Modern Family S3E4 Script

Door to Door (2011)

So then what happened? She didn't show up to school the next day and I heard she slept over on his dorm.

No way! Mhmm.

Seriously, are you surprised, did you not know Carly?

Have you seen what she wears at school?

Girls let's cool it on the gossip, ok?

It's not right and Carly's got enough problems.

What do you mean?

Well, her mom can't get through soccer practice Without a thermos of chardonnay...

And don't get me started on the dad. That guy is--

Oh! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Mom! - Oh! This is such a dangerous intersection!

Did I get lipstick on my face?

No, you're fine. And consider yourself lucky You didn't just get, like, felt up by your mom.

They need to get a stop sign.

What is your obsession with traffic?

It's an obsession with safety.

One of these days, Joe Speeder's gonna come tearing through here, and somebody's gonna-- Aah! Aah!

Aah! Oh! I'm okay.

Oh! Oh, my god! I'm okay. Oh, hey, guys.

Phil? - Yeah. No, I'm good. Gotta keep moving.

Keep the heart rate up.

Oh. Okay.

How's my face?

Still good.

Okay. Good.

Modern Family.

Gloria, how many times do I have to tell you to pull your car all the way in?

The gate was open all night.

We live in a nice neighborhood.

What are you afraid of? That some money's gonna fly in and then your gardener is gonna have to rake it up?

Jay, I'm going to need you to cut me a check.

What now?

Drama club trip. "Les Miserables."

We're selling wrapping paper to raise money for the tickets.

No. No. Wait. Wait. Slow down. What's the story exactly?

Well, Jean Valjean spent 19 years in prison for stealing a loaf of bread. The wrapping paper.

19 years for a loaf of bread?

How good was this bread?

It wasn't about the bread. It was about the society--

Focus, people.

Manny, we will buy all your wrapping paper.

No. No, we won't. No, he's got to learn to sell.

This is the best business training there is, hell, the best life training.

Manny, write this down--

"A good salesman goes after Moby Dick in a rowboat and brings the tartar sauce with him."

Jay is always telling me to "Write this down."

I don't always catch everything he says.

"Something, something, firm handshake."

"Never take the first room they show you."

Not sure who "They" is.

And this one just says "Pancakes."

Cam, what's this scribble on the "Vanity fair" about an adoption agency? Oh, uh, yeah, they called to say they wanted to reschedule our home visit.

When? Why didn't you tell me? Th-this is kind of important.

Well, when does it say?

Uh, well, who knows?

It disappears into Jennifer Aniston's hair.

You gotta get a better system.

There is nothing wrong with my system.

Ask me anything about any upcoming event.

I can tell you when and where it is.

When is the adoption agency visit?

Okay. Is that a "5" or a curl?

Oh, I hope Jen's finally found love.

What happened here?

Well, Lily and I woke up in a french mood, so we decided to whip up some crepes.

When are you gonna be in the mood to wipe up some crepes?

Oh, I know, it's a little messy, but...

You know what? I'm gonna clean it up. Okay.

I'll clean it up. Will you?

Just say what's on your mind. You never clean up.

Save the gasp.

Cam, whenever you get creative in the kitchen, I'm the one who ends up cleaning it up, okay?

The homemade pizza, fondue, molecular gastronomy.

I'm still cleaning shrimp foam out of the curtains.

Okay, you know, Mitchell? Just go to work, okay?

I'm gonna take Lily to school, and then when I get home, I'm gonna scrub this place like a crime scene, which it is, because you've murdered joy.

Hey, buddy. What's up?

Hey, dad. Think fast.

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

If we had that on tape, it'd be the greatest youtube video ever!

We'd get, like, a million hits. This is our double rainbow!

We need to do it again.

Oh, I would, buddy, but, uh, your mom's all over me to change a bunch of lightbulbs.

How many moms does it take to screw on a lightbulb?

I don't know. - None, 'cause they get you to do it, sucker.

I laughed, but...

It hurt a little.

We're home!

Us, too. Oh, great. You're all here.

What's up, girl?

Oh. You know that really dangerous intersection?

Where desire meets jealousy, and the result is murder?

Mnh-mnh. The one where I almost killed you this morning.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. That was my bad. I got lost in my jams.

Dangerous combo-- Speed walking and speedwagon.

Oh. I wasn't even trying for that.


Well, I am getting us a stop sign.

I called City Hall, and how is this for amazing?

The traffic committee meets tonight.

I've got goosebumps.

I know, right? All I have to do is get 50 signatures, show up, make my case.

It's on. I am so proud of you.

We all are. Mm.

We love when mom gets on a project because usually the minute any of us walks in the door, she gives us something to do.

"Do your homework. Clean your room."

"Put on pants."

Like the queen's coming over. Am I right?

So when she's not around or gets busy, Luke and I capitalize on the situation.

There you are, my good man.

Squire, let's do it.

Get you some!

Well, I think it's awesome.

I am so glad because I could really use your help getting these signatures.

I'll do it, soon as I change those lightbulbs you wanted.

Great. Kids?

Crud. You know, I've got a ton of homework.

Uh, science project. Haley?

I need to get started on my college essay.

You know what? Maybe I'll write it about you.

You're just so inspirational.

Girl power! You rock.

Thanks, honey.

I do rock.

Stella, down.

Stella, no. This is very dangerous.

Okay, seńorita. That's it.

Come here, because Jay is gonna be very mad if something happens to you.

Ay, tener que cuidar perro ahora. ˇQué belleza!

Go play with the bone. See you later.

Now I can cook my empanadas.

The gate.

Ay, no!

Ay, no! The gate! The gate!

Estella, come back!

Hey there, Mr. Salesman.

Can we not talk about business?

That bad, huh?

I gave it everything I got--

Working the dimples, going big eyes.

It got me two things-- Diddly and squat.

How many houses you hit?

I don't know.

Must've been at least three.

Three? And that's your idea of the best you got?

It was very hard on me.

I'm not used to rejection... Or hills.

Look, you can't quit after three houses.

That's-- that's not perseverance.

What are you selling?

Wrapping paper. Wrong.

You're selling christmas--

The excitement of opening presents, the taste of eggnog.

I do love eggnog.

Look, write this down--

"What's the difference between 'try' and 'triumph'?"

A little oomph?

A little oomph. Get it?

Of course I get it. I just said it.

Hey! I'm gonna kill you when I find you, silly dog!

Why don't you come back? Stella!

I have a theory.

Ay, Cam, thank you for helping me.

Oh, it's my pleasure. Stella!


Oh, my god.

What? Do you see her?

No. But I see myself in the role I was born to play.



Hello? Oh, Mitchell, you are not gonna believe this.

I'm out helping Gloria look for her dog.

I'm wearing an undershirt and I'm screaming "Stella," just like in "Streetcar."

Hello? You didn't clean the kitchen.

Mitchell, I am an inadvertent Stanley Kowalski.

How can you not be delighted by this?

You promised.

I was called away for an emergency.

Gloria's lost her dog, and she's heartbroken.

Where are you, dumb dog? I hope in a big, black hole.

I cannot believe that you did this to me yet again. Oh.

I didn't do anything.

I cooked a meal in our kitchen.

And then you left on purpose, knowing that I would not be able to sit here without cleaning it up.

Life is messy sometimes. Big deal. It gets cleaned up.

You're the one with a problem if you can't leave a few dirty dishes for a couple hours.

O-okay, fine. C-cam, I'm not cleaning it up.


I mean it.

Perfect. You know what? Why don't you make it bigger?

You know what? I will.

I-I... Okay, you know, get--get ready, because you are gonna come home to-- To a giant mess.

And I will give him a giant hug when I get there.


Hey, dad. Think fast.

Oh. Wow. Buddy.

I'm sorry. I told you, I gotta change the lightbulbs and then help your mom with those signatures.

Never mind.

I guess it was a stupid idea anyways.

I've always said that if my son thinks of me as one of his idiot friends, then I've succeeded as a dad.

If he wants to go the wrong way on the escalator, I'm on board.

If he wants to go into a restaurant and pretend we're australian, toss a few shrimp on the Barbie for me and my Joey.

Yeah? Right? Nicole Kidman?

Men at work?

Here we go. Take 12.

Hey, buddy! I'm home!

Hey, dad. Think fast.

Wow. You know, my arm's starting to hurt a little.

Really? 'Cause my face feels great.

Come on, dad. Let's not turn on each other.

We could be here a while.

Yeah. Okay. You're right. Here we go.

Take nine.

You're not even trying.

Daddy, I'm hungry.

What do you want, honey?


All right well, go get 'em.

It's too high, daddy.

I can't reach.

For the record, I am not a neat freak.

I-in fact, in my first long-term relationship, I was the messy one, which is why she broke up with me.


No, thanks. Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me show you how it's done.

Hi. Uh, Jay Pritchett here.

Holidays are just around the corner.

I'm sorry. I don't believe in wrapping paper.

What do you mean you don't believe in wrapping paper?

It's not Bigfoot. It exists.

It's not eco-friendly. It's wasteful.

No, not this stuff.

This paper was made from 100% recycled materials.

I don't think so.

I can't understand what you're saying.

She's an ugly little fresh bulldog with the tiny ears and the smushy face.

What is so hard to understand?

Maybe I should translate.

I really don't like people coming to my door unannounced while I'm working on my carving.

I understand, but a stop sign is really important.

What exactly are you carving?

Hello, ma'am. Do you love christmas?

Actually, I'm jewish.

Oh, well, then you must appreciate a good value.

Oh, jeez.

If you see her, let us know.

Oh, my god. No, no. No, no.

Are you kidding? Seriously?!

See? You're not keeping your head in the right position.

I know that's me, but I'm not remembering any of this.

Oh. Those stupid neighbors!

What's wrong? I can't ask for a simple signature, but it's fine for them to build a house that looks like the Beverly Hillbillies just moved in.

Did you do any better?

We came close a few times, but you're not talking about the basketball, are you?

Phil, tell me you got some signatures.

I have to be at City Hall in, like, two hours.

Oh, god. Haley, how about you?

I've been busy with my college essay.

Really? Where is it?

It's in a rough, rough draft right now.

I've been thinking that maybe that I should--

Alex has been skyping with her boyfriend since you left.

That's so not true!

Thank you.

Really, thank all of you so much for your help.


Sometimes those things need to warm up, like the car.

Phil, don't even. I have been out there, trying to do something good for our community, because let me tell you, change doesn't just happen.

It is forged by empowered women like me and Norma Rae and the lady from "The Blind Side."

Do you know what the difference is between me and her?

Blind side's family had her back.


Huddle up, everybody.

Your mother's right.

She's the quarterback of this family, and we need to protect her like blind side did.

She just said the mom was blind side.

Well, she's confused.

Blind side was the black kid who played tight end.

Offense line.

Sorry. African-american kid.

There she is.

Ay! Stella!

Ay, thank god you found my dog. Thank you.

This is my dog. Her name's Pinky.

No, it's not. Her name is Stella.

It says right here on the tag. Look.

Uh, uh, uh, excuse me. Hi, sweetie. What's your name?


Shut up. Mitchell would die.

Listen, we don't know you.

You seem like a very sweet little girl, and right now we're forced to--

I can't believe I'm saying this to you--

Rely on the kindness of strangers.

I'll sell her to you for $200.

That's it. Give me my dog.


Oh, really? The little girl thinks because she can scream, she can get away with everything? I can scream, too.

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!




What the hell sound is that?

Coyotes must've got a cat.

Jay, can we stop now? I'm getting hungry.

You know what the problem is? You're not hungry.

I had a carrot at 3:00.

What if you couldn't feed your family unless you made this next sale?

What if you were gonna lose your house?

I know I was pushing the kid hard, but here's the thing--

I'm an older dad. I'm not gonna be around forever.

And I'll sleep better knowing he's got something to fall back on.

Come on! Let's hit another one.

I can't do it. What?

I don't have what it takes. What kind of talk is that?

It's the truth, Jay.

I'm not a great salesman. I'm not a great businessman.

I'm not you.

Do you know what it's like to see all the amazing things you've accomplished, knowing I never will?

How am I supposed to live up to you?

How is anyone?

Ah, so the fish weren't biting today.

So what? That's life.

You tried hard, and that's what matters.


You know, I-I actually need some wrapping paper.

You know where I can find some?

You don't have to do that. I want to do it.

You'll never go broke playing to a rich guy's ego---

Write that down.

Thanks so much, you guys.

Maybe you should make a wish.

Uh, hi. Oh, sorry.

Um, I'm here for the traffic committee meeting?

The meeting's been adjourned.

Yeah. Um... It's my birthday.

I'm sorry. Happy birthday.

Uh, just--someone sent me to the wrong room, and you guys don't meet again for months, and this is pretty much a matter of life and death, so...

Uh, yeah, it's fine.

Uh, just-- if you could make it quick.

We--it's an ice cream cake.

Okay. A-actually, it's not.

What? No.

Really? Oh, then we-- We're not in a rush, I guess.

At all. No rush. Go ahead.

Great. My name is Claire Dunphy, and my family and I live near that intersection of -- Why not? Why not?

The freezer was broken, and we couldn't keep it here.

See? This is why I ask you to think ahead, okay?

Do you have your 50 signatures?

Uh, almost. I have 34, but I--

Oh. That's the same thing.

Wow. I'm confused.

It's not the same thing. No.

No. 34 is not the same thing as 50, just like a cake is not the same thing as an ice cream cake. Right.

I get that. Sir, I'm trying to save lives here... - Mom.

And I can get you the rest of the signatures. - Mom. Mom. Mom.

Mom! Oh, my god. What are you doing here? Girls.

We--we went door to door and we got you 20 more signatures.

That is so sweet of you.

Well, you were freaking out at us, so... - Okay, you know, let's not ruin it.

All right, 54 signatures. Okay.

So what do you say?

Let's start saving lives one intersection at a time.

Okay, thank you very much.

We will, uh, take these under advisement.

Just leave 'em here, and thank you--

Wait a minute. I know what that means.

Oh, here we go.

That's Washington-speak for "Get lost."

Well, um, wow, Phil.

What are you doing here?

I'm your husband.

I'm blindsiding you.


Your honor, permission to approach.

Not a judge. I'll allow it.

I'll get straight to the point because this is important, and that appears to be an ice cream cake.

Well, it's not!

Okay. I present to you

"Stop in the name of life."

Kick it.

Clive Bixby.

Can I meet you at Harry's bar in two minutes?

Baby, I can do anything in two minutes.

Ooh. Oh.

I'll just speed through the intersection of Greenleaf and Bristol.

It's easy 'cause there's no stop sign.

I love being a kid.

I have my whole life ahead of me.




Okay. Well...


And unconventional, but I believe it makes our point.

So what do you say?

Well, the kid was all right. I didn't care for you so much.

But if I were to give a stop sign to everybody who wanted a stop sign... Mm-hmm.

This city would grind to a halt.

I understand, sir, but-- Thank you, ma'am.

Thank you. Thank you. Allow me. Allow me.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've lived with this woman for 20 years. - Mm-hmm.

If she wants a stop sign...

There's gonna be a stop sign.

Mm-hmm. He's right.

Listen to the man. Yeah.

Still--no good?

No bueno?

I'm home!

Oh, hey. Did you find Stella?

Safe and sound. Mm.



I did it! I left the mess. Aren't you proud of me?

I sure am. Good for you!

You know, it wasn't easy at first, but I just-- I took Lily to the park, and I completely put it out of my mind.

And I think I really cleared a hurdle today.

Oh, that's great. I'm super proud of you, And you're--and you're not even tempted to clean it up now?

No! That's great.

No, not now that you're home.

So guess I'd better get started.


I don't like it.

It's so gross.

Oh, my god.


I was right. You wanted me to clean it up.

Oh, that's preposterous.

I will not stand here and take this from you.

Oh, Cam! "Life is messy. I love chaos."

You are so full of it. Well, you know what?

That's all right. No worries. Hey, come on.

Come on. Just embrace it. It's life. - Oh, no!

Oh! Okay, now that is gratuitous.

Oh, it's okay. No! That's Lily's favorite cereal.

This is ridiculous.

Relax! Hey, Lily! Honey, come here!

Sweetheart, do you want a princess hat?

Yes! Yes! Yes!


Oh. Oh, okay. That--that is enough! No!

You've proven your point. I don't like to clean up.

It's smelly, it's sticky, and after I eat, I'm tired, and I just want to lay down.

And you put it off, knowing that I would do it?

Yes! Are you happy?

Yes... I... Am.

Hi. I'm Ellen Roberts from the adoption agency.

I'm... Here for the home visit.


I might need to tweak my system.

Hey, dad. Think fast.


Wait, wait, wait... I need a break.

Oh! John Philip Sousa!

Oh, my... 78 views.

We are on our way.

Yeah, we are.

You know what, Lukey? My dad was away a lot.

And I'm not gonna do that to you.

I'm gonna be the kind of dad...

How many more of these do you wanna do?