Modern Family S5E20 Script

Australia (2014)

Are you getting this? I'm getting the shot.

I'm just not getting what you're trying to do.

We're in Australia. It's on the bottom of the globe.

So everyone here but me is upside-down. It's geography.

It's a good time to tell you. I dropped Luke on his head when he was one.

Huh. Okay, I'm up.

Did you drop him too?

Grab my leg, buddy. Here we go. Oh.

I come from the land down under. He doesn't.

I was conceived in Australia on my parents' honeymoon.

It was a romantic summer night- their summer- on a blanket in the park.

I still have that blanket. Phil's mom left us money for a trip there.

When the rest of the family found out, they all just jumped on board.

My mom's grandfather was Australian... and she'd spend her summers- their winters- visiting him.

It was a very special place for her. She always wanted me to see it.

You still have that blanket?

Yeah, silly. it's the one on our bed.

You sure you don't want some of this Vegemite, Gloria?

You don't know what you're missing.

Ay. I don't eat anything unless I know what's in it.

I've seen this woman scarf down a pig's nose.

Sometimes one must travel halfway across the globe to get the clearest view of home.

This was my whole flight. What's she talking about?

My college application essay. They want students who are worldly.

Why don't you write about our trip to Hawaii, when you drank straight from a coconut?

I feel like Harvard's gonna get a lot of those, so-

Hey, guys. I just wanted to say thanks... for being a part of this pilgrimage to majestic Australia... which was once a penal colony.

Grow up.

What? This place was really special to my mom.

She actually left me a list of things that she thought we should do-

Visit the Great Barrier Reef, see the bush-


And climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

What do you say, mates?

I'm sorry, honey, but you know how I am with heights.

Ay. is that why you never wear high heels?

You guys are with me, right?

Absolutely not. Nah, I'm not doing that.

Really? No.

"No worries." That's Australian.

I'll do that one on my own if I have to. I'm just so excited we're all here together.

Actually, we have to go. Yeah, so-

Back in the day, we knew this guy from Australia.

New Zealand. Same thing.

It's not. He didn't have a lot of friends... and we felt sorry for him.

But the truth is, he was kind of annoying.

He was one of those guys that was always on. Mm-hmm.

Big relief when his visa ran out.

Anyway, through no fault of my own-

No, wait. You announced on Facebook... that we were going to Australia, which is where he lives.

Fergus invited us to lunch. I couldn't say no.

I could've said no.

Which is why you have 12 friends on Facebook. Yeah.

Claire, honey, I got to tell you.

You really knocked it out of the park on the Hanover deal.

Oh, come on, Dad. That was all you. No, it was you.

No, it was you! It was you. it was your baby.

This was my whole flight.

Claire took the lead on her first project... at the company and scored a big one.

Best part is, she beat out that arrogant gasbag Earl Norton... over at Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets.

I wish I could see the look on his stupid face, face, face, face.

So, what's first?

I think Manny wants to see the Opera House.

Actually, it was a long flight.

I was thinking maybe just... hang out on Bondi Beach.

That's a great idea, Manny.

Bondi Beach is topless.

Thank you, TripAdvisor.

Beach it is. Let's get this Aussie party started!

Oh, my God. What's wrong with your mouth?

¡Ay.! Your lips are huge!

I think you're allergic to the Vehe-mi-te.

No worries. I'd be a little worried.

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey,♪♪

My mom said that Joe is fine... that he ate, he slept... he woke up and then he ate again.

Classic Joe.

So, uh, Luke and I are gonna take a break from the sun.

Yeah. We're kind of tired.

Tired of not seeing boobs.

Watching the natives take nourishment from their land... has made me acutely aware... of the fact that I am just saying words now.

What is wrong with me?

I'm totally blocked.

So am I. Scooch.

Hi. How's it going?


Why aren't you all over that? He's totally gorgeous.

This country's number-one export is hot surfers.

I'm not gonna buy the first one I see. I'm still browsing.

Ooh! Kangaroos! I'm going to buy one.

Lily, what did I just say?

I don't know. Something about shoes, probably?

Your dad gave you enough money for one souvenir.

Don't buy the first thing you see. You'll regret it your whole trip.

You're right. I have enough regret.

You gotta be kidding me.

We got outbid! What? By whom?

I'll give you four guesses. Damn it.

Wait a second.

They're giving us 48 hours to submit a new bid.

We can do that. We can totally do that.

Let's go back to the hotel and figure it out.

Can it wait? Yeah. We're on vacation.

Oh, sorry, guys. We have to do this.

This is my baby. Jay!

Dad! Claire!


Fine! You two go back to work.

Phil and I, we're going to walk to the ocean... and we're going to have more fun without you. Yeah, we will.

No, we won't. Not at all.

Why would you guys even say that?

So, after sitting there for 40 minutes, I tell the waitress, "I'm actually in a hurry.

Any chance of getting the eggs before they turn into chickens?"

Hah. You know? And she's a total bogan.

She's like, "I've got five tables!"

You know how they have the tray? She's sashaying with the legs.

"Oh, who's got the waffles? Who-Who's got the waffles?"

All right. We get it. Yeah.

People are looking. Oh, nothing I can do to stop that.

Well, I can think of one thing.

Well, listen, Fergus. It has been great catching up.

Yes. - But we really have to spend some time with our family today.

I'm- I'm so sorry. Um, Mr. Anderson? We are huge fans.

Could we get a picture? Is that possible? Of course. Bring it in.

Sit down there. There you go.

I won't get up.

What's happening? I don't know. Google him.

I didn't spring for an international data plan.

Thank you so much. You like that? All right.

Oh, my God!

Remember your old downstairs neighbor... that could put his entire fist in his mouth?


I think my fist got bigger.

Wait. Fergus, you have your own show?

Oh! Yeah.

It's just a little talk show. No big deal.

It's a big deal here, I suppose, but yeah.

It's a shame you guys have got to leave so soon.

Well- We could stay for a little bit longer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine.

You never finished the story about the waitress and the- Oh, yeah.

"Who had the waffles?"


I just feel bad that Claire and Jay... are missing such a beautiful day... in this gorgeous country, which is also a continent.

You have a lot of facts. Uh-huh.

I think this spiritual journey of yours is a wonderful thing.

I think it's gonna make you feel closer to your mother.

I hope so. I miss her.

It's the biggest reason I came here- to connect.

Is that weird? Not at all.

I talk to my late grandmother all the time.

She would have loved this place.

I wonder if she's here with me now.

No, she doesn't like to fly.

Isn't it wild that my mom and dad made footprints in this very sa-

Aah! What?

Aah! Something bit me!


What is this? Not one topless woman.

Calm down. You're gonna spook the boobs.

Uh, wait. 2:00.


Hey, Luke! Luke! How deep is it?

Be cool! We don't want to look like idiots!

I lost my bathing suit! Manny, help me find it!

I don't have my nose plug!

Little boy, are you okay?

Manny, say something! Miss! Miss! He lost his bathing suit!

Oh, honey, I can help you find it. it's okay.

I'm fine! Aah! The water's really clear.


♪♪I love your limo!

You don't think it draws too much attention to me?

What are you talking about?


We ended up spending a little more time with Fergus than we planned.

Which, honestly, felt like growth to us. Yes.

Because I think sometimes we judge people before we get to know them.

I cannot believe they let us in here. How famous are you?

Well, sometimes, I feel like I'm the one in the zoo.

Only difference between me and this guy is I won't pee on you.


Seriously, they will pee on you.

Oh, for real? He will pee on us. Okay.

Turns out we have a lot in common.

For example, we all hate standing in lines.

Make sure I get copies of those. isn't he funny?

We're with him. So we're just gonna- Through you go.

Sorry. Classic Fergus, getting us in like this.

Come on.

Where's the next gift shop? I cannot look at another souvenir, Lily.

You did this. Lily, relax. You'll find the perfect one.

I want to believe you... but that lifeguard was the cutest boy I've ever seen.

I know.

Hey, guys! Found 'em in the business center.

Come on. We got to catch the bus to the bush.

What time did you wake up?

5:00 a. m. Claire has an incredible work ethic.

She's like a young me. Oh.

Yung-mi was our accountant from Korea. Died at her desk.

Okay, enough work.

It's time to enjoy our vacation. Yeah.

We just got to finish up a few quick- No, you're done.

Done. We're done. Let's go.

Jay, I miss you.

And besides, I don't know that I can keep Phil safe anymore.

I think he's going to die here.

Oh, it's Fergus. What? Why did he text you and not me?

He invited us to a party today on Hugh Jackman's yacht. - What?

Not today! No! I want to meet Hugh Jackman. I do too. I do too.

But we can't bail on my family again.

That makes us complete star you-know-what-ers.

Plus, Cam, this will be fun too. Come on.

Everybody have their sunscreen and bug spray? I got the snakebite kit.

Hey, guys, we just got some really bad news.

Yeah, so-

Walking the paths once trod by the first Australians has made me... what?


Now, if we're lucky... we'll see some of Australia's more famous indigenous species.

Kangaroo, dingoes, koala.

Quick question. Oh, good. Another one.

Isn't it true that baby kangaroos- or joeys- are born without hind legs?

Yes. Once again, you've correctly answered your own question.

Yeah. I just got a text from Earl... at Closets, Closets, Clos- I know what it's called.

Listen to this. "Better luck next time. Ha, ha."

He always knows what to say to get my goat.

I'm waiting for a quote from the lumber supplier, but this hike is three hours.

I'm gonna lose signal. Let's go back.

Dad, we can't just up and leave without a plausible reason wh-

Claire's hurt!

What happened? Well, you know what a klutz she is.

Honey, are you okay? Not really.

Yeah, well, I- Let me get her back to camp.

We're just gonna slow you down. Come on, sweetheart. Yeah, you guys have fun.

How dumb do they think we are?

Sometimes Claire leaves me pictures of food instead of a shopping list.

I'm so nervous. Are we gonna see Hugh Jackman in a bathing suit?

What do we say to Hugh Jackman in a bathing suit?

Oh, my God. it's so big.

That's a bit direct, but he might be flattered.

Oh. You're talking about the boat.

Fergus! Fergus! Hey!

Oh, guys. Thank God you're here.

Just had the worst fight with Hugh. Oh, no. What happened?

I took a shot at Russell Crowe in Les Mis. Hugh took offense.

Oh, well, he has to know Russell was- He has to know.

Horribly miscast. It's not his fault.

It's not his fault. The acting was fine, but-

Okay, let's get on this boat and fix this. Come on.

That's not the boat. They've already gone.

Hugh was standing on his deck in a skimpy little bathing suit... disappointed look on his face.

Wait. I'm s- Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Skimpy? I'm sorry. Standing on his what?

On his deck. Of the boat. Got it. Okay.

You know what? We don't need them.

I'll hire a boat. We'll have our own party!

This is the life, eh, boys?

Oh, s- So we're not taking this to a bigger boat?

A bigger boat! Have a meat pie.

No, thank you. No. No, thank you.

Are you okay, Phil? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

I just wish Claire was here to see all this.

Ah. Plus, my foot's twice its normal size... and the mosquitoes are really going after my jellyfish bites.

Look! A sign!


You wanted to see a kangaroo, and now you see one.

I think this is your mother trying to tell you... that the rest of the trip is going to be magical, Phil.

That is so my mom, to say it with a kangaroo.

Look. it's so beautiful.

Okay, but be careful. You're gonna scare him.

G'day, mate. Hey.


Hey, aren't you gor-


This one. No, this one.

No, this one! I can't breathe!

Shopping with Lily is the best birth control in the world.


But you know it's not, right?

Ooh! This one!

Thank God. Hurry up and buy it.

Wait. What if there's a better one later?

Let's keep looking. No, no, no! You are buying that.

You're never gonna find anything better. I never found a hotter lifeguard, okay?

This is perfect, and it is right in front of you. Here.

Thanks. Thank you.

Hey. I really love your accent.

Wow. Thank you.

I would like to return this.

Penny for your thoughts?


Me too. What's our problem?

I freaked out when those things came at us.

I think I could've handled one, but they ganged up on me.

Hey, boys. How would you like to participate in an aboriginal walkabout?

No, thanks. Why don't you ask those girls over there?

This walkabout's for men only. Trust me. We're not men.

Sound like you need this more than anyone. Quick. Come here.

Perfect. Now we're wearing makeup.

Oh. You have got to be kidding me.

Okay, can we walk to the bush?

Nah. Dispatch is sending a cab in an hour.

An hour. What?

No, Cam, we deserve this.

We deserted our family, we abandoned our daughter, and for what? Huh?

We're not just star you-know-what-ers. We're you-know-what-holes!

You know Lily's not here, right?

Oh, my God.

Please be cool. I'm always cool.


There's some pretty fancy shoes.

Thank you?

So, listen, we don't want any trouble... uh, but my- my friend and I-

"Friend?" Really? Yeah.

We had a little cab problem. Our cab broke down.

And we are trying to get to our daughter- the daughter my friend and I have together.

Well, that ain't right.

Daddies should be with their little girls.

Seriously, where can I get a pair of them shoes?

He wants your shoes. Give him your shoes. What? Okay.

I don't want your shoes. I wanna get me own.

He doesn't want your shoes. Put your shoes on.

I knew it! Gloria, don't be mad.

Too late! I know this looks really bad... but you have to understand that this is my-

Your baby? I know.

And you should be ashamed of yourself!

You have a husband who is on a spiritual journey and was punched by a kangaroo!



Honey, I just heard.

How did you get punched by a kangaroo?

Really hard. In the face.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Oh, boy. ls there anything I can do?

Could you stop working and sit with me for a while?

Yes, of course I can. Thank you.

Okay. Be- Be soft.

Ah, baby. Thank you.

Oh, my God. Phil. Ow. Oh!

Honey! Ow!

Phil! A wild dog took my laptop!

Seems like a missed opportunity.

Honey, if you want to work, just say so.

No! it happened! it just happened! I didn't see anything.

I didn't see you get hit in the face by a kangaroo, but I believe you.

Come on! Help me get it! No! You're on your own!

Like I've been this whole trip! Ow.

For God's sakes!

Gloria, stop! Let me explain!

Fine. But the explanation better not be that this is an important account... that you're on a deadline and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

Oh. Well, I'm gonna need a minute to think.

I did not leave Joe, fly across the world to see you spend all your time working.

You're missing the whole vacation!

Not the first wife to tell me that.

So how many wives need to say it before you listen?

What's that?

I'm not gonna tell you.

If you were here, you would know what that is.

I don't know what that was.

But I was not going to give him the satisfaction.

Ow! Damn it!

Why, Australia? Why?

Hey, mate. How's... it going?

Everything okay here? Not really.

You don't mind me saying, you look a bit beaten up.


I love your country, but your country doesn't love me back.

Australia's rejected me.

You see this right here? That's from a croc bite.

This one here on my back-

I was hit by a tram in Melbourne.

This right here-

That's an irregular mole.

Should probably get that checked out. Uh-huh.

Point is, Australia is nice to tourists... but it's tough on its own people.

Congratulations, mate. You're one of us.

Are you saying what I think you're saying? I think I am.

I'm Crocodile Dunphy?

That's not what I was saying at all.

Is that a kookaburra, which are born blind, or-


There you are. Oh! Dad, the laptop is gone.

We've got to get back to the hotel right now. It's still fresh in my mind.

I think I can just piece it together.

Claire. Yeah?

Let it go. What?

No! I-I poured my heart into this.

And don't you want to stick it to Earl?

Doesn't matter. Go be with your family.

Remember when you were a kid? We'd take the family trips?

I'd disappear for days to work? Yeah.

Don't be me.

I feel like I'm letting you down.

What are you talking about?

I finally get to spend a little vacation time with my daughter.

Yeah. Mmm.

What is that?

Lily! We're here! Daddies love you!


Oh, my gosh!

Oh, this place is beautiful!

That's our bus! Time to go!

What do you mean? Who are these guys?

Who's this guy? Oh.

Honey, I am so sorry. From now on, I am all yours.

I promise. Whatever you want to do.

Phil, this is not what I had in mind. You're doing great, honey!

What is a bridge?

It's a connector, a supporter, and sometimes it's a metaphor for-

Oh, my gosh! Shut up!

♪ Into the desert, I run ♪

♪ Into the blinding sun ♪ Hello from the Great Barrier Reef!

♪ I know that you will come ♪

♪ To have and to hold♪ Whoa! That was awesome!

♪ I maybe searching my whole life through ♪

♪ I maybe standing right next to you ♪

♪ This time, I'll know just what to do ♪

♪ To have and to hold♪ Yes!

♪And I can see quite clearly now♪♪

Thank you for choosing to fly Qantas... on our nonstop fight from Australia to Los Angeles.

I feel a little guilty... sitting up here without the family.

I don't. Me either.

Don't you think it's a little rude that they're sitting up there?

I would never do that.

Boy, you tense up fast after a vacation.

I swear that's Hugh Jackman up there.

I saw him when we boarded. I don't think it's him.

Oh, well, I'm gonna go find out.

Cam, no. Cam, come on.

Let him go, or none of us will get any sleep.

Hey, guys. Just saying hi.

Excuse me. I don't think he belongs up here.