Modern Family S6E1 Script

The Long Honeymoon (2014)


Oh! Let me get that, husband.

After a storybook wedding and a magical honeymoon, Mitchell and I are finally newlyweds.

Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable in your own chair?

[ scoffs ] there's no more "my chair" or "your chair."


We got back from our honeymoon several weeks ago, And it feels like it never --

Never ended? Oh, my gosh.

It's like we have one mind and one heart.

And one chair.

[ chuckles ] ha ha.

Happy three-month anniversary.

Oh, is that today? [ chuckles ]

So, listen, I have this boring cocktail thing at the office, But I should be home by 6:00, and then we can head to the party.

For you, dad. From dad. Again.

Flowers? But you just got me flowers yesterday.

Well, you also had cereal yesterday.

And I wouldn't mind having some today.

Sure was nice when this house wasn't full of bees.


[ birds chirping ]

More syrup for milady?

Why, thank you, kind sir.

Claire, do we still have any of those cookies that you and luke baked?

Are we the kind of family That has cookies for breakfast?

Yes, we are!

[ laughter ] yeah! Yeah!


[ gasps ] a butterfly!

[ muffled ] oh, my god!

We are having...

...The most perfect summer...


Don't get me wrong, the dunphys have had some great days.

We just have a little trouble stringing them together.

Our record was eight consecutive blissful days --

December 2007.

It was our hanukkah.

This summer, all the dunphys are just clicking.

Yeah, haley and luke are getting along, Alex is off building houses for the poor.

Which I know sounds awful, but she loves it. [ sighs ]

My fashion blog is blowing up.

I started doing these live video chats, And now I have over 50,000 subscribers!

Oh, plus, my hair has never looked better.

I'm not a religious person... But I just woke up.

Phil has been gardening.

I've had time to catch up and read the classics.

...When she isn't busy helping me With my magic-mirror disappearing trick.

I'm just gonna say it -- suddenly, I love magic.

I don't care if it's the middle of the day.

I just want to put you in a box and stick swords in you. [ chuckling ] oh.

If this summer wasn't magical enough, I haven't had a single bad plum!

Oh, my god!

So, the zipper -- oh, my god!

Phil: Oh, my god!

[ laughs ]

[ speaking spanish ]

[ woman speaking spanish ]

[ conversation continues ]

All: Manny!


Come! Talk to your cousins!

Hola! Man: ¿cómo estás, manny?

Manny, why you freeze the colombians?

If I talk to one of them, I have to talk to 50 of them.

Just do it as a birthday gift.

You always do this. Your birthday's not till next week.

Not mine. It's aunt rosario's 82nd birthday today.

That's why all the goats are wearing the party hats.


All: Manny! Hi, everyone.

[ woman speaking spanish ]

Ay! Pretty snazzy new cheaters, huh?

Five bucks. Wow.

I know, right?!

My husband is an older man, but he's not an old man.

But with the track suit and -- and now the glasses, It's like he just stopped trying lately.

Comfort is not everything.

My toes have been numb since my quinceanera.

We don't have to be at drinks till 5:00, So I'm gonna run a few errands, take these bad boys for a spin.

Ay, jay, why don't you wear that new outfit that I just got you?

Uh, a little flashy, that extra zipper.

Like a staircase to nowhere.

Yeah, but it makes you look very --

Honey, I'm so sorry. Right on your toes.

It's fine. You can drop a pay phone on my foot.

I don't feel a thing anymore. [ chuckles ]

Phil: And now, as my lovely assistant joins me, It's time to chant the incantation That will send this fair maiden into the sixth dimension.

Both: By the hat of merlin, by the witches of gramanthia, We do make this offering to you -- be gone!

Haley: [ gasps ] claire: Did I do it? Did I disappear?

[ doorbell rings ]

Almost. Just a little bit of forehead.

Oh, I can scrunch down. There's love.

Hey, guys.

Sweet! You brought the sifter.

Aw! Now I can start my rhubarb pie.

Ooh, can I help pick the rhubarb?

Lead the way, kitten.

Anybody want a plum? I'm good.

I'll grab you a roadie. [ both laugh ]

There is no easy way to ask this, but are you all high?

No, mitchell. We're happy.

Oh, I'm trying to get away from "happy."

All right, in the briefest possible way, Why don't you let me know what's going on?

Okay, cam refuses to let the honeymoon end.

Huh. I have a house full of flowers, endless romantic texts.

I know, I know, I sound like an ungrateful jerk.

You do. It's exhausting.

Not to mention impossible to reciprocate.

Phil: Oh, my god!

Do you think that maybe I should talk to him gently About taking it down a notch?

No, absolutely not. That never ends well.

Clearly you thought this said "be mean."

Phil, honey, no. No.

It's -- okay, don't worry, I...

And it wasn't even valentine's day. So your advice is to do nothing.

Yes, mitchell, as horrible as this sounds, You need to suck it up and let yourself be loved, And cam will end up dialing back the romance.

You might just miss it. I know I do.

Here we are. A plum for my peach.


Do you?

Here you go. Thank you.

Is he okay? He's mitchell.

Look, I didn't even want to talk about it.

We've had such a great thing going on here.

I don't want to let that kind of negativity in the house. [ door opens ]

[ door slams ] mmm.

Alex! Hey!

We didn't think you were coming back until next week.

I got a ride home early.

This has been the worst summer ever!

[ glass shatters in distance ]

Luke: Careful, you idiot! Haley: You're an idiot!

[ door slams ] huh.

And last night, My tent ripped, so I had to sleep Under a plywood board leaning up against a van.

Pass me a napkin. Is milady's arm broken?

Yours is about to be.

Alex: Not that I could sleep with all the rats.

And, by the way, If any of you start coughing up blood, my bad.

I think I brought back the plague.

What am I doing?

I think I left my backpack in the driveway.

Stop kicking me!

You're kicking me!

[ door slams ]

I'm sorry. I'm just fidgety today.

It's okay. A cookie might help.

Here's that napkin you wanted. [ door opens, closes ]

Alex: I got the mail!

Would it have killed you to give me one without ketchup on it?

Move! You have room!

No, move out! You're 40!

Phil: Okay. That's enough.

Luke, why don't you go water our garden.

Haley, just disappear for a minute.

Well, it's not like you could help with that.


Well, it's great having alex home, huh? So great.

You don't think that she's the reason why we --

No. No, I do not.

We both knew that this charmed summer Had to have a bump in it somewhere.

Yes. Yeah.

And it's not like alex coming home Could suddenly throw off our whole happy mojo.

How's that plum?

Great. Oh, my god.

There she is! There she is!

Oh, so happy to have you home, honey.

Oh, my god! It's a bat!

Aah! Claire: What's happening?!

Get it out of the house!

Haley: Get it away! Ew, ew, ew, ew! Aah!

Ew, ew, ew!

This is unbelievable.

The dry cleaner lost another one of my shirts.

You know that nice, red-white-and-blue hawaiian one?

Yes, that was a very nice one.

That's the fourth hawaiian shirt he's lost.

I'm telling you, this is a "dateline" story waiting to happen.

Manny: Great talking with you all, Hey, but someone wants to say hi.

No, no!

All: Jay! Hi, guys.

Woman: ¿cómo estás? Nope, still don't speak spanish.

Always so much fun seeing you guys, though.

Listen, I --

Gloria? Hmm?

Your cousin's wearing My black, yellow, and peach hawaiian shirt.

Ay, please, jay!

Like you're the only man in this whole wide world that owns that shirt.

These designer specs don't just make my eyes pop.

I can see the cigar burn I put on the left pocket.

It's a coincidence. There's a lot of those.

Like according to your uncle's hoodie here, He was on my track team at buchanan high.

Hey, guys. Tell you what.

Why don't we sample some american food for a change?

[ woman speaking spanish ] so, you're sending my clothes to colombia?

Just the old ones, and -- and they send most of them back.

And there it is.

Do you have a problem with the way I dress?

Jay, I love you very, very much.

And I love you very much, but that wasn't the question.

It's just that sometimes I feel like You could make a bigger effort on your appearance.

And there it is.

Please stop saying that.

It's just that I feel that lately You don't make an effort to look good for me, And I'm always making an effort to look my best for you.

For me? Sure. What?

Well, let's face it, you don't really doll up for me -- you do it for you.

You get your hair done, you get your nails done.

Oh, so you wouldn't mind if I stopped fixing myself up?

No, because I love you for you.

Mm. And since we're being honest, I actually think sometimes...

You overdo it.

And there it is.

You're using it wrong. No, this is good.

It's good to know that -- that you don't care.

This is gonna save me so much time in the future.

Good. Good!

All: Manny!

[ sighs ] why?

[ man speaking spanish ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

I don't care if it's cliché.

I love the convenience of a nice mini quiche.

You got a little, um...

Oh, no. Okay. Mm. Perfect.

Can the new guy embarrass himself any more? Hey, counselor.

What do I have to do to get you to drop that suit?

Cam, what are you doing here?

Surprising my "hugsband"! [ chuckles ] [ coughing ]

I'm hearing that term for the first time. Yeah.

So when will you guys be back?

Looks like somebody's entertaining a lady friend.

Maybe you'll pour her a nice, tall glass of manny-schewitz?

You know what? Sometimes just a straight answer. [ laughs ]

Gloria, can I get an e.T.A.? These are important clients.

I'd like them to still be alive when we get there.

Okay! I'm ready.

Seriously? What?

[ gasps ] ay, no! I'm so sorry!

I forgot this was drinks with your clients.

Hold on. Okay. [ panting ]

I'm ready now. Let's go.

Hey, there, superstar.

Haley: Moron! Luke: Derp!

It really hasn't been the same here without you.

Mm, so what do you got there?

Oh, college brochure!

You're gonna have your pick of schools.

[ chuckles ] you're our little genius.

I just hope -- what, claire? What do you hope?

Well, you have such a perfect record, I hope they don't hold it against you That this week you kinda... Well...

Don't want to say "quit."

You just did.

Are you trying to send me back to that hellhole?

No! It's -- honey, you're part of a team, And there are people relying on you, So when you just up and vanish like that, It sort of -- it --



Your mom just feels like it's unlike you To walk away from something.

At least I could walk away.

My tent-mate nail-gunned her foot to the floor.

She was just walking around in a circle screaming Until someone found her!

Why do you guys want to get rid of me so badly?

No one wants to get rid of you. It's just seven more days.

You'll feel good about finishing something you started, And then you join us for the perfect little summer We're having here. Were having until an hour ago.

Haley! Oh, my god. Okay, I see what this is.

You all are happier when I'm not here.

No, that's not true. Save it!

I'll get a ride back up there And you all can continue to enjoy Your perfect, little summer!

Alex, honey! Leave me alone!

[ door slams ]

Luke: We just got free cinemax!

Here's mitchell kissing a dolphin.

Oh, that's him kissing a tiger.

I'm the tiger. Rawr! [ laughs ]

We have fun, you know?

Were we supposed to bring our spouses?

Hey, cam? Cam, hey, look.

Um, this is kind of work-only.

Oh, please. They don't even know I'm here. [ mid-tempo music plays ]

[ gasps ] I love this song. Let's dance.

No, no. Nobody's -- nobody's dancing. Shh. Say it with your hips.

[ sighing ] o-kay.

Hey, uh, no, cam. Um... Hmm?

You know I love you, right? First man that ever did love me right!

[ chuckles ] we have fun. We do, we do, we do.

Um, so, look, I-I was thinking that maybe... Mmm.

We could turn the romance down Just a little bit, you know?

Because it's been getting a little bit --

I-I-I don't want to say over the top, but it --

Okay, I'm gonna need your help If we're gonna keep dancing here.

I feel like you're mad.

So, we had an informal vote over there... We're not dancing anymore.

Oh, good. Yeah.

You know herb might stop by, right?

He takes the pictures for the company newsletter.

Yes, I love "herb's blurbs."


[ singsong voice ] here come the doors!

[ singsong voice ] ah!

Usually all the good places have them!

I'm going to open them!

Oh, you're such a gentleman, jay.

I think I forgot my wallet.

Oh, don't worry.

I have some money here in my fanny pack, huh?

For god's sake, fine. You win.

I like it when you make yourself pretty.

I win! I just said you won.

Ay, jay, what you're feeling right now Is what I feel when you stop trying to look good for me.

No, I get it.

Then why did you stop trying?


Oh, forget it. It's too stupid.

A couple of months ago, I was shopping at barneys --

You know I like to stay current.

Anyhow, I'm coming out of the dressing room, And I see these two young guys laughing at me, You know, like "there's the old guy trying too hard."

You know, of course I get mad.

But I start thinking, "they're right, jay.

You're old. Just be old."

Ow! Listen to me, jay pritchett!

A lot of people assume That I married you because of your money, And that's only a very, very small part of it. I'd like to go back to that.

I married you because you were sexy.

Who knows for how long that's gonna last, For either of us.

So we have to keep making an effort for each other.

Next time you go to barneys, I go with you.

Maybe you're just making the wrong choices.

Not always.


You want to have a drink? I can change.

No, I think I'll text them, tell them I was sick.

Let's go home. You said I was sexy.

[ shrieks ]

Okay, bye, rosa. Thank you.


What's up, dude?


What, is that too romantic for you?

He loves me not...

He loves me not...

He loves me not.

Okay, can we talk? Actually, no. I'm kind of busy.

I'm assuming you forgot it's our three month-iversary.

Well, I foolishly set up a celebration That I will kindly get rid of. Cam!

No, I didn't forget, But that's what I want to talk to you about.

You've been a little bit --

See, look. This is what I'm talking about.

You got me another present.

Don't touch that.

Oh, my -- my heart!

What heart?

[ panting ]

Cam! Come on!

Okay, listen.

I know how lucky I am to have you, But I can't possibly keep up with this level of affection...

Oh, boy. Cam: I apologize! I'm a monster!

No, obviously, I'm the monster.

Obviously. [ blows out candles ]

You know, can I just point out That when we were in cabo, You didn't seem to mind all the flowers...

Yeah, but -- ...Or the back rubs.

...Or the attention.

Well, that -- that was our honeymoon, And, yes, I loved it, but it was weeks ago.

Well, maybe some of us don't want it to...End!

Well, it has to eventually end.

All right, cam --

Did you have this lipstick or --

You know, personally, I feel sorry for you that you're so shut off That a few simple romantic gestures -- oh, my god! What am I looking at here?

Well, I guess I'm crazy, Because I've taken pictures of you sleeping Every night since we got married Because you're the man of my dreams.

Okay, super quick -- if I was the man of your dreams, Wouldn't you have to be the one sleeping?

Don't pull that thread, mitchell.

Speaking of which, what is this?

Don't pull that thread, mitchell.

Oh, cam, come on!

Even you have to admit this is excessive.

Excessive? Really?

[ pop ] oh!

Struck by cupid's magic arrow. It's off, lily.

Seriously? Two hours rehearsing with rosa?

Cam, what is going on with you?

We just had the most romantic year ever, Planning our ceremony, the wedding, the honeymoon, And I'm just worried if we let this go, We'll never get it back.

Well, that doesn't all just end.

It did once.

You know, the first two years we were together, We were insanely romantic.

Then it became about parenting a-and working.

And this last year, we got that back, And I just realized I've dropped the ball.

Oh, no.

Well, m-maybe you -- you shouldn't be the only one Carrying the ball.

What if you did a give-off to me?

A hand-off. Okay, what -- yeah.

Look, w-what if I...

Tried to become a little bit more romantic?

What would that even look like?

[ billy ocean's "caribbean queen" plays ]

This song... This song... [ chuckling ]

Was playing the night I asked you to move in.

At that applebee's. Mm-hmm.

I believe you owe me a dance. Yes. [ chuckles ]

¶ caribbean queen ¶

¶ now we're sharing the same dream... ¶ Are we almost done with fairy time?

Lily, of all -- lily, that's offensive.

I just want to get out of this costume.

Oh. Oh, of course.

Now, that does look uncomfortable.

They snap off. They snap off. Oh, that's easy.

Alex: My ride's on its way.

Don't worry, I'll wait outside on the curb.

Honey, nobody wants you to go.

Yeah, even if you are bad luck, you're our bad luck.

You realize that is in no way an apology, right?

The thing is that we are really --

Please stop talking.

I spent this entire summer as an outsider.

They literally made me build the outside of the house.

And then I come back here and I --

Why is your webcam on?

Are you trying to humiliate me?

That light means it's on?

It doesn't automatically turn off When you go to a different web page?

No, and considering you keep your laptop on your bed, Right by where you change, And when you come out of the shower, And who knows what else...

Everyone knows what else!

It's probably why you have 50,000 subscribers.

Hey! You should be ashamed of yourselves!

Yeah, yeah. Still not off.

Haley: How do you do that?

Wait, what is that smell?

Your father and luke are making a rhubarb pie From rhubarb we grew in our own garden.

You're not leaving until you try it.

No, no, no, no, no. I smell smoke.

Well, I didn't turn the oven on yet.

Did you? No.

Oh, no, no!

I tried to start that stupid "war and peace" again Last night in the bathtub, but then I fell asleep.

It dropped in the water And I thought I would just dry it out.

Oh! Oh! Phil: Oh! Take cover!

Okay! Okay! Take cover!

Claire: Oh, god!

Damn this thing! Did nobody notice the oven light?!

Lights mean things, people!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Claire: Great job!

Oh, god! Oh, no! No! No!

Good job, honey! [ car horn honks ]

This has been awesome, but my ride's here.

Have a magical day. No, no, no, no.

No, I got it. No, sweetie.

Claire, I got this. Okay.

Spoon time, people.

Yes! Family tradition.


Look, you can leave if you want to, sweetheart, But we're not letting you go without a smile on your face.

Luke and I poured a lot of love into this pie, So, here...

Taste this.

Taste our love.

You took the leaves off the rhubarb, right? Um...

They're incredibly poisonous. You all could die.

No! Alex says they're poison!

Oh! Okay. [ clattering ]

We're right here! We heard her!

You can't leave us.

We're a danger to ourselves.

We're a family of fire starters, Poison eaters, and online prostitutes.

It wasn't a perfect summer.

It was a stupid summer.

Claire: Without you here to shame me, I watched every "real housewives" episode And I only got to page two in "war and peace."

Please stay. We need at least one adult in this household.

Okay, fine.

[ bat fluttering ]

You know the attic window is open, right? Phil: We really didn't.

[ crickets chirping ]

Gloria: I race you up the stairs.

Jay: Why don't you slip into something less comfortable?

Okay! [ laughs ]

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!


Just a thought -- maybe we should stop doing these. [ door slams ]

What's going on? Mitchell: It seems pretty obvious.

I had to throw the party a week early To really surprise her.

Claire: Should we be concerned about her?

That's kind of similar to the way mom left.

Gloria and I got in this whole thing about how we dress.

Long story, I think she might need a little more time bef--


[ laughter ] oh, wow!

I had this outfit underneath.

Did you really think That I was gonna walk into a bar looking like that?


[ indistinct murmuring ]

All these years, You're telling me you can get ready that fast?

[ indistinct conversations ]


[ smacks lips ]

[ exercise music plays ]

¶ caribbean queen ¶

¶ now we're sharing the -- ¶

[ hair dryer turns on ]

[ coughing ]

Phil: Mm.


[ muffled ] oh, my god!