Modern Family S4E17 Script

Best Men (2013)

[ Yawns ] I know you're tired, but just think how good you're gonna feel tomorrow... when you wake up and we have all-new shelf paper.

I wish I didn't get what you were talking about, but I do. I just do.

[ Phone Ringing ] Who could be calling at this hour?

Oh. It's Sal. Mm-mmm.

[ Beeps ] No. Not answering that.

Whatever earth-shattering drama she's going through can wait.

[ Knocking ] Until she gets here.

Oh, God. I hope we have vodka.

We don't, Mitchell. [ Knocking Continues ]

Sal was our best girlfriend from back in our party days, but over the years, we've kind of gone in different directions.

We chose forward.

[ Doorknob Rattling ] [ Sal ] Why won't this open?

Uh, something's wrong with that door.

Okay, whatever. I have the most amazing news, and I'm super excited.

But I won't be if you don't want me to be. Ready?

I'm getting married! Oh, my gosh! Congratulations!

I know! Who's the guy?

The love of my life. So you finally bagged your boss.

Oh, yes. But it's not him. And I don't work there anymore.

His name is Tony.

I met him three months ago. He's the greatest guy ever.

And seriously, are you guys okay with this?

Of course. Why wouldn't we be?

Well, you know, because I can get married, and you guys... can't.

So? That doesn't mean you shouldn't.

Really? Because I will not go through with it if you don't want me to. Seriously.

Not necessary. What kind of people would we be... if we denied you or anyone the right to marry?

Hashtag "politics." [ Squeals ]

This makes me so happy, because I want you two to be my best men.

[ Gasps ] Yes! Yes! Of course! Of course!

Shh. [ Mouths Words ] [ Gasps ] Okay.

The wedding is gonna be super cute.

Just us, a little dinner after. Oh, and it's next Friday.

Oh! It's next Friday?

Yeah. How will we have time to do best man stuff?

You know, like help you pick out your dress, get your flowers, get our hair blown out?

He's never been a best man before.

Oh, my God. We're getting married!

We're getting married! Let's have a drink.

We're out of vodka. I will see you on Friday.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey♪ ♪

And initial here and here and here.

Ay, my arm is starting to hurt.

Just a couple more. What's going on?

Nothing. I have to get this package.

But there's so much signing.

Get out of here, you perv.

What's the matter with you?

You don't do that in front of strangers. At least throw a blanket over it.

I am not ashamed. Obviously.

They're out all the time. In front of Manny. At the club.

At Claire's dinner the other day, Phil almost ate a candle.

Fine. Next time, I will feed your baby inside a dark closet.

I'm just saying, pick your moments, huh?

Like, let Daliya open the door. That's why we hired her. Daliya?

My mother raised six children while working at a construction job.

She would be so ashamed if I have a nanny.

I don't see a lot of shame from your mom when she's cashing my checks every month.

Hey, Daliya, we gotta go see Manny's teacher.

Would you try to coax a burp out of this one? Come here, little guy.

Can you hold him a little higher?

I will. I'm just letting him get settled in.

Okay, we're going. Bye-bye, Joe.

He likes to bounce a little.

Can you cup your hand... so that he doesn't feel like you're slapping? Okay.

She knows it. Stop micromanaging. Ow.

Cup your hand.

Hello. Hey.

Can one of you guys drive me to my cello thing tonight?

Honey, I wish we'd known. Yeah.

We got a dinner thing with the Flendersons. Mmm.

Okay, you don't have to stay, and those aren't even real people.

Sorry. I panicked.

I get stuck between the Flemings and the Hendersons.

Oh, my God. Are those new boots?

Yes. I love 'em. They're so cute!

They are? Oh, I forgot to tell you-

Danielle Gunston- First one in my class to get pregnant.

You totally called it.

Did you hear that? My money was on Denise Modick.

No. First she complimented my fashion sense, then she told me I did something right.

Phil, I think it's happening.

Raising a kid is like sending a rocket ship to the moon.

You spend the early years in constant contact, and then one day, around the teenage years, they go around the dark side, and they're gone.

All you can do is wait for that faint signal... that says they're coming back.

[ Inhales ] I think Haley is sending me that signal.

[ Clears Throat ]


And Phil gave me that analogy. Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

You know what?

I think I'm gonna ask her out to dinner tonight. Do you think she'll say yes?

If you want, I can pass her a note in study hall.

Hey. What did I do?

Oh, my God. Nothing. I just wanted to know, if you weren't busy, you know, if you wanted to have dinner with me tonight.

Dinner? Just you and me?

I mean, you don't have to. It's cool. Don't worry.

No, sounds fun. Let's do it. Okay.

Let's meet by the front door then. You know, 7:00?

Okay. Yeah.

[ Whispers ] I totally think she likes you! [ Whispers ] I think so too.

First of all, I just want to say what a pleasure it is to have Manny in art class.

He's talented-Can we just skip to what he did wrong?

Who said that he did something wrong? Hit it.

We do have an issue. Told you.

Manny seems to have quite a fascination with the female nude.

So? He's a romantic.

Well, this is all his art work over the last few weeks.

Holy Moly.

There were even more, but I think the janitor took some home.

Look at this. And this.

And these. [ Grunts ]

[ Gasps ]

Look, I'm an artist. I'm free.

I used to have an earring up here.

But some of the other parents have complained. Well, the moms.

He must have learned that at school, because we have filters in the computer, and I have thrown out all of Jay's magazines.

Don't know what she's talking about.

There is no way that Manny has seen this sort of thing at our home.

We'll take it from here.

Hey, buddy. It's just you and me tonight.

Sounds good. I'll be right down. All right.

I knew it! What are you hiding?

Porn. Don't lie to me!

Fine. I'm trying to send a message to a girl on Facebook.

But she's so out of my league. Look at her.

Oh, yeah. She's cute.

I've been sitting here forever and I can't think of anything to say.

You are in luck. If anyone knows the art of wooing the fairer sex, it's this guy.

[ Typing ] "Hey."

Wait! Send.

Why would you type that? Now she knows I'm thinking about her.

[ Chimes ] Smiley face.

Oh, my God. Stop now. We can only screw it up from here.

Please. You're in the hands of the master.

I think I know how to pick up a 14-year-old girl... for you.

"What's the haps tonight?"

Boop. [ Chimes ]

"What's the haps tonight"? Nobody says that.

[ Chimes ] "Going to the mall. Wanna meet?"

"Dinner at Rosa Grill in an hour," question mark.

Boom! [ Chimes ]

Kids don't eat dinner. You don't eat dinner? What do you do?

I don't know. You just walk around and jump off stuff.

You can't invite a girl to jump off stuff.

Well, it's way better than- [ Chimes ]

"See ya then. X.O." You're in, buddy.

[ Gasps ] I gotta get ready. Oh!

All right. Let's go before this wears off.

I think we have a few days.

[ Groans ]

♪ ♪ [Speakers: Jazz] Well, thank you, dimples.

[ Chuckles ] You better get that out of your system, 'cause in two hours, you're gonna be Mrs. Anthony Lombardo.

Shh. [ Chuckles ] So does this Italian of yours cook?

In every room of the house, if you know what I mean! Ooh!

[ Imitates Bed Squeaking ]

We have a lot of sex. Yeah. Got it.

Okay, now let's have a proper toast. All right.

To wild Sal. Ow!

Yeah! Yeah!

You gave it a good run, but like every legendary gunslinger, there comes a time when you need to holster your weapons and ride off into the sunset.

But you took on every man who came to town.

[ Laughs ] I did. I really did!

You sure did.

Also, you know, I'm just getting married. I'm not dying.

No, no. We're just happy you're happy.

And we're excited that we're gonna get to see much more of you now.

Yes. We'll be couple friends. Mm-hmm.

We'll go to movies. Take classes.

Our game nights on Saturday-Huge.

They're epic. Yeah. Do you play Cranium?

Well, if I'm playing board games on a Saturday night, you can shoot me in my cranium.

But I love you! [ All Laugh ]

I need to take a whiz. Oh.

[ Clears Throat ] [ Cameron ] Oh!

I am so happy for her. I think we might have freaked her out though.

No, Mitchell. Come on. You're a smart man, but you are awful at reading people.

Sal's been different this week. That is a woman in love.

[ Glass Shatters ] [ Sal Gasps ]

[ Moaning ] She looks like a woman in love.


Look, nobody's as happy as I am about you loving the ladies.

All I'm saying is you gotta pull back a little.

Okay. Ay, Manny, this is all my fault.

I am too free with my body.

It was okay when you were a little boy, but-Was it?

But now that you're a young man, and your body-[Manny]I didn't hear a word they said.

All I could think about was Daliya.

Every drawing, every poem, every historical novel I wrote was for her.

She was my muse.

Toss in a body that doesn't quit, and I think we got a soul mate.

So there's a lot of other things you can draw. You've got your landscapes.

You've got your bowls of fruit. Trees.

A barn. The ladies with the fruit on the head.

I said fruit. But you didn't say the ladies with the fruit on the head.

I'm trying to get him away from the ladies. Ah, good. Good. Good.

[ Chattering ]

[ Scoffs ] This is so stupid.

What if I spill on her or accidentally brush my boob against her hand?

I mean her hand against my boob.

Dude, stay cool. You got this.

I'm gonna be at the bar the whole time. If you start to panic, just come get me.

Shh. There she is.

[ Nervous Giggle ] What was that?

I don't know. I've never heard it before.

Try not to let that happen again.

Hi, Luke. Pretty good.

I mean, hi, Simone. Uh, this is my dad. Dad, this is Luke.

[ Laughs ] You're funny.

Looking. [ Laughs ] [ Lowered Voice ] Clutch.

What are you still doing here?

[ Exhales ] What the hell got into me?

Besides the bartender's tongue?

Yes. Yes, well, that was a little inappropriate.

But let's not overreact. It's perfectly natural to have a panic attack... before making a big life decision.

What if it's the wrong decision?

What if Tony's not the guy? What if he's the guy?

Or him? He is cute. When did he come in?

Okay. You need to focus, Sal.

You are about to make a sacred, lifelong commitment.

[ Screams ] You are not making this better!

[ Phone Chirps ] Oh, God, it's Tony.

[ Sighs ] I'm supposed to pick him up and drive him to the wedding?

Everybody shut up for a second!

[ Deep Sigh ]

Okay, you know what? I'm gonna marry him.

What's the worst that can happen? I get a divorce.

People do it all the time.

[ Chirps ] Oh, you're suffocating me!

It is not too late. You are not married yet.

[ Sighs ] You're right.

Okay. No, that's good. Get it all out. [ Moaning ]

Here. Let me help you. Okay, Mom?

Mom. Mom. Oh, my God. Mom. I think I got it.

I've been lugging this thing around for 10 years.

Okay. You sure you don't want us to stay... and hear you play? Mmm, that's okay.

Yeah, I agreed to dinner, not tickets to the Electric Light Dorkestra.

Don't be so mean to your sister. No, that's our band's name.

So, you wanna go back to that vegan place?

Ooh. Leather jacket. Can't take the hate.

Haley! Gabby!

What are you doing here? I just stopped in for a bump of coffee... before I meet up with Zoe and those guys at Noodlecat.

Do you wanna go? So what's-What's Noodlecat?

Oh, it's this really cool Asian place... that sells, like, a million different kinds of noodles.

And hopefully, no cat.

Well, that sounds cool. So you don't mind if I go?

Oh, I kind of thought we had plans.

Oh, yeah. You're right. So I can meet you guys there after.

How long are you gonna be there? No, it's fine. It's fine. Go.

I'll stay and watch Alex. Oh, now I feel bad.


Love you! Mwah. Okay.

[ TV: Whistle Blows] [Crowd Cheering]

Excuse me.

You're Luke's dad, aren't you? Mm-hmm.

I'm Valerie, Simone's mom.

Oh. Phil. Hi.

I recognized you from when you hosted the school's talent night.

Oh. You were incredibly limber.

Ah, when you wear the right pants. Please, sit down.

Thank you. Yeah.

So, how is the big date going? I don't know.

Simone was so nervous. When they were chatting on the computer, I had to write everything for her.

That's so funny. I did the same thing for Luke.

So the whole time, we were talking to each other?

Wait, does that make this our date? [ Both Laugh ]

Well, a good father, funny, handsome.

A girl could do a lot worse.

[ Nervous Giggle ]

You know what, Mitchell? Forgive me if my Missouri is showing, but what she is doing is not marriage.

It's a mockery of marriage. It's mockerage. And I'm gonna stop it.

No. No, you're not.

I can't help but think you're infusing the situation... with just a touch of your own frustration.

Why, because we've built a life together for the last 10 years?

Because we're raising a child?

Or because I was the first person to think of doing... an elaborately choreographed dance at our wedding, and now it's been done to death?

If it makes you feel any better, I was never gonna do that.

But... I get it. Well, you know what?

She can't get married if the best man doesn't hand over the wedding ring.

You wouldn't. Yes, I would.

Where is it? Give it to me. Give me the ring. Stop it. Stop.

You have to give me-Well, this is a mystery solved.

[ Singsong ] Thank you!

[ Squeals ] Okay. Let's go do this.


[ Sal ] How hot does Tony look?

On a scale of one to bartender? Reel it in, Cam.

[ Beeps ] I think this is broken.

We're gonna have to find another spot. No, we'll be late for the movie.

You sure you're doing it right? We both know I know how to use a credit card.

I'll put a note on the meter. Let me get a piece of paper. Maybe this is a bad sign.

Maybe I'm not supposed to be in the movie theater.

I'm supposed to be at home with my baby.

Honey, we know that Daliya knows how to take care of Joe.

And what about Manny? He's supposed to run his own bath?

You know, considering what's been going on with him, it might be good for you to give him a little space.

I mean, this was his idea. What was?

That we go out tonight so that we could get some alone time.

Oh, that's sweet.

Uh-oh. What?

We gotta get home. Look. Manny's notebook.

More drawings and a poem- "Ode to Daliya."

So those were not my boobs? They were Daliya's boobs?

Yep. This is not a nude descending a staircase.

This is a nude vacuuming a staircase. [ Gasps ]

Okay, Manny. Joe's asleep. What do you want for dinner?

Actually, already taken care of.

♪ ♪ [Speakers: Jazz Piano]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Chattering ] [ Instruments Tuning ]

You shouldn't play with your food. What are you doing here?

I knew you were upset I left, and I felt bad, so I came back.

You're here out of guilt? I know. I'm growing up.

Oh. Why are you rolling your eyes at me? I'm doing a nice thing.

Because I want you to be here because you want to be here.

Okay, you're being really needy right now.

[ Whispers ] Oh, my God. Are you going through the change?

Stop asking me that every time I express an emotion.

And no, I am not. It's just so damn hot in here.

I'm disappointed. That's all. I-

When you were little, we used to do everything together.

And I thought maybe you were coming back around... and we could be friends again.

I just miss being part of my daughter's life.

[ Boy ] Hey, everybody. Thanks for coming. [ Strumming Guitar ]

[ Scattered Applause, Exclaiming ]

[ Drum Count-off ] [ Pop ]

Oh, whoa I thought this was supposed to be some sort of classical thing. Me too.

[ Harmonizing ] Oh, whoa Oh, whoa

[ Together ] Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh She sings?

I don't even know who that is.

Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh

[ Both Laughing ]

Oh, my God, Phil. You are hilarious.

Yep. That's how I got my wife of 20 years.

[ Chuckles ] Could we get the check, please?

Oh, no, I got this.

Ooh, funny and generous.

If my husband were more like you, maybe I'd still be married.

Well, if my wife were here, she'd want me to be clear that I'm fully committed to her.

You know that, right? What?

I just wanna make sure, because you unbuttoned a button, and I love my wife, so-

You were the one who was flirting and saying we're on a date.

That was a joke, but I'm sorry if I misled you at all.

Thank you. But there was a lot of touching.

I touched your shoulder for a second.

No, it was more of a stroke, like this.

[ Glass Shatters ]

Okay. I'm so sorry for touching your hand with my boob.

I mean, my boob with your hand. Is this your little game?

You cop a feel on a sad divorcée and then pretend I'm the one coming on to you?

How does that feel? Oh. Weird.

You like it? Yeah? No. Uh-uh.

A little bit of that? Yeah. No. Little bit of-No.

You probably like this, don't you? Yeah. No. No.

Oh, stop it. Your daughter's right over there.

My minivan is right outside.

That is not what I meant.

This pizza is delicious.

I like it too. We have so much in common.

Have you seen the back of your menu?

"With silken hair and supple olive skin... and hands that wash the laundry of my kin."

Oh, Manny. You still have 12 lines to go.

Spoiler alert: I love you.

[ Jay ] Okay, back away from the nanny.

Oh, my God. It looks like a Madonna video in here!

Why aren't you at the movies? We need to talk right now.

What have you done to my son? [ Manny ] She didn't do anything.

Why do you have to embarrass me? Embarrass you?

Maybe if you didn't fall in love with everybody you looked at-[ All Shouting ]

Stop this! You're going to wake the baby. [ Shouting Stops ]

Now, Manny and I are having a private discussion. So please, give us a minute.

I'll give you your minute right this minu-Mmm. Gloria. Gloria.

Go ahead, Manny.

I'm not saying we need to do anything right away.

I'm just asking you to wait a few years. You are so sweet.

Whoever ends up with you is the luckiest woman in the world.

That could be you.

No. I am unlucky, because I was born too soon.

And I can't have you wait around. Poets have to live.

Besides, in a few years, you'll feel differently.

You're wrong. I'll feel this way for the rest of my life.

Manny, wait.

Ay, Manny, papito lindo- Leave me alone!

Sorry about that.

Don't be. It's the sweetest offer I've ever gotten.

I am so sorry that I screamed at you.

It was so nice what you told him in there.

[ Door Slams ] [ Joe Crying ]

I take Manny, you take the little one? Okay.

He probably just wants you- She knows what to do, Jay.

[ Whispers ] Come on.

[ Crying Continues ]

Tiramisu. I love his tiramisu.

Marriage is a promise.

It says to the world that you share a love and a commitment to each other... that will only grow deeper as the years go by.

Now, have you two written vows? Yeah, I'll go.

Marriage terrifies me.

Take Mitch and Cam.

I used to think their life looked so boring.

I could never do it. Pay bills? Wash dishes?

Wake up to the same face every day? [ Grunts ]

I felt sorry for them. Where is this headed?

But they're not bored.

It turns out when you're with the right person, you can change shelf paper at 10:00 at night in your pajamas... and not wanna be anywhere else.

That's how much they love each other. [ Voice Breaks ] We sure do.

And when I just saw your face, I remembered-

[ Voice Breaking ] that's how much I love you.

Thanks for being here.

[ Crying ] We wouldn't be anywhere else, Sal.

And do you have anything prepared?

Hit me, baby.

I made out with a stripper last night.

Sorry. I just wanna start this clean.

I made out with a bartender... an hour ago.

You're not just saying that to make me feel better? Back me up. Didn't I?

She totally did. I totally did!

He was hot too. He was very good-looking.


Well. That was different. Who's got the ring?

I do. [ Sobs ] Hand 'em over.

[ Ends ] [ Applause, Cheering ]

That's cool. Thank you guys so much.

Alex, honey! Amazing! Why didn't you tell us? Oh, I don't know.

That was so good. If I didn't know you, I'd be all, like, "That chick is cool." Mm-hmm.

Hey, guys, hi. I'm Alex's mom. You were terrific.

Hey, and I'm her sister.

We're gonna go get some dinner. Do you wanna come with us?

You can bring your friends from the band.

No, thanks. We're actually going out, and I have a ride home, so see you guys later.

Okay. Oh.

Oh, my God. Sorry about that.

Did she just apologize for us? Yep.

But we were just being nice. Sucks, doesn't it?

Luke, I'm sorry Simone's mom dragged her away so fast.

It's okay. I was running out of things to say.

I guess I kind of blew it for you, didn't I? No.

Now that her mom doesn't want her going out with me anymore, Simone wants me more than ever.

I guess she's heading into a rebellious stage.

Best time to get 'em. [ Chuckles ]

Never be afraid to go after a girl who's out of your league.

I did. That's how I got your mom.

Yeah. I always wondered how you pulled that one off. [ Chuckles ]

She was in a rebellious stage too.

Yep, Grandpa wasn't always as crazy about me as he is now.

I'm gonna go pop the champagne and get some glasses.

Yay! I'll help.

[ Singsong ] I'm gonna get Cranium. [ Sal Squeals ]

Hey. [ Clears Throat ] Hey.

Sorry you couldn't come to the wedding. It was "No kids."

It's okay. I'll go to your next one.

[ Laughs ] Wow.

She just means when she's not a kid anymore.

She knows what I mean.

[ Whispers ] I don't like you.

[ Whispers ] I'll get over it.