Modern Family S6E8 Script

Three Turkeys (2014)

You put the giblets in a pan?

Yes, chef. Thanks, a boy named sous...Chef.

[ laughs ] I don't get it, but I trust you.

Nigella: All right, philip, tuck the wing tips

Under the body of the bird and place in a roasting pan.

As you wish, my crumpet.

I am cooking thanksgiving dinner this year.

Huge step for claire to trust me with this.

But I have help -- this new app.

It's, uh, international super chef nigella lawson.

I can even program my name, so it's like she's right here Guiding my every move with that sultry british voice.

I listened to her meringue instructions In the car last week.

There was so much whipping and beating I had to pull over.

How's it going in here? Great.

You just take advantage of your first thanksgiving Not sweating over a hot stove and having to sit down to dinner All gross and grumpy and exhausted.

Yeah, this year, you can finally be in a good mood.

Well, I was until this little riff.

Mom and jay sent a thanksgiving greeting from mexico.

I didn't even know mexico had thanksgiving.

I know. I said the same thing.

God, we're really gonna miss alex.

I still don't get why you passed up a free trip.

Because they're meeting 23 colombians Who call my mom "la tranquila" -- the quiet one.

Gloria: [ loudly ] hola, familia!

Happy thanksgiving!

Happy birthday tomorrow, luke!

Yeah, luke, we didn't forget about you.

We got you a great present here in mexico.

See you when we get back.

Bye! Bye-bye!

See you soon!

And cut.

Well, I think we sold that.

The colombians' trip got canceled Because a mudslide took out the runway at the local airport.

That thing's made of dirt.

Are we sure it didn't just rain?

So we never left, and we could have gone To phil and claire's, but...

We decided to enjoy our own quiet, Stress-free holiday dinner at home with no one the wiser.

We're having a little steak-cation, Only with turkey instead of the steak.

[ laughs ] stay-cation.

What did I say? "steak-cation."

It's stay-cation.

Oh, so, this is how you want to start The quiet, stress-free dinner, with an english lesson?

[ speaking spanish ]

They call her "la tranquila."

-- Captions by vitac --

¶¶¶ We really need to remember to return this backpack to lily.

Oh, and, honey, don't forget mitchell hates raisins.

So when you're making the stuffing, you can't put any --

I know how hard it is for you to hand over the reins, But you have got to trust me.

I do trust you. It's just easy to forget the little things.

I'm not going to forget anything.

[ laughing ] now go.

You two need to run to the grocery store.

I forgot green beans, yams, and cranberry sauce.

Alex: What's in the crib?

What crib? You're a crib.

Shouldn't you be studying?

Well, I'm done with my midterms.

I finished my college essay.

And I was just about to go on a bike ride.

Mm. Why are you acting so guilty?

You're guilty.

How did I ever get to be a champion debater?

[ sighs ]

It is a backup turkey.

I bought it in case your father's doesn't work out, Which I hope it does.

But if it doesn't, this could save him a lot of embarrassment.

He would die if he thought I didn't trust him.


I mean, I'm going off to college soon.

All of a sudden, you're keeping something warm in my old crib.

Here you go, sweetie. You'll like this better.

Oh, my gosh. You got to be kidding me.

Not this again. What?

She said her eggs were watery, So I made her a waffle.

Please don't make a thing out of it.

I've seen you send food back.

Remember that time in miami?

Okay, first of all, this isn't a restaurant.

Secondly, my bisque had a tooth in it.

It was a shell. There was a filling in it.

Ugh, I don't feel like waffles.

Can you make me cereal?

Sure. Absolutely not.

Absolutely not, lily.

You are gonna finish that waffle, Or you're not gonna have breakfast.

Can I at least eat it in front of the tv?

Yes. No.

Thanks, daddy.

Mean daddy.

Okay, okay.

You give in to her every whim, and I'm mean daddy.

That's not true. Isn't it?

What's this?

Hmm? This is how she sees us.

I'm a screaming demon, And you're just a-smilin' and a-bakin'.

And, incidentally, Do we really think this is refrigerator-worthy?

She put it up yesterday after you made her clean her room.

And after you made her brownies.

She is gonna turn into a willful, fat little girl Unless you start getting tough with her, Because right now you're her pal, And I'm just the pitchfork-wielding she-devil.

[ laughs ]

It lined up, didn't it?

Yeah, we really got lucky with you holding that fork.

Long story short, If you pour it, it's cranberry sauce.

But I'm sorry, if you slice it, it's cranberry jelly.

I'm literally driving as fast as this car can go.

Is that a sock in your sleeve?

I did laundry at your house this morning, And you have no dryer sheets.

I like staying with you, but it's basically camping.

[ tires screech ] ohh!

Uh, hey! Oh! I'm -- I'm so sorry!

I didn't feel anything.

I mean, of -- of course I felt something, And you do have them -- I mean --

Why didn't you honk?! Wouldn't that have just made it worse?


Nigella: Now, philip, Rub the breasts and thighs with olive oil.

I'm a little new at this, but okay.

Before stuffing the bird, You may want to remove your jewelry.

You mean take off my wedding ring?

You bad, bad girl.

Who are you talking to?

I was -- nothing. Who?

I'm not gonna throw away 20 years of --

Is the salad burning? Manny: Here's everything, Including your cranberry so-called sauce.

That was fast. I was driving 70 miles an hour.

Now, philip, cover the breast and legs

With a buttered cheesecloth.

That thing's a little creepy. You're a little creepy.

I don't love being the person Who hides in her garage with her secret crib turkey, But it's not always fun being the backstop.

You're telling me.

Until you get home from work every day, My main job is keeping luke alive.

I actually caught him on the treadmill with scissors.

Do you ever feel jealous of them?

You do, too? Oh, yeah, all the time.

Please, while you and I are busy being responsible, Thing one and thing two are off having so much fun.

Ple-- "billion-dollar ideas"?

Ooh, The real head scratcher "t.M."

Now, that -- that is a classic.

[ switch clicks ] [ motor humming ]

Ahh. Huh? Uh-huh.

Hmm. Look at this.

Isn't that the old t-shirt cannon That dad modified for luke to take on his paper route?

Yeah, it's a fun idea, huh?

[ chuckles ]

You know, there's no reason you and I can't relax a little And have as much fun as they do.

I'm in.

Let's be more like those idiots. Yeah.


Nailed it. [ laughs ]

What's going on in here?

Um, n-nothing. Nothing.

We -- it's not what it looks like.

Really? No, no.

'cause what it looks like Is me taking over the cooking duties Has allowed my girls here To let down their hair and have fun for a change.

[ laughs ]

Looks like you even dug out the old news-zooka.

Oh! [ electricity crackles ]

Oh, no!

[ gasps ]

Oh, my god! Again?!

I-it was an accident!

Once is an accident, perv.

Honey, come on. It's time to go. I'm ready.

Oh, no, sweetie, we bought you That pretty, new thanksgiving dress.

But I want to wear this.

She wants to wear that, cameron.


[ clears throat ]

Well, lily, uh, we're all dressed up.

You don't want to be disrespectful, do you?

I should be able to wear what I want.

Okay, well, sweetie, listen, I'm afraid we can't leave until you put that dress on.

[ groans ] okay.

You see?

As much as you want me to yell, I have a more effective method.

When you say to a child, "I will treat you with dignity and respect,"

That child will, in turn, say to you --

I left the tag on. This is going back Monday.

Oh, and right in the middle of getting up On such a high, high horse.

Okay, lily. You said put it on.

Well, it's on. Let's go.

We cannot let her run the show like this.

Okay, trust me, I have another plan. Really?

Because right now, our child's walking around like a vietnamese annie hall.

Mitchell, I will make it clear that she is not the boss.

[ horn honks ]

Okay, well, no, no, we can't go out now.

[ horn honking ]

Okay, where did she learn that annoying habit?

Claire's been picking her up from meditation mondays.

[ sighs ] [ horn honks ]

The little bird's coming along nicely.

Hey, this could be our new thanksgiving tradition.

What, hiding from our own family?

Hey, if the indians hid a little bit more, They might still have this country.

No, just taking a break from each other.

God knows I couldn't love them more, But the kennedys didn't get together as much as this family.

So you don't feel guilty? For what?

Not sharing this 30-year-old scotch with phil?

He mixes it with 7up, gloria.

It's a hate crime.

Manny: Let's hope the power isn't out here, too.

Mitchell: It looks fine. The porch light's on.

Phil: Turkey coming through!

They moved the damn dinner here.

Thank you for cracking the code.

Pop the turkey in the oven, luke.

Lost a little cooking time, but if we crank it to 550, Dinner should be on the table as scheduled.

Yes, chef.

So, how's it going in here?

Minor little speed bump, but we're back on track.

You just relax.

Honey, I trust you completely.

You've got your sweaty little helper, And mama has hers.

Oh. Thanks.

So, how long until you sneak home And get the backup turkey? Have a little faith.

You're really trusting dad to do this?

It's in lily's backpack in the trunk of the car.


This is crazy.

Let's just go downstairs and tell them that we're here.

Are you kidding?

We sent them a video from mexico.

We lied to their faces.

You think we can just go downstairs And throw money at this and make it go away?

I'm asking you. Do you think that would work?

I left my purse down there, and manny knows That I would never leave town without it.

My wallet and keys are on the bar.

And the cigar I was just smoking.

Oh, maybe you're right.

Claire: Come on, everybody! Outside for picture time!

I knew in my heart you couldn't be right.

[ door opens ]

Phil: I'm gonna grab a scotch.

Anyone know where jay keeps the 7up?


Phil, stay calm.

Yes, the trip over here killed the casserole.

The biscuits are hard.

The gravy has a skin on it like a sharecropper's neck.

Nigella: Are your onions in hot water, philip?

Yes, I would say they are!

Chef, she's just trying to help.

You're right. It's not over.

We can still put a very nice meal...

I left the centerpiece in the trunk.

It's gonna get all wilted.

Hey. Where you going?

Everything okay in there? Peachy.

I left the centerpiece in the trunk.

Where are you going? I was gonna go get some ice.

Well, that's okay. I can go get it for you.

Great. I can get your centerpiece.

I'll leave your ice right there on that table.

Which is where I will leave your centerpiece.

Okay, then.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!


So, I want to apologize for flipping out before.

Of course you're not a perv.

Come here. No, it's okay.

No, I couldn't. Come here.

It's okay. Mm.

What is that?

Oh, nothing. No.

For a second, it looked like...

[ gasps ]

Ta-da? Oh, my god!

You have my underwear?! No.

Okay, well, yes, but it's not what you're thinking.

Uh, they were in my pants.

[ gasps ] what is wrong with you?!

I know you have a crush on me, but this is, like, deep freak!

No, I used to have a crush on you, but not anymore.

This is all just bad luck. Just take your panties and go.

Re-creating the quaint part of the pilgrim story Where they trade underwear for corn?

Oh, my god.

This is not that terrible. True.

We have drinks.

Joe's playing with his "h."

Everybody's happy.


Mitchell: And why are we going into my dad's bedroom?

You've got to be kidding me. Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm!

Lily thinks she can wear whatever she wants, So what if we -- no, no, I am not putting on One of my dad's hideous leisure suits.

That is not the plan. Relax.

Do you remember last year when we picked her up From that family dinner at claire's?

We were dressed as cagney and lacey For pepper's '80s ladies party, and she flipped out.

You're not putting on one of gloria's dresses.

If you would simply just let me finish, That is not the plan. Okay, I'm sorry.

We're both putting on dresses.

No, I am not doing this.

Mitchell, it won't have any impact if I do it by myself.

I promise if it doesn't work, we'll do it your way.

You know, the only part of this I like Is getting to see this closet.

Mitchell, focus on the goal.

You know she only dresses the way she does To get attention.

Maybe it was cute a few years ago, But she's just getting too old for this.

You know what she needs is a good spank on the bottom.

No, that's your father's way.

You told them about that?

I'm telling you, if I had this closet, I never would have come out.

Mitchell: Well, you can come back later.

Let's just get this over with.

[ door closes ]

If those mean girls have something to say to me, They should say it to my face.

One problem at a time.

You heard them. They're coming back.

We've got to get out of here. And go where?

We'll sneak down the back stairs.

We'll run around to the front porch And pretend we cut our trip short to be with everybody.

Now, you grab your coat, get the diaper bag.

I'll grab a couple of suitcases, and I'll meet you there.

Cameron: Hey, sweetie, what are you reading?

What are you wearing?

Well, I think it's dolce & gabbana.

She asked "what," not "who." do you see red carpet?

Oh, well, we're just wearing dresses Over our boy clothes, like you.

Oh, no, I forgot.

Us wearing dresses upsets you, doesn't it?

Yeah, it does.

Oh, I don't want to make her uncomfortable, But we should be able to wear whatever we want.

Ohh, what to do, what to do?

I just can't believe I slipped into one of gloria's dresses.

Relax. It's a maternity poncho.

Okay, we tell them we took the noon flight out, And, uh -- where's joe?

I thought you were bringing him!

I'm lugging two suitcases.

Empty suitcases!

How are we gonna walk in there without...?

The little turkey!

I don't like you calling him that.

No, no, the little turkey I was cooking for us.

It's still in the oven.

[ gasps ] okay.

I'll say I have to put joe down for a nap, And you get rid of the turkey.

I'm just saying you get very mad Because I forgot joe, but when it comes to turkey --

I don't think we have time for this.

No, if it really bothers lily, then we should change, cam, And then maybe lily will also consider --

Gloria: Hola, family!

We came back early because we miss you.

We saw the cars.

What, did you move the party here?

Claire: Yes! Hello! Yeah.

So, hey, d-dad, listen, The reason that we're wearing these dresses --

Do what you got to do.

I got to get this little guy up to bed Because that plane ride really knocked him out.

[ clangs ] oh, my god!

He's fine. See? Not crying.

That's not necessarily a good thing.

And I'm gonna take the luggage to the laundry Because mexico is very dirty.

Dad and gloria seem really okay with us wearing dresses.

Yeah, like we do it every day?

Well, if it's okay with grandpa, it's okay with me.

[ sighs ]

Phil: [ speaking indistinctly ]

[ pan clatters ]

The cranberry sauce is okay, And the gravy is out of the woods.

And, thanks to you, Those baby carrots are gonna pull through.

Well, they're fighters.

Nigella: And now, phillip, for the last time, Lightly brush the thighs.

I'm gonna miss this randy little redcoat.

But it's time to cross the finish line.

No! What?!

Cranking up the heat must have dried it up and shrunk it!

It's tiny!

How am I supposed to feed 11 people with this pigeon?!

Hey, dad, how's it coming? Great!

[ grunts ]

Just some last-minute touches, and we're good to go.


Panic in turkey town.

The backup turkey's in lily's book bag.

Bring it to me. I'll do the rest.

I've never felt so alive.

Hey, so, uh, I want to try and apologize again.

It's okay. It was -- it was all my fault.

No, no, it was an accident.

We're good. Thanks.

And just to wrap things up once and for all, Some things were said in the heat of the moment That weren't really meant.

I know you don't think I'm a perv.

Yes, that. That.

And -- and also, that thing about You not having a crush on me anymore.

I-I promise I don't. Oh, manny, come on.

We're really trying to wrap things up.

I swear. I barely even look at you anymore.

Well, when did that happen?

Was it when I lightened my hair?

It washes me out, right? Do other people feel this way?

Haley, You are a beautiful woman who will break many hearts Before you're done, mine among them.


[ smooches ] oh.

Uh, you meant "hug," didn't you? Yup. Mm-hmm.

Hmm. I'm -- I'm sorry.

We need a smaller platter or something That makes this look normal-sized!

How do you feel about a coaster?

Fill it in with this sandwich turkey.

It's past its sell-by date, But I always think that's more of a suggestion, anyway.

I'm gonna get them all loaded up on bread.

Nigella: And now, philip, What to do with all the leftovers.

What happened to the sweet girl I downloaded?

So, did you have it out with our daughter?

Well, you know, it's a holiday, and I -- [ scoffs ]

Fine! I will handle this.

I will be the permanent bad guy in this family

'cause you're so afraid of our daughter not liking you.

Ju-- but just so you know, I had one parent growing up Who wanted to be my friend And another one who didn't care about that.

Guess which one is still in my life.

Delicious homemade bread?

That looks like just regular white bread.

You two seem drunk. This will soak up the booze.

Am I...?

Oh, alex. Wait.


Alex brought your backpack in for you.

So why don't you go ahead and take it out to our car?

Maybe later.

No, lily!

Um, it's okay. I will take it now.

Alex, put the backpack down!


Lily, you are not in charge of what you wear, Of breakfast, or anything.

Now, put that backpack on and March it out to the car!

[ grunts ] it's too heavy.

Well, that's tough Because I'm not carrying it for you anymore!

I like this new guy, huh?


See? I told you it was too heavy.

My gosh, what in the world is in this?!


Claire, why is there a fully cooked turkey In the backpack we left at your house?

Yes, claire, why is there?

Could it be you made a backup Because you never trusted me with the dinner at all?

Well, I thought there was a chance that --

What, that I'd screw everything up?

You know what? I have half a mind To pack up the beautiful meal I made --

Dinner is served!

I-I-I don't -- I don't understand.

Does everybody get one?

I was just going to sub in my turkey If you got in trouble, which, I mean...

Well, now you touched it, So you, alex, and haley will share that one.

Dark meat for your dark, untrusting soul. Phil!

You know, this was a brand-new backpack, And now it's got turkey juice all up in it!

Okay, back it up, old yeller.

Okay, could we just stop?

This is thanksgiving, for god's sake.

And not to mention that tomorrow is luke's birthday.

Hey, this is the suitcase with my present, right?

You had it in the video.


What the hell?!

Congratulations, luke!

You're finally a man!

In my country, when you turn 16, you get your turkey.

Wait, you made the video Before you decided to come back early.

Were you gonna keep the turkey in there for four days?

It's a tradition.

How did you get that thing through customs?

It is called customs.

They...Respect customs.

Wait a minute.

I know this bird.

I've been oiling these breasts all day.

This is my turkey!

Done to perfection!

Eat it, claire!

Wait, so, how did dad's turkey get in their suitcase?

And where did that small turkey come from?

Dinner was supposed to be at claire's.

All right, all right.

It's like "the caine mutiny" in here!

Our vacation got canceled at the last minute.

We decided not to say anything because we wanted a break.

A br-- a break from what?!

From thanksgiving craziness.

From -- from stress, from yelling, From these two parading around in dresses.

That was a one-time thing. Okay, we don't wear dresses at home.

Now, look, I get that thanksgiving Is a big day for families who never see each other, But this group is together non-stop.

Look, why don't you Take the suitcase turkey home with you?

You take the backpack turkey.

We'll order a pizza, and we'll all call it a night.

Fine. That sounds great. All right. Okay, fine.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I know I seem like the last person to say this, But we can't just skip thanksgiving!

Time is going by so fast.

It seemed like only yesterday that manny was hot for me, And he's not anymore.

And someday, alex may have a boyfriend Who wants her to spend it with his family.

Okay, we probably got a little window there.

But my point is that I love my crazy family, And I want to spend this holiday with them.

Ay. Ohh.

If you want a break, we can skip christmas.

Fine. Settled. Okay. Sí.

Skip christmas. Mitchell: Okay, cool. We're good.

I already had plans to spend christmas In cabo with my friends.

I've got to get out of here.

Why did we eat all three turkeys?

I hope that thanksgiving's on a Friday next year, So that I can sleep through the entire weekend.

Mom, can you take this one? I'm exhausted.

Wow, you really must be.

Phil, give it up.

Honey, you can dance all you want, But you're not fooling anyone.

Nigella: Continue to whip vigorously, philip, Until your meringue stiffens.

Ew. That's hilarious. I don't --

Are the cheeks turning nice and pink?

What's the problem? [ laughter ]

Now plunge into cold water.

I was just about to suggest the same thing.