Modern Family S6E6 Script

Halloween 3: AwesomeLand (2014)

Cam: Look -- in the hallway!

It's a bird! It's a plane!

[ panting ]

It's super-out-of-breath.

Happy Halloween to you, too.

I'm sorry. I'm just --

I'm really nervous about this closing argument today.

Is it because you've lost three cases in a row?

Whispering it doesn't make it any less painful.

Sorry. Okay.

No, it's just that this case --

It's so hard to hold the jury's attention.

Well, do you want to run your argument by me?

Could I? Sure.

Um, okay.

Six years ago, alger equities took investments From municipal pension funds and private investors And funneled all of that into offshore --

And I've already lost you.

No. I was just thinking -- because it's Halloween, What if you wore these in the courtroom?

Show the jury "hey, I'm playful."

[ chuckles ]

Cam, I'm an attorney, Not bugs bunny trying to hide on a train.

I'm ready.

There's waldo!

I think I'm gonna win the costume contest.

Hey, now, honey, it's not important if you win.

It's just for fun. Picture.

But it's more fun if you win.

No offense, daddy.

You know, lily's been letting me know recently That she's feeling neglected.

I think it's because of all my football stuff.

That's why I went all out on her costume.

Look how incredibly accurate it is.

Where is that little guy?

Come on. Come to me. Come on.

Here you -- here you go.

No matter how long he stares at it, Cam cannot find waldo.

It's crazy.

O-once, he pointed to a barber pole, And we just gave it to him.

Where is the little guy?

He's right there.

How do you find it so...

Let's try these.

-- Captions by vitac --

¶¶¶ Gloria: Okay.

Boys, what do you think about my costume for tonight?

You look dynamite, honey.

Ay, thank you. I am princess fiona.

So does that make me a prince?

Do I have to keep track of a crown all night?

No, you're shrek, the ogre.

You mean that big green thing?

Nah, I don't want to walk around all night With an ugly rubber mask.

No. You just need to paint your face green, and that's it.

Ouch. Yeah, ouch.

You do this every time.

You go as a princess. I have to go as some freak.

You're beauty, I'm the beast.

You're beyoncé, I'm...That guy.

Well, you never want to go shopping with me for costumes, So I get what I want, and you are what comes with it.

Well, this year, I'm getting my own costume, And it's gonna be tough and manly --

Maybe a cowboy or a construction worker.

You know that that's what mitch and cam wore last year, right?

Ow! Damn it! I cut my finger!

Ha ha. Happy Halloween.

No, really -- I cut myself. Look!

Wow. That looks great.

What'd you use to make the blood?

A knife. I'm actually hurt.

Ooh! Great production value, sweetheart.

I'm impressed.

Can't believe I've got to go to work on Halloween.

This blows! Don't worry.

By the time you get home, Awesomeland will be up and runnin'.

Claire's busy with work this year, So I'm taking over the Halloween duties.

My theme is awesomeland.

Which includes anything phil finds awesome.

It's a pretty big umbrella.

Ooh! Big, pretty umbrellas -- those are awesome.


Claire loves blood and guts and gore, But who says Halloween has to be scary?

Everybody but you.

This is killing her.

At least something's dying.

Court is now in session.

Counselor, are you ready to deliver closing arguments?

Yes, your honor.

Well, let's get --

Wait. Where is holly?

Sorry, your honor. My bus was late.

[ light laughter ]

Counselor, proceed.


Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, The details of this case are -- are complicated and technical But they have a, uh, a tragic and profound effect On the victims.

[ giggles ]

Uh, the, um...

Pensions were squandered, lives were destroyed, And careers, once so promising, were now...Ruined.

So, because of this marriage, You're basically third cousins with shakira.

I mean, we don't get the free tickets, but it's fun.

[ vocalizes fanfare ]

Ay, dios mío. What is this?

What's up, princess? I'm prince charming.

I can see that.

I got joe a donkey costume, and I got stella cat ears.

I just hope she doesn't chase herself.

Ah, I get it -- because she's a dog.

I also found out that princess fiona Is supposed to wear a tiara, so here you go.

They had a whole bucket full of 'em.

I love it.

Ay, and you look so handsome.

It's like those pictures of you in the navy.

I have an idea.

Why don't we put joe down for a nap And then we go and take a nap, but not the one we sleep --

I got it. I'm in.


[ car door closes ]

Hey. I thought you had a big meeting.

I do, but I left my cellphone here.

I need it to read at stoplights so I don't think about stuff.

I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous.

Ohhh. Honey, I don't think that fits.

It fits in awesomeland. It's a magic hat.

I'm gonna have this bunny jumping out of it.

You gonna put some blood on it, maybe dangle an eyeball?

Who hurt you?

I'm kidding.

I know it's jay and dede.

Anyway, I got to go get my costume.

Mwah! Mwah!

[ chuckles ] oh, for god's sake.

I kiss my mom hotter than that.

He does. I seen it.


Claire: Our new neighbors, Medical-marijuana retailer ronnie and his wife, amber, Moved in two months ago, and --

It's been a week and a half.

Dear god. Really?


I don't get it.

What's scary about a giant cupcake?

We're not doing scary this year.

Well, heads up -- we're doing crap-your-pants scary On account of the contest, So I just hope we don't offend you over here in candy land.

What contest?

Oh, it's something we started in the old neighborhood.

If you're into it, you, uh, chip in 20 bucks, And scariest house on the street wins the pot.


Not actual pot. I'd have to see a prescription for that.

[ clicks tongue ]

Wait. You're not a cop --

No, for the 12th time, I'm not a cop.

Well, you are not gonna offend me With your little decorations.

Please know that this... Is phil.

When I'm in charge, it's terrifying.


I'll bet you give all the other soccer moms A good scare with that pin that says "boo."

You are so lucky that I have to go to work today, Or I would show you scary.

I would win your little contest.

You don't know what you're up against.

We don't let preggos or people with heart trouble Past our front gate.

Couple years ago, we scared a man Into the hospital almost to death.

Well, since you got an excuse, princess, Looks like my winning streak will carry on.

Might even win at the old house, too.

We left that place pretty scary.

[ door opens, closes ]

I'm meeting a friend for coffee.

No, you're not. No.

You're helping me take this all down.

Everything goes.

Everything except the bunny.

I have plans for the bunny.

Okay! On three, say "argh!"

One, two, three! Argh!

[ chuckling ] oh, that's great.

Thank you. And how are you two related?

Uh, you know what -- gay or straight, There's no wrong way to make a family, so...

Okay, down, girl.

I meant, how are your costumes related?

It's a parent/child costume contest.

It is? It was all clearly stated on the flier.

There was a flier?

I gave it to you, daddy!

I knew your costume was all wrong!

O-okay, hey, don't panic.

There's plenty of time before the parade.

Is there another character in "where's waldo?"

Wizard whitebeard.

Okay! Well, that'll be fun!

I haven't gone out with a whitebeard Since I took my cousin sally to the prom.

All right, I'll be back as soon as I can.

Lily, explain daddy's joke.

[ humming ]

Jay: I loved having hair, and I knew how to use it.

I'd walk up to a pretty girl and run my hand through my hair.

Score a touchdown, whip the helmet off, Run my hand through my hair.

People say clothes make the man, but that makes no sense.

What makes the man is a nice head of hair.

Damn it! It's like a phantom limb!

Ohhh. No. No!

This doesn't look real at all.

Alex, where's that blood You were using this morning on your finger?

Running through my veins, keeping me alive.

Oh! Here comes dad.

He's gonna be all like, [as phil] "no! What did you do?! Where's awesomeland?!"

No! What did you do?! Where's awesomeland?!

Are you from the future?

Phil, honey, honey, w-we've had a little change of plans.


What are you even doing here? Shouldn't you be at work?

That obnoxious ronnie was worried That I wouldn't be able to handle his decorations, 'cause he's trying to win This "scariest house on the street" contest, And I was like, "not only can I handle your decorations.

I'm gonna win that contest."

So welcome to the insane asylum from hell.

That's what it feels like.

Come on. It's gonna be fun.

The kids are gonna be deranged mental patients, And -- and I am going to be a sadistic nurse, And you are a demented doctor.

20 years of "no," but for this, you'll dress like a nurse?!

Um, no. Mnh-mnh.

Of course the woman is the nurse and the man is the doctor.

That kind of thinking -- that's what's scary.

Tap out. It's a holiday.

You know, I put a lot of time and energy into my thing, But you just shut it all down to prove something To people that we barely know and don't even like!

Phil, ronnie made fun of awesomeland.

He called it "candy land."


Stupidville? Dumbburgh?

Who cares what he thinks?!

Maybe someday you'll care what I think.


Well -- honey, look!

I kept your bunny!


[ indistinct talking ]

Ohh! Whew! Made it in the nick of time.

All right, let's get this parade started While I'm still just 4,000 years old.

You do know the parade's not till after school, right?

What? No!

I can't stay that long. I have football practice.

Oh, my god. I have to tell lily.

She's gonna be devastated.

Oh, no.

Where's waldo?

[ cellphone beeps ]

[ ringing ]

Since when has the parade been after school?

Since always. It was on the flier.

How big was this flier?

Oh, so this is how we call each other now?

Cam: Mitchell, I have a costume emergency.

Just wear it with confidence, cam. I'm sure you look great.

No, I can't find lily!


Oh, okay, found her -- by the trash can, Next to the big kid dressed like a hobo.

Oh, you did it.

I don't -- I don't think that's a kid.

I should probably tell a grown-up.

Well, you have no idea what's happening here.

The stenographer is dressed like a spider.

I cannot get anyone to listen to anything I'm --

Mitchell, I can't.


Honey, listen.

Daddy can't stay for the parade.

No, I know I did, but it starts later than I thought, And I have to get to...

Football practice! It's fine! Just go!

No, lily! Wait!

Well, she's gone forever.

Gloria, what happened to my hair?

Ay, no. Please. I cannot have this conversation again.

Yes, jay, time is cruel.

My prince charming wig -- it's gone.

Okay, what do you think --

Handsome hawaiian or sexy scotsman?

I can't do this right now.

Come on, jay -- this is my farewell tour Of trick-or-treating in the neighborhood.

I have to go out strong.

Or should I just do what people are expecting?

Stay home 'cause you're 20?

Jay, please don't be mean to manny.

Maybe stella took your wig and buried it in the yard.

I saw her playing with it earlier.

What? Why didn't you take it from her?

I don't understand your relationship with her.

You let her lick your feet.

Who is that possibly hurting?

What am I gonna do now? Prince charming had hair!

Please. We don't really know that for sure.

There weren't cameras back then.

Maybe he had to be charming because he was bald.


[ claire grunting ]

You really think it's appropriate To be strapping your teenage daughter to a gurney?

If we win, it is.

I may have to take a pee break soon.

Ooh. Here. Use this bedpan.

I'm kidding. That's gross.

I put candy in it. Here.



I think I fell asleep.

This thing is like a temple grandin hug.

Haley, sweetie, uh, gown's on backwards.

Oh, no. It's cuter this way.

Sexy people go crazy, too, you know.

Read a people magazine.



You're not even gonna try on your doctor costume?


But we're gonna win. Doesn't that make you happy?

Do I look happy?

You got a problem, lady.

This obsessive need to be dark and scary --

You can't even stop yourself.

I can stop whenever I want.

Well, I'm not getting sucked in.

I'm having the Halloween that I wanted.

What is all this?

Is this supposed to be funny?

No, it's supposed to be scary.

No, it's supposed to be awesome.

You know, I could tell that you guys Didn't love us moving in next door.

Maybe 'cause ronnie deals pot Or maybe 'cause of my confederate-flag bikini.

I don't know, but --

But I thought we were becomin' friends.

I was gonna propose a joint thanksgiving, but...

This is really low.

No, honey, it's okay.

No, it's not okay, ronnie! It's rude and it's cruel!

I wish we had our old house So we could drive it away as far as possible!

Oh, my goodness. What was that?


Amber gets touchy about this stuff.

Uh, she --

She spent six months in a cuckoo farm in nevada.

I'm sorry. She gets mad when I say that.

It was in utah.

Oh, my god.

We -- we had no idea. I swear.

I-it's cool.

I'll just...Give her a box of cap'n crunch And set her in front of the fish tank.

That seems to calm her down.

Okay. Okay.

We have to shut it down. We got to shut it down.

Now, when she said "joint thanksgiving,"

Do you think that she meant --

No. Okay.

Each of these companies Funneled unreported funds into the same account.

Now, I believe this chart makes clear The intricate web of deceit.

[ laughter ] okay, I heard it.

I'm -- I'm gonna rephrase that.

Um... These companies conspired

[ insect buzzing ] to defraud numerous innocent people, Not to mention the internal revenue service.

Oh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Your honor, may we approach?

If you must.

You see what's happening here, right?

You're losing your fifth case in a row?

Fourth. And --

Who said -- am I losing?

Um, I just feel that the -- the jury Might be a little bit distracted by, um...You know.

Please let the record show that counsel is nodding his head Towards the court stenographer, holly.

Your honor, opposing counsel's grasping at straws Because he's losing again.

Oh, come on! Come on!

She's dressed like a giant spider!

I need the jury to focus on the details of this case, Not some ridiculous costume.

I'm sorry. You're probably a very nice person.

Holly, would you please remove the costume?

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the delay.

At the request of counsel, The court stenographer will now remove the costume.

[ jurors groan ]

That redhead's no fun.

[ singsong voice ] they hate you.

A-as I was saying, um, These companies stole from countless innocent people, And, you know, If someone had dipped into my nest egg like that, uh...

[ as groucho marx ] ...I'd be awful grouchy.

[ man coughs ]

Number four.

Here you go.

What are you supposed to be?

Born into another family.

She is tess mcgill, feminist heroine From the 1980s classic "working girl."

You should check it out sometime.

In a few years. There is some light vacuuming in underpants.

Keep up the good work!

How's it going here?

I look stupid!

But these puppies are making it impossible For me to stay mad at you.

Stupid, adorable puppies.

Welcome to awesomeland, Where the only thing to fear is fun itself.

Claire, I know this isn't the Halloween you wanted, But can you try to sell it?

I'm sorry, honey.

I got mad at you and I upset amber, And all because ronnie called me a soccer mom.

What is wrong with me?


I hate it when people assume things about me that aren't true --

Like because I'm pretty, I'm stuck-up.

When people do that to me, I'm just like, "shut up, troll. Why am I even talking to you?"


I do not like being pigeonholed.

It's obvious, mom --

You use Halloween as a way to show people you have edge.

It's like accountants who buy a harley.

She's right.

Being scary is my motorcycle.

That's my tess.

I knew my farewell tour would be emotional, But at least I can say I did it my way.

You've said that four times. You know he had other songs?

Nice costume. Ben franklin, right?

What? No! Prince charming.

Oh. Sorry. [ chuckles ]

I guess I just picture prince charming with hair.

We all do, but I lost my wig, And I don't have any, so...

Well, you know, there are some pretty effective solutions for that.

Talking about hair plugs? Yeah.

Take some from the side and the back, right?

You think that would work for me?

It could.

But you might want a second opinion from an actual doctor.

Gloria: Excuse me.

Did you just ask that fake doctor No! You know how you struggle with the language.

Jay. Damn it, gloria.

I miss having a head full of hair.

And don't act like you don't miss it, too.

You had four more hairs than you do now.

This is not a surprise to me.

What about today? Hmm? Earlier?

When we were not napping?

When you were a little extra-enthusiastic?

Because you were enthusiastic.

You went out and bought costumes for all of us, You were singing.

For once, you were not like, "I don't want to do this.

"I just want to sit at home, watch golf, And eat my 10-layer dip."

Just five. Five layers.

One layer is enough, jay.

I loved that you were having fun with us.

A happy husband -- that's what is sexy to me.

So you don't think I look like ben franklin?

Oh, yes! That's who it is!

The man from the $100 bill -- my favorite!

All right, happy Halloween.

That's your costume? A big nose?

All right, you know, cool it. I've had a rough day.

You think you're the first spongebob I've seen?

I'm missing Halloween.

All right, honey, if daddy's not home in five minutes, I will take you trick-or-treating, okay?

Okay! I made it!

Football practice ran late, sweetie.

Just give me two minutes. I'm so sorry.


I bet all the full-size candy bars are gone.

Lily! Cam: Nope, nope.

She has every right, mitchell.

You know, I've let football consume my life, And I fumbled what's most valuable to me, And now I'm stuck!

Can somebody please help me?

Don't help him! Oh, enough, you two!

It's like "August: Osage county" up in here.

All right, you -- where's my head?

It's right here. Stop. Just calm down. Okay.

You need to let yourself off the hook, all right?

You didn't abandon her playing craps.

You had to go to work.

He's always working.

No, he's --

He is not always working, lily.

Exhibit "a" -- your shirt, Which he stayed up all night sewing So that you would have the perfect costume.

Exhibit "b" --

Those glasses -- two hours on ebay.

Exhibit "c" -- your satchel.

Daddy's man purse from college That he had to dig through 10 boxes to find, Because daddy hid it from him.

But he didn't read the flier!

[ muffled ] I never read it

[ normal voice ] because I never saw it!

You didn't see the flier? No!

Maybe that's because you never got it.

I submit to you...

The flier...

Which never made it onto the refrigerator, Where you are supposed to put things, Because it wa-a-a-s....


Oh! Yes.

[ gasps ]

Lily, your daddy may have missed the parade, But he was all over Halloween.

I rest my case.

I'm sorry, daddy.

I'm sorry, too.

I got my win.

Trials would be a whole lot easier If juries were made up of 7-year-old girls, like lily.

And cam.

I know it's not the point, but we totally would've won.

Might want to leave that out of your apology.

[ groans ]


Aaah...Hey, ronnie. What's up?

Ronnie, hi. Um, I was looking for amber.

Oh, she's inside.

No, I ain't!

Knock it off, amber!

Amber, hi.

Um, listen, I wanted to apologize.

I had no idea about your history, And I was being insensitive, So I was hoping we could start over.

Whoa. That's really sweet.

Almost makes me feel bad for making the whole thing up.

[ laughs ]



She never been to a nuthouse.

[ piano notes play ] yeah, I ain't crazy.

I mean, I've been to rehab a few times, But that was just for paid vacation.

You lied just to make me feel bad?

No, no -- we lied So that we could win with our zombie house o' whores!

That is so messed up.

Did you say "whores," or --

No, no. It ain't messed up. The saying is "trick or treat."

This is the trick part.


Our yard's full o' dead whores.

You got a santa.

Yep -- "whores." I heard it again.

Why are we not talking about this?

There will come a day when you will pay for this.

You won't know when, and you won't know how, But you will feel it.

[ pom-pom rustles ]

Wow. That chick is scary.

Thank you.

You have no idea.

You know, they just make it impossible to find him.

It's cruel and inappropriate.

It just sets children up to fail, And it destroys their self-esteem.

Right there. Is he there?

Is -- where -- [ scoffs ]

Where did she point? Where did she p--

Now I look like rod stewart.

Thanks a lot.

[ as tess ] I have a head for business and a bod for sin.

Yes, you do.

Ew! This is a common area!