Modern Family S5E9 Script

The Big Game (2013)

I have to show a house today. I'll see you guys at Luke's football game.

I'm too tired to go. I have a midterm tomorrow, which I'll probably fail... and I was up really late studying.

She was. I was up really late doing this.

Don't even bother coming. I'm quitting today.

I'm sick of this guy on the team always making fun of me.

He's just jealous 'cause you're the one who puts points on the board.

Why? Because you run the scoreboard. Run the scoreboard.

I'm out too. But all your classmates will be there.

We ignore each other all week. It's nice to have a little break on the weekends.

Geez, I've never seen such a bunch of no-getters.

Coined it! Remember, keep a positive attitude... and good things will happen.

Two things I bring to every open house- my lucky pen and a smile.

I haven't sold a house all month. Do you see me saying, "I'm done"?

Never. Because there is no "done" in "Dunphy."

I'll see you guys at the game. Umph!

Hey, there is no "umph" in "Dunphy." Different spelling.


Yes, Phil, I remember your special play... but I think the triple gull-wing is a little tricky to run... at such an important sporting match.

Cam has a number of delightful superstitions during the football season.

Well, they're not superstitions when they work.

That seems science-y.

Not sorry that today is the last... G-A-M-E.

Well, thank you, but good coaches don't need luck.

We make luck.

See you at the athletic endeavor.

I'm gonna call Gloria and see if she can pick up Lily too.

You know, just in case-

What, you procrastinate again and not tell Charlie you're quitting?

No, no. I'm gonna do it.

I just- I'm picturing his face when I tell him... shaking his head in disappointment.

It's hard. Hey!

That is not quitter talk. Now you know what you want.

I want you to get in there, man up and just do it!

No. - I don't know why you're making yourself so crazy over this.

You're right. You're right. I do not want to be crazy.

I'll see you at the game.

Hey, Gloria. Yes, Mitch. I will pick her up.

Thank you so much. All right. Bye, Lily.

Good luck with the whole Patrick situation.

Dad, you're embarrassing me.

Welcome to the rest of your life, sweetheart.

So, Lily, tell me more about this Patrick.

He likes the swings, he sits by the flag and he can count to a hundred.

He sounds like the whole package.

Then what is the problem? He doesn't notice me.

So then make him notice you.

You don't want to wake up one morning... as a lonely nine-year-old wondering where all the time went.

Hey, Mom. if you're at the store later, could you pick up some ice?

I'm gonna need it for after the game. My little athlete.

I want to try out the gelato maker I traded my bike for.

Lures me in every time. Oh, okay. Bye.

Dad, you can just drop me at the next light.

I can walk from there, and I gotta call Phil anyway.

You did the same thing yesterday. What's going on with you?

You smoking again? No! No.

I just- I don't want to put a spotlight on the fact that I'm the boss's daughter.

It makes people resent me. This is good.

Thanks, Dad. Yeah.

Bye. Bye.

I can see that bothers you.

Well, yeah. Your own kid embarrassed to be seen with you. You know, I mean-

You spend your whole life- Oh, here's fine.

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey,♪♪

Last month, a law school classmate... offered me a job at his legal aid society... and I just knew I had to take it.

I miss the courtroom, the passion it brings out in me.

When I'm fighting for something that I believe in, I'm pretty fearless.

And I explained that... in a letter that I was going to sneak onto Charlie's desk.

Oh, good. it's you.

Hey! Did you sleep here?

My girlfriend dumped me, uh, in an e-mail.

Couldn't even do it face-to-face.

Pretty gutless, huh? Oh, you should go home, get some rest.

Can't go back there. it would be too hard.

Mmm. Too many memories?

No, we were living on my boat. I don't know where she took it.

Enough of my whining. What do you need? Oh, well, I just-

I just came by to say hi.

Hi. And also, mmm... to tell you in a very gutful fashion, face-to-face... about something that I have been thinking about.

But I do think that, um...

I am going to have to leave about five minutes early today.

Uh, Cam is- is coaching a high school football game.

I'm in. What?

Certainly not gonna be able to focus on any of this today.

Yeah, I need a shot of marching bands... fresh-cut grass, rosy-cheeked kids.


Do they still run through a banner? They do!

I love that. I love that.

Okay, so the game's at what, like, 4:00?

We should probably- Hey! Give me that.

I'm- This is my private cell.

Only three people in the whole world use this.


Two people. Okay.

Should we drive together?

Do you think I'm handsome?

Or we could take separate cars. Easier.

Okay. Let's go.

Uh, Claire, is there a reason... you didn't sign this shipping form?

Oh, no. Sorry. I'll do it now.

Oh, no, no. Now's a little late.

See, they came in this morning... and they can't do a thing without a manager's signature.

So now I got a hundred rosewood panels lined up in the warehouse.

So in the future, I'd appreciate it-

Hey, hey, Tim. I think you made your point.

It was an honest mistake, all right? Dad-

I'm just saying that is what a warehouse is for- to hold things.

Not the end of the world. Right. Of course. Sorry.

No, I'm sorry. It's my fault. Bye, Tim. Bye!

Dad! This is exactly what I was talking about in the car this morning.

I want them to see me like a coworker... not somebody who's getting special treatment 'cause she's the boss's daughter.

Is it possible you're being a little oversensitive here?

No, I'm not. I'm being- Wow, here? Really?

You know, you gave me this. Look how adorable you were.

Okay, okay, okay. I want you to try really hard to hear what I'm saying.

When I need your help, I will ask for it.

And until then, just butt out.

What happened to you?

Hey, Miller, your toes are looking a little lonely. Why don't you pay 'em a visit?

What's with the extra warm-ups, Coach? These guys haven't won all year.

Did you hear that, team?

Miller just bought you a little present.

I wasn't complaining. I was just wondering-

Take a lap!

Burt LeVoisier, Red Stagg...

Duckie Pond-

All coaching legends at this high school... and none have won more than two games their first season.

I win today that makes three... making me the winningest first-year freshman coach ever.

Oh, hey, Luke. Reuben's sick, so I'm gonna need you to be the announcer today.

How am I supposed to keep score and announce at the same time?

Same way you're a spaz and a dork at the same time, spork.

Okay, lose the attitude, but keep that intensity.

Uh, excuse me, ref. What's with all the black armbands?

Their coach passed away last night.

He'd been sick for a while.

That's terrible. And we're still playing?

Well, they're tough kids.

Roger Knight lived for high school football... so they're playing this one in his honor.

Okay. Hey, guys. Guys, guys, guys. Tragic news about Coach Knight.

But you know what? We need to focus up.

Plenty of time to pay our respects, but there will be no mourning Knight this afternoon.

Lot of character over there. Yep.

Those kids haven't won a game all year. Uh-huh.

And now to have to play on his birthday-

Okay, see you at the coin toss.

Top of the morning!

Real estate- and to a lesser extent, life- is all about perseverance.

Things go wrong Keys get lost, deals fall through, keys get misplaced.

Lot of it has to do with keys.

But that's when you find out there are two types of people- those who waste time staring at a closed door... and those who find a window

I'm looking at my first month ever without a sale.

Some people might give up.

But those people aren't Phil Dunphy No!

It's like I tell my kids- keep a positive attitude, and things will fall your way.

As my favorite redhead once sang the sun will come out tomorrow

That redhead, of course, was Mitchell... introducing me to the plucky Orphan Annie...

whose never-say-die attitude pulled this country out of a little thing called..

The Great Depression.

And anything a little girl can do, I can try to do too.


Hey, guys, welcome back. Drink it in.


Pretty great, huh? Oh, am I glad you guys could see this during the daytime.

I really think it shows better like that.

So? Should we just cut to the chase and pay me my commission?

I'm kidding. You don't pay me directly.

There is no fee in Dun- Phil.

Listen, Phil, we've got some great news. I love it!

Where's my lucky pen?

We wanted to tell you this in person.

We just came from the doctor- I'm pregnant!

Oh, my God! You guys!

Except we decided to put off buying the house until after the baby's born.

Sure. We've been trying for, like, six years.

Sure. For a while it seemed like the universe was against us.

That's ridiculous. Why would the universe be against one person?

So sorry we wasted your time.

Are you kidding?

You know what, guys?

Best of luck. Thanks.

Here, have a spirit sticker!

Don't be the only student without one.

I actually go to this school.

Wow, you really are invisible, huh?

I could not be more fine with it.

You're like that guy from that movie who wishes he was never born.

It's a Wonderful Life.

You say that, but do you mean it?

Beautiful day here at Red Stagg Field.

Kicking off for the home team is number 44, Jason Miller... who also plays lacrosse, soccer... and all the girl parts when he and his friends act out High School Musical- quite possibly the only girl parts he'll ever see.


Hey, Dylan. I didn't realize you were coming here.

Are you kidding? This place was like a home to me.

It's like I was homeschooled.

But I wasn't. I was school-schooled.

Were you?

Same old Alex.

Yeah, she does look old.

Isn't it crazy being back?

I know. I've been thinking about this place a lot lately.

I keep on having this dream where I'm back here... only I'm totally prepared for all my tests.


I got six kinds of pills in my pocket, but this here- all this- this is the best medicine.

Aw. I'm glad you're feeling better.

So, Charlie-

I'm here to get Lily. Oh, before I call her, we had a small issue today.

One of the boys, Patrick, said Lily pushed him down and tried to kiss him.

No, that doesn't sound like Lily.

She was probably imitating something she saw on TV or in her family-

No, it was the TV, yes.

Oh, but here she is. She's always so sweet.

Bye, Patrick!

You see? They're just friends.

What are you laughing at, Evan? You're next.

Okay, I'm going to talk to her for a little bit.

Remember sneaking down here and making out during biology? it seemed like forever ago. Time is strange.

Yeah. Also, weather is weird.

Oh, did I ever tell you that I put your name up here?

Huh. "Haley Dunphy Dome."

Aww, you named our special spot?

Actually, it was supposed to be "Haley Dunphy Do Me."

I'm bad with spacing.

Oh, you're not so bad.

And that's halftime- Panthers 6, Dolphins 0.

That zero score by Jason Miller, who proudly prances off the field.

Just let me go up there and kick that kid's butt.

Knock it off, Miller. I need your leg. Take a knee.

Now I don't know what tuna net you Dolphins swam into, but you are drowning out there.

Coach, would it really be such a bad thing if we lost?

Beg your pardon? Look at them, Coach.

Haven't they lost enough already?

Maybe giving them a win would, in a way, be a victory for us too.

You know what mattered most to Coach Knight?

His work with special-needs kids?

Okay, he took one kid to one beach one time.

Football! Football is what mattered the most!

He lived for competition!

He believed in sportsmanship, integrity! Okay?

Now the way I see it, we can roll over... and give them an empty, meaningless victory that he would hate.

Or we can go out there, leave it all on the field... and be a team he would be proud to lose to.

Now is this an "I" activity or a "we" activity?

We! What?

We! What?

We! We! We! We! We!

That's right! Now you sound like Dolphins!

Hey, Tim.

I have the next three days of delivery slips for you here signed, huh?

Thanks, Claire. Yeah.

Signed those up good, huh? Yep. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Thanks.

So, this is- This is the, uh, the Regency birch?

Beautiful model. Gorgeous.

You guys do such good work down here.

Mm-hmm. Really, you- you mind if I take her for a spin... before she goes up to the showroom?

You're the boss. I'm his daughter.

Yeah, that's what you want to say.

Oh, okay. So- So no mirror when they're shipping, which makes sense.

Also have, uh, no handles.

Hey. Hey, Tim?

Hey, Tim?


Oh, God. Yeah, hi, Dad.

Hey, coworker.

Just seeing when you want to leave for the game.

We're late already. Soon, soon.

I'm- I'm just- I'm finishing up a little paperwork in my office.

Okay. Let me know if you need any help.

No, I do not need your help, and as I believe I mentioned...

I would appreciate it if you were not constantly looking over my shoulder.

Come on. Give me some credit. That's the last thing I would do.

Dad, you seem to forget that I raised three children... and I had a career before this.

I have done plenty of stuff that does not- Oh!

Do you hear that? Sounds like it's coming from the warehouse.

Yeah, what even is that?

Oh, I'm sure it's nothing.

Uh, one piece of advice- take it or leave it.


The latch is under the panel on the right.

Great effort! I like the hustle!

I always have.

All right. We're still in this!

I got you mustard and sauerkraut- just what you like.

You're being awfully nice, considering I started that whole closet-nado.

Well, you're still my daughter. It's okay I call you that here, right?

Yeah. - Listen, it's hard for me to treat you like everybody else.

You're the only one I carried home in my arms.

Except Dontrell at last year's Christmas party.

I pretty much poured him through his sunroof.

But I'll try.

Thanks, Dad. You got plans this weekend?

No, not really. Why? Good.

Be at the warehouse 8:00 tomorrow.

Wear something you don't care about.

Hey, guys. Hi, honey.

What'd I miss? Nothing good.

We're down by six with three minutes to play.

Well, they can still turn it around.

Show's not over till the fat- Mama!

Ooh! Sensational punt by Miller... who hasn't kicked that high since he broke the gender barrier... and joined our own modern dance troupe.

Are you okay, honey? Yeah! it's all about keeping an attitive positude.

Positude attitive.

I'm gonna get you some ice.

Gosh, it's bright here. Why don't you sit down?

Yeah, I would love a nap. Thank you.

Sit down. There you go.

Hey, we should see a midnight movie tonight, like old times.

Oh, my God. I am so in.

Cool, cool. I'll come by your house 30 with the ladder?

I don't need to climb out of my window anymore, Dylan.

Oh. Ooh. Can we do it earlier? I have a midterm tomorrow.

Oh, I can't do earlier. I have got to meet up with some classmates from nursing school.

You're gonna be a nurse? Yeah. Yeah, I figured it was a natural next step.

I've always healed people with my music... and now I'm just doing the same thing with drugs.

Oh. Well, another time then.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, if everything goes well, maybe one day I'll see you in the hospital.

I'd like that.

So I finally get out of the closet, and there's Dad looking down at me.

Been there.

The whole daddy thing though- it's really one of your bigger issues.

At least my daddy issues are with my actual daddy.

I don't run around making every authority figure I meet into a father.

Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wh-What's that supposed to mean?

Mitchell, come on. Why have you not quit your job yet?

His girlfriend just broke up with him.

What was your excuse last week? I had a cold.

And the week before? I felt a cold coming on.


This fell out of your jacket.

Care to explain? I was holding it for a friend.


You want to quit?

Charlie, you're- you're a great boss... but I got this other offer, and I just really miss the courtroom.

Well, I'm not gonna lie to you.

You're really letting me down.

Oh. I just expected so much more out of you.

Oh. You were my favorite.

Oh, God. Um-

Well, maybe I could- I could still do things on the weekends.

Wow! No, no! Charlie, I'm- I'm sorry.

I- I'm done.

You know what?

I don't blame you.

I have to get back on solid ground.

Oh, we both do.

Well, I do more. My house is a boat.

You made me in trouble.

I didn't tell you to sit on a boy until he liked you.

Yes-huh. Nuh-huh.

We're not doing this again.

Home team calls time-out.

Twelve seconds left, they're down by six... and unable to shake the Miller curse.

That's it!

Okay, boys, final play. Time for a little trickery.

But, Coach, you can't be serious. Serious as a heart attack.

A little soon, Coach. Shh!

Oh, honey, what happened to you today?

A cosmic pummeling. I lost the deal.

If I don't close on one tomorrow... it's gonna be my first month ever with no sale.

Actually, there is no 31 st this month.

What are you talking about? Tomorrow's the first.

Honey, I'm sorry. Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay. I just found out there's literally no tomorrow!

You know how I always say if you wait long enough, your luck will change?

Turns out that's just a big pile of-

Hold on to your hats, folks.

Are they- They are!

It's the triple gull-wing!

That's my play.

Woodson fakes right. He fakes right again.

He fakes faking right, and he scores!

They scored on my play!

Touchdown! Mitchell says you can sell me a house.

Yes, I can. Good call, Phil. Was that your play?

Yes, it was. You're being too rough, Lily.

You cannot just see a guy and, mwah, kiss him like that, okay?

Yes, you can. Yes, you can.

Okay! Okay! Miller's out. Manny, you're my backup kicker. I need you to go and nail this.

Although if I miss it, wouldn't a tie be a perfect way to-

Manny, enough! You are not gonna take away my victory!

I mean- I mean, your victory.


Manny, I'm sorry. I should not have yelled at you.

You can go out there and do whatever feels right.

Okay? I support you no matter what.

Pro set!

Hut, hike!

I won! I won!

I mean, we won! We won. We won!

Sorry, ma'am. Ma'am? I sit next to you in English.

Hey, I think I dropped my phone under the bleachers.

Come get it with me?

Found it. Great, and world order is restored.

Can we go home now?

Yeah. Okay. Oh, hey, what's that?

"Alex Dunphy Dome"?

Uh, I think it says, "Alex Dunphy Do Me."

Ugh, who would write something like that?

No idea.

Hey, you want me to scratch it out?

No! I mean, too late now.

It's out there, it's out there.

'Sup? Oh. Hey.

Hey, champ. Aren't you gonna go celebrate with your team?

Yeah, in a minute.

You meant to miss the kick, didn't you? I blew it.

I could miss that kick nine out of 10 times.

Why couldn't I miss it when it counted?

Let me ask you something.

The ball sails through the uprights... your team carries you off the field.

How does that feel?

Come on. Good.

It's fun being part of a team... and it's really fun being a hero.

So I think you made that kick on purpose.

And listen.

I don't think you're willing to admit it yet... but somewhere underneath all that humanity, there's a competitor.

Sorry. There's a competitor.

And, Manny, there's nothing wrong with that.


Thanks, Coach.

You want to go eat some pizza?

Sure. Me too.

Hey, you think someday they might name this field after you?

Well, you're not the first person to think along those lines.

Earlier today, someone in the faculty bathroom... was messing around with the phrase, "Cameron Tucker Dome."

Just sold the most expensive house in town, sight unseen, all cash.

How 'bout that? I'm proud of you, Dad.

Pretty great day for all the Dunphys.

And then I said, "Michelle, do you honestly believe every stupid rumor you hear?"

Oh, you haven't heard?

Well, apparently, one of my exes is just, like-

Tim, I-I am so sorry that you got hurt... and I will get to the bottom of it, but I suspect it was sabotage by the competition.

Maybe Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets.

Not too bad. A little puffy.

Kind of like your eyes were when you saw Finding Nemo, Miller.

Like I said- positive attitude.