Modern Family S6E4 Script

Marco Polo (2014)

Oh! Not so bad.

Haley: Better than it looks from the outside.

Oh, drop the cool-girl act.

It's perfect!

So, it turns out our house has mold --

Which is not a reflection on this excellent homemaker.

Anyway, we have to vacate the house While it's being treated.

I got us the last room at a hotel nearby.

I was a little concerned about the five of us sharing a room, But for one night?

I don't know. Could be fun. [ chuckles ]

[ cello playing ]

Watch it! Look out!

Haley, I need the wi-fi corner. Get down.

Ugh, I need instagram To know there's still beauty in the world!

[ blender whirring ] luke, you'll set off the dogs!

[ dogs barking ] ugh!

Look what I got from the vending machine In the lobby -- a charleston chew.

Remember these?

Can someone please tell the nigerian family To shut their dogs up?! Check it out!

According to this wrapper, We can win tickets to the 2005 all-star game!

I think I'm most excited about the night.

It's gonna be like camping. Yeah.

Okay, does anybody else need to use the bathroom?

No. Mnh-mnh.

Great. Oh, finally.

[ sighs ] ugh. I forgot my night guard.

[ groans ] sorry, mom.

What am I thinking? This isn't my book.

Great -- now that we talked about it, I need to use the bathroom again.

What is the point of a last call...

Coming through!

...If you guys are just gonna do whatever -- ow!

Someone else sleep in the tub tonight. Like haley.

Haley: Hey!

Okay, now that we're all here, can we just --

[ train whistle blowing ]


It's that stupid train.

It's gonna wake up those stupid dogs.

They're gonna start their stupid barking And -- [ inhales sharply ]

[ train whistle stops ]

They didn't hear it.

Quiet, everybody. No "good nights."

[ toilet flushes ]

[ dogs barking ] aah!


-- Captions by vitac --

¶¶¶ Son of a gun. Ray chapman just died.

[ gasps ] I know!

He used to give me the best bonings.

You're thinking of our butcher -- ray eastman.

I hope.

No, chapman was a navy buddy.

I always meant to write to him.

Oh, jay, that's so sad.

It's like they say -- you cannot put these things off.

[ vehicle approaching ] whew.

Thanks god manny's here.

I always get so nervous When he goes out with that older boy, sam.

I guess I could try texting the widow.

They always stay in the driveway like that.

What are they doing?

Jay, go look.

Gloria, can't you do it?

No, I can't do it because you know That he always say that I am nosey.

And manny's been acting very suspicious lately.

I think that that older boy's a bad influence on him.

Can you see? Looks like he's driving a mustang.

Pretty sweet one, too.

What the hell? What?

They're kissing. [ gasps ]

Sam's a girl. [ gasps sharply ]

That gets the bigger reaction?

Manny has a girlfriend, and he has not told me?

Here he comes, and let's not ambush him with a bunch of questions.

No. He's probably gonna want to play this pretty cool.

[ keys jingling ]

[ keys clatter ]

Oh, hey, guys.

Well, heading up. No, wait!

How was your night?

Oh, you know, just teens being teens.

Anyway, big game tomorrow. Night. [ sighs ]

Manny's first girlfriend is a senior with a mustang.

I'd have put my money on a sophomore with a mustache.

You've been sawing At that chicken fried steak for 10 minutes.

Just order something else. Mitchell, it's game day.

I can't. It's my lucky meal.

Oh, god. Here we go.

Well, that's attractive.

You look like a puppy with a slipper.

Under my leadership, the varsity football team Is now 5-0 -- new school record, very exciting.

Cam, I can smell your hat from over here.

Can I please just pop it in the laundry?

And wash the luck off? I've worn it to every game. [ sighs ]

See, he knows nothing about sports.

That's why I've given him a pass.

He doesn't have to go to games.

Although -- I-I do -- I hear it's fun.

Three hours on a splintery plank With parents squealing with delight As their children maim each other.

He'd know if he came. The seats are aluminum now.


Some pie on the house, coach. Oh!

Oh, and that couple over there picked up your tab.

[ chuckling ] oh! Thank you. Aww.

At least I'm getting some perks out of all this craziness And -- nope, they just covered your part.

[ birds chirping ]

Lot of pool out there. [ television playing ]

How about some marco polo?

Together: Nah.

Just like the old days, huh?

No. Unh-unh.

Not it! Dad! Really!

Bunch of complainers out here, huh?

Honey, I'm gonna go for a run, And then maybe after we go for a swim. Okay.


[ door opens ]

[ can spraying ] [ door closes ]

Ugh. What's that?

It's a body spray called sex grenade.

One of the divorced dads in the hotel recommended it.

That smell is driving me crazy.

Then it's working.

[ can spraying ] ugh.

What the hell? It's stuck.

Unh! No!

[ all screaming ]

Get away from us!

There's nowhere else to go!

I can't breathe!

Open the door!

[ coughing ]

[ screaming ]

There's an actual maid service at this hotel?!

Dad, no! Aah!

[ gasps ]

It's empty.

We're okay, guys.

I'm gonna toss this.

[ breathing heavily ]

When something like that happens, It makes you think, huh?

Luke! Seriously?!

[ birds chirping ]


[ scanner beeps ] nope.

I mean, what am I doing?

I am totally at the wrong room.

Are you? I'm sorry, phil.

It's not what it looks like.

Rumpled bed, wine... [ door closes ]


I knew it!

[ breathing heavily ]

You've been sleeping by yourself.

[ exhales sharply ]

How could you? I am so sorry.

I just couldn't take it anymore, And I needed a place where -- what is that smell?


Family meeting in the living room.

Aren't we already in -- in the living room!

There's no easy way to say this.

Your mother's leaving us.

She's found another room that makes her happy.

I don't understand. Shh!

It's not your fault.

Okay, look, I needed a little space, And there was a room that opened up down the hall --

Then one thing led to another.

Spare us, claire.

So, wait. Mom's staying in that other room?

You can visit her on the weekends.

Aren't we here for just one more day?

Shh. I knew you'd be the one to lash out.

If mom is staying in an empty room, Why can't some of us stay with her?

You happy, claire?

You're breaking up the family.

No, guys, your father is right. This is my fault.

I should go back to my room And just think about what I've done.

Ugh. Come on. We hate it here.

I cannot look at that red hair In the shower drain one more second.

Look around here, people. None of us have red hair.

Okay, one of you has to go with your mom, So we'll do this the democratic way.

Whoever pulls the short crust --

Come on, dad. No, I don't want to do that.


You all want to go, then go.

Turn your back on your father, just spare me The empty apologies and the crocodile... Okay.

Finally. ...Tears.

I call "no bathtub." [ door opens ]

Another good-luck gift basket, daddy.

Oh, they just let 7-year-olds sign for these. Okay.

How nice!

Let's see what we've got here.

What do they send if they don't like you?

"go, coach, go dolphins!"


I don't know. It seems a little "go" heavy.

Pink salt?

What is wrong with people?

Okay, I got to skedaddle.

I'll see you guys after the big game.

All right, then. [ door closes ]

And we're waiting because -- forgot my keys.

Yes, you did. Right over there.

Every time. Yes, every time.

I forgot them on the day of our first win, And it's worked ever since.

Now scooch to the left.

I'm not letting you do the coffee-table thing again.

Mitchell, superstitions are a big part of sports. [ sighs ]

And witchcraft and cults and voodoo, but --

Hey, look, you know what?

I'm not asking you to like football, But I like football.

Football was everything to me growing up.

I was just a big, gay farm kid Until I joined the football team and I finally fit in.

Now, I don't expect you to like it.

I don't expect you to come to the games.

But I do expect you to be 5% less condescending.

Now scooch.

[ inhales sharply ]

[ leg bangs ] ugh! Okay!

Ohh! Ohh! Go, dolphins!

Ohh! [ door closes ]

It's too much -- the car keys, the coffee table, Your roller skate on the front porch.

[ thud ] ohh! Ohh!

[ sighs ] I-is there any chocolate in any of these?

You'll have to scrape it off this sun-dried tomato.

I suppose on some level, it's possible That he might have a point.

I hate sports. I do.

But if you had my dad and my upbringing...

I mean, have you ever been picked last for a team, lily?

Well, at gym the other day, these mean girls --

I mean, you have no idea, lily, the bullying and the teasing.

They put me in the ball bag.

If I am a little dismissive, It's only because of my harrowing backstory.

They said if I told, they would kill you and daddy.

Oh, my god.

I've -- I've been making this all about myself.

I haven't even been thinking about cam.

[ sighs ] this is crazy.

Yes, this is crazy.

Who cares if I like football?

Daddy likes football, And I like daddy, so -- I need to tell him.

I need to tell him I'm gonna be more supportive, And I need to -- oh, honey, are you calling him for me?

Yes, I have a complaint.

Can I please talk to harry or david?

I believe you're referring to my bold new scent --

"sex gre-nod."

Is that for sam, your friend that is a girl, But has the name of a boy?

[ sighs ] I knew you were spying on me last night.

Yes, I have a girlfriend.

Let me save you some snooping.

She's smart. She's pretty. She's a senior.

She's our high school's "it" girl, And "it" dumped the captain of the basketball team for me.

So, you're only 15, and you go out with the senior.

Are you sure you want to play that game?

Are you? I just want to --

Mom, you're butting in.

I just want to meet her.

Oh, absolutely not.

It's way too early.

Promise me you'll stay out of this until I'm ready.

[ grunts ]

That's as close as you're gonna get to a "yes."

Okay, I got to go get ready.

Sam's gonna pick me up for a bite before the game.

Jay, I don't like this.

Eh, it's not my favorite exit of his, But it beats the dramatic stage bow.

No, that girl is too advanced for him.

I don't want her to force him To do anything that he doesn't want to.

I think he'll be okay with whatever she wants to do.

[ horn honks ] [ gasps ] ay!

Okay, you go because I cannot butt in.

Maybe you can talk to her.

Maybe you can put the fear of god into her!

What, bust her windshield? Break her pinkie?

I go disconnect the security camera.

Jay: Nice ride. Thanks.

You know, manny's not really used to...Fast cars.

And I don't know what your intentions are With this mustang, but, um, I suggest you take things nice and slow.

We clear?

Um, sounds like you really want me to drive slow.

No, uh, what I think I'm saying is, um, hands can do things.

No, uh, hang on. [ horn honks ]

Young people have urges, which is only natural.

I also have urges. Okay.

I mean, the point is, you're 18.

I have my eye on you.

Jay, what are you doing? Go inside.

No means no!



[ whistle blows ] win!

[ cheers and applause ] [ laughs ] yes!

Announcer: And with 4 minutes left in the second quarter... Yes!

...That's dolphins -- 27... Yes!

...Badgers -- nothing.

[ laughing ] all right! What a game!

Our guys were playing like they come From a much poorer neighborhood.

You don't think it's funny That we haven't seen that girl, sam, The one named for a boy?

I mean, it's a big game.

If she was really his girlfriend, she --

Gloria, be realistic.

What do you want, her standing in the first row With a sign saying "go, manny"?

I'm just saying that -- 'cause that's what she's doing.

That's her?

She's pretty.

She made that sign for him?

I told you, she's a great girl.

And look -- she used glitter, for god's sakes.

Jay, I think that she really likes him. Look.

She looks at him the same way that I look at him.

So sweet. And in her case, healthy.

[ sighs ]

[ cheers and applause ] go, dolphins!

We're really giving our fans Their money's worth tonight, boys.

Oh [chuckles] he came.

Announcer: He's at the 30, at the 20, The 10, and he's in for a touchdown.

Badgers score. What?!

We haven't let anyone run back a kick all year.

What happened? [ whistle blows ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

Run! Tackle! Try!

[ whistle blows ] [ crowd booing ]

Announcer: Touchdown, badgers.

What's going on, coach?

All of a sudden, everyone's just off.


At least mitchell finally made it to a game.


Focus, defense.

They got two players hurting us.

It's not that much to keep track of!

Shoot. Mustard.

I couldn't tell manny because it would kill him, And I couldn't tell gloria because she would kill me.

Hell of a way to ruin a nice hot dog.

Announcer: End of the third quarter, and we're all tied up.

Mitchell: Coach tucker!

Okay, hey, everybody, grab a cup of water.

Maybe you could hold on to those, huh?

How exciting is this, huh?

Oh, you dropped your little clipboard.

I thought you had a work dinner tonight.

I did, but I blew them off.

I'd rather be here supporting the team.

You better go, dolphins!

Yeah, love that, but, you know, the game's almost over.

You might want to beat traffic, so...

I thought you'd be happy that I was here.

Why do I feel like you're trying to get rid of me?

I have no idea. It's not because you're a jinx.

A jinx? Do you think I'm a jinx?

No! No, no, no, no, no.

This all can't be on you.

I'm hearing a lot of things That sound like the opposite of what you're --

Hey, coach! We need a play.

And malcolm just got stung by a bee.

I got to go. A bee?! Okay, get some baking soda.

[ insects chirping ]

Hey, do you guys know where the bar is?

You're here, my friend.

What are you in the mood for?

Well, I'd like my wife and kids back, But I'd take a chardonnay.

Ah, I thought you had that look about you.

I'm lester. This is carl. Phil.

Hey, carl. Hey.

I know it hurts now, but, uh, Being a man-about-town, on your own, has its perks.

This is on me.

Ah. So, who left who?

She did.

She said she needed some space, Got her own place, and took the kids.

Chin up, my friend.

Adventure awaits.

Carl, could you swipe me?

Nacho machine ate my card.

Phil. [ keypad beeps ]

Hey, ayoola. This is my neighbor here.

Pool? Oh, no, thanks.

I don't think I'd be much fun right now. Okay.

Phil, buddy, You get an offer like that, you got to jump on it, Even if it's just a one-time thing.

I don't know -- she's nice, her kids seem great, But I don't even speak her language.

Who said anything about speaking?

I think you guys have got the wrong idea.

My wife's getting back tomorrow.

Oh, of course she is, champ. Oh.


Uh, I'm just saying, life is short, And why deny yourself a little innocent fun?

Your wife certainly hasn't. [ telephone ringing ]

I'm not sure I'm up for it.

Okay, but don't wait too long to start living life, phil.

Thanks, guys.

You know, when you don't think about Who was in there before you, A hotel bath can be really quite relaxing.

Do you know if alex got my text?

Your swipe-card wine.

Thank you.

Hey, so, I was talking To those sad guys that are in the lobby, And they said the hotel's been half-empty all week.

Half-full, honey.

Be positive for once in your life.

Okay, not quite the point I was making.

I want to hear your point, but right now, This magic juice is gonna help mama Turn that bathtub into a swim-up bar.

I'm just saying we could have been In two hotel rooms this entire time.

Okay. Wait.

[ door closes ] so, dad put us through hell for nothing?

Do you guys hear that?

The sound of my hero falling off his pedestal?

Uh, no.

The sound of your hero Playing with the nigerians in the pool.

Okay, so, when I say "marco" --

Hi, marco. No, no, I'm phil.

I'm gonna say "marco" and then --

Hi, phil.

Let's take it from the top.

I'm gonna close my eyes.

No, no, not -- not you, ayoola.

You keep your eyes open.

Can you open -- marco!

No, uh, iyapo, can you stay in the pool?

That way, when I say "marco" -- hi, marco.

Come on.

He has a room to himself, and that's what he's doing?

I mean, he's basically a hyperactive toddler That just wants to play all the time.

[ chuckles ] yeah.

Although it's really more about wanting to spend time with us.

It's kind of all dad ever wants.

That's true.

He's, like, obsessed with us.

Do you think he lied about the hotel being booked Just so we'd all have to spend time together?

And we totally ditched him.

Even after he jumped on that sex grenade for us.

[ door opens ] oops.

[ chuckles ] butterfingers. I spilled my wine in the tub.

Would you mind, sweetie?


Announcer: Only 6 seconds left.

The dolphins still down by 3.

Cameron: 40 short yards, 6 long seconds.

We've got this. On three, "go, dolphins."

Two, three... Together: Go, dolphins!

All right, manny, this is a real hail mary.

Win or lose, I still have a hot girlfriend.


Announcer: Dolphins come to the line.

There's the snap.

Tommy park back to pass.

Hit it! Hit it! He's got a receiver.

Boom! Touchdown, dolphins!

[ cheers and applause ] we won! Mitchell, we won!


Oh, no!

Mitchell: Hello? Mitchell, we won!

And I looked back, and you weren't there!

Please don't be mad at me.

I'm on the fence.

I don't blame you.

I feel stupid for making you think this was all your fault.

No! I'm on the fence.

Look to your right.




I was trying to leave, And then I got stuck on this fence With -- my -- my pant leg is --

What were you thinking?

We both know you're not a good climber.

Well, I know that.

There's a parking lot right over there.

I'm parked over here.

Sit right -- sit right -- sit right there.

Sit right there. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, okay, put me down. Two, three.

[ exhales sharply ] you don't have to throw me.

[ exhales sharply ]

Look, I -- I get why you don't want me here.

I-I know there's no such thing as bad luck, But there -- there is bad energy, And I bring a lot of that to your whole sports world.

And that's -- that's because of my own history with it And [sighs] you deserve better.

I couldn't do better.

You know what?

Why can't we look at sports like one of those friends That one of us likes and the other doesn't?

Sports can be like your mom.


[ chuckles ]

You know, actually, I-I didn't hate this.

Oh, shut up. No, I didn't.

I-I was kind of getting into the whole football culture.

There is an elegance that this has --

Aah! No!

[ laughter ] no! This is vicuna!

You neanderthals! Oh! Aah!

[ door closes ]

Hey. Great game, champ.


You okay?

Yeah, just a little tired.

It was a big day. Good night.

Night, kid.

Hey, wait a second.

Your team just won six straight.

Let's celebrate with a little scotch.

You're old enough for your first sip.

She dumped me, jay.

Okay, we're gonna do this.

She was just using me to make her old boyfriend jealous.

Now they're back together.

Don't tell mom, okay?

I had a sense she didn't like sam.

Really? She didn't say anything.

[ exhales sharply ] my first girlfriend.

She was perfect.

Eh, a little wide in the can.

Jay. I'm sorry. Just...

You ask me, you're lucky.

She dumped me by text While making out with her old boyfriend.

I broke down crying. My charcoal ran like mascara.

I had to be comforted by the other team's mascot.

Lucky? Think about it.

How many guys your age would kill To be used by a girl like sam?

She picked you.

She used you.

I was a body, jay. Come on.

If she had picked an average guy, That boyfriend never would have got jealous.

She had to pick a guy on his level.

Yeah. Maybe.

Oh, I'm not gonna lie to you.

It sucks, and sometimes it's got to suck for a while.

I just wish I could say some magic words Or give you a hug -- make it all go away.

[ footsteps approaching ]

Can I still have a sip of that scotch like you said?

Okay, I just opened a bottle, A beautiful 18-year-old, full-bodied.

Sam! Okay. Okay.

[ crying ]

[ note plays ]

Alex: Marco!




Together: Marco!

Polo! Polo! Polo!

Who rings the bell in the middle of the night?

It is the creepiest thing.

I'm sure it's just, I don't know, Some guy's car broke down and he wants to use our phone.

Have you ever seen a movie?

Okay, do you remember how sad I was When you guys left the hotel room?

Phil, what is on the other side of that door?

Hi, marco. Hey, guys.

It's possible they misunderstood me When I said, "you guys should stop by."

Yeah, "you guys should stop by."


Hey. [ dog barks ]

All right. Uh...

[ dogs barking ] alex: What is happening?!