Modern Family S7E1 Script

Summer Lovin' (2015)

[ Lisping ] Haley, your dad's on the phone.

He says it's urgent.

He's with a surgeon? I think he said "sturgeon."

Cam, is it "surgeon" or "sturgeon"?

I am ripping these stupid braces off the second I get home.

Phil, hold on. I'm gonna put you on speakerphone, okay?

Phil: [ Muffled ] Andy's on his way to propose to Beth!

We can't hear anything!

Just toss me the phone.

No! No, no. No, you're right.

We all have our strengths. I'm a great gift giver.

Here, cam. Oh.


Haley, Andy's on his way to propose to Beth!

[ All gasp ] Aww!

That's very sweet! It's not sweet!

Haley and Andy love each other, but they don't know it!

Whoa. Is that true, honey?

Dad, what makes you think he's in love with me?

I could tell by the way he hugged you goodbye.

Phil, are you sure about this?

Claire, I think I know the look of love in another man's eyes.

This is crazy. Should I call him?

His phone's off, but he said he was going to the beach.

[ Sighs ] I know what beach he likes.

I thought you were the "beach" he likes.

[ Car door closes ]

Oh, God, there they are.

Should I do this? I shouldn't do this.

I'm gonna do this.

W-- honey, honey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You got to be really sure of this.

You're gonna go over there and break them up for what?

To hang out or to date until the next guy comes along?

Who knows?

But shouldn't we get a chance to find out what we are?

I'm just saying look down the road a little.

You're 21, and that looks like a guy who is ready to settle down.

Yeah. [ Voice breaking ] Well, um...

I guess it's decided for me. Yeah.

I feel like such an idiot.

[ Sobs ] No. Honey, no, no, no, no, no.

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Oh, God! Here they come! Hide!

Just -- oh...

oh, God. Oh.

Daddy looks tense.

He's just paying bills.

Is everything okay, honey?

Oh, you walked over here.

I just thought you uber-ed everywhere.

Okay. Okay, I got to breathe.

That's still free, isn't it?

Mitchell, it's not that bad.

Really? Because I haven't worked in weeks.

I have no prospects.

We're living off of a gym teacher's salary, and -- [ Laughs ] And somehow I let you talk me into buying the apartment upstairs.

[ Exhales sharply ] What's going on? Are we poor?

No, while other daddy looks for a job, I'm gonna be taking on some work as a summertime driver's ed teacher.

How much can that pay?

Every little bit helps.

And besides, Mitchell, before you know it, you're gonna be back in a stuffy office with some stuffy lawyers, wishing you had taken advantage of this time.

Am I right?

Well, that doesn't not sound like me.

Exactly, so why don't you take this chance...

[ Sighs ] ...To do something fun, find a hobby?

You know, every time we go to a gallery, you always say, "I could paint something that stupid."

Well, prove it.

You know what? I have. I've always wanted to paint.

And the place upstairs is gonna be a rental gold mine -- once we paint it, we furnish it, we fix the electric, redo the plumbing, and figure out why that brown spot won't stop growing.

It's growing?

Wow, did you two really just waste your entire day quilting?

We had a wonderful time, didn't we, sweetie?

I'm not crying anymore.

To help get her mind off of Andy, Haley and I have been making a quilt out of all her old clothes...

And some stuff I need Phil to stop wearing.

Oh, cool. That square is the same pattern as my kangol hat.

Can you believe how gorgeous it is outside?

[ Chuckles ] And now it's gorgeous inside.

Because you're inside. Was that clear?

Hey, do you want to go quiz me on the periodic table?

Oxygen potassium.

Ohh, he used the elements to say "okay."

[ Laughs ]

Oh, well, that was fun for me.

Mom, can we drink now?

Honey, it's lunchtime. Ohh.

That's a "yes."

[ Chuckles ]

Why do I feel like you're enjoying this?

What? Sad Haley needs her mommy again.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

I'm just helping her channel her broken heart into something more positive.

Please, that's the saddest blanket since the aids quilt.

Haley's wallowing in self-pity, and you're feeding off of it.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Mom, I'm just gonna go take a nap.

Oh, sweetheart, do you want me to snuggle with you till you fall asleep?

Okay, that's it. Pity party's over.

Time for some Dunphy fun. We are going to the movies.

When was the last time you showered?

What day is it?

We will wait.

I know you can't tell me, but that b. Willis jungle gym -- that's Bruce Willis, right?

His kid goes here?

Well, we do pride ourselves on privacy here at Davenport, but, uh, you may have a "sixth sense" about this.

I'll be damned.

He looks like the kind of guy you want to have a beer with, you know?

We have one educator for every four children --

I have a question.

Uh, I attend high school with one of your graduates, a Theodore durkas.

Did you turn him into a monster, or was he always like that?

I actually remember Teddy durkas.

He was a lovely boy.

I'll give him your regards next time he's making one of my nurples purple.

[ Crash ] [ Gasps ]

Ay, Joe, what did you do?!

Oh, it's not his fault.

These cubbies were donated by a former parent who fancied himself a carpenter.

I can't say who, but it is ironic that he couldn't use a hammer, and now we "can't touch this."

You keep saying you can't say, and then you say.

It's just nice to talk to adults.

Hey, we're sold. You want Joe? He's yours.

It was very smart of you to get a jump on next year.

Next year? What -- what about this year?

Oh, uh, we enroll at least a year out.

And even then, there's a significant waiting list.

You're kidding. I'm sorry, Mr. pritchett.


You could try the learnin' barn.

Ah, yes. That sounds very nice.

The learnin' barn sounds nice?

Yes, in my village, only the richest kids were allowed to learn inside the barn.

Hope you guys like dinosaurs.

I got us tickets to "the second best exotic marigold hotel."

I know you're kidding, but I found the first one incredibly moving.

I never realized how many people hold hands in malls.

And now that gays are legal or whatever, it's basically everyone.

Oh, honey, I'll hold your hand. Come here.

Is that Dylan?

No. No, that's -- that's definitely not Dylan.


Hello, Dunphy family!

What the what?

[ Laughs ] How you doing, buddy?

Life's a roller coaster, but I'm tall enough to ride.

True dat.

Haley, you look as yummy as ever.

[ Chuckles ] Thanks. What's going on?

So, I'm designing t-shirts now, and I'm trying to get the stores to sell them.

I'm wearing one.

"Lie"? "Live."

The neck is the "v."

Game changer.

Yeah, and I've got all these great "v" words.

"Love," "dove" -- leave. ..."Governor."

Wow, that is such a cool idea.

It's so good to see you.

Do you want to get some coffee sometime?

I'm not doing anything right now.

Uh, movie.

Nice try, but not all "v" words work, Mrs. D.

[ Chuckles ]

Have fun, you two.

"Hey, Dylan!"

Mitchell, are you aware our daughter's eating a ketchup sandwich?

Good, she found something.

So, you didn't go grocery shopping today.

I am gonna go, but after yoga.

Hey -- hey, you should come with me, 'cause you seem really tense.

Oh, well, maybe they have a five-minute class I could sneak in between football camp and driver's ed?

[ Chuckles ]

No, I'm very proud of you and your grapefruit.

Chrysler building. Mitchell really embraced this whole "take a little break" thing far more than I expected.

But for years, he supported both of us while I pursued my passions -- photography, hip-hop dancing, fox hunting.

So I couldn't be the one to tell him to get a job.

But maybe somebody else could.

Hey, Charlie? It's -- it's, uh, Cameron.

My husband Mitchell used to work for you.


I remember you.

Yeah, what a nice surprise.

I know! Crazy! [ Chuckles ]

Crazy like that fox I told Mitchell was chicken.

[ Chuckles ]

Was it clear? I-I stalked Charlie.

I can't believe it.

Mitchell and I were just talking about you last night.

How are you?

Well, I don't want to burden you with my problems.

Uh, I think I've outgrown my boat.


Hey, how is Mitchell? He's fine.

Actually, he's fielding a few job offers right now, and he's running into problems because he keeps comparing everyone to you.


Sometimes I think the only thing that's gonna make him feel better is if you offered him another job.

What the hell? I'll do it.

Really? Yeah, I'm getting a new boat.

Oh. And I will talk to Mitchell.

I miss that $3 bill.

You scheduled your breakup?

Yes, labor day. That's when I leave for school.

86% of long-distance relationships end in failure.

It's the only logical course of action.

That is the least romantic thing I've ever heard.

Stay together.

Wrong. Break up.

College is the sexiest candy store in the world.

You don't want to show up with your jaws wired shut.

No, take it from Haley and me.

It's hard to be apart and then together and then apart and then together and then apart and then turned down by the marines and then together.

Ugh. I can't believe we've got that dodo back in our lives.

At least Haley's happy.

Honey, could you at least take that T-shirt off?

They loved it at the deli. They were kvelling.


Andy! Hi.

Sorry to interrupt. I just want to get these to you.

Here is the closing on baywood. Awesome.

And this is the Johnsons' offer, all set for signatures.

You've done a real mitzvah, buddy.

I hope that's good.

Oh, hey.


I -- it's been awhile since I've seen you.

Yeah, I've been putting a lot of hours in, trying to earn extra money for this wedding.

Hola. I'm Dylan, Haley's boyfriend.

Uh, hey. I'm Andy.

I didn't realize you two are back together.

Oh, yeah. [ Chuckles ]

We're like magnets... [ Chuckles ]

...that sometimes take a break to date other magnets.

What happened was we were together, and then we were apart. [ Whirring ]

Thank you so much for making time for us today.

Oh, I'm sorry it took so long, but the faculty kind of scatters for the summer.

I drove my van to Maine and planted beans.

Let me guess -- and killed a giant.

[ Both laugh ]

Chicken! What the -- Joe!

Joe, come back here.

Oh, it's okay. The chickens won't hurt him.

They're used to the kids.

Chickens are part of this?

We like to utilize the setting here in the hills, make nature a part of the experience.

We sometimes see mice or raccoons or little squirrels.

You know they got traps for those kind of things.

Ay, I love it. Joe gets to run around in the fresh air.

Erica, I need you!

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

We're out of here.

She's a loon, letting kids call her "Erica" like they're poker buddies.

We're too late for anywhere else.

If Bruce Willis can jungle-gym his way into that fancy school, then I can...

I don't know -- I can cubbie my way in.

They hate their cubbies? I'll make them new ones.

Cubbies are nothing but little closets.

Ay, but look at Joe. He loves it.

He's chasing after the chickens.

[ Chickens clucking ] [ Chuckles ]

He even caught one. Huh.

[ Chicken squawks ] Oh, no! No!

[ Wings fluttering rapidly ] No, Joe! Let go!

[ Chicken squawks ] [ Gasps ]

We will be very happy to pay for that chicken.

[ Door opens ] Mitchell, Mitchell!

Look who I bumped into accidentally by chance.

Hey, stranger.


Ah, I didn't know you painted.

I didn't, either.

It sort of started as a therapeutic thing, but then I just really fell for it.

[ Sighs ] I always wanted to paint.

Damn it!

Why am I not painting?

Well, you're so busy running your company.

Maybe if you hired more people, you'd have more time.

I sleep with so many actresses and models who are into guys with jets and boats and ski houses, but I always wondered, wouldn't it be more satisfying to sleep with actresses and models who are into artists?

Anyway, you were saying how overwhelmed you were at work.

I'm overwhelmed by this work.

How do you decide what to paint?

You know, I just see these images in my head, uh, things I want to see, places I want to go, uh, how much paint I have left.

Um, sometimes I just tap into my emotions, and I see where that takes me.

And -- you cannot imagine the sense of contentment.

Imagine how much more satisfying it would be after a good day's work.

You know, I came here to talk you into coming back to the company, but you're the most at-peace son of a bitch I've ever met, and I hired the dalai lama for a pool party.


Thank you, commander. Mm-hmm.

I will drop these at the office on the way out of town.

So, unless there's something else?

You're something else. Claire, get this man a cupcake.

Mm? No, thank you, Mrs. Dunphy.

[ Chuckles ] I've got to fit into a wedding tux pretty soon.

All right, get out of here. Happy motoring.

Bye, Andy. See you.

Where's he off to?

Utah for a month to plan his wedding.

I'm kicking myself. Andy is great.

And if I hadn't opened my big, fat mouth, Haley might be with him right now instead of with Dylan.


What? Nothing.


Oh, I was just wondering what would happen if Andy were to find out that Haley almost -- no. We are not meddling like that.

No, we're not. Of course we're not.

But you meddled when you called Haley and told her that Andy liked her.

That's a far cry from telling Andy Haley was in love with him and raced to the beach to stop his proposal.

[ Clears throat ]




I accidentally took your pen.

I didn't want to go plan my wedding with something so big weighing on my mind.

Andy, I am really sorry.

I didn't mean for you to hear that.

Do not worry. No big dip!



It's actually kind of funny, you know?

'Cause how crazy is life?

I was all, "should I propose to Beth?

I have feelings for someone else."

Meantime, I was talking about Haley.

Haley apparently had feelings for me, and I had no clue!

How could you not laugh at something like that, right?

[ Laughs ]

Oh-oh-oh! Ohh.

Mmm! So good.

All right. Mmm. Happy fourth.

I am so fine.

Hello, hello! Where do I put this?

Hi. Anywhere on the counter is great, thanks. Hi, dad.

[ Laughs ] Hey. What's, uh, "e-olve" mean?

Oh, no. It says "evolve."

It's one of Dylan's designs. The neck is the "v."

There's two v's. There can't be two necks.

Then why even do it? Don't make me defend this, dad.

I am just trying to be supportive.

Ignore him. He's just grumpy because Joe starts school tomorrow.

Well, that's hard when they leave the nest for the first time.

I don't care about that.

All I wanted was to bribe my way into that fancy school by making cubbies stuff didn't fall out of.

[ Whirring ]

We can't say more. Litigation is pending.

All right, who's ready for my famous chicken salad?

Oh, thank you!

We need the foil back. Right.

Whoa. What happened to your ear, van gogh?

Oh, I was painting sunflowers outside, and I got stung by a bee.

You know, I take it as a compliment.

From the bee community?

Oh, my goodness, Claire. That's one of mine.

Yes, it is. Oh, that looks so good there.

Right? I just love all the colors. It makes me feel so happy.


I call it "rape of the immigrant."

I think we left the brownies in the car.

Oh, I'll get those. Well, way to go, pal.

[ All complimenting ]

Okay, what is wrong with you people?

I am dying here, trying to hold down two jobs while you enable a once-proud man who is clearly having a talent-free breakdown.

You know why he reminds you of van gogh?

It's because he's earning nothing, and he's losing his mind!

Hey, everybody! Guess who's back?!

Who? Who is back?


Andy! Sorry, it took me a second.

No, I know. I -- I'm parting my hair a little differently.

Yeah. That's one thing that's new about me.

Uh-huh. So, Beth likes it this way.

I-I love it, looks great. It looks great.

Thank you. [ Chuckles ]

Hi, Uncle Mitchell.

Hey! Oh, uh -- honey, what's wrong?

Nothing. I-I-I just said goodbye to Sanjay.

We broke up.


No, it's -- it's -- it's great.

We're -- we're both going to school unencumbered and ready to focus.

It's the smart thing to do.

We both feel really good about it.

You don't look like you feel good.

Well, yeah, he was -- he was sadder than I imagined, so I'm being strong for the both of us, which he said he admires.

I think.

It was hard to hear him with all the John legend and the sobbing.

[ Sighs, groans ]

You know what?

I recently went through a very hard time, and I found something that really helped me navigate my feelings.

I don't want to paint. Painting.

[ Laughter, indistinct conversations ]

Oh, my God, right?

I am freaking out.

You don't think that's because of what he heard us say, do you?

No, lots of people gain weight during their engagement.

You did. I was pregnant.

I'm trying, Claire.

I don't want to believe we're responsible.

Of course we're responsible.

Clearly, Andy has been stuffing his face ever since he found out that Haley almost stopped his proposal.


We have got to start talking in the garage.

Uh, Dylan, could you make me a plate?

If I can make a bong out of a carrot, I think I can make you a plate.

You told Andy I tried to stop his proposal?

Not on purpose.

Before he left for Utah, your father and I were privately discussing how bad it would be if he found out, and Andy overheard us.

What did he say?

He said he was fine. Mm.

But...Now we're not so sure.

[ Laughs ]

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, that's Andy? Mm-hmm.

You think he got fat 'cause of me?

Possibly. Yes.

Should I talk to him about it?

Honey, that has to be your decision.

We are through meddling in your love life.

Yeah. Though I will say he's still very much engaged.

Whereas, I would want to know if he got fat because he was still in love with me.

And now we're out.

See, don't you feel better?


Don't stress out about light and perspective and -- and color.

You know, just let your painting be what it wants to be.

How's this? Here, let's see.

What the hell? Why are you so good?

I don't know. I'm just good at most things.

So am I, usually.

Wait a second. So is Sanjay.

I-I-I-I have to get to him before he leaves.


You're really getting better. Maybe you should go inside.

[ Discordant notes play ]

Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, get down from there!

You're gonna get hurt. What happened?

This is why he shouldn't go to your commune.

He'll fall, those hippies won't notice, and he'll be eaten alive by chickens.

I think we have established that he can take care of himself around a chicken.

You keep forgetting that Joe is tough. He's part me.

That's the son that you should be worrying about.

[ Grunts ]

I really thought I was done with that one.


How's it going?

I got a splinter... And a few other issues.

You know what's happening here, don't you?

You're having a mid-life crisis.

Oh, my God.

Some guys, it's fast cars and women.

Me, it was golf.

You, it's just a little gayer.

I know like 10 lesbians who could out-golf you.

The point is when you're wound as tight as we are, you're bound to snap.

Yeah. Yeah, I-I've just been working so hard for so long.

And now that I've stopped, I'm -- I'm having a hard time starting again.

Oh, I get it.

I took six weeks off one summer just to play golf.

And one day, during the big club tournament, I hooked a seven-iron out of bounds.

I got so pissed that I wrapped the club around a tree and drove the golf cart off the little bridge into the lake.

I'll never forget what the club pro said to me.

"Mr. pritchett, you're not a very good golfer.

Go back to your day job."

Look... [ Sighs ]

I know I'm not a good painter, dad.

I -- I was just hoping to feel a little bit better before going back to work.

You're not gonna feel better until you go back to work.

Mitchell, you're a great lawyer.

Go do that.

And get a haircut. Okay.



So, listen, um, I heard that you found out that I was at the beach that day.


I didn't know you felt that way about me.

Would have been nice to know.

Well, it would have been nice to know you had feelings for me. [ Chuckles ]

A lot of things would have been nice.

Do you have feelings for me now?

Haley, I'm engaged.

That's not an answer.

Why are you picking now to talk about all this?

Because I'm worried about all this.

What? My weight?

[ Sighs ] Please. This will drop off in a second.

Andy, don't you think that there is a chance that you have been eating because you regret getting engaged to Beth?

Why would I do that? Beth is amazing.

Beth is a psycho who tried to light my hair on fire.

Meanwhile, Dylan is in the backyard trying to make a plate out of sticks.

Well, at least he knows what he wants and goes for it.

Then I guess it's a good thing that we didn't get together.

Best decision I ever made!


[ Both stomping ]

I'm not gonna lie, Phil.

I might need to get back into that.


[ Rapid footsteps ] Sanjay!

Oh, God. I can't say goodbye again.

We don't have to.

We're basing this decision on a statistic.

86% percent of long-distance relationships end in failure, correct? Of course "correct."

You'd never misquote a statistic.

And neither would you.

When have we ever been in the bottom 86th percentile of anything?

Never. I'd kill myself. We're in the top 1%.

Exactly. I learned how to paint in an afternoon.

Last night, I developed an app to feed my fish from college.

If anyone can make this work, it's you and me.

God, I love numbers.

I love numbers, too.