Modern Family S3E21 Script

Planes, Trains and Cars (2012)

How are you doing? Phil Dunphy.

What do I have to get you to ask, "What do I have to do to get you into this car today?"

Well, why don't we start with a test drive?

I'll get the keys.

Sounds good.

Right where I want him.

Come here. Come look at this.

This thing warns you if you deviate from your lane.

In my car, that's my wife.

"Andre, if you try to kill me, I swear I will kill you!"

Well, I guess this is what I'll be driving for the next 39 months.

This is my D.N.A. talking, but you do not seem sufficiently excited about the prospect of driving a new Cadillac.

No, it's great. I've just leased the same thing forever.

Part of me wants to shake things up.

I don't know.

Get something like...

Like that.

Oh, wow.

Colonel Klink, that is nice.

We took Lily on her first train ride.

Just a quick trip to Chinatown.

I was worried she would think we were taking her back to Vietnam, but she seemed okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Possibly because she was an infant when she left Vietnam.

Also, Vietnam is not China.

Well, I had a lollipop with me just in case.

I love that we're doing this.

It's important for her to explore the city she lives in.

So much diversity.

Keep your wallet in your front pocket.

My shoe's untied.

Oh, sweetie, it is. Here, have a seat.

Right here. There you go. Hey, hold Bunny.

No! No, no, no, no, no, no! Bunny!

How did you miss that, Mitchell? Mr. Conductor! I-I...

And it's me! Why would you toss it?

Because my hands were full?

I want Bunny!

I know. W--okay, I have an idea.

Let's catch the next train and ride it till it catches up.

They don't catch up. That's called a collision.

Okay, well, do you have a better idea?

You're the one that lost it. No, you tossed it.

He who tossed it lost it.

Don't try to clever your way out of this.

Daddy lost Bunny.

She means you.

Oh, I wanted a car like this since I was a kid.

Me, too.

I used to imagine the wind blowing through my perm, blasting some Hall & Oates, maybe horsing around with my Mr. Microphone...

Yeah, we wouldn't have been friends back then.

You should buy it.

No, it's not practical.

Practical? You never see a person on their deathbed saying, "I wish I'd have been more practical."

I see a lot of people on their deathbed, Phil.

A lot.

I thought you operated on knees and elbows.

Phil, this is a nice car.

And it's half the price of a new car.

If you don't buy it, I will.

What would Claire say?

You know what? Maybe we should find you something with a little more lumbar support.

Yeah. You know, with you not having a spine and all.

I have a spine. Do you have a spine?

I have a spine. So wanna take it for a spin?

You know what? I'd rather take her for a spin.

Let's get her top down and see what she can do.

I'm--no, I meant the convertible.

Well, I just talked to the concierge, and room service will save me a bread pudding.

Load off my mind.

You mock me, but "Travel and Leisure" says it's not to be missed.

This weekend, we're going up to Pebble Beach.

I'm gonna meet a bunch of guys I played high school football with.

Man, those were the good old days.

Yeah, unless you were a woman, black, Hispanic, or gay.

True, but if you were a straight white guy who played football, you really couldn't have a bad day.

Gloria? Hmm?

Which watch should I pack?

This one's showier. This one's more expensive.

Why do you care so much about a watch?

How do I say this without sounding like an ass?

I'm kind of a legend to these guys.

Not like that.

Who's your daddy?

Whoa! Whose car is this?

Mine! I talked him into it.

Seriously? Mom's gonna let you have this?

Luke, Luke, Luke...

Where is she?

Dad, I don't like this.

Why not?

My friend Molly's dad bought a sports car, and now he lives in a studio apartment and dates a girl who works at forever 21, which she won't be for two years.

Hear that?

Honey, I'm not leaving your mom.

Might not be your call.

Oh, my God, it's so pretty!

I love it! And I love you, and I promise I'll take super good care of it!

Can I tell her?

Please. I ask for so little.

Alex, be nice to your sister. It's dad's car, not yours.

What? But you're too old for this!

It's just like last year when you wouldn't take off those skinny jeans.

Wouldn't or couldn't?

Hey. I looked hot.

And you look hot in this car.

Let me tell you something about your dad.

Your dad is a man who knows what he wants, and he gets it. Oh.

At least that's what I heard. You know, I was there more as a friend and an observer than anything.

Andre. Hey, Claire.

Honey. Is this the new car?

I know it looks impractical, but Andre's seen a lot of people die.

I'm not upset.

I'm not upset. It's a beautiful car.

Just surprised you didn't get the sedan, that's all.

Beautiful. Good seeing, you, Cl--

Mm. Beautiful.

What just happened?

She did not blink once.

Do you wanna come in for a minute?

No, I gotta... you know, I gotta get to the wife.

Well, do you...

Uh, do you need a ride or anything? No. No, no, I'm gonna, uh, I'm-a jog.

Why--why are you running? I'm just gonna jog!

Lily was up all night because she didn't have Bnny, which means that we were up all night because she didn't have Bunny.

God, she must have cried for...

How long was it, Cam?

Cam. Cam. Hmm?

Oh, sorry.

Uh, last night was rough because Lily...

Covered it. Didn't have Bunny.

Jay, tell me, why are we on the runway?

Surprise! We're taking a private plane.

Wow! I've never been on a private plane!

And you never will.

I am not getting on that little thing!

What if the rubber band snaps and we fall out of the sky?

It's perfectly safe. It's a legitimate airline!

Hey, folks.

Whoa. Nobody said three.

All right. Before we take off, I'm gonna need to get everyone's weight here.

No problem. I'm about 190. Okay.

Oh, yeah. In that case, I'm 275.

Gloria, I would never put you and Manny in danger.

Now come on! Trust me on this!


It's American music the whole way, and I don't wanna hear a word.

How you doing there, sport? Great. Yeah.

Awesome. You know what's awesome?

Is this car has the engine in the trunk, so that means I get to... put these signs in the seat, which is cool.

Very cool.

Huh. What?

Oh, nothing. My, uh, client just wants me to pick her up on the way to the open house, which is great. I'll, uh, drop the sign off and just swing across town to...

Oh. She's bringing her mom and a designer.

Well, maybe they'll fit in the trunk.

Here it comes!

What? I was making a joke.

What's your game, woman?

I have no game. You're an adult. You can make your own choices.

Since when?

Do you wanna borrow the minivan?

Yes, please.

Okay, fine. Then you're gonna have to pick up the kids from school.

Okay, I can't take it.

If you got something to say, just say it.

I have nothing to say.

That just says it all. Well...

All--all right. Thank you, Serena.

See you tonight.

Good news--they rescheduled my massage for the morning.

Bad news--it's a dude.

Don't blame me. It's your mom's fault.

Do you know how many people have died in these planes?

John Denver, Patsy Cline, Ritchie Valens.

I've heard you sing. I think you're safe.

All right, look, the welcome dinner starts in four hours.

It's a 5-hour drive. No bathroom breaks.

Yeah, I think you're gonna want to hold on to that cup.

Damn it!

What was that? Giant pothole.

The dash is lighting up like a Christmas tree.

Tire's blown!

This never would have happened if we were in the air!

If this had happened in the air, we wouldn't be in the air.

We would be in rock 'n' roll heaven!

Okay, what do you think?

I'm gonna put these in the subway.

Okay, it looks like, uh, Lily's missing and we're offering $25 to get her back.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. No one in their right mind--

Okay. That's all I see now.

How about this one? Okay. Um...

"Missing--stuffed bunny. Brown and white fur.

Sympathetic eyes." What are sympathetic eyes?

Not those.

I just--I don't really love the idea of our phone number being up in the subway.

Okay, let's play a different game.

How about I be the problem, and you be the solution?

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so critical.

I know you're just trying to-- Got it!

Just came up with a better idea.

Took me less than five seconds.


I can't hear you. What?


I don't know...

Gah! What did I do?

Oh. Oh, my.

Yes. Hi. Hey, nice car.

Thank you.

You gonna drive up the coast, or...

Oh, no. I'm gonna do some errands, actually.

Yeah, 'cause other people might go and buy a crazy car with an engine in the-- in the trunk, but not me.

No. I'm responsible. Mm-hmm.

We have three kids. You can't pick up three kids in this car.

You can't.

You--it... it...

I'll get you... catch ya.

I'm going!

Maybe I was a teeny bit mad.

So I blew off my errands and headed up the coast.

It was my turn to be irresponsible.

And luckily, I had sunscreen in my purse.

Well, your strut's shot, and we can't get parts for at least a day.


I don't suppose there's any place you can rent cars anywhere around here?

Know what, sir? We're not some one-horse town.

Of course you can rent a car.

It just happens to be out for the day.


We're gonna miss the whole weekend. I am sorry, Jay.

I know how much you mean to those guys, and I know how much they want to see you.

I'm so sorry. Uh, excuse me.

You are... so pretty.

And if you really need to get somewhere, maybe I can help you out.

Ay, yes, please! Thank you! Anything!

Check it out. Restored it myself.


I did not get in the little plane at the little airport!

I'm not gonna get in this... takka-takka-takka-takka flown by that guy that couldn't fix our car!

Gloria, it's either this, or we're in the motel.

I don't like the sound of that.

A lot of amenities disappear when an "H" becomes an "M."

You know, when I met you, you were eating cereal out of a bucket.

Hey, Lily, guess what?


Uh, we just heard from Bunny.

This is a terrible idea.

No, it's fantastic.

Bunny said he's on an amazing adventure having the time of his life, and that you should pick one of his best friends to sleep with while he's gone.

Bunny doesn't talk.

This is going great.

He does now, because-- because he took talking lessons.

So what do you think, huh?

Turtle or giraffe or, uh, little reindeer?

Where's Bunny now?

Uh, St. Louis.


He's visiting his girlfriend.

He doesn't have a girlfriend.

He has a boyfriend!

I want Bunny!

Okay. No, no, Lily.

Lily, uh, what about Miss, uh, Teddy Bear?

Huh? No? Uh, Dr. Tiger? No?

Mr. Fish? I want Bunny. I'm going to St. Louis.

Really? You don't know Nemo?

It's on an endless loop in the den.

I have a job.

And then Bodie kicked it to me, and I dribbled it past Michael and got it to Tyler...

I was bummed not to be in my new cool car, so I wasn't joking around with the kids like I usually do.

And I would've scored if that kid didn't trip me.

I can't believe the ref didn't see it.

I bet Olivia saw it.

She's always watching you when you play.

Yeah, I know. It's like she's in love with soccer.

Ugh. Stop texting me!


Corey. He is so clingy.

But, you know, there's something about driving your kids around.

You're in the front, they're in the back.

They forget you're there, and you learn so much.

You're like Sigourney Weaver in "Gorillas in the Mist."

Except gorillas make less noise chewing.

Once I hit the coast highway, I didn't stop.

I turned off my cell phone.

I ate fish tacos for lunch. It was insane!

I haven't felt that free in years.

All my stress completely disappeared...

And so did my keys.

I'm sorry, but... these signs are ridiculous.

Oh, you're right. I should have used Helvetica.

It much better represents the urgency of our situation.

No, the lengths that we're going to for a stuffed animal.

You know, Cam, maybe it's time Lily learned about loss.

No, she's 3, and I know. Do you know how many times I had to say good-bye to a furry friend on the farm?

And didn't it make you stronger?

Yeah, because I was a growing boy and they were chock-full of protein.

But it was still heartbreaking.

It builds character.

You know, once, when I was a kid, my dad left my Luke Skywalker doll on an airplane, and I was so angry-- Wait, which--which Luke?

Shorty robe or dress blacks?

Shorty robe. Oh, my.

And you know what he did to get it back?

Not a damn thing. Nope.

He didn't lift one pudgy finger to make a single phone call, and I got over it.

Yeah, well, I want you and Lily to have the same healthy relationship you and your father have. For sure.

All right, give me these flyers.

I'm gonna take everything to this side of the homeless guy.

Mitchell! Sorry, what are we supposed to say now?

Home-challenged? Or...

No, look!

Oh, my God! It's Bunny!

Oh, Lily's gonna be so happy.

Oh, that's so great. Go ahead and get it.

What, me? Yeah.

Why should I go and get it?

Well, I-I'm not gonna do it.

Why? I spotted it.

You're closer.

It's your journey. Luke Skywalker?

Pattern-breaking? Your father? Get in there.


Sir--hi, sir.

Hello, you--you...


Yeah. Hello.

He-hello? Sir...

I-I can't... oh, for God sakes!

Let her hate us. You turned out great.

I did, didn't I? You're a big lawyer.

This is not the massage I had in mind.

All right.


In about an hour, a train goes through town that will get us close to pebble beach.

Now it's not technically a-a passenger train, so it won't be stopping. What?

So we gotta get running real good.

No high-heeled shoes. And it wouldn't be wrong if we took that blanket with us, either, huh?

So what do you say? Anybody up for a hobo adventure?

If we're voting, I'm a "no."

Manny, we're gonna be right back.

We're gonna get some ice from the machine in the parking lot.


Jay, this is getting crazy. Is it worth it?

I wanna see the old gang.

Do you wanna see them or you want to show off to them?

The private plane, the fancy watch.

You still want to feel that you're the big kahuna on the campus.

That's not it. That's not even a thing.

You know what? I'm taking Manny home.

If you want to go in the takka-takka-takka-takka, okay. Go to Pebble Beach by yourself.

No, what? That's not the plan.

If you wanna go there so bad, that's the only way you're gonna get there.

I'm not trying to get me there.

I'm trying to get you there!

What? Look...

I may have exaggerated the size... kahuna I was.

I may not... technically have been a kahuna.

I was shy, and I spent most of my time... on the bench.

But you always made it sound like you--

Oh, I know what I made it sound like.

People didn't expect much from me, and, um...

They certainly didn't expect me to end up with... somebody like you.

So this is all about you parading me around like a trophy?


Why didn't you say so?

I can be a trophy!

Come on. We need to get this up to Pebble Beach.

Manny! We're leaving! Get ready!

Oh, good. If we get out of here in the next ten minutes, we don't have to pay for the second hour.

How you doing there, sport?

I'm sorry. That's okay.



Whatcha doing all the way up here?

Did someone snap?

A little. Yeah.

I was mad at you for buying that stupid sports car.

I knew it!

And I was wrong.

It's a great car. God, I had the best day.

Phil, I did cartwheels.

Without me? Mm-hmm.


Hey, did you know there's a girl with a crush on Luke?

Olivia. Yeah.

Oh, and Haley's totally done with Corey.

That's new.

Alex is teaching herself Chinese so she'll be useful when they finish buying us.

She's so weird.

I really want to be able to drive the kids around.

I need a bigger car for work. I made a mistake.

No, you didn't. You bought it for a reason.

When did we stop coming to the beach?

I think it was when Alex started printing out water quality reports.

She'll be China's problem soon.

You know...

We don't need a sports car to get out here.

Mm. We should just make a pact.

Once a month, we get out to the beach.

And we tell everyone we're running errands.

Yeah. Yeah.

So you didn't get to the dry cleaner?

They say the important thing in life isn't the destination.

It's the journey, the challenges you face along the way...

The unexpected twists and turns...

The disappointments you overcome.

Look what I found on the Internet.

Oh, my God! It's Luke Skywalker in his shorty robe!

I love it, Cam-- No. Mine!

But they're wrong.

It's all about the destination, especially when the destination is your amazing oceanfront hotel.

Thank you again, Serena.

Warmest regards, Manny Delgado.

What's he doing?

He's sending flowers to the concierge.

Oh, jeez. Hey...

Credit card.

She wore you down, didn't she?

This is not about Claire.

I really want to sell you the car.

It's sad. She got you to believe that.

No, I...

Turns out I'm just not a convertible guy.

Well, your loss is my gain.

It's a sweet ride, Phil. Right?

It really is.

Uh-oh. What?

I'm getting, like, a whiff of mildew.

I don't smell anything.

Yep. That's mildew.

Huh? This car's been in the flood.

It's a Katrina car!

I'm offended that you tried to sell me a Katrina car, Phil!

Your wife won't let you have a convertible, will she?

We will never know, 'cause I'm afraid to ask.

See you later, Phil.

Why are you running again?