Modern Family S5E14 Script

iSpy (2014)

Okay, gang. Tonight, the Farewell to VHS Festival continues.

It's been mighty cold in here since The Big Chill.

What say we warm our hearts by... St. Elmo's Fire?

Mmm. Yes!

Couple of wine coolers and some '80s Rob Lowe- I can get into that.

I'm still holding out hope I'll have plans tonight.

Great, two for two. Haley?

Oh, so fun, but I'm gonna have to say no.

I have a photography class thing. What kind of a thing?

Oh, you know, just an exhibit, like, to show our photos.

Is it something that we should go to? Claire, we just made plans.

Mom, this is a college class. I'm not in the third grade.

Don't you have nap time there? No.

I have free periods, during which I sometimes nap.

Is it me, or was she just being purposefully vague?

Alex, I want you to go through her stuff and find out about this thing tonight.

Wait, wait. I-I don't feel good about us snooping.

I know. That's why I told Alex to do it.

I think Haley knows more than she's letting on.

Breaks my heart how badly you want to believe that.

We'll see you guys later. Where are you going?

Riding our bikes to Xander's. What are you doing there?

I don't know. Hanging out. Sounds fun. Wear your helmets.

We will. I'm not writing my first novel by blowing through a tube.

I don't like them going over to that kid's house.

Why not? Hmm, Xander's a bad influence.

His older brother is even worse.

Huge stoner, always walking around in his army jacket with his muscles... flipping his hair out of his blue eyes.

He told me I was looking good one time. I mean, come on.

Yeah, we'll keep our eye on that. But for now, Xander.

I don't trust him. Claire, you're a tough one to figure out.

You don't trust bad boys, and yet you married one.

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey,♪♪

My handsome boy. He's so hungry.

All right. Be back in a few.

If Shorty calls, tell him I died, but make sure you really sell it.

It's a funny thing we're doing. How is that funny?

I knew you'd say that. Just don't answer the phone. Bye, buddy.

Whoa. What's all that about?

You mad at me or something? I don't know.

Did you do something to make me mad? Because then I am.

But if you didn't, then I am not.

I didn't do anything. Then I am not mad.

I am mad.

Last night, Jay had a sexy dream about some woman.

Oh, baby.

Oh. Oh, baby.

Oh, baby! Oh-

And I know it wasn't about me...

'cause he knows that I hate when men call me "baby."

And, yes, people are allowed their private thoughts... and I shouldn't be so angry.

But I am Latin... so I get to feel whatever I want.

You want to tell me what I did? Do you want to tell me what you did?

I don't know what I did. Then I don't know what you did.

I'm bored. I'm going.

Don't forget your phone.

Ow. I got a bruise on my arm. I don't know where it came from.

Oh, poor baby

And then I realized. I don't want to work for Charlie anymore.

What I really want to do- I'm sorry. I can't listen to this.

I need to tell you something, but you have to keep it a secret.

Of course. I'm a lawyer.

I've heard murder confessions. Really?

Well, in-in mock trials at law school.

But still, I never told anyone.

Seriously, this is only for you.

You can't even tell Cam. Promise?

Uh, okay. ls everything all right?

Look under the table.

Above the ankle, below the knee, what do you see?

I'm a little nervous about this, but-

Oh! Oh, my gosh! You didn't. I did.

Calf implants. Wow, and you really went for it, didn't you?

No, no, no. They're still swollen.

And that's why you're wearing sweatpants. Okay, I was-

I was afraid you'd just given up. So, whew!

They'll settle.

I'm gonna start casually referencing my new workout plan... and then I'm gonna debut them Memorial Day at Laguna Beach.

I personally don't think that you needed them... but if they make you happy-

They do. Good.

I always wanted to be one of those guys running in tights.

But I was too embarrassed about my legs.

If you'd just gone running- Yep. You're overthinking this, Mitchell.

No joke. You can't tell Cam.

I love him, but he is a giant blabbermouth.

Oh, come on. He's not that bad.

He just- Yeah, no, I can't even sell that.

Jay, to what do I owe the pleasure?

Just here to pick up Manny. No need for a whole thing.

I don't know why I do that to him.

The guy's always so happy to see me.

Eh, I'm not gonna worry about it.

Manny's not here.

He actually went with Luke over to Xander's.

Whoa! Manny didn't tell you where he was going either?

I told you those boys are being cagey.

There's a chance Gloria let me drive over here for nothing as punishment.

I think she snooped on my phone, read some of my e-mails.

That's not cool. E-mails are private.

They were from a friend I loaned money to.

100% your prerogative. A woman.

Oh, no.

Well, I'll tell you what I'd do.

I'd tell my lady, "You got no business being in my business.

Respect your man's boundaries."

Honey, you promised you'd clean the pan if you made brownies.

Well, maybe I forgot to spray it first, and I'm letting it soak, woman.

He only talks like this when you're around.

Well, then, he's done for the day. Oh, okay. Good.

Bye, Dad. See ya, buddy.

I have tracked Luke's cell phone, and he is nowhere near his friend Xander's.

Honey, I love technology as much as the next Wozniak... but are we sure we want to be spying on our kids?

No, and you also shouldn't try to friend us... with fake Facebook profiles, Margot LaCroix.

I was really hoping some of this would go away when you got a job.

How about I just ask him?

Oh, man. I wish you were my dad.

The things I would have done.

Hello? Hey, buddy.

Just making sure you got to Xander's okay.

Yep. All good Really? 'Cause I hear traffic, and Xander lives on a pretty quiet street, right?

Actually we left Xander's, and now we're at Sammy's.

Well, that makes perfect sense.

You have fun. Be safe.

He's lying. Look. His friend Sammy lives here.

He's all the way over on Olympic and 20th.

Olympic and 20th? Yeah.

That's the old salvage yard where kids go to get high.

What? No.

We are going there right now. Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure?

I'm gonna answer, and then I'm gonna walk away.

Deal? Okay.

I'm 420% sure.

Wow, she's bad at math.

Hey, guys. Hi, Daddy.

How was lunch? Oh, it was fine.

Hey, when did salmon become a thing that we put on salad?

2008 in the city, 2011 in the suburbs.

How was Brett? What's the drama du jour?

Nothing. Oh, please. It's never nothing with that one.

His perm, the stalker he pretends to have... nobody will date you when you work at the I. R.S.

I hate it. What was it this time?

No, seriously, nothing.

I guess it is nice to have something other than chicken to throw on there.

Okay, why are you being so evasive? I'm not being evasive. I-

Check out this new tie. Oh, my gosh. You are redirecting me... like we do when Lily asks us a question we don't want to answer... and just throw a doll in her face.

Wait a minute.

Don't be ridiculous. Like I could do that with an adult.

Check out what I got for you.

Oh, good, yes. A garlic press.

I am so tired of my fingers smelli- Yeah.

Oh, my gosh. You did it again. What's that?

Oh, it's got to be good. What?

Tell me. Tell me. No, nothing.

There's nothing to tell! Tell me.

There's nothing to tell! Tell me, tell me, tell me.

Here. Answer me. How does Santa Claus get to all of those houses?

Okay, sweetie, the adults are talking right now. And look what Daddy brought you.

Ooh! Ooh!

Mitchell, when somebody tells me something, I can't wait to get home and tell you.

Don't you feel the same? Of course I do.

But- He made me promise.

Well, you know what? We don't have to share secrets.

We don't. We already share a house, a life, a daughter.

You know what? I don't- I don't know why I care so much.

Okay, all right, okay.

He got calf implants. Oh, my God!

What do they look like? Like he's smuggling two grapefruits.

Which, by the way, were also on my salad.

Okay, this is huge. This is huge! Who all knows?

We have to host a brunch. Don't you dare tell a single person, okay?

He made me promise not to tell anyone, especially you. Especially me?

Oh, please. Everybody knows you're terrible at keeping secrets.

Okay, well, I didn't know that was my reputation.

Maybe that's a secret people have been keeping from me.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Well, you did.

And you know what the sad thing is?

We could be laughing at someone's calf implants right now.


Hey, what are you doing?

I'm just watching you sleep. You look so pretty.

Okay, but don't breathe so loud.

Hey, where are you going?

I can't find a way in.

I can't see anything but I hear them laughing, and you know why kids laugh.

Because their hearts are filled with joy, not suspicion?

We have got to see what is going on in there. Get that drone thing out of the car.

That "thing" is a professional aerial photography tool for real estate use only.

You used it at the beach to film yourself doing sand angels.

For my "Phil Dunphy Will Get You a Heavenly Deal on a Beach House" video.

A professional real estate tool.

That was the consensus.

Hey, Alex. What'd you find out?

Okay, this is a bigger deal than Haley let on.

Only five people in her class were picked to show their photographs... and Haley was one of them.


Are there more than five people in the class?

Yes. That's the first thing I checked.

Wow. Then we really do have to be there.

Call Uncle Mitchell and Grandpa and see if they can join us.

She didn't catch you snooping, did she?

No. She's taking a nap.

She's been taking a lot more naps lately See what you can find out about that. This is so wrong.

Ah, well, desperate times call for desperate-

What is on your head?

It provides glare protection, but apparently not from you.

Let's just do this.

We are airborne. Uh-huh.

Expertly navigating the wires. Mm-hmm.

All right. We have cleared the wall.

Approaching target. There they are.

What are they doing?

They're jumping around on stuff.

Do you see anything suspicious, like, um- like smoke or paraphernalia or nachos?

No, they're filming each other and moving around like zombies.

Honey, they're not getting high. They're making a movie.

Without me! Wait, wait, wait.

Then why would Luke have lied about going to Sammy's, huh?

Honey, look. Oh, God.

Well, he's still our little boy. We gotta get out of here.

He cannot know we were spying on him. Come on. Too late.

It's too late. They're pointing at the drone. What?

We're compromised! Get it out! Get out!

I can't leave the drone. It belongs to the office!

They're still mad at me for writing on the dry-erase board with a permanent marker.

Get in the car. Hang on.

Go, go, go!

What was that thing? Somebody was filming us.

Hey, my dad has one of those.

I know what's going on here.

A movie studio is trying to steal our idea.


I told you guys. Zombie parkour is a million-dollar idea.

I still don't get it. Zombies don't move well. Vampires, maybe.

Plus, there's your title- Vam-parkour.

I don't hear it.

Look at that. Look at that.

That's how I like to be greeted when I come home.

It turns out Manny's hanging with his friends today, so I didn't need to go pick him up.

Ay. I'm so sorry. I forgot to tell you.

But then you don't tell me everything, so I guess it's okay.

You got a lot of nerve. You're the one who went through my e-mails on my phone.

What are you talking about? No, I didn't.

You're not mad at me for something you found on my phone? - No.

All right, then. Great.

No harm, no foul.

I'll see you at dinner. Give me that phone! I want to see what you're hiding!

I'm not hiding anything! I don't even know how to use the damn thing.

Oh, look. I accidentally dialed Alex.

Let me say hi to her. The kid idolizes me. Hi, hon.

Hi, Grandpa.

Real quick, how do I delete e-mails on my phone?

Well, first you have to check your in-box, your trash folder and your sent folder.

People often forget about the sent folder.

Trust me. You get pretty adept at this... when you have to stay one step ahead of your snooping mother.

Give me the phone.

Gotta go. Uh, yeah, sure. l-l-l have nothing on here.

Let me just disconnect from Grandpa, which is not happening right now.

I can see what you're doing, Alex.

Why did you just delete a text from Uncle Mitchell?

I didn't! Shouldn't you be more worried that Haley has a nurse's uniform in her closet?

I can only handle one thing at a time.

Hey, Claire.

Hey, Mitchell. Why would Alex delete a text from you off her phone?

I'm not answering that question.

People's phones are their own business.

What? I got to go.

Give me your phone. No. Why?

Because you're texting someone, and you look very guilty right now.

Or I'm playing Words with Friends with Longinus.

None of those words better be "calf' or "implants."

Oh, my gosh. Here. You know what? Take my phone.

And admit that you don't trust me, your fiancé and co-father of your daughter.

Go ahead.

Push the buttons. I'm good. No, I'm fine.

I trust you.

Hey, guys.

You want some red stuff that reminds you of wine?

Sure. Yep, I do.

So, when's this exhibit open?

I don't know. Maybe the details are on Jay's phone.

But I hope not, because everything is very secret on there.

Don't know if you caught that subtle cue. She's mad at me.

He did something very terrible that he doesn't want me to know about.

"Very terrible"? Until you tell me what it is...

I'm gonna think the worst possible thing.

Like maybe you killed somebody.

But you don't have the stomach for that, do you?

Thank you so much for coming.

I know how busy you all are with work and errands... and snarking about me on your cell phone.

Let it go, Claire. Honestly, Phil, I don't know how you do it.

I don't know how you do it. Compromise and compassion.

Now- She wasn't really asking you.

Here comes Luke. What do we say we were doing today?

When has Luke ever showed any interest in what we do? Okay, but be cool.

If he finds out you were tracking his phone, he'll think we don't trust him.

Ooh. Plus then I could never do it again.

Hey, guys! Wassup?

How was your day? It was fine. You know.

We don't know. How would we know? We just mean, what did you do?

Not like, "What did you do?" More like, "Hey, what'd you do?"

You guys are acting weird.

No, we're not. You are. What did you do today?

We just stayed home. We went shopping.

Online shopping at home for pants. We both needed pants.

I told you he was gonna ask.

Wait a minute. Was that your drone today? Were you spying on us?

I'm sorry. Your mom made me do it.

She thought you were smoking grass.

Grass? Claire. No one says grass.

I never said "grass." it's not that crazy an idea.

We weren't smoking anything. Manny would never.

Thank you, Mom. He's so judgy about those things.

The only reason why I walk that stupid dog is so that I can smoke my cigars in peace.

I can't believe you were spying on us.

You have to stop being so suspicious, Claire. It's okay to trust people.

Some people. Other people, who knows?

You turn your back for one second... and they have a whole 'nother family on the bad side of town.

You are my other family from the bad side of town.

Look, I can't stand this all night. I loaned someone money, Gloria.

I didn't consult you. I knew you'd be pissed. She's just a friend.

"She"? Is this the woman that you've been dreaming about at night... that you've been making the sexy noises and saying, "Baby, baby?"

What the hell are you talking about? No!

Then prove it! Give me the phone!

Honestly, you people- and by that, I mean straight people- are ridiculous!

Everyone's entitled to a little bit of privacy.

Says the guy who forced me to tell him our friend's secret.

Okay, that's different. That was gossip.

And gossip belongs to everyone. Okay.

Just keep your nose out of other people's phones.

You either trust 'em or you don't. Give me that.

No. Give it back. Ha! Yes.

Mitchell! No, but you can have mine, 'cause I have nothing to hide.

I'll take that. Oh, my God.

Mom, no. Please, stop. Mm-mmm.

Here. Here, wait. Let me help you!

It's crazy, right?

Ha-ha. No, I knew it.

"L.O. L. Do you think Brett likes his coffee black or with calf-and-calf?"

Okay, I admit it. I have a problem.

But I only told one person. It was too juicy.

And Crispin said he wouldn't tell anyone.

This is from Longinus. Oh, that lying Crispin.

Give me that. I cannot believe he betrayed my trust.

Now Pepper's chiming in. Jackals, all of 'em.

Oh, that Pepper.

Oh, my G-


Uncle Mitchell was helping you get me a birthday present?

Yeah. I wanted to make you dinner and get you a nice bottle of wine... the one he served at New Year's you said you liked.

Ooh, I did like that wine.

I'm sorry I ruined the surprise. You should be.

What did you think I was doing, anyways? Give me some credit.

Oh. Oh, well, maybe we could just call it even since he typed...

"I'm just surprised she remembered coming to my house that night."

To which you responded, "Bahahahahahaha," with, like, five exclamation points.

Seems fair. Mm-hmm.

Did you find what you were looking for? No.

She's a waitress at the club.

Her boyfriend crashed her car, so I helped her... because we have that fun game where I order salad and she brings me french fries.

But I never dreamt of her.

Last night, I had a nightmare.

Joe got out onto a ledge of a tall building. I couldn't get to him.

I was very upset, and I think I might have cried a little in my sleep... which might have sounded like sex to you, which I don't love.

But that's the baby I was talking about.

Really? That's scary.

Yes! Why in God's name would I need to dream about another woman?

Now that you say it out loud... it does seem kind of crazy.

I'm not proud of this, but the dream wasn't about Joe.

It was about this little baby right here. That's right.

You almost fell off a ledge, and Daddy was so scared.

Oh, my gosh. it's us!

All over the place.

I don't know how I feel about this.

Okay. Okay, now, see- Look how much you gossip.

Haley managed to capture it on film.

And look at you, smiling ear to ear.

You know you love it when I give you the dirt.

Oh, which reminds me, guess who got kicked out of a hotel bar... for making unwanted advances at the waitstaff?

I don't want to know. It's none of my business. Okay.

Jotham. Zaniel. Sal. Just tell me. I don't know.

Good God, look at those lines on my face. When did I get so old?

They're smile lines because you're holding your son who you love... who you had to protect in your dream.

She is a great photographer... even though it's embarrassing that everyone's staring at my six-pack.

She is really good. Oh. Have you seen my photo?

Has Gloria seen this? Gloria seen what?

I think I look good.

Wow. She didn't even see me in there.

No. No.

Oh, my God! What are you guys doing here?

Alex invited us. You? How did you know where this was?

Uh, the flier fell out of your backpack. Liar.

Mom made me. We came to be supportive.

I told you not to come here. This is such a violation.

She just did it to me too. She read my texts.

That's nothing. She totally used a drone to spy on me.

Use of the drone was completely justified.

What is wrong with you? What are you talking about?

All right, knock it off.

You have no idea how hard it is to be a parent... to figure out what's going on with your kid... when all you get is a grunt or a "fine" or a flick of the hair.

It's my job to protect you and make sure you're making good choices.

And if I step over the line every now and again when I'm doing that, tough.

Knowing you're safe is the only thing that lets me sleep at night.

I thought it was the wine.

Congratulations, Haley. For what?

Someone just bought your photo of this beautiful lady. - Ah.

First one sold.

Oh, my gosh!

Someone paid for something that I made. Me!

I am so psyched that we were here for this. Me too.

Ah, now you're glad we're here, huh?

I got to admit. That's a gorgeous picture of you.

I'm in it too, Dad.