Modern Family S7E15 Script

I Don't Know How She Does It (2016)


[ Light switch clicking ]

[ Flashlight clicks ] My super-awesome family was throwing me a surprise early birthday party.

I'm guess I'm the only one at home.

Haley: How could you do this?! Alex: Dad!

Luke: You were supposed to be my hero!

You let me down!

Or I forgot to meet the electrician today to fix our faulty junction box.

[ Flashlight clicks ]

Guys, I'm not gonna make excuses.

I've been really busy at work.

Well, I was halfway through straightening my hair.

And I was in the middle of doing three weeks' worth of laundry.

And I was actually writing a term paper right when the lights went out, and...what?

This isn't soda.

Okay, before you guys say anything, I only put this on because I didn't have anything --

[ Laughing ]


Well, the problem obviously self-corrected, which I knew it would.

Well, I fixed it.

Yeah, mom called a guy.

Oh, Claire, I'm so sorry. I got busy at work, and --

Oh, honey, don't even worry about it.

Mwah. I'm just glad the fridge is up and running.

I pre-packed all the lunches for tomorrow.

I didn't want the Brie on the sandwiches to get runny.


Don't tell me any more.

I live for the surprise.

Hey, Mom, I know you're really busy at work, but --

Sweetheart, I would never use that as an excuse.

What do you need?

The cupcakes for the bake sale. Okay.

Oh, and since we got stuck here, I couldn't go out and get that birthday present for my roommate.

Or my dress from the dry cleaners.

Done, done, and done.

[ Chuckles ]

We have the best mom ever. Hugs!

Okay. Aww.

Wait, wait, guys. Guys, Dad's here. Oh.

Dad, take a photo of us hugging Mom. [ Gasps ]

Phil: Until now, when I'd screw up on the home front, I could always blame work, but with Claire running a company and being a better mom than ever, I could feel the kids downgrading their whole opinion of me.

I went from an "A" dad to an "F" dad.

Fail Dunphy. Phil Dun-fail.

Failip Hum-fail Dun-- No, I had it before.

Say "Brie."

All: Brie!

[ Camera shutter clicks ] Hey, you know what?

I could do some of that kid stuff tomorrow.

You've got that open house.

Honey, I've been juggling work and family for 22 years and just juggling for 30.

Well, I really need that dress for an event, so --

I got it.

Agenda for tomorrow -- One dress, one set of cupcakes, one present, and that's it.

I got ya! You thought I forgot.

I will be here to meet the alarm company at precisely 3:40...

[ Alarm blaring ]

...earlier today. Oh.

-- Captions by VITAC --


[ Airplane noises blaring ] You didn't make enough noise last night?

With all his crying, I didn't sleep four hours.

I didn't close my eyes.

It was like being back in my village, watching for the marauders.

I don't know what's more shocking --

You standing watch, or knowing the word "marauders."

Please tell me I didn't sob all night just 'cause I lost my baby blanket.

Shh! Don't remind him. He's happy now.

And besides, you didn't even have a blanket.

We were basically destitute.

What, did you get hit by lightning?

Thank God that Joe has a playdate.

Vicky's picking us up.

I'm gonna make him play so hard that he's gonna pass out tonight.

Well, I've got a playdate with Johnnie Walker, so one of us is passing out tonight.

[ Stella whines ]

Yeah, I know we're out of dog food.

I'll pick some up after golf.

She could lose a couple of pounds, anyways.

Thank God you don't have a daughter.

[ Airplane noises blaring ]

The minute that kid falls asleep, that plane goes Amelia Earhart.

Doesn't this seem a little chintzy?

Yeah, can we go now?

No, we haven't said hello to the grooms --

Or the talented people who planned this wedding.

Another great Pepper Saltzman production, guys.

Oh, please. What's tackier than a Friday lunch wedding?

Table five needs more...ketchup.

I have to hide my face with a coat every time the videographer comes around.

In the old days, he'd never taken a cheap job like this, but the gay-wedding business is drying up.

We do the bargain ones as Sherman Saltzman Events, and I haven't been Sherman since I got on that bus in Lubbock 35 years ago.

We've only booked two others in months --

Adam and Michael last weekend and Felix and Jordan next Monday.

Ugh. Monday.

Oh, away, you vulture.

Cam, do you think it's a little weird --

That we weren't invited to Adam and Michael's or Felix and Jordan's? Yes. Totally weird.

Okay, sweetie, here's the kids table.

Where is our table? There are no more tables.

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God.

That's us. Number 65.

Where are our friends?

Not here.

Are we on some sort of gay blacklist?

I'm not sitting there. You're sitting there.

[ Telephone rings ]


Phil: [ Over telephone ] Hey, honey.

Oh, cupcakes, present, dress.

I remember. I'm gonna get on that just as soon as I'm done with my open house.

I just wanted to clarify, where am I getting the present?

Uh, hang on, Phil.

I'm in the middle of something.

Um, uh, just one second.

I'm -- it's at the Best Buy. Ask for S-Sean -- Stan.

It's under "Dunphy."

Thanks, honey.

I don't know how you do it all.

Love you.

That's a "T"?

They say it takes a village to raise a family and run a company.

Turns out, it just takes one little suck-up from marketing named Ben.

Oh, Claire, I don't know if you heard.

They moved the Kramer meeting back to 5:00.

No. Yeah.

No, I-I have to make a lasagna for Luke's team dinner, but I can't miss that meeting. Oh.

You know, I know my way around a kitchen.

My mom's an alcoholic.

So I could easily knock out a lasagna for you.

Ben, you are a lifesaver.

Wow. I promise I will not make a habit of it.

I kind of made a habit of it.

Calm down.

We only cut two classes, and I'll send an excuse e-mail from your mom's computer.

I can't believe I agreed to ditch with you just 'cause you gave me half your Brie sandwich.

Although that party-crashing apple slice turned out to be a welcome plus-one.

So we can make it official now.

I have three gay uncles.

[ Door closes ]

Yeah, I'm -- I'm sorry, Miles.

No, apologize to the guys.

It's just, I'm too tired to play golf.

Damn it! The dog food!


Stella, this is your lucky day.

Gloria makes this Colombian dish I loved when we were first dating.

I lied about a lot of things back then.

What the hell are you doing?!

[ Fork clinks ]

That takes me three days!

Three days to prepare!

And then you say that you love it, and you feed it to the dog?

What else have you been lying about, Jay Kennedy Pritchett?

[ Sniffs, gasps ]

No Daddy kisses till Sunday after she eats this.

[ Whispering ] Sorry, Vicky.

We have to cancel the playdate.

Joe fell asleep in the car, and I don't want to wake him up.


[ Normal voice ] Thank God that Jay was out playing golf.

The last time that I left Joe sleeping in the car...

Honey, where's Joe?

Sleeping in the car.

Are you crazy?!

You don't leave a kid in the car!

Why don't you just put a sign on him saying "free coyote food"?!

I have never seen anyone so mad.

Even the marauders, you could have a conversation with.

[ Keyboard clacking ] "Family emergency.

Blah, blah, blah. Gloria Pritchett."

And send.

I hate that I have to ask this, but you didn't type "Blah, blah, blah," did you?

[ Scoffs ] You need to chill... like my girlfriend here.

[ Woman moaning on laptop ]

Nah, I can't enjoy that.

I just keep thinking about that girl's father.

Could you please just get that off my mom's computer?

Okay. That was your reward for ditching, but if you don't want to...

[ Computer beeps ] Uh-oh.

What "uh-oh"?

[ Beeps ] Uh, it's frozen.


[ Keyboard clacking ] Oh, my God.

It froze on that?

Hey. "That" has a name.

Here, Stella. Come and get it, girl.

Gloria: Jay, is that you?


[ Whispering ] Damn it.

[ Whispering ] Damn it.

Damn it! Damn it!

I didn't hear you come in. That's good.

Uh -- Oh, how come you're home so early?

Too tired for golf.

Ah. Where's Joe?

Upstairs. Ah.

I finally got him to sleep.

[ Stella whining ]

[ Gasps ] She wants to get out.

I'll take her. No, no, no. You stay here.

I'll do it. No, you can't.

I mean, w-we rarely get times like this anymore.

Joe's sleeping, Manny is at school.

Why don't we go upstairs and --

Take a nap.


My mom got picked up by a friend.

We can take her car to the computer store and be back before she gets home.

Wow. She left the windows down and the lights on.

Sometimes, she is so oblivious.

[ Sighs ]

All I had to do was wait for Jay to fall asleep.


She'd be snoring in minutes. Piece of cake.

[ Both snoring ]

We are so far away from everything.

During the last toast, I saw them clink the glasses before the sound actually reached us.

[ Scoffs ] Snubbed at this wedding, not invited to two others -- what could you have possibly done?

[ Dishes rattling, toilet flushes ] Um...

Sorry. I said I would switch with you at dessert. [ Sighs ]

Oh, Pepper. Pepper.

Do you have any idea why -- Oh, sorry.

I'm in a mad rush to the mashed-potato bar to restock something called...fixin's.

[ Voice breaking ] If you ever felt anything for me, you'll push me out a window.

[ Sighs ] You know, Mitchell, m-maybe it's --

Shh! Shh, shh, shh!

Look. I can't have this fight again.

I saw you ogling him.

Hey, as far as I'm concerned, we never have to have this fight again.

Mitchell, stop it.

Hmm? What? Huh? Hmm? Eavesdropping?

Trolling for business?

You've been doing it ever since you started handling gay divorce.

It's kind of ghoulish.

Ghoulish? Yes.

I'll bet that's why nobody wants us around.

That's it. You're like the Angel of Death of gay marriage.

You're like a cat at an old-folks' home who curls up next to somebody about to die. [ Scoffs ]

They're judging me?

Felix and Jordan sell fur.

Sorry. We couldn't help overhearing you overhearing us.

Some friends of ours are breaking up, and they need a good divorce lawyer.

Do you have a card? Oh.

We couldn't help overhearing you talking about you overhearing you overhearing you.

Are you really doing gay divorces now? We had no idea.

I was just overhearing you guys overhearing --

Good Lord, it's like a game of princess telephone.

Here is my card, and just to be clear, none of you knew I was doing gay divorces?

[ All saying "No." ] Oh, interesting.

That's very interesting. Have a good time at the wedding.

Bye, Jotham. Thank you so much.

Well, how about this ghoulish profession that no one seems to have a problem with except for you?

Look, I'm sorry, but you've always been a little cynical, and I was worried you seeing all these marriages collapse would push you further in that direction.

No, no, it's the opposite.

Being around all these unhappy couples makes me even more grateful for what we have.

Aww. That's so sweet.

Are [Sniffles] -- are you sure that's not the cash bar talking?

Of course not.

You're the best thing that has ever happened to me.


[ Voice breaking ] And you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Oh, Cam. [ Sniffles ]

[ Crying ] Maybe this is why nobody wants us around is because we cause an emotional scene everywhere we go.

[ Crying ] I'm sorry.

[ Crying ] I'll never be the son he wants.

[ Crying ] What's to become of us?

[ Sobs ]

Well, now I'm stumped.

Yep. That refrigerates stuff.

All of them do.

But you know the saying --

All good open houses must come to an end by 2:00 on the dot.

Oh, but my mom's still on her way. Ah.

She's giving us our down payment.

You knew the rules when you married a drummer.

[ Makes rimshot noise ]

[ Laughter ]

Are we keeping you from something?

Not one "beat."

I have an idea.

Why don't we greet your mom with the smell of fresh-baked cupcakes?

The ingredients are in here.

Will, grab a whisk.

I'll be back before you two are frosting.

Phil: I'm on my way to pick it up, Stan.

I'll be there in like 5... [ Tires screech ] 45 minutes.

Okay. Cupcakes.

Pres-- Oh, no. No.

Damn it.

The cupcakes burned.

Oh. Well, it still smells homey.

[ Smoke alarm beeping ] And it gives Mom a chance to see how well this state-of-the-art smoke alarm works!

Come with me, Mom!

Let me show you around the rest of this dream house!

You see, even ironing is a delight here, where you can feel a cool breeze wafting in from the open sliders.

Mother nature!

Huzzah! Your own gift-wrapping room, just like the rich and famous.

Sheila, finger.

Go right ahead. There we go.

Sorry I'm late, guys, but fear not.

One birthday present.

Wrapped in baby-shower paper.

One crisply pressed dress.

With one big pleat it didn't used to have.


At least we know why you were late.

Looks like you rescued those cupcakes from a burning bakery.

Don't worry. Mom made those on the off chance what everyone knew was gonna happen happened.

She also bought me that new dress.

Oh, and I hope you kept the receipt, because Mom bought a backup.

Well, don't be mad at your mom for underestimating me.

Oh, how could we, when she made us this fresh hand-churned ice cream?

Yeah. What?

Oh, you know what we should do?

We should send her a picture of us eating it.

I guess it's a good thing I came home when I did.

It'd be better if I did it.

Yeah. Come on.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

You churned ice cream?

Yeah. Did the kids like it?

They loved it. Great.

But they know I can't make ice cream.

I bought that churn out of a SkyMall catalog after three Bloody Marys.

It's been sitting under a tarp in my garage for six years.

You've got to dial it way back.

Where is this fear and anger coming from?

You're gonna get us caught!

You knew the risks when we started this.

I'm just saying we're getting a little bit sloppy. Mm-hmm.

All the impossible errands, the fancy sandwiches. Mm-hmm.

Just slap a little tuna on whole wheat for the next couple of days. What? N--

Just until things cool off.

[ Sighs ] All right?

I was just trying to make you happy.

You're not gonna stop me, are you?

Coffee cart's only in the lobby until 4:00.

Thank you, Claire.

Thank you.

[ Sighs ] This is mortifying.

Whoever we ask to fix this is gonna see what we're watching and think we're pervs.

Not that guy.

Marianne: Luke?!

[ Chuckles ]

Oh! Hi, Marianne. [ Chuckles nervously ]

Oh, wow! You're so grown-up now.

Yeah. Uh, this is Manny. Hi.

Marianne used to be our babysitter.

Remember when you asked me to marry you?

"I wuv you, Marianne." [ Both laugh ]

Well, nice to meet you. We should get going.

Okay. Bye, guys. Best to your family, okay?


I'd like to see the look on Mawianne's face if she knew what a degenerate you turned into.


I'm here, Kyle.

Oh! [ Laughs ] Hello again.

How can I help?

What are we gonna do? Mom's gonna be home any minute.

"Hola, papi. Have you seen my computer?"

"Oh, sure, Mom. It's over there, where that naked girl's entertaining her school's basketball team."

I'm face-timing Alex. She'll know what to do.

What's up, Luke?

Computer glitch. The screen's frozen.

Let me see. I'd rather not.

So porn.

Well, I just have to finish this paper.

I'll call you in an hour.

Oh, hey there, cutie pie.

Thank you, Alex, but could you please hurry and call us back? I was talk--

[ Beeping ] [ Sighs ]

She knows I'm forbidden fruit.

I'm sure that's half the appeal.

[ Door slams ]

Gloria: Jay!


How long since you have been up?

Oh, about a minute before you.

Oh, can you do me a favor?

Can you go and look at the laundry?

I think it's done.

Sure, but, honey, I think I slept kind of weird.

Could you run back upstairs and get me my heating pad?

[ Stella whining ]

Why is Stella going crazy there?

Stella, get out of here! [ Door opens ]

Oh. Hi, there. How's everybody doing?

What's up with Stella?

Where have you two been?

[ Laptop thuds ] Is that my computer?!

Don't open that! Don't open that!

[ Airplane noises blaring ]

Is that Joe's plane? Don't open that!

A lot of unanswered questions here, it seems like.

Why don't we all just...take a step back?

Nice and easy.

Okay, so... now I am going to go and take a little walk.

Luke and I have some homework to do upstairs.

And I'm going... to the little boy's room.

[ Doorknob rattles ]

They have taken pictures at every table but ours.

Because their photographer isn't Diane Arbus.

Who else would want a record of this fever dream?

Oh! Are you gonna finish this?

They didn't budget a staff meal.

It's our own fault we're poor.

When we had money, we spent it all on drunken sailors.

You mean "like drunken sailors"?


Pepper, before you run off again, why is almost everyone here treating us like pariahs?

Well, you didn't help yourselves by the cold way you declined those last two wedding invitations.

We didn't get those invitations.

I got the RSVPs myself to Adam and Michael and Felix and Jordan.

Just a big "X" in the "will not attend" box.

No excuse, no gift.

Of course you put people off. It's just not classy.

[ Silverware clatters ]

[ Spits ]

How old are these pudding cups?!

Come, cariño.

There's a vending machine in the lobby.

If I lie down next to it, will you push it over on me?

How could we RSVP to wedding invitations that we never got?

Man: Okay, party people, on your feet.

You guys cool if I take off?

No. Sweetie, what's been going on with you?

You've wanted to leave since we got here.

[ Snapping fingers ] Hey, y'all coming?

Might as well.

Come on, Lily. Let's go dance.

No! No dancing. It's too embarrassing.

No. You're a good dancer, sweetie.

Not me. You two. What?

You don't like our dancing? Why?


[ Disco music playing ]

[ Laughter ]

You're not good. That's why I hate weddings.

Wait, Lily, did you RSVP to some weddings and not tell us?

Yes. Punish me, ground me. I just can't watch it again.

Oh, you're gonna be punished.

Mitchell, wait. I know how she feels.

Did we really embarrass you that bad?

Well, yeah. I mean, I still love you, but...

Why are your shoulders moving?

Well, we always knew there would be something you didn't like about us.

We're just glad that it's something we're so good at.

[ Mid-tempo music playing ]

If anybody asks, I'm with you.

[ All cheering ]

Yes, Gavin, I got everything you asked for, and I'm on my way.

All these errands I have to do for my boss.

I swear, if it wasn't for me, he'd never get anything.

Haley, please. I'm trying to figure out how your mom's getting all these things done by yourself.

When Haley finally gave me a chance to hear myself think, it hit me.

Could Claire be using an assistant?

I decided to retrace every errand she allegedly ran today and time it out.

She was in meetings from 9:00 A.M. to 1:30, leaving her a 90-minute window to buy Haley's dress, see Stan at Best Buy for Alex's present, then speed home, where she could start baking the cupcakes, drag the churn in from the garage, churn, wrap, and frost, leaving her a scant eight minutes at school pick-up time to race back for her 3:00 staff meeting.

Even if all 14 traffic lights on her route were green, this task would be...


I don't know who made that ice cream, but Daddy was about to churn up a frosty bowl of "Mom's a big fake."

Ben, what are you still doing here?

I'm just making sandwiches for the kids.

Don't worry. They'll never know.

I'm using store-brand Gouda and this domestic mustard.

No, you don't understand.

My husband could be home any minute.

You've got to leave.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

What is this?

"Thanks for the advice, Mom. It worked great."

Nice. What advice?

Oh, well, you left your phone on your desk, and Alex texted when you were in that staff meeting.

She seemed really upset, so I took care of it.

It was, like, boy stuff, whatever.

Ben, we got to stop doing this.

No, it's fine. I just said what you would have said.

But I didn't say anything.

I-I wasn't there for my daughter at all.

I-I'm so damn busy trying to be the perfect mom and -- and the perfect boss, but I'm outsourcing the one job that means the most to me, and I really miss it.

I miss being a mom.

Even if I'm a so-so mom that barely has time to make a soggy tuna-fish sandwich, I...

[ Sighs ] Okay.

Then you should get back to that. Yeah.

And I should get back to the office.

Oh, no. Ben, you don't have to do that.

It's so late.

No, I do. [ Sighs ]

My mom's got a "date" with her new boyfriend, so I'm gonna crash in the showroom.

[ Sighs ]

[ Exhales ]

[ Drawer opens, closes ]

Thank you.

So, before you open this, I just want to say this is not the kind of thing I'm usually in to.

Let's not.

It's all him, by the way.

No kidding.

[ Sighs ] Oh, don't show it to me!


[ Exhales ]

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.


Oh, God. Please, tell me it worked.

[ Sighs ] It worked.

Just so you know, women are not all vacuous nymphomaniacs looking to seduce every man that crosses their path.

Bye, you dirty little boy!

Kind of a mixed message, right?

I'll talk to her.