Modern Family S4E24 Script

Goodnight Gracie (2013)

We got some bad news yesterday.

Phil's mom died.

It wasn't unexpected, he was with her... and she went very peacefully in her sleep.

She and I had a special connection.

We all did. But mostly me.

She said I was just like her.

Was she weirdly competitive too?

The whole family is going down to Florida tomorrow... to be with Phil for the service.

Such a relief.

I can feel how much he needs me right now.

There they are.

Hey, guys. Oh!

Oh, you brought my neck pillow.

I missed you so much.

I'm really sorry, Phil.

I only met your mom once. She sat next to me at Thanksgiving.

And she never said a word about Claire's lumpy gravy. All class.

That was Mom. Mm-hmm.

Phil, I'm so sorry.

Thanks.

Grace was such a kind and whimsical soul.

The different animals she put antlers on for Christmas cards-Inspired.

Not a single one was photoshopped. Not even the alligator?

Cost her the tip of her pinkie, but she had no regrets.

[ Chuckles ] I'm so glad you guys are here.

I hope it wasn't too hard to get away from work.

No. Please. Anything for family.

Anything to get me out of that office.

Oh! It's all boring paperwork and endless meetings.

Honestly, this funeral could not have come at a better time.

Oh, that's sweet. You should put that on the flowers.

[ Door Closes ] Hey, Phil.

Hey, guys. Gloria, you must be so hot in that.

I am in mourning. In Colombia, we take death very seriously.

Where don't they? Can we lose the veil?

Nobody's looking for you, Gloria. Who is Gloria?

I am a wanted woman in Florida.

I used to live there, and when I left, my roommate made our apartment into a house of prostitution, and my name was still on the lease.

Like a traffic ticket. You walk into court, pay a fine, it's done. Quick and easy.

Yes, that was the name of the whorehouse.

Mitchell, can you go with her to court?

She's gonna need some sort of lawyer.

You know, Jay, Mitchell is so burnt out right now.

He is in desperate need of a break.

Bench warrants are a no-brainer. And come on.

Does Gloria really look like the kind of woman who would run a brothel?

I better go with her. Yeah. You should go. Mm-hmm.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey♪ ♪

There they are! [ Chattering ]

Oh, you look beautiful. Hiya, kids. How are you holding on, hmm?

Oh, well, you know. We're getting through it. Huh, Dad?

Ah. I'm doing okay. A little trouble sleeping.

I'm so used to her snoring, I may have to borrow the neighbor's bulldog.

[ All Chuckle ]

So how was the trip, kids? [ Luke ] Awesome.

On the way from the airport, I saw three fireworks stands... and a motorcycle rider wearing no helmet.

It's good to be back in America. [ All Chuckle ]

Morning, Charlotte. This is my family from California.

I can tell. They all look like movie stars.

Ah. Oh, thank you.

It's nuts. I know that woman, but I have no idea from where.

Yeah. This place is full of stories like that.

Good morning, Mr. Dunphy, visitors.

Please, Shelley, call me Frank. No, sir.

That might be the way they do things at Whistling Pines, but we run a tight ship here at Leisure Park.

As per your request, I have reserved... the lakeside promenade this evening for one hour, beginning at 5:00 p.m., for your memorial service.

May I remind you that there's no smoking on the grounds, no glass near the lake, no feeding the ducks.

And I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you.

No feeding the ducks. What are you looking at me for?

[ Snaps Fingers ]

[ Quacking In Distance ]

[ Manny ] I love it here-

Manicured lawns, planned activities, early dinners.

What more does a kid need?

Oh, yeah. And everyone's so polite and considerate.

Nothing like the constant catfights in my circle, where every week, somebody's mad at somebody for God knows who/what, and I'm always thrown into the middle. [ Chuckles ]

You seem tense. You know they have a steam room?

Wanna join me for a shvitz? Please, it's Florida.

If I wanna sweat more, I'll just move my arms. You go have fun.

Hey, you. Are you liking that book?

It's not the worst thing I've picked up at an airport, but close.

[ All Laugh ] What is this, a book club or a Miss America pageant?

[ Laughing ]

We're looking for our next book.

Oh, what are you reading now? Tempted by Her innocent Kiss.

I-I'm sure you don't know it. Oh, please.

Devon Carter was Ashley's first.

She wants their passion to last, but her hopes of true love are crushed... when she finds out their marriage is just another one of Daddy's business deals.

I'm gay. Oh! My grandson is gay.

His name is Daniel Schulman. Uh, do you know him?

Oh! Is he about this tall, dark hair, circumcised?

[ Women Laugh ] [ Woman ] You're terrible.

All right, ladies. All right.

You think we have room at our table for a handsome young man?

Well, let me know when he gets here, and maybe I'll come back.

[ All Laughing ] Terrible little boy.

Don't be nervous, all right?

I'll explain your situation. I'll have you out of here in no time.

Okay, I've heard enough.

The A.C.'s busted, and I'm in this giant black Snuggie.

$500 fine. [ Gavel Raps ]

[ Thuds ]

Keep the change. Keep the watch.

Thirty days in county jail. [ Gavel Raps ]

Ay. What?

Ooh, she's tough. [ Judge ] Next.

Anita Menchaca. Petty theft.

Sí.

Mister, you're a lawyer? Help me, please.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm her lawyer.

No, no, help her, so this will go faster.

She reminds me of my abuela, with her head scarf and her petty theft charges. Okay.

Here, Your Honor. I'm Mitchell Pritchett, attorney to Ms. Manchego.

Menchaca. Uh, yeah.

Are you ready to enter a plea? Absolutely.

I see no reason why this matter should take up any more of the court's valuable time.

Not guilty, Your Honor. Why?

Gonna need a minute. [ Scoffs ]

Look what my dad just gave me.

Please tell me that's not your mom.

No, no. She picked out her own urn.

My dad keeps saying it's a size too small, but she squeezed into it.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

No, this is stuff she left for the kids.

Oh, that is sweet.

Well, uh, should we take a look?

I guess so. Okay.

Wow. There's a note for you.

Really? She must have written it before she died.

Let's hope so. Would you, please?

Yeah.

[ Inhales ] Oh, boy. "Dear Phil, You've always been the most wonderful son, and now I need you to do one last thing for me."

Oh, no! She's gonna ask me to throw her ashes in the pope's face.

"Don't say anything to your father, because he'll just resist, but there's a woman named Annie Fitzsimmons... who lives a few streets over.

We don't know her very well, but I've always admired her, and I think she'd be perfect for your dad.

So before you go home, I want you to fix him up with her."

That is crazy! "I know this sounds crazy, but single men are in short supply here, and a lot of scheming harpies will swoop in... before your father knows what hit him.

I love Frank, but he'll follow anything with a casserole."

I don't believe this.

It's too soon, and my dad's not a cartoon bear.

He's perfectly capable of making intelligent decisions.

Hey, guys? I made cookies.

Oh, good. I thought that was a neighbor.

Hey, kids, your grandma left each of you something.

Cool! Rockports!

It's just the box. [ Luke ] Uh-huh.

[ Alex ] Oh, my God. There's a letter.

I don't know if I'm ready for this.

Although if Grandma wrote it, she must have sensed I was ready.

Because you had such a bond? You felt it too?

Haley, why don't you tell us what yours says?

Well, it's so sweet. It's about how beautiful I am inside and-

[ Laughing ] Score! Jewelry.

Whoa! Check it out. [ Phil ] Well, look at that.

[ Claire Gasps ] Your grandma loved pocket watches.

Oh. She said they made a man look dignified.

Is this chain in case you swallow it?

No, but suddenly I'm glad it's there.

A lighter. Huh. What does the note say?

"This is a lighter."

I don't understand.

How much clearer could she have been?

I wouldn't read too much into it.

Your grandma loved you very much.

She just did a couple of bizarre things towards the end.

Here, Alex, I can help you out with that.

You are getting very sleepy.

A crappy old lighter is not a sucky gift.

Honey, honey. Hey. So you're not gonna do what your mom asked?

Marry off my dad to a complete stranger on the day of her funeral?

I think not. It was her last wish.

When my dad is ready, he gets to pick his own girlfriend.

That's the big upside to your wife dying.

Also, not having to think before you speak.

Yeah.

Your Honor, it all boils down to this:

The motel owes Ms. Menchengo-

Menchaca. Damn it. Every time.

...more in wages than she ever could've taken in soaps and tiny shampoos.

Fine. Case dismissed. [ Gavel Raps ]

Yes! [ Laughs ] ¡Ay!

¡Gracias! ¡Muchas gracias! De nada. De nada.

Muchas gracias. Did you see that?

I won. I can't believe it.

Yeah. It scares me that winning is such a surprise for you.

Next. Matthew Plonsker. Parking violations.

I thought I'd be a little rusty, but apparently not.

[ Whispers ] Oh! Really? Sweet.

Yes! Go make your mistakes with him.

I don't want to go to jail for prostitution.

[ Sighs ]

Like you could afford me.

It seems to me it wasn't only the meter... that was broken that fateful afternoon.

Nay!

It was the entire criminal justice system.

Therefore I submit to you- the only influence my client was under that night... was his love of boating.

Shame!

I just don't get it. Why would she give me a lighter?

Maybe she wants you to burn all your clothes.

Is it possible we didn't have the connection I thought we did?

[ Sighs ] I don't know. You heard Dad.

She was on all that medication towards the end.

People do weird things when they're on drugs.

When Dylan was on Vicodin after his root canal, he bought the complete DVD set of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

[ Siren Wailing ]

[ Siren Stops ] Get going, ladies. The pool's for residents only.

Okay. Sorry. We'll leave. No, we won't. There's nobody here.

Haley! Why can't we use the pool?

Because those are the rules.

Are we gonna have a problem here?

You don't scare me. I've been in real jail.

Oh, you two are pretty smart, aren't you?

No. Only she is.

North. Flowers.

[ Cameron ] Red.

One dot. [ Clears Throat ]

Two bam.

[ Gasps ] I have mahj!

Hee, hee! Again?

Wow, you're really on some streak, Edith.

Luck of the tiles. [ Chuckles ]

Anyone else want some punch?

Yeah. I'll join you.

[ Gasps ] You are very good.

Where'd a farm boy like you learn to play mah-jongg?

[ Chuckles ] Oh, well, one summer, I worked at the Central Missouri B'nai B'rith.

It's the nation's smallest chapter. [ Chuckles ]

[ Lowered Voice ] Listen, Marilyn, I don't mean to stir things up, but I just saw Edith take the winning tile out of her jacket pocket.

[ Ladle Clatters ] I knew it!

Nobody's that good. [ Sighs ]

Do you have any idea how much money I have lost to her in the past year? Gotta be $10, $12.

Listen, I'm as shocked as you are.

It just doesn't seem like Edith.

Yeah, well, goes to show, you think you know someone-

Hey. What happened to all the cookies?

Oh, well-You know, I hate to stir things up-

Excuse me. Yes?

Jay Pritchett. Frank Dunphy's son is married to my daughter.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Aw, he grows on you.

Oh, you're talking about the death. Thank you.

You look very familiar to me. Did you ever live in Ohio?

No. [ Chuckles ] I'm from Pensacola.

And then it hit me. I had done my basic training in Pensacola.

She was my first.

I'll never forget her- Charlotte somebody.

I was 18 and she was 31, and we fell pretty hard for each other.

I always felt bad I never called her when I got back from Vietnam.

Especially because by then I had, you know, learned a few things.

You'll have to forgive me. My memory isn't what it used to be.

Was I your teacher? In a way.

I was in the navy. Jay Pritchett.

Little more up here, little less down here.

I'm sure you're a very nice man, but I-I think you may have mistaken me for someone else.

I was shipping off to Vietnam. You had the ass of a young Ann-Margret.

Yeah, that was me.

So the watch goes in your pocket like so.

And the chain, or fob, attaches to a belt loop, and voilà.

You just said fob and voilà in the same sentence.

Pace yourself.

Grandma looks so happy in this picture.

Yeah. We were pretty hammered.

That was last Fourth of July- Grandma's favorite holiday.

The Plimptons had a barbecue, and Gram and I got a little tipsy on ginger margaritas.

We came home for a catnap... and slept right through the big fireworks show.

First one she ever missed.

Boy, was she mad.

I made it up to her with a little fireworks show of our own later.

Grandpa! A couple of glow sticks and a slingshot in the backyard.

Oh.

Which led to some pretty memorable lovemaking.

Not to change the subject, but I don't really get the gift Grandma left me.

Well, didn't she explain it in the note?

No. The note's four words.

You know it opens, right? It does?

Sure. Look, it's Florida. Everything sticks together.

[ Chuckles ]

This is all so weird.

This thing you dread in the back of your mind suddenly becomes real.

I know.

I feel better having you here though.

Oh, I'm always here for you.

Look at that house. That is a cute house.

I wonder who lives there.

I don't know. Huh.

Claire, what are you doing? I love this house.

I bet you anything I would love whoever lives here. [ Doorbell Rings ]

Wait a minute. That lady from my mom's letter lives here, doesn't she?

Annie Fitzsimmons. Phil, listen to me.

You may have your reasons for not wanting to do this, but your mother was a very wise woman.

She believed that whoever is behind that door... would make your father happy for the rest of his life.

[ Door Opens ]

Yeah. What can I do for you?

She's perfect.

I thought Annie Fitzsimmons lived here.

She does. Annie, honey.

There's people here to see ya.

[ Annie ] Who is it? Who are you?

Yes, Claire, who are we?

Hi. Hi.

Can I help you? We're selling vacuum cleaners.

Wow. That is strange. I know.

Because just this morning, my vacuum cleaner broke.

Huh. That's on me. I shed like a collie.

Let's see what you got.

Yes, Claire, let's see what you got. I didn't bring it.

You didn't bring it? No.

You had it when we left the vacuum cleaner office.

I guess it's fair to say you've made a huge mistake. Mm-hmm.

No. Say it.

I'm sorry to do that. It's part of the training. [ Exhales ]

I've made a huge mistake.

I don't think she's gonna work out.

[ Gate Opens, Closes ]

[ Laughs ] That's mahj again!

Oh! Well, shocker. [ Chuckles ]

That's it. You're cheating. I am not.

Oh, please! You've stashed more tiles than Marilyn has cookies.

Oh! O-Okay. Let's just take a breath.

Who cares about tiles or cookies or whatever Hattie's slipping into her coffee?

[ Gasps ] I knew you were drinking again.

That's how she lost her license. You shut your traps.

Drop dead. Screw you.

Yeah, you too! Ladies.

And you! Ladies.

Stop it! You- Stop it.

You have been friends for 20 years.

What on earth has gotten into you all?

Why does drama keep following me everhere I go?

It just keeps popping up out of nowhere.

Like Crispin's hair plugs. [ Chuckles ]

And so we went to your apartment. It's still embarrassing.

I told you I had never been with a woman.

Ah. And you took me by the hand and you led me into the bedroom.

You were so sweet and beautiful.

I thought I'd gone to heaven.

Jay Pritchett. Yes. Yes!

[ Laughs ] I remember that.

Oh, it was a perfect night. It was!

And the next day I went to Vietnam.

But the memory of our night together kept me going.

Aw. Because I wasn't a boy anymore.

I was a man.

You were so handsome. Ohh! I don't know about that.

Cute, maybe. People talk about my eyes.

But I always regretted not getting in touch with you when I got back, because you had given me something that I cherished... for almost 50 years.

You gave me something too.

I did? You wait right there.

I'm down there for a funeral- such a sad event- and I end up finding something that I thought was lost forever, this beautiful moment that meant so much to both of us, set against the backdrop of fighting Commies.

There's your movie.

I've kept it all these years.

I remember exactly where I was when you gave it to me.

You said, "Wear this"-

No, no. This isn't mine. And I never went to Jefferson High.

Oh. My mistake.

Ah! Here it is.

You said, "Pin this" No, no. N-No. Never got a medal.

And, uh, this is the wrong branch of service.

Of course.

These are the- Never wrote.

Why don't you look through here?

Turns out she sent more men off to war than Lyndon Johnson.

While we're here, you wanna try to sell my dad a vacuum?

Tease me all you want. I am glad that we at least tried.

I know you mean well, but he's gonna be fine on his own.

[ Laughing, Chattering ] [ Frank ] It's true.

Here. Try mine, Frank. Ooh. I bet it's delicious.

If your taste buds are dead. Dead? Real sensitive, Myra.

The woman's not even cold- unlike your eggplant parm.

What is going on?

It's a feeding frenzy. They're all over him.

They're practically measuring the windows for new drapes.

It's disgusting. I must get this recipe, Myra.

Oh, sure. You want the recipe? It's thaw, heat and serve.

My mom was right. They're gonna eat him alive.

Do you think we can break up Annie Fitzsimmons and her boyfriend?

Boyfriend? Oh, you mean Marv?

Oh, that's hilarious. [ Laughs ] No.

Marv's her brother, visiting from Pompano. [ Gasps ]

He's here for the week. Slept with half the women in this place.

She's single? This is fantastic.

Cam, how do you know that?

This place is lousy with gossips.

Next. Gloria Delgado. I'm here.

Conspiring to promote prostitution. How do you plead?

Not guilty, Your Honor. Oh, good. It's you.

Your Majesty, I didn't do anything wrong, but I will say that I am guilty, if I can just pay the fine and go home.

[ Laughs ] No, you won't.

All right, how about this? You plead guilty, and I'll waive the fine... if it will just get us the hell out of here.

No deal. Not guilty. Mitchell, stop.

She hates you, and she's gonna take it out on me.

You're innocent, and I can prove it.

Your Honor, this document here shows... that my client was a resident of California at the time, and these canceled checks prove... that she was legally subletting the apartment in question.

I might be a simple man, but I do know one thing-

[ Southern Accent ] If a dog don't bark-

Okay, I can't listen to him anymore.

Case dismissed. [ Gavel Bangs ]

Court adjourned. [ Squeals ] Gracias, Mitchell!

You're wonderful!

You know what? We got lucky, because I had no ending to that dog thing.

Mmm. If you don't have anything to do next week, maybe you can go with me to Texas.

Hello again. Oh, no. You're alone.

Did you fire that nice girl?

No. She's not a nice girl. She's my wife.

And we don't sell vacuums. Thank God. You'd starve.

[ Chuckles, Stammers ] I'm actually Phil Dunphy.

I'm Frank and Grace Dunphy's son.

Oh, I heard about your mom. I'm-I'm so sorry.

Thank you. I only met her a few times, but she seemed like a lovely woman.

Mmm-But I'm still confused.

Well, this probably won't help, but, um, her last request was for me to fix you up with my dad.

Oh, my. Yeah.

I really wish I sold vacuums.

So, earlier-

We were thrown when your brother answered the door.

We thought he was your boyfriend. [ Sighs ]

I know this whole thing sounds so crazy, but you have to know my mom.

She just loved my dad so much.

And, uh, she didn't want him to be alone.

I don't know what to say. Oh, uh-

Really? This is such a normal request I'm making.

Please, by the way, don't feel pressured at all.

My dad doesn't even know about this.

I-I just-I had to tell you. It's what she wanted.

She was always doing crazy stuff like this-

[ Voice Breaking ] going out of her way to take care of us.

I coughed on the phone once, and she overnighted me soup.

[ Chuckles ]

When I wanted to learn how to ski, she knit me a sweater.

When I wanted to be a marine biologist, she knit me a sweater with a whale on it. [ Laughs ]

I mean, who does that?

That's just the kind of person she is.

Was.

Oh, sweetie.

You're a good son.

She was right. You are very nice.

[ Clarinet: "Amazing Grace" ]

[ Voice Breaking ] It's a beautiful service.

It really makes you think about how you wanna live your life.

I wanna quit my job and get back into the courtroom.

What? Just don't say anything to anyone.

Well, who am I gonna tell?

I can apply for my citizenship as soon as I clear up things in Texas.

Good for you. And Arizona.

[ Ends ] Thank you, Mel. That was beautiful.

[ Frogs Croaking ]

Um, before we say good night, my daughter Alex would like to pay tribute.

[ Whispering ] Thanks, sweetie.

[ Sniffles ]

[ Sighs ]

My grandmother and I had a very special bond.

Seriously? Again?

This may not make sense to everyone, but I'm pretty sure she would've loved it.

[ Lighter Opens ]

[ Whistling ]

[Alex] "This is a lighter.

It belonged to my favorite actor, Paul Newman.

One day, he came into the restaurant where I was waitressing... and accidentally left it behind.

For the first time in my life, I did something I wasn't supposed to and slipped it into my pocket.

One of the customers saw and said, 'Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me. '

That customer turned out to be the love of my life, your grandfather.

So, my Alex, who I love so dearly, who is probably too much like me for her own good, every once in a while, don't be afraid to break the rules.

You never know what can happen."

[ Siren Wailing ]

Hey! No fireworks allowed!

You know what? Arrest me. Mitchell, help her.

I got this. He's quitting his job.

[ Whistling ]

How 'bout this weather? Yep.

Say it's supposed to rain. We need it.

Muriel.

Hey! Are you two packed up and ready to go?

[ Together ] Yep.

Where does the time go? Darned if I know.

Everyone's always in such a hurry. And why?

We're all gonna end up in the same place.

Well, I guess we better mosey.

[ Both Groan ]

[ Both Exhale ]