Modern Family S6E12 Script

The Big Guns (2015)

Phil, honey!


Hey, check it out.

Grandpa sent us another postcard from his rv trip.

"mount rushmore?

I wish the tour guide would have rushed more."

Phil, we have got to do something About amber and ronnie's boat.

That thing is making it impossible To park in our driveway, and it's an eyesore.

On the other hand, they're our neighbors And we have to see them everyday.

I worry about... Rocking the boat.

You know you can do better.

Keeping me honest. I love it.

Yeah, the boat is trashy.

Living next to it doesn't feel "on brand" for me.

You know, with sea levels rising at their current rate, We should be glad we live near a boat.

Okay, so, that's three for "get rid of the boat."

Luke? Count me out.

This isn't a police state.

That boat isn't hurting anyone.

Here's all you need to know about that boat.

One -- tammy lafontaine sunbathes on it.

Two -- my eyeballs like looking at tammy lafontaine sunbathing.

Don't make me the bad guy here.

You know that obnoxious thing annoys you, too.

Yeah, it does, but we need to finesse this --

Be nice about it.

The last thing we need Is some huge feud with our crazy neighbors.

Movie idea. I'll put on the list.

Comedy or drama? Depends on casting.

There's got to be some kind of regulation about this.

I'm gonna call the city. That's a terrible idea.

Uh, no, a terrible idea Is a movie about a guy who can fax himself places.

'cause you haven't heard the title -- "just the fax man."

[ gasps ] yeah. Huh?

That water can't hit us soon enough.


[ door opens ]

Mitchell: Hey, where have you guys been?

Both: The san vicente branch of the public library, And then ice cream.

That was a weirdly specific answer.

Well, everything is normal.

Usually when everything is normal, People don't respond in perfectly rehearsed unison.

Now who's being weirdly specific.

Well, if you went to the library, Why don't you have any books?

We read there.

I read "clifford the big red dog."

And I read richard chamberlain's autobiography.

Did you know he did hamlet in london?

Yes, I remember you telling me about that At the san vicente branch of the public library.

Okay, well, why don't you go clean your room now, sweetie?

Great idea. Lily, don't forget your backpack.

Whoa, what's this?

Um... Cam, clown supplies?

Uh, yeah, those are mine.

We just had to pick them up from the dry cleaner.

Also mine.

Oh, my gosh, they must have shrunk them in the wash!

Did they wash them 40,000 times?

[ sighs ] okay, look.

It's no big deal, but I took lily To a junior clown college this morning.

Are you serious? Behind my back?

Yes, because I knew you wouldn't approve.

What was I supposed to do?

Not take her because you know how I feel About all this mumbo jumbo.


Mumbo jumbo was like a father to me.

I have been very up front with you.

You knew going in that I wanted to raise our child as a clown.

Yes, but then I finally realized that you weren't joking And we agreed that we would wait Until she was old enough to decide for herself.

You do stuff with her all the time, And you don't ask me for my permission.

Just last week, You took her to the doctor without even asking!

'cause she had an ear infection!

Let's say we're even!

Gloria: Bravo!

You ate all of your blueberries!

That gets applause?

I just finished the Friday crossword puzzle and nothing.

I guess everyone knows herbert hoover's middle name.

Look what I got --

A throne for our little king.

Do we have to put the toilet on the counter?

I take my afternoon coffee here.

Let's fix one problem at a time.

I've decided to potty-train joe.

No, too soon.

It's too soon for a pearl harbor joke, Perfect time for this.

I don't want to rush him.

Too much pressure and he will get traumatized.

He's grown up drinking from a breast bigger than his head.

I don't think he scares easy.

The kid's ready, plus, if I'm being honest, I'm tired of buying diapers.

Excuse me, where do you keep the diapers?

Right over here, sir.

You trying to be funny?

We have larger sizes.

He's gonna do great.

Why wouldn't he?

There's no one better than joe, right?

I'm better than joe.

At his age, I was counting to 10 in three languages.

The bar is so low for that kid, except when they play limbo.

They hold it up so high anybody can get under it.

[ up-tempo music playing ] oh, hey.

I didn't see you there.

[ scoffs ] really?

So, is that your creepy twin brother Who's been staring at me From the window for the last week?

Uh, I could lie and say "yes."

You could pretend you weren't flattered, But why not just cut to the chase?

And what would that be?

Um...I could maybe touch something of yours?

Sure, and I could maybe kick something of yours.

I like this tension.

Very "will they, when will they?"

Go back to your room, little boy.

Got it. I'll see you from there.

Once we approach them with this, It's gonna be awfully hard for me to log in With my anonymous call to the city.

You're not gonna have to report anyone.

Call me david copperfield, 'cause I'm about to make a boat disappear.

Hey, neighbors. I made you some banana bread.

Hey! Oh, I love banana bread.

We have this at our dispensary, except we got weed in it. Claire: Oh.

Ooh, but we could give this one to our kids as a trick.

[ laughs ]

This boat is really something.

You know what we call her?

"jackpot"! 'cause you sell pot.

Holy cow, we never thought of that.

This is the best day of my life!

[ laughs ] permission to come aboard and check her out?


That is, if you're talking about my boat and not my wife.

[ whack ] ooh, yeah, you can't climb aboard me.

Well, not in the driveway, anyway. Mm-hmm.

Oh, this is so great. Claire: Yeah.

Did you do something new with your hair?

Did you get a new wig or something? Mnh-mnh.

Oh. Sweet boat like this belongs in the water, am I right?

Well, you know, people who put their boat in the water, They only use it on the weekend.

We get to use this baby every day.

Can you imagine Visiting this boat every day in the marina?

You spend a bunch of money on something, You want people to see it.

That's why I wear low-cut tops.

Yeah! Listen up.

I just got to be honest.

We're having a hard time with the boat here.

What, you don't like jackpot?

It's gigantic and makes it pretty tough To park in our driveway.

Well, that's because you open your doors onto our driveway, Where we keep our boat.

Yes, and, according to city regulations, It shouldn't even be here.

"regulations." hear that?

Look, we really do want to keep this friendly.

And it's been here for three weeks.

Yeah, and it's beautiful. And it's tacky.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Settle down! Hey, that is uncool!

There are four aces on the side of it.

You know what?

We're gonna have to ask you to disembark.

That's boat for "get off."

Yeah, there's no room up here for an uptight buzzkill.

Don't call her a buzzkill.

That's right. There's a lot of people who think I'm fun.

You complain about fireworks Friday, You complain when my son plays his kick-ass drum set, You bought curtains for your bedroom window.

What have we ever done to you?

I think you just answered your own question.

All right, you know what?

Here, take your buzz-free banana bread And go back to your precious driveway. Oh. With pleasure.

By the way, claire, earlier, I was just being nice.

I do not like your new wig.

Hey, what you don't like is her real hair!

Phil! Uh, not the color.

Hey, phil!

Oh. [ clears throat ]

Still think we need to be nice?

No. It's time for more drastic measures.

Mm-hmm. No one insults... My banana bread.

[ spits ]

Mitchell. F-fiz-- no! No!

What have I said about you sneaking up on me?

I could have been shaving.

This could have been a sweeney todd moment.

Because of me, clowning is in lily's blood.

Adopted. But she's a natural, and we're gonna prove it to you.

If she doesn't make you laugh, she'll quit clowning forever.

Come on.

[ groans ] please.

I present to you the asian for any occasion, The clown that will invert that frown, The dynamic duo of fizbo and... [ circus music plays ]


Are you not hearing that?

We're working on the name.



Oh, no, fizbo dropped his hat.

Where did it go, lizbo?

It's right there. Oh!

[ chuckles ] there it is!

[ chuckles ]

Do, do-do-do-do, do, do, do.

No, fizbo! No!

What? I'm just putting my hat back on, lizbo.

Oh, my -- oh!

Confetti -- I hope fizbo knows how to vacuum.

Oh! Who turned out the lights?!

[ groans ] you're just spreading it around.

[ sighs heavily ]

Mitchell: I tried to be supportive for lily.

I really did, but I wanted to kill myself.

[ grunting ]

[ sighs ]

Ohh! Oh! Oh! [ laughs ]

That's not part of the routine.

[ clang ] ohh! Ohh!

Wah, wah! [ laughs ]

Ohh! Oh!

She's a natural. Do it again.


Okay, here we go. Nothing to it.

Make it rain.

Yeah, I-I get it.

You -- you can't pee with another guy looking at you.

Not a bad thing, by the way.

Son of a gun, his middle name was clark.

Jay! May we have some privacy, please?

For what?

So that joe can keep chewing on the electrical cord?

[ clapping ] whoo.

O-oh, we're -- we're not clapping for this?

I told you that he was not ready, and when he is, Why don't you let his mother take care of it?

You know, I raised two fully functional children.

You have two kids that I don't know about?

Please, just let joe go on his own schedule.

Manny learned to potty-train when he was 2 1/2.

You told me it was 13 months.

I may have exaggerated a little bit.

2 1/2 isn't advanced at all.

What else did you exaggerate?

Did I really like shakespeare when I was 3?

Not so much shakespeare as jello.

Was my first word really "latte"?

Not so much "latte" as "jello."

Oh, my god. I'm normal.

Trust me, kid, no one's saying that about you.

Why did you tell me all those things?

To give you confidence.

You needed it because you were having So much trouble learning how to read.

This makes no sense.

Yes, that what you always used to say.

[ groans ]

Aah! Oh!

[ spits ] wah, wah!

[ chuckles ]

Cameron: I wasn't deterred.

I knew lily had what it took to be a great clown.

[ chuckling ] I mean...

She just needed to find her persona, And that process can be painful, especially for me.

Ohh, lily!

Wah, wah!

[ laughs ]

¶ ba-da, ba, ba, ba, ba-ba -- ¶ Ohh.

Wah, wah!

Good morning, neighbors.

Beautiful day, huh?

Don't even try to sweet-talk us.

This tacky boat ain't going anywhere.

Oh. [ rumbling in distance ]

Hey, what's that?

I don't know. What could it be?

Phil is not a vindictive guy.

He still listens to milli vanilli.

It's a scandal I can dance to.

But ronnie and amber don't deserve nice phil.

They dissed my woman, so I called in the big guns.

You are so sexy right now.

Girl, you know it's true. Oh, there it goes.

Is that my son or am I looking In the world's most flattering mirror?

That's funny and uplifting!

It is! [ laughs ] oh, hi.

[ smooches ] thanks for coming so fast.

Oh. Where were you when we called?

Who knows? It all looks the same.

Either arizona or new mexico.

Or maybe even regular mexico.

Oh. Thanks for coming, fellas.

Hey, guys. Grandpa!

There's my little girls. How are you?


What the hell is this?

We see your driveway boat And raise you a convoy of retirees.

Oh, I want to have three more of your babies.

How was your road trip?

The highlight came in branson, missouri, When victor rear-ended yakov smirnoff's s.U.V.

The exchange of information was hilarious, but frustrating.

I don't understand anything that's happening.

[ as yakov smirnoff ] "in my country, Car has insurance for me."

[ normal voice ] that sort of thing.

[ laughs ] just laugh.

One day, we'll treasure these moments.

[ both laugh ]

I guess you guys convinced us.

It's awesome having Giant recreational vehicles in your front yard.


Oh, we see what you two are doing.

You're gonna see a whole lot more, 'cause these old guys like to do tai chi in shorty robes.

This ain't gonna work. I like hanging with old people.

Makes me feel in-shape.

They can't sleep and they can't hear.

They're gonna be blasting talk radio all night long.

When I get drunk, I snore real loud, So I won't hear a thing.

We just wanted to give you a taste Of what it's like to have you for a neighbor.

I love how close together all our mouths are.

Ohh. Okay.

Hey, dad, what's the --

What's the plot of that rita hayworth movie?

Oh. My friends here were wondering.

That's my cue. Time to help my boy get rid of a boat.

Uh, "lady from shanghai"?

That's the one.

I-I can't remember all the details.

Pretty sure there was a horse in that movie. Mm-hmm.

Or was it a baby?

Funny thing -- none of it was in shanghai.

Ahh. Or was all of it in shanghai?

Anyway, where was I? Oh, right.

So, either the horse or this baby...

Oh, hey.

I'm just putting these in the car.

I help underprivileged kids lift weights.

You can't even drive yet.

Okay, you know my secret. What's yours?

Do you honestly think any of this is gonna work?

[ sighs ] I don't know what I'm doing.

I-I have no clue what to say when I'm around you, But I think about you all the time.

[ sighs ]

Fine. Here's my secret.

[ breathes deeply ]

I put all these walls up and act tough, But...I've never really been with a boy before.


Because I've never been with a girl.

[ laughs ] oh, my god. Pathetic.

Run home to your mommy, you little bitch.

Is lizbo in here?

I think she's in our room.

[ sighs ] cam.

You know, you wouldn't be in this position If you hadn't gone behind my back.

I wouldn't be in this position if I had...

...A supportive husband. Okay.

Really, I would love to hear how this is my fault.

Yesterday, lily performed her heart out for you.

She was so excited to do that broom routine, And you gave her nothing.

So she got desperate, And she resorted to mean-spirited gags.

And then all of a sudden, guess what.

You're mister mcgiggles!

Oh, is he like an uncle to you?

You know what hurt the most is that my husband Turned our daughter against something that I love.

Guys, we appreciate all your help, But you probably shouldn't be up there.

I don't mind. [ laughs ]


[ sniffs ] is that weed I smell?

Wait, you gave them pot?

No, I run a legitimate business.

I'm not gonna risk it for that.

They brought their own. Dad?

Not me, son. It's me and victor.

Makes my arthritis feel better.

And I'm in remission... From being lame.

[ laughter ] ronnie: Here's your beer, frank.

Thank you, ronnie. Right on.

Here you go, guys. Pigs in a blanket.

[ cheering ] thank you, darling.

What are you guys doing?!

You're supposed to be annoying them.

These guys could never annoy me. What?

Oh, ronnie!

[ laughter ]

Sorry, son, it turns out ronnie's a fellow army man.

Plus, at our age, it's tough Not to like someone who pays attention to us.


I should have known better. My dad's too loveable.

It's always been his biggest flaw.

Hey, smells like a party!

Back inside. Okay, then.

[ laughter ]

[ children's music playing ]

¶ take your body down to the potty ¶

¶ to have some fun and go number one ¶

[ music stops ]

What is this filth?

I tried everything -- videos, books, parenting websites.

I even tried to make a game out of it.

Nothing could get that kid to use the toilet.

By the way, do not search "peeing games" on the internet.

Okay, joe, what's it gonna be? I'm a wealthy man.

Just give me a number.


I just found out that's how old I was When I learned to tie my shoes.

Not 2, like I was told.

Okay, please, manny.

I might have exaggerated a little bit, But I do that all the time.

Columbia actually is a very normal place.

My accomplishments are all lies.

I can only deal with one traumatized child at a time.

Please, jay, let that poor baby off the toilet.

Okay, new plan --

We leave him on the throne till he conks out, Then we dunk his hand in a bowl of warm water --

That's crazy.

You know that you can't rush these things.

You did it before with claire and with mitch.

I don't think he did, mom.

Yes, he did, right?

Well, I was a little busy building a closet empire.

And racquetball was pretty big back then.

Maybe that's why this is so important to you.

You missed so many milestones in their lives, You don't want to miss them with joe.

This is your second chance.

But don't worry, jay. He knows you love him.

I'd like him to remember that I'm there for him.

I mean, who knows if I'll get another chance.

I know. You won't.

And he won't have to remember you Because you're always going to be here.

Aah. Forget it.

Come on. Let's give it a rest.

The poor kid -- all that pressure I put on him.

Especially his bladder.

You've probably got a gallon of apple juice in there, buddy.

Did you see that?

Did you see how you understood jay?

That's what makes you so special.

Anyone can learn how to walk or pee in a potty.

You're the most sensitive and insightful person I have ever known, and you have always been.

Come here, papi.

[ urinating ] he's peeing!

He's peeing! My little genius!

I knew you could do it, buddy!

[ laughs ] ay, jay, he's not done.

Aw, hell. It's all over me.

Would you take him?


Oh, it's you. Okay.

Come here.

Come on. Let's have a little talk.

All right, I know that I have been laughing At some of the stuff that you've been doing to daddy, But I shouldn't have.

I know that you love this, but I don't want you to be The type of clown that hurts people.

I don't do that to make you laugh.

You don't? Well, then why do you do it?

I hate it. I don't want to be a clown.

It's so weird. Oh, are you serious?

The jokes aren't funny And everybody's all, "honk, honk, ah-ooga, wah, wah."

Oh, lily, I love you so much. Oh, my gosh.

W-w-why didn't you just tell him?

I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Oh.

So I figured if I was a bad clown, He'd want me to stop.

Oh, honey, you don't have to worry about that.

He'll understand.

You don't have to do what daddy does.

You just need to tell him the truth.

Tell me the truth about what? Nothing!

No, lily, it's -- it's okay.

I'm sorry, daddy, but I think I want to stop being a clown.

[ gasps ]

Oh, but why? Y-you loved it.


Because I'll never be as good as fizbo.

He's just so funny and special and magical.

Sweetie -- well, listen.

Fizbo is very special.

But you shouldn't expect to be as good as he is right away.

It's too much pressure.


Maybe I'll try again when I'm older. Mm.

Coming up with a lie like that in the moment --

That girl is no clown.

She's gonna be a lawyer.

Hey, neighbor.


Just wanted to say I had a really good time Hanging with your dad last night.

You don't need to rub it in.

I heard it all night -- you guys singing "chantilly lace."

[ chuckles ] no, I'm serious.

We had a long talk.

Your dad and his buddies, they're good people.

They played the whole army card.

And, well, I'm gonna do the honorable thing And, uh, move the boat.


Yeah, my brother says I can keep it in his driveway.

He hates his neighbor. Mm.

I think your dad's right.

We should start being better to one another.

I couldn't agree more. I think you'll see, Once you get to know us, we're good people, too...

[ siren chirps ]

[ exhales sharply ]

There's no smoke. I know.

Okay, folks. [ police radio chatter ]

Who owns the boat?

He -- uh, that would be me. Why? Is there a problem?

Technically, you can't store it here, And some crazy lady keeps calling.

Hi, officer. What's going on out here?

Wait, you guys narc'd on us!

No, I brought you banana bread! It was her!

Now who's the narc?

Claire, that's pretty uncool.

Super uncool! You guys are lame!

I'm also gonna have to write up these rvs.

[ all groaning ]

I'm holding. I'm making a walk for it.

Ugh. This again?

Don't even think about coming over here.

[ sighs, whistling ]


I'm serious.

You did it!

Oh, my god.

That was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

Just do it a few more times, and she'll be begging you To kiss her right in the science museum...

Or -- or what-- whatever her fantasy is.

[ sighs ]