Modern Family S4E2 Script

Schooled (2012)

[ Chattering ] [ Jay ] I gotta tell you-

If I could just have everybody's attention real quick.

Um, on this wonderful occasion- our daughter leaving tomorrow for college [All] Oh!

If I could get everyone to raise their glass.

As I quote from one of our nation's great fathers-Jefferson.

George Jefferson.

"I never dreamed that one of my own would be going off to a university, but here I stand, a proud black man, knowing that all those hours I put in at the dry cleaner"-

Phil. Not now, Weezy. Where was I?

Quoting that president.

Okay, If she's the future of America, we should start using Chinese money now.

We already are.

My arm is tired. To Haley.

[ All ] To Haley!

And before everyone puts their glasses down, uh, we're also very proud of Lily.

Tomorrow is her first day of kindergarten.

To Lily. [ Gloria ] Oh, Lily.

To Lily. And you'll be impressed to know... that she's gonna be one of the smartest girls there.

Lily, sweetie, what's the square root of 64? Eight.

[ Phil ] Hey! Nice trick.

Hey, Lily, what's the square root of this potato?

Eight. Congratulations. You have a parrot.

[ Mouthing Words ]

We couldn't even get through the toast to Haley before you pulled focus to Lily.

Oh, come on. It's-It's a big day for both of them, huh?

Haley going to college is a miracle.

Lily going to kindergarten is the law.

Well, Haley and Lily aren't the only ones starting school.

My mom and Jay are going to parenting class.

We're doing it for the baby. Not this baby. That baby.

Manny doesn't believe that we know what we're doing.

A couple of new hairs under his arm, and now he thinks he knows more than his own mother.

I know not to embarrass my son as he stands on the threshold of manhood.

I don't know why I have to go to this thing.

In case you've forgotten, I raised two kids.

[ Claire ] Ow! Ow! Ow!

Stop pulling my hair. Stop twisting my nipple.

Shut up. Shut up. Ow!

Why look at me? It was their mother's fault.

I was barely around.

No! O-Ow!

Hey, hey


Haley, this is, like, the third bag of makeup and hair care products.

Dad, if you want me to get good grades, I have to look cute.

Don't say a word. No. No. I agree with that premise.

Thank you. Wait.

Yeah, thank you.

Claire. Mm-hmm?

In Haley's stuff, there's a box of condoms.

Yeah. Um, I-I bought those for her.

What? Why don't you just buy her some fishnet stockings and a nurse's outfit?

Not that that's my thing. That just popped into my head.

Honey, she's an adult, and she's going to college.

I want to be realistic. I don't want her to get caught unprepared.

Twenty-four times? What, are you buying her a four-year supply?

[ Scoffs ] Please, Phil. That would've lasted me and my college boyfriend-

Ah! La, la, la, la, la, la!

[ Sighs ] Okay, we gotta hit the road.

Give your sister a hug good-bye.

Don't dork up our room. Don't slut up your college.


Seriously, though, don't study too hard, okay?

I'm totally going to have fun.

I'm Iceland in the mock U.N.

Mom, we're gonna lose her.

I am doing my best.

Luke, come say good-bye to your sister.

[ Muffled ] I'm right here.

Bye, Haley. Have fun.

Don't drink too much beer and shots of tequila.

Why are you wearing that mask?

Uh, I like it.

He doesn't want you to see him cry.

He's literally masking his emotions. No!

That's so sweet. Come here.

It's not sweet. I'm an evil cyborg.

Half my face was burned off in an industrial accident, and the mask is hiding the servos that control my mouth.

Oh! Oh!

Yes, I am sad Haley is leaving, but I'm gonna be okay, knowing I've done everything I can... to get her set up and prepared and off on the right foot.

Not me.

When we're standing in her dorm room saying good-bye, it's gonna be one of the most emotional moments of my life.

I'm gonna cry harder than the first time I saw AirBud.


Especially when I give her this.

Phil's-osophy. Hmm.

A hardbound collection of all the life lessons I've learned, such as-

"Always look people in the eye, even if they're blind.

Just say, 'I'm looking you in the eye.'"


"If you get pulled over for speeding, tell the policeman your spouse has diarrhea."


[ Children Chattering ]

Look how much fun you're gonna have here, Lily.

So many great toys to play with.

And you're gonna make so many new friends. Oh!

I wish I was in kindergarten again. Oh, not me.

Did I ever tell you about David Anthony? He used to call me "Cam the Ham."

Okay, Lily's day. You're right. You know what? It's gonna be a great day.

I'm just saying, it's difficult to grow up with a name that rhymes with ham.

Hello? Mitch? Witch. Twitch.

[ Whispers ] Bitch.

Elaine Stritch. What?

Not all bullies are straight.

Okay, parents! [ Cameron ] Oh! Okay.

We'll see you at 12:00.

All right. Mmm!

This is when the crying starts. Mmm!

Does it ever stop? Come on, Cam.

Okay. You know what, Lily, sweetie?

I know this is gonna be difficult-Bye!

Okay. That was a knife to the heart.

No, it's-it's a good thing. Come on.

Oh, you know what? She forgot her snack. Oh.

[ Mitchell ] Where'd she-Where'd she go?

Did she go there? Ow! That hurts! Ow! That hurts!

Oh, Lily, honey! Sweetheart, come here. Come here.

If you ever put your hands on my daughter again, I will string you up by your feet, run you up the flagpole... and let the birds peck out your eyes.

You understand?

Mr. Tucker, put that boy down!

He pulled my daughter's hair.

Please apologize to Connor... for using your hands instead of your words.

Sorry, little fella.

I would like to see you in my office. Right.

Now, please. Me too? Oh.

[ Mouthing Words ]

Caw! Caw!

Stop it. Leave him alone.

[ Door Closes ]

Mr. Tucker, what happened out there was unacceptable.

I agree. Is this kindergarten or The Hunger Games?

I'm speaking of your behavior.

We've never had an incident like this, and now we've had one on the first day, before circle time.

What the fudge were you thinking?

Now the boy's parents are coming in, and trust me, they're mad as Hello Kitty.

Oh, you told his parents on us? [ Scoffs ]

That is- That is so not cool.

Well, I'm sure once they hear what their boy did, they will be understanding.

All right. Whoever made our son cry has messed with the wrong moms.

[ Together ] Lesbians.

While often lumped together, gay men and lesbians... have less in common than one might think.

Like in the Venn diagram of sexual identity, you have gay men- And straight men.

Both the same gender.

Then you have gay men- And straight women.

Both attracted to the same gender.

But gay men and lesbians?


Nothing. Yeah.

I am so sorry we have to meet like this, but I'm sure you can understand, as parents, the instinct to protect your child.

Yeah, that's what makes me want to punch you in the neck right now.

Wow. I see where your son gets all of his aggression.

Okay, let's all take a time-out.

That's a good idea. This is getting a little heated. Right?

Yeah, Pam. We don't want another incident like at the lumberyard.

Oh, my God. You guys go to The Lumberyard too?

I didn't know they had a ladies' night.

Not the bar, Sally.

Okay, you know what? He's trying to be nice, and you just called him Sally.

Yeah, you're not being very helpful, Peppermint Patty.

Let's just stick to our actual names. Enough.

I'm gonna give you a little homework assignment.

I want you and your kids to have a family playdate.

Maybe if the four of you can get along, you can set a better example for your children.

I think that's a wonderful idea. Pam?

Fine. Cam?

Fine. We'll host, obviously. "Obviously"?

Well, I assume you have an unfinished woodworking project at your house.

You've got a lot of nerve.

Yeah, and you've got half a canoe in our living room.

I look forward to your frittata.

Oh. Why, are you visiting us in 2008?

[ Woman Chattering ] Yeah.

Thank you.

You have some explaining to do.

I'm so sorry that you had to find out like this, Jay.

[ Chuckling ]

Wow, you two are really far along.

We're, uh-We're still on our first trimester.

Ay, that's nice.

Yeah, we've been trying to get pregnant for ages.

She's Latina. You just gotta look at her funny.

[ English Accent ] Okay! Now that everyone has their doll, let's talk about swaddling.

Now, you want to start by turning one corner of the blanket toward you, like a diamond, and folding the top down, like this.

[ Whispers ] I think they made a mistake at the hospital.

Tough room.

Now we are going to pull the other corner round... and tuck it in nice and snug... like a burrito.

Done! I win.

It's not a race. Darn right. It wasn't even close.

Oh! [ Laughs ]

Okay, it's good, but it's a little tight.

It's a burrito. You don't want the meat to fall out.

Here. And try like this.

And see?

Now your baby can breathe.

I wrapped my son with one hand while driving a stick.

I think I know how to keep a baby safe. [ Scoffs ]

Man, I love being back in the dorms.

It's like I never left.

Throw up a David Copperfield poster, this could be my room.

Honey, Haley and I have to go fill out some paperwork.

Why don't you throw the linens on the bed?

Oh, and move the car before they tow us. Okay.

Oh, my God. What is that shirt?

Pretty sweet, huh? "Haley Dunphy Moving Company."

See? 'Cause we're moving you here and here.

And also... here.

Man, you used to love it when we swung you like that.

I bet we could still do it.

Yeah! Yeah.

Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Don't you dare pick me up! And take that shirt off. What? Why?

It's cute! It's not cute!

Do you see what's happening out there?

People are walking around and judging each other. No, they're not.

Oh, really? You didn't see the way Muffin Top across the hall was looking at me?

People can be cruel. So take it off.

[ Sighs ] Fine.

Oh, my God! Put on a shirt!

I don't know what you want from me!

"You only get one chance at a first impression.

I suggest Julia Child, because it's easy to do."

[ Imitating Julia Child ] Save the giblets.

[ Laughs ]

[ Connor ] Time to go to the beach!

[ Mitchell ] You're gonna go to the beach with the dog?

That dog on the beach. I don't know what I did to deserve this.

I want to show Connor my toys.

Oh, okay. You do that, sweetie.

Hey, Connor, uh, no hair pulling. Thank you for that.

Okay, we have an assortment of spring rolls here.

All vegetarian, of course.

Oh, 'cause I'm a lesbian, I'm automatically a vegetarian?

Well, I saw it on The L Word. I assume they have consultants.

I'm just saying, it's an offensive stereotype.

Okay, Pam, you are a vegetarian.

Oh! Knock it off.

[ Mitchell ] Worked out. [ Chuckles ]

Yeah. So glad that we are doing this.

Yeah. Yeah, me too. Yeah.

I mean, we're the only gay parents in the class.

Yeah, we should be supporting one another.

I mean, we have so much in common. Exactly.

So... tell us about yourselves.

I'm an environmental lawyer. Uh, and I'm a homemaker.


And- And what do you do?

I'm a financial consultant.

I'm a contractor. Hmm.

You thought I was a P.E. teacher?

I figured. Hey, I have a question. Real quick:

How do you guys get the car seat on the motorcycle?

Uh, you know, Connor is having a birthday next week.

Maybe Lily would like to come. Oh, she would love that.

Oh, great. Are you guys having a clown?

Oh, God, no. I hate clowns. They're so creepy.

Maybe you just don't like 'em 'cause they wear makeup. [ Pops Lips ]

You know what? I'm out.

Okay. Connor, we're leaving!

You don't understand. Cam used to be a clown.

"Used to be"? Once a clown, always a clown.

God! Not now! Not now! Stop it!

Connor, let's go! Pam.

What? Why is this door locked?

Here. Let me, please.

Lily, open this door right now.

Okay. I'm not hearing anything.

I'm sure they're fine. Oh, how are you sure?

Connor! Lily!

Connor! [ High-pitched Voice ] Lily!

Make the water comfortably warm-

90 to 100 degrees max.

And never leave the tub unsupervised.

[ Sputters, Snickers ]

[ Mock Coughing ]

Is there something you two want to share with the class?

No. It's dirty.

Excuse me. We're trying to learn here.

Don't worry so much. Babies are tougher than you think.

When I was five years old, my babysitter was a goat.

What? Ay, please. You know about Lupe.

Never said she was a goat.

You know, it's great that we have a couple of experienced parents in the class.

Perhaps you can share some of your wisdom with the rest of us.

Absolutely. It's not rocket science.

It's babies. They're hungry, you feed 'em.

They're teething, you give 'em some scotch. Scotch?

[ Woman ] Really? [ Murmuring ]


So we left. I didn't need a lecture from Mary Poppins.

And I was suddenly in a mood for a burrito.

[ Chattering ]

[ Boy ] I called you, like, five times already.

I'd like admission to your student body. [ Gasps ]

Oh, my goodness! I am so sorry. I thought you were my wife.

What's going on? He grabbed me and said-

I thought she was my wife. My wife works out a lot.

[ Haley ] Dad? How'd he grab you?

He squeezed my butt. He what?

Phil! I thought it was you!

Believe me, sir, I'm a respected Realtor. This is an innocent mistake.

Honey, turn around and show him your butt. It's-It's uncanny.

Dad! I am very normal. Please do not judge me based on them.

Are those your My Little Pony sheets? What? No!

Oh. I ordered them online.

They must've sent the wrong ones. I'm very sorry.

That's what was in the box. Oh. [ Haley Gasps ]

Okay. Uh, for the record, I am a respected Realtor.

Those are not my condoms. She bought 'em.

Oh, my God. Apparently, that's what people do these days- buy condoms for their kids. Uh-huh.

When I went to college, my parents bought me a bicycle helmet.

That was their idea of safety. Certainly didn't need condoms.

Not if you were wearing a bike helmet around campus, you didn't.

Am I right? Ugh!

Why don't we let you guys finish, and we'll come back later?

Okay. Okay.

Yeah. Yep. Yeah.

Yeah, that sounds good. See you on parents' weekend!

They seem nice. Guys-

I know. I know. Look, we need to reorganize a little.

Your dad will go out and get us some new sheets.

You and I can hang up all the pictures on the walls.

You know what? I think it's best if you guys get going.

But we-we wanted to help you, sweetie. No, I got it.

Wh-What if you wanna move the furniture around?

And we were gonna take you to dinner before we left.

I like the furniture where it is, and I'm not hungry, so-

Okay. Okay.

Um, well, before we leave, I wanted to give you a little present. Oh.

It's actually not a little present.

It's probably the best present you're ever gonna get.

It's a collection of all the things I've learned-

Thanks. Uh-

[ Woman On P.A. ] Attention. Dorm meeting in the common room.

Okay, so-I better go. [ Claire ] I know.

[ Phil ] Okay. [ Mouths Words ]

Okay, come here. That's my girl.

[ Chuckles ] Let me get in there. Okay.

All right. Bye!


"The most amazing things that can happen to a human being... will happen to you... if you just lower your expectations."

Oh, they've got something over the hole.

[ High-pitched Voice ] Lily! Connor!

We can't see anything from outside. The curtains are closed.

Open up, Connor! We'll let you have a hot dog!

What if something happened to them?

What kind of hazards do you keep in there?

Well, let's see. That's where we keep our gun collection, our abandoned refrigerator and our chocolate-covered hypodermic needles.

Why are gay men always so sarcastic? It's my coping mechanism!

Okay, that's it!

Lily, Connor, if you can hear me, back away from the door.

I'm gonna break it down. I'll help you.

[ Lily ] I don't want Connor to go!

[ Connor ] I wanna stay! Oh, thank God. They're alive.

[ Lily ] I love him!

No, you love the idea of him. Now open this door, sweetie.

[ Connor ] Can we really have hot dogs?

Yes, we promise.

[ Pam ] Oh! [ Mitchell ] Come here, sweetheart.

[ Cameron] If you ask me, sometimes we get so hung up on our differences, we forget the one thing we have in common.

When it comes to the safety and well-being of our children, we're all a little bit nuts.

You have dainty little hands, just like your daughter.

You have boots like my dad.

I'm not saying that the goat put me to sleep... or brushed my teeth.

It just stayed outside my bedroom window... and scared all the strangers away.

Well, I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little disappointed. Hey, kid!

Jay, Mom. How was class?

It was great. It was very educating.

And-And now we know everything about the baby, no?

Mm-hmm. Interesting, because your teacher called, and you forgot your sunglasses when you left- three hours early.

Ay, Manny, don't be mad.

I'm not mad. Just disappointed.

I hate this. I prefer when he screams.

Manny, it's no big deal. They weren't telling us anything we didn't already know.

We're going to have a baby. Am I the only one who's terrified?

But why? Why are you so terrified?

What if it doesn't know not to pick up knives or stick its finger in an electric socket?

You were pretty lax, Mom.

I was the one who told you to turn the pot handles towards the stove so I couldn't reach them.

Manny, I didn't worry about those things because you worried for the both of us.

What if this baby doesn't think things through? It's part Jay.

No offense taken.

If the baby's different, we'll be different.

Hey. When you were growing up, you had to be the man of the house and the kid.

Now I'm here. You just have to be the kid.

I'm not gonna let anything happen to the baby, just like I'm not ever gonna let anything happen to you.

Okay? Okay.

That is a load off.

Although, you forgot to pick me up last week after tango class.

We didn't forget. We were just 10 minutes late.

Ten minutes is a long time in a sketchy neighborhood.

Please. It was between a Gymboree and a Pottery Barn.

"Dance until your feet hurt.

Sing until your lungs hurt.

Act until you're William Hurt."

How you doing? Are you okay?

Yeah. No, I'm- I'm-I'm-I'm good. You?

Fine. Yeah.


[ Chattering ]

[ Girl Laughing ]

[Phil] "Take a lesson from parakeets.

If you’re ever feeling lonely, just eat in front of a mirror.

Never be afraid to reach for the stars, because even if you fall, you'll always be wearing a parent-chute. T. M."

[ Cell Phone Rings ] [ Beeps ]

Haley! Hi, honey. You okay?


Where are you guys? Almost home, honey.

Dad, I really like that book. You do?

Sweetheart, is everything okay?

Yeah. I just wanted to say thank you for everhing- you know, today and stuff.

Of course. Of course. Sure.

If-If you need anything at all, you just call us.

I'll probably need some more condoms soon. [Phil] Not funny.

I'm sending you some Care Bear sheets.

Anyway, I should probably get going.

We have orientation at 7:00 a.m.

G-Good luck with that, sweetie.

I love you guys.

We love you too, honey.

So, so much.

Bye. Bye, Haley.

I'll miss you.

"Marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed."


"Older black ladies make the best iced tea."

"Success is one percent inspiration, 98% perspiration... and two percent attention to detail."

"You can tell a lot about a person... from his biography."

"Watch a sunrise at least once a day."

"If you love something, set it free- unless it's a tiger."

"If you're ever in a jam, a crayon scrunched up under your nose makes a good pretend mustache."

"When life gives you lemonade, make lemons.

Life will be all, like, 'What?'"