Modern Family S7E10 Script

Playdates (2016)

I'm starving.

Any chance that's for me?

Oh, no. It is for mom.

I'm planning on making some bad choices tonight, and I'm gonna need her on my side.

I never realized the forethought that went into being a disappointment.

Mm. Hey!

Hey! Hey, Uncle Mitch. What are you doing here?

What do you mean?

It's Uncle Mitchell's birthday fun day.

We know!

Yeah! Yeah!

We are so excited you are finally cashing this in.

Me too.

We forgot to get Uncle Mitchell a present for his last birthday.

So, we came up with this great idea -- a coupon for a fun day with the three of us.

It was perfect because it was so sweet and we'd never have to do it.

I hope you're ready for your first big surprise!

I am.

It's a super-fun omelet!

Aww! Uh, yeah!

And if you were wondering what is so super-fun about that, is that it comes with a -- a side of, uh...

Luke's omelet dance!

Don't be shy. You've been practicing all week.

Come on.

Okay. Uh...

♪ It's your birthday ♪

♪ I'm an omelet ♪ Oh.

♪ It's your birthday ♪

♪ I'm an omelet, it's your birthday ♪ This is a living nightmare.

Why would he just show up? Shouldn't he have given us some notice?

I kind of remember him calling about it, but I would've put it in my phone -- oh, there it is. Of course.

Oh, my God. I'm supposed to be cat-sitting.

We have to figure out something good.

He's the first to call us on our birthdays, and he always gets us amazing presents.

Are you even listening to me?

How long can a cat go without eating?

Haley, he is the best uncle there is.

This cannot be our present.

♪ It's your birthday ♪

♪ I'm an omelet, it's your birthday ♪

♪ I'm an omelet ♪ I don't know what's happening, but I love it.

♪ It's your birthday ♪ ♪ It's my birthday ♪

♪ I'm an omelet ♪ ♪ You're an omelet ♪

-- captions by VITAC --

(giggling) if you're going to keep giggling, I'll do my own nails.

I'm sorry -- it's just funny, the juxtaposition.

I get it -- I'm Asian. Ha ha ha.

(doorbell rings) It's racist, Daddy.


Lily, look who it is -- our lovely Canadian guests.

Please come in. How is everything upstairs?

It's like a palace up there.

I keep expecting to run into Gordon Pinsent. Ooh.

I'm sorry.

Is he not a big movie star down here?

No. But thank you for Ryan Reynolds. (chuckles)

One little thing -- we're going to see the handprints at the Chinese Theater, and I'm worried it's going to look disrespectful if Rob wears shorts.

Honey, it's 55 degrees out. I'm not wearing long pants.

You're fine. It's Hollywood.

There'll be people there with no pants.

Hi, Lily. Lily, say hi to Monte.


I'm...sorry. She's never this shy.

No, we're sorry. Seems like something scared her.



It was adorable.

Lily was clearly smitten with that little Canadian Monte. [Mountie]

Just heard that. Delightful.

It was a rite of passage that I had been looking forward to -- my daughter's first crush.

And I wanted to be there for her in a way that no one was there for me.

Of course, my first crush was on a statue of a Confederate general in front of a courthouse.

That's the same year they put up the "Do not climb the statue" signs.

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

Is this shirt okay? I got another one in the car.

It's just lunch. Calm down.

Your boyfriend's gonna love it.

Last summer, Phil and I went to Cabo for five days, and we met Tom and Lisa Delaney, and we had so much fun, we make sure to see them every time they're in town.

Tom's a hugely successful investment banker. Yeah.

He does tons of charity work, he runs a marathon in 3:24, and he flies his own helicopter.

Yeah, and Lisa...

Yeah, she is one lucky lady.

Before they get here, can you promise me you won't pick up the check?


Oh, honey, I like them, but we've seen them three times since Cabo.

Every time, they order the most expensive stuff.

They are the richest people we know -- thank you -- and yet I have not seen him reach for the check once.

Tom has trouble reaching for stuff.

He hurt his shoulder pitching in college.

Division 1.

You feel a need to pick up the check because you're intimidated by him and you want to prove something.

That's crazy. I just don't like it when the bill sits there.

It's awkward.

You can't just roll over on something

'cause it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Whatever you want. Hello, beautiful.

Ohh! Hi, handsome.

(both laugh)

Hey, you two.

Hey! Hi!

Hi! Oh, my gosh.

It is so great to see you guys.

And you. Let's get some champagne.

Let's do it. Mm-hmm.

Okay, that's it.

If you hate it so much, just tell me.

Fine. Your cologne is horrible.

You smell like a stripper died in a cabin.

I'm not talking about my cologne.

That's why I hang back and wait for him to get specific.

My mustache.

I've been growing it for weeks, and the two of you have been conspicuously silent.

It's very dashing. What mustache?

Right, Jay. Like I'm supposed to believe you didn't see it.

You got me.

Check you later, Serpico.

(laughing) Serpico!

You don't even know who that is.


Where are you going with your golf clubs?

Take a shot in the dark. But we have a playdate.

Really? We just had one last night.

Not that I'm saying no -- just quicker turnaround than usual.

A playdate for Joe.

And both parents are coming, so you have to be here.

You've got to be kidding me.

I mean, it's bad enough that these kids today have to make a date to play with each other.

They can't go in the street and kick a can or drool over a friend's centerfold of Kim Novak.

Say something I understand.

Why do we all have to sit around and watch our kids play?

Because that's what people do now.

And Joe is very excited about it.

His first real friend.

Gloria... What's the problem?

I like the mom, and everybody says that you and the dad have a lot in common.

It's going to be fun.

(doorbell rings)

Come in, everybody.


Gloria, this is my husband, Marty.

Look at you.

Pretty as a pinup.

And where's the lucky husband I've been hearing about?

Marty, that's Jay.

Oh, good. You are old.

(chuckling) I was scared they were exaggerating.


Um, so...I don't want to spoil any surprises, but, uh, if you had to guess, what -- what would you say we're doing today?

Yeah, let's just see if you pick what we have planned.

Let's see. Oh, my God.

Is it that farm in Oxnard where cam and Lily and I went strawberry-picking?

We had the most wonderful --

(tires squeal) Ow.

Sorry, but you are just so great at this game.

But it's not strawberry season, so it can't be that.

Which is exactly why we didn't pick that.

Okay, so...guess again.

Wait -- do I smell the ocean?

Are you taking me to that fabulous Carlton's on the beach?

They have the most --

(tires squeal) Ow!

Well, we're not making any promises, but that would be a pretty good guess.

If they weren't closed for renovations.

Damn it! Think, Uncle Mitchell.

It's getting a little warm in here. Do you mind if we crack a window?

Unless I've already done that with my head.

(chuckles) We -- we need to stop for gas, okay?

Just keep your blindfold on, Uncle Mitchell.


Fine. This is fine.

Fill 'er up!

(Southern accent) Yes, ma'am. Seriously?

We can't just keep driving around.

We need to go somewhere.

Focus, people. What does Uncle Mitchell like?

I don't know. Gay things, right? What's the gayest thing you can think of?

(scoffs) He's married to it.

Hey, look.

Everybody loves stars. We could take him on a tour.

Driving around looking at houses isn't much of a birthday fun day.

We need more time.

Let's knock him out.

Charlize Theron, Harrison Ford, Halle Berry...

None of these seem very Uncle Mitchell.

What does Uncle Mitchell like? Gay things.

Then here's the mother lode.

Barbra Streisand! Perfect!

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. How do we know these maps are real?

You think I built this whole business on fake maps?

What business? You got a sign and a lawn chair.

Can we wrap this up? I might still have a cat to feed.

Phil must have taken 100 pictures of me on the beach just to get one shot of the topless women behind me.

There were topless women behind you?

(both laugh) Uh-huh.

Here you go. I'll just take this when you're ready.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

So, what do you two have planned for the rest of today?


But if you need to wind it up, it's --

Nah. We're good.

(chuckles) Yeah, good. Good.

Do you guys, uh, you have any fun trips planned or...

Well, I was planning on visiting the restroom, and if all goes well, then maybe Spain in April.

Adios, amigo.

(laughter) iVaya con dios!


You want to keep that hand, amigo?

And France was just beautiful.

MARTY: I hadn't been there since D-Day.

Took me the same amount of time to get across that beach, though.

(both chuckle)

You were in the service?

Yeah, but different war.

Oh, Korea. Me too.

No, next war. Keep going.

Anybody want some cheese? Ah.

Not me. Gums up the old ticker.

(chuckles) Jay knows about that.

No idea. Love the stuff.

Just be careful with the almonds.

You may break the denture.

Uh, it's not a denture. It's an implant.

How many times have we been over this?

You forget stuff, too, huh?

I never forget anything.

When we park at the mall, we have to take a picture.

Jay, Gloria tells me you have kids from your first marriage.

So does Marty.

Yeah. My oldest is, uh, 66.

Was. She passed last year.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Well, that's young. What was it?

Natural causes.

I blame most of it on stress.

So much more pressure than there was years ago.

Back in our day --

Different day. Not the same day.

Actually more your dead daughter's day.

May she rest in peace.

Mom, we need to talk.

What are you doing here? You're supposed to be watching the kids.

Wesley is a bad influence on Joe.

He's rude and disrespectful, and I think you should nip this friendship in the bud.

He made fun of your mustache, didn't he?

What kind of 4-year-old knows the word "wispy"?


Manny, look at me.

This close, and I still couldn't see it.

It's just for a little while longer, okay?


But if they mess with me, I'm gonna mess with them.

How many times a night do you have to get up to pee?

I'm up to four or five.

Not me, old-timer. Twice tops.

Once last month, I even slept through the night.

Now, I'm gonna refresh this

'cause I got nothing to worry about.

I'm literally in a pissing contest with the son of a bitch.

Why are we eating off the good china?

Because we're having company for lunch.

Who's coming?

Okay, I invited Monte and his family from upstairs.

What?! Why?!

Because a daddy can tell when his little girl has a crush.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Hey, Lily, where are you going?

Look, I want you to be able to talk to me about this kind of stuff.

It's completely natural and healthy to have feelings for someone.

And you know what? I think he likes you, too.

You just have to draw him out, you know?

Flirt a little. How?

Uh, well, you just sit down in front of him, look him straight in the eye, put a big smile on your face, and ask him some questions, like, "So, do you have any hobbies?

Is Canada really as beautiful as they say it is?

Are you a fan of the bacon?" (giggles)

Why are you blinking like that?

Well, because I'm sending him signals.

Okay, what else? Oh.

Definitely compliment him on his outfit, laugh at his jokes.

What if they aren't funny?

Oh, honey, the cute ones rarely are.

God doesn't give with both hands.

Okay, do not have a heart attack, but when you take off your blindfold, you will be standing in front of none other than the legendary superstar...

Who? ...the one and only...

Who? ...Ms. Barbra Streisand--

Oh, my! ...'s house.

Ah -- oh.

Oh, are you serious? She actually lives here?

Yeah. Well...

I can't believe it.

Dude, look. Her gate is open.

We should get a picture of you in her driveway.

How awesome of a birthday fun day gift would that be?

Okay. You know what? Pepper would die.

He loved "Yentl" so much, he had a second bar mitzvah.

Oh. Yeah. Okay, let's -- let's do it.

Okay, right in front of the house.

Yeah. This is fantastic.

♪ Pepper, can you hear me? ♪

♪ Pepper, can you see me? ♪

♪ Pepper, I am standing in the driveway ♪ Excuse me. Can I help you?

Oh, I'm so sorry. We were just --

Oh, my God. You're Ray Liotta.

Wow. He really is a big fan.

He even knows the name of her gardener. Ah.

"Goodfellas"? "Something Wild"?

"Field of Dreams"? "Field of Dreams."

Never seen it. Okay, we're really not that old.

Look, Ray Liotta is a very fine actor, and we have taken up enough of his time.

Stop saying my full name like you have to keep telling them who I am.


So, wait -- you live with Barbra Streisand?

Y-Y-You got the map. Yeah.

She lived here for about 2 months 15 years ago. Oh.

You think the bastards would update these things to reflect the current movie-star owners.

Thank you. Come on, kids. We're very sorry to have bothered you.

No, no, no. I don't want you to leave empty-handed.

Come on in for a selfie. Oh. All right. Um...

Here. O-Okay.

When you see my movies later, you're gonna realize that this is a special moment.

Come on. And "cheeeeese"!


See? That's an old actor's trick for a perfect smile.

Except you and I are smiling. You guys aren't smiling.

W-What's the matter?

It's not you, Mr. Liotta.

We just really feel like we let our uncle down.

We were supposed to plan a special day for his birthday, and we totally flaked.

We're so sorry.

We tried to figure out where to take you, and we know how much you love Barbra Streisand.

You always give us the most awesome gifts.

We suck.

Don't say that.

I kind of figured you didn't have anything by the second verse of the omelet dance.

Hey, I've had no training.

But then I saw how hard you were trying to make me happy, and I just love hanging out with you guys.

Plus, I did get to meet Ray Lio--


You're also gonna meet Barbra.

What? No.

I've been meaning to go by her house anyway.

I've got a bunch of her mail.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

No, no, no, no. You remind me of -- of someone that I loved when I was a kid.

I had a funny uncle, too.


This is so nice of you.

Well, I must admit, I-I have a little bit of an ulterior motive.

I think Lily has a giant crush on your little guy.

I kind of wanted to set them up.

I know -- I'm a hopeless romantic.

Oh! That's so cute!

I remember my first crush. It was at summer camp.

I lived in Toronto, and he was from Edmonton, so it was very star-crossed.

Just like our little Romeo and Juliet.

He was the first boy I ever loved.

Billy Macklin. (inhales sharply)

God. I haven't thought of him in years.

Do you have any hobbies?

Well, I like rock climbing.

I collect Pokémon --

I hear Canada's nice.

Do you like bacon?

Okay, you know what, I'm just gonna --

After that summer, things got pretty rough.

Dad died, Mom started drinking.

(voice breaking) It was a lot to handle.

I love your shirt. Is it new?

Oh, I think this shirt's older than you are.

Oh! Ha ha ha ha!

Okay, Lily, can I see you in the bedroom, please?

Older than I am -- oh, Rob, you're killing me!

Okay, we'll be right back.

And enough.

What are you doing out there?

What you told me.

I think it's going pretty good.

I thought your crush was on Monte.

You can't flirt with a grown man.

But you said -- No. It's not appropriate.

Oh, no! I'm never talking to a boy ever again!

Lily, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

If anything, this is -- this is my fault.

I thought you meant Monte, and I confused you.


Can I...tell you a little secret?


Well, when I made a move on my first crush, it went way worse.

It was New Year's Eve, and I went to give him a kiss, and my tongue froze to his cheek.

Why did it freeze?

It was cold, and he was made out of bronze, (voice breaking) and I don't want to talk about this anymore.

What are you doing?

Marty said guys our age can't do 10 sit-ups.

I don't remember saying it, but it sounds like me.

Jay, may I speak with you for a moment?

All right.


Ah, crap!

Uh, here. L-Let me help you.

Aah! I'm going down!

Aah! Vicky!

What is wrong with you today?

I'm sick of Marty lumping me into the same age category as him.

"Guys like us," "Back in our day."

I'm a Baby Boomer, for God's sake.

I know all the words to "Light My Fire."

Jay, you have to stop thinking only about you.

Yeah, I know, I know. I should think about Joe.

No -- me!

Do you know that Vicky and I are the oldest moms in the class -- by a lot?


This might surprise you, but aging is also a big deal for women.

I need Vicky to be my friend.

I feel out of place around all those young moms.

And if you don't like her husband, maybe she'll stop liking me.

Gloria, I'm trying, but it's --

At least you're not the oldest dad.

Can't you enjoy that?

When was the last time that you were the young stud in the room?

When I put Mom in that nursing home.

That was quite a rush.

So, are you going to be nice?

Yes. He's not a bad guy.

And really, how much longer am I gonna have to put up with him?

Ay, no, Jay. Don't say that.

You're going to live a long life.

Not me! Grandpa out there!

Shh! He can hear you.

Hear what?

You were talking about my mustache again?

No, Manny. We love your mustache.

Oh, hilarious.

Tell me you like it now that I've shaved it off!

Black mother and white father, but I've never met him.

Ah. That's a story that should be out there more -- white fathers who abandon their families.

What else? What else?

So, this is Walter.

Just as I took over for Jeremy when his shift ended, he'll be taking over for me.

Unless you're ready?

I think we're still talking. But thanks.

Walter? Could I ask you a quick question right over there?

I'll be right back, too.

Hey! I just need a minute alone with my husband. Thank you.

There is no way you are paying that bill.

It has been out there forever, and he hasn't even pretended to reach for his wallet.

This is torture, Claire. I'll pay anything to end it.

Stay strong.

(grunting) I'm weak. You married a weak man!

Give it to me. Give it -- Phil --

No! Walter! Walter!



Okay. Here's the thing.

We like hanging out -- No, Claire! No!

I know what this is about.

Tom, you should have paid the check. It's rude.

He's not rude. He's wonderful. I had to pay.


Phil, don't you say another word! Ow!

See? I told you. What the hell is going on here?

Nothing. Phil?

Fine -- if you have to know every last detail about my life...

I lost a bet to Tom in Cabo. Now I owe him five meals.

There -- we're done. That's it.

Why didn't you just say that?

Th-- there's no reason. I don't...

What...was...the bet?

Phil, I mean it -- don't say another word.

They're gonna figure it out, Tom.

How could they figure out, Phil? They're gonna figure it out.

We were drunk on margaritas, and we wanted to find out whose wife would eat the most crickets.

What?! What?!

Doesn't seem like they were circling that, Phil.

You were just g-grabbing crickets and sneaking them into our food?

Not live ones. They were roasted.

Oh, my God!

You're disgusting people.

You're missing the silver lining here, honey.

I lost the bet.

So I didn't eat crickets?

You ate three. Ohh!

Lisa had six. Six?!

You could've won with four!

Baby, baby, I couldn't take that chance.

I'd like to give you two a little something to think about.

Most of the food you eat is prepared by us.

Or by our private chef. But I-I like where you're going.

Next time you take a bite of a big, juicy burger or dig into a bowl of spaghetti, there's gonna be an extra special ingredient in there, and it won't be love.



How many did you get this time? Two crickets.

Yes! (sighs)

Okay, this makes more sense.

Barbra would never leave her gate wide open.

RAY: They're broken, okay?

Don't make me regret bringing you here.


MAN: Hello?

Is Barbra home? It's Ray Liotta.

You know, from "Goodfellas."

"Something Wild." "Field of Dreams."

BARBRA: Oh, I know who he is. What's up, Ray?

Barbra, I have some of your mail from when you used to live over at Cedarhurst.

And I have a friend here that would like --

Just leave the mail by the gate. I'll send someone down.

O-Okay, but -- Oy. There's more?

Uh, Ms. Streisand, hi. My -- my name is Mitchell Pritchett, and I have been a fan of yours since I can't even remember, and -- oh, your artistry and integrity has inspired me my whole life, and I just -- aaaah! I can't even believe I'm talking to you right now.

Please. I'm just a regular person, like you.

I have people put on my pants one leg at a time.

(laughing) that's so funny.

Barbra, today is his birthday!

Well, technically, it was three weeks ago.

All right, you're blowing it. Sorry.

You sound very sweet, Mitchell.

I-I was thinking maybe as a special treat, you could --

I'm not singing into my gate, Ray.

Well, it was very nice to talk to you.

I did have a quick question about --

Goodbye. (click)

It's fine.

When I tell the story, it ends with her singing "Happy Birthday."

Oh, shoot. It's past 3:00.

What's wrong? You late for dinner? Jay.

Honey, it's okay. If we leave now, we -- No, no, I missed it.

What did you miss?

It's Fred and Ginger week on TCM.

They're showing "Swing Time," and I forgot to record it.

Let me tell you about a little innovation called Netflix.

You'll never miss another movie again.

Really? Hand to God.

You pick a film on your computer.

Three days later, there's a disk in your mailbox.

You got to stay up with technology, Marty.

Wow. Thanks.

Can you believe he doesn't know about streaming?

If I ever get that out of touch, kill me.