.

It was a bad omen.

But probably not for you.

The staircase.

No, no, no. You're fine. You're fine.

Am I? Get this --

15 years ago, I won a lifetime supply of razor blades.

They ran out... today.

What's with the spitting? Are you warding off death?

No. When I did I think I suck in a little bug.

$16 for the first race, $10 from the second race, plus $34--$60?

You're a genius, dad.

Well, I cannot take all the credit.

It is a particularly chatty group of horses today.

I love gambling! It's so easy!

It's not easy.

Well, not for you. You've lost, what, three in a row?

Oh, burn, Jay!

I'm sorry. That was uncalled for.

This is all so heady.

$50 on little bacon to win.


Yeah, ooh-ee. What? What ooh-ee?

There is something not right about that horse.

I think I saw it, too. You didn't see anything.

This horse is a heavy favorite.

The rest of the pack couldn't beat a merry-go-round.

I'm sticking with Little Bacon.

It's your funeral.

Who are we going with, dad?

Nobody in this race, papito.

It was quiet down there in the paddock just now-- too quiet.

Oh, gee. You know what? Make it $300.

Oh, my.

I'm telling you, kid, this is the one.

And you know how I know?

'Cause it said, "pfft."

They don't talk like that.

"Maria bought a beautiful white dress for her wedding."

Um, Maria compró un hermoso vestido blanco para su-- I-I'm sorry.

I cannot concentrate with him here.

What are you doing?

Just taking it all in.

You're a beautiful, intelligent woman...

And don't you ever forget it.

Wow, he is so weird sometimes.

No, he's not weird! He's a saint!

And you will miss him when he's gone...

One day.

Hey, Uncle Mitchell.

Your, uh, phone's on the table.

What's that?

Oh, Cam's old fishing trophy.

Yeah, when I woke up this morning, that's where I found it.

Right after you got yours?

Thank you!

Oh, my god. Welcome to my world.

Last week, I got this beautiful plaque from the debate team for outstanding achievement, and what did my mom do?

She found one of Luke's "participant" ribbons and a certificate Haley got for showing up somewhere on time, and put all three of them together on the same shelf!

It's, like, so unfair!

I was so glad I talked to Alex, because she agreed with every single thing I was feeling-- which made me realize that I was acting like a 14-year-old girl.

Ah, come on, kid.

I just lost an arm 'cause of you.

Now get your head in the game.

Sorry. I can't concentrate with my dad staring at me.

I just love you so much.

I hope he's talking to you.

Ugh. Oh, great, now I'm dead.

I'm going to the bathroom.

You know, they say that happens.

Hey, Walt.

You ever think about death?

I'm 85. Death is my roommate.

I got a call from the doctor.

There's a 60% chance I'm gonna die.

Ha! Doctors-- said I'd be dead ten years ago.

Look at me.

I'm healthy as a--

I gotta go change my tank.

Phil, you've gotta let this go.

I'm sorry, Claire.

I don't know how to react when I find out there's a 70% chance I'm gonna die.

Honey, listen to me.

You're gonna be fine.

You really think so? I know so.

Claire's my rock.

You know when you're on a plane and there's turbulence, you look at the flight attendants, and if they're still smiling and serving drinks, you know everything's gonna be okay?

That's Claire.

I could also picture her as a cop.

And into the final furlong it's Little Bacon followed by Bradswaxjacket.

Go Little Bacon. Go Little Bacon.

You got this! You got this!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

And the winner is number 9 Little Bacon by 3 lengths.

Yes! I knew it!

You see that, Manny? Dumb luck always runs out.

But if you live in the real world, and you use your head, not have it in the clouds like Dr. Dolittle there, you'll do okay.

Guess we should have listened to Jay on this one, dad.

You got that right. You should have listened to Jay.

And I'll tell you something else.

You can't look in a horse's eyes and tell there's something wrong.

You can't even look in their eyes at the same time --

One's here and one's here!

Come on. Let's go to the window, kid.

I may need some help carrying my winnings.

Oh. Wait.

Jay, look.


What's that?

It is when a horse has committed an infraction.

Possible infraction. Usually it's nothing.

I'm sure...

The number 9 horse Little Bacon has been disqualified for interference.


The winner is number 6, Bradswaxjacket.

You see?

The eyes...

They do not lie.

Tough break, Jay.


Little something for gas.

Cam was right. I-I was being petty.

So I found his box of old trophies and I decided to surprise him by having them on the mantle when he got home.

Well, I was the one who was surprised.

I had no idea how many trophies he had--

First place, and all of them for different things.

Music, football, art show, science fair, a chili cook-off.

A lifetime of accolades hidden away just so I wouldn't feel bad.

Aah! That's a mouse! That's a mou--oh! Ew!

Oh! Disgusting!

Oh, no! No, cam, I-I was gonna make a big display!

I believe you have.

No, no, Cam! There was a--

Oh! Gross!

Listen, Manny, do me a favor and get me a cappuccino from right over there, okay?

No, it's okay. I got it.


You wanna talk about what happened back there?

Not at all. You know... it is not just the horses whose souls I can read through their eyes.

You really wanna know? I'll tell you.

Okay. I'll leave you alone.

All right, listen, hang on.

I'm sorry I went after you like that in front of Manny.

That was wrong.

No, I get it. Nobody likes to lose at the races.

I don't owe this guy anything.

He stops by a couple of times a year to see his kid.

It used to be a relief, gave me a nice break.

But now Manny and I, we got our own thing.

Look, I know I'm not his dad...

Maybe I don't like the reminder.

Oh! Oh, my gosh! Hey, what's up?

What? We came as soon as we heard.

Heard what?

We heard Phil got bad news from the doctor.

Who told you that?


No, I didn't say that he got bad news...

I said that he was getting bad news.

You don't know that he's getting bad news.

I saw a black mouse.

I saw a black mouse.

So he says.

Okay. You guys... Oh, this is worse than I thought!

No, it's not. Listen to me. Listen.

Phil is fine. As a matter of fact, you should go before he even knows you're here.

No, no. We're staying. We're staying.

We got here as soon as we could.

Did you bring the coffee cake?

Yes, I have it right here.

He carried it in from the car. I paid for it.

Listen. Listen to me.

I am very sorry for what you are going through.

Thank you.

Who is this?

Who, indeed?

I am Javier Delgado, Manny's father and Gloria's former husband and lover.

I hope you do not think this is insensitive, but you are a beautiful woman, and you will have no trouble to find a man--...

Javier! The body is not even cold yet!

The body is upstairs watching basketball.

He is fine.

Gloria said he was sick. No.

He went to the doctor, he had some tests.

The doctor called. That's it.

Plus today he run out of his lifetime supply of razors.

That's a sign.

This is a lot of hocus-pocus!

I can't believe I bought a coffee cake over this!

Wait, wait, wait, no, no. I'm confused.

What did the doctor say exactly?

I don't know. We missed his call this morning.

The doctor called on Saturday?

Yeah. So? Nothing.

Not nothing. Not nothing. What?

Well, it's just that, uh, Doctors don't usually call on Saturday with good news.

But they could call--

I mean, he could call with anything.

Do you think he's sick...

What's... what's going on?

Nothing. Nothing. Everybody just came by for absolutely no reason at all.

You look worried.

I'm not worried.

Oh, god. The plane's in trouble.

You put away the drink cart and you're strapping in.

You're gonna be fine, kid! You are gonna be great!

I wish I looked this good.

Stop, please! You're freaking me out.

Are you gonna die?

I don't know! There's stil a 5% chance I'll make it!

It's Dr. Sendroff. Okay. Okay.

Guys, I don't know what's on the other end of this phone call...

But whatever happens, I just want you to know, you've already given me a lifetime supply of happiness.

I remember once as a child--

Answer it! Do it!

Dr. Sendroff?

What's the word?

Are you serious? What?

That's it?

What is it?!

H-hold on one second.

He's calling about a real estate listing. I'm fine.

Ay, no.

Yesterday, you said you'd call if something was wrong.

Then you called, then you disappeared.

That is the most irresponsible, unprofessional thing I've ever heard of in my entire life!

And do you have anyone to represent you in the sale of your current house?

Look into his eyes.

I don't care what the doctor says.

I give him six months.

Stop staring.

So, Phil Dunphy, tell us a little bit about yourself.

Well, Chip, I'm married to a great lady-- Hi, Claire!

And I have a baby girl.

Um, I'm a real estate agent, and I enjoy playing checkers.

Okay. Both Chinese and American.

And, uh, I am a fan of hip-hop.

Well, good for you.

Though I try to stay neutral in the whole east coast/west coast thang.

Next up we have a-- One quick thing--

Shout out to my, uh, college buddy Ling, who built his own helicopter and is taking his first flight today, and, uh, I also wanna wish a happy anniversary to my in-laws Jay and Dede Pritchett.

Your eternal love is an inspiration to us all.

Okay. That's enough.

Next up, we have a homemaker from West Mifflin, Pennsylvania.