Modern Family S3E17 Script

Leap Day (2012)

Come on, boys! It's leap day, not sleep day!

I love leap day!

It's kind of a big deal in the Dunphy house.

This year, we even got Manny involved.

You're given this gift of 24 extra hours.

You can't waste it at work or school.

You have to do something extraordinary, something shocking. Mm.

This year, the entire family is taking a trapeze class.

How extraordinary is that?

It was my idea.

How shocking is that?

I can be spontaneous every four years.

I can't wait.

Leap day is stupid.

You're not understanding the logic behind it.

A year is actually 365.25 days.

Every four years, we gain one day.

If we didn't adjust the calendar in, say, 40 years, February would almost be January.

That's not my problem, and it's definitely not your problem.

Look at this.

The housekeeper turned another one of my whites pink.

I can't wear this to a sports bar.

Mm, they're to going to be looking at you, Jay.

Somebody's feeling pretty good about herself.

They're going to be watching the match.

You meant you a little bit.

Okay, put it in there.

All right, very quietly, we're gonna go to daddy's bedroom, open the door, and-- Aah!

Happy Birthday to me.

I'm 10! 40!

I was born February 29th, and there have been ten of those...

In my lifetime, therefore I'm 10!

It's fun.

It's so much fun.

Anyway, I-I've spent the last four years trying to figure to what kind of party to throw this one.

Don't--don't even.

No. No! That's what he said last time.

Okay, birthday boy, what's it gonna be-- rom com or horror?

Or we can do both and watch "maid in Manhattan."

Whatcha doing?

Canceling our baby.

Okay, love to dad. Bye! Mwah!

Daddy, what are you doing?

Yeah, daddy, what are you doing?

Snooping for hints about your birthday? Wow.

No, I-- come on.

No, I'm just excited, and I wanna be helpful.

I know party planning isn't your thing.


Y-you need to trust me, cam.

I know, and I do.

It's not like you're gonna do anything tired, like appletinis or ice sculptures.

Or synthetic napkins or anything mylar.

Cam, that's enough!

I've been paying for your last party for four years.

And I find it a little insulting that you don't think I can pull this off.

You know what?

I trust you. I'm letting go.

Okay. Okay?

You know orange is over, right?

It's a simple party. I can do it.



Yeah, just a simple party.

I'm simply taking Cam's favorite movie, "The Wizard of Oz," and turning our house into an Oz-themed extravaganza-- yellow brick carpet, waitstaff in full costume, and custom-made Ruby slippers for Cam.


So is this safe?

It's a trapeze.

Relax. More people are killed by knife-wielding strangers than from trapezing.

I'm thinking about going home now.

Honey, are you okay?

I'm fine.

I'm watching...

It's so sad.

Oh, no. Not today.

What's wrong?

Nothing. No, your mom's just, uh...

Feeling emotional.

She was like this last month and the month before and the month before.

What?! I could kill someone!

No, I can't hear you!

This stupid phone gets no reception in this stupid house! Aah!

Dear God, no.

I'd heard rumors.

Yeah, we all had, that females living or working in close quarters could eventually get on the same... cycle.

But I always assumed that was a story designed to keep women out of submarine corps.

This isn't milk. What's wrong with me today?

My brain's not working right.


I can't focus...

Three legs?

It's not fair.

I know.

Oh, no! It's sad.

Oh, my God. They're gonna ruin everything.

No. We--we just need to be extra sensitive.

Phil, honey, when do we need to leave?

Whenever's good for you, sweetie. Maybe 20 minutes?

20 minutes?! Then which one is it, Phil?

Is it whenever it's good for me or is it 20 minutes?!

Whenever you're ready!

It happened-- Satan's trifecta.

They're gonna ruin trapezing.

I bet they don't even catch me.

Why are you so afraid of them? They're reasonable.

Why don't we just suggest they stay home, considering they're all on their menst-- - Shh!

The first rule of dealing with the cycle-- you never mention the cycle.

You tiptoe around it.

The woman's actually taken great pains to hide the monster she's become.

But if you acknowledge it, that brings the monster forth.

My God.

And there's three of them.

It's okay.

I have a plan.

It's kind of traditional for people to lean in when somebody says, "I have a plan."


Ja! Ja! Ja! Ja!

Ooh! No!

Si! Si! Si! Si!



You should call your country "the never-lands" because you're never-- - Ja, because we are never going to win.

You said that a billion times.

Just go home.

Why don't you Dutch people go home?

Someone should shut your Colombian mouth!

Okay, I wanna see you try! Uh, is there a problem over here?

Yes. There is a problem, and you're married to her.

Really? Well, let me make a suggestion.

Why don't you sit down, I send you over a beer, my wife and I watch from over there?

That way, everybody enjoys the game-- except me, 'cause I prefer a game where something happens.

Gloria, let's go.

Let's go.

I thought you were going to punch that guy back there.

Ah, I got 60 pounds on the kid.

Yeah. It's just that I've heard so many stories about you fighting.

And-- it's not worth the trouble.

Yeah, and he has all those friends and...

Well, his friends had nothing to do with it.

I mean, sometimes it's better to take the high road.

Yeah, it's better that you walked away.

Gloria, I get-- I get the impression you're disappointed I didn't punch that guy. - Of course not.

Who needs all that manly, protect-your-woman stuff?

No, see, like, right there. You're saying one thing, but it feels like you mean the opposite.

No. That's a "yes."

Look, Jay, I just came to watch the game.

I don't want to fight. Neither do I.

I know.

So in keeping with the film, this area will be in black and white, and then an explosion of technicolor.

Best part--as the guests are coming in...

Auntie em! Auntie em!

A simulated tornado.

Yeah. Oh, he's gonna love that.

So the appletinis are canceled... Yes.

The little Toto dog is ordered, and...

Please tell me that you are not mixing punch in costume!

Oh, no! W-what is Cam doing home?

Hey. Hey.

We're the monkeys.

Yes, hi. Hi. Come on inside. Quickly, quickly.

Hi. Okay, one second.

Hey! Whatcha doing home?

Are you checking on me and the party again?

No, no. I left my cell phone in your car and I gotta be in touch with mama today.

She's talking to the insurance agency for the first time to see if they're gonna rebuild grandpa's farm.

Rebuild the...

Because of the tornado.

I totally missed the connection.

A month after the most devastating twister to ever hit Cam's hometown, I throw a party based on gay cinema's most famous tornado.

Yeah, you know, it's been a month, and she hasn't heard anything, and she's just beside herself.

And then you know what else?

Lily succumbed to her injuries.

Your aunt Lily died? No, the family pig.

Aunt Lily was a...

We named our daughter after a pig?

Could you just witness my pain instead of criticizing?

I just want to be in touch with my family today, get all this tornado stuff behind me so I can enjoy...

The fabulous party you're planning for me!

Yeah! You gotta get outta here!

Okay. Hey, listen. Hey, Cam? Yeah?

You just call your family, tell them I said "hi."

And don't worry about being back at 6:00 on the dot.

There's a little breathing room.

Oh, what, are you kidding me?

Mnh-mnh. The sooner I can start to party, the sooner I can start to forget.

But then again, hey, if you keep running from every reminder of the tornado, doesn't the tornado win?

Mitchell, my grandpa runs to his pickup truck every morning because he thinks the pitchfork is gonna come back down.

The tornado always wins.

Okay, well, it's gonna be so much fun tonight!

I know! The big 1-0!


Hey, Mitchell!

I'm over here! But you didn't! I could've hit you!

I'm doing my "I love ya" dance.

Okay, I'm doing my "I love you" car dance.

Look at you!

I do the best moves! Stop that! Okay! Go!

I got-- this is dangerous.

Okay, okay. Go.

Get out of here, you. Out!

It's my birthday!

All right, guys, come here. We need to talk.

There they are. Stop rushing us!

Buddy, what's wrong?

Yes, you've been a little off all morning.

I've been feeling a lot of stress lately.

My head's all foggy, and I'm kind of emotional.

Oh. Well, I sure hope you feel better soon

'cause you really need your wits about you when you're trapezing.

This is weird because the three of us haven't exactly been feeling our best today either.

Really? Mm.

I can't find my other sock!

Try looking under the one you have one.

I am not you. I don't do that. See?

Oh, God, I am you.

Would you mind if we sat out trapezing?

Really? Yeah.

Are you sure? Okay.

Why does he do that?

Every month.

Yeah, I get a little moody, but unrelenting physical discomfort will do that to a person.

Doesn't he know that tiptoeing around someone like they're crazy makes them crazy?

All right, you and Manny go ahead.

Luke can just stay here with us. Wait. What?

Luke's actually looking better.

I am better. Well, let's not take any chances.

He can stay here. You go ahead. Dad?

Um, I... Daddy?

See you later, buddy.

What are we going to do?

We leave no man behind.

I think I'm just gonna go home.

We have time.

Just take down the decorations and have a normal party.

Yeah, and throw a boring party in our house that looks like I just threw it together this afternoon?

Think! Okay, we have a few options.

I can get you the back room at Amelia's.

Spilled juice on the owner's white rug and almost killed her toddler. Next.

Bowling alley?

Not classy enough. What have you got?

Uh... You're no help. You.

Well, last weekend, I did a party on a boat.

You said you were visiting your parents.

Shh! You're suffocating me.

What's this boat? Tell me about the boat.

Okay, we did an elegant dinner party on a luxury yacht for about 25 people.

It takes you around the harbor, dancing under the moonlight.

Okay, okay. Uh, maybe we can-- we can make a theme out of this.

You know, Cam's life is like a long voyage.

Sometimes choppy but--but always forward, ever forward.

We have two hours. Book it.

Hey, you survived trapeze class, huh?

Didn't happen, and common decency prevents me from telling you why.

How was the soccer match?

Thrilling. 1-1 tie.

One of the goals was an accident.

I'm sure my mom was happy you went.

I don't know what to make of her today.

She got into it with this guy, and I swear she was pushing me into a fight with him.

Now is that something she'd want?

I don't know.

I always thought of women as the more evolved sex.

But after today... I've seen things, Jay.

'Cause, you know, I had my share of fights in my time.

You know that.

Mmm! Mm. Mm. It's too warm for me.

Yeah, I remember this time I was crossing the street with Dede, and some jackass almost clipped her.

I had the guy on the ground, my foot on his neck, before the car stopped moving.

Yeah, we've heard all those stories.

Maybe my mom wouldn't mind a glimpse of that Jay.

That's her.

She wants me to help pick out Cam's gift.

I'm still that guy, you know. 100%.

What the hell? How do you cut your finger on a cracker?

Anyway, if I thought there was a fight worth fighting, I'd fight it.

Ow! Now I got salt in this. That stings!

Next time, don't scream at your boss so that he doesn't make you work during the weekends.

And you can come to see your son!

Si. Adios.

Hey, mom. Who were you yelling at?

Your father, baby.

He cannot make it this weekend.

Okay, I admit it.

I wanted Jay to kick that little Dutch man's ass at the bar.

But two seconds on the phone with Javier, and I remember what that stupid hothead behavior gets you-


It's better to be calm like Jay.

Like Jay and me.

Like Jay.

I'm back!

Wouldn't you know, I forgot my ding-dang sunglasses.

Luke, could you give me a hand?

What were the chances that Phil had come back to apologize for all the game playing and have an open conversation with me about what I was feeling?

Okay, I got a bottle of fake blood out of the Halloween supplies.

Put a dab on your finger, say you cut it.

I say I need to run you by the doctor. Easy trapezy.

Got it?

See ya on the other side, brother.

Just once, I would like Phil to have a little empathy, give me some sense that he understands what women go through.

You feeling any better? Mnh-mnh.

Hate to see the whole team on the D.L.

Ow! My finger!

I don't like the sound of that.

I said a little bit!

The cap fell off. I decided to just go with it.

Okay, we gotta get you out the back.

God, what happened?! Oh, it's just a little cut.

But to be safe, I'll run him by the doctor.

No, are you crazy?! Call 9-1-1!

No, no, they're so busy.

Where's the wound?! We need to put pressure on it, right?

I'm gonna be sick! My--my finger.

Oh, he needs a tourniquet! Where do I put it?!

On my finger. - Stop! There is nothing wrong with h..

Luke, what's going on? I cut my finger?

Dad? How crazy is that?

They were in my pocket the whole time. I'll see you.


What is going on, Luke?

Dad staged the whole thing so we could go on the trapeze without you three.




Because of this! You're all monster-ating!

Luke, no! - Are you kidding me?! Oh, my God! Oh, my lord.

Sorry! I know you told me not to say it, but I...


Is this what you've been teaching our son?

That--that women are some kind of unclean lepers that should be hidden away under sheets for a week?

Do you have any idea how offensive that is?

I do, honey.

And from the bottom of my heart, I am so...


Ugh! Oh, no!

Oh, my.


3, 2, 1!


Oh, my gosh! Oh, it's amazing!

Yeah, it's a boat party. Oh! Because?

Your life is like a voyage.

Oh! Well, everyone's is, but I love it because none of our other friends have ever done it.

Aw. That's so sweet.

Oh, it must be easy with no dirty, broken woman in the relationship.

What are you laughing at?

Okay, everybody follow the birthday flag!

What'd you call me? Oh. Uh, oh, yes.

Oh, my gosh. It's so elegant. I'll bet Pepper is dying.

Oh, you know, actually, Pepper couldn't come because he hates boats. You know, after the Navy.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I guess longinus got over his fear of--of water?

Mnh. No, no.

Why don't we just focus on the 30 people who are here, having a great time!

Ew! It smells like somebody's dead.

Ugh! What is that smell?

That faint odor is-- is a tiny, tiny blue whale who apparently has indeed died, uh, nearby.


Si, but it's getting all over my coat.

I don't smell anything.

Maybe that's because you smell like a bouquet of flowers.

Oh, yeah. Watch out for that.

Ugh! It smells like puke married poop and had the ceremony in my nose.

You paint with words.

Okay, don't worry, everybody.

Soon we'll be way, way out at sea, bouncing on the waves with all of his sweet-smelling brothers and sisters. Okay?

Mitchell Pritchett? Oh, yes. Hi.

Hi. I'm your captain tonight. We've got a problem.

I can't fit this many people on my boat.

No, no. I was--I was told you could take 30.

I have exactly 30 guests.

Plus six in help. You gotta drop a few people.

Come on. There--there must be something that we can do here.

Well, we have bigger boats, but this is the best I could do on two hours' notice.

Please, um... What is the problem?

Apparently, Mitchell started planning my birthday party two hours ago.

Mnh-mnh. No. No, I-I did not.

Uh, apparently, we have too many people for his boat.

So... that's crazy.

I've seen more people clinging to a floating door.

I'm sorry, lady. It's a safety issue.

Oh, no. You're going to have a safety issue if you don't take me away from this whale.

Okay, little too much finger, little too much attitude.

What's all this?

Uh, two hours of Mitchell's hard work going down the drain.

Look, I can't fit more than 30 people on the boat, as I was just explaining to the lady here.

Well, first of all, that "lady" is my son.

He wasn't talking about me.

I was talking about her.

Oh. Her. Oh, it's "her" now.

Well, "her" happens to be my wife.

You got a problem with her, you got a problem with me.

No, no, Jay... You know...

Calm down. I didn't have a problem before, but now I'm starting to.

No, your problem's about to get a lot bigger.

No, Jay, I know you think this is what I want, but it's not.

I've got this, Gloria. No, Jay.

I was just being stupid today. I like that you're calm, that you think first, and you act second.

I need that in my life.

Yeah, so walk away, grandpa.

You know what?

Nobody call him "grandpa"!

I do.

Okay, that's it!

No boat! Everybody off my dock, or I'm calling the cops!

Wait, w-wait. So no party now?

No! No, of course! Just...

Just... just give me a minute okay?

Oh, we, after what you did with two hours, I can't wait to see what you do with a minute. - Cam!

Poor Cam. He seems so upset.

Oh, is that hard for you, Phil, that he's have a feeling around you?

I'm so sorry. Too many emotions?

Okay, okay, I give up!

Yeah, I made a mistake today. Mm.

But only because the three of you ganged up on me like when the wolfman, Dracula, and frankenstein show up in the same movie, except this wasn't awesome!

I have been on an emotional roller coaster all day today.

I'm afraid. I'm mad. I'm mad because I'm afraid, and now I can't even think straight because I'm in so much pain from what just happened over there!

And the whole thing makes me so sad, and I'm not even sure why, and I'm nauseous from that smell but I'm so hungry.


Cam, the--the boat wasn't even part of the plan.

No, it's fine.

It's my fault for letting my expectations get too high.

I'll get over this one, too. No, no.

I had this whole "Wizard of Oz" party planned, only today I realized that it might be a-a little too tornado-y.

Today? Yes!

I'm sorry I-I didn't make the connection, okay?

Probably 'cause I've been planning for months so that you could have the perfect party and be happy, which now I don't even think is possible.

Oh, I'm sorry that I would like to have a nice 10th birthday party.

Well, you can't have it, Cam!

You wanna know why?! Because you're 40!

You're a 40-year-old man!

I am 40.

I'm 40. Yes.

Oh, Cam, stop it.

I'm 40 and I'm--I'm on this stupid--wait, what is that?!

Oh, it's this...


Suddenly, it all made sense.

Cam's craziness all day wasn't about a party.

It was about turning 40.

And once he realized that, everything got much worse.

I've done nothing with my life! Oh, w--stop it.

Come on. How--how can you say that?

You're--you're a wonderful father. You...

You--you graduated from clown college.

You've been to France.

I don't want to be 40. It's not fair!

I know. Nothing's fair.

2 Miles from here is an amusement park full of happy families swinging on a trapeze.

That's all I wanted for my special bonus day.


I'd been trying so hard to figure out what Cam wanted for his birthday.

He'd been telling me all along.

He wanted to be 10.

Seriously? There's nothing you can do?

I'm sorry. You just missed the cutoff.

How about we see you next time?

How about you make an exception and strap him in there?

Yeah, we're, like, ten minutes past your deadline, anyway.

And you don't want to make us angry today.

Ladies, uh, I really can't make any exceptions. - "Ladies"?

Seriously, Pete? No, I don't think "ladies"...

And that was how they apologized to me.

Whoo! Come on, Phil!

Oh, oh, oh, oh! Ohh! Oh, God, Phil!

Aah! You did it!

At least, I-I think it was. I could never ask them.

This is so satisfying!

Best I've felt all day!

Can I rent one of these on a monthly basis?

Ohh, ha ha! Yes!

Oh, yay!

Best 40th birthday party ever.

No, no. 10th.

Really? Yeah.

In fact, you're still that sexy little 8 year old I fell in love with.

Oh, um... no, just go.