Modern Family S5E15 Script

The Feud (2014)

If I take something to help me sleep...

I'll be groggy for the meeting.

But if I don't take anything and I don't sleep, I'll be groggy for the meeting, you know?


I was up for reelection as social chair of our local Realtors group.

The vote was tonight.

I was so nervous, I could barely hear Claire's pep talk.

Why did I beg Mitchell to introduce me to this developer?

You're right. We'll know soon enough.

Gonna go upstairs, see if I can get some sleep. Love you. Mwah.

I hope so too.

Hello? Hey, Gil.

No, no, no. You-You didn't wake me.

Um, so, you hear anything, or-

Hey, Dunphy. Just wrapping up a phone call with this jackass.

I gotta run, Dunphy. I got a late meeting with some jackass.

What's going on- What's going on?

The people have spoken, Dunphy. I'm in.

You're out. Sorry to have to tell you that in private.

Was it even close? No!

I have a mandate. Not the kind you hide from your wife either.

I can't believe it. I'm a one-termer?

That puts me alongside Henry Eustace Tyler and Art Wagner.

Never met Art Wagner.

They took away his Realtor's license after Gategate. Huh.

Okay, enough history, Dun-for. Fork over the hardware.

Gil, as my predecessor told me... respect the office, respect the medallion.

Ooh, shiny. How often do you clean this thing?

Every time I shower. Well, don't worry.

It's gonna get a good buffing tonight... when it's swinging against the back of my wife's head.

Oh, yeah! That is not respecting the medallion!

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey,♪♪

So, after we pick up my allergy medication... you drop Manny and I at the museum.

Why do you even have to go?

Ay. other mothers are going to the field trip too.

Don't worry.

I'm not going to be all over you, trying to suffocate you.

Don't talk like that.

I hate crowded elevators.

Only one thing worse- when they stop and you get trapped.

Actually, there's one thing even worse than that.

It's okay, sir. There's no need to panic.

Getting trapped with him.

I don't even know the guy's name. He belongs to my club.

But for whatever reason, he has the knack for showing up... when I'm at my absolute worst.

Be right back. Mm-hmm.

Here, let me help you.

Maybe we should help someone else. Oh, don't be frightened.

Big step!

Who's next?

I'm sorry. Pepper's getting a what for your wedding?

A D. P.

No. No, a director of photography.

Apparently, he's a big deal. He won a Golden Globe.

No, you win an Oscar. You buy a Golden Globe.

So he can only meet with us this morning.

Is there any way you could pick Lily up from school?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, I can. I'll take her to the park.

That's good. it'll get my mind off this meeting with your friend.

I am so nervous.

I haven't had a sales meeting in forever.

I'm a little rusty. Do you remember when we used to call you "Little Rusty"?

I was eight, and I can still cancel this meeting.

Fine. I gotta go. I gotta- I don't know what I have to do.

What is this?

I'm sweating off weight for my wrestling match. I slept in this.

Does this have anything to do with why we're out of plastic wrap?

It's the bottom layer. And I've got some news for you. it's not keeping me fresh.

Okay. You're gonna be late. You gotta get undressed in the backseat.

Ooh, got any pointers for him?

Do you girls have to move that now? I've been lonely.

Having a mirror in my room will be like having company.

Ugh, your daughter's a parakeet.

Careful. Stop saying that. I think I know what I'm-

Oh, one second.

Oh! Hello?

Oh, hey. No, this is a good time.

Haley! All right. Geez!

No, I just gotta help my sister out with something. Okay. Bye.

Okay, let's just put this down for a second. Okay.

Uh-oh. I don't think this is gonna fit. You'll have to get a smaller mirror.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Haley, you'll still be the same size in it.


Oh, my God! We're trapped!

It's not such a huge disaster. You'll just be a little late for school.

Make up your mind! Which is it?

Oh, my God.

I'm missing a text. Just got real, didn't it?

Who sent you?

Come on. We have to go. We can't be late.

I am so excited. Aren't you? Oh, no.

What? What's happening? How are you ruining this?

There's a report of lice in Lily's class. Ugh.

It's probably from Portia.

You know, she is always so filthy.

They had to kick her out of Swim Buddies because she left a ring around the pool.

We should probably cancel our meeting and pick Lily up ourselves, huh?

Probably? We have to!

We can't risk infecting Claire... just so we can keep a meeting with the top wedding photographer in the state.

No. No.

I am calling her.

Yeah, it's the right thing to do... even though it's like a one percent chance... of her actually catching anything... and a hundred percent chance of us freaking her out.

Well, now, wait. Are we being selfish here, Cam?

Maybe. Go on.

If we alarm her just so that we can have a clear conscience... doesn't that make us-

Monsters. Monsters.

Wouldn't we be doing her a favor by not telling her... and sparing her all that worry?

Second huge favor of the day, after you got her a meeting with your client.

Mmm. I'm- I'm starting to feel bad about this.

Because we're doing so many favors, Claire will never be able to pay us back?

Thank you. Nope, she does not need the stress, Cam.

Yep. That's it. No more favors for Claire.


Look at us! Two blondes, having fun!


Hey, buddy!

My match is coming up. Got any final dad-vice?

Starting to sound natural, right?

Yeah. You know what?

Just get out there and enjoy yourself.

You showed real character trying a new sport.

No matter what happens, I couldn't be prouder.

Thanks, Dad. You bet.

Go get 'em!

That maybe the bestpart about being a parent.

Whatever's going on in your personal life, when your kid's happy, you're happy.

A happy kid is like an antidepressant, but a natural one... not the kind your husband has to find in your jewelry drawer.

Enough said about that!

Hey, Gil. Oh, whoops! I'm sorry, man.

I hope I didn't blind ya. Although you might not want to see what's next.

Our kids are wrestling each other. Are you kidding?

Nope! There's my little bra-snapper right there.

He's a beast, man.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I get it. This is when you try to intimidate me.

No. No. Hey, good luck.

Hey, did you ever hear about those illegal baby-fighting rings... they got south of the border?

That's not a real thing. Yeah, wife and I brought him down there.

Won a whole carload of chickens.

See you out there, man.

That- That never happened! Hey!

Watch yourself! Watch yourself! Wish me luck.

No need. You worked hard. I just want you to have fun. Thanks, Dad.

Also, I'd like to revise what I said to you in the car about biting.

Manny, they have everything here.

The Rain Forest Experience, the Hurricane Booth, Discovering the Body.

We have that one in Colombia too, but- but a different kind.

Oh, no.

What? You don't hear that?

it's my new shoes. They're squeaking.

Then walk softer.

Oh, great.

It sounds like the floor's made of cat toys. I'm screwed.

Why? Why?

Because these kids make fun of everything.

Hand them this, it'll stick with me forever.

That's what happened to Mumbles.

Hey, Manny, come with us.

Let's go, Mumbles. One time!

Let's go. Just go on without me. I'm just gonna stand here.

What, forever?

What happened to him?

He didn't use to be that self-conscious before high school.

He used to go around in his poncho, play the pan flute.

Ay. I miss my little old Manny.

Manny, you care too much about what other people think.

I know that some of the mothers here want to make fun of me... because of my accent and my bouncy bosom.

But they don't. You know why? Because I don't care.

Because I walk with confidence. And so can you. Let's go.

This place sucks so bad.

Sure does, Giggles. One time!

Okay, she's not leaving.

You gotta lure her away from the staircase.

She'll trust you. You're kind of dressed like an animal trainer.

Why do you keep calling it a "she"?

Because "hes" don't look at me like that.

My God, is she gonna sleep all day long?

That coming from you? The possum's actually laughing.

And, besides, it's obviously not sleeping.

What else would she be doing? Playing.

Playing... what? Oh, my God!

Playing possum, the one thing that absolutely everyone knows possums do.

Ha-ha! I got you! I was playing possum on you by pretending-

No, no, no, no. Don't even.

No, my God. Mom's not even here until 5:00.

And you ate our only PowerBar. That's probably what attracted it.

We gotta throw something at it. Fine.

Are you crazy?

Mr. Perlowe will be right with you.

Thank you. Thank you.

I was so nervous before, but I think I've really got this.

Oh, no! What?

What's happening? How are you ruining this?

Why does everybody say that?

The director of photography we met with this morning, he's turning us down.

Why? Um- Oh, "creative differences."

He suggested one of us wear a hidden camera in our boutonniere.

He called it "Groom with a View."

Somebody got it into his head to call it the "Cam-Cam."

Then there was a lot of foot-stomping and cane-snapping and monocle-smashing.

Who was your wedding photographer? Mr. Peanut?

It's a director of- Sorry I'm late.

Jim Perlowe, this is my sister, Claire Dunphy.

Hi. A pleasure to meet you.

Listen, I went by the construction site this morning... and those condos are gonna be fantastic... assuming, of course, you get the right closets and blinds.

Appears the meeting has already started, so, okay. Yes, it has!

Bye-bye, Mitchell!

Shall we?

Yes, absolutely! So.

Hey, sleepy!

Long nap today. Claire must've really worn you out at the park, huh?

Yeah. Do you want to lie down with me, Daddy?

Oh, honey, the day I answer no to that question... is today.

Where are you going? I gotta call Daddy.

You should know that it's not just our low prices that set us apart.

It's our level of experience.

You know, I have seen it before.

A new guy walks in to an irregular-shaped space, and he's just like...

"Ugh! Where do we even start?"

You start with measurements, maybe.

Hey, Cam, what's up?

Well, it's official. Someone has lice.

Daddy, hug me! Oh, oh!

I would, but remember, the carpet's hot lava! Yeah, hot lava!

Oh, my God. Are you sure?

I think so. Her head sounds like Pop Rocks.

You have to warn Claire.

Daddy, this game is mean.

Well, you know what, sweetie? Uh-huh. Yep. Hey.

All right. No. Just stay calm.

Um, first of all, if there's anything that you need from me, anything at all...

I will be living at the Embassy Suites.

Secondly, there's- there's no guarantee that she has it.

I mean, I'm with her right now. I think I'd know.

Yeah, I think I know.

So, as you can see, all of them are modules... so they can be customized for each unit-

Mitchell! Hey!

Hi! Claire, I need to talk to you.

Yeah, right when we're done. Just after the meeting.

It's kind of important.

I love- Actually, I gotta take this call. Excuse me.

Okay. What is going on with you?

You know how you've been scratching your head? Is it that noticeable?

I have some kind of nervous tic.

Yeah, there might be one of those in there too.

Um, so Lily brought home lice from school.

What? Yeah.

And I would've told you, but Cam thought that maybe-

You let me walk around with insects gnawing on my skull, and you said nothing?

Yeah, but, Claire- Come here, Little Rusty.

Listen, you just- What kind of monster... puts their self-interest ahead of telling another human being... that they are going to get a parasite infestation?

I feel you would've done the same thing. Never.

No, Claire, stop it!

I got to get off to another meeting.

But, Claire, let's just cut to the chase. Uh-huh?

You got my business. Oh, super!

Oh, I think we're way past handshakes, huh?

Manny, stop disrespecting your ancestors.

It took them six and a half million years to walk upright.

Didn't you hear the tour guy?

"Duh." No, don't give me that attitude.

No, I- Why is your face red?


Ay. it must be my allergy medication. I must be overreacting to it.

Um, I'll get you some water. There's a fountain right over there.

Manny, where have you been all day?

I was in the Bird Wing. Hilarious they call it that, no?

Where's your mom?

She was just there. I think she's hiding.

She probably saw she and I were wearing the same outfit... and didn't want to get outdone, as usual.

Uh, yeah, maybe.

But the important thing is that I have fun out there, right?

Let's go over this again, 'cause I feel like you're not listening.

I need you to win.

Whoa, whoa! Hey, Jay.

Hey, Luke. Don't let your dad get in your head.

Get out there and do your best. All right.

What the hell was that?

He's wrestling Gil Thorpe's kid. I hate that guy.

Always trying to make me feel like less of a man.

The guy that took your necklace, right? My medallion!

Call it what you want. I'm just glad I don't have to help you with the clasp again.

Jay, you crying? No!

Referee sprayed some disinfectant on the mats. I got some in my eye.

You got a tissue? Here you go.

Keep it. it's my wife's.

Hey, Dad! Hey, Son.

Good to see you.

Uh, the match is about to start. Yeah?

Which means it's about to finish.

You see that little petunia he's wrestling?


You know Gil's dad?

I know he always sees me at my worst.

I really want this win, Phil.

I can taste it, like metal. Me too. Metal.

I don't know what it is with this guy... but no matter what I do, I just can't win with him.

That's the way I am with his son. And Time Warner Cable.

It's emasculating, you know?

It's not a feeling a man should have.

You know what the beginning of "love" is?

For God's sake. We're just talking here.

Why do you always have to make everything bigger than it is?


Hey, Phil, listen.

Does your pharmacy carry lice shampoo? Lily got it at school.

Ooh, away, scary robot! Away!

I can't breathe. Good. Neither can your hair pets.

What? Nothing.

Lily got lice from someone. Portia.

Who else? You know what?

Skip the pharmacy. Just borrow our lice kit.

It's in the basement. The key's under the mat.

Thank you, Phil. Thanks. All right.

Enough... with scary robot!

But who wants to pretend to be a dog and ride in the car? - I do!

Okay. Meet you at the door. And remember, we're gonna keep our head outside the window.

Fun! Yeah, fun. Uh-huh.


All right, the match is starting.

I feel that metal now in my mouth, like you were saying.

What if he loses? Then we hide our disappointment.

Follow my lead. I've been doing it for years.

The kid needs to know we support him no matter what.

Come on, Luke!


All right, they're gone. Okay. Let's get out of here.

Stay close.

Mom, you're unbelievable.

Ay. that's sweet, but I know I look terrible.

You come down on me for being self-conscious... then you run and hide because your face is red. You're right.

I keep blaming the high school boys... for making you self-conscious, and you're taking after me.

We can assign blame when we're safely behind our tinted windows.

We're trapped!

No. When I was in the caveman exhibit, I discovered fire exits.

I'll explain to you why that's funny in the car. Follow me.

No, Manny. it's time for me to set a good example for you.

Okay. Mom, what are you doing?

I'm gonna show you that it's not important what other people think.

What is important is that you stay true to yourself. Ay.

It was the bravest thing my mom had ever done.

Hey, everybody!

Uh, hear my squeaky shoes?

Pretty funny, isn't it? That's right, it's me, Ol' Squeaky Shoes.

Crazy! Get a load of that pink shirt.

Aw, it's so pretty. Hey, Manny, nice top.

Uh, but my shoes! What about 'em, Pink Top?

It was the bravest thing he has ever done.

They call me "Pink Top."

My hero. Pink Top.

Hey! Ho!

We really blew it with Luke today.

How could I do that?

My dad never missed an opportunity... to let me know when I disappointed him, and I do it to my grandkid.

It's just as much my fault.

I've seen what having a disapproving father has done to my wife.

I should've known better. Dang it.

Buddy, I know you're upset. You've got every right.

We made that wrestling match all about our stupid feud.

That was wrong. Forget about those jerks.

We couldn't be anything but proud of you, just like I'm super proud of your mom.

Let's repair this one first.

We just don't want you to beat yourself up because you lost.

I'm not. I just started wrestling.

Sure, it would've been nice to win, but I tried my best.

I just said "dang it" because I forgot to get a straw.

Son of a gun! He's actually okay.

I don't buy it. Why? What are you talking about?

No kid lets down his father and grandfather and is that okay with it.

He's burying his feelings. Or maybe he's just raised better than that.

He knows it's pointless to fight other people's battles.

It's all in the D. N.A., Phil.

My old man has a problem with somebody?

Trust me, I'm looking for that guy's kid on the schoolyard.

It's how men work. Or used to work.

Maybe those thuggish Pritchett genes got mixed with more evolved Dunphy genes... resulting in a more elevated human being.

Oh, my God! He's attacking him!

Hey! Get off my kid! Hey! Get off my kid!

You get off of my kid!

Hey, hey! Get off my daughter's husband!

Would it kill you to call me your kid, Jay?

Oh, my God. He was saving him. Oh.

Have a good day. Well, all's well that ends well.

Right. Yeah, yeah.

Here we go. Grab a seat, Son.

Coming in. I think, uh, probably just a regular burger.


I can't see it anymore. You think it's gone?

It could be hiding.

I have an idea. What are you doing?

I'm gonna create a distraction so then we can make a break for it.

Okay, just give it a second to warm up.


It's back!

Oh, my gosh.

It's so dark down here. Be careful, sweetie.

What is going on down here?

All right, I got to admit something right here.

You impressed me today, Luke.

That kid started choking. You didn't see a rival or- Yeah.

A chance to fight your family's stupid battles.

You just saw somebody who needed help.

And that makes you the biggest man in this whole car.

You just attacked him, didn't you? He made that choke sign.

I thought he was mocking my wrestling.

Well, let's go ahead and keep that to ourselves.


I'll get it.

Honey, I take back everything I ever said about this stupid invention. it has a name.

The Real HeadScratcher T. M.

Hey! Well, come on in.

Just wanna say I'm sorry, Doofy.

And yet you're still calling- What your kid did today was amazing.

No hard feelings, right?

Hey, Cam, hold off on that thing for a second. Lily, honey?

Are you kidding me? it's all in good fun. All right. Good.

Whoa! Who's this little dumpling?

Only my niece. if there's one thing she loves, it's piggyback.

No, I don't. Yep! Hop on up there!

All right! Yeah!

Who's this man? You can call me "Uncle Gil"!

Uncle Gil! You two look great together!

Get in there! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! I'm telling you, these little buggers love me.

That's the plan! Yeah!