Modern Family S4E11 Script

New Year's Eve (2013)

Jay, have you seen the grapes?

Yeah. I ate them. Why would you eat the grapes?

They were in a bowl. They were washed. I paid for them.

They were for the New Year's.

Oh, right. What's that goofy thing again?

It's not goofy. It's a tradition.

At midnight you eat 12 grapes.

You make 12 wishes, one for each month of the year.

And you really think that works?

Five years ago I was a single mother living in a slum.

Today I'm driving to Palm Springs... in my new car with my rich husband.

You do what you want. I'm eating the grapes.

For New Year's Eve we're taking Phil and Claire and Mitch and Cam... to this amazing hotel I used to go to in Palm Springs.

They got a whole package- dinner, dancing, toast at midnight.

I mean, what more do you need?

Grapes. I said we'd stop on the way.

Haley, it's New Year's Eve.

You sure you don't want to go to a party or something?

And listen to all my friends talk about how awesome college is?

I know how awesome college is. That's what got me kicked out.

I'm sure Uncle Mitchell will feel much better leaving Lily here... knowing that you're in charge. Oh.

You know you're really in charge, right?

How do you know I don't have a party?

Okay, fine.

Lily, are you ready for your big sleepover with your cousins?

Who's watching me?

Haley. I'm serious.

Alex. Okay. Let's go.

Every New Year's Eve, it's like, "What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do?"

So we were happy that Jay planned this whole thing.

It really takes the pressure off of having to outdo ourselves.

Yeah, and how are we gonna possibly top last year?

[ TV, Faint] [ Horn Blares ]

[ Gasps ] Oh. Did we miss it?

[ Mutters ]

It's only 10:00. What?

It's only 10:00. What?

It's only 10:00!

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey♪ ♪

[ Jay ] Huh. Place is smaller than I remember.

[ Claire ] Smaller is your issue?

[ Gloria ] When was the last time that you were here, Jay?

Not that long ago. In 1974, '75.

So when I was two? I don't like when you do that.

I checked the Web site. The pictures look beautiful.

Oh! Lizard. Hey. [ Cameron ] Ew.

Never trust pictures on the Internet.

Shoot it from the right angle, you can make anything look bigger and better.

[ Both Purr ] Houses, you pervs.

He's a Realtor. I thought I heard voices.

Robby, I told you. It's people.

Oh, my God. That's me in 20 years.

Okay, you be her and I'll be whoever left her.

We're checking in. It's under "Pritchett."

Jay Pritchett, three rooms.


You've been with us before.

How old is that book? [ Mitchell ] Oh, there is something sticky over here.

Robby? It came back.

That's not possible.

Okay, so the place is not what it used to be, but we're gonna have fun.

Dining in the Starlight Room.

Little dancing with the Shelly Stroman Trio.

Oh, there's just two left.

Here are your keys.

Checkout's at 11:00, but if you want to stay longer-

No, 11:00 is good. [ Clears Throat ]

Here we go.

Oh. Is there anything wrong?

No, no. We were just hoping for something a little more romantic.

Come on, now. It's not that bad.

What's in there? Nothing.

If you're looking for romance, there's a secluded hot spring nearby.

Kind of a hidden gem.

Huh. Just follow the path... right by the 12th hole of the golf course.


That sounds kind of nice.

Secluded, natural.

Sexy. Sexy.

What do you think, Phil?

Does it smell like eggs? Some of 'em smell like eggs.

It's been a while since Phil and I-

[ Chuckles ]

The whole month of December, not even a-Mm-hmm or a quick- [ Clucks Tongue ]

You know.

It's embarrassing. And it's not like us.

That's making me anxious, which is why I really need to get-[ Whistles ]

Thanks again.

Yeah, that's yours to keep.


Bye now.

I say we bag dinner with my dad and go find that hot spring.

Honey, we can't just ditch your father.

He wanted us all to be together.

We are always together. Oh, my God.

What are we gonna hear that we've never heard before?

Mitch and Cam's inspiring story of how Lily saved that kid with the Heimlich?

Please. She hugged him, and he spit his gum out.

I say we get a bottle of champagne, look up at the stars, forget our bathing suits.

That does sound hot. Mm-hmm.

I'd just be thinking about your dad the whole time.

I'm gonna hop in the shower.

What's in there? Nothing.


Oh, perfect. No, great. If we need any socks, someone left one in the bed.

My gosh. There is no way Crispin stays here when he comes to the Beacon.

What's the Beacon?

The club that he's always raving about. It's right down the street.

That's where we should go.

Somewhere fun for New Year's, while we're still young... ish.

Let's get out of dinner and go there.

How? I don't know.

Um-Okay, okay.

You could pretend to get sick at the table.

You know, fake a cough, stomachache-

Dealer's choice. I don't care.

Just sell it and get us out of there.

But what about your dad? He wants the family to be together.

We are always together.

How many times do we have to hear Claire tell us...

Luke's hilarious comeback to the pediatrician?

[ Sighs ] Gosh, we should start calling her Ranch House, because she doesn't have a second story.

[ Gasps ] So good.

I know. Thank you.

Hey. You sure you don't want to play The Hunger Games with all of us?

My whole life is a Hunger Game.

Why do you think I'm so mean to you?

[ Doorbell Rings ] That's for me.

Hey. Come on in. [ Together ] Hi.

Hey, I'm out. [ Gun Shoots ]

This is Becca and her cousin Joyce.

Joyce is for you. What? I'm on a date?

But I'm not wearing any cologne.

Did you know this was happening?

I don't even know what this is.

Joyce, this is Manny. Pleasure to make your acquaintance.

Can I offer you a glass of sparkling cider?

He's not how you described him.

Don't worry. You'll love him.

Manny, say something romantic. I can't just turn it on.

You say something romantic. Cool shirt.

Aw. Can I see your room? Well, I didn't clean it for me.


They're going upstairs, alone.

Is that even allowed? I don't know.

Should we say something? Like what?

Like "It's not okay"?

Well, maybe it is. Is it? I don't know.

I just feel like we're not doing our job as babysitters.

Of course we are. [ Doorbell Rings ]

I'm cold, and I saw a coyote.

[ Pop Instrumental ] [ Chattering ]

And Luke turns to him and says, "Dr. Blaustein, really? Not even dinner first?"

[ Laughs ] [ Dry Chuckle ]

Hand to God. Dr. B. told me himself.

[ Phil Laughing ]

[ Snoring ] You know, I'm sorry, but I love this place.

I know it's a little rough around the edges, but I've always had a good time here, and I'm having a great time tonight.


How's your chicken Kiev? It's really good.

Tasty. Yeah. It tastes like Russia.

What are you waiting for? Get sick.

Not yet. I'll know when it's time.

[ Snoring ] Honey.

Ay. [ Whispering ] You're sleeping.

I was? Ay, I'm so sorry, Claire.

It wasn't because you were telling again the Luke-and-the-doctor story.

It's just that I've been so tired lately.

[ Coughing ] Oh. Oh, gosh.

Are you okay? She's been feeling bad all day.

Yeah, I think I might be coming down with a little something. Oh, man.

Oh, my God. I know.

I drank out of her glass earlier.

No. She's stealing our excuse. What?

[ Snoring ] Honey.

Wake up, Gloria! Easy. If that makes a mark, I get the stink-eye.

I'm gonna walk her upstairs. I think you need to lie down.

Okay. Just a little disco nap.

[ Phil ] Okay. This has been fun.

No, no, no, no. Keep the party going. I'll be back as soon as I can.

[ Coughing ]

There it is. Now?

No, I have something stuck in my throat.

It's too bad Lily's not here to give you the Heimlich.

Did we ever tell you guys that story?

[ Mitchell ] Do you wanna tell it? Yeah, let me tell it.

Jay, you should go back and spend time with your family.

I can't leave you alone on New Year's Eve, even though everyone's waiting for me to come back.

Aw, that's so sweet. Yeah. I just hope I don't hold up... the lighting of the cherries jubilee. [ Elevator Bell Dings ]

Jay, if you really want to go and-Okay.

[ Chattering ] [ Band Continues ]

Where'd everybody go?

I don't know. I guess they all left.

[ Bubbling ]

You still want the cherries jubilee?

Light 'er up.

[ Crickets Chirping ] [ Rattling ]

Hey, if it isn't Jay Plunkett.

It isn't. It's- It's Jay Pritchett.

You having a good New Year's?

Eh, kind of a bust. Everybody bailed on me.

I'm gonna hit the sack.

Hey, we just had a guy who bailed on us. You play hold 'em?

Yeah, but I should probably, uh-

[ Gloria Snoring ]

What's the buy-in?

Jay- [ Chuckles ]

Say hello to, uh, Marty, Bugs-

How ya doin', Jay?

My ex-husband Hugo- Hi. How you doing?

And Billy Dee. Hey.

Are you serious? Billy Dee Williams?

I'm a huge fan. Well, now you'll have to stay, since none of these guys have seen me in anything since Mahogany.

Never even saw that. Me either.

You're kidding. Billy Dee's an alderman trying to keep Diana Ross in Chicago... rather than become an international model and designer.

My son made me watch it with him. He's gay.

Oh, good. I didn't want to be the one to tell you.

[ All Laughing ]

♪ ♪ [Electronic Dance On Speakers] [ Chattering ]

Excuse me! Sir, excuse me.

He's doing this on purpose. He probably just doesn't notice us.

How can he not notice us? We're the only people in here in sleeves.

Hey there. What can I get for ya?

Excuse me, young man. I was here first.

Young man? Why don't you just call him whippersnapper?

This is ridiculous. We can't even get a drink.

Everyone in here's 11, and I'm hot!

If we were hot, we'd be drinking right now. Hi.

Yeah, and if we'd stayed put, we'd be enjoying cherries jubilee right now.

Hey, hey, hey. Cam, come on.

It's New Year's Eve. We're out together.

Where's fun Cam who likes to dance?

Here. Wh-Where-Where is he?

I'm over here. Oh, there he is!

Come on! Okay, I'm sorry.

I was just feeling invisible. It'll get better.

Okay, you know what? That is wet. I'm done.

Oh! God! God, no!


They've been in there forever. Do something. You're in charge.

Oh, please. We both know I'm just the figurehead here.

You really think they're doing something in there? He's 12.

He's 14, but it's touching how close you are.

[ Sighs ] Fine.

What do you want?

You have to keep your door open.

Why? Uh, well, why do you need it closed?

Because we're gonna make out. Oh. Um-

Well, you-

You can't have your door closed.

Why? Do you wanna watch or something? That's weird.

Ew! Ew! Of course we don't wanna watch.


But you can't- What are you d-

What just happened?

[ Rattling ]

Can I offer you a piña Delgado?

It's my own concoction.

What's in it? Let's just say it's cool, it's sweet, and it's not afraid to embrace its own whimsy.

I'm not saying that.

I'm not drinking it either.

So, you making any resolutions?

Yeah. No more blind dates.

You're mean.

You know, she's right, Joyce. You are mean.

I've been a gracious host, while you've been rude, sullen and dull.

You'll forgive me if I choose not to start the new year on such a negative note.

Oh, and if you're hungry for broccoli later, you'll find a piece in your teeth.

Where is this stupid path?

We've been walking forever. We'll find it.

Did that bellman seem a little off to you?

Oh, totally. Maybe there is no hot spring.

Maybe this is all part of an elaborate plan to kill us.

Why would you even say that? I'm just trying to lighten the mood.

[ Sighs ] You seem so tense.

Come on. This is an adventure. This is fun.

I don't wanna have an adventure. I don't wanna have fun.

I wanna have sex with you. Wha-What?

Don't make me say it again. No, I want you to say it again.

Maybe throw my name in there this time. [ Sighs ]

Claire, what's going on?

Do you know that it's been a month?

No, it hasn't. Mm-hmm. Yes, it has. Mm-hmm.

Day after Thanksgiving.

I remember because I came in under budget on all of my Christmas gifts, and you know how that gets me going. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I made that joke about your clothes being half off.

And yet we still did it, 'cause that's the kind of people we used to be.

What happened? Nothing happened. We're busy.

It was the holidays. Dede was here.

You know, she has a way of-Mmm.

Shutting that whole thing down.

But is this who we are now?

I mean, first it's a month, then it's a year, then we're sleeping in twin beds and you're calling me "Mother."

And I can't even bear it, 'cause we're just like my grandp-

[ Muffled ]

Let's go find that hot spring... and start this new year off with-

[ Whispering ] sex in a hot spring. Mmm.

All right, all right. Where-Where should we try next?

Am I yelling? I'm yelling. Yes.

Yeah. Maybe we should just go get some frozen yogurt... and call it a night. No, Cam, come on.

We can't have another New Year's... where we don't even make it to midnight. I-

This entire holiday is just a giant reminder of how the clock is ticking.

You know, each passing second is just bringing us that much closer to death.

All this because I suggested some FroYo?

I'm-I'm sick of feeling old.

I-I really need this.


Let's get you to midnight.

'Kay. [ Laughs ]

Oh. Look, he's our age. Wherever he's going, I'm sure we'll fit right in.

Okay. ♪♪ [Rock]

Okay, no judgment. Perfectly acceptable lifestyle.

Just not for us. [ High-pitched Voice ] No!

Okay, but we are not giving up, all right? We're like Goldilocks.

The first bar was too young, the second was- whatever that was, and the third will be just right.

Mitchell. Three bears.

I mean-right?

Here. This one.

[ Piano: Lounge ]

You wanted to feel young.

And I do.

I'm sorry. I push people away.

I feel myself do it, but I can't stop.

It's hard to like someone when you don't like yourself.

You're right. You have so many good qualities.

You're attractive, you're witty, you're bright.

I just wish you could see yourself through my eyes.

Aw. You're such a good friend.

Friend? That's where this is headed?

Well, friendships last longer. Not this one.

I've got enough friends. Happy New Year, Joyce.

[ Scoffs ]

So what's the plan, Haley? I'm going in.

That's our baby brother up there. I'm not ready for all of this.

The girls, the hormones-It's gross. We can't just barge in.

I'm still trying to get the image of Mom and Dad out of my-[ Gasps ]

Oh, God, it's back. I'm coming in!

What are you doing?

Just putting away some laundry.

That's a bra. And a tablecloth. Can't you do this later?

Excuse me. Does your mother know you're here?

Yes. Does she know our parents aren't?


Big pause, no eye contact.

I was so much better at this than you.

You're out. No, she's not.

Yes, she is. It's late, you're 13-

Fourteen. Fourteen, and unless Nicole Bitchie here... wants me to call her parents and tell them she lied-

I better go. Bye, Luke.

Wait. Why does she have to go?

Because I said so. You're not the boss.

Don't talk back to your sister. Ugh! I hate you!

You hate me now, but someday you'll thank me.

I think I owe Mom a huge apology.

Is anyone watching me?

Aces and eights.

Lady sings the blues. Three jacks.

[ Groans ] Sorry, Billy Dee, but where do you go to tattle on Prince Harry when he's naked in Vegas?

Straight to the queen. [ Groans, Laughter ]

Well, that's it. I'm out.

Me too. Oh, hell. It's almost 11:00.

I gotta do my set in the Starlight Room, and I'm missing a pasty.

What's the matter with everybody? It's early yet.

Yeah, I'm having fun for the first time since I got here.


How long has she been there? What are you doing here?

Gloria, everybody ditched me, these guys invited me to play poker, and look who I'm sitting next to.

Uh- She has no idea. Hello. I'm Billy Dee Williams.

Hello. I'm Gloria the wife.

Jay, it's almost midnight, and we forgot to buy my grapes.

Did you try room service? They probably have grapes.

Oh, nothing fresh.

But you can always fish some out of a can of fruit cocktail.

Jay, you know that I need real grapes for my wishes.

It's a Colombian tradition. It's only moderately insane.

I have grapes at my house. No, I don't want you to blow New Year's.

Oh, please. Every night is New Year's for Billy Dee.

I like you, Billy Dee. [ Laughs ]

So at midnight, you eat them and then you make your wishes.

Well, that sounds vaguely familiar.

I might have heard about that when I did that Love Boat with Charo.

You know Charo? He's obsessed with Charo.

[ Laughs ] No kidding.

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God.

A classic Rolls Corniche.

I have been in love with this car my whole life.

In my village, if you didn't drive one of these, you couldn't call yourself a drug lord.


Would you like to drive it?

Does the bear sit in the woods?

Classic Charo. [ Chuckles ]

[ Water Sloshes ] [ Claire ] Mmm?

So, was it worth my meltdown?

It always is. [ Both Laugh ]

[ Chuckles ]

Just you and me, under the desert sky.

I'm Lawrence of Arabia, you're Mrs... of Arabia.

[ Laughs ] [ Chuckles ]

[ Man ] Hey there. [ Claire ] Oh, my God.

Sweet. You're the first ones here. Welcome.

Uh, welcome to what?

To Nude Year's Eve. You saw the flyer?

No. I told them.


So I-Whoa. Nude Year's Eve?

You said Nude Year's Eve. It's clever.

Yeah. We're the Palm Springs Nudist Association.

It's how we celebrate the new year.

I can see. Fresh. Like newborns.

Naked. Yeah. I got that.

We have to get out of here. We have to get out of here.

[ Whispering ] Our clothes are trapped under that pile.

You really wanna stand there naked... sifting through all those drawstring pants?

[ Phil ] Okay. Scooting over. [ Claire ] Just scootch in.

Okay. Scootin'.

Oh. Oh!

Ha. Hey.

Phil, something just touched me, and it's not from your side. Oh!

Who wants champagne? [ Woman ] Oh, I'll have some.

Okay. Oh, my gosh. Okay.

[ Woman ] Oh, sorry. Pardon the reach.


Thank you.

[ Whispering ] We've gotta make a run for it.

Well, now it's just gonna seem rude. Phil!

I love this car so much!

Where you gonna take us next, Billy Dee?

A surprise that's gonna blow your mind.

And just call me Billy. Not doin' it.

[ Laughs ]

And these are from the gentlemen at that table over there.

Oh, free drinks. More free drinks.

Thank you. Thank- They can't hear me.

[ Loudly ] Thank you!

This is what models must feel like. [ Chuckles ]

Excuse me, but has anyone ever told you... you look like a young Van Johnson?

Oh, no. That-That's so sweet though. Thank you.

Mmm. Free pass? Pull up Van Johnson on your phone.

I need to know how I feel about that. He was gorgeous. You're fine.

This is nice, huh? Compliments, free drinks. What could be better?

All right, gentlemen. Almost midnight.

Pucker up.

[Haley] New Year's is so weird, the way it makes you think about time.

[ All ] Ten, nine-

[ Sprays ] Cam.

[ Glasses Clink ] I think that's why... people put so much pressure on themselves to have fun.

[ Nudists ], six, five-

I mean, I guess I sort of get it.

[ Together ] ...four, three, two, one!

[ All Laugh ]

Quick, quick. Make your wishes.

Like right now I wish I could just slow down time, 'cause I am so not ready for him to grow up yet.

[ Alex Chuckles ] I know.

I want him to stay our stupid little brother.

[ Watch Beeps ]

Hey, happy New Year. You too.

Oh, my God. What is in this?

Oh. Sorry. That one's mine. Oh.

[ All Laughing ] And I swear to you, I was so nervous, I think I might have put on somebody else's underwear.

[ Shudders ] I love this story.

Almost as good as yours, Van Johnson.

[ Laughs ] Oh, look. Here comes Jay.

I feel bad he missed all this fun. Oh.

[ Claire ] Hi. Look, they're back. My devoted family.

Everyone, this is our dear friend, Billy Dee Williams. Hey, hey.

[ Whispering ] Oh, my God, it's Lando.

[ Clears Throat ] Excuse me, Mr. Williams, I just have to tell you, I've loved you since I was a little boy.

[ Laughs ] I'm so starstruck right now.

You must be Mitchell.

Jay told me all about you.

[ Mouths Words ]