Modern Family S4E1 Script

Bringing Up Baby (2012)

Good morning.

There's the birthday boy.

Sixty-five candles on one cake. This is a big day for you... and for the astronauts who can see it from space.

[ Chuckles ] Happy birthday to you.

Thank you. And just so everyone knows, I want a quiet day.

No surprises.

Last night I found out that I am pregnant, so Jay's gonna get one big surprise.

Okay, two if you count the barbecue apron with the bikini body on it.

I don't blame you, Jay. You've had enough excitement in one lifetime- the dawn of flight, printed books, agriculture.

All right, what's with all the jokes?

It's insult comedy.

I've been watching old Dean Martin roasts online.

Like this guy knows from the Internet.

The other morning, I saw him looking for the crank on the front of his car.

Okay, you're done. I make fun, and we laugh.

But in all seriousness, if you see a light today, don't walk towards it.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm sorry I was asleep when you got home.

Cam and Mitch must be disappointed.

They were really geared up to get that kid.

But there's a silver lining.

You might be right. Babies are a lot of work.

[ Doorbell Rings ] No, that's not what I mean.

I mean-Ah, you know, and these two aren't getting any younger.

The last thing they need is to start over.

Would that be so bad?

Hey, Jay.


How you doing?

What the heck is that? What?

Get him! [ Groans ]

Jay has been very explicit... about what he wants to do for his 65th birthday, but Phil Dunphy reads between the lines.

What the hell is going on? What are you doing?

Making your birthday dreams comes true.

This is your special day, buddy. Should we put him in the trunk?

Why would we put him in the trunk?

You said there were no bad ideas. Get this stupid thing off me!

I thought you said the hood would calm him down. It works with my falcon.

Don't worry, Gloria. We'll have him back in time for dinner.

Which for him is at 4:00 in the afternoon.

[Laughs] 'Cause he's old! I love it!

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪

This is really good coffee.

It really is.

Ah. Is it a medium roast or-

Uh, dark.

Oh. I was gonna say dark. I don't know why I said medium.

Well, you would've been right.


Is it whole milk or-

Two percent. Two percent.

Mm-hmm. [ Clicks Tongue ]

Okay. This is ridiculous.

We need to talk about the elephant in the room.

The giant stuffed elephant was a gift from our good friend Pepper.

Gay guys having kids is- it's relatively new, so our community has not yet learned how to modulate baby gifts.

When Steven and Stefan had little Rocco, Our friend Longinus sent over the whole cast of Yo Gabba Gabba!

Now Rocco cries whenever he sees bright colors.

I'm not allowed over there. [Whispers ] No.

I guess we should donate it somewhere, along with the 800-pound gorilla.

I mean, you know, now that we're not getting a baby, it's-

A decision, by the way, which seems even better in the light of day.

Mmm. No, I totally agree.

So we're good? No, we're great.

We couldn't have handled this any better. No.

Where's my new baby brother?

Okay. Uh, a slight oversight.

Can I see him? Can we name him Larry?

Okay, sweetie. Here, have a seat with us.

Um, listen.

There's something we need to tell you.

Is it about Larry?

Well, uh, yes. Uh, sort of.

Um, it-it turns out that... we're not getting a baby.

Yeah, and I know this- this makes you very sad, but I promise you we're still a family-

Can I have a kitten?

A kitten? If I can't have a brother, then I want a kitten named Larry.

Okay, wh-what's this about? Is Larry on a show?

[Whispers ] He's not. Which is what's weird.

Ooh! How was prom? So fun.

Michael and I danced all night. Uh-huh.

Then we stayed after and helped clean up, which was awesome, because I got to meet next year's trig teacher.

That is not the prom I remember.

I have such a bad headache.

That's the prom I remember.

Were you drinking? Mom, do we really have to do this?

You ask if I was drinking, I say “No,” and we both know that that's not true.

I mean, aren't we past this point in our relationship?

No, young lady, we are not. Then I wasn't drinking.

Me neither, Mrs. D.

Dear God. Tell me he did not spend the night here.

Mom, do we really have to do this?

Mom, I have a big decision to make about poetry camp this summer.

Is this about the walking sticks again?

Pack them all and decide when you're there.

I can either focus on sonnets or free verse.

I've always fancied myself a sonneteer, but I'm thinking the free verse girls will be freer with everything, if you catch my meaning.

Hmm. Ay. I'm sorry, Manny.

I'm sure you will make the right decision.

Are you okay? You seem distracted.

Manny, sit down. I have to tell you something.


I am pregnant.

You're what?

I'm going to have a baby.

Wow. What?

You're not happy?

Yeah. Sure. It's just a lot to take in.

And I'll be honest, this isn't coming at a great time for me... with everything I've got going on.

This is not your responsibility.

Neither is our wooden salad bowl, but I'm the only one who oils it.

Without me, that thing will soak up dressing like a sponge.

Manny, I can take care of a baby. I took care of you.

Please. I was an anomaly. I self-potty trained.

I just did not get the appeal of intentionally soiling one's pants.

That said, I will admit to missing the kisses on my tummy.

How did Jay take it?

I haven't been able to tell him yet.

He might not be too thrilled.

Do you think? I was starting to wonder the same thing.

He doesn't deal well with change. I know.

He still checks the front step for the evening paper.

Don't worry, Mom. I'm sure he'll adapt. [Sighs]

Although he still does call the remote the “clicker.” AM yeah.

I'm bored, Daddy. Make the car dance.

All right. But just for a second, all right?

Yay! Yay!

Do it again. No. Once was enough.

If I can't have a brother, then I want the car to dance.

Wow, you are really comfortable playing that card.


They wouldn't take 'em.

[ Sighs ]

They were afraid they might have bedbugs.

Are you serious? They rejected our donation?

I was so offended, I almost didn't buy this Fiestaware creamer.

Two bucks. Didn't know what they had.

Ah! Score.

So what are we gonna do now?

Get a kitten and then name it Larry.

Lily, honey, this is hardly the day to get a kitten, okay?

Would you just tell her? I don't know.

I kinda want one now.

You know, we have been through a lot, and maybe... the presence of a cuddly little friend will help us ease the pain.

Okay, so what you're saying is you have a child-shaped hole in your heart, and your plan is to cram a cat into there?

He has a name.

[ Ducks Quacking ]

I can't wait till your eyes adjust to the light... and we see the look on your face. I hate you guys.

Hey, Phil, you ever think about growing a beard? I mean, you got the face for it.

You think? Yeah.

That's funny. I always thought so, but my wife doesn't.

Oh, what does she know? Come on. You got a great nose, those deep-set eyes.

I mean, you would look good. [Chuckles] Thanks, Shorty.

That's, uh-Sort of a Jon Hamm in between projects.

Okay, put me back in the trunk.

Relax. You're almost there. Nope. I'm done now!

[ Shorty] Hey, no! [ Phil ] Jay, no!

Hey! Jay! [ Shorty] Whoa!

Jay! Jay! Son of a bitch! Somebody help me!

I would, but-but these pants are cashmere!

I got you, Jay!

[ Shorty] You gotta calm him down.

Punch him in the head. Don't punch him in the head.

Don't make me punch you! I will punch you to save you! I think I'm being waterboarded.

You're making me do this!


Get this thing off of me!

Happy birthday. We're taking you fishing.

For whatever it's worth, Dylan was very responsible last night.

He's a good guy to have around the house.

Hmm. Where are we going with this?

Well, since I can't move in with him anymore, he can't afford his apartment.

So I was wondering if it would be okay... if he could stay with us for a couple weeks?

Sure. Oh, you know what? Why don't you guys take our room?


She's being facetious.


Dylan no stay.

[ Blender Whirring ] What? Oh, come on!

He'd help out a lot. He's very handy.

Really? The guy who locked himself in his car?

You are in no position to be asking for favors, young lady.

Here. Drink this. It's for your hangover.

[ Groans ] It smells gross. Well, then you better drink it fast.

[ Claire ] Mm-hmm.

Ew! I'm gonna throw up. Oh! Oh!

[Groans] That's a hangover cure?


Well, this is probably shot.

Once again, I'd like to apologize for punching you in the head.

It really was the only way to save you, since you were bound and".hooded, which leads me to my second apology.

Gentlemen, come on. As my uncle used to say, let's not let a botched kidnapping ruin our whole afternoon.

He's right. The whole point of this... is for you to enjoy the lake with your three best friends.

Stan coming?


[ Chuckles ] So, 65, huh?

You're heading into the best years of your life.

That's right. You put in the work. You climbed the mountain.

Now it's time to reap the rewards. I guess you're right.

Sounds pretty good to me. You know, the more I look at you, the angrier I get that you don't got a beard.

I had a soul patch once. A soul patch? That's like a beard's crap.

I golfed six times last week.

Found 42 balls- a new record.

I don't think my falcon could have found that many, and he can spot a mouse at 600 yards.

What does that have to do with beards?

I thought we were talking about Jay turning 65 and how good that's gonna be.

That's right. It's gonna be great, Jay. I'm telling ya.

I got a vegetable garden. Two years ago, it was a patch of dirt in my backyard.

Now I got tomatoes, I got five kinds of beans, I got squash.

And between you and me, I'm even thinking about pickling my own cucumbers.

Why would that be between you and me?

Because there's a finite number of pickles.

But don't worry. All you guys are on the list.

Well, I'd like to make a toast.

To Jay, who's not particularly buoyant.

And again, I'm very sorry about that, but... he's the best father-in-law a guy could ask for.

All right. And we're-we're all really lucky to know him. Cheers.

Hear, hear. Salute!

Thanks, guys. You know what? It is kinda nice being out here with all of ya.

Hey, let's do some fishing. I'm starting to feel better... now that I'm finally getting dry. [ Engine Starts]

Let's do this!

All right! [ Shorty] Let's do it!

Sure, I had a little peppermint schnapps at my prom, but I hid it from my parents, and I kicked my boyfriend out before they woke up.

It's called respect.

[ Sighs ] I'm pregnant.

[ Gasps ]

You're gonna get fat.

Oh! Okay- it's great. it's great!

You're pregnant! It's great! Congratulations!

Wow. It was a surprise.

Yeah, I'll bet. What did my dad say?

I haven't told him yet.

I worry that he's going to think it's not such great news.

Oh, no. Don't be silly.

He's gonna be thrilled.


I knew he wasn't gonna be thrilled.

And if history was any indication, he wasn't gonna be able to hide it.

It's a French-Canadian delicacy called poutine.

Mmm. Well, it looks like vomit, so I'm not pou-ting it in my mouth.


[ Fork Clatters ]

We're here!


What'd you do to your hair? Thought I'd try something different.

What, looking old?

I had to get to Dad before he said something insensitive to Gloria.

She's gonna get really fat though.

Dad, call me back. I have something very important to tell you... so when you get home you don't say something stupid like you usually do.

Oh, happy birthday. [ Pool Balls Clack]

Yeah. I've gotta say, you're handling this baby thing better than I would've expected. What do you mean?

You're used to being the only kid in the house.

Now there's gonna be a new kid.

Jay's kid. So?

Well, the old Manny would've been worried that Jay would love the new kid more.

I think you're underestimating how adorable I am.

You're right. You're way cuter than a baby.

I'm gonna go check on dinner.

Sometimes I just like to toss a grenade and run away.

All right. Take a whiff.

Make sure you like it, 'cause that's what our couch is gonna smell like.

Okay, hi. Yes, we're gonna take this one.

Oh, I'm gonna need you to slow down a bit.

There's a process we need to go through to see if you're a suitable cat guardian.

Oh, really? Because I thought the process was I say, “We'll take this one,” and then you say, “Thank God, because we have too many cats.” No. We need to ensure these cats are going to good homes.

That's why we need you to fill out this form, and then there'll be a site visit.

Okay, um, we've just been through a very frustrating year... trying to adopt a baby, so- [ Clicks Tongue ]

You'll forgive us if we're not really in the mood... to jump through too many hoops for a cat.

Oh. Why wouldn't they give you a baby?

It's complicated. So are cats.

Are they? 'Cause that one over there has been licking itself ever since we got here.

Okay, you know what? I'm-I can't do this.

What about Larry? I'm sorry, Lily. Not today.

Mitchell stormed off, but I couldn't.

I had to give her a piece of my mind. And how'd that go?

I may have strayed off topic just a bit. Yeah.

No, sir. No, she will always be Norma Jeane Baker to me.

What is your point exactly? That like the thrice-married starlet, this cat is being deprived a stable home.

I am sorry if you're upset. You're the one who should be upset, ma'am.

We are animal lovers.

That cat would've been on the receiving end of affection...

24 hours a day.

Satisfying its every need would've been our top priority.

Okay, in light of that tableau, I would like to take back the phrase “receiving end.”

Mom, I've decided I'm not going to poetry camp.

What? Why not? 'Cause by the time I come back, Jay will have turned my room into a nursery.

No, he won't. I'm not his real kid.

I'll be as insignificant as a whisper in a windstorm.

Ay, listen to you. You have a gift.

You have to go to the poetry camp. I don't think I can risk it.

Manny, please. I have too much to worry about right now. Okay?

You? I dug a pretty big hole for myself with those insult jokes this morning.

Ay-Why didn't I learn from Rickles?

You gotta end with some ticker. [ Mouths Word ]

Okay, I give up. I can't find a position that's not sexual.

Just calm down. I can't calm down.

You know, maybe we're not as okay as we keep saying we are.

I know. Maybe we should go away.

You know, go someplace to heal.

Where? I don't know. Someplace with a vibrant theater scene-

Hmm. Top-notch restaurants-

The jewel of Missouri's White River. We're not going to Branson.

Okay, fine. Where would you go?

I don't know. Maybe Europe? London? Mmm.

Just somewhere far away. I-

I'm just sad, Cam. I am too.

You know, I had our mornings all planned out.

The baby and I would walk Lily to kindergarten... and then cut back home through the park and feed those ducks... that you're not supposed to feed, but everybody does.

I bought a picture frame for my desk, and it's just sitting there, waiting for his face.

Come here.

I already feel better. Me too.

Yeah. See what the power of a hug can do?

[Chuckles] Just saved us a long plane ride with a toddler.

And a cat that we didn't want. Oh, we're still getting that.

[ Groans ]

All right. How does this look?

Perfectly innocent. They're not even touching.

Great. Okay. Let's go. All right.

You ready, honey?

All right.

Go. Go.

Hey, Mrs. Dunphy. Hmm?

I heard about what Haley asked you, and just so you know, I never wanted to put you in that position.

I'll be fine. That's good to know.

My cousin Dylan said I could stay at his house.

Well, not really at his house.

More like behind it, in the garage.

Okay. Well, actually, there are no walls, So it's more of a porte cochere. Fancy.

Anyway, I'll be sleeping in it.

It's got a bathroom. Hmm!

More of a half bath. Oh.

It's a coffee can. Aw.

Anyway, I'll be fine once I find a nice tent to protect me from the coyotes.

Well, be sure to hang your food up high.

[ Door Opens ] [ Phil ] We're back.

Birthday boy is here.

Hey, Jay, you're all wrinkled. Yeah, yeah, I'm old. I get it.

No, I mean your clothes. Yeah, when I was your age, I was wearing animal skins.

Bam! You got me. I think, barn, you got yourself.

I'm just expressing concern.

Let me guess-about my bone density. You know, you're a real smart-ass.

At this rate, I'm gonna be living in the basement.


Dad. Dad. Okay, quick.

Just come here one second. I gotta tell you something.

Somebody is about to tell you some very important news.

And for the first time in your life, I need you to react nicely.

I always react nicely. You never do.

And this person in question is very vulnerable right now.

So could you please just be loving and supportive?

Happy birthday, Dad!

Oh, thank you. Hey. That's a boy.

Sorry we're late, but it's for a good reason.

We're thinking about getting a cat. [Claire] Oh.

Well, isn't that wonderful?

I'm thrilled for you both. This is a heck of a decision.

You have my full support.

Okay. I think it'll be a perfect addition to the family.

I know I'll love the heck out of the little bugger.

I'm just hoping that little one over there doesn't get jealous.

Oh, this little one will be just fine now that he knows where he stands- in the shadow of your new baby!

What's he talking about?

He's talking about I am pregnant.

Oh, come on! Pregnant?

You gotta be kidding me. Oh, gross. I didn't know Grandpa could still do it.

Don't be disrespectful, Luke. Anyone could do it with Gloria.

And if you're too set on your old ways... to be happy about it, I can raise it on my own.

I have done it before, and I can do it now!

I come from a very long line of strong Latin woman... whose husbands are nowhere to be found!

Are you done? Yes!

Can I say something? Go on!

That's the greatest news I've ever heard.

It is?

I spent the day hearing what my future had in store for me, and I didn't like one bit of it.

It felt like my life was ending.

And now you're telling me that I get to have a new start... with the woman of my dreams.

I think I'm gonna cry. I'm way ahead of you.

Can you believe this? I know. They wouldn't even let us get a cat.

It's gonna be great! I'm gonna get so fat.

Mostly great.

Oh, gross. They're at it again.

If you don't like it, don't look.

She looks great, doesn't she? Yeah.

Not really gaining weight the way I would've expected.

I finally understand why people say pregnant women glow.

Phil, I've had three children.

Hey, Dad, Gloria, open our present.

Uy! I hope it's something fancy.

[ Gasps ] it's for the baby. I love it!

We got it at a shop at Heathrow, duty-free.

[ Chuckles ] Not for long.

[ English Accent] isn't it absolutely brilliant?

Okay, we were in London two weeks. Lose the accent, Madonna.

Why is your face all scratched up? [Scoffs ] Stupid Larry.

This feels so weird. It suits you.

Don't even joke about it.

That's it. He is moving out of the house tomorrow.

Really? Mm-hmm. Oh, and that beard is going.

Fine. But it's gonna kill Shorty.

[Clapping 1 Okay, everybody, let's gather together.

Manny is gonna read us a little something... that he prepare in his poetry camp.

Thank you, Mom. This is for my new baby brother or sister.

“Welcome, little one.

Open your eyes and take your place.

This is where you're meant to be, nestled in the bosom of your mother.” Lucky baby. What?

Love you, baby.

“This is where you're meant to be, in the arms of your father.

His long, long journey has readied him for this day.

Though his skin may be loose, his hair but a wisp... and his eyes milky with age”-

All right. We're done here.

Get a drink. [ Clears Throat]

Don't feel bad about making me move out, Mrs. D.

I knew this day would come eventually, and I'm totally covered.

Great. So we'll see you around.

I got a place with an old friend of mine.

Well, not so much of a place as a storage pod.

Not so much of a friend as a raccoon.

Good to know you'll have company.

I call him Bubbles because his mouth is all foamy.

Dylan, I am onto your little game. I know none of this is true.

You're just trying to guilt me into letting you stay.

You're right. I'm sorry. Mm-hmm.

I'll just live in my car.

Think I can borrow a coat hanger... in case I get locked in there again?

[ Sighs ] God. What's going on?

No, no, no. No, no. All of it.

Sure you don't want to dance with the devil before I get rid-