Modern Family S6E13 Script

Rash Decisions (2015)

We're back!

Funniest thing --

Stella fell in love with this dog on our walk, Just stared at it lovingly.

Turned out to be her reflection in a hubcap.

Can you blame her?

I got an "a" on my history exam, by the way.

Really, you're competing with the dog?

Don't let it bother you, girl.

Jay, we need to talk.

I went to an allergist today, And he thinks that joe's rash is an allergy.

What a surprise -- an allergist found an allergy.

He thinks he might be allergic to stella.


The only reaction this dog gives people is the giggles.

I mean, when she tried to lick her own [laughing] face...

In my village, if a goat acted that dumb, We wouldn't even eat it.

This allergy thing is very serious.

We need to separate them for a week To see if the rash goes away.

I don't know if I can go that long without seeing joe.

Not joe! The dog!

I already called mitch and cameron.

They're gonna take her.

For a week?!

She'll be traumatized! She's very sensitive!

She scrapes her butt on the driveway.

Why don't you like her?

She's never done anything to you.

Ay, look! My face cream!

Do you know how much this costs?

No. How much?

Don't change the subject!

The dog goes now!

You know, now that I think about it, I could be allergic to stella.

I've been a little stuffy since we got her.

You were stuffy long before stella.

Do you not remember scolding that waiter at chuck e. Cheese For serving you from the right?

¶¶¶ Victorian.





Andy, it's the castle from "frozen."

I'm sorry, but you're not ready.


To hear that you're ready!

Congratulations, assistant!

I'm moving you up to the next level.

[ chuckling ] holy cow.

That was an emotional thrill ride.

This Sunday, You are manning the open house of the cape cod on linden.

That means you're gonna be sticking The sign and the balloons on the corner, You're gonna be turning on all the lights, You're gonna be baking all the brownies.

I will make you proud, sir.

What else are you gonna do?

I will make sure people sign in.

What else?

When I show someone the master bedroom, I'll say, "this is where the magic happens."

I'm sold! Yes!

Hey, buddy. I got to hit the mall a little later.

You wanna grab a couple of chair massages till they kick us out?

Nah. I'm gonna go hang out with some of my friends.


Have fun.

Teenagers, huh?

Yeah, it's been happening more and more, but it's natural.

Kids that age want distance.

One day, they're holding your hand so tight it hurts.

The next day, they're eating the apple you kind of wanted.

Not me.

I never turned down an offer to hang with my dad.

Luckily for him, he died before my rebellious teenage years.

[ doorbell rings ]

That must be grandpa with stella.

Remember, lily, she's only gonna be here for a week, She's not gonna be our permanent pet.

Don't tell me, tell larry.

He's been acting jealous all day.

You're being crazy!

Hey, dad. Cameron: Hey, jay.

There's our precious little houseguest.

Okay, guys, listen up.

She gets three walks a day.

Keep her off the bed. We're training her.

No chicken bones. If she starts to wheeze --

Wow. Remember when you dropped me off at summer camp?

You barely slowed down the car.

You never had a condition that made it difficult to breathe.

I was a closeted gay kid at sports camp.

I spent the week in mid-faint.

Lily, don't forget to give stella lots of belly rubs.

Grandpa, this is coming At a really bad time for me and larry. [ sighs ]

Okay, well, now, don't you worry About wily not woving you yet.

Aw, who's the little weeble wobble?

[ smooches ] [ chuckles ]

I can't watch this. Okay. Bye, dad.

Oh, I don't know. I guess in my free time, I like to keep up with the latest discoveries In renewable energy.

[ laughs ]

Just think, a few more months And you'll never have to deal with this again.

You know, I don't mind college interviews.

I actually like discussing the things that they --

[ sighs ] I was talking to the mirror.

I know all you had to do to get in your college Was like their facebook page, But this is princeton.

I have to show them that I'm a serious thinker, And you could be a bit more supportive.

You're right. I'm sorry.

Your outfit's perfect.


If you're applying to lumberjack school.

[ sighs ]

And majoring in having your cats eat you when you die.

[ giggles ]

Well, hello.

How was your first day back in the closet...


That doesn't make any sense. I've never worked here before.

It's just a gay joke, mitchell. Don't overthink it.

You settling in?

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, you know, I'm in jeans and I'm at work --

I feel like a mechanic. [ chuckles ]

I am looking forward To doing a few days of freelance legal work for my dad Because, uh, where I work, I've gotten the unfair reputation Of being the office nag, which is...

See, it's only because I work with a bunch of slobs.

I mean, I must tell these people 50 times a day --

"wipe down the microwave," "clean the coffee pot,"

"whose moldy lunch meat is this, kevin?"

So, did they put up much of a fight When you asked for that time off, or...?

Yeah, it's so nice and casual here. Claire: Mm-hmm.

I can't wait to get my chill on.

What are you doing?

Hm? What? This is me.

No, it's not.

For the next few days it is.

When I leave here, Men will want to be me, women will want to shop with me.

Have you ever thought of trying to be nicer at your regular job? Mm.

I mean, I've had to learn How to balance being a friend and a manager.

You could call it being a "franager."

But I don't have to, right?

Yes, you do.

I am your boss. You have to do everything I say.

Okay, all right, here comes lucy.

She's new, and dad wants me to talk to her About the way she dresses.

He says it's distracting.

Watch and learn. Lucy's about to get franaged.

Oh, good, it's a verb, too.

Hey, luce.

Oh, hi, ms. Dunphy.

Oh, no, come on. Please, my dad is ms. Dunphy.

So, listen, if you were looking for some clothes for work, Nordstrom's having a fabulous sale.

I picked up this appropriate little number there.

Well, I'll have to check that out.

Great. Thanks.


See what I just did there?

I got to get back to work. Do you want to have lunch later?

Aren't you going to the pasta factory with the gang?

Oh, is it somebody's birthday?

I-I don't know.

Uh, something they do on mondays.

Oh, right, yeah, yeah. Uh, p-pasta factory Monday.

I knew that.

Doesn't seem like you did.

Break time's over. Get your work done.

Looks like someone has an issue with anger franagement.

Let 'er rip!

What a cannon!


58 miles per hour. Wait. What?!

Yes! What are you guys doing?

What a catch! When we were at the mall, we got this baseball that shows you how fast you throw it.

You guys went to the mall together?

Yes, we sure did.

And we got the free portrait at sears to prove it.

We should scan that bad boy before it gets ruined.


You're outta there!

Milady, for you.

Looking good there, haircut!

Ah, there he is! There's my karaoke partner.

Hey, listen, next time you're ebony, I'm ivory, all right?

Two days down, one to go, And everybody in the office still loves the new me.

Go ahead, leave a dirty coffee filter.

Oh, park askew.

Laid-back mitchell doesn't mind.

You know, it is really nice To be liked for who you really are pretending to be.

[ laughing ] all right.

I'm gonna see you tonight at ronna's party, right?

Okay. What party?

Aw, the two saddest words in the english language.

Nah, it's no big deal.

We're just stopping by a bar after work, Have some beer, some hot wings.

Look at me. Claire: No, it's cool.

This is my fault.

Somebody asked me to do something and I said no, And now they think I'm not interested.

Yeah, that's probably it.

I might drop by this one, though.

I think people would appreciate it.

No, you can't go.

What? Why not?

Well, you know how y-you think That you're their boss and their friend? Uh-huh.

You're one of those things.

Oh, my god. They hate me.

No. Lots of people like you.

Like who?

Uh, well, me. I do.

Yeah? And, um, the, uh...


Dad. Dad's a big fan.

How's my little angel?

Not great today. I'm settling in.

Not you two -- stella.

Oh, she's fine.

Cam's taking great care of her.

Is she getting enough walks?

Cam comes home from work at lunch, Takes her right to the dog park.

In fact, he's there with her right now.

'cause there's an unsnipped chow always tries to hump her silly.

[ knock on door ]

Oh, hi, mr. Pritchett.

Hey, lucy.

Lucy likes you.

Hey, claire, check out my new shirt.

I have you to thank.

Oh, no, that's all you. [ chuckles ]

You were supposed to talk to her About storing those zeppelins in a hangar. I did!

Well, do it again. Louder. This is a place of business.

She needs to throw a tarp over those bounce houses.

Dad, I think you're the one who's being offensive.

It's my company. Take care of it.

[ dogs barking ]

[ ringtone plays ]


What dog park are you at?

Good afternoon to you, too, jay.

Stella and I are at rancho.

Thank god.

Keep your eye out for randy chows.

The figure skater?

Just keep stella's safe.

Jay, she's fine. She's having a great time.

H-here, I'm gonna send you A hilarious picture I just took of her.

She's never looked happier.

Probably just being polite.

[ cellphone chimes ]

What the hell am I looking at?

Oh, god, w-what -- what did I send you?

What's that thing around her neck?

Oh, phew. Uh, that is just a new collar.

Her old one was looking a little tattered.

Don't go buying her presents!

She's still my dog.

You're a glorified kennel.

It's just a fun little collar that I bejeweled.

What's next? You gonna dress her in fishnets, Put her in a window in amsterdam?

Just keep it casual! [ cellphone beeps ]

Oh, my god. You're such a slut.

Oh, I love it.

Mm. Nothing, I'm just taking my sister To a college interview at a coffee shop.

Ugh. I know, right?

Oh, I totally forgot to tell you what happened last night.

Lisa, enzo, and I were at a bar in echo park, And enzo was like, "my dream is to run the bases at dodger stadium."

So I'm like, "screw it, let's do it."

So, lisa tucks her hair up to a baseball cap, And we convince the grounds keeper that she's justin bieber And that "justin" will take a picture with him.

And it worked!

No, you shut up! That's not even the best part.

Enzo starts running the bases, and he whips his shirt off.

And lisa gets caught up in it and takes off her shirt, [ sighs ] and the grounds keeper's like, "whoa, you're not justin bieber."

So he starts chasing us around with a rake.

I know!

Oh, wait. Who is that?

Denise? Put that dirty hooker on the phone.

Hey, girl. Did I tell you what happened last night?

So, enzo said that his dream Was to run the bases at dodger stadium, And I was like, "screw it, let's do it." oh, my god!

Do you ever stop talking?!

I am sitting here trying to mentally prepare For one of the most important moments of my life, So can you please just shut up?

[ scoffs ] I know, right? Ohh. [ sighs ]

[ cellphone beeps ]

All right, looks like they're finishing up.

Ooh, tell her cute dress -- nanette lepore, fall collection.

Great. I'll open with, "cute dress."

[ scoffs ]

Cute dress. [ door slams ]

Andy, 36 hours to the open house.

You ready?

I was born ready. [ chuckles ]

Actually, that's not true.

I was two months premature, Weighed three and a half pounds.

I'm a little nervous.

There's only one way to get over that --

Mock open house!

Starting in five...Four... Mm-hmm.

Uh, business card!

[ doorbell rings ]

You're not andy.

Sorry to disappoint you.

I'm here!

Welcome. Come on in.

Thank you.

What's happening?

I was about to give mr. Dunphy here A tour of this beautiful open house.

I do not know who mr. Dunphy is, although he sounds cool.

I'm just a handsome plastic surgeon relocating from tucson.

Hmm. And I'm his son.

Good idea. Pretend to be my son.

So, is this the kitchen?

Great question. Yes, it is.

Fully updated with an open floor plan, Perfect for large families.

Do you and the missus have other kids?

Nope, just me, so it's way too big.

You seem terrible at your job.

I don't know.

You seem like a family with a lot of friends.

It's great for entertaining.

How diverse is the neighborhood?

To a beautiful african-american woman.

I can't say who, but you may know her from "avatar."

This neighborhood has a wonderful mix Of different cultures and ethnicities.

Ooh, sounds dangerous. Luke...

Here's all you need to know --

In the last two years, home values in this neighborhood Have increased by twice the city average.

It's quiet. It's safe.

I can't think of a better place To raise a beautiful mixed-race family.

I'm gonna have to have a quick conversation with zoe, But I think you just sold a house.

Yes! [ chuckles ]

Good. Is this finally done?

'cause, dad, I was thinking maybe you and I Could put on tuxedos and test-drive rolls-royces.

Aw, luke, I'm sorry. I wish I could, But I already promised andy I'd teach him how to tie a tie.

Come on, buddy. I got a song and everything.

I have to let you know, My neck is extraordinarily ticklish.

You don't say.

Don't you dare.

[ laughs ] don't. Don't!

Get over here! No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

It was so nice to meet you, gita.

I'll be sure to send you that recording of my bassoon solo.

You'd better! [ both laugh ]

[ ringtone plays ]

Could you kill me over the phone?

Oh, my god. These kids are all the same.

Please tell me We weren't this aggressively boring when we applied.

It's all debate team, orchestra, a.P., gpa.

I wanted to smack one of them in her smug little face, But I'm pretty sure she was a robot.

I can't believe I'm missing spinning for this.

[ chuckles ] hi. I'm alex dunphy.

I got to go.

[ snidely ] oh, great. Have a seat. I'm vanessa.

Would you like some coffee?

No, thanks, but I actually have a crazy fact about coffee --

Bees love caffeine because it's found in nectar, But I don't know that much about b's, As you can see from my transcript.

[ laughs ]

[ chuckles weakly ]

So, I see here that you're on the debate team And you play the cello.

Yes, but I am so much more than that.

I'm also a part of the french club.

[ flatly ] tell me more.

[ sighs ]

I'm so sorry for wasting your time.

This was a big mistake.

I'm probably not princeton material anyways.

I mean, I spent most of last night In the back of a squad car.

Wait, what?

Well, crazy story --

My friend enzo's dream was to run the bases at dodger stadium.

And I was just like, "screw it, let's do it."

Oh, by the way, cute dress.

Is that a nanette lepore?

Oh, my god, yes. Good eye. [ chuckles ]

So, what happened next?

Well, then my friend lisa tucks her hair up into a baseball cap, And we convince the grounds keeper that she's justin bieber And that "justin" will take a picture with him.

Oh, my god.

You're so naughty. I love it.

[ laughs ] you know it, slut.

Oh, my god. I am so sorry.

Aww, you're cooking us a steak dinner -- how sweet.

Yeah, I came home from work early to cook us dinner.

That's crazy.

This is for stella.

Ay, jay...

You don't know what I'm competing with over there.

Cameron's wooing her With belly rubs, jewelry, kisses on the mouth.

I just want her to remember who loves her the most.

I don't think stella is ever going to forget How much you love her, No matter how much time She needs to stay with mitch and cam.

What are you talking about? She's coming home Friday.

That's the thing.


The rash is gone.

Well, we don't know that's stella.

A lot of things cause rashes.

Maybe he's less stressed this week than last.

What's going on?

We have to get rid of stella.

Slow down. We haven't decided anything yet.

Yes, we have. It's what's best for joe.

And for whatever it's worth, my eyes have stopped itching, I can taste my food, and I have more energy.

You took a three-hour nap yesterday.

I was tired from the marathon.

The "downton abbey" marathon?

That family is exhausting.

I can't believe this.

Ah, jay, I'm so sorry.

Maybe you can get a fish!

'cause it's so much cuter driving down the road With your fish's head sticking out the window.


Oh, my god.

Are you here for another lecture?

Because you made your point loud and clear.

I'm keeping it casual.

I haven't even looked at stella this morning.

Okay, do not read too much into that --

I just took that off one of lily's teddy bears.

It's fine.

I'm glad you guys are spoiling her, Because I won't be able to anymore.

Joe's allergic.


Yeah, and I figured since she likes you so much, Maybe you guys could keep her.

Well, I mean, if that's what's best for everyone.

Maybe you better check with mitch first?

He'll deal.

I made her a steak.


And this is her daybed. Oh.

I guess I better say goodbye.

Hi, sweetie.

Come here. I want to talk to you.

Now, honey, You're gonna live here from now on.

Don't give me that look.

It wasn't anything you did.

You've been the best dog I could ever have asked for, And I love you very much.


Stay away from cars...

Don't eat anything pointy...

And be a good girl.

Goodbye, stella-bella.


I didn't think I'd get through that without crying.

[ voice breaking ] me neither.

[ sniffles ]

Hey, dad, check out this video.

It's a teacup pig playing a piano.

[ laughing ] I saw that. Andy sent it to me.


That's what I thought, but then andy and I did some digging.

It turns out pigs are crazy musical.

[ chuckles ] good ol' andy.

Is something up, buddy?

[ sighs ]

I said "no" one time.

And suddenly it's all "andy this" and "andy that."

Well, I didn't mean anything by it.

It just seemed like you needed some space, so I gave it to you.

I get it.

You're at that age when you want to separate.

Yeah, I separate from you, Not the other way around.

Maybe I don't want to do dumb stuff with you all the time, But [sighs]

That doesn't mean you get to replace me.


Are you kidding me? I could never replace you.

If it were up to me, we'd do everything together.


Yeah, I'd go to college with you.

We'd -- we'd be roommates. We'd try to join a frat.

None of them would take us. We'd start our own.

Oh, my god. That sounds amazing.

Why wouldn't they take us?

Well, yeah, they'd take me, but I'd be like, "no way, bradley, not without my little pal, here."

I have mixed feelings about that, dad.

Do you have mixed feelings about a hug?

[ scoffs ] yes.

Well, I need one, so I guess I'm gonna go hug andy.

[ sighs ] fine.

[ chuckles ]

[ laughs ]

Hey, judy, that was a hilarious e-mail.

Pickles are better than men.

[ laughter ] did you get that? It was so --

Have you done any work since you came here?

I'm working the room.

Ah, there he is. Sport coat.

[ laughing ] sport coat?

I can't believe these idiots think you're funny.

Okay. You know, I have a theory Why people here don't like you.

[ sighs ] I know why they don't like me.

It's 'cause dad makes me do all his dirty work.

Look at this list of people I'm supposed to reprimand today.

Let's see here. Um...

Well, he does have a point -- glen does smell. Mm.

I'm gonna start with lucy --

Lucy, the last person who likes me.

Mitchell: Oh, it's okay.

Um, hey, luce.

Hey, claire. I got you one of those cookies that you like.

Oh, don't make this harder than it has to be.

Is there something wrong? Yes.

It's not easy for me to discuss, but, um --

Um, claire, I got this.

It's my complaint. I got it.

Um, lucy... Mm-hmm.

...You're at work, so please dress like it.

These "tops" that you wear are completely inappropriate.

Wow. Sorry to offend you.

You know what? Um...

While I'm at it, uh, glen, shower more often.

Chuck, stop using "reply all."

A-and, doris, no one cares about what you dreamt about last night.

Let's keep in mind this is a place of business, folks, All right?

Whew. This feels good.

Is there a carl?!

Wow! Lawyers. [ scoffs ]

Am I right, sport coat? [ scoffs ]

That's not sport coat.


[ door opens ]

Jay: I'm home.

Oh, hi. How are you feeling?

I'll be fine.

Oh, jay, I'm so proud of you.

You made a sacrifice today.

You did the right thing for your son.

Look how happy he is.

I guess.

Wait a minute.

What's that on his neck? What?

His rash came back.

Ay, no.

[ gasps ]

You must have some stella on you.

No, no, I went to straight to the club after.

Took a shower, maybe cried a little bit in there, Changed clothes to make sure.

Plus, I just got here.

A rash would take longer to come out.

[ sniffs ] what's that smell?

What smell? It smells like flowers or something.

I didn't get any flowers.

I smell something, gloria. What's new around here?

The fact that you noticed something.

It's you.

What's new? What?

Perfume, lipstick?

[ sniffs ] I'm getting lavender with, I want to say rose hips.

It's your face cream!

I did buy some more this morning, but --

The same kind that stella was eating And now you're wearing it again, and his rash is back?

No, it can't be my face cream!

Ay, please don't make me say goodbye to my face cream!

Stella was eating it to save joe!

But that still doesn't explain Why I'm still feeling so much better.

I can breathe for th--

Stella's coming home a hero!

[ door opens, closes ]

Lily, can you come out here, please?

Why do we have to do this?

Because she's become attached, jay.

She's even sleeping with her now.

Hi, grandpa.

Hi, honey.

Lily, do you remember how I said Stella was gonna be staying with us from now on?

Well, it turns out...

She's gonna go home with grandpa.

Okay. Lily, it's important to express your feelings.

Don't bottle them up.


Yay! I can finally sleep without all of her snoring!

All right, enough. Hand her over.

Come here, baby. Oh.

What is that?

Please don't make fun of me. I'm very vulnerable right now.

Can you get me one?