Modern Family S7E14 Script

The Storm (2016)

Okay, five Newtonian equations down.

Only seven quantum mechanical proofs to go!

We are cooking with C-H-4.

Ohh! [ Laughs ] Cooking with gas.

And they're both single, fellas.

Come on, guys. Can't we just have one day where we respect and support one another?

Hello, family.

[ Chuckles ]

There was an incident this morning at our annual neighborhood block party.

Cam usually provides the entertainment at these things, but he had Lily's birthday party, so Phil volunteered.

Who needs a Fizbo if you can have a Philbo?


I mean, where does it end?

It's so long! It's comically long, when you think about it.

Thing is, Phil's terrified of clowns.

Just thought if I was the clown, I wouldn't be scared.

Like how you can't tickle yourself.

[ Sebastian laughing ]

Sebastian, no!

I got this! Sebastian!

Your mom's worried about you, buddy, even though there's absolutely no reason to be --

[ Gasps, breathing heavily ]

Smell -- oh, God.

[ Labored breathing ]



[ Moaning ] They were everywhere.

I recognize that I embarrassed the family this morning, but I assure you that --

Phil, honey, just come on over here for one second.

Just a sec.

Honey, you are not the first person to put on a clown outfit, walk into a hall of mirrors, and --

I guess what I'm saying is if you think you need to do something to make up for that, don't think that.

-No! -[ Gasps ]

Oh, my God, the computer froze!

-Daddy to the rescue! -Um...

Well, I feel heard.

Yeah, you know what, Dad, I-I think it's okay.

I just need to do a hard reset --

No, I don't think it's a reset issue.

I think the surge protector just blew.

I am going to plug this bad boy directly into the wall and --

[ Thunder crashes, electricity zaps ]

Oh, my God! You fried my computer!

All of our work is gone!

Honey, calm down. These hard drives are designed to withstand temperatures of up --

-Aaaah! -Oh, my God, it's on fire!

Damn it.

What is wrong?

Huh? Nothing.

You know, I totally forgot some of my Navy buddies are meeting downtown later for a little reunion at O'Brien's pub.

Well, nothing special is happening here today, so you have permission to go.

Well, I don't really need your permission.

Why don't you just keep quiet and take yes for an answer?

Ay, there's my handsome, perfect, amazing boy!

Still not going on the class trip.

Why are you being such a dummy? Is this because I --

Mom, I don't want to talk about it.

Why am I the only one in this house that ever wants to talk about things?!

[ Joe crying ]

Ay, papi, what is wrong?

Not now.

[ Crying continues ]

Okay, that's it.

If the men in this house don't start talking to me, I swear to God that I will make life miserable for each and every one of you!

[ Thunder crashes, electricity zapping ]

No, not yet.

Oh, don't tell me the power just went out!

My Sleep Number bed is stuck on the nap setting.

Calm down. This is exactly why I sprung for a new generator.

[ Generator powers on ]

Which, you're welcome, just kicked in.

Now, granted, it doesn't power everything.

I had to make some hard choices.

Hmm. That's it? The bar and the pool table?

The frigerator's black.

Okay, Jay, you're not leaving until you put power in the important things.

I swear to God, don't make me more mad than I already am!

Can't I just do it when I get back?

[ Thunder crashes ]

Would you stop doing that?!

It's Lily's 8th birthday, and we had a little backyard party planned.

Hot dogs, some balloons -- you know, I mean, we really just threw it together.

Kind of like my birthday party last year.

Okay, you told me that you did not want me to do anything --

Anyway, we were all set for a casual kids' party, but then [voice breaking] Lily got an e-mail.

She's coming! She's coming! She's coming! Ashley's coming!

[ Gasps ] Ashley's coming?

Mitchell, Ashley's coming!

Oh, my God! Well, now, wait a minute.

Ashley S. or Ashley W.?

"W"! [ Gasps ]

ALL: Ashley W.'s coming!

Ashley is the most popular girl in Lily's class.

I mean, you invite her... Yeah.

...but you never think she's gonna accept.

No. Something must have fallen through, or --

The point is, she decides who's in and who's out.

So we had to up our game.

Which was a fun challenge.

Yeah, considering it had been a while since we'd thrown any sort of fabulous birthday party.

You begged me not to make a fuss. You said --

Oh, because that sounds like me, yeah.

All right. Once Sophie boards the bus, we will be on our way to the Princess Park, where we will all pick out our princess costumes!

[ Girls chatting ]

I think Ashley's having a really good time.

Yeah? How can you tell?

She's still here.

[ Thunder crashes, girls scream ]


Oh, no! Is it raining?

Not to worry, sweetie. We have parasols.

[ Wind gusts ] Oh!


It worked!

Good. I powered up all your essentials.

Now I'm gonna go meet my buddies.

I see my espresso machine didn't make the cut, but I'll manage.

One of the guys I'm meeting was lost at sea once.

Had to eat a jellyfish.

I'll speak to him of your courage.

So, power's out. Had to come over real quick.

Phil got dressed up as a clown and then had a panic attack in a hall of mirrors, so he's gonna be looking to overcompensate for a lot, so please don't indulge in any of his --

-Hey, Jay. -Right here.

I remembered you had a generator.

I'm just gonna upload a few quick files for Alex.

Don't ask.

I never do.

I can't open the jar.

Well, lucky for you your uncle -- brother-in-law Phil is here.

And with one mighty twi--

We should be...

Bloop! Bloop!

...good to go.

Oh! -Dad!

-No! -No, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no!

Dad, stop helping! Ugh!

Hey, monster.

Hey, you.

Andy I started out pretty hot and heavy, but, uh, the last few weeks I've just been super busy, so I guess he's feeling neglected, and he's acting a little cold.

I mean, a chuck on the arm?

What are we, Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer?

[ Chuckles ]

Those are people, right?

[ Water trickling ]

[ Gasps ]

Ay, there's a puddle!

Stella or Joe.

I'll see you in a couple of hours.

No, no, no, no! Look, it's a leak, because it's coming through the wall.

Most likely your gutters backed up.

Consider it handled.

Please don't ask me. Please don't ask me.

Luke! To the gutters!

[ Sighs ]

[ Girls chattering ]

Okay, princesses, your castle awaits!

What gives?

The roads were starting to flood, so we were hoping to ride out the storm here.

Yeah, sure.

Also, Dad, we're hoping to keep the princess theme alive, so if you could pretend to be a --

Interested? No.

-[ Sighs ] -Okay.

Ladies, it's costume time! We have...

GIRL: Costumes!

...Belle, we have Elsa, we have Ariel!


Ew, costumes.

What are we, 5?


Uh, okay, so, that's happening.

Hey, Ashley hates the costumes.

You got to think of something else!

What do we do? Well, I don't know.

Our friends are basically 8-year-old girls.

What would they want to do?

BOTH: Dance party!

Yeah? Yeah? Okay. Okay, girls.

Uh, let's get some music started here, huh?

Oh. Oh, God, Cam, there's no power.

There's Cam power.


What is that?

Well, had I listened to you and we not donated to NPR, we wouldn't have gotten this free emergency radio that we then re-gifted to Jay and Gloria.

I wouldn't call $19 a month free, but okay.

All right, let's get a little funk in here, ladies!

[ Groans ]

She's a brick Oooh!


[ Radio powers down, dies ] Okay.

[ Cranking ] Little more funky energy in this thing!

Got to warm up, you know?

Got to get it warmed up!

She's mighty, mighty, just le--

[ Radio powers down, dies ]

I don't know what's wrong with me.

This is my butter-churning arm.

[ Grunts ]

Third drawer from the left.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Thank you. What's with the robe?

I had to go outside and cover my drought-resistant garden.

Timing, right?

Well, anyway, there's no power in my room, and I wasn't gonna get dressed in the dark, so...

Ohh! Oh, no!

How crazy is your dad, huh?!

Braving the elements!

Keeping the family dry! That is fur!

[ Banging ]

What's the plan, Luke?

There are no bad ideas, but waving a metal shovel around in an electrical storm could have a downside, so let's put it back in the garage, huh?

[ Thunder crashes ]

Whoa, that was close!

[ Clatter ]

Oh, my God! Not again!

[ Girls chattering ]

Oh, honey, you're gonna be fine.

I can't believe you let him get struck again!


Don't worry about it, champ.

I don't even think it hit him.

Last time he smelled like aluminum.

Last time?!

Honey, your father and I are trying to talk.

Okay, everyone.

Don't feel like you have to wait for me to get back.


The leak is growing!

I was just on my way back out.

-I'll do it. -But --


[ Door closes ]

That's a silly excuse not to go to your school trip.

Mom, I've made my decision.

Oh. Hey.


What's going on here?

I could cut the tension with my machete.

It's so...nothing.

I mean [scoffs] Manny got his robe caught in the refrigerator door, and I may have accidentally seen... him.

Oh, you saw.


Manny, it's over. What happened happened.

It's done. Okay?

Okay, good, because I have a problem and I need your help, Claire.

Yes. You got it. What is it?

Well, Manny doesn't want to go to his school trip because there is a rumor that the kids want to go skinny-dipping, and he's self-conscious about his body.

I'm gonna pretend I don't understand why you're including me in this conversation.

I'm just saying --

You could tell him since you already peeped.

I didn't peep.

Tell him that he has a beautiful body so at least something good comes out of the peeping.

Please stop saying that.

When I see Luke naked, I am going to tell him, "Luke, you have a beautiful body."


Maybe she doesn't think I have a beautiful body.

Ohh. iAy, dios mío! Claire, is this true?

No! Okay, I can't do this.

I'm -- I'm just gonna go ahead and walk away now.

But if a bolt of lightning should strike this house, you can send it my way.

Oh! Oh!

[ Girls chattering ] [ Sighs ] Okay.

What -- they didn't like the peanut-butter sandwiches?

No. No one would touch them after Ashley said, [As Ashley] "Crunchy?"

Sh! What are you, crazy? She's right there.

Ugh! This is ridiculous.

Are we really gonna let an 8-year-old dictate this party?

You know how peer pressure is.

I had an Ashley when I was Lily's age.

She blackballed me from the cafeteria table, and then no one would sit with me.

I had to eat outside with the class rooster.

And then one day --

Okay, if this ends in another case of you almost eating one of your animal friends, I can't.

But -- okay. This is -- this is what I'm gonna do.

If we get Ashley on board, everything else will just fall into place.

I convince juries that guilty people are innocent.

I can certainly convince Ashley that our party ideas are dope.

[ Mouth full ] Yeah, but don't say dope.

I won't say dope.

Ugh. Hey, Ash. [ Chuckles ]

So, listen.


Oh, gosh. Oh, good call.

Um, I'm thinking about kicking this party up a notch, more grown-up activi--

Uh, i-i-it's still...

Yeah. Yes, it is. My word.

Kind of a tweener on sizes.

And we always tend to go smaller, don't we?

I mean, human nature, am I right?

Anyway, um, a lot of high-school girls are really just falling in love with Pictionary, and I sort of -- um, uh... Oh, gosh.

Cam bought me this shirt, and I... can't believe I just tried to blame Cam.

Mitchell, take responsibility -- You eat bread, you billow.

Anyway... [ Cellphone rings ]

...your shirt is really nice, and I --

-Hey. -Yeah. Take the call.


[ Voice cracking ] Bye, Ash.

[ Gasps ] Hey, sexy!

What's all this?

Oh, just a little something special for you and I.

I would put those away.

Joe goes crazy if you play with his blocks.

Maybe it's time for us to get a little crazy.

Come here.

I was afraid of this.

This is why I was trying to slow things down with Haley.

Women are always drawn to me physically in a very intense way.

Which often fizzles out before we have a chance to connect emotionally.



There are so many things about you that I just don't know.

I feel, in the Book of Haley, I'm only in chapter one.

Turn the page for me, girl.


Would it help you to open up if I were to brush your hair?

You mean in a hot way?

I got us some wine.

You know what would be better?

Two cups of soothing green tea to warm our emotional availability.

Ooh, the places we will go. I'll be right back.

HALEY: I hope this doesn't sound conceited, but everyone wants me.

I just knew there had to be a rational reason Andy was rejecting me.

Beth's Coast Guard uniform.

I can't believe he's not over her.

She's a size six!

Hey! Who moved my blocks?!

Okay, so, Vi equals 367 meters per second, and D equals .00214, so th--

Alex, did you know I was struck by lightning?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not right now. Maisie, continue.

Uh...I lost it.

[ Groans ]

So...can we talk about my thing now?

Okay, look, you're really hot, and under the right circumstances, I could see myself making out with you, but --


But we're trying to re-create all the work that we lost on the computer this morning, so...

Also, every time you open your mouth, you let out a cloud of stupid over the entire room.

Wow. [ Scoffs ]

I don't want to be in here with you losers anyway.

And another thing -- can we circle back to what Maisie just said?

Get out!

-Hey. Back already? -Never left.

And now the pool's a centimeter from overflowing right in the house.

I got to pump the pool.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Jay, I want you in that bar, and I need to feel like a man.

Let me pump your pool.

All right. One hose in the pool, the other one --

Jay, shh. It's me.

You're right. I'll do it.

No, no, no, no, no. I got it. I got it.

Gloria, I'll be back in a couple hours!

What the -- Son of a bitch! Who left the door open?!

Stella! Stella!

She probably got outside.

Who the hell left the door open?!

Not me!


Oh, God.

What have I done?

JAY: Stella! Stella?

All set, here, Jay! Working like a charm!

Admit it!

You didn't think I could actually -- Aaah!

Aaah! [ Grunts ]

Oh, no, no, no. What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Wha-- well, Phil had this in his trunk... [ Sighs ]

...and I didn't have faith in your "talk to Ashley" plan, so --

So you decided to go with Bleeding Clown?

Well, how did your talk with Ashley go?

It -- Is your shirt stapled?

Yea-- Don't worry about it.

Okay, I will not have our daughter eat lunch with a rooster for the next year.

We have a fully-licensed clown right here.

And I defy any child to not be delighted by that!

A clown.

You don't like clowns?


You know what?

Shut up, Ashley!

[ All gasp ]

GLORIA: Jay! Jay.

The water is coming inside the house from the pool!

Of course it is.

Because Phil was supposed to pump it out!

Actually, there's an emergency valve.

PHIL: At the north end of the pool. I know that valve.

I'm gonna open that valve.

Haven't you done enough already?

Please! I need this!

And who else would dare to jump in that pool right now anyway?


I'm not sure about the rest of you, but I'm going swimming, in the rain, in my clothes!

TOGETHER: Pool party!

I am not gonna --

Can I come?


Do whatever you want, Ashley.


Is she following? Don't look back.

[ Girls laughing, squealing ]

Everybody stand back!

I opened the valve!

[ Girls chant "Lily!" ]

I'm happy for her.

[ Chanting continues ]

Your husband's outside half naked.

There's still time to go downstairs and body shame him if you like.

Okay. Let's you and me get this over with.


[ Door slams ]

Okay, you're really putting on mixed signals here.

Please stop talking. Okay.

Of course you're insecure about your body.

You're a teenager.

It's part of the job description.

But if this whole skinny-dipping thing ever even happens, you have nothing to worry about.

-Easy for you to -- -You're still talking.

You have nothing to worry about because nobody's going to be looking at you, because all those other kids are gonna be too preoccupied with their own insecurities.

But i-if they do?

[ Inhales sharply, sighs ]

You'll be fine.

You're the most confident kid I have ever met, and that is always sexy.

Thanks, Claire.


And if this helps you in any way, I've always found you sexy, too.


Oh, God.

[ Straining ]

Stop pouting!

That's so not you.

Who cares that you dressed up as a clown, then scared yourself in many mirrors?

Actually, what's even more embarrassing is that I thought if I ran into that fun house and grabbed that kid, everyone would look at me like the hero I always wanted to be.

Correction. What's most embarrassing is everything I've done since then to try to make up for the first thing.

What are you talking about? "Hero"?

You're so much more than that.

You have flaws.

You fall down a lot.

You frighten yourself.

You cannot even open a jar. You cry all the time.

I'm really ready for this to build into a compliment.

The point is that you are comfortable with yourself, and you make people around you feel comfortable.

They feel that they can talk to you.

That's your superpower!

Pool's drained, leaks are fixed, generator's running, and I'm meeting my buddies.

Why, Jay? Why you have to go out?

It's a hurricane outside!

I just do.

[ Lid rattles ]

I think you probably loosened it with the --


Here's your precious uniform!

That's Beth's.

Oh, so you admit you're still in love with her!



Just saying "Hey." Hurts, doesn't it?



Stop! What are you doing?

You won't kiss me. You won't even touch me.

And then I find Beth's uniform?

So you tell me, okay?

What do you do with it anyway?

You -- you -- you sniff it, you snuggle it, you put it on a coat rack and dance with it?!

I'm sending Beth's things back to her, and I got her uniform pressed because I love my country.

So, y-you and Beth, you --

There is no Beth. There's only you.

I'm just trying to slow us down a little.

We kind of started this whole thing off in the middle.

I just want us to catch up emotionally to where we are physically so we don't burn out.

We're not going to burn out.

I liked you way before we ever hooked up.

I just want our relationship to be as good as our affair.

I mean, we never even had a romantic first date.

[ Chuckles ] I know.

Maybe we should wait for the perfect moment so we can start our relationship right.

Something special and magical, like in the movies.

[ Laughing ] What do you want me to do, chase you through an airport?

I think we got it.

Oh, yeah. [ Chuckles ]

Come on!

A damn tree's blocking the street.

I need my chainsaw.

Jay, I know you didn't ask my advice --

I'm glad you noticed that. I've been stuck here all day.

Now, I'm going to that bar!

The last thing I need's another delay.

Where the hell's the chainsaw?!

It's right there.

[ Thunder crashes ]

[ Sighs ]

I'm not gonna get there, am I?

We don't have to talk about it.

Old Navy buddy of mine, Big Jake, died today.

Guys in my unit have a tradition whereas, when one of us goes, the rest of us, no matter where we are, find the nearest Irish pub, and at 7:00, silently toast the fallen.

Started with 10 guys.

Four of us left.

Probably should have told Gloria about it, but I don't know.


We all went through some rough stuff together...

Hard to talk about.

[ Sighs ]

[ Cup clinks ]



[ Cup clinks ]

[ Cups clink ]

Why can't we remember this last piece?

We just had it this morning.

Hey, guys. I know you're busy, but do you think being hit by lightning can make people smarter?

Get out of here.


What --

Yeah. It's probably just a myth.

There's so much crazy stuff written on the Internet these days.

Turns out, when they figured it out the first time, the formula was in the background of a selfie I took.

[ Chuckles ]

Anyway, if you don't think lightning can do that, it must not be true.

After all, you are the smartest people I know.

[ Marker thuds ]

[ Thunder crashes ]