Modern Family S4E12 Script

Party Crasher (2013)

We're going to Santa Barbara to pick up the bassinet.

Or we can save five hours and go around the corner to Baby Town.

What are you doing all day? Jay!

It's fine, Mom. No, it's not fine. Today's Manny's birthday.

Aw, geez. I'm sorry, kid.

Don't worry. Reuben's family's taking me for a birthday lunch.

You see? Even the Reubens remembered.

We'll be back at 6:00, and we're taking you to a special birthday dinner, okay?

We are? Jay!

I'm sorry, kid.

I wasn't sorry. It was a setup.

We're throwing him a big surprise birthday party.

And he totally fell for it, the little jerk.

I mean, that's the whole point of a surprise party.

You take someone who you really love... and you play him like a fool.

That's not the whole point of all this.

Manny has been feeling a little bit neglected, and I wanted to give him the most special day.

This is the last birthday that it's only going to be the three of us.

I can't wait to see the little dope's face.

[ Clicks Tongue ]

And then that smug Carol Chu was all, "You can't dig without an environment impact study."

And then I was like, "Bam!" And I slapped the study onto Charlie's desk, and Carol was like, "But-But-But"-

And then I was like, "Chew on that!"

You said that? Well, not with my mouth.

With my eyes and my swivel. [ Snaps Fingers ]

So how was your day at work?

Oh, you know, fine.

Okay. Yeah?

I'm an idiot. I know Cam's been struggling since he went back to teaching.

The students, the faculty- none of it's clicking.

The last thing he needed was me going on about my latest work triumph.

And then it got worse.

Come on, Daddy. It's time for our wedding.

What's happening? Oh, Lily and I are gettin' married.

Uh, what's happening?

When she proposed, I thought it was a little weird, but then I read it's a phase that some girls go through, so-

Oh, no. Well, I just think it's the cutest thing ever.

Here, Dad. I made you this ring.

Oh. Oh.

Cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute!

Do you have a ring for me?

Well, Lily, it wouldn't be a wedding without a ring.

Yay! Yay. Loving this! [ Chuckles ]

Daddy, move. Okay. I guess I'll just go sit on the groom's side.

Oh, come on, Cam. It's fun.

Oh, it's fun. It's-It's super fun!

You finally got married! Hooray!

Ow! Oh, are you okay, sweetie?

[ Angrily ] What do you think? [ Grunts ]

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey♪ ♪

This is very rare indeed.

Geekus nerdipithicus in its natural habitat- alone as usual. Mine.

Hey, give it back.

Gloria asked me to record Manny's birthday. Mom!

Alex, give it back to your bro-

Oh, sorry. I tried to care.

Ugh! But this is everything I made at the boutique last week.

I'm not gonna have any money left for me. Should've thought of that... before you got thrown out of school.

You live here, you pay rent. You used to be fun.

You used to be-What? Oh, yeah, at college.

Uh, hang on. Wait.

Gloria says that we are surprising Manny at 6:00 tonight, but she wants us there at 4:00, which means she's expecting us to do the setup.

I say we leave here around 5:00. Great.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

That's Kenny from work. Oh, I'll get it.

We're going to a street fair, so we'll just meet you guys at the party.

Oh. You've been spending a lot of time with this Kenny from work.

Stop it right now. [ Whispers ] Is it gettin' romantic?

N- Yeah-

Well- Yeah-


Mom, this is Kenny. And Dad you already met.

Uh, yeah. First of all, Kenny, sick ponytail.

Uh. Thanks, man. Kenny designs jeans for our boutique.

[ Claire ] Uh-huh. That reminds me, I got something for you.

What are you, a 32, 34? What are you, 36, 38?

What are you, in my mind? Put 'em on your body.

Will do. Will do. Phil, honey-Uh-

Kenny is kind of a big deal.

[ Claire ] Mm-hmm. What does that fashion Web site call you again?

[ Scoffs ] A "jeanius." Spelled like "jeans."

Oh. Mortifying.

And a "rack star." Oh. [ Chuckles ]

And what was the headline again?

Oh, yeah. "He's Denimite."

What an embarrassing week you've been having. Ooh, yeah.

I'm just trying to stay fresh creatively, you know?

Made my bones in men's apparel, and now I'm working with these local boutiques- just trying to get into girls' jeans.

Phil! There's no Phil here.

These jeans just slipped on me so perfectly, my name must be Pantsarella.

Boom! Comfortable, right?

Like a diaper. [ Kenny Chuckles ]

Well, we should get going. Oh, yeah?

Um, but you wanted to say... something.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. Yes. Okay.

Uh, listen.

You made it seem like you had jeans for both of us, and Claire hasn't gotten hers yet, so-

I am so sorry. Don't worry about it.

Here you go.

Enjoy. Kenny, you're amazing.

No, man, you're amazing. Have fun.

[ Laughs ] I love him.

Phil! You think he liked me?

Phil! That is a date. They're going on a date.

What? He's practically my age. Okay. Uh, yeah. Right, right.

And what middle-aged guy would be interested... in a young, attractive, newly legal woman?

Oh, that's right. All of them.

That's not true. I wouldn't.

Really? Hermione Granger?

What? Mm-hmm.

I'm just a Harry Potter fan. Yeah.

Has she blossomed into a lovely young lady? Yes, but-

Luke, I'm never telling you anything!

[ Chattering ]

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God, Jay! Look how beautiful.

Look at this. But the bookstore is empty.

That's why China's kicking our ass.

Thirty-three! Ay, no. Fifty-nine.

We're so late, and we still have to pick up the drinks.

Excuse me. I'm terribly sorry. Excuse me.

Sir? This is my cake right here.

How about I just leave money, I take it?

If I did that for you, I'd have to do it for everyone. Not if you just did it for me.

Thirty-three! Excuse me.

Excuse me. Hmm. We're in a hurry. We have a birthday party.

Why didn't you say something? We don't see many of those around here.

You think you can intimidate me with that attitude?

What do I look like to you? Thirty-four!

Thank you. But the point is that my son is waiting-

Gloria, it's not worth it. We don't need these people. Jay, we need-

Come on. We'll get a better cake.

Are you crazy? How are we gonna-

I've got it covered. Excuse me, miss?

I'm sorry I raised my voice in there, especially in front of the baby.

I know how delicate they can be.

Oh, you're so nice to say that.

But, you know, they're sturdier than you think. Yeah.

In fact, every day I learn these little- Yeah, take care now.

[ Laughs ]

Hey, honey.

Daddy, what's in the bag? [ Door Closes ]

Oh, it's a present for Manny.

And I also got your other daddy a little something...

'cause he's been feeling down today.

How's your eye, sweetie? Oh, it's fine. It's just a scratch.

Let's go this way, honey. Oh, Cam, are you wearing a suit to Manny's birth-

Oh, wow.

[ Cameron ] Okay. Let's get your hospital band off.

I like it. Okay, that can be your "something blue" then.

Cam? ♪♪ [Stereo: "Wedding March"]

Daddy, I wanna drive my car. [ Mitchell ] A car? Oh. A car.

Just a second, sweetie. Okay.

Does anyone know a reason why these two shouldn't be wed?

She is my wife. Okay, so by the power vested in me... by the State of Candy Land- And Utah.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Daddy, I wanna play with my car right now.

Okay. Of course. Yes, sweetie.

But remember, we have to walk down the receiving line. [ Chuckles ]

Oh. Oh, what a turnout.

[ Mitchell ] There she goes.

You got her a car? I can't help it that you skimped on your wedding.

Okay, look, I know what's underneath all this, all right?

Right now, in your life, you're feeling, you know, very-

No. Please do not turn me marrying my daughter into something ugly.

Lily is having the time of her-

[ Crash, Car Horn Blaring ] Ow!

Cam! Oh, please. Do not blame me.

We always knew there was a strong possibility-[ Horn Stops ]

She'd be a terrible driver.

I know we're running late, Claire. We'll be there soon.

Just start setting up. What do you mean, "Surprise, surprise"?

Ay. [ Grunts ] Hang on. I've gotta go. You take care.

What's the matter? Jay, I can't find the parking ticket!

Calm down. Everything's gonna be fine. [ Sighs ]

Good. It's a male attendant. What does that mean?

How would you get out of this situation if I wasn't here?

Mmm! Hey, pal, my housekeeper forgot her ticket.

You're going to need to back up, go up to the third level and find the pay station.

Ay, you can't just let us go?

I know I put it somewhere here, but I cannot find it now.

Pay station, third level.

Maybe you can let us go now, and then next time I do you two times?

The only way you're going to get out is to go back to the pay station.

Actually, there is another way.

[ Gloria ] Ah! You okay?

Let's drive through something else! [ Laughs ]

The gala celebration is only minutes away.

Delectable refreshments, excited classmates.

And what's this? The most beautiful sight of all.

Go away! [ Door Opens ]

He's old. She's young. It's gross.

Honey, nothing's happening. Young people seek out older mentors all the time.

When I was 17, I was really close with my friend Stacy's mom.

Mrs. Robinson was a former cheerleader, so she knew just how to massage my legs after practice.

She had her own homemade Bengay that didn't burn no matter where she rubbed it on me.

If I had the chance to go over there, I never missed an opportunity.

I think maybe you did. [ Door Opens ]

Oh, I forgot the present in the car.

Oh. All right. I'm gonna go take a squirt while you grab it.

Oh, my God. Hey! [ Laughs ]

I know! Just-

It's crazy! [ Kisses ]

Mmm. Mmm.

[ Footsteps Receding ]

[ Door Opens ]

I'm gonna fight him. Phil.

No, Claire, I'm gonna fight him up real nice.

How about you start with a threat? [ Growls ]

Oh, hey, Claire. Um, could you help me with this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

You gotta go around the other side.

I need to keep my eyes on Phil. Ooh, what's happening?

He's about to drop the hammer on Haley's new boyfriend.

He's twice her age, and it's disgusting.

Reminds me of a certain manager at the Cheesecake Factory that you dated.

Oh, Todd. He had a Camaro... and power.

Ugh! He was nasty. You just did it to get a rise out of Dad.

Yeah, well, look how well that worked out.

It didn't bother Dad at all, and then I was stuck with a guy... who smelled like potato skins and said "supposably."

You have to admit, Dad played that pretty brilliantly.

After a few weeks, you got bored with him and then you dumped him.

I did. I dumped him up real nice. Mm-hmm.

[ Whispers ] Phil. Claire-Oh, come on.

Phil, you can't say anything to Kenny.

What? No.

I know why Haley is doing this.

She's doing it to get back at you for being so hard on her.

I did the same thing to my dad. First of all, I'm not your dad.

And do you think I'm just gonna let this happen? Trust me.

The more it bothers you, the longer he stays.

The more we ignore it-

Hey. Up top, Dad.

Yeah! Nailed it.

The sooner Willie Nelson's on the road again.

I'm so conflicted.

What you're saying makes sense up here, but it's not what I wanna do here.

And I just feel so damn comfortable down here. [ Door Opens ]

I forgot to tell you, I put that in the trunk.

Oh, I know. I had to reach under your jeans. Uh-

[ Together ] Ah!

[ Laughing ] I can't believe that! It's so crazy!

It's adorable. Mmm. Mmm.

[ Haley ] Wanna see outside? [ Balloon Pops ]

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

Sweetie, I brought you a cookie. Mmm.

I ate at the emergency room.

You worked that in seamlessly. Oh, come on. It was-It was an accident.

Stop beating yourself up. Hey, let's go mingle.

No. You know what? Some of my students are here, and I'm just-

I'm not in the mood. [ Sighs ] All right.

Cam, we're gonna talk about this. I know what's going on.

You're obviously going through something at school.

You're struggling, and I have just made things worse... by bragging about what a hero I've been at work recently.

And it's-it's not a competition.

You know, my victories are your victories.

Your defeats are my defeats. [ Girl ] Hey, Mr. Tucker!

[ Note ]

[ Tune: "Aura Lee" ] Bow across a cello string Piano keys a-hammerin'

Voices raised in harmony For our dear old Cameron We love you! We love you! You're the best!


Yeah, it's been a nightmare.

And thank you for assuming I'm terrible at my job.

No! Um-

Hey, everybody. Sorry we're late.

We got caught doing a bunch of stuff.

Or not doing a bunch of stuff.

[ Sighs ] Okay. Manny is going to be here soon, so let's go over the plan.

When we hear him coming, we turn off the light.

Then when he comes in and turns it on, we all scream, "Surprise!"

You got a pen? I wanna write this down.

He's coming up the driveway. [ Gasps ] He's here early. Hurry up!

[ Gloria ] Hurry! Hurry! Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Quick. I don't want the neighbors to see us.

You sure we're alone? Yeah. They're not home till 6:00.

Good. Because I want to give you your birthday present.

Actually, I'd like to see your face.

[ Screams ] It's harsh, I know.

I've begged them to put in a dimmer.

No. [ Whimpers ]


Manny, we're so sorry. We didn't mean to-

What? Ruin the greatest moment of my life?

Thanks again, Mom! ¡Ay!

And the surprised becomes the surpriser.

This party had everything.

[ Gloria ] Manny?

Manny, please come out.

Unless you're here to cut a food slot on my door, you can leave now.

[ Sighs ] Nobody's going to make fun of you.

Kids make fun of you if you get a haircut.

I just gave them a full-blown sex scandal.

No. Everybody's so excited to celebrate with you.

[ Groans ] Ay, no.

The baby was ready, but I was not.

It was bad enough that Manny had to share his mother.

I couldn't let him share a birthday too.

You stay in there! I thought you wanted me to come out.

I do! I do! Come out.

We stole you a beautiful birthday-[ Grunts ] cake.

Gloria, tag out. Let me give it a shot.

[ Straining ] Yes, you fix it.

Look, I'm not gonna sugarcoat this, kid. That was rough.

[ Manny ] Go away. But there's an upside.

The best thing about kissing a girl is you get to tell your friends.

The problem is, they never believe you.

But you had witnesses.

[ Chuckles ] We're gonna be talking about this one for years to come.

You've said it, Kenny.

Manny seems to me like a- like a real old soul.

Kenny is amazing at telling the age of a soul.

Aw. Thanks, babe. Oh.

[ Chuckles ]

Age is nothin' but a state of mind, you know? [ Claire ] Yeah.

I'm probably more of a 14-year-old than he is, and-Mm-hmm.

[ Chuckles ] Believe me, I know 14-year-olds.

[ Haley ] He has a 14-year-old daughter. Oh, yeah.

Oh, cool! Oh, honey, you don't have to do that. They have a gardener.

Trust me on this.

I want to, but you're just so wrong about so many things.

Just keep practicing. Okay.

Hey, Cam, I-I'm so sorry that I insulted you earlier.

I thought that there was something going on at work, and obviously I was wrong.

Well, you're wrong again. It is about work. This is a fun game.

I didn't bring it up before because I was embarrassed.

But yesterday was the best day I've had at work yet.

I clicked with the students, the teachers.

I finally felt like I belonged. Oh, I get it.

You couldn't possibly get it. I'm in the middle of my story. I'm sorry.

Every day at 2:30 I call Lily, and we dunk a cookie together.

And yesterday... I forgot.

Forgot my own daughter.

And obviously she resents me for it.

It's why she asked you to marry her, to get back at me.

Okay. Here I-I need to point out that she's five and not a character from Dynasty.

And as much as I try to connect with her, I just keep making it worse.

Maybe you're just trying too hard.

Everybody, come in! Manny's coming-[ Grunts ] down.

Somebody pick up that towel before someone trips.

Daddy! Okay! Daddy's coming! What's wrong with me?

Okay, everybody.

So, we sing, then presents, then cake. That's a Colombian tradition.

And we do not speak of what happened before.

Nobody saw anything.

That's another Colombian tradition.

Here he is, the man of the hour!

[ Together ] Happy [ Groans ]

Gloria, you okay?

No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Ha- Aaah! Aaah!

No way! She peed!

Her water broke. [ Boy Chuckles ]

So far, 14's not my favorite age.

No, it's nothing. Keep singing. Keep singing.

Ha-¡Ay! Stop it!

We're gonna pop on over to the hospital. Pizza's on the way.

You think about it, run a mop over this area.

Ay, Manny! I'm so sorry, okay?

And the birthday video becomes a nature film.

Luke! Come on.

[ Shrieking In Distance ] Oh, my gosh! It's happening!

[ Shrieking Continues ]

Ay, Manny, I am so sorry about today.

I just wanted you to have a happy birthday.

And speaking of birth- [ Grunts ] days-

Don't listen to him. I'm not letting this baby out before midnight.

This is your day. I'm not gonna let you share it every year, okay?

Mom, look.

Yeah, I've felt a little neglected lately.

But I've had you to myself for 14 years.

That makes me a little sad.

Oh, please. If we had actually forgotten his birthday, he'd be out right now kissing a cute brunette.

Things work out.

You know that I love you no matter what?

You're trying to hold another person inside of you to spare my feelings.

Message received.

Mmm. Ooh, that's a strong grip.

Ah, that's-that's-that's-Ooh! Ow.

[ Grunts ]

[ Jay Shrieking In Distance ]

Uh, she's gettin' close.

She's at, like, eight beautiful centimeters.

Hey. I don't think we've met. I'm Kenny.

Hi. I'm disgusted.

[ Laughing ]

Mitchell, she won't even look at me.

Well, she can't really look at anyone. I know.

Oh! Look who's back... again.

What happened this time? He threw me in the pool.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, no. No, that's not what happened.

[ Laughing ] It kind of is.

[ Stammers ] Luke, come on. We don't need to relive it.

[ Camera Beeps ] [Splash On Camera]

Daddy! Oh, look at this.

I'm coming! Daddy's coming! What's wrong with me? Mitchell.

When she fell in the pool, she screamed for Daddy.

She calls you "Dad." She calls me "Daddy."

She got scared, and she called out for me. See?

I guess Daddy was worrying about nothing.

But, you know, I can be silly sometimes.

[ Chuckles ] You're always silly.

No, you're silly. No, you're always silly.

No, you're always silly. [ Thud ]

My God. What's wrong with me?

The contractions are coming a little bit closer.

I think we have to call for a nurse. No, no, no, Jay!

No, please-I'm sorry. For what?

[ Sighs ] I don't know yet. But I know that babies make mothers crazy, and I'm going to be making mistakes, and then I'm going to be blaming you.

Please don't leave me. You're a little emotional right now.

But it's been so long for me... and a hundred years for you.

Are we still going to be good at this?

It's gonna be an adventure, but that's what you and I do best.

Look at today.

I can't ever remember having more fun with you.

I'm so lucky.

[ Crying ] Now get out.

But I thought you wanted me to- No, not you.

[ Screeching ] Get out!

[ Murmuring ] [ Giggles ]

[ Haley, Kenny Laugh ]

Hey. We should go. Oh, right.

Um, hey, guys. [ Clears Throat ]

So Kenny and I were thinking about going to this restaurant.

Oh, sure. I don't have a problem with that. Do you, Phil?

[ Groans ] No. In fact, it has been such a pleasure... getting to know Kenny, it's our treat.

[ Gasps ] Are you kidding? No!

Give 'em your credit card, Phil.

Also, uh, this restaurant is pretty far away, so we might be out late.

Well, sweetheart, you are only young once. [ Chuckles ]

Well, might even make sense to just stay in a hotel.

Okay. Put it on the plastic.

[ Elevator Bell Dings ] Great!

[ Kenny Chuckles ] Okay. See you tomorrow!

[ Claire ] Bye-bye. [ Cell Phone Beeps ]

Ugh. It's my ex-wife-not the good one. [ Elevator Bell Dings ]

[ Kenny ] What do you want?

Nice game of chicken, Claire. She's gone!

She's coming back. I am almost positive.

Almost? Mm-hmm!

Why do I listen to you? Why?

You were wrong about the iPod being a failure.

You were wrong about tomato being a vegetable.

I don't even want to talk about your favorite planet-Pluto! [ Elevator Bell Dings ]

And unless she was lying to the good ladies of The View, it's "De-mi," not "Dem-i"!

[ Elevator Bell Dings ] You were going to let me go with him?

Isn't that what you wanted, honey?

[ Sighs ] What's the matter with you?

You've been acting so weird ever since I left college.

For the record, you didn't leave college. You were asked to leave.

Oh, which you guys never let me forget, especially Dad.

Honey, your father-

Oh, you don't have to tell me what he thinks, okay?

I'm a huge disappointment to him. I see it on his face every day.

He acts as if he doesn't even want me around. [ Elevator Bell Dings ]

Give me the ticket for the car. Phil-

I'm going after her! This chicken game may work for your dad, but it doesn't for me.

That's my little girl. I need her to know... that no guy on earth is good enough for her, let alone some slimy, middle-aged jeans salesman!

What's this? Just enjoy it.

There's all kinds of milestones in life, the kind you expect to live through- first kiss, birthdays, graduations.

If you're lucky, a wedding or two.

Or even a new addition to the family.

Then there's the kind you never dreamed you'd get to live through again.

[ Chattering ] So adorable.

[ Mitchell ] So sweet.

[ Phil ] Oh, my goodness. Oh.

[ Chattering Continues ]

And that's the best kind of all.

[ Baby Fusses ]

Why am I spoiling it for you?

You'll see for yourself.

Oh, was it difficult? Sí.

It was the most painful 20 minutes of my life.

Mmm. Oh, well, look at that.

You're skinny again. Yeah.


So wait. He-He's my uncle?

No. He's your half brother-in-law.

He's our uncle. Half uncle or full uncle?

What's a "fuluncle"? Okay. So don't feel like you gotta stick around.

Okay. We'll see you tomorrow then. Okay, we'll be back tomorrow.

[ Alex ] Bye, Uncle. Congrats.

[ Phil ] He's adorable.

Is he?

I don't like this one bit.

We'll talk.

[ Chuckling ]