Modern Family S5E11 Script

And One to Grow On (2014)

Hey, honey. You're just in time for breakfast.

We should probably go light on the food.

Something tells me we're not gonna want to do this on a full stomach.

I can't believe there's such a thing as autopsy camp.

There is no such thing as autopsy camp.

I had to trick Luke 'cause I'm actually taking him to a ballroom dance class.

He's been resisting, but it's in his blood.

I come from a long line of dancing Dunphys- a kick line, actually.

Come on. We don't want to be late... like the guy we're gonna see on the table- Am I right?

Of corpse you are. Mom, can you take me driving?

My test is coming up, and I really need to practice.

Oh, honey, I would... but I've got a big Closets and Blinds Union meeting today.

There is no Closets and Blinds Union.

Driving with Alex is torture.

She drives so slowly, I have to be the only parent... who slams on the imaginary gas.

Hey, I'm not doing anything. I guess I could take her.

Great! I'll go check the tire pressure and the fluid levels.

Fun! Can't wait. Be out in a sec.

Okay, my rate just went up.

All right, but this buys your time and your silence.

Alex can never know how much I hate driving with her.

Mmm, she's in a hurry today.

Oh, that's just step one of her nine-point safety test.

Step two is checking the horn to make sure checking the horn didn't break the horn.

She should never drive.

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey,♪♪

Forget it. You tricked me.

I'm sorry, buddy, but no son of mine's going to high school... without at least knowing how to do a proper box step.

Trust me. Dancers always get the girls.

Remember the great Kevin Bacon from Footloose?

More like Foot Loser. Careful!

All right. No more talking.

We're doing this. Ugh!

You'll thank me someday. it gets better when you find your signature move.

They used to call me King of the Dips!

Why can't we just repurpose some of the stuff from Manny's party last night?

We got half a cake left. The balloons are fine.

It's bad enough that both my sons have to share the same birthday.

At least they deserve their own party.

You think Joe's gonna mind day-old cake?

He can't even eat it. He's got three teeth.

I'll remember that in 20 years when you want cake.

He doesn't even know the party's for him.

He understands more than you think. Right, Andy?

Who, F-Joe here?

He is smart as a whip.

When we play peek-a-boo, half the time he's ahead of me.

Not exactly Clash of the Titans.

Manny, whose coat is that?

Amy Martin left it here last night after my party.

I was getting some pretty strong signals from her.

I think she did it on purpose so she'd have an excuse to come back.

Or because she couldn't get out fast enough.

If she was a cartoon, she'd have left her skin here.

What does that mean?

That Amy is out of his league.

He always does this and ends up getting hurt.

You need to talk to him.

And say what? Tell him to go for girls he stands a chance with.

I overheard him talking to Reuben.

There's some girl that really likes him, but of course Manny's not interested in her.

He's got to go for the head cheerleader.

How do you know that Amy's the head- I overheard that too.

For someone whose favorite words at the movies are "What did he say?"... you overhear pretty good.

Yes, Lily, I-I pinky-promise that we'll be home in time for baby Joe's party.

Mm-hmm. I am. I'm touching it to the phone.

Yeah, and butterfly kisses. Okay. Okay.

Little girls- so excitable.

I was wishing they had a gazebo, and then they did!

Ever since I was a little boy, I have dreamed- dreamed of getting married in a place exactly like this.

So, what date were you looking at?

March 28. That's the anniversary of our first date.

Oh, wait- Um, I'm sorry. Is this price per person?

Yes, excluding alcohol, cake and music.

What's that? The Mennonite package?

I think you'll find our prices are competitive.

Mmm. Well, I'm ready to commit.

Cam, Cam.

I'm sorry. Can-Can we have a moment, please?

Okay. Well, let's hope he's not having any last-minute jitters.

You're not having last-minute jitters, are you?

No. No, but it's a really large deposit... and I want to make sure we're absolutely certain about this place.

Well, I'm certain, and we've looked at every possible venue.

And Pepper was, by far, the least snarky about this one.

That's true. He doesn't throw the word "adequate" around lightly.

Okay, okay. it's this place. Okay.

Stop being so excited. We might be able to get the price down a little bit.

Okay. Okay. Poker face, poker face.

Now work on your poker voice. Poker voice.

So, we do like it. We're just not sure that we love it.

Yeah, we're not sure we love it.

That's a relief. Because someone just called. The room is booked.

What? What? No, no, no!

Wait. Are you playing hardball? Because we're playing hardball!

We love it! Sorry.

A young lady planning a sweet 16 just booked your date.

After that, we don't have another opening for... two months.

No. No, it has to be on our anniversary.

Wait, did Tracy McCoy book this room?

Tracy McCoy's a student of mine. Okay. I may have a plan.

I am not having a wedding/ Hunger Games themed sweet 16 par-

Oh, you're tapping your fingers. You really do have a plan.

Well, somebody smells good.

What perfume is that? Every perfume!

Twenty of the sweatiest, geekiest girls God ever fouled this planet with... and just me dancing with all of them.

During the Charleston, my hair got caught in one of their headgear.

Wow, Charleston on the first day? Last day!

Just because you're a dancer doesn't mean I have to be one too, cha-cha-cha.

Damn it!

I'm never gonna fall for one of your lies again.

Just take me to autopsy camp.

Oh, shoot. Am I gonna get a ticket?

If there's any justice, it'll be a big one, two, three and four.

Damn it!

License and registration, please. Absolutely. There you are.

You know one of your taillights is out?

No, I did not. What a ding-dong.

Wait right here. Will do. We'll be right here.

This is what you get for lying to me.

What choice did I have? You used to be up for anything.

Now, no matter what I suggest, it's no, no, no.

It's called growing up and having your own interests... like the minister's daughter in your precious Footloose.

Wow. Using my own movie against me.

Let's hear it for the boy. Please step out of the car.

Oh, I believe you about the taillight. Out of the car!

Okay. I'm sorry, but I have to place you under arrest.

Wait, what?

A car registered to you has accumulated 18 unpaid parking violations... all on Campus Drive.

Oh, my God. Those are my daughter's tickets.

He's got an answer for everything.

I got to take you down to the station house. You can ride up front with me.

Seriously, can't I just pay you for them now? At the station house, sir.

Can we at least not drive by Middle Earth Comics and Trampoline World?

People look up to me in this town!

No, honey, Luke's fine.

And they won't take a credit card?

No, it's 1 ,600, cash only.

But, honey, it's Sunday. I can only get a few hundred bucks from the A.T.M.

Sir, your time's up. Honey, just use the emergency cash.

Ticktock. B-but, Phil-

Got to go! No, honey- I forgot the hiding place! Phil?

Phil has $1 ,000 hidden in the house... and he's made up a crazy mnemonic device to remember the location... which he changes every month to stay ahead of the bad guys.

What bad guys?

"Loot" rhymes with "coot," which takes us to... this picture of your grandfather.

"Moola" sounds like "coola." Not a word.

Money is in the air-conditioning vent.

This will all be over soon, buddy. Just give me one last smile.

You too.

Mom's already on her way with the money. Don't worry.

Oh, my God! I don't want to go in there.

You're going in here. I don't want to go in here!

Okay. This is where Sophie works.

She's the one in the hat. Copy that.

Tracy works upstairs. We'll meet in the food court in 30 minutes.

Sound like a plan? A plan.

Not sure if it's a finger-drumming plan. Get in there.

Two of my students, Tracy and Sophie, B.F.F.'s... were planning on having a joint sweet 16 together- until they got in a fight over a boy, Rodney.

Now Tracy is planning on having her own party at the Carriage House.

Our venue, our date. So, our solution-

Talk to them, patch things up... so that they have their party together again at the original location.

Friends fighting over a boy- something we know a thing or two about.

Of course, usually it's gay men, not teenage girls... so we will have to adjust our approach just a- Not at all.

I don't know.

Mm-mmm. Uh, may I help you?

Mmm, yeah, uh, Sophie.

Um, I'm looking for something for my niece.

She's been really bummed out lately. Fight with her best friend.

So I'm just- I'm trying to cheer her up. That's so nice.

Yeah. She's always saying to me, "Uncle Mitch, you're so cool. You're so rad.

I'm so glad I talk to you about my problems."

You know, I just- I really get kids that age.

You know, she's- She's almost 16.

I'm almost 16.


Tracy? Tracy McCoy?

Mr. Tucker, hi.

I didn't know you were old enough to have a job.

I didn't have a job until I was 16.

Well, I'm almost 16, so- Crazy!

Yeah. Oh, my gosh, I remember back then.

My friends and I had so much fun.

Well, when we weren't arguing about silly things like parties and-

Okay, that's a lot of mirror-looking, and that's me saying that.

Good, good.

Nice cruising speed.

Oh, look, there's that jogger. Now we're in the lead.

Can we put the brakes on the sarcasm?

They're worn out.

Hey, Mom. Haley, listen to me.

You did not pay a bunch of parking tickets, and now your father is in jail.

And I have to go bail him out, just as soon as I can get my hands... on a giant pile of cash.

Cash- Ash! Oh!

Oh, God.

Oh! That was furry.

You are in so much trouble.

Oh, don't you think I know that? What am I gonna do?

You're going to get what you deserve.

A parking violation is second only to a moving violation... which is grounds for the loss of a driving privilege.

Privilege, not a right.

Oh, my God, shut up. This is why Mom pays me to drive with you.

What? Where do you think she's calling me from?

The Closet and Blinds Union?

Why would closet workers and blind people even have a union together? Think!

Excuse me, waiter.

Could you please tell me about the surf and turf?

Mr. Lobster says, "it's terrible!" While Mr. Cow goes-

"Yeah, I think you should probably just have the pasta."


No, no, no, little man.

That's your dada right there with the drinky.

Over-explaining. Don't feel bad. He's just making sounds.

He may not even know what the "D" word means.

I'm fine. He's one. I've watched him pee into his own face and smile.

Hola, mi amor. I wanted to talk to you.

Uh, what are you doing?

I decided to top Amy's little "forgotten coat" trick... with a romantic gesture of my own.

You see- Yes, about Amy-

I know that I don't know her, but she seems like some of those girls that you have liked... but they haven't always-

You may not know her, but I do.

I went on her Facebook page... and I put one of her favorite things in each of the pockets of her coat.

So when she reaches inside- She'll find a small box of Dutch chocolates.

Sweet, but- Raspberry Rhapsody lip gloss, anyone?

My favorite, but I still wonder-

Hello, Heavenly Soak bath salts.

What next will she find? Only a lily of the valley scented candle.

I love it!

Ay. I wish she had more pockets!

"Bucks" rhymes with "nyuks"- Three Stooges.

Damn it.

"Wampum," "pom-pom"- Cheerleading costume.

Come on. Oh, my God, really?

"Bank," "sank"- novelization of the movie Titanic Then why do we keep that thing?

Oh, Phil, of course!

Of course, because "dough" rhymes with-

I don't care. I don't care.

Hi, buddy.

Hmm? Ah.

Who am I?

Who am I?

Come on.

He's your dad.

That's right. He's your dad.

Hi, Dad. Hi, Dad.

You can do it. Come on. Say "Dad."

Come on.

Come on!


Hey. How'd it go with Sophie?

I did my best, but I don't think she's ready to forgive.

Oh, damn it. I know.

We're screwed. Yeah, thanks a lot, Sophie.

Well, Tracy really was out of line.

Was she? Yeah.

Or was Sophie, per usual, being a big drama queen? Drama queen?

No, Tracy was spreading rumors that Sophie's boyfriend was still into Maya.

They weren't rumors. She heard it directly from someone... who saw Maya and Rodney holding hands at the pier.

Cam, who? Dana!

Yeah, like she could be trusted.

This is Aidan all over again.

Mitchell, it's from Tracy.

"Mr. Tucker, thank you. Talked to Sophie. Party's back on."

Are you kidding me? Oh, my gosh.

You're an evil genius! You are!

You know what? I give Tracy a lot of credit for admitting she was wrong. I do.

Yeah, even though it was Sophie's fault.

No! Hmm?

What? They're still using our venue.

No! Are you kidding me?

This is so frustrating.

Really? Are you sure that's how you feel... or do you need a little more time to think about it?

Sounds like you're trying to make a point there.

Wow, I'm surprised you picked up on that so quick.

Yeah, you're definitely dancing around something. I feel like it's speed-related.

Yeah, we lost the Carriage House... because you, true to form, couldn't make a timely decision.

We were out of the room for two sec-

What is this "true to form" business?

28 Richdale Road. Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?

You hemmed and hawed over our dream house... and now somebody else is eating breakfast in our nook.

I needed the weekend. I never saw myself in a ranch.

And what about Las Vegas, when you couldn't quite commit to the show?

No, no, don't. No, no. No, it's fine.

We'll see 'em next time, just as soon as that tiger un-eats Roy.

I love the sign. I'm not sure.

First, I thought just a little accent of color was all it needed... but now I'm thinking balloons.

Jay, what do you like better? The accent or the balloons?

I've been asking myself that since I met you. ¡Ay.!

Can I just say I want this type of playful banter in my relationship.

Long as you say it someplace else.

Good one.

What are you doing? They're gonna be here any moment.

I've been combing through Manny's yearbook.

I found a few girls he might have a shot with.

Happen to know what Lisa Nagel's like from the neck down?

I didn't tell him what you told me to say. What? Why?

Because he told me what he's going to do when Amy comes here, and it's beautiful.

I think he has a better chance than you think.

He knows how to talk to girls.

He knows how to talk to a girl- you.

I hope you have a recent picture of his heart.

You're gonna need it, putting the pieces back together.

I'll get it!

Hey, Mandrake. Oh.

Ay. Phil. I heard about jail. How are you doing?

It was rough.

Stayed in that cold cell a lot longer than I needed to, thanks to my lovely-

Your system is ridiculous, Phil. Quite simple, actually!

"Cheddah" rhymes with "heada." Where do you rest your heada? On your pilla!

Mmm! Help me out, buddy.

I have no buddy. But- Luke?

I'll get it!

Oh. Would you please just let it go?

I did let it go immediately. You're the one who hesitated, like you do with everything.

Ah. The whole way here.

Dad, before you get mad, I'm-

Oh, we passed "before I get mad" hours ago when I was sitting in solitary for your crime.

It was only solitary because no one else was in there.

You paid Haley to take me driving?

Uh- That's right. Haley told me everything.

You made up a fake union just so you wouldn't have to be with me?

Alex, I am so sorry. Haley, I trusted you.

Good luck trusting anyone in this family, especially Dad.

Usually when I drag you kicking and screaming to something, you thank me afterwards.

This time, I was wrong.

What did he do? He lied me into a dance class.

Luke, I am so sorry.

Haley, you are in so much trouble! So much trouble.

Stop trying to make this her fault.

What kind of parents lie to their kids?

What kind of lesson is that to teach all of us? Yeah, seriously, sometimes-

Hey, neither one of you knows the whole story.

Ah, please. Let me tell them the truth.

Alex, the real reason Mom doesn't want to teach you to drive... is because she doesn't want you getting your license.

What? Think about it.

Mom driving you around is kind of her favorite time with you.

It's the only place where your nose isn't buried in a book... and she can actually talk to you.

Sure, you're getting your license... but she's losing her little girl.

Mom, is that true? Come here.

And the only reason Dad lied to you is-

Should I tell him, Dad?


Dad was a huge nerd in college. Yeah.

He asked Mom out like, 10 times, and she always said no.

Finally, he said, "I'll never bug you again if you do one thing."

Just one. "Dance with me."

Just dance. He spun her around on the floor... and expressed himself with his body in a way he never could with words.

It was beautiful.

Mom finally saw the Dad that we all know and love.

And you wanted to give that to me?

Come here. Oh!

Everybody, come for cake!

We can discuss my punishment later. Yeah.

Did she learn that from us?

That can't be taught. it is a gift.

Yeah, she's still doing it, following me around all moony-eyed.

She just won't get the message.

But on the bright side, Amy's on her way over. We need to talk.

Got to go, Reuben.

What's up? It's about your love life.

Lot of people here, Jay. Consider it an intervention.

Now this whole Amy thing is going nowhere... but it sounds like you have a girl that really likes you.

Now I know it's not everything you want.

Maybe she's a little thick in the middle. I don't know.

But why don't you give her a try?

So you think that's the girl I should go for?

She's obviously crazy about you. What else do you even know about her?

Hi, Manny.

Well, she's six and related to me.

Shall I go on?

Okay, that explains all the outfits she rejected this morning.

The point remains. You could lower your sights a little.

Good, we're still talking about this. Ay. leave him alone.

When Amy comes, she's going to love her coat surprise. Who's Amy?

This girl Jay doesn't think is into me, but she left her coat here.

Why else would a person do that? By that logic, I love Denny's.

Even if she's not into me right away, isn't it possible she could fall for me over time?

No, there's a thing called chemistry.

People know right away. Not necessarily.

I didn't know immediately that I liked you.

Well, maybe not the first minute.

One month. A month? Yikes.

I'm with Manny. Some people can trust their instincts and leap in with both feet.

Others need to take their time.

Okay, what Cam is so subtly implying is that he knew instantly with me... while I, as usual, took my sweet time.

Well, guess what. I knew instantly with you. How about that?

Actually, I didn't. Okay, well, yes, if you count that one disastrous brunch-

Two months. Two months?

Mm-hmm. Yikes!

Well, I'm in the Jay camp. When you meet the right person, bang!

That's what happened with- How long? Uh, six months?

Six months. Yikes.

But you were preg-tically engaged to me by then. Mmm, nice save, Dad.

Wait a minute. I thought you fell in love with him after he danced with you.

And that was six months in.

Why did it take you so long to dance with me, Phil? I don't know, Claire.

You'd think I would've gotten to it by then since we lived together.

I'm sorry. I've been berating you about dragging your feet... and when it comes to us, I'm even more hesitatey than-

No, no, this is great, because that makes our real anniversary... two months later, when we were both sure.

We can still book the Carriage House for our wedding.

Oh, my gosh, are you calling them? Yes.

Yes! Although, I-I am-

Call them. Okay.

So, you were living with this guy the whole time-

Oh. Uh-

Jay! Aw, how cute. He wants cake.

No, no, listen, listen, listen! What's he saying?


Jay! He's saying "Jay"!

Oh. He knows me!

And that "Jay" word, that's harder to say than "Dada."

He's a genius. Come here.

She's here!

This is it, Manny! Go get her, buddy!

Hey, hey, hey. Listen, kid. You might've been right... about some people needing a little more time before they come around.

I mean, look at peanut here. Good luck, Manny.

Thanks, Jay.

So it took you six months, huh, Phil?

I can do six months.

I'll be here!

I'm not loving this. Mm-mmm.

His door is still closed. What is he doing in there?

I think we both know what he's doing in there.

He's been at it for hours. That's how I was at his age.

He's gonna wear himself out. You should talk to him.

I don't want to embarrass him.

So knock first. Maybe you're right.

I don't want him doing it wrong and getting hurt.


I'm coming in!

Hey, man. Buddy!

Dad? Get out of here!

Don't be embarrassed, son. It's perfectly natural!

Get out!