Modern Family S3E7 Script

Treehouse (2011)


What is all this? Hey!

Hey mom! I'm trying to write a stupid college essay question and I really don't even know where to start. - OK, what's the question? Tell me.

"What's the biggest obstacle you ever had to overcome?"

Didn't my 3rd Grade teacher said I had like ADD or something?

Oh, no honey. She said you couldn't A-D-D.

She put it that way because she also knew you couldn't S-P-E-L-L Wait, slow down.


What's this?

We talked about this last week.

I said I'm building Luke a treehouse, you said fine.

You know? Sometimes I think you just turn me out.

I never told her. She just would have said "no."

I don't remember agreeing to this, Phil.

This is like the time you backed down the driveway with a hang glider sticking out of the car.

If you'd let me keep that, those geese would have followed me to the wetlands.

You would have died. A hero.

So we spread out a nice blanket, opened up a bottle of vino, and watched the sun set over the water.

It was majestic.

Mm. Majestic.

Why? Why we never have the picnic?

Who wants to sit on a blanket? There's no back support.

It's majestic.

Last week, Shorty took me to see the Cirque du soleil--

It's like a circus, but classy.

So if you like elephants, don't hold your breath.

She's so cute.

Jay hates the crowds, the beach, the rainbows.

Rainbows? It's just colors in the sky.

Do we have to pull over every time and take a picture?

Shame. There's an expression in Italian, Jay--

Dammi la tua mano e corriamo uniti per tutta la vita.

"Give me your hand and we will run together our whole lives."

Jay also hates running.

Oh, thank you.

And here you go. Oh. What is this?

You said to knock your socks off.

Oh, well, look. It's already working!

Well, two more of those, and you won't be wearing any underwear either.

Oh! Look... Cam, down. Down.

Maybe later. Oh, okay, maybe... maybe later.

Did you hear that? Waitress is flirting with me.

No, no. She's not flirting with you.

She's-- she's trolling for tips, okay?

She totally knows you're gay.

How would she know I'm gay?

Uh, maybe it's the way you ordered a drink-a-doodle-doo.

Cam has this crazy theory that if he were straight...

And Julia Roberts were single...

They'd be dating. It's not crazy.

I met her once at an A.I.D.S. walk, and our chemistry was palpable.

No, you handed her a bottle of water.

And her fingers lingered.

Because you wouldn't let go.

I could totally pick up any woman in here.

If by that, you mean lift her off the ground, then yes, I'll give you that.

I for sure could be a womanizer.

Or you could be someone who just stepped out of a machine called the womanizer.

Okay, you know what? That's it.

Pick anyone in here.

If I can get their number, you do the laundry for a month.

If I fail, I'll do it.

Okay. I hate doing laundry. So, um...

No, um...

Oh, okay. Right here.


Okay, great.

Great. Just get rid of my flair...

Whoa. Where did Cam go?

I don't know. Where is he?

Dinner was absolutely wonderful.


Hey, you know what?

Why don't you guys come salsa dancing with us tomorrow night?

Oh, yeah! That would be great!

It sounds like so much fun. I love salsa dancing.

Jay, let's go salsa dancing with them. Look.

Why not?

I just bought that pay-per-view fight.

I tell you what-- we'll compromise.

We'll watch the fight. We'll eat salsa.

Who needs him? Come dancing with us.

Ay, no, I wouldn't want to--

No, no! You'd be doing me a favor.

Shorty never wants to stop, and I could use a break.

You hear that Jay? I never stop.

All I hear is she could use a break.

Hey! Oh, my God! How are you?

Hey. Hey!

Wow. Look at you. You look fantastic.

Thank you. So do you.

How long has it been?

It feels like forever. Yeah.

Um, when is the last time we saw each other?

Oh, let's see. I think it was at Dave's thing.

You know what? I'm sorry.

I don't know if you've heard.

I was in a terrible car accident, and ever since the coma, I have a really hard time placing names and faces.

So who are you again?

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

It was just a clever way to try to approach you.

We don't know each other.

I've never been in a coma.

But you so deserved that. That was the worst pick-up ever.

Oh, my God!

That was genius! And mean!

Now I know why we're old fake friends.

Oh. Can I buy you a drink?

Yeah. I'm Katie.


If she were a hot guy, I would never have been that smooth.

It's ironic.

Like the gift of the vagi.

There you go.

Thank you. Nice to meet you.

You, too. Bye! Bye!

Wham, bam, thank you, Cam.

Seriously? You got her number?

Sure did. And all my shirts get ironed, and their seams should appear straight, just like their owner.

Should you be using screws instead of nails?

America was built with nails, son.

So was that gazebo you built for our 4th of July party.

I'm telling you, you are gonna love this bad boy.

You know what can't climb trees?



Raccoons can and will get up here, so don't leave any food, or they'll get territorial and attack.

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Are you kidding me? You're gonna have so much fun hanging out up here with your buddies.

Trust me, when you get older, it all changes.

Why? Well, life gets in the way.

Did I just say "wife gets in the way"?

'Cause sometimes I do that.

Nope, you're good.

And you have lots of friends.

Yeah, I have work friends, and your mom and I have couples friends, and there are my college friends, but they're scattered all over the country.

It's not the same as just shouting out to your neighborhood buddies, "Hey, fellas! I'm up here in the tree house!" Uhh!

Fix that... board.

I can't do this.

Why are you so frustrated?

Because I've never had any obstacles to overcome.

Oh, honey, that's not true.

Really? Name one.


You're lactose-intolerant.

Oh, "dear college, cheese makes me gassy.

See you in September."

Sweetie, you're not really starting your essays

"dear college," are you?

What difference does it make?

I've lived a boring, sheltered, pathetic life.

I am sorry we have made things too easy and comfortable for you.

Oh, you should be! It is all your fault!

You have shielded me from everything interesting and dangerous!

You are blaming me because I kept you from getting hurt?

Gaby's mom's a hoarder.

That essay practically writes itself.

Maybe it is our fault.

But did you ever consider there's a reason?

What are you talking about?

There's a reason why we were so easy on you.

I don't understand.

Oh, honey, you're old enough now.

Old enough for what?

The truth.

Okay, come on. Gotta show you somethin'.

We're gonna go for a ride.

Mom, just tell me.

You are my mom, right?

Oh, hey.

I'm a bad man.

Oh, no. What did you eat?

Mitchell, remember the girl I met last night?

How can I forget her?

She's super famous for having the world's worst gay-dar.

How could I be so cavalier with her emotions?

You know, we had a real connection.

She gave me her number, and right now she's probably sitting by the phone waiting for me to call.

I don't think you understand how charmed she was by me.

Oh, my God. Where did you get all this self-confidence?

I won cutest baby at the 1974 Jasper county fair.

People at the time said I could go gerber.

You know what? I'm calling her.


No, I can't carry this around.

I have to come clean so she can move on with her life.

This is crazy. She is not waiting--

Hi. Katie. It's Cam.

First ring.

I was hoping I would call, too.

Oh, smooth.

So listen, I forgot to mention something last night, and I'm--I'm actually not really quite sure how to say this.

I'm a gay guy.

Um, it's actually somewhat delicate.

As am I, on account of the gay.

No, no, I had a great time with you, too, Katie.

It's--well, it's just that--

I don't dig the ladies. No, no. And I want you to sit--

I want you to have a seat on a chaise lounge.

Hey, you wanna go out and grab some dinner before the fight tonight?

No, thank you.

Wanna eat at home?

I'll grill some steaks, open a bottle of wine.

Whatever you want, because I'm not going to be here.

She's going salsa dancing without me.

Ay, Manny, I told you, it's a 21 and over club.

A forbidden dance floor. Only makes me want it more.

Wait a second. You're going dancing with Shorty and Darlene?

Yes, because even though he's old like you, he still likes to have fun.

We like to have fun.

Last week I took you to dinner, went to the boat show, got some sherbet?

And we were home by 8:30 with no boat.

What do you want from me? I don't like dancing.

I don't like sherbet. Yeah, right.

How about coconut?

Who doesn't like the coconut, hmm? Who?

And anyways, I'm going dancing with or without you.

Fine. I hope you have a good time with Shorty.

I don't need Shorty!

I won't have any problem finding a partner on my own!

Wow. Way to rub it in, mom.

How'd it go, heartbreaker?

That is one classy lady...

Which is why I couldn't tell her. What?

Well... I just couldn't do it on the phone.

She seemed so excited to hear from me, and I'm very bad at disappointing people, Mitchell.

Not all people.

Mama was right when she said my charm was like a wild stallion-- if not properly bridled, it'll bust down a barn.

Okay, you wanna get rid of your girlfriend?

Tell her that story.

Maybe I will when she comes over. She's coming over.

Are you serious?

She said she was in the area running errands.

What was I supposed to say, "don't come over"?

Well, I guess I could have said that, but it's too late now, plus I wanna break it to her gently.

So come on. Help me un-gay this place.

You know what? I'll make it less gay by half.

Oh, these flowers should go, too.

You mean the ones underneath the portrait of you cuddling another man?

Oh, good catch.



What's up, big guy?

How hard is it to learn this salsa dancing stuff?

Not hard at all.

It's about tapping into your emotion, your passion, and your inner fire.


I stink at dancing.

First dance at our wedding, Gloria was all graceful and gorgeous, and I was all big and clunky.

Like that scene from "Beauty and the beast."

Actually, that was the song.

Manny picked it.

He didn't like me back then.

Back straight. Okay.

Do as I do.

Other leg.

Okay, stop marching.

You're dancing, not invading Poland.

Hello, hi!

I'm looking for Jay Pritchett. He's about 6'2", tough guy, wrestles with homophobia...

The hell are you doing here?

Uh, I had to get out of the house.

Cam needed a little alone time with his new girlfriend.

Don't ask. Don't tell.

What's going on here?

He's learning to dance, but he's just so tense.

It's not working out. 'Cause you're not letting go.

I'm trying. Don't you think I want to be all smooth and make your mom happy out there?

But I just can't do it, that's all.

Jay, I'm not giving up on you.

Okay. Hey, Manny, would you give us a second?


Dad, look, I-I know this is weird, but you and I are a lot alike.

We're self-conscious, okay?

So, um, here. Just...

The hell is this?

It's just something that some people take at clubs to, you know, loosen up.

You take this?

A gay man who hates dancing lives in a sad and lonely little world.

This just melts your inhibitions, and--and you can dance all night, plus it gives you a raging--

I don't wanna--

I don't like this at all.

Just hold on to it. Just in case.

Come on. It's fine.

Jay, I wanna show you something.

A farmer in New Zealand taught a pig to dance.


See how he keeps his snout up?

Yep. This is it.

This is what?


I-I can't do this. I can't get out of the car.

I'm sorry. I'm too embarrassed.

Would you just tell me what's going on?

Okay. I-I want you to go read what's carved in that tree.

Mom, you're freaking me out.

Just do it. Do it, Haley.

Have fun getting home!

There's your obstacle!

What?! Are you kidding me?!

Oh! Son of a...

Brisket! Why does that keep happening?

Maybe I need a nail gun.

Okay, that's it! I'm out!

What do you mean, you're out?

Where are you going?

Dad, no offense, but I've seen you with a glue gun.

I think a nail is gonna be harder to get out of my hair.

No, don't go! I'm doing this for you!

Are you, dad?

Are you?

The kid made me think with that one.

Who was I really doing this for?

Sometimes I just say, "are you, dad? Are you?"

Because he gets real quiet and doesn't notice when I walk away.

It's weird, because I feel so comfortable around you already.

You know, last night when I got home, I just started thinking about all of the fun things that we could do together, you know?


I don't wanna scare you off, but my sister's getting married in a couple of weeks, and I so don't wanna go to that thing alone.

Maybe you could be my date?

Katie, you're an amazing woman.

You're smart, you're beautiful, and how fun is that handbag?

This is gonna come as a little bit of a shock.

I'm fairly gay.

I don't know why I said that.

I'm--I'm totally gay.

Just gay.

You're telling me you're gay?



I was born that way. I mean, you know, it's just--

No, why are you telling me? I mean, I know you're gay.

It's obvious.

Well, it's not that-- it's not that obvious.

Well, yeah.

The way you talk and walk and dress and your theatrical hand gestures--

I do not have theatrical hand gestures.

Okay, maybe I am moderately... expressive.

But why would you give me your number?

Oh, because I want a gay friend-- someone I can dish with, give me guy advice, and I can shop with-- those are totally offensive stereotypes.

We could go see Julia Roberts movies together.

I know her, and she's as nice as she seems on screen.

Shut up. Really? Is she? She is, yeah.

Wait, what--so you were pretending to be straight, and hitting on me?

I was just a stupid bar bet.

My boyfriend-- oh, he's here...

Bet me that I couldn't get a beautiful woman's number.

And as a proud gay man, I know it shouldn't matter, but I-I just wish everyone could find me attractive.

Oh. But now he's gonna get to gloat, and I guess I deserve it.

Hi... hi.

How's-- how's it going?


This is Katie, and, uh, it turns out, well...

No, actually.

It doesn't turn out well.

Because I thought I finally met a nice, funny guy, who is also hot!

And now he's telling me he's gay?!

He's, like, the least gay person I have ever met in my entire life!

And I thought he was the one!

And I even told my mom about him!

You better cherish him!


Are you sure you're gay?

No. Cam.


Yes. Look...

You're gonna find somebody, because you're an amazing girl, Katie.

You're the whole package.

I just prefer somebody who has one.


Oh... my... God!

That was a lot of girl tongue!

I think I need a drink-a-doodle-doo.

What was that?

Hello, Haley. How was your day?

I have no money, no cell phone...

You're welcome.


I listened to you.

I stopped coddling you, and look-- you overcame an obstacle.

Oh! Yeah! I did!

I grew up normal despite my crazy mom!

Well, that sounds like the beginning of a great essay.

"Dear college..."

Oh, honey, if you get stuck, let me know, and I'll make you sleep out in the yard.

You're psychotic!

Use spell check!


Don't just sit there! Get out here!

I'm good, I'm good.


Hola! You're looking so good!

How long has it been?

We don't know each other. Go away.

Fair enough.


You're looking so good. How long has it been?

What was wrong with that guy?

Yeah, I would have danced with him.

He's got nice shoulders.

Aw, you know, salsa is so intimate and sensual that it feels wrong to do it with somebody else that is not Jay.

Aw. You know, Darlene feels the same way.

If I wasn't here, she's be holding up the wall.

Yeah. A wall of men.

You know, I think I should go home to my loving husband and pull him close and tell him that I danced with 20 men.

He's not home.

He's in a dicey neighborhood worried about his car.

Yay! Hey!


What, are we gonna kiss or dance?

Let's dance!

I'm dead set against drugs.

"Just say no" and all that stuff.

But I thought, just this once for Gloria.

And if I was gonna make a complete ass of myself, I didn't wanna remember it.

The big drug I gave him-- baby aspirin. Orange-flavored.

He could have chewed it.

Home come you never surprise me like that?

I do surprise you.

No, you don't. You never surprise me...

That's gonna be a hell of a tree house.

Oh, thanks. I'm trying.

It's for my son, but he's kind of lost interest.

It's kind of like my daughter with the dog.

Which is why I'm the one out here doing this.

Did you just move in?

Lived here eight years. You?

12. Huh.


You know, me and my friends, we, uh, we built a tree house when I was a kid.

We spent hours in that thing.

Loved it.

Me, too.

You need any help?

Yes, a lot.

But I-I don't wanna bother you.

Only thing that bothers me is that drunken Amish roof you got up there.

Do you even have a level?

I did, but I might have gotten frustrated and thrown it into your yard.

Let me find it. I'll be right over.


I'm Phil, by the way.

I'm Andre. Nice to meet you, Phil.

Nice to meet you, Andre.

So I guess I was wrong when I said once you get older, it's harder to make new friends.

Honey! The dude in the tree is cool!

Andre, it turns out, is an orthopedic surgeon, handy with tools, and a great guy to hang out with.

Plus he's a badass black man that gives me extra street cred.

That's his joke.

He's my brotha from a different motha.

What was that? Different--

That's not it. What is it?

It's "brother from another mother."

Brotha from anotha motha--

Slow down. Slow it down.

Brotha from another motha.

Forget it. Don't-- just don't say it. Forget it.