Modern Family S6E14 Script

Valentine's Day 4: Twisted Sister (2015)

Claire: Honey? Phil: Hey.

Did you remember to give alex and luke their lunch money? Ma'am, yes, ma'am.

What about the electrician? Did you give him a check?

He's an electrician -- he'll charge us.

[ sighs ] I'm gonna be late for work, shecky.

Yes, I paid him.

Happy valentine's, by the way.

Mm, no. Mm.

Claire: Gross and sweaty from running.

[ sighs ]

So [groans] for later tonight, You thinking what I'm thinking, valentine?

I believe I am.

Phil: Every valentine's day, Claire and I look forward to some naughty role-playing --

Sexually adventurous cuckolder juliana And clive bixby, Speaker salesman by day, spy by night.

Lover also by night And sometimes during the day.

The speaker business, it -- it pretty much runs itself.

I just want to keep it really low-key this year.

You know, simple.


On the other hand, We could have a drink at that hotel bar we love.

Go on.

And come straight home...

Put on our jammies, And fall asleep in front of the tv.


Looking forward to it already.

Ew, but not those ones I hate, Those red satin pajamas.

I don't even know where those are.

-- Captions by vitac --


I know I'll get over it, But right now I hate anders and cooper. [ groans ]

Our dear friends anders and cooper Got married last valentine's day, And we wanted to get them something really special.

We found this exquisite little painting... Oh...

...Of a winery in napa that we all visited last year.

It was a...Bit pricey, But they're really judge-y and we knew they'd love it.

The problem is, so did we.

Thank you, carmelina.

Oh, and here's s-something you can...

Put in the other room.

[ breathes deeply ]

That was hard. So hard.

Probably how lily's birth mother felt.

Except we don't have nine other paintings by five different painters.

Oh, my god. Mitch, cam.

Oh, god, are we early?

This is so not like us. I'm sorry.

No, no, no. The party's been canceled.

Why? Cooper's left me.

He's filing for divorce.

[ voice breaking ] the marriage is over!

[ sobbing ] ohh.


Ohh, anders. Anders.

I thought we were in love. Mm.

You think you know the person sleeping in the next bedroom.

I'll get us some drinks.

[ whimpers ]

So sad.

Yeah, it doesn't have to be.

If it's really love, You do everything you need to do to get back what you once had.

You're talking about the painting, right?

Of course I am 'cause we don't owe him that anymore.

Go get it! Okay.

Go get it. [ claps ]

You must have big plans today.

This is like your super bowl, right?

I'm sitting it out this year.

The whole holiday's gotten laughably commercial.

Sounds like amy turned you down.

Like a bed in a five-star hotel.

I'll be drowning my sorrows In a marathon of my new favorite true-crime show, "lethal ladies."

Amy may have dumped me, But at least it wasn't off the lido deck of a carnival cruise.

Gloria: I know, sonia! Cállate! [ laughs ] sonia: [ giggles ]

Look who's back -- the sangria sisters.

I invited my sister to visit So that we could fix our problems.

You know, sister things, Like I never liked how she always borrowed my bras, Or she never liked How I stole her one chance to escape the village And I left her there, taking care of my mother.

Things like that.

Jay, they delayed sonia's flight until tomorrow.

Why don't we cancel our dinner reservation And the three of us celebrate valentine's here?

You don't have to do that for me, gloria.

I usually spend valentine's day Selling artificial flowers near the well in my village.

Where do you people live, national geographic?

I just feel so bad.

You have both shown me such kindness this week, And I repay you with bad weather over tampa.

No, this is better.

It gets crazy out there.

I'm happy to avoid the fuss.

Wouldn't have minded a little fuss.

Maybe I've been kind of feeling taken for granted lately.

I know only girls are supposed to care about valentine's day, but --

Ah, what am I crying about?

We get paid more, so what the hell?

[ sighs ] cooper didn't even have the decency To leave me in time to cancel the caterer.

I have 300 of these wasabi shrimp canapés if you're hungry.

Oh, no, thank you.

Sardine rillettes, olive crostini --

What am I supposed to do with all of this?

[ sternly ] carmelina, that's for company.

Cameron: [ clears throat ]

Oh, well, there's cam, so we should probably go.

Oh, you were gone so long, I was afraid you'd woken mother.

Uh, m-mother?

Didn't I mention it?

She's recuperating here, just had both hips replaced.

Ohh. Ohh. Oh, that reminds me --

I should put on the security camera in her room.

Did you get it? Yes.

And guess whose room They keep the last minute wedding gifts in?

Hint -- apparently you need your original hips To keep a nightgown closed.

Well, I'm glad you stopped by.

I really needed this.

[ chuckles ]

Oh, cam, get in here.

Oh, I have a little bit of a sniffle.

Oh, come on. [ chuckles ]

[ picture thuds ] oh!

What's this? Um...

Uh, that is, um --

That's a wedding gift for you and cooper, But once we heard, we didn't think it was appropriate.

Oh, are you kidding? There's no bad time for a gift.

I'm -- I'm sorry it's so late.

We just wanted to get you something That you would really cherish.

Pretty much the best gift we've ever given anyone.

Yeah, it's -- it's a beautiful...

Cheese plate!

Yes, I got that from the...

Whimsical phrasing.

Are you sure you won't stay for one more, Especially now since I've got this Stylish cheese-delivery system?

Just one, yeah. Great.


What happened?!

Obviously there were two gifts wrapped similarly, And my eyes were watering From the think fog of vaporub back there.

Okay, well, we got nothing to lose now, So go back and get the painting.

You know who gave him that cheap thing?

J'marcus. She's got the first dollar she ever earned --

Just go!

Jay: Once sonia blew up my valentine's day, I could have sat around feeling sorry for myself.

Instead, I had a little chuckle, and I got the dog a gift.

I know it's silly getting stella a present...

So close to her birthday.

Is she around?

I think she's upstairs in the bath.

What? I just gave her a bath this morning.


Oh, you're talking about stella.

Wait, you got the dog a gift?

Lot of attitude For a guy whose date's a tub of ice cream and a fuzzy robe.

You're spending valentine's day in a "cathy" cartoon.

Hey, what's all this?

I thought the three of us were just gonna order something in.

No. I ruined your night enough.

I'm cooking for you and gloria So you can have a romantic evening alone.

Sonia, you don't have to do this. I want to.

It makes me so happy to prepare food for you.

Maybe someday I'll be preparing it for a husband of my own.

Thank you for not laughing and falling on the floor Like my mother does when I say such things.

You know, it being valentine's day and all, I, uh --

I got you a little something.

Ooh, laundry?



I can't.

Come on! Open it.

Here, see that "s" there?

That's for "sonia."

Oh, jay, it's so beautiful.

I don't know what to...

Thank you!

[ laughs ]

When will I learn?

I'm catnip to sister-in-laws.

Years ago, I was sitting next to dede's sister cece At thanksgiving dinner, And I threw a little charm her way.

You know, flash the baby blues.

And before I know it, She's rubbing her size 12s up and down my shin.

Dede caught her, went over the table at her.

It took me and her sister bebe to separate them.

[ cellphone rings ]

Hey, where are you?

I've been trying you for 15 minutes.

Claire: I know. We ran late.

And then the car wouldn't start, so I had to call aaa.

They said they're on their way, but who knows? [ chuckles ]

I'm all greasy.

Oh, honey, I don't think I'm gonna make it. Don't be mad.

I am mad.

You were supposed to be here 20 minutes ago.

This is the one night we set aside for us.

I know, and I feel terrible, But [sighs] listen, finish your drink, come on home.

Maybe we'll have a romantic easter.

Check, please.

I understand that your wife has had some car trouble.

I wonder how that could have happened?

I must say, juliana, You're the last person I expected to see here tonight.

Well, with any luck, you'll be the last person I do see tonight.

[ chuckles ] oh, my god.

Phil, I've had my eye on you for years.

I'm just so happy We're finally gonna get some alone time.

I'm not scaring you, am I?

Quite the contrary.

Most women who meet me Almost instantly ask for some alone time.

Mm. [ cellphone chimes ]

Excuse me.

Darn it!

My showing was pushed up tomorrow morning.

I-I may have to make it an early one.

Are you sure?

'cause you only have one night with me, tiger, And I'm as flexible As a government-insured, zero-down, Variable-rate mortgage.

Who are you?

What do you say we get out of here?

What are you doing? Run, run!

But we haven't even paid for this.

We're outlaws, baby. Go, go!

That was such a rush! Ah!

You've never stolen anything before? [ elevator bell dings ]

Only the entire show of my high-school production of "the wiz,"

But I don't think that's --

Oh, glass elevator. Should make for an exciting view.

It will for the people on the street.

Oh, my god.

I didn't even hear them get on.

Well, maybe it's time for an ear cleaning.

I don't know, you just sluiced them out pretty good.

I'm getting kind of hot, phil.

What do you say we cool off a bit?

Aw, that would have been great, juliana.

Too bad it's after...Dark. [ beeps ]


You were right, juliana.

This cool night air is just the thing.

Would the lady like my coat So she doesn't catch a col--

Does that mean what I think it does?

[ water splashes ]

Water's a little chilly.

Think you can come in here and help me warm it up?

Baby, they haven't built a pool I couldn't warm a little.

Where's cam? Uh, tinkling again.

Nature calls so often, I think she has him on speed dial.

[ chuckles ]

[ alarm beeps ] oh, what's that?

The motion-detector alarm in mother's room In case she falls out of bed.

I turn it on during cocktails, When I tend to forget [laughing] she's even there. [ chuckles ]

What's going on? She all right? Oh.

Yeah, yeah, she's just tossing her leg a little bit.

Oh, that kicky thing?

She's either having her rockettes dream Or her catheter's out.

Mitchell: [ sighs ] anders: She's fine.

[ chuckles ] [ sighs ]

[ growling ] oh, we're out of ice!

The nightmare continues!



Hey, I got it.

Mitchell: Okay, put it back.

I can't possibly have heard you correctly.

There is a box over there with a santangelo glass bowl That they got us for our wedding.

We'll just say that the cheese plate was a little joke And that the real present is in the other room.


You know, your coming around today Reminded me that cooper and I got you a wedding gift.

You did?

[ chuckling ] well, now, this is a surprise.

Well, even though it doesn't say so on it, It's a fish! Congrats.

Oh, my god! Plastic olive swords?

Carmelina, are you trying to be deported?! Mitchell: [ sighs ]

All right, I got it back.

What is that?

This is anders' wedding present to us.

He must have swapped it out When he opened that monstrosity that he thinks we got him.

[ scoffs ] we're getting our painting back.

Go. Me?

No, no. You've already done a recon of the room. You need to do this.

Okay, take it easy, "mission impossible."

It's a bed and a couch, not a laser maze.

Now get.

[ groans ] [ sighs ]

A little champagne, and dinner will be ready in 10 minutes.

Ay, gracias!

Oh, jay, thank you so much for my new bracelet.

You shouldn't have.

And speaking of jewelry and "shouldn't haves,"

I was feeling sorry for sonia, And I gave her a little trinket.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Yeah, but now the poor kid's got the hots for me.

I don't know what it is.

Maybe I just don't know my own power.

I mean, you must get that sometimes.

Don't be mad.

[ laughing ]

And don't be whatever that is, either.

She hugged me and wouldn't let go.

Mm. It's not that crazy.

This has happened before.

Oh, yeah, that time When dede's lonely sister grabbed your leg?

Not lonely. She's a forest ranger. Mm.

She can't be tied down.

Look, before I shuffle back to my bell tower, Let me just say I know the look.

Ay, jay, please.

I'm so sorry that I didn't pay attention to you at all today.

And now you're all crazy. [ laughs ]

Sonia: Gloria, I can't find the candlesticks!

Ay, don't worry. I go help you!

[ thud ] ay!

Gloria, are you all right? [ groans ]

My ankle!

Why is joe's toy here?

Oh, gee, you really twisted it, huh? Ay, ay, ay, ay!

All right, honey. Let me get some ice on that.

Sonia: I heard a crash. Is everything okay?

Yeah, gloria turned her ankle.

I don't know if she's gonna make it down for dinner.

Oh, no!

Should I bring your food upstairs?

No, she just wants to rest.

She told me to eat with you downstairs.

She doesn't want to make any --


That was the most exciting night of my life.

[ breathing deeply ]

Would it break the mood if I clapped a little?

No, I will allow it.

[ chuckles, sighs ]

Ooh, look, they have the good q-tips.

I'm gonna steal us a bunch.

I'm gonna miss juliana.

That lady knows where the bodies are buried.

Oh, thanks, honey.

I know some years I miss the mark on valentine's day.

This year, I wanted to make sure --

She's just so adventurous and surprising.

It's like I was parched, And she quenched my thirst with a big goblet of "wow."

Hmm. Well, we'll have to make sure your goblet doesn't get so low Before we fill her up again.

I don't know what that means, but anyway, I'm kind of thinking maybe we'll just go home.

That showing really is early, and I need to be sharp.

Are you sure? I thought you wanted to sleep here.

Yeah, I got caught up in the whole juliana moment.

Hey, would you see if there's any sewing kits? I think we're out.


Something was off, But I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

Claire, let's get a move on!

I'm coming. I'm coming. Hang on.

Well, look who's back.

Oh. Yeah, well, I would have changed, But this is all I brought.

Change? When you're perfect?

Oh, that's so nice.

Oh, my, god, look at that. It really has gotten late, hasn't it?

Not for a lady of the evening like yourself, juliana.

What's say we fog up that glass elevator again And grab a nightcap in the bar?

Then I put my finger on it --

My husband's in love with another woman.

You like that, don't you? Mmm, yeah.

Poor gloria, though, huh?

She'll be fine.

Oh, you have a little something --

Oh, I'll get it this time.

[ chuckles ]

Oh, excuse me.

[ bell dings ]

Oh, the soup is ready. I'll bring some for gloria.

I'm not crazy, right?

No. She's into you.

Thank god you wandered down here when you did.

You see how she keeps sliding close to me?

It's like eating on a boat.

It's so much worse than that.

It's straight out of "lethal ladies."

Look what I found in the trash.

Pictures of me and gloria with gloria's head cut out?

She literally wants mom out of the picture.

Hold on, amigo.

Is she infatuated with me? Yes.

Understandable, unavoidable.

But would she actually do something to her own --

[ gasps ] what?!

She just took a bottle out of her purse And sprinkled it into mom's soup.

Okay, that's enough of this dumb tv show for you.

We're talking about a perfectly believable obsession.

You're trying to make this into something that's --

Sonia: Here, manny.

That's for me? What about jay?

Oh, it's too spicy for him.

I make another one just like yours for your mother.

Eat it while it's hot. Okay.

Oh, my god.

She wants me out of the picture, too.

Of course.

Young woman meets a wealthy, older man.

Who wants a kid in the way?

That's the first airtight thing you've said today.

But she's not a murderer

[ spoon clatters ] oh! Oh!

Stella, no!

Oh, that's nice. You'd let me eat the soup.

Just clean it up.

Open your eyes, jay.

She wants you all to herself.

The red dress just like mom's, The toy she knew mom would trip on, The headless pictures?

She's crazy!

You think I'm crazy?

This is what I did with the pictures.

I made this valentine for gloria.

The dress I borrowed from gloria To go with your pretty necklace.

And the "poison" is guasca, A spice I brought from colombia.

And there's stella with the toy.

Which she leaves all over the house.

There's been some misunderstanding here, But it would be so super If you just wouldn't mention this to --

Gloria: Me?! Geez!

As loud as these two are, the move like cats.

I heard everything on the baby monitor.

How can you say these things about my sister?

I was just trying to be nice, jay.

I will call a cab and wait at the airport.

Now I know what your family really thinks of me.

Sonia, wait! Ay!

[ grunts ]

I have been working on fixing my relationship with sonia The whole week, And because you think you're a sex machine, You have ruined everything.

I'm sorry. I'll talk to her.

Sonia, I'm an idiot.

I jumped to some crazy conclusions today.

I mean, I could say it's because of valentine's Or, I don't know, Me feeling a little neglected, But I know you could never --

Kiss me.

Yes, because you're my sister-in-law and, uh --

[ gasps ]

We hid it perfectly, jay!

Sonia, wait!

We've waited long enough!

One night with me, and you'll forget all about her.

She doesn't appreciate you.

I hear how you fight!

That's just how we talk.

Give in to it, jay. We both --

Oh, no.


I knew it!

How dare do you try to steal the life That I stole from you?!

Let him go, gloria! I love him!


He's my husband, and I love him more!

[ quietly ] ladies, ladies, stop. [ women grunting ]

[ gasps ] w-who are you?

I-I-I'm a friend of you son's.

Oh, thank goodness.

I twisted my neck, and I need my pillow.

I'm in agony.

Anders: [ sighs ]

Yes, mother moving in was inconvenient, But what did he want me to do, just get rid of her?

Who does that?

I mean, a ghoul, that's who.

Oh, no! What's wrong?

Um [sighs]

Uh -- oh, nothing. I was just reliving the moment You told us about you and cooper. Aww. [smooches]

[ sighs ] you're so dear.

You know that -- that fish I gave you and mitchell?

That really wasn't the gift we picked out for you.

Really? No, I was just being mean.

Ohh. It's just that, when I saw that cheese plate, I just --

Wait a minute. Did --

Did you give us that because cooper and I Talked about opening up a little cheese shop?

Yes! Why else?

How sweet! [ chuckles ]

Carmelina's probably halfway home with it, But I can make her walk back.

And this...

[ gasps ] this is for you.

[ voice breaking ] we really were so happy for you.

Oh, anders. [ chuckles ]

Well, we should probably get going, but look who is up.

Oh! Mother, where's your hat?

Oh. Look, anders gave us the bowl after all.

It's a good thing you couldn't get the painting.

We couldn't take it now.

Well, enjoy the bowl.

It's about time you boys had something pretty in the house.


Oh, you're fine.

I love you.

Your husband's noticing another woman, There's only one thing to do --

Step up your game.

I just can't wait to get in a hot bath And soak this infected toenail.

It's much easier just to take the other bitch down.

Well, I-I like the sound of that bath.

I assume the tub will be ringed with scented candles?

Oh, well, I've got candles. I got candles everywhere.

Ever since my boyfriend stopped paying my bills, They turned off the electricity.

Leaving us to generate our own electricity.

Although, candles can be nice If you're in the mood for, say, some dirty dancing.

Oh, I hate that movie.

What?! [ gasps ]

There I must passionately disagree. Huh.

Or was that your game all along?

[ inhales sharply ]

Okay, if it's an argument you want, fine.


Of course johnny's gonna fall for baby Because he's this big, dreamy country bumpkin And she is the shiny, new thing.

But what happens when the movie is over, When he really gets to know her, huh?

Two weeks out of the catskills, and it's, "you wearing that again, baby?

"you borrow my razor again, baby?

Isn't two glasses enough, baby?"

Trust me, he is no longer having the time of his life.


Juliana, wait. No. [ groans ]

Honestly, it is one minute to 12:00, phil.

Valentine's day is over.

Not quite.

[ sighs ]

I can't see you anymore.


I can't believe I'm saying this Because you're the most intoxicating woman a man could ever meet.

[ chuckles ]

But, by some cosmic miracle, There's a woman in that house That I still find as sexy and exciting As the first day I met her.

I should probably let her know that more often than I do.

That's my bad.

But, point is, A guy like me gets that lucky, he quits while he's ahead.


It sounds to me like she's the lucky one.

Goodbye, juliana.

Where are you going?

Sorry. Aren't -- aren't we --

Don't -- don't beg.

It's beneath you.

Um, but I --

Please, go. My wife will see you.

Go? Go where?

Don't make this harder than it is.


Juliana, no.




Aah! [ both laugh ]

¶ best valentine's day ever ¶

¶ best valentine's day ever ¶

[ scatting ]

[ humming ]

You know, I don't know why you're so happy.

I have tried the santangelo in six different places, And it just makes me hate everything in our house.

We're moving.

We're moving.