Modern Family S6E7 Script

Queer Eyes, Full Hearts (2014)

I just love that we're here.

Is there anything more important than clean water In developing countries?

Or a clean glass in this one? Oh.

Oh, my gosh. It that anne gibbs, the lady from channel 12 news?

[ gasps ] oh, my god! It's anne gibbs! Oh, I love her!

That reaction would've been big if it was anne hathaway.

Oh, she is hiding quite a figure behind that desk.

Okay, what's going on with you and anne gibbs?

Come on. We gotta go say hi to her.

Okay, we're doing this.

Mitchell: Hey. Hi.

Hi. I'm sorry.

Um, I am such a fan.

I was so moved by that story you did About the gymnast with the hump.

You wanna hear something crazy? Yeah.

He just got a scholarship to notre dame.

No! Oh, my gosh! [ laughs ] yeah. [ laughs ]

You probably get this all the time, But I have a story for you.

I represent some homeless people in a case against a corporation That pays them slave wages.

Interesting. How long has this been going on? Yes.

Since 2012.

We're just trying to shine a light On how awful they're being. Truly awful.

Are you working on this, too?

[ mouths words ] oh, gosh. No, no.

I'm just this one's husband. [ chuckles ]

I'm a high school football coach. Cameron tucker.

Yes. Oh, god. I'm so embarrassed.

Mitchell pritchett. How are you?

Really? So --

You are an openly gay high school football coach?

I know, I know. You hear "football coach,"

And you expect to meet somebody that screams john wayne. Yes. [ chuckles ]

Meanwhile, the only time I've screamed the duke Is when we argue over who's the cutest on "downton abbey."

[ laughter ]

Poor mitchell. He's had to hear that a hundred times.

I have. I have.

So these homeless people are making a dollar an hour --

Are there a lot of openly gay coaches?

Oh, if the adult film industry's to be believed, there all are.

[ laughs ] [ forced laugh ] okay.

Okay. It's in, you know, clear violations Of the federal fair labor standards act --

Has anyone ever approached you for a news segment?

On me?! Oh, my gosh. No. I don't...

I don't think I'm interesting enough to do a news segment on.

I mean, what would a reporter even say about me?

That I'm a high school football coach With an undefeated record who's tackling stereotypes?

That on my team, prejudice is considered out of bounds?

That we're blitzing bigotry, kicking intolerance, And beating -- metaphors to death?

¶¶¶ Captioning provided by 20th century fox television and abc, inc.

And brought to you by ford. Beautiful things happen when you go further.

-- Captions by vitac --

[ birds chirping ] hey.

You guys wanna see something really cool?

Is it behind that old boat?

This is one of the most famous warships of all time.

The "u.S.S. Constitution."

Stayed in active duty 84 years.

No enemy managed to board her.

10 seconds, she's already bored me.

[ doorbell rings ] [ sighs ]

That's your spanish tutor. I'm gonna say it one more time.

I really think french will be a better fit for me.

Your name is manuel alberto javier alejandro delgado.

How is french a better fit for you?

Okay, I'm pretty sure You threw in a name I've never heard before.


Ah, ah! En español, por favor.

Okay, let's take it down a nacho.

Hola, diego! [ speaks spanish ]

El placer es mío. You must be mr. Pritchett.

Jay. And I'm just glad you're here.

Gloria tried to tutor manny.

There was less yelling in "the miracle worker."

[ chuckles ] because he wasn't even trying.

I'm sorry, but spanish just doesn't seem natural to me.

I don't like the way it hits my ear.

What could be more natural Than your mother's tongue in your ear?

Do you happen to know a good english tutor?

Hey, honey!

Oh, hey. [ door closes ]

Still studying for that test?

I can't. I have to study.

What time did you get to bed?

Sure thing.

Claire, I think something's up with alex.

I don't know. Some kind of chicken.

Why is no one listening to me?

Come here.

I don't think she's getting enough sleep.

[ thud ] look at her.

She's like a human roomba.

[ thud ]

Alex will be fine.

This is our real problem.

When I left for work this morning, She was sitting on the couch, flipping through magazines.

She's 20. She's finding herself.

How hard can it be? She hasn't moved.

Well, what were you doing at 20? Me?

Uh, I was getting a 4.0 in college.

I was working 25 hours a week.

I was volunteering at a suicide hotline.

Get off the couch! Do something with your life!

Was it an assisted suicide hotline?

Your father's home...

From work.

Already? [ singsongy ] must be nice.

[ chuckles ]

[ crying ] daddy, my doll won't stop crying.

Oh, honey, did you try the "off" switch?

Of course I tried the "off" switch!


Sorry I snapped. She's been like this all day.

[ mutters ] [ crying continues ]

There you go. [ crying stops ]

That never worked on you.

Ha ha. So, good news.

Anne gibbs actually wants to do a news segment on me!


Great news, cam.

Isn't that exciting?

They're gonna send a whole team Friday, Follow me around with a camera crew, Then interview me at the homecoming games.

So listen, I kinda have a big favor to ask.

Uh, w--okay.

Traditionally, the varsity coach and his wife Cook a big pancake breakfast for the football team... Mm.

For homecoming.

I do not like where this is going.

Well, let me finish. Okay, continue.

How would you feel if you and I cooked a big pancake breakfast For the varsity football team?

Did you think that that was a twist?

Mitchell, please. No!

No, unless you can convince tom brady to spend the night, I am not making breakfast for any football players.

He -- he is a football player, right?

Yes. It's the perfect reference.

But, mitchell, this is important.

So is my job. I have closing arguments on Friday.

I promise you'll be out by 9:00.

[ sighs deeply ] I just wanna show the world That we're as supportive and respectful As any straight couple.

Aw. That's an incredibly manipulative thing to say.

Well, that's not how I meant it. And that hurts my feelings.

Oh, my god. This is so lame and transparent.

Busted. You know, you're so much smarter than me.

Oh, I wish I knew where your "off" switch was.

Well, you know where my "on" switch is. [ sighs ]

[ doorbell rings ]

Hey, mrs. Dunphy. Remember me? Hi.

Andy. Of course. Come on in. [ chuckles ] yep. Okay.

You are joe's babysitter, right?

Uh, "manny" is what we call ourselves In the child care community.

Ah. But it's confusing in that house Because of their son manny. Mm-hmm.

So I've been trying to get traction with "bro-pair."

Hey, andy. Hey, sir...Uh, mr. Dunphy.

Sorry. I didn't...See you.

Andy, please. "sir mr. Dunphy" is my british name.

[ laughs ] oh, my...You did not just think of that! [ laughing ]

Yes! [ laughs ]

Andy, what can we do for ya?

I'm actually here -- hey, andy.

Here. [ chuckles ] come on.

Whoa. He's here for you?

Yeah. We're just gonna be in the basement.

So good to see you guys.

I don't know why I just did that.

[ whispers ] that was...

[ whispers ] what was that?!

[ lowered voice ] don't be offended.

In many cultures, it's customary to bow only to the man.

Phil. Haley, andy -- is that a thing?

Oh. I don't know.

Well, I hope not.

Haley is at a very low point in her life.

It's the last thing she needs right now.

Sometimes a boy might be a good distraction?

I remember a certain young lady Was pretty addicted to "ms. Pac-man"

Until a dashing young gent caught her eye.

Only because you were wearing a feather earring.

It wasn't a feather.

It was a dream catcher.

Mm. And it worked.

[ thud ]

Well, we're done. One more session this week, And manny will be ready for his test.

Ay, qué bueno.


[ speaking spanish ]


[ chuckles ]

[ laughs ] [ laughs ]

What are they saying?

If I knew, he wouldn't be here.

[ laughs ]

[ speaks spanish ] [ speaks spanish ]

Hey, hey!

Hey. Where have you been?

I've been cooking pancakes by myself for an hour.

What can I do to help?

Uh, you can crack some eggs over there.

Uh...You know what?

I think whisking might read better.

What are you doing? There's nothing in there.

Don, can you tell there's nothing in here? All good.

Don's all good. Oh, good. Good.

So we're getting some extra footage. Good, don.

What we call "b-roll."

Anne wants to see me help cook.

I wanna see you help cook.

I thought this was something that we were doing together.

Yes, you're right. Okay, let's do this. Sorry.


That's perfect. I'm happy.

Don's happy. I'm not happy.

Cameron: What's up, guys?! Students: [ cheering ]

Diego and gloria: [ speaking spanish ]

Qué malo!

Ah, señor pritchett. [ laughs ]

Please, join us.

Nice as it is for you to invite me to swim in my own pool, I thought I was paying you to teach manny spanish.

Manny's done with his lesson.

But diego here is also a swim instructor, So he's going to teach joe to swim.

Must be a good teacher if joe doesn't have to be here for it.

Manny's putting him in his swimming diaper.

There they are! [ water splashing ]

Let's go swim!

Come here. Ah!

[ laughs ]

Diego: [ laughs ]

You know, after you showed us that cool model, I started reading up on the "u.S.S. Constitution."

Quite a ship in its day. Uh-huh.

Then, of course, they invented steamships.

Your old sailing frigates just couldn't compete With those younger, faster, steamier models in the water.

You know, it's too bad you don't spend as much time On your spanish homework as you do online Finding passive-aggressive ways of using my hobbies against me.

What's this?

Permission slip. Lets me transfer into french.

Only one parent signature required.

[ paper rustles ]

Ah! [ laughs ]

Come on, jay. I can't take it anymore. I quit.

You're already starting to sound french.

Honey, I'm getting worried about alex.

I don't think she slept again last night.

It's like the third night in a row.

I thought you were gonna set your alarm and check on her?

Stupid thing never went off.

[ alarm buzzing ]

[ buzzing stops ]

I'm sure alex slept. I don't know.

She's sitting at her desk, too tired to move her eyeballs.

She's reading her book like this.

Did anyone see my leopard print skirt?

I saw a leopard headband on the stairs.

That's it.

Alex is gonna be fine. That's the one I'm worried about.

I'm gonna go talk to her.

I can't believe I just went power-walking with her skirt on my head.

Haley, honey, I wanted to talk to you About this whole thing with andy.

What's there to talk about?

Well, I'm concerned that it is distracting you From what's really important.

Oh, mom, there's nothing to worry about.

You know, it's just sex.


Purely physical. It's really just a stress-reliever.

[ gasps ] oh.

I am not having sex with andy. We're just friends.

I'm helping him prep for a job interview That he doesn't want anybody to know about.

The whole sex thing was the fastest way To end the conversation with my mother.

Uh, are there any more questions?

No. Okay, cool.

[ doorbell rings ] oh, that's him.

Hey! Oh, you look so good!

Come inside. Are you ready?

Yeah. I saw some stuff online, So I got a couple new things I wanna try out.

Let's do it!

...Which proves, anne, you can score with a gay coach.

Wait. Uh, can I try that again?

No, that was great.

Um, how does your spouse feel about you coaching?

Oh, this one? [ chuckles ] he's my rock. He's...

He's my connie britton.

Your...Your connie britton?

Mrs. Coach on "Friday night lights."

Can I talk to you for a second?


Uh, don, anne? Can we, uh...


Yeah, what's up? Do you have any idea How insulting you've been to me all morning?

What, because I just compared you to connie britton?

Mitchell, she was an equal to coach taylor.

You'd know that if you saw the show.

Well, I guess I missed it Because "the cam show" was always on.

Really? You're not gonna let me have my moment here?

It is always your moment, And usually I-I'm fine with that.

But the other night, I was trying to get them to cover my case, And you -- you made it all about you.

I did not. That is unfair.

I have always supported your job and know how important it is.

Really? What's my new case about?

The only one I was talking about for three weeks.


Who need people. Are they lucky, cam?

Are they the luckiest people in the world?

[ crying ] daddy, she won't stop crying again.

One second, honey. Look, cam, I love you very much, But I resent the way you're treating me today.

Okay, I am not some 1950s housewife. I...

[ conversations stop ] [ sighs deeply ]

[ whispers ] come on.

[ continues crying ]

Did you sign something so that manny could switch to french?

I did. You knew that I wanted him to learn spanish.

I also know you can't force a kid To be interested in something that he's not.

That's why I have A picture of mitchell and his prom date shaking hands.

It would be nice for someone to care what I think for a change.

You should also know that I hired a new swimming instructor.

But don't worry.

She's got the same broad shoulders plus a mustache.

So all this is because you're jealous?

I can't believe that you're being so...


[ stomps foot ] what is the word?

Selfish. Pigheaded. Really?

Her words, not mine.

Do you know how frustrating it is To have to translate everything in my head before I say it?

To have people laugh in my face Because I'm struggling to find the words?

You should try talking in my shoes for one mile!

I think you meant -- I know what I meant to mean.

Do you even know how smart I am in spanish?

Of course you don't.

For once, it would be nice to speak to someone In my own language in my own home.

[ door slams ]

Whatever the spanish word is for "women," am I right?

[ spits ] mother nature! Cheez-its!

Andy. I did not know you were there.

Sorry. Stupid little cat feet.

I'm not sure where haley is.

Actually, mr. Dunphy, I was hoping I could speak with you.

Oh, yeah? What can I do for ya?

[ inhales deeply ]

Mr. Dunphy, I love being a manny, But I can't do it forever.

I just didn't know what the next chapter should be, But then I met a guy named phil dunphy.

What? A guy who loves what he does, and...

Yeah. A guy who provided all this for his family.

Well... And then I realized, A career in real estate is what I want.

And I was hoping I could...

Learn from the best.

Skip woosnum? Um, I can put in a call.

He doesn't really get back -- no.


Wow. Andy, I'm -- I'm so flattered.

I'm just not in the market for an assistant right now.

Yeah. [ chuckles ]

Stupid. That was stupid to even ask.

Thank you so much for your time.

Lesson number one -- never take "no" for an answer!

Now make me buy you.


Uh, I'm a hard worker, I am very clean, I am eager to please, I take super quick bathroom breaks, And I will never, ever...

Oh! I'm blanking on the verb!

W-uh...When you give up on something?

Quit? I had to ask Because I don't know the meaning of the word.


What's going on here?

I'm introducing you to my new assistant.

[ laughs ] oh! Ow! Oh, my ribs!

Mr. Dunphy, thank you so much. I will not disappoint you.

Andy, do you think this is a great idea, Considering that you and haley are...

You know.

[ lowered voice ] doing it.

Mother nature! Cheez-its!

Mnh-mnh. No.

We were just helping each other get ready for job interviews.

There is nothing inappropriate happening Between me and your daughter.

Haley has a job interview?

That's where she is right now. With who?

Gavin sinclair.

The big-time stylist to the stars? Mnh-mnh.

He's the one that slapped katie couric.

[ gasps ] oh! Oh, wow!

Our little girl's gonna be okay after all!

One thing about our girl -- she's a fighter.

Hello. I have an appointment to see gavin sinclair.

Not today. He's in a mood. [ sighs ]


I felt awful after that pancake breakfast, And not just because mitchell undercooked the bacon.

I hated that I didn't know what his case was about.

So I popped by the courtroom on the way to the game.

These people preyed on The poorest members of society --

Those who are unable to defend themselves.

They were treated with disrespect.

He was amazing!

And he wasn't doing any of it for himself.

He was just trying to help those in need.

Can you imagine being robbed of your basic rights And a living wage?

And after all those years of mitchell supporting me, I was so happy to see all eyes on him.

It was his moment. [ cell phone ringing ]

It's unfathomable. [ cell phone clatters ]

But what this case...

[ ringing stops ] as I was saying, What this case is about is dignity --

The dignity of those... [ cell phone ringing ]

Who we step over. [ loud crash ]

[ trash can clatters ]

And we need to take these people and we need to get them back...

[ loud clattering ]

Listen, I'm sorry I let manny switch over to french Without consulting you.

I didn't think how it must be for you Having to speak english all the time.

You have no idea.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I hired the tutor back.

Manny's not gonna like that.

He's too much into his french thing.

The tutor's not for manny. It's for me.

[ speaking spanish haltingly ]

Ay, jay, I love it!

Now you sound like the stupid one!

[ chuckles ]

It's me. I'm back.

Why? I made a pact with a friend of mine, And I am not leaving this office Until I meet with gavin sinclair.

I don't care what's on your vision board.

You're not getting in there.

So if you could just... [ clicks tongue ]

I'm insanely busy.

[ scoffs ] nikki, thank god you're here.

Peel this orange for me.

Mr. Sinclair, it's haley dunphy.

I was supposed to see you for the assistant job.

I have been studying your work, and I have to say The looks that you did for new york fashion week Put you -- ah! I'm really too busy right now.

Oh! But I drove all the way down here. We had an appointment!

Yeah, I looked at your blog. It's a little too cutesy for me.

I need someone with edge.

I have edge.

You are literally the most wide-eyed person I've ever seen.

You have the face of a cartoon lamb.

Thanks for coming by, though.


What is that? I wanted the peel.


I think it's weird you don't like cutesy Considering half your clients at the grammys looked like They just stepped out of a my little pony fever dream.

That's good. But not at me. Never at me.

Nikki, stop.

There are five things wrong with nikki's outfit.

What are they?

Uh, she's standing right there.

I'm dressed better than she is.

The tank gives you a uniboob.

The watch is too big.

The harem pants, the wedge boots, And come on, that belt?

The '90s have been out for three years.

And that's five.

Now should I do you?

[ crowd cheering ]

Boy: Uhh!

[ high-pitched voice ] yes! Yes! Yes!

Victoire! C'est magnifique!

Uh, excuse me, young man.

Was it coach tucker's openness That gave you the courage to come out?


Hey! [ chuckles ]

Hey, you! Come here.

Court ran a little late, but I got to see you win.

Congratulations. Thank you!

Ugh. Are you wearing makeup?

Oh, well, just on my face And my ears and my neck and my hands, yeah.

Okay, so listen. About this morning -- no, no. I --

Uh, coach tucker, coach tucker.

Can we get a few words on your big win?

Oh, um, I-I need to do this.

Um... Yeah. Of course you do. Yeah, it's fine.

So tell me, coach, how does this victory feel?

Well, it feels great.

Obviously, I feel like the belle of the football.

[ chuckles ] don liked that one. Don's laughing.

It's pretty groundbreaking how this school has embraced you.

Well, I'm grateful to this school, you know, And the kids and the parents.

But, um, you know, I gotta say, I'm most grateful for --

For this guy right here, my husband.

What? Uh, mitchell. Mitchell pritchett.

Um... Hi.

He's an attorney Who is the voice for people without one.

He is a-a real hero...

[ voice breaks ] who doesn't get the credit he deserves.

Today, I went down and I watched him in the courtroom.

I knew that was you. I recognized your ringtone.

I'm building to something.

You know, yeah, I get a lot of attention, You know, coaching this game.

But this man right here Quietly defends the rights of real people with real problems.

Homeless people forced to get jobs.

No, that's not it. That's not it, but it was so close.

[ voice breaking ] yes, I am standing here Boldly abolishing gay stereotypes.


My makeup's running, isn't it?

[ sniffles, inhales deeply, exhales sharply ]

I did it! I got the job!

Oh! Oh! Really?

Honey, I'm so proud! Oh! Thank you!

Never doubted you. So great. So great.

Oh! Sweetheart!

I know! It was such a roller coaster!

The receptionist was so mean, And I went and I cried in my car.

And I was about to leave, But I remembered how brave you were talking to my dad, So I got back in there!

And I did that thing you said about not throwing up.

Oh, my god! [ laughs ] claire: Mm.

I guess some boys are a good distraction.

Yeah, he could be exactly what she needs right now.

And I don't know about you, But I'm sensing a little heat over here.

Oh, my god! I'm so happy for you!

Oh, this is so great.

And thanks to you, mr. Dunphy, I can finally save up and get beth that engagement ring.

Who's beth?

His girlfriend.

Oh. So you two really aren't together?

No. [ chuckles ] no.

She's, like, really obsessed with us.


The words on the page are vibrating, And I can't make them stop. I forgot how to read!

Alex, oh, my god.

Read it to me, mommy?

Baby, you're exhausted and you need to go to sleep right now.

Come with me. Come with me.

Yes, you were wrong about everything!


Who says "'kay"?!

You're so stupid!

[ screaming ]

[ horn honks ]

Go! Go around!

Go around!

I'm not going anywhere!

I'm not going anywhere!

[ crying ] I am not going anywhere!

[ breathes deeply ] I'm not going anywhere.

I'm not...Going...Anywhere.

Mr. Gavin sinclair, I'm not going anywhere.

You're about to see me.

I'm gonna show you I'm not going anywhere!

I'm not going anywhere!