Modern Family S5E8 Script

ClosetCon '13 (2013)

How the hell did they lose our reservation?

Dad, you were married to Mom for 30 years. What's another couple nights on a couch?

I'm gonna call for the cot, and I'm gonna try to squeeze 'em on that 9.95 Wi-Fi fee.

They're selling air.

ClosetCon is the premier North American trade show for the closet industry.

I stopped going years ago 'cause it's a trade show for the closet industry.

Thank you.

This schedule is incredible.

Dad, there's a 10:45 session on sustainable materials.

We have got to hit that.

Mmm, but it overlaps with 00 a. m. panel on paneling.

And a breakout session on shoe storage.

The convention floor is for suckers.

All work is done at the bar.

Unless Tony G. and Layla are singing standards... in which case, no work- prepare to be entertained.

Dad, I came here to learn, not sit in the bar and drink.

You do what you want. I'm getting a scotch.

Well, I do need to meet everybody.

Ooh, good. Breakfast.

Breakfast? Try lunch.

We wake up early on the farm. Sure do.

There's our sleepy city mouse.

Let's get you all squared away here. Yeah, I got it.

Down here. Down here?

I forgot how much work there was to be done around here.

I've been mendin' fence all mornin'.

Been mendin', have you?

Missouri. Misery. Huh.

What a pigsty, huh? Cute.

Daddy went to town. He's gonna be there till supper, so I'm helpin' Mama slop the pigs.

You wanna pitch in?

I don't know. I just ate that bacon, so how's that gonna look?

Wanna ring the dinner bell, lil bomber?

That's actually really quaint. Is it one of those little triangles-

Sooey!

Hoo!

Loudest call in the tri-county area.

Do it again! No, sweetheart. I think once was enough.

Sooey!

Wow! There's actually an animal that runs toward that sound, huh?

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey,♪♪

Hey! Hello, hello!

Did you make the reservation? Yeah, 7:00.

Fun family time with this little newsie and a steak dinner?

Who says people at the closet convention get all the fun?

No one. No one says that.

I am telling you. The way he looked at me when I came to the door, it is so on.

Kind of seemed like he was just delivering pizza, and you were giving him money.

What are you guys talking about?

Chuck, the pizza guy from last night.

He's shy and thoughtful and wears a Princeton sweatshirt.

Hardly Haley's type. Oh, my God. You love him.

What? No, I- How would you say I love him? He's been to our house exactly three times.

That's ridiculous, Haley. Don't even look at me. This is so stupid.

She loves him.

Hey, Manimal. How was picture day?

You know what's super helpful? When the guy in line behind you calls you Mt. Sweatmore.

I was trying to relax you. Hey.

It was right in front of you- Brad Pit Stains.

Come on, Luke. It's okay.

Whoa. New security system?

You can see the backyard, the front door, the garage- everywhere.

Yeah. Can't take any chances... since Mom gave birth to the Hope Diamond over there.

There is a room off the kitchen at Jay's house that's always locked.

I try it every time I'm there.

I've spent countless hours imagining that that room is a house of treasure... a palace of ceaseless wonder.

It's real.

Hello, old friend.

Would you look at that?

What? That's coconuts!

No!

Whoa. Is that- A replica of Apollo 13.

Look at the detail.

You can almost see the astronauts drinking teeny-tiny Tang.

Can I hold it? No.

You have any idea how valuable this is?

And your fingers are covered in cheese dust.

There.

No! Luke, wait! Hey guys, knock it off.

Whoa-ho!

Don't worry, Gloria. I got it.

Dios mío. Nobody panic!

This is a collector's edition. It's 40 years old!

We're gonna have to improvise. Gloria, call the steak house and cancel.

Um- Manny, find some glue. Luke, let's get these parts into the garage.

I know this seems impossible, but we can do this!

Hello, Houston's? We have a situation.

Hi. We're with ClosetCon. All access.

She doesn't care. You're the only dope wearing that here.

Give it to me. No. I like it.

Hey, Joel! Looking good, my friend.

Took a bath on automated closets. People aren't ready for that.

Jay Pritchett! Get your cute butt over here.

Who's that? An old friend.

I'm gonna go say hello. Why don't you get us a couple drinks?

Yeah. I'll do that.

Hi. Can I get a scotch and a white wine? Wow. Rowdy crowd, huh?

Trade shows. People get away from their families, get a little liquored up.

Yeah, I get that. Let's just say... when the name tags go on, the wedding rings come off.

I am not so on board with that.

Hey there. Classy.

Oh, you look so good!

My mom was pretty self-involved, and my dad traveled a lot for work.

So yeah, I did wonder if- You know?

Not that I could blame him.

My friend Alison's mom greeted her every day after school... with a big hug and a giant smile.

And I always thought, "Yeah. Wouldn't mind a piece of that."

So are we doing this? I'll bring it to your room this afternoon.

We have a little tradition at ClosetCon for rookies, which Claire is this year.

We take a skeleton. We hide it in their closet.

They open the door and scream, and we all have a good laugh.

Can't take full credit for the idea.

We stole it from CabinetCon.

Hot cider!

Oh, yes! Thank you, Barb. Thank you so much.

It's chilly. Mmm. Wow, that's got a kick.

That'd be the rum. Ah.

I can feel it warming up your belly.

Eh, still in my mouth and throat.

Well, what's that? Boy, it's starting to get nippy, huh?

You guys wanna walk down to the duck pond?

That sounds lovely. I'll get the gun.

Are y'all comin'?

Y'all? We don't say "y'all." Yeah, we do.

Well, yeah, we say it here, but not normally.

Well, did you ever think this is how I really talk... and that I talk "different-like" when I'm not here?

Y'all fightin'? No, no, sweetie.

We're just having a conversation about how your daddy can be so stuck up. use our daughter to get your little digs in.

I would never do that, sweetie.

You don't think I notice how condescending you are when we come here?

You just set on the porch, you roll your eyes, don't participate in anything.

And yeah, I said "set." But that's how we talk here.

I'm from this place. I'm proud of this place.

And it hurts me that the man I love just thinks it's some big joke.

Come on, sweetie.

Lord-a-mercy.

I'm starving. What are we gonna do about dinner?

I checked with Dad, and I ordered a couple pizzas from Theo's.

I knew it! You're stalking my pizza guy!

He is not into you, okay?

Does he call you Brown Eyes and give you extra mozzarella sticks?

Okay. That's it, you two. You cannot fight over men like it's jewelry or shoes.

If you're both interested, no one makes a move.

Sisters before misters!

Stalker! Trollop.

Ha, ha. Don't know what it means.

Ow! What did you do?

Nothing! Yes, you did!

You turned it on, and now the propeller's all tangled up.

Why would I do that? 'Cause my pizza guy is coming... and now I have airplane in my hair!

I swear I didn't, Haley. Okay. I'll get it out.

Oh, my God. Ow!

What is happening? I don't know!

Oh! You find a little toy?

Hey. Was that Aunt Marge just tearin' down the driveway?

Yes, and she dropped off a little present.

Is that my Cam-Cam?

Gram-Gram! Oh, you.

There have been some storm warnings, so Marge thought she'd be safer over here.

But she dropped her off so fast that we didn't even have a chance to straighten up.

Oh.

We never told Gram about the gay.

You know, after they reach a certain age... you worry that it could be the thing that sends 'em over the edge.

And she's been on the edge for a long time.

We're actually on deathbed number two.

Mitchell! Mitchell.

Okay. What-What's this?

This is me ready to slop, bale or milk somethin'.

You don't need to do that. No, I- Cam, I know. I know.

I gave you hell for being who you really are, and I wanna make that up to you.

But you know what? Putting on my sister's Sunday overalls is gesture enough.

What's this? Oh, it's my chewin' straw.

It's not straw. Oh, it's just show.

For show! Wait. Come on.

You love the man, you love the world he comes from.

But you know what- I don't know if it's these farmin' clothes or what... but I am feeling so close to you right now. That's so sweet.

Gimme a kiss. No, not right now.

Well, don't make me wrassle you down.

Stop.

Who's this? Oh, dear.

Uh- Well, Grams, this is Bud, our new farmhand.

Bud? Yeah.

Bud's a little simpleminded on account of gettin' mule kicked.

Isn't he? And you know the rules on bein' in the house, Bud.

Now go on outside. We're gonna milk the cows in a few minutes.

Get on out there. Have a treat afterwards.

Here's what we've got to work with. Nicely done.

I've got Florida on the line.

Dad, I'm flying you in. You're the model expert.

What are we looking at, Son?

Holy Moses. More like Apollo 1300pieces!

Oof. In space, I guess no one can hear you be hilarious.

I need you to focus. If Jay sees this-

I know. Dad, you got three good men here depending on you.

Say no more. I'm gonna tap a button now..

That's either gonna make you larger on my screen or-

We've lost Florida.

Yeah. Bring the skeleton up now. I just got to the room.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, honey. I thought we were meeting at the restaurant.

Well, the lecture got done a little early, and I was kind of the star of the evening.

I got a huge laugh when I coined the phrase "shelf-esteem." Huh?

Yeah? Okay, I'll text it to Phil.

Why don't you go down to the lobby? You'll get a stronger signal.

Oh. Hello. Rita.

This is my daughter, Claire. Hi.

Claire, this is Rita. Your dad and I go way back.

First time we met, I told him he needed a course in hanger management. it's still funny.

Seriously?

Her husband's in the garment business. He made me a suit.

I make the closets, and he fills 'em. Match made in heaven.

Honey, they're kind of sticklers at that restaurant.

Why don't you grab our table? I'll put this in the room.

Uh, okay. Will do.

Um, really nice to meet you. See you downstairs.

I actually am gonna take the stairs. That elevator's slow.

Hey, was it just me, or was she lookin' at me weird?

I did kind of sense that. You don't think she knows about our deal?

How could she? it was 20 years ago.

And I never told anyone.

Would she even care?

That I tried to get rid of the man she ended up marrying?

Well, it's not like you took a hit out on him.

You had me offer him a job in the greatest state in the union.

Okay, Tex.

If I never said anything, how could she know?

You're not the first one I approached. You're just the first one who said yes.

I'm done. I am done.

Come on. Please. Just be Bud. For a couple days.

You can do some chores. Maybe I can berate you a bit to really sell it.

Do you hear how insane you sound? Chores?

You know what? Deal with your grandmother however you want.

Lily and I will just go get a hotel room. No, you can't.

Fine. Motel. Silo. Whatever you got around here.

No, that alarm means there's a tornado coming right now.

God. Well, where's Lily? I hope she's not still out in the field.

Lily!

You can't just call her like a pig. Lily!

This is just a farm thing, not, like, a mall thing.

What's that, city voice? Mmm? Just go.

This is really in there good.

Get her off of me! I'm getting dumb through osmosis.

I don't have osmosis.

Oh, great. Chuck's here with the pizza.

Gloria, can you please get it? No.

You two be nice to each other and figure it out.

Ow! Ow!

Oh, hey, Chuck. I didn't think you'd be working tonight.

Hey. What are you doing here? Oh, this is my grandfather's house.

There's a pool. Do you swim? You look like you swim.

I do. Oh, thanks.

Oh.

You okay? Oh, yeah. Totally.

Just a cramp. I work out. One second.

You little- Dude. Shut up.

Hey, you! Hey, Brown Eyes.

Ow! Uh-

Here. All right. Okay, cool. Thanks. Bye!

Bye! No! Shut the door!

Don't be nervous, honey.

There's nothing to be scared of.

Take it easy, Mama. Don't break a hip. I am telling you.

I am not pretending to be something I'm not, especially in front of our daughter.

Oh, so I can't kiss you in front of your dad for six years?

And you can't give me two days? We're saving an old lady some unnecessary upset.

Why don't you give her a little credit? She might be more open-minded than you think.

Well, you're a cute little Chinese thing.

Actually, Grams, she's, uh, from Vietnam.

And her name's Lily.

Dad, how long do I have to stay down here?

Dad?

Okay. Well, I guess there's no way around this.

Actually, ma'am, she's my kin.

So you got a Chinese wife, Bud?

No, I-I went to Vietnam, and I did myself some adoptin'.

And now I'm raisin' her, all by my lonesome.

Well, I never thought I'd live long enough to see that!

None of us did.

But I guess there's nothing more important than family, no matter how they come.

Well, that is mighty open-minded of you.

Some folks 'round these parts... don't share that progressive- I say, progressive- sensibility.

To each his own.

But I do wish I had another little one like that to spoil.

What if I told you you did have a great-grandbaby?

What? Cam.

It's okay, Mama.

What if I told you I was in love... and that I've never been happier in my entire life... and that I'm about to get married?

I can't think of anything better!

And what if I told you the love of my life... is this man standing right here?

Then I'd know why God sent us this tornado.

After the initial shock, Grams softened a bit.

She even agreed to attend the wedding.

Standing outside with a sign.

Baby steps, Mitchell. Baby steps.

And... our antenna is... reattached!

Yes! Ha!

Oh, this is useless.

Hey! I don't wanna hear talk like that.

If you want inspiration, think about Apollo 13.

Jay didn't give up when he first put together this model.

It was hard and complicated... and back then the print on the instructions was tiny, but he persevered.

Also, the astronauts on the actual Apollo 13 didn't give up... when their actual lives were in danger.

Them too, but they had a lot of other people helping them out. We're on our own here.

Ok.ay. I figured out what we need to reattach that damn landing module.

Glue won't work We needa very thin filament, thinner than thread I know what would work.

Well, I need to go check. on something I told my date I'd be back in a jiff.

Back in a jiff.

Nothing to do but wait.

Why are we making ourselves crazy, Phil?

I don't know. I just hate disappointing Jay so much.

He is not an easy guy to please.

I know. But when you do, it's pretty sweet, ain't it? Sure is.

You're lucky to have a dad like that.

Hard not to be hurt by that, Son.

How have I never noticed how loud you breathe?

Aw, don't beat yourself up. That'd require you to notice something that isn't about you.

Oh, my God. You are such a loser!

Okay! That's it! I cannot listen to this anymore!

I'm going to cut you two out of that plane.

Too late!

Okay, okay! Just cut mine. Yeah, cut hers.

Wait, why? No one cares what I look like anyway.

You don't really think that. Yeah, well, kind of.

You didn't see the way that Chuck was looking at you?

Wait. You actually think I'm a threat?

I'm not gonna say that out loud.

Aw, that's so sweet.

Well, if I ever had a boyfriend, I wouldn't trust him with you for five seconds.

Aw!

Okay, let's finish this job- Gloria, no!

Wait! There you go.

That's it. That was easy.

Why did you wait an hour to do this?

Why did you wait 15 years to do that?

At least this way, nothing bad happened to anyone's pretty hair.

¡Ay.!

Oh, honey. I didn't hear you come in. Mmm.

How was the rest of your night?

Let's see. After you bailed on me, Mark from Closetopia yakked my ear off... and then told me I looked like Heidi Klum, which is such an obvious come-on.

Mark's gay. Well, in that case, my night stank.

And I didn't bail. I know a lot of people here.

They pulled me away. Hmm.

Hey, these robes are terrific. You know, there's one for you in the closet.

You oughta put it on. I don't want a robe.

Dad, were you avoiding me tonight?

Why would I avoid you?

Trust me. Soft, like butter. Right in there.

Don't make me ask.

What are you talking about?

You and Rita, 20 years ago. It's okay, I know.

Aw, geez. I get it. Things happen.

Really? It was a long time ago.

Well, I appreciate it. I just wanna say, I'm not proud of it.

If I had known him then like I know him now...

I never would've tried to get rid of Phil. Good night.

Get rid of Phil? What are you talking about?

What are you talking about? You and Rita had an affair.

No, we didn't. That's crazy! Well, okay. Good night.

Get rid of Phil- What does that even mean? Doesn't mean anything.

You had just started dating. You know I was never hot on the guy.

I told Rita to offer him a sales job in Texas.

I remember that, but that wasn't when we were dating. We were engaged.

Doesn't matter. Phil didn't take the job anyway.

If anything, my little test proved how much he loved you.

You're welcome. We'll talk in the morning.

How dare you? "You're welcome." Please!

I can't even be in the same room with you.

Where is my coat? Uh, Claire?

Oh, unbelievable.

"I don't like my son-in-law, so I'm gonna ship him off to Texas."

Real mature way to deal with your problems, Dad. I get that point.

Yeah, real mature.

That's real mature too.

That's tradition. it's the skeleton-

In the closet! Oh, I get it.

I'm really sorry.

But before you go storming out of here... you wanna talk about a certain phone call I got from immigration a few years ago?

I'd just started dating Gloria. They were acting on an anonymous tip?

It's very late.

We have a very big day tomorrow.

You know, Claire, I've really come to like Phil.

I know.

And the irony is, he would really love that skeleton gag.

Try it out on him. You gotta take care of that thing till next year.

Oh, God.

Before you turn that out... have we talked about everything we need to?

'Cause I want everything out in the clear here.

Yeah. We have. Good night.

I did make out with Rita once, about 15 years ago. Good night.

Okay.

All that's left... is to reattach the lander to the command module.

We got one shot at this, fellas.

If we fail, Jay's gonna burn up on reentry into this house. Am I right?

Ha! Hole in one, Son. Thanks, Dad.

Boys, if this thing goes sideways, I don't want you to be here to see it. So go on.

But, Dad- No, you listen to me!

Okay, Phil.

Okay, Philip.

Steady, He's locked in.

Not now, nerves.

Hold. Hold.

Be a hero. Bring her home.

I guess I'll calla cab. So long Jeanine.

Is it? Is- it is! Splashdown!

Whoo!

¡Ay. sì, gracias!

Son of a bitch did it.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah! Gloria, get in here!

There we go! Dad, you did it!

Yes, I did! I love it!

I love it! I love it!

Oh, my God.

Phil, honey! Come to bed!

This robe feels like butter.

Yeah! I missed this, honey.

That yoga's really paying off!

Hey, whoa, slow down, baby.

You can't gun a cold engine.

But if you're- Then who's-

When did you know? When it didn't complain about my socks.

You checked the closet, didn't you?

Every night before bed.

I really don't understand that. It's so silly.

I mean, if somebody really wanted to kill you... obviously they'd just hide under the bed.

Good night.

Damn it.