Modern Family S5E7 Script

A Fair to Remember (2013)

I sure hope Mom and Dad are surprised... by this anniversary breakfast we're bringing them!

I'd hate to walk in on them if they're naked!

Yes, that kind of image could haunt someone... as she tries to fall asleep even years later.

Oh, relax. I think you're safe.

Or are they?

It's our 20th anniversary, so today at the school fair... a band called the Dad Beats is gonna surprise Claire with a power love ballad.

And the lead singer- You might wanna sit down- is the one and only, get up on your feet, this guy!

♪ She's a pretty sight Wise as a Buddha ♪

♪ But, brother, watch that bite 'cause she's a Claire-acuda ♪♪ Or maybe an existing song.

Thank you.

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey,♪♪

Do you wanna get your face painted like a pretty butterfly?

No, I'm just not in the mood.

Lily, what about you?

You know what? Maybe I will have them paint...

"Worst Coach Ever" on my forehead.

Cam's coaching freshman football... and his team's losing... and it's making him a- a little tense.

Run! Run! Protect it like it's your baby!

You dropped your baby!

They're running away with your baby!

Go get your baby!

That's the worst call... since they cast Russell Crowe in Les Mis. Right there!

You see the way everyone's glaring at me? No.

Like a big loser coach? All in your head.

I'm the Hester Prynne of freshman football.

I may as well have a scarlet "L" sewn on my shirt.

Then everyone would think you're Laverne.

Coach Tucker. Oh, hey.

That was a tough loss last night.

Yep, yep. Sure was. I feel your frustration. Sure do.

Uh, Mitchell, this is John. He's Trevor's dad.

Sorry. Star running back.

Well, maybe not for long.

I'm seriously thinking about pulling him from the team. What? Why?

'Cause Trevor's getting killed out there.

Got no one to block for him.

I-i hear what you're saying, and you're not wrong... but give me a little time.

You got one week. Hey!

Well, that is not appropriate fair behavior at all.

You know what might make you feel better?

Gathering my team and putting the fear of God in them.

I was gonna say a churro. I can do both!

She's a mess. Girl.

Hey, lead foot, easy on the turns.

I worked hours on this cake.

You're sure you wanna do this?

I'm going to win the cake contest. And then there'll be no stopping me.

From what, a beating? First place ribbons earn respect, Jay.

Not if your competition's a bunch of old ladies and weirdos.

Could you just be nice?

You didn't seem to care when you were eating all his practice cake.


What are you gonna do, pal?

'Bout to ask you the same thing.

Did you not see my blinker? Nope.

Then you're blind, 'cause it's on.

Looking at you, I'm guessing it was on the whole way here.

I got all day and satellite radio!

I don't care if parking here is on your bucket list.

I got two books on tape, a space blanket and a protein bar in the glove box.

I will sleep here if I have to.

We're not moving. Ay. But we are. Let's go, Manny.

Who are you? Oh, my God, you scared the hell out of me.

Okay. Language. There's a baby in the house.

Uh, that baby happens to be my uncle.

Oh. Which one are you?

I need to tell Mr. P. you broke one of his beers.

I'm Alex. Who are you?

I'm their manny. Nice try.

I know their Manny, and you look nothing like him.

Oh, you're Haley.

I'm their male nanny, Andy.

You really need to move.

Okay, well, I'll be out by the pool.

What? Nope. No, no, no.

Not without permission, you're not.

I'm gonna call Mr. and Mrs. P. Oh, wait.

Um, seriously, Mandy, do you, uh- do you really have to do that?

I see what you're doing.

Don't bother, because I have a girlfriend of eight years back in Utah.

That's pretty young, but I guess they do things differently over there.

She's my age, and we're engaged. To be engaged.

It's- it's a pre-engagement. She's in the coast guard.

In Utah? Yeah.

It's the largest salt lake in the western hemisphere.

Oh, good. She's protecting our lake.

I'll be out by the pool.

Your boss is calling you.

Hey! There she is.

Yeah, I'm not giving you any money. I don't need your money.

I need advice. About a girl.

Gross, but I'm intrigued, so talk.

Alex. Hey, girlita.

Sienna! Girl!

Sienna is amazing.

Stylish, worldly.

And she's so new to our school, she doesn't even realize... that I'm a full social class below her.

I need to cement the friendship before she finds out we have a cafeteria.

I've been looking all over for you.

Uh, this is my little brother, Luke.

He wants advice on some lame crush he has.

That's huge. So huge.

So, Luke, who is this mystery woman?

Um, just some girl.

And her name is Sienna.

You know, Manny, I'm just gonna say this one last time.

I doubt that. Gimme that.

You wanna fit in?

You're not doing yourself any favors with this cake contest.

I don't know. Chefs get all the girls.

You're a baker. Bakers are girls-

Betty Crocker, Mrs. Fields, Little Debbie.

What about the Pillsbury Doughboy?

That's a good one, Manny.

Well, well, well. Jay Pritchett. Nice of you to finally show up.

What's happening? You're an official fair cop.

Your wife volunteered you. Gloria!

I love you. Have fun!

What is this? It's for charity.

People pay for you to arrest and throw somebody in jail for 10 minutes.

And here comes your partner. What's up?

Oh, hell, no. I'm not working with this clown.

Hey, who you calling a clown, bucket list?

I see you two have already met.

That was my space, and you know it.

Tell it to my car. You know where to find it.

Hey! Enough of you two squabbling.

I've got the P.T.A. breathing down my neck.

Just pin these on and get to work.

Nope. Can't do the badge, sorry.

My wife just bought me this shirt, and if I ruin it, she'll kill me.

You're afraid you'll ruin your blouse. It's not a blouse.

It's a shirt. She bought it at the men's department, so it's a shirt.

Here's your first arrest. She's over at the Dizzy Dragon.

Word on the midway is she's tougher than she looks.

Think you can handle it? Why couldn't I handle it?

'Cause she's your daughter.


Oh, hi, Mr. Chang. Yeah.

What do you mean you're at the house already?

You're not supposed to be there for another two hours.

I have a long history of giving Phil bad anniversary gifts.

But this year, I have planned something amazing.

The traditional 20th gift is china, but what am I gonna do?

Give him a plate?

I already did that.

Okay. Bye.

Honey, um, what do you say we pack it in and go home?

What? No. We just got here. I haven't even whacked a mole yet.

I know, but I just got off the Ferris wheel, and I'm feeling really queasy.

But you're gonna miss the Dad Beats. Well-

No way. Come on. Let's get you a fried pickle.

Phil, I might throw up.

Uh-uh. No one throws up until I sing.

We gotta go. We gotta go home now.

Sure, why not? Nothing keeping you here.

Why are you acting weird? I'm not acting weird.

Well- Got her! Ma'am?

I am afraid you are under arrest.

Uh, no. Dad, tell him I can't do this right now.

Come on, please. Go ahead, read her the charges.

Can't do this.

All right, let's see. You have been charged with unlawful sexiness... and possession of a hot booty. That is wrong.

Guilty as charged. Stop it!

All right. Ten minutes in the slammer. No, I can't.

I don't have time for this. Phil!

Oh, my God. What are you doing, perv?

Getting proof of where the two missing beers went. You can't drink that out here.

Hmm. Let's see if you're right.

Mmm. No.

Okay. Well, you're in a pool zone, and that is glass.

So that's not safe. it's dangerous.

What is with you and your girlfriend protecting water?

Okay, just- if you just- No.

Just- Uh, uh, oh!

Oh! Oh, dilly.

Now you've done it. You're going to have to climb in there... and get all the glass out of the pool.

Um, I just got my hair straightened, so that's not gonna happen.

I hate to go all ballistic... but it has not been a pleasure meeting you.

Do you kiss your imaginary girlfriend with that mouth?

I do. But she's real, so- She's a real girl.

It all comes down to one thing, gentlemen.


And teamwork and heart.

You see this mallet?

Think I can swing this here mallet with one finger?

No. I need my whole team.

Because when you're functioning and working as a team... gentlemen, look out!

Sassy granny? Yeah, sassy granny.

Yes, exactly!

Because that is what you all played like last night- is a bunch of sassy grannies.

We're gonna bust our humps this week, and we're gonna get out there... and we're gonna play like a bunch of-

Girly men. Got it.

Okay, you know what? Is this thing, uh, plugged in?

It's not electric. I think it was made in the 1800s.

Okay, well, that's my point.

This is outdated.

This is offensive, because girls are athletes too.

So, in conclusion... if you wanna win football games... we gotta go out there and play like a-

What is Daddy doing? Daddy's smashing his demons.

Oh, like the ones you vacuum up at home?

Yeah, like that.

Mmm. Damn. Near miss.

Why the hell are you so dressed up for a school fair, anyway?

How is this dressed up? I'm-

Why? Because my shirt has buttons?

What's that fabric? Is that silk?

Get your vanilla fingers away from my shirt.

Blouse. Okay.

You wanna talk about clothes? Let's talk about clothes. Let's go.

Let's see. You look like some kind of old, washed-up golf pro... who drank his way off the tour and is one step away from writing a suicide note... with one of them little pencils.

Sorry. I didn't mean that.

Wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it.

I don't have the body to wear the clothes they make today... so I dress comfortable.

You're in shape, man. What are you, late 50s?

Come on. You know I'm not.

I'm serious, man. You look like you live at the gym.

I do some walking. Yeah?

Pritchett, Williams.

Got another arrest over by the Ferris wheel. On it.

Here we go.

Why'd we throw out the ice cream? We got plenty of time.

Quit it!

Come on, man. Give it back.

Seeing Manny up there... with the misfits and their crazy. cakes...

I started to wonder if Jay was right.

Maybe Manny would fit in better if he was more like the other boys.

And maybe I needed to give him a little push.

I saw you.

All right, young lady.

You're under arrest. What?

You have the right to remain silent.

Good luck with that. Grandpa!

Sorry, honey. Part of the job.

Out of the way! Let's go.

Who did this?

Hmm. Guess it's just you and me.

My cake! Somebody ruined it. Who would do that?

Ay. Manny, how terrible. All your hard work.

Oh, well. Let's go ride the ride.

No, Mom. I know who did it.

Oh, you do? It was Enid.

Ah. Look at her.

You can see the hate in her eyes.

The minute she saw this, she felt threatened.

She's cold as ice.

How 'bout you just let it go and go play with the other boys?

Oh, she'd love that.

Okay, Enid.

You wanna dance? Let's dance.

Hey. Let me have my cell phone. Come on. I gotta make a call.

Sorry, those are the rules.

What are you smiling at? I'm six.

Oh, God. All right. Got another one for you here.

Hi, honey.

Come on. Hmm.

One count of being an aggravating big sister.

That's eight to 10 minutes.

Luke did this? I was just trying to help him. Help him do what?

My friend Sienna and I were trying to help him find this girl he has a crush on.

Honey, Sienna is the girl he has a crush on.

Come on. Haven't you ever seen the way he looks at her?

The same way he used to look at Halloween candy.

Oh, my God. He's gonna do something stupid and ruin it for me.

I have to get out of here.

Okay. All right. I got a plan. I got this.

I'm gonna create a distraction. It's gonna get that little guard over here.

You're gonna sit down very quietly right by this door. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Great plan, Mom. Let me know how that works out for you.

It's a fake lock. How long were you gonna sit on that?

Found another one. I told you.

Are you gonna do that every time? You found glass, not the lost city of Atlanta.

Wow, I'm gonna chalk that one up to a lot of underage drinking.

You're bleeding. What?

Oh! Oh! I do not like blood.

I do not like blood. Is it bad?

Here. Oh, my God!

What? Your fingers are so stubby, like baby carrots.

Sure. Okay. Make fun.

Till you need me to reach into a vending machine. Then I'm everyone's best friend.

Here, hold still. Let me put some pressure on it.

So why are you a manny anyway?

Saving up for college. Plus, I like kids.

'Cause they make your hands seem normal?

Okay. Thank you.

I'm good. Thank you.

Luke, I hate to say it, but maybe this girl left.

It's probably for the best. I mean, even if we found her-

Forget it. it's embarrassing.

No. Tell me.

I wouldn't know what to do.

I've never kissed a girl before.

Oh. it's not that hard.

You know what? I'll kiss you once to show you how it's done.

Really? Okay! Wanna go behind the Dumpster?

No, here is fine.

Okay. it's not really how I imagined it, but-

Stop! What?

Ignore her. Where were we?

You're the girl! You're his crush!

He's being a little weirdo. Please don't judge me!

Uh, Luke, is this true?

She's a nerd! Her friends are books.

You're the best thing that's ever happened to her.

Alex? Um, I don't know what he's talking about.

Okay, I'm just gonna go catch up with some friends.

Sienna, wait!

Don't be sad. You're too good for her anyways.

Yeah. Thanks, Alex.

Not you! I was talking about myself, you little gnome.

There he is.

One more arrest, and we can hang up our badges.

I seen this punk horsing around earlier. I'm gonna enjoy this.

Jail time, jean jacket.

Is it bad? You're gonna be fine.

I should have worn a vest.

♪♪ Why is everyone just standing around?

Get this man a towel for his blouse!

So cold.

We were almost out.

I didn't want it to end like this.

Don't you do that! it's not over.

Listen to me.

I need you to tell my wife what happened.

Tell her it wasn't my fault. You're gonna tell her yourself!

She's standing right there, and she looks pissed. Uh-

Hi, baby.

♪♪ Phil.

Phil, when I said we needed to go home, I meant it.

I'm sorry. I should have listened to you.

But you have to stay for just one song.

Why? Trust me.

How's everybody doing? Good!

All right, next up, we have a very special guest joining us.

Ladies and gentlemen... give it up for...

Harold Grossman! Wait. What?

Uh, never really done anything like this before.

Uh, some of the gang down at the pharmacy talked me into it, so-

♪ Gotta take a little time ♪

♪ A little time to think things over ♪ Uh-oh. Oh, wow.

♪ L better read between the lines ♪

♪ In case I need it when I'm older ♪

♪ In my life ♪ Oh! Turns out Harold Grossman... ou rpharmacist, is a rock. star.

His voice is the drug he should be dispensing... because, apparently, it's the cure for everything.

Okay, time to go. Let's go.

No, no, no! Stay, stay. Come on! He's great. Whoo!

♪ L want you to show me ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ L want to feel what love is ♪

♪ And I know And I know ♪

♪ L know you can show me ♪♪

Oh, he's incredible!

I don't know. Well. Incredible!

Harold Grossman, everybody.

Holy cow!

Who knew?

Let's keep this party going. Next up, we have one more guest today.

Oh. No.

Harold! Harold! Yeah, Harold! Harold!

Okay, now, okay. Maybe Harold can come back a little later.

But in the meantime... the Dad Beats are proud to present...

Phil Dunphy!

Paul who? Phil?

Phil Dunphy.

Oh, Phil Dunphy. Oh, boy.

There's a white minivan out in the parking lot with its lights on... license plate number...


Phil Dunphy, everybody.

Hey, Mom, check it out. I finished my cake. Oh, good.

It's Los Angeles after an 11 .5 earthquake.

I call it "Earth-Cake."

Honey, that's amazing. You think that's amazing?

Wait till I smash this thing right on top of Enid's piece of sheet cake.

Ay, no. No, wait! Manny-

Enid didn't do it. I did it.

What? I was the one who ruined the cake.

I was afraid that all those boys were gonna make fun of you.

I think I care more about you fitting in than you do.

No, I care. I care a lot.

It's just the stuff I'm good at isn't the stuff that makes you popular.

Contestants, all cakes must be... at the judges' table in 60 seconds.

Ay. there's no way we're gonna make it through that crowd.

Like heck we won't. Here.

What? Follow my lead.

Okay. ¡Ay.! Ready? Come on!

Oh, well, look who finally put down his mallet.

You done having your little temper tantrum? It wasn't that bad.

Cam, your behavior was completely juvenile... and I don't think it set a very good example for-

Hey! Hey! No cutsies. For Lily.

I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated.

I-I can't seem to turn this team into a winner.

Why do you let it get you so stressed out? It's just football.

You know what football was to me? Football was my salvation.

Every time I stepped onto that field...

I wasn't the weird, gay outsider kid anymore.

I inspired my entire team because I had something to prove.

Where's my kid that has something to prove?

Come on, Mom! ¡Ay.!

Stay on my hip! Follow my lead! Move!

That's exactly what I need.

Come on, Mom! Cake?

Tell 'em the good news.

I won the cake contest! The other good news.

He made the football team. They won their first game.

And the guys love my banana bread.

Keep your eyes closed, and before you open them... remember that for 20 years... you have given me perfect, creative, thoughtful gifts... and every year, I have let you down.

You're about to feel really bad.

And I know that because it's how I have felt every year.

But, honey, it is not my intention, because I love you.

Happy anniversary. Oh, my God.

Chinese acrobats?

Twenty years. China. You're brilliant.

♪ I want to know what love is ♪ You got it! Hey, guys, you're my present!

Oh! Oh, what's that?


That's the helicopter. I should get in there. No, no.

They're- They're here for you. They're here for you.

♪ I want to feel what love is ♪ Oh. Honey.

♪ I know you can show me ♪♪

Don't worry. It was just a couple of beers.

And if you cleaned it up-

Okay, Haley, I love you too. Bye-bye.

'Scuse me, ma'am.

I hear you're a wanted woman.

What you see can and will be held against you.

You're gonna have to arrest me first.

Bring me some wine.

Mr. P., I have a confession to make.

I'm taking a much more interesting confession upstairs.

After Joe went down...

I had a sip of beer by the pool and a bottle broke.

It was me. I did it.

Don't sweat it. I've popped a cold one... after dealing with those kids- sometimes during.

Thanks, Mr. P. And hey-

Be careful up there. We're not that close.