Modern Family S7E18 Script

The Party (2016)

(gasps) there is my favorite girl!

I'm so excited about our spa weekend!

Oh, me too.

If you think of it while you're there, I'm dangerously low on sunscreen powder.


You know, you won't be smirking 10 years from now When your face looks like an old apple.

I just got my first perk as c.E.O. Of pritchett's closets.

I finished a big job for a spa, And as a thank-you, they sent me a free weekend for two.

Phil's too ticklish for massages, though.

But I am not!

I heard it's the place where all the stars go To get hot mud poured into their faces.

I just can't wait to see this one without makeup. (chuckles)

You do, it will be the last thing that you will ever see.


I remember my first big perk for a job well-done.

I had upgraded some closets for guy who created "alf." hmm.

And six weeks later, I'm watching the show.

There's alf sassing this handsome mailman Named jay pritchett.

I still got it on betamax.

I remember. You showed it to me on our first date.

(cameron clears throat)

Hey. Hey.

Jay, you ready to watch the, uh, fight together?


Just two of us. Mm.

I had the perfect night planned --

Alone, pay-per-view boxing --

The pride of ireland versus a cuban sensation.

In the ring and in my bloodstream.

Then gloria and mitchell got involved.

Jay, cam is gonna watch the fight, too.

Why don't you two watch it together?

Oh, good, because cam was just gonna Watch from a bar by himself.

I love it. It's gonna be like you have a date!


I don't know what it is, but jay gets uncomfortable When it's just the two of us.

And then I get uncomfortable, And I feel like I have to say something.

Perfect. Yeah.

Today's hitler's birthday.

Mitchell, we're going!

(sighs) where is phil? The theater's gonna be packed.

Honey, your nerd friend is waiting.

(laughs evilly) who dare invoke my name?

That's my cue.

It is I, your destroyer!

(chuckles) hey, lily, you sure you don't want To go to the movies with us? Last chance.

What is it about again?

The defenders of infinity are heroes From several different time streams That make their way into the future without --

Um, it's not really the future Since the streams have always coexisted.

Don't do that. Don't treat me like I'm a lobotomorph.

Lily, you don't want to go.

You'll be the only girl in the theater.

All right, you guys should head out.

We would love to.

Oh, and don't worry.

Lily's babysitters have a big night planned --

Puzzles, ping-pong, board games.

Are we still in that "let manny win or he cries" phase?


We should get going. Are we taking separate time streams?

Sure, if we want to get there yesterday.

(both laugh)

-- Captions by vita--


Ah, there's something so relaxing About a bowl of green apples.

I already forgot all my problems.

(drawer squeaks quietly) did you hear that?

What? Exactly.

We used whisperquiet gliders in all the drawers.

Oh, really cuts down on c.N. --

It's industry jargon for "closet noise."

Does that technology work on people, too?

(cellphone chiming) you're right.

I promise -- no more shop talk.

What is this? Oh.

Our smoke alarm went off at home.

I'm sure it's nothing, But I'm still gonna call luke just in case.

And it's straight to voicemail.

Hello, manny. We saw that the smoke alarm went off.

Are you okay?

Oh, god. Luke's outgoing message Is a long and vaguely sexist rap.

Okay, papi. Stay perfect!

Ay. Everything is okay.

They were baking cookies and they burned a batch.

Oh. All right.

Except our oven isn't working.

Manny would never lie. You know what?

I am gonna call for a russian masseuse.

Their hands are very strong from wringing laundry.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Think about it.

They were very eager to get us out of the house.

They're up to something.

You are too suspicious.

And you are too trusting!

Luke's already been arrested this year.

A few weeks ago, we caught him with beer.

Even that's a better rap.

I'm hearing a lot of luke's name and none of manny.

You don't think manny's up to the same things When you're not paying attention?

You're crazy. Manny hates beer.

A fruity beaujolais then.

You can do whatever you want.

I'm gonna go check on my kid.


(drawer squeaks quietly)

I hate how good those gliders are!

(indistinct conversations)

I am so excited. I feel like a teenager.

Me too. Although, as torf the ancient, I have seen everything from the great star explosion To the seven moon alliance.

Claire was right. No girls.

Phil? James!

Hey. What's up?


I sold this cool cat a house in the hills last year. Ah.

Since then, his bluegrass band has really taken off.

It's so crazy. We started doing it ironically, And before we knew it, we were actually doing it for real.

That happened to me in the '90s with saying, "exsqueeze me."

Oh. Yeah.

Well, I assume from your torf the ancient costume, And your pale slave getup... Not a costume.

...That you guys are here to see "defenders of infinity."

Oh, yeah! Yeah.

Oh, it is so incredible!

Really? Yeah.

Hey, if you really want to be blown away, I've got two special gummy bears you can have.

Just one for each of us?

Believe me. One is all you need.

I guess we can get more at the concession stand.

No, they don't sell gummy bears like these here.

Ohhh. (chuckles)

You get extra cool ones from europe or something.

Guys, how are you not getting this? It's pot.

Together: Ohhhh.

I don't know why, but I've never tried marijuana.

No. No, me neither.

Th-there was always something stopping me --

Needing to take care of lily, The figure-skating honor code, Not wanting to accidentally tell everyone in high school I was gay.

People never offered it to me, which is weird Because in college, I was kind of a big man on campus.

I founded a major organization --

The national association of responsible cheerleaders.

Uh, narcs. Yeah.

Here. They take 45 minutes to hit, so take them now, And you'll be good to go when the movie starts.

Okay. (chuckles)

Um, you know, if -- if we ever were gonna try this, Tonight's kind of the perfect opportunity.

I guess you're right.

No kids. I'm wearing velcro sneakers.

(chuckling) should we?

I've always wanted to know what it would be like.

Plus, I went to the gym today.

I deserve a sweet.

Let's do it. Okay.


I'm shaking. Thank you.

(both chuckle)

Cheers. Cheersies.

(giggles) subtle.

Chew smaller.


(cellphone buzzes) (chuckling) oh, my god.

I cannot believe we're doing this. This is so exciting.


Oh, god. I knew this was a horrible mistake.

I just got an alert. Our smoke alarm when off!

(coughing) (blowing)

It's not coming up. (spits)

Okay, okay.

Relax. I'm gonna -- I'm gonna call luke, find out what's up. Yeah.

Voicemail. (sighs)

(chuckles) this rap's hilarious, though.

Call claire. She's not home.

We're gonna have to check this out.

No, come on. Those alerts are always nothing.

Plus... (whispering) our crime.

Listen, we have assigned seats And 45 minutes till this kicks in.

That gives us plenty of time to uber home, Make sure everything's fine, touch up my veins, and get back.

I'll set an alarm so we know exactly when it hits.

No, you're right. Lily's there. Yes, yes. Let's go.

Plus, we're not gonna want to deal with this When we're high and paranoid.

Oh. Oh, god.

Do you think the paranoia will be bad?

(bell dings, boxing announcer talking on tv)

So, how's the closet business?

I retired two months ago. Right. Right.

Uh, getting our carpets cleaned next month.

Oh, come on. That's ridiculous.

Hernandez has this fight in the bag.

Yeah, it's gonna be such a cakewalk.

He shouldn't even be getting paid for it.

Can you believe these guys?

Hey, no disrespect, but if o'brien's even halfway sober, He takes hernandez apart.

Yeah, he's got a better reach, better jab, And I haven't seen feet that fast since riverdance.

You guys seem pretty confident.

Uh, care to make a friendly $10 bet?

We'll take it. Easiest money I ever made. Yeah.

You're crazy. O'brien is a mook.

Well, hernandez is a palooka.

I'd rather be a palooka than a mook.

Well, that's a lot of talk coming from a couple jabronis.

Cam, calm down. We're just having fun here.

Really? That's -- that's the line?


What happened?

Damn it! O'brien knocked him out!

Already? We missed the whole thing!

We're backed up in the kitchen.

Sorry, guys. Your food's gonna be a while.

I thought about leaving, But I didn't want to make jay feel bad.

I had a sandwich coming.

I told you. Nothing!

A little too much nothing, if you ask me.

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

I forgot my slippers.

Doesn't the hotel have slippers?

I'll be asking the questions.

How did you manage to burn chocolate-chip cookies In an oven that doesn't work?

Oh, manny meant pancakes.

We're making chocolate-chip pancakes.

You see? Now, let's go.

Somebody named olga should be salting me like a pretzel!



Is everything okay?

Oh, yes. It was just a false alarm.

Well, then we should probably get back to the theater.

Those pre-movie trivia questions Aren't gonna answer themselves, are they? (chuckles)

Actually, they do. Wait a minute!

What the hell is going on...

Here, huh?

(sniffs) yep.

I smell cheap beer. Someone's been having a party.

Claire, you're just being crazy.

Take a look around! Nothing is going on!

There is no party!

Everyone just be cool!

See that story about the one-armed golfer? No.

Yeah, well, it's this guy and he's...

Well, I guess that's it. He's -- he's a one-armed golfer.


How backed up is that kitchen?!

Hey! These guys!

Hey, you rascals. Get over here.

We're on our way out.

No! Don't you want a chance to win your money back?

It's 5 bucks each. We're good.

No! Come on!

It'll be fun.

Dude, you're hurting my arm.

No, a game of foosball, double or nothing.

I don't think -- you're on! Let's go!

Let's go!

Phil, uh, how long do we have?

17 minutes.

Till the movie, is what we're talking about.

We're just two guys seeing a movie.

No one's leaving here until we get to the bottom of this.

Oh, my god. Somebody give me a back rub!

Manny! Luke! Get in here!

You guys go search the house. Find something suspicious.

Is this gonna be like loading the dishwasher?

First I load it, then you reload it?

Wouldn't it be faster if you actually --

Phil, go!

What's so important? I'm sitting for my portrait.

Oh, knock it off. I know you two threw a party.

I don't "throw" a party, claire.

It's true. He can't throw anything.

And if I were hosting an event, Where did I put the ice sculpture?

Where did I stash the hors d'oeuvres?

Where did I hide the jazz trio?

Good question, considering you couldn't even hide...

The solo.

Nice wordplay, mom, But that cup's been there for like three days.

I didn't want to say anything 'cause I thought it was yours.

Yeah. It was bold.

But those kids upstairs weren't gonna stay quiet forever.

I was one dead phone battery away From a conversation breaking out.


Sure, throwing a party was a risk, But two hot exchange students just started at our school.

Best part is, they don't understand Just how uncool we are.


So, we were walking down the hallway When we stopped by the locker --

Ohh, pizza day.


That's our personal trainer.

He hates it when we eat carbs.

We had a short window. We needed to impress them fast.

So, we bribed lily with all the soda she could drink And threw a party.

It was going great until someone set off the alarm Because he just had to smoke his dorky pipe.

Dorky? Yeah, because hugh hefner doesn't get girls.


I love you, too, mommy.

All clear, party people!

(indistinct conversations)

I told her we were baking cookies.

Dude, our oven's broken.

My mom's definitely gonna get suspicious and check on us.

That means my mom's coming, too.

I'll get everyone to leave, You get rid of the beer and your idea of a spread.

Wait. We're not giving up yet.

The beer pong tournament just started, The girls are laughing at all of our jokes, And they think we're friends with guys like tommy cutahee.

Great party, lewis.

Thanks, tommy.

From now on, I'm lewis.

We're going to get caught if we do nothing.

What if we hide everyone long enough For my mom to check on us and then leave?

It's not worth it.

(european accent) guys, when do we play seven hours in heaven?

Moving the party upstairs, people!

Okay. No one's here. Okay.

(alarm beeps) is that your watch alarm?

We have to get out of here!

I do not want to be high in front of claire!


I think I'm feeling something.

Oh, no.

What are you feeling?


Oh, god.

Are you feeling anything?


Then why are you leaning like that?

I'm not leaning.

Maybe you're leaning so it looks like I'm leaning.

Oh, yeah. You're right.

Claire: Phil, what are you doing?

Still searching!

Anything suspicious? Say nothing.



Answer her! You said "say nothing."

I mean say the word "nothing." word.


That was so good. Thanks, man.

Okay, phillip. Focus.

We have to finish searching this house Before we start acting weird or...



That was so great.

Yeah, I learned from the best.

Come on, you jerk. Get in there, you son of a bitch!

Oh, yeah, baby. Here we go.

That's what your sister said last night When I was banging her.

What?! Aw, damn it, vic!

(both laugh)

(laughing) cam was banging vic's sister.



Oh, just hit it already.

That's what your sister said to cam last night When he was banging her. Did I do it?

(laughing) you're so good!

(laughs) yes!

Manny, manny...Manny.

How did we get here?

You're a good kid.

You didn't have anything to do with this.

You were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Am I right?

But someone's going down for this.

You think it'll be the white kid? Hmm?

(whispering) psst! Claire!

What are you doing?

I am trying to get to the truth.

The only way I'm gonna find out what really happened here Is to get those two clowns to turn on each other.

Nothing happened here!

And even if it had, Manny's not gonna rat out his best friend!

(whispering) I think I'm gonna take the deal.

(whispering) no!

You cave, we don't stand a chance With those exchange students.

Those girls don't respect weak, little nerds Afraid of being punished by their mommies.

They've lived through wars.

They're from portugal!

(whispering) whoa. I heard something.

Did you hear something?


Am I screaming right now?

No. Okay.

Stay cool. We're almost out of here.

All clear.

Let's just check luke's room.

Then we can tell claire we didn't find anything.

(keg clanks)

Okay, there's two ways we can play this.


(whispering) okay, if we tell claire about those kids, We're gonna have to stay here and punish manny And the, uh -- the other one.

That's no good! (exhales shakily)

I don't think we can hide our crime!

Well, then what if we don't tell her?

Does -- does that make us bad parents?

Or are we bad parents Because we're punishing our kids while we are high?

We're bad parents either way! This is a nightmare.

Oh, hey, guys. Hey, cupcake!

(whispering) do I call her "cupcake"?

(whispering) don't worry, I'll make it normal.

(normal voice) what's going on, cupcake?

Are you guys okay?

Yeah. Yeah, we're okay. Why wouldn't we be okay?


I was so drunk, I thought they were stoned.


Keeping a secret like this is tough --

Eats away at a man's soul.

Mom, I have one question --

Why do you hate yourself?


You have one night in a spa to be massaged and pampered, But you're here.

Why don't you think you deserve happiness?

That's the mystery I'm interested in solving today.

(cheering in distance) what is that?

That is the sound of a party, gloria, huh?

Ay, manny!

Tomorrow's gonna be one awkward mother/son mambo class.


Cameron: Oh, boom! Jay: Next up, I paddle your mother.


Dad. Claire!

Hey, this is my actual daughter.

You came up a few times tonight.

So has my "wife." (laughs)

What are you doing here?

We ran out of games to bet on at the bar.

Claire...There's something we have to tell you.

What did we decide to do again?

We, uh...

We're g-- we're gonna need a minute.

I told you there was nothing going on with the boys.

(chuckles) you're right.

Boys, I apologize.

We can confirm That there's nothing suspicious anywhere.

(all gasp)


Sorry about your table, lewis.

I have another party.

Oh, I knew it!

I knew these two were up to something.

What do you think about your precious manny now, huh?

I am sure it was luke's idea!

But do not give up on him yet.

I know that there is a camp up in the mountains Where you can send bad kids.

No, it was my idea, too.

I'm the one who set off the smoke alarm.

I'm the one who bribed lily with soda.

I'm the one who put a red light bulb in the laundry room To give it a sexy vibe.

You've got to stop thinking of me as your perfect little boy.


There's a party upstairs. Party upstairs.

I cannot believe that my baby lied to me.

I cannot believe my baby accepted a bribe.

I'd be more concerned with how natural she is With that bottle in her hands. Okay.

I shouldn't trust my kid so much.

I have to be more like claire and not trust anybody.

I didn't want to be right, but I am.

So (chuckles) here we are.

At least we still have alex.

You guys don't have any good kids, So who's the bad parent now, huh?

Nobody. Phil, no, don't.

No, no. I got this.

Claire, I know why you're always worried.

Because you don't know what's going to happen.

It's called fear of the future, or "fof" or "fotf."

But spoiler alert -- it's gonna be great.

Guys, I have two words for you --

Think about time travel.

If you could go forward in time and turn around And look at this moment, we would say, "this is all super chill."

Our kids are good people.

They turn out great.

Phil's right. Really?

Oh, t-then here's something, too.

When I was younger, I never thought I would be here.

And here I am.

What the hell does that mean?

Oh, god.

Look, you got to relax.

They're going to be fine.

People have a way of surprising you.

Yes, you see, we had our own journey tonight --

An unlikely duo thrust together.

Not your moment, cam.

Oh, right. I'll send a group e-mail.

Honey, don't worry.

You're better parents than dede and I ever were, And you turned out all right.

Thanks, dad.

But what do we do now?

Are we just supposed to let these kids off the hook Because we were as bad as they are?

No. We'll be hypocrites.

Mm. Like all parents!

Luke! Manny!

Get your asses in here!

Also, am I the only one that sees That these two idiots are high as kites?

Cameron: Mitchell?

Oh, my god. She is still going.

How much soda did she have?

You know, when you and mitchell first got together, You used to ask me to do a lot of stuff.

I was new to the family, and I --

I really wanted you to like me.

But I always seemed to be too much, too demonstrative, Too dramatic... So I stopped.

Well, I had fun tonight.

I wouldn't mind if you still chased me A little bit sometimes.

Oh, jay. Get in here.

(both laugh) it's going too fast.

I'm -- I'm sorry. Baby steps.

No, the treadmill's about to launch her through the drywall.

Lily! Daddy!