Modern Family S3E12 Script

Egg Drop (2012)

So the five keys to investing wisely in a down real estate market are...

Keyp your cool...

Keyp informed...


I recently became a partner in a new agency, so I put together a seminar to recruit first-time home buyers.

I want to give 'em a step-by-step description of exactly what I can do for them.

Am I worried that they might write it all down and just do it themselves?

Quite frankly, I hadn't thought about it until just now.

Do I really have to go to this thing?

Yes. You're a big part of today.

You're my support staff.

Then why am I not getting paid?

That is a good question.

And I think I'm gonna text you the answer on that cell phone we pay for.

Honey, do you wanna practice your part again?

Uh, no. It's just one question. I think I got it.

Yeah, but it's the most important question because it launches me into my big finish.

Yes. That way, people leave excited.

Oh, I think people will be excited to leave.



I'm sorry. It's for school.

I have to design a container that'll protect an egg in a 1-story drop.

Yeah, so, um, you thought you would go with an egg carton?

What if the best idea was under my nose the whole time?

You're gonna need to come down and clean this up now.

Ugh! I wouldn't have to do any of this if Alex would just let me use hers from when she took the class. Never.

That design is my intellectual property.

I think it has applications for unmanned space flight.

Keep talking like that

Luke, honey, listen to me.

You're gonna need to do this project on your own.

And you can do it. Just... really think.

I've got it!

What if I'm the container?

There's a thought. You could be...

No, Luke! Luke!


Okay, si, te quiero. Mwah, mwah, mwah!

I understood "crazy old witch,"

"go kill yourself," then "I love you."

I'll never get this, how you all yell at each other.

That's how you know that your family loves you-- when they feel free to scream at you.

Oh, I guess I owe my ex-wife an apology.

Apparently, she was nuts ab.

Darn it!

Try the next one over a frying pan.

I could use some breakfast.

This is so frustrating.

At least you're getting your hands dirty for a change.

It is a nice break from the life of the mind I usually live. That's the spirit.

Plus it's a metaphor for the human condition.

Aren't we al just fragile eggs hiding behind bubble wrap and bravado?

And we're back.

Well, I'm sure that your egg-droppy thing is going to be the best in the class.

Hmm. Except for Luke's.

Really? Our Luke?

But isn't he, like, a little, like...

I bet Claire's gonna help him, just like she did with his self-portrait for art class.

There was life in those eyes.

It was haunting.

Tell you what. I'm gonna nip this in the bud.

You deserve a fighting chance.

Hey, I'm calling about that, uh, egg project the boys are doing.

Parents aren't supposed to help out on that, right?

Why would the parents be helping?

Why do they cut grapes for 8-year-olds?

I figure if you can eat a chicken finger, you can tear your way through a grape.

Again, dad?

Oh, I'm sorry, it just... bugs me, is all.

The point is, I'm not helping, and I hope no one else is helping, either.

Okay, dad. Thanks for the heads-up.

Love you. Bye-bye.

Well, my dad is doing Manny's project for him.

He called to tell you that?

Oh, no. He called to tell me that he wasn't, which is exactly what you say when you are, but you don't want anybody to suspect it.

Really? Mm-hmm.

What would you say if you had issues with your father?

Claire and Jay are incredibly competitive.

Tennis games, card games, everything.

Who knows why?

Claire is the son that my dad never had.

I mean, he just wanted someone to throw a ball in the backyard.

I did once, but... he did not attend.

Looks like fun.

It was, but now it's hard.

Oh, I'm sure you're gonna do great, buddy...

Eee... Claire?

Uh, I am just showing interest in our son's project, which any parent would--

Think! Think... to do. Thinking... I am, that maybe I should stay here in case Luke has any questions.

Do you think you can find somebody else to help you with your seminar?

I don't know. That's a little last-minute.

You're kind of irreplaceable.

Well, I mean, it's just one question, and the seminar isn't for a few hours...

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Hey, Gloria? Quick favor.

Okay. See you there. Bye-bye.

What was that?


He needs help with a seminar that he's giving.

Why can't Claire help him?

He didn't say. I'll tell you why-- because she's knee-deep in Luke's egg drop project.

She said that she was not going to help.

That's exactly what I would say to me if I was helping my kid and didn't want me to know.

Why would you be talking to you?

I'm just saying it's unfair to Manny.

The kid doesn't stand a chance on his own.

I'm tagging in here.

Jay, he doesn't need you to baby him.

I'm just gonna give him a few tips.

Kid, get yourself a snack.

Okay, I'll cut him some grapes.

Damn it!

Not like that, Jay.

Like this. Look.

It just irritates me, you know what I mean?

We're meeting with prospective birth mothers.

We've had a few of these meetings, and they're very nerve-racking.

You want to look good, you want to make a good first impression-- kind of like a first date.

Actually, it's--it's the opposite of a first date.

You don't wanna have sex, but you do want a baby.

I have to say, Lily is adorable, and such a good eater.

Oh, not all the time.

She just happens to love my tuna salad.

Dolphin safe, of course.

Oh, who cares about that?

Well, I bet the dolphins do.

It's okay to eat tuna, but not dolphin?

My theory is, a fish is a fish.

Mm. Well...

A dolphin's actually a mammal, so...

Eh, to-may-to, to-mah-to.

More like tomato, cow.

Mitchell, can you help me with the scones in the kitchen?


Excuse us.

Okay, this is not really about the scones.

Oh, really? You didn't need help carrying six scones?

No, this is about your need to correct everyone's every little mistake.

I am sorry.

I thought that she could use a basic biology lesson.

Well, let me give you a basic biology lesson-- you and I can't make a baby.

So if she points to a lamp and calls it "Uncle George," what are you gonna say?

"Pleased to meet you, Uncle George."

Very good. Now let's get out there, smile, nod, and get ourselves a baby.


And those are your five keys.

Now if there are no more questions...

Ah, yes, the lovely home buyer right here on the edge of her seat.

I was wondering...

I was wondering, is there a sixth key?

As a matter of fact, there is.

We'll work on that.

It's the key to the new home you've purchased below market thanks to Woosnum, Keneally, and Dunphy.


Fire the confetti cannon, drop the banner, autographs, autographs, autographs, and we're done.

We still have, like, an hour left.

Can I go shopping?

No. I-I have vocal exercises to do, and I need you to do a sound check for me.

Ay, I was hoping we could go to my hair salon.

It's nearby. I didn't have time to finish my hair this morning.

Really? That just happens?

Ooh, and I can get my nails done.

Is it okay?

Okay. Sure.

Oh, oh! Could one of you guys stick this under a chair on your way out?

One of the lucky attendees is going home with a brand-new mouse pad.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

I don't wanna see which chair.

I wanna be blown away like everyone else.

Yes. Now that is feng shui.

Doesn't that feel better?

Oh, yes. This is wonderful for conversation.

Yes, this is nice.

It gives the room a nice flow, which I'm really liking.

Sometimes, your furniture tells you where it wants to be.


Do you mind if I use your restroom?

Not at all. It's-- it's just down the hall.

Just be warned-- there's some furniture in there that kind of likes where it is!

Okay, I know it's killing you to do this whole song and dance, but I think it's going great.

Cam, there's a limit, okay?

We already promised her that we would show her son all 52 states.

Oh, wow, you have a keyboard.

Oh, yes. That's mine.

You're musical. I love that.

It's very important to me.

Oh, well, you're preaching to the choir.

Literally. I've sung in several.

Yeah, we sing to Lily...

All of the time. Mm.

I wish I could hear you guys.

Oh, well, that's very sweet.

No, now.

The baby's father is a musician, and I would love to know that he's growing up in a musical household.

Okay. Great.

Okay. Now we are actually doing a song and dance.

Okay, well, look at it this way-- we're not only adopting a baby, we're saving it from a life spent searching for east Dakota.

Oh, God.

This is actually nice.

This is actually very nice to lean on.


It broke again.

Mm. Yes, I saw.

We'll just need to double up on the cotton.

Here, let me save you a step.


Knock, knock!

Dad! Hey! What are you doing here?

Manny needs that soldering iron I lent to Phil.

One of the screws on his project keeps coming loose.

Other than that, it's flawless.

Huh. His latest test run, he dropped it off the roof, he walked downstairs, it hadn't landed yet.

I had nothing. I had to get in Claire's head.

Sometimes the best thing to do in race to the top... is grease the pole behind you.

Wow. So Manny's still working?

Luke finished a couple hours ago.

Is that why all these eggs are on the floor?

Oh, well, you know, after so many landed safely, we thought we should test 'em, make sure we weren't working with a super strong batch.

Sounds like you knocked it out of the park.

We did.

Um, so dad, if I find out what Phil did with that soldering iron, I'll run it over.

Great. 'Cause, uh, we're gonna test it later today at the school.

Fun. Maybe we'll meet you.

We can come anytime, right?

'Cause we don't have a-- a spring problem.

Around five ?


Okay. Bear with us. We're a little rusty.

Yes, and please put all cell phones on vibrate.

♪ Don't go breaking my heart ♪

♪ I couldn't if I tried ♪

♪ Honey, if I get restless ♪

♪ Baby, you're not that kind? ♪

♪ Ooh, hoo ♪

♪ Nobody knows it ♪

♪ Nobody knows ♪

♪ When I was down ♪

♪ I was your clown ♪ I really am a clown.

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ I gave you my heart ♪

♪ So don't go breaking my heart ♪

♪ I won't go breaking your heart ♪

♪ Don't go breaking my ♪

♪ Don't go breaking my heart ♪ Yeah, yeah.

Thank you. It was wonderful.

Oh. I'm confused, though.

I thought Cameron was the singer.

Yeah. Oh...

Yes, yes, I am.

Really? Because Mitchell has such a lovely voice.

Well, I think he was following my lead.

You know, a good leader can make all the difference.

Actually, you were a little pitchy.

But it was terrific, really.

Thank you.

Yes. Thank you for your opinion.

Faster! Faster! We're going to be late to your father.

Why did you have to do your toes, too?

Well, there's this really cute boy at school who's kinda into my feet.

Be careful. That can get really creepy fast.

Ay. Where is the car? I parked it here!

It's a tow zone.

Somebody just put that there, because that wasn't here when I parked!

It looks pretty old to me.

Haley, don't lie. That was not here!

Ladies and gentlemen...

Get ready for one of the giants of residential real estate...

A salesman's salesman...

Where are you guys? I've been calling you!

A realtor's realtor...

You were supposed to do my intro. Now I have to.

2-time nonconsecutive winner of the realtor of the year award...

Just get back here by the end.

Future investors, stop making excuses!

And start... making your dreams come true!

Ladies and gentlemen, Phil Dunphy!


How are you?

Thanks, Mike. I appreciate it.



You see? They don't stop because I'm latina.

Or because that was just a yellow car.

My dad is gonna freak out.

You have to take the blame for this.

Why me?

Oh, because he'll never get mad at you.

He totally puts you on a pedestal.

That's not true.

Yeah, it is.

Let me just call the cab company.


It's not rocket science, people, it's just a little red card.

Okay. I guess nobody needs a mouse pad.

How's my favorite kid doing?


Yeah, I know, we're not supposed to have favorites.

But you know what? We do.

And the good news is, it's you.

I'm not giving you my design.

Who said anything about giving?

We can work out an arrangement.

It's cheating.

What do you want? Money?

I got a little something set aside.

Okay. I shouldn't even be giving you this hint, but... first get a mirror.

A mirror?

Then you're gonna look in it, and you're gonna see a crazy woman.

She needs your help.

You know, I made the egg that made you, that made that project, so in a lot of ways, that design is already mine!

Oh, you're fine.

Are you sure that there are no more questions?

No more questions? Yes!

If we could just get that over to the mustachioed gentleman.

Yes, I was--

Oh, hey, I think we're all tired of that sound.

Let me just come to you.

I bet I know what your question is.

You're probably wondering if there's sixth key.

No, I was wondering about--

I was wondering about accelerated escrow.

If it works for both parties, it's a great way to expedite the deal.

But back to your first question about this mysterious sixth key.

I didn't say anything-- The sixth key is the key to the new home that you purchased below market using the simple principles that you learned here today...

But not so simple that you don't still need the professional services of Woosnum, Keneally... and Dunphy!

Thank you for coming.

Son of a--

So, is there anything you want to know about us?

I don't think so.

In fact I don't think I need to interview any more people.

You guys are perfect.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Well, I'm not supposed to say anything to you directly, but I think you guys should be expecting good news.

Aah! Oh, gosh!

Oh, I know, I know, you're not saying anything!

But what you're not saying is wonderful!

Um, all right. I'm gonna get some sparkling cider?

Yes, yes. Okay, okay.

It wouldn't be a celebration without cider or a celebratory song.

But this time, I want you to sit right here.

So have a seat here.

Let's just get this mop out of the way there.

♪ If you leave me now ♪

♪ You'll take away the biggest part of me ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, no, baby, please don't go ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, no, I just want you to stay ♪

Yes, she was upset, but on a positive note, what I take from this experience is, I can sing.

Uh, what we didn't take away from the experience is a baby, because she decided to keep it.

Ay. No. Did we missed everything?

Yeah. They cleared out of here pretty fast.


More than a bummer, Haley.

This was really important to me, and you blew it.

Ay, no, Phil, it was my fault.

It was not her fault.

Okay. What's done is done.

Can you take the brochures out to the car?

Wow. It's still full.

Yeah, it is.

So it was not very good?

Um... no.

I kind of need to sweep here.

Okay. But-- but I'm so sorry, Phil.

It's okay.

No, it's not okay.

We came late and we ruined your whole presentation.

These things happen.

Yeah, it happens and people get angry.

Gloria, it's fine.

No, it's not fine!

I'm trying to have a real conversation, and all you do is put me on a pedestal!

Wait a minute. You're mad at me?

Yes, because that's not how family's supposed to treat each other!

You know how family's supposed to treat each other?

They're supposed to actually think about each other!

I asked you to do one thing... and you were too selfish and irresponsible to come through for me on a day that, believe it or not, was really important to me!

Oh, my God. You're crying. I'm so sorry.

No! That's what I want!

You yell at me because you love me!

Well, you made me mad.

And you should be.

Well, I'm not anymore.

Don't treat me like that, Phil. Because now I'm furious!

Ay, mi familia! Si.

Oh, how do you do that?

It makes me so...


That's a pretty nice piece of handiwork for a 13-year-old. Yeah, Luke did pretty good, too, for a kid who still needs help getting out of his backpack.

Still your grandson. Felt bad when I said it.

Okay, let's do this.

Watch out, kids! They're coming down!

One, two, three.

How'd we do?

Both eggs are okay.

Great. So we both win.


We're going up another level.

Absolutely. Come on. Third floor.

Meet us there, Alex. Let's go.


You don't have to do this.

The assignment was for a 1-story drop.

We both get A's.

We're doing this.

I don't like this.

The two of them talking up there-- they're gonna figure out what we did.

We did what we had to.

We're gonna get caught.

Look at them down there.

They're not even paying attention.

This is the best part.

Actually, Manny looks kind of upset.

Why would he be? He's about to kick Luke's butt.

Oh, knock it off.

Luke and Manny had as much to do with this project as they did with the Manhattan project.

You think that's what's going on?

They're upset because we took over for them?


They were supposed to-- to learn from this, and-- and we ruined it.

We should go talk to them. Yeah.

Boys, we need to talk.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Just stay frosty.

So, uh, we realized a couple things up there, and I think apologies are in order.

OK, we admit it.

We tricked you into doing our projects for us.


This is the first I'm hearing of this.

We knew you'd do all the work if you thought you were competing with each other.

So I told you I thought Claire was helping Luke, and then you called Claire...

Which got me involved, and...

All right. Here's what's gonna happen-- you're gonna get in the car, we're gonna drive home, and you're each gonna do your own projects. - Mm-hmm.


Hmm. Hmm.

You know, this is your fault.


The way we compete with each other it's-- is sick.

It's so sick, two 13-year-olds know how to take advantage of us.

And you know what? You made me this way.

How do you figure that?

Dad! You pushed me into sports.

You never let me win. You know, that stuff-- it does something to a girl.

For your information, you came out of the womb like that.

I'm not entirely sure there wasn't a twin in there you bumped off.

If you saw that in me, why didn't you discourage it?

Why would I discourage something that I love?


You kidding?

You're a fighter.

The thing I love about you is you never give up.


Even though I clearly designed a superior egg container.

Out of your mind, old man.

Only one way to find out.

Give up.

You're all just playing for second.

There's something wrong with that one.

I'm not wrong.

Mum can be crazy, right?


Thank you.

At the same time, I feel guilty when I get mad at her.

I don't think that's weird.

Just really proud of my project. I don't wanna share it.

Everybody has their own thing.

Thanks, Haley.

I know I may sound dorky, but this late-night conversations really mean a lot to me.

They're the only time that I feel like I...

OK, Corey, just one picture.

Hold on.

Ugh, my feet look fat from this angle.

Hey, Alex, wake up.

I need you to take a picture of my feet.