Modern Family S7E12 Script

Clean for a Day (2016)

[ Scoffs ] Why do I still have to come to these family meetings?

I'm an adult.

She said, emerging from the basement in her pajamas at noon.

Get off my back. It's Saturday.

Right? Yeah.

What is this meeting about?

Are the ducks back? 'Cause that was weird.

They saved us.

From people thinking we're normal.

Your mom starts her new job running grandpa's closet company on Monday, and you know how she gets when there are big changes. [ Groans ]

Claire: [ English accent ] Knockity-knock!

Oh, no. Not --

Mrs. clutterworth.

Who's ready to take everything we don't want and toss it in the bin?

I am!

You get her arms, I'll get her legs.

[ Normal voice ] I created Mrs. clutterworth when the kids were little as a way to make home organizing fun.

So fun. Super fun.

Maybe a little confusing.


Well, the name is clearly inspired by Mrs. butterworth, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

But somehow she has a British accent.

Yeah, well, the kids were super into Mary poppins back then.

Still missing a step.

Take one of these things up to your rooms.

Put everything in it you don't use.

Can't we just do this next weekend, or, like, never?


I am starting my new job and I want to leave things as organized as possible.

Most people just throw stuff into a closet.

[ Sighs ] As president of a closet company, you should know that.

We're doing this.

Or, more to the point, if...

[ British accent ] ♪ there's something that you have ♪

♪ and you never, ever use it ♪

♪ put it in the bin ♪

♪ lose it, lose it, lose it ♪ oh, I think you've lost it, lost it, lost it.

-- Captions by vitac -- captioning provided by 20th century fox television and abc, inc.

And brought to you by Ford. We go further, so you can.

♪♪ Mitchell: I'd like to toast my dad on his first day of retirement.

Congratulations on 42 years in the closet... [ Laughs ]

I think what I'm going to miss the most is all the closet jokes.

Traditionally on an occasion this emotionally significant, he man of the hour delivers a few well-chosen words.

I would just like to say...

I'm going golfing.

Dad, don't forget lily's first flute recital is on Thursday at 3:30.

I would love to be there, but I'm really swamped at wo-- hell, that snuck up on me.

It's okay, grandpa. I don't want you to come.

I stink.

Hey, no. No.

You do not stink.

I don't know why she's so bad.

She has a great teacher.

I was a brilliant flautist -- may have won best new soloist at the lower ventura jazz happening.

[ Chuckles ]

I used to keep my trophy in my locker.

I'd stare at it every time the jealous kids would stuff me in there.

Cameron: Hey, have fun today.

Ooh. Nice face candy.

Huh? The aviators.

You're gonna be the coolest guy on the golf course.

Hey, come here.

I'm dying to tell somebody.

Can I let you in on a little secret?

A secret? Just you and me?

[ Giggles ] Sorry, that had to come out.

Go on. I'm not going golfing.

I'm taking my first flying lessons today.

I always dreamed of being a pilot.

Oh, Jay, that's fantastic, and I -- I totally get it.

I had a crush on the pilot who flew the crop duster back home.

He had big, broad shoulders and a deep, husky voice that, in retrospect, could have been pesticide-related.

Don't tell anyone, especially Gloria.

I want it to be a surprise.

Not a word.

I'm your man. You're wearing a purse.

This is a gentleman's tactical tote.

And I'll have you know, this exact model was carried by a member of seal team 6.

Yes, while his girlfriend tried on dresses.

[ Vacuum whirs ] Knockity-knock!

What the hell are you doing?

Getting salon-quality haircuts at a fraction of the price!

Thanks, flowbee!

[ Vacuum shuts off ]

Ow! Come on, guys.

Have you gotten rid of anything today? Yeah, all that.

That's one sock.

Oh, my goodness.

What in the world were we thinking?

[ Puppet voice ] Hey, gorgeous! Gimme a kiss!

I do not want Luke's dirty sock anywhere near my mouth.

It's seen worse. No.

Oh, no. [ Gasps ]

Come on, guys. Stay focused.

I can't be the only one getting rid of stuff today.

Wait a minute. What is chickie doing in there?

It's broken. But every year when the kids were little he was the star of easter!

I mean, besides Jesus. When you squeeze it, it says, [ high-pitched voice ] "Happy easter!" [ Giggles ]

Now when you squeeze him, he says, "battery acid is leaking inside of me.

Let me die!"



She just took my favorite stick.

You need to control your woman.

That is your mother you're talking about...

So that's not happening.

I love chickie.

I love all of that stuff!

And I have a plan to get it back.

But maybe we'll let the flowbee go.

[ Sighs ] All right.

Manny, as requested, a few of my favorite clown props.

What's wrong, Manny, you have too many friends?

Don't listen to him.

I volunteered to perform at Joe's school fair.

I'm closing the show.

Well, at least you know that going in.

Okay, snakes in a can, endless handkerchief -- it will keep coming out of there if you keep pulling it -- and, of course, the squirting flower.

Wow. Thank you so much.

Before you take these from me, would you like a small glass of water?

Is that a dribble glass?

[ Sighs ]

You're ready.

I think I'll pass on the fake peanut brittle, though.

It's not even fooling preschoolers.

Okay, maybe. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, hello, Gloria.

Thank you for brunch.

It was...


[ Chuckles ] Yes. Goodbye.

Tough room. No, no.

Your bowtie is very funny because it was spinning around, but I just can't stop thinking about this terrible dream that I had last night.

Oh, what was it? It was about Jay.

He was falling from a great height, and you both were by my side, and I was very sad because I knew that I was never, ever going to see him again.

What do you think that that means?

How would I know? I have all the same information you have.

Excuse me, I need to make a phone call.

I don't know if Gloria's dreams can predict the future like mine can, but I do know that if something happened to Jay...

[ Voice breaking ] I couldn't live with myself.

Of course, I wouldn't have to, because Gloria would kill me.

[ Cellphone rings ]

Ay, Jay left his phone again.

[ Cellphone beeps ] Cam.

Why are you calling Jay?

Am I? [ Chuckles nervously ]

I-I thought I was calling the gardener.

I forgot to leave the gate open, so I should probably go let him in.

It'd be cruel to make Caesar climb another big fence.

You know that maneuver where you fly straight up until you stall and then pull out of the dive? Uh-huh.

Can we do that today? Nope.

Don't decide now. We'll talk when we're up.

Cameron: Hey, Jay!

Jay, hey, wait up.

Do you think we can take off before he gets here?

[ Panting ]

I think we can land before he gets here.

[ Chuckles ]

So this is a pre-check, right?

What are we looking for? Nothing.

Just trying to look cool for those girls over there.

Jay, I need to talk to you before you fly.

It's a matter of life and...

Oh, good God.

Hi, um...

Cameron Tucker. Gus.

Hi, Gus. What do you want, cam?

Huh? What do you want?

What? Oh, yes. [ Panting ]

You're not gonna want to get in that plane.

Gloria had a terrible dream where you fell from a great height and died.

All right, Gus. Up, up, and away.

No, Jay, she seemed pretty upset, and if something were to happen -- she's always dreaming about me dying.

Dede did the same thing.

It's typical wife stuff.

Is it? Nothing's gonna happen, cam.

Tell him, Gus. It's perfectly safe.

He's in good hands.

Big hands, too -- I couldn't help but notice.

[ Chuckles ] I'm more worried about dying from boredom in retirement than from a fiery crash.

Now, thanks for your concern.

Take your purse and go.

That's one of those tactical totes, isn't it?

Why, yes.

Yes, it is, Gus.

Anyway, bye, cam.

No, you know what?

I'm not going anywhere, because in Gloria's dream, I was alive.

So if I'm with you, this plane can't go down.

You think you being on this small plane makes it less likely to crash?

Please don't do this to me in front of Gus, okay?


[ Scoffs ]

God, I was really into trolls.

Yeah, especially your junior prom date with the baby teeth.

What do you want?

I need to give clutterworth something to get her off my back.

I never thought I'd say this, but can I borrow some of your clothes?

What about this?

Oh, no, no, no. Put that down.

It's Sanjay's. And you're gonna keep it?

I don't know what I'm gonna do with it yet.


Cut it into a million pieces.

[ Sighs ]

He was my first real boyfriend.

So what? He cheated on you.

You need to get over this guy and move on with your life.

I am so over him.

[ Inhales deeply ]

So why are you sniffing that?

I'm just smelling how stupid he smells.

Oh, my God.

[ Scoffs ]

Okay, fine. You're right.

I need closure.

I saw on instagram he's home for the weekend.


You take his stupid hoodie and his clunky shoes and you go over there and throw them in his dumb face.

Those are my shoes.


[ Flute squeaks ]

Mommy, it sounds like those raccoons are fighting again.

Fine, I'll stop.

Hey, what does he know about art?

You've seen his drawings.

He thinks Jay is shorter than a flower.

I don't know what is happening.

I keep coaching her and coaching her, and she's just getting worse.

You know what? I'll give her a few tips.

My flute of choice has always been the pan, but I suppose I could dumb it down.

This is a nightmare.

Yes. She's terrible.

But the nightmare is seeing your husband plunging to his death and having people think that you did it for the life insurance payout.

That's a new detail.

Gloria, dreams don't predict the future.

They're windows into the subconscious.

Maybe falling from a great height is about my dad retiring.

You think? Yeah, it could be.

He's no longer a big shot in the closet industry, which is apparently a thing.

Maybe you're afraid that the two of you are growing apart.

It's happening already.

Today we could have done all sorts of fun things together and he decided to go golfing!

We could have gone to dance classes, the arboretum, the art gallery!

You're kind of swimming upstream with those.

Look. If -- if you want him to do the things that you love, you may have to learn to do the things that he loves.

Like what?

Golf? Yeah.

Or marry cam.

He loves all that gay stuff you want to do.

Claire, wait, wait, wait, wait!


We got another box of stuff to give away.

Really. Yep! Pop her open.

Okay. You were so right about the flowbee, by the way.

It is great, but I would miss all the gossip at the salon.

[ Laughs ] I'm dying to hear if Natasha's estrogen patch is making a difference.

I saw her Wednesday. It's not.

Hey, you almost done back there?

Just making some room! Phil: You know what?

I am so happy to do this for you.

I love you way more than my beer making kit...

Claire: Oh, honey. [ Chuckles ]

...the wooden tennis racket. Mm-hmm.

I don't know, the cowboy hat.

[ Chuckles ] The brown one.

What is taking so long?

All set! Okay.

I'll see you guys later, and thank you so much for helping out today.

[ British accent ] At your service, lady clutterworth. Kiss on both cheeks.

Oh. Bob's your Uncle.


Keep waving up high.

Wave up high so she can't look down low.

[ Tires screech ]

Son of a... Seriously?

Honey, we don't want to give this stuff away.

We like it.

It's important to us.

How can it be important to you?

You didn't even know it existed until I told you to go through the closet and find it.

That is beside the point!

All of this stuff is packed with meaning!

Really, Phil?

What does this cheap snow globe mean to you?

We got that at a gas station in Florida.

The snowman's melted.

It used to just be funny, but now it's also a poignant statement on global warming.

It's a poignant statement on hoarding, and we are donating it along with the rest of this junk.

Well, I can't believe you two.

You'll thank me when I'm back at work and I don't have time to be picking up after you every two minutes.

[ Scoffs ]

Guess what?

She didn't get my lucky hat.

You should have kept the racket.

Let's just dive in, all right?

I'm ready! Good.

All right, take a swing. Okay.

Let's see what we're dealing with.

I get in front here... Yes, you do.

And then...

One, two, three!


It went so far away.

I am a natural.

No, he is. Your ball is still on the tee.

I am worse than I thought then. No, no, no, no, no. It's fine.

You just need to remember a few of the simple fundamentals that helped me when I was learning, okay? Okay.

Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.

Just line yourself up in front of the ball.

Now what you want to do is keep your right thumb on the left side of the shaft.

This one. Yeah, mm-hmm.

And then keep your head down. Okay.

Okay, and then the left arm straight... Okay.

Cup that left wrist.

There was one time when I put the leg and -- that was not helpful.

But then I feel like I want -- no?

Mm, I don't want you to do that.

Okay. Not today.

And then what you're gonna do is keep the right elbow in front of the body as you swing up, and then rotate those hips.

One, two, three!

Ay! Mama!

Well, we're getting our money's worth out of that ball.

Chickie: [ Echoes ] Happy easter!

Happy easter!


Claire: The minute I heard that voice, all the memories came flooding back -- hiding eggs in the backyard, the girls in their dresses, Luke in his little blazer, Phil in his...Bunny suit.

Chickie: Happy easter!

Hang on! Hang on, chickie!

Mama's coming. Happy easter!

Hang on. I'm coming.

Baby, I didn't mean to throw you away.

Happy easter! Hang on.

I can hear you.

I-I -- oh, I don't hate this blouse.

Happy easter!

This feels very weird.

Well, it looks great.

Now hinge your right arm into an l-shape, keep your hands low, shift all the weight into the front foot...

What do I do next?

Fire your golf coach!

No offense, red.

None taken, bald.


Just do what I do.

What, lose all your hair?

I'm sorry. I guess I was a little offended.

Do you like dancing?

Yes, and I am much better doing that than doing this.

Well, this is just like dancing.

Forget everything he said.

It's all about the rhythm. Follow me. Mm-hmm.

Swing back. Follow through.

Uh-huh. Swing back.

Follow through.

Uh-huh. Swing back.

Hey! [ Screams ]

I did it!

You're fired, red.

Level her off.

Good job.

You hear that? Flawless.

It makes sense this is second nature.

I've logged a lot of remote-control hours.

Gus, what would you say is harder, r/c or the real thing?

The real thing.

Tough call.

[ Rattling ]

What's rattling back there?

Uh, well, I don't --

I don't know what this thing is.

My controls. Roger that.

That tow bar come loose?

Well, I don't know.


Is this -- is this the tow bar? Yeah, that's it.

Oh, ooh! Sorry, my bag. Sorry, sorry. No, no, that's all right. I got it. I got it.

[ Chuckles ]

Peanut brittle, could this day get any better?

[ All scream ]

Get the tow bar off the yoke!

No, it's stuck between the seat!

I can't! Let it go! I got it!

[ Grunts ] Oh, Gus! Gus!

[ Gasps ] I hate it when Gloria's right.

Gus. Stay with us, Gus. Oh, my God. Those cheekbones.

You look like j.F.K. Jr.

[ Gasps ] He looks like j.F.K. Jr.!

I don't know what I'm doing.

Well, put it on autopilot.

Put it on autopilot! There is no autopilot.

This is a lawnmower with wings.

You fly remote control planes!

Do what you do there! I crash them!

That's why I buy them all the time!

Oh-ho-ho. Oh-ho-ho. I was wrong.

I don't want to die this way.

I'll settle for a nice, boring death at ground level.

Well, technically, we will be dying at ground level!

[ Both scream ]

I got it! I got it! I got it!

[ Sighs ]

Aah! [ Exhales deeply ]

Okay. [ Exhales shallowly ]

We're good. Great.

Just so you know I completely kept my cool through that whole thing.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Listen, I know it felt great to hit a couple of lucky shots.

I hit a whole bucket of lucky shots.

But there's a limit to how good you can get without learning the proper techniques.

[ Flute plays "twinkle, twinkle, little star ] I was trying to show you, but -- very good, lily. What did you do?

I just told her to forget everything and feel the music.

Dad, Manny's gonna teach me from now on.

Ay, this is the second time you got fired today, red.

One, two, three.

Look, everybody learns in different ways.

My intellectual approach just wasn't right for Gloria, and it probably wasn't right for lily.

It -- it's humbling to admit, but I'm just too smart to teach.

Be strong. I'm proud of you.


[ Doorbell rings ]

You know, a lot of girls would have tried to look sexy to show him what he's missing.

Is there more to that?

No, just trying to figure you out.


Hello, Sanjay.

Or should we call you "sans-feelings"?

Start over.

[ Scoffs ]

You left this at my house.

I was going to just cut it up in tiny little pieces, but I thought you should have to look into the eyes of the person you hurt.

I hope your new little girlfriend is worth it.

She wasn't. It was a huge mistake.

I'm not used to girls liking me. [ Scoffs ]

Stanford girls are all type "a".

They're very aggressive.

I'm in way over my head.

And that's supposed to make this okay?

No. Nothing's okay.

I'm miserable.

And I miss you every day.

[ Scoffs ] Yeah, right. Aww.

Seriously? Oh, well, he seems sincere.

I am.

If I could go back in time, which the laws of physics don't disallow, I never would have hurt you.

Well, if you believe in the multi-verse, there currently exists a bubble of space-time where you didn't.

I wish we were there.

Oh, my God.

Is this geek foreplay?

'Cause I don't understand any of this.

If you were so unhappy, why didn't you contact me?

I was ashamed and embarrassed.

I came to terms with being alone for the rest of my life.

I'm home for the weekend, and my parents aren't even here.

You're parents aren't home? That, I understand.

I'm home!

Hi, daddy.

There they are.

There's my family.

Come here, you little monkey! Ay, no.

[ Laughs ] How much money did you lose?

I didn't play golf today.

I took a flying lesson.

Hmm? And how was that?


Why didn't you tell me about it?

I wanted it to be a surprise.

Oh, well, then I have a surprise for you, too.

I took a golf lesson.

You're kidding. Why?

To play with you.

That's not gonna happen.

Darlene started playing with shorty.

She never stops talking.

He had to develop a slice just to get some alone time.

So what do you want to do?

Fly alone in your little plane? No.

The whole point is to find something we can do together.

I pictured zipping up to napa for lunch, sedona for a sunset dinner.

You fall asleep after every meal.

I am not getting on a plane with you.

That's not true.

You eat a grilled cheese sandwich and you can barely make it to the couch.

Nothing like a grilled cheese nap.

I don't want you flying around in a little plane, either.

Well, it's kind of my life's dream, but if you want me to stop, I'll do it for you.

I had a bad dream last night.

I think that this retirement thing is making me very scared. Mm.

Join the club.

Just not my country club.

[ Chuckles ]

Everything's gonna be okay.

How do you know that?

I don't.

But we both spent the day trying to do something we thought would make the other one happy and that's a pretty good start.

I guess we just have to find something that we have in common, like a project to do together!

Hello? In a minute. Mommy's thinking.

Where the hell is clutterworth?

On skid row giving our memories to hobos.

She threw out all my old vogues.

If I don't know the past, I'm doomed to re-wear it.

[ Door opens ] Mom, this time -- oh, it's just you.

Hey, party people.

Why are you so happy?

Went over to Sanjay's, got a little closure.

Yeah? Well, some of your clothes are on inside out.

There you are. You threw out all my magazines.

Yeah, and if I hadn't been here, you would have thrown out Sanjay's hoodie and then I would have never gotten the chance to return it, and then he never would have declared his undying love for me.

That's right. I'm back.

And you took my lucky stick.

I love that stick.

I was holding it when I found my favorite rock.

Oh, my God.

Please tell me you didn't throw out rocky.

You're right.

You're all right. I'm a terrible mother.

I'm sorry.

What is happening?

Is it after 5:00 already?

Hey, you're back. Dad, something's wrong.

Mom's apologizing.

No, we checked.

I couldn't save chickie.

And think about all the others I didn't save --

Malibu Barbie, pink bunny pillow, stretch Armstrong.

Wait. You threw away my stretch Armstrong?

Yes. It's gone. They are all gone.

Years of stress cleaning has eradicated a lifetime of precious memories.

Well, what if it hasn't?

Are you suggesting an alternate universe that parallels reality?

I'm suggesting a storage unit that parallels the freeway.

Oh, my God.

It's all our old stuff.

Ah! My first bike!

My van gogh project! My first phone!

Yes, I'll hold for Lizzie mcguire.

So all of those trips to the donation bin...

I didn't always make it. [ Sighs ]

Are you mad? It's amazing.

See? I'm controlling my woman.

Oh, this is totally back in style.

Oh, my God! Twister! Luke: [ Chuckles ]

Me, too.



It's no...

♪♪ you just take that nutty energy of yours and put it to good use at the office, and we'll be waiting for you when you get home.

You know we already claimed all this stuff on our taxes, right?

There's my girl. Yeah.

It wasn't easy, but I got it!

[ Cheers and applause ] Chickie!

Oh, honey.

A little sticky, huh?

Chickie: Happy easter!

Oh! Is that really all it says?

Claire: Yeah. I feel like it used to say more.

[ Both chuckle ]

Chickie: Happy easter! Mom, stop squeezing it.

I'm n-- I'm not. I'm not squeezing it. Chickie: Happy easter!

It's really annoying. [ Chuckles ]

I'm not doing anything. Chickie: Happy easter!

So many good memories, though. Yep.

Yep. Chickie: Happy easter!

Yeah, I-I really cannot sleep with that going on all night.

Happy easter! [ Groans ]

Happy easter! Rocky? What's that for?

You know what it's for.

Chickie: Happy easter!

Happy easter!

Happy easter!

Happy eas-- [ Thumps ]