Modern Family S5E17 Script

Other People's Children (2014)

Mwah! Okay, I've fed you.

Now, who's ready to watch some basketball?

Why am I looking at you? I don't know.

Unlike you, I don't need a reason to watch a bunch of guys run around in shorts.

Don't ruin this for me like you did with Olympic diving.

Cam? Recording it.

Mitch and I are taking Alex and Manny to an art exhibit.

But, of course, everybody is welcome to join.

It's a retrospective on postwar abstract expressionism.

Wait. For school? No, for life.

Oh, thank God. I don't even know who we fought in the postwar.

Told you one car was enough.

Looks like it's just the two amigos. Haley?

Oh, sorry to brunch and bail, Grandpa, but I've got a date.

Uh, with whom? A gorgeous guy I met at school.

Ooh, goes there or cleans there? Mom.

Answer the question. So everyone's leaving?

No, I'm- I'm not. I wish I had known this before I served the good bacon.

You did not serve the good bacon.

Shh! Don't you have a tiny dress to buy? Yes, we do!

We asked Gloria to take Lily to pick out her flower girl dress.

Yeah. We're clearly not following every wedding tradition... but there will damn sure be one dress the grooms don't see until the big day.

And we also asked Claire to go because we thought her sensible style... nicely complements Gloria's flair.

That way Lily doesn't end up looking too-

Or too- ♪ Wah-wah ♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey,♪♪

There's my boy.

I know you're talking to Joe, but that still feels really good to hear.

Okay, clocking out. Ch-Ch- Boop!

You know, Andy, if you want, you can stay and watch the game.

Otherwise, I'll just be here by myself.

I'm right here.

I'd love to, Mr. P... but I gotta come up with an anniversary gift for my girlfriend.

I make her something different every year... like a scrapbook or a nice scarf.

This year, I was thinking maybe I could bake her some banana bread.

Oh, I am the king of banana bread.

You know my secret? No nuts.

Not such a secret.

I used to make stuff for Claire all the time.

Pretty sure my artistry is what locked her down.

I got to make this year special.

With her in the coast guard, I, like, hardly ever get to see her.

Well, this is just off the dome, but, uh, maybe send her a fun video?

Ooh. She does love Rock. of Ages.

Or you could make your own video- something romantic and personal with real production value.

I got some pretty choice equipment back at the house.

I'd be happy to help. Would you really?

Yeah! Yes!

Great! Let's do it!

Luke, buddy, I'll pick you up later. We can go check out some wheels.

I thought you were gonna stay and watch the game.

I knew you loved me.

Oh, get out!

Come on. Wheels?

What, are you looking at cars already?

Pottery wheels. I have to pick a spring elective... and Dad thinks I should take ceramics 'cause lots of girls do.

You know what a lot of girls don't do?

Guys who take ceramics.

You got a wood shop at your school?

I can't really build stuff. I mostly take apart and apologize.

You gotta know how to build things. I can build suspense.

How? Well, get this.

Huh? Garage. Now.

What's a bridal store?

It's a place with the most wonderful dresses that you have ever seen.

We're gonna get you the perfect one... even if it take us all day.

Found it.

Oh, no, sweetie. That's a costume.

You can't wear a costume to a wedding. Why not?

Belle was a princess. She faced the Beast.

She stood up to the townspeople. What have you done?

I... got us into that tiny, little parking spot.

Princess dresses are not the only pretty dresses.

I want to be a princess. I want to be a princess!

Stop that right now.

Your dads want you to have a flower girl dress... and that's what we're going to get you.

So march.

It was marked "compact," and we're driving a minivan, so-

Hey, thanks for inviting us to this.

Oh, no problem. You know, I'm surprised that this particular foursome... doesn't hang out more often, considering-

We're the cultured ones in the family?

I wouldn't say that... outside this group.

Did you know your father actually goes to the grocery store to buy books?

I did know that, yeah.

I also know that the best way to get my sister to fall asleep is to-

Show her a movie with subtitles. Bonne nuit, Maman.

We should be nice and grateful that we have this day to spend together... in our own private salon.

Don't tell my mom that. She'll show up and ask to get her roots done.

Manny! That's true though.

Thanks, Manny. I am so excited for this exhibit.

I'm such an admirer of Kandinsky.

You know, he was credited with painting the first truly abstract work.

Is that so? Mm-hmm.

To be honest, I was a little nervous about holding my own with those three... so- I did a little boning up on Kandinsky.

Figured it couldn't hurt to have a few facts in my pocket.

My backup plan was to touch a painting and get thrown out.

Yes, hi. Excuse me. Can you tell us where the Kandinsky exhibit is?

You know, Wassily Kandinsky? Born in Moscow? Son of a tea merchant.

I'm sorry. That exhibit was temporary. it's closed.

What? No.

Oh, I love this Matisse.

You know, this is one of his final works.

His failing health led to his exploration of paper cutouts.

Ah, yes. I believe he called it "painting with scissors."

And he was also a contemporary of Picasso.

You can definitely see how they influenced each other. Right, Cam?

Huh? Uh, well, you know, it really reminds me... of, uh, Kandinsky.

How so? Well, not so much in look, more in texture.

No, Cam! No, please, sir, don't touch the art.

Sorry. I'll leave the premises. No, it's- it's fine.

Just take a few steps back.

Beth, I would swim the deepest, sharkiest oceans to be with you.

What are you doing? Cut!

Well, now we have a blooper reel.

We're making a video love letter for Andy's girlfriend.

Your dad uses his computer to put in cool backgrounds... while I act out all the things that I would do to be with her... like swim an ocean or climb a mountain.

Ooh, how about you buy a plane ticket and visit her like a normal person?

I would, but the coast guard keeps her really busy.

Eyes. Does she like it?

She's probably so lonely with only two other women to talk to in her whole 40-person unit.

So you're saying it's just your girlfriend and 36 super-in-shape dudes?

Thirty-seven. And it's not what you think.

The coast guard seriously frowns on fraternizing.

It's forbidden. Oh. That doesn't make it hot.

I got some on your face. You're gonna shine. I'll go get some of my- Claire's powder.

My Claire. She's my wife.

I thought you had a date to go on.

I do.

When's he gonna get here? Whenever he does.

He's just, like, a few minutes late.

I'm sorry.

That is so rude.

A real man would be more considerate of your time.

You're right.

That's why every year People magazine names the consideratest man alive.

Oh, man. You can make fun of me all you want... but when you grow up, you'll see what qualities make up a real man.

Someone say "makeup"? I did.

All right. Here we go.

Oh, yeah. Much better. You know what? I think I'm gonna shadow down here.

Gloria, you are gonna love this one.

I think we have finally found the perfect dress.


It's nice, but I don't like the bow.

Let's try more.

We've tried on six dresses already. She's fine with this.

Right, Lily? I don't care.

See? She loves it. Done.

Go try the lace one.

Seriously? This is endless.

Why are you dragging this out?

'Cause we haven't found the right dress.

You have got to be a better shopper than this.

I have seen you buy three outfits while driving a car.

Come on. it's fun. I don't have any daughters.

All I get to buy is tuxedos, and they all look the same.

But don't tell Manny that because I don't want to hear another lecture.

It's funny. I have never cared about any of this stuff.

I didn't even wear a wedding dress when I married Phil.

Never even tried one on.

Easy. That is the reaction for when there's a man behind me with a gun.

All I said is I don't care about wedding dresses.

Because you've never been in one.

I'm gonna pick some for you to try. Okay, no, no.

No need. Mm-mmm. Come on. You'll feel beautiful.

Then you can go back to your... boy clothes.


Bought this shirt for Luke, and I couldn't return it.

And I don't have all day to try on dresses.

Oh, and I do?

It'll be fun for me. You're my stepdaughter.

I'm older than you.

You see? it's already fun.

We're gonna start by building a simple toolbox.

First, I'm gonna show you how to cut the wood.

I know you're a little young for this, goober. Try to soak it all up.

What is this thing? Table vise.

♪ Table vise, ta- ♪ No. I already went through this with Mitchell.

That's what we're here to prevent.

Didn't your dad teach you any of this stuff?

He says the only tool you need is a sense of humor.

'Cause who needs the Jaws of Life if you have a good knock-knock joke?

Luke, grab the goggles over there, please.

And try to pay attention.

We measure twice, and we cut once.

Hey, Grandpa, can you bench 180 pounds?

I just said pay attention.

And that's actually 205 with the bar.

I'll lift that for you later.

I can see you're not gonna let up about that. Eh, I'm okay.

Spot me. Now, if this thing goes south...

I want you to call 911 ... and tell Joe his old man died as he lived- saving a trainload of people.

All right. That's enough for now.


Tell me everything you know about women.

Yeah, that last thing. Funny. Funny.

Funny. I must be a little behind you guys.

His words.

Do you feel what's happening here? I feel pinching.

No. I'm the weak link of this super group. They know it and I know it.

It's fine when we're all in a big group... but once we're separated from the herd, the hooves come out.

Don't you mean "claws"? Clawed animals don't travel in herds, Mitchell.

Packs, flocks and prides. Why can't we be on a farm?

I'd make you all look like such idiots.

You know what? I'm just gonna wait outside.

No. Cam, come on. You're being silly.

To be perfectly honest, I-I really needed Cam to stay.

The minute he goes, I'm the dumb one.

I-i took an art history class once, but that was just to look at naked Italian dudes, so-

Remember now, you're in subzero temperatures.

The only thing keeping you warm is the heat of your fiery passion.

And... go!

My beautiful Beth- Colder!

My b-b-beautiful B-Beth.


That's too cold. That's too cold. B-B-Beth!

Now we're talking!

You're so beautiful to me! Yes!

Why am I so intent on helping Andy?

I love filmmaking, and I love love.

I guess you could say I enjoy making love on film... and now I don't have to do it by myself.

Beth, this is my long way of saying I miss you.

This- Uh- You know, this is weird. I don't really know where to look.

No, it's not weird. Just look deep into my eyes and sweep me off my feet.

All right.

Honey- Yeah, that's weird.

It is. Yeah. Haley, honey, can you help us?

I don't think anyone can. Just let Andy hold you Officer and a Gentleman style... and I'll superimpose Beth's face over yours on the computer.

That's insane. I know. I can do anything with this.

If she's not comfortable- You know what, guys?

This whole thing is really sad and pathetic.

No girl wants a guy that tries this hard.

If I got this video, I'd call the police.

Some girls actually like guys who are nice to them.

Some girls like 36 of them.

There's 37 of them! Okay, this is passion. We can use it.

Andy, pick her up.

All right. Let's just get this over with. Oh, my gosh!

He's actually picking me up! Dad!

It's just for a minute. Now lock eyes, and... action.

Honey, this is my long way of saying I miss you.

I don't have to climb a mountain or swim an ocean... to be with you... because you're always with me- in my thoughts, my dreams, my heart.

You deserve more than I could possibly ever give you... but everything I have is yours.

I love you.


That was beautiful. I really felt that one. Did you feel that one?

No, I didn't feel anything.

I was talking to Andy. I know! Put me down, freak!

Ugh! Wow.

That really takes me back to my cheerleading days.

How could a guy with so much pain create such hopeful imagery?

I certainly couldn't paint like that if my mother was dying of consumption.

The last time she had a cold, I could barely arrange the flowers on the front table.

You know what I found so interesting?

Was that the first painting and the last painting were so similar... and I think that that was intentional, a comment on the perpetual motion of life.

The first painting was the last painting. We walked in a circle.

Are you sure? Yeah.

So, you know, I'm gonna go check on Cam... because he's been alone for quite some time. Mm-hmm.

And he's probably touching a painting. No, don't go!

We're having such a good time! I guess it's just you and me now.

It was okay when Cam left and passed the dunce cap to Mitchell... but with him gone, it went to me.

What I would've given to have Luke there.

Ah, Luke. Sweet as custard and just as smart.

And presto.

Thank you so much, Mr. Dunphy.

I wish I could repay you somehow. Nah.

Next time you're with your girlfriend, just think of me.


Later. Who's that?

My date. Your lunch date? it's 5:00.

He fell asleep. But he texted me right when he woke up.

Then you'd think he'd be well-rested enough to walk to the front door.

Yeah, a gentleman honks to support the troops, not summon his girlfriend.

Although my girlfriend is a troop, so in my case, it's a little confusing.

Oh, my God. it's still talking.

Because it knows you're not being respected.

Thank you. You bet.

Ugh. You guys don't understand how dating works in the real world.

What are you talking about? Look at everything Andy did for Beth today.

I just live my life to make her happy.

I'm gonna give this to the mailman, who's gonna give it to the coast guard... and by this time tomorrow... someone in the coast guard's gonna be giving it to my girlfriend.

Can you imagine the smile on her face when she takes it all in?

Okay, I'm gonna go while you two replay that in your minds.

Oh, my gosh.

Would you like to reenact Gravity?

Yes. Sandra Bullock! Oh. Dang it!

Good call. That was quick.

Hey. "Hey"?

That's what I get after I waited for you all afternoon?

Uh- You look good?

I know that. You were supposed to pick me up hours ago.

You were, like, the first or second person I texted after I woke up.

Oh! That's so sweet.

Did it even occur to you to come to the door?

Who comes to the door?

A gentleman. Could you at least open the car door for me?

Now can we go? You know what? Go take another nap.

I'd rather wait for someone who'd walk through a blizzard for me... and only honks to support the troops!

I don't understand you.

Neither do I!


Claire, you look beautiful. You're glowing.

I'm not glowing. I'm sweating.

Come on. Look at yourself in the mirror.

Don't tell me that you don't feel gorgeous and special.


You're right.

I am radiant.

Oh, it's like I'm in a- in a fairy tale or a dream.

Oh! Lies!

You're faking it.

I'm sorry! Look who raised me.

I am my father's daughter.

And also kind of his son.

And I lied about that being Luke's shirt.

I bought it for myself in three colors.

I am trying to help you out here, Gloria, but this just isn't me.

You did help me.

I am glad I didn't have daughters.

You know, at least when I take Manny shopping, we make a day of it.

I don't even have to ask him to twirl because he just does it.

¡ Vamos, Lily!


Lily? Lily?

Is she- No.

No? She's gone. She's gone.

Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily!

No, the dress!

Lily? Lily?

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

I can't run in these shoes!

I bet you wish you had boy shoes now, huh? Lily?

Claire, stop! What?

Look! Oh, my God.

Okay, run, run. Come on. Come on!

She looks so happy.

She does. Oh, she really does.

They're gonna kill us.

What sort of princess?

The kind that dances with beasts and won't marry Gaston.

Really? What?

It's the only dress she likes.

Lily wants to come to the wedding as Belle.

Makes sense. She went to Pepper's seder as Dora the Explorer.

It's fine. Are you sure?

Yes. Yes. As long as she's happy.

A gay wedding is hardly the place to stop someone from being who they want to be.

They said it's fine. Yay! I'm finally happy!

Mmm! What?

I saw you twirl. Oh, I did not.

Yes, you did. Such a pretty girl.

Shut up. You're a girl.

How about that daughter of ours?

She marches to the beat of her own drum, huh? Yeah. Exactly.

So why are we so concerned what two nerdy teenagers think of us?

Isn't the true mark of intelligence being able to admit what you don't know?

Shh. Here comes Manny. Did he hear me?

I don't think so. Hey, guys.

Nothin'. Hey, what are you doing out here?

You guys invited us so we could spend the day together.

It felt wrong that you two are out here and I was in there all alone with Alex.

Couldn't keep up, could ya? She knows everything. She made a docent cry.

It's okay. We're faking it too. Well, duh.

There you guys are. Nothin'.

Uh, we were just headed back in. Yeah, I'm getting a second wind.

Oh, no, no, no. That's okay.

What do you say we go check out some food trucks? Really?

I'll go back in if you guys want, but I'm actually really hungry.

Yeah. Whatever you want. Whatever you need.

Thanks, guys.

If I'm being honest, I had to get out of there.

I was exhausted from having to dumb it down all day.

Really? The neck?

Yeah, a kiss on the neck opens all kinds of doors.

Last one.

Great job, champ. Who said you can't build anything?

My dad, the police, a doctor.

You got a gift. Trust me. Take shop.

I think I'm gonna.

Hey, how'd you get to know so much about everything?

From my dad, mostly. He taught me how to use a drill, change a tire... fake an injury when a buddy asks you to help him move.

Everything a man needs to get by.

I'm just glad I have someone to pass it on to.

You've got Manny. Mmm.

Manny came to me kind of fully cooked.

And I was an idiot with Mitchell... and by the time this guy gets old enough, who knows how much I'll remember?

These are my prime wisdom-giving years.

You got any more questions, Luke?

Just one- Can I have a sip?

The beer? Sure. What the hell. Awesome. My first drink of beer.

I remember the day I gave Mitchell his first taste of beer.

He winced and carried on like someone was digging a bullet out of his leg.

I couldn't take that moment away from Phil.

Hang on. Wait a second. Let me see that.

No, this beer's skunked.

It's no good. Damn fridge must be on the fritz again.

Aw, man. Really?

Sorry, buddy. it's probably time to call your dad anyway, right?

Okay. Wait a second. I want to give you something.

But those are yours. What's a grandfather for... if he can't give his grandson a couple of tools?

Thanks, Grandpa. Good job.

Joe. I know you're all about the boobs right now... but trust me- the neck.

Don't let go!

Don't worry, George Clooney! I won't!

You're too handsome!

Watch out for incoming space junk!

From where?

Your zipper's down.

Oh, is it? Yeah, it is. Just-

What's Andy doing here? They're making a video for his girlfriend.

Yeah? What's it called, Dorks in Space?

Oh, it was actually sweet. it's weird.

There's something about him. You know what I mean?

Yeah, he's just like Dad.

Ew. Ew, ew!

In space, no one can hear you scream.


In space, no one can hear you scream!

I can't hear you! In spa-

Oh, I just got it. That's good. That's good. Thank you.

That's awesome.

There's no denying it is original... but you can see the influence of Pollock.

While the pattern seems haphazard and random... it belies a purposefulness, an intentionality.

You know, I think what I'm responding to is the clashing juxtaposition of color... the bright yellow against the dark background.

It's like a ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak world.

If I may take a contrary position-

I think it speaks to the absurdity and folly of human endeavor.


Like our futile struggle for perfection.

I get it. I got mustard on my shirt. Get over it.

I know we're joking, but all kidding aside, it really does remind me of Kandinsky's-