Modern Family S7E19 Script

Man Shouldn't Lie (2016)


That staycation beard's really taking shape, dad.

[ Chuckles ] It's starting to trap food.


It's gone from itchin' to bitchin'.

And you're still rocking the sweats.

Every day this week. Same underwear?

What underwear? [ Telephone ringing ]

Hold that thought. Do I have to?

Mayor's office. City of Phila-Dunphy-a.

I'm sorry. I just got done.

My computer crashed, and we got four pallets of hinges from Taiwan with faulty riveting.

At least your story's riveting.

It's clever. I'll tell you later.

Hey, why is the minivan in the driveway?

You parked me in this morning.

I was running late for a meeting, so I just took Haley's Corolla.


It would be if it didn't smell like the inside of Bob Marley's laundry hamper.

Anyway, I've got a bunch more calls to make.

I'm not gonna have time to cook tonight.

We could go out.

There's that new restaurant -- Sliders.

The gimmick is they built it on a slant, and the waiters all wear socks.

That doesn't sound good at all.

Can you just order something?

Yeah, you got it. Great.

[ Beep ] [ Inhales sharply ]

[ Sighs ]

What are you doing? Run away, little dog.

Fine. Go around you.

You're not gonna move.

'Cause I'm not stopping for you.

I'm stopping for you.

Damn. Ohh!

[ Inhales sharply ]

Move it!


[ Gear shift clicks, seat belt clicks ]

Don't forget you have to watch Joe while we have company.

Again? Yes, again.

What is the problem?

He always wants to watch his show "Mystery Kidz," with a "Z."

It's insufferable.

Now you know what I felt when I had to watch your favorite show.

"Masterpiece Theater"?

It was hosted by a creepy puppet.

That was Alan Cumming.

Ay, Jay, you have to add two more chairs.

For who?

It's us, the McClouds, and the Sharps.

I also invited my friend Dana and her husband, Reece.

Reece? Who's Reece?

I just told you. Dana's husband.

I met her at the PTA lunch, and she's the only woman in the anti-bullying campaign that I don't want to punch in the face.

Why would I want these people in my house messing up my poker game?

Maybe you'll meet new friends.

We've been over this before. I don't want any new friends.

I have the exact-right number of friends.

Jay, your friends have been around since before the movies could talk.

I don't think it's the worst idea to start getting some backups.

[ Sighs ]

-- Captions by VITAC --

Captioning Provided by 20th Century Fox Television and ABC, Inc. and brought to you by Ford. We go further, so you can.


Hey, daddy, what's a lowest common denominator?

Reality TV. That's hilarious, but I've got a quiz tomorrow.

[ Rock music plays ]


What is that noise?

Let me remind you that it's been weeks since we've had a tenant up there.

So you rented it to a rock band?

A Christian rock band.

Oh, good. Okay, so they're noisy and judge-y.

Shame on you and your narrow, big-city attitude.

I've known many accepting people of faith.

And I've been chased into a lake.

So I guess we're both entitled to our opinion.

Oh, oh, oh -- No!

Okay. Guys. Absolutely not.

[ Music continues ]

Coop: Come in.


This is Mitchell, and the music sounds great.

Just wondering if you could turn it down a-a skosh.

Yeah, of course. We're sorry.

Just giving the guy upstairs a taste of our new song.

He means God. Really?

There's no third floor I don't know about?

We love the place, by the way.

It's just scrumptious.

Good! Good!

So, you guys are a Christian rock band?

Water to Wine. Yeah, that's us.

Well, I hope you're not expecting to bring all your groupies back here.

[ Laughter ]

Don't worry.

The Soldiers of the Lamb Church forbids premarital relations.

-Mm. -Of course.

But I can think of a few ladies I wouldn't mind multiplying with after our elders give us their blessings.

I heard that. Oh!

We love girls!

As long as you guys are here, I need an outsider's opinion.

I'm working on a song, but these guys think it's too soft.

Do you mind?

Um...lay it on us, bro.


♪ Hiding for so long ♪

♪ The real me, I don't belong ♪

♪ I'm not myself, I never was ♪

♪ I cry at night and all because ♪

♪ I'm trapped on a secret path ♪

♪ I need a holy bath ♪

♪ To wash away the sins I hide ♪

♪ To douse the fire I feel inside ♪ Aw, dang it, Dex, you're bumming me out!

Whoa. Calm down, Coop.

Just 'cause we're in the city doesn't mean we got to talk like it.

[ Sighs ] I'm so sorry.

You know what, Dex, I like that song.

Yeah. What's the title?

I call it "A Cry for Help."

-Did you hear that? -Yeah, I'm standing right here.

[ Door opens ]

You're back again?

Oh. Missed you, too.

Sanjay's home this weekend.

It's kind of a big day for us -- our first anniversary.

Look what I got him.

It's a hadrosaur metacarpal for his dinosaur bone collection.

Too much?

Well, what's the equivalent gift if you guys were normal?

Like, a Starbucks card or a Rolex?

[ Inhales sharply ]

Kind of like a really nice microscope.

You're not helping.

I thought the gift for a first nerd anniversary was inhaler.

[ Door opens ]

Hey. Where's your dad?

Upstairs. Why?

-[ Gasps ] -You got us a dog?!

No, no!

It's a stray, and we are not keeping him.

Be quiet.

Your dad cannot know he's here.

If he sees him, he'll get all attached, and there's no getting rid of it.

Oh, it'll be like Luke all over again. [ Sighs ]

At least they were married when they had me.

You ruined mom's life.

Hmm. Stop.

I am now very happy I have all of you.

But I just can't take care of another living creature.

Then why'd you bring it home?

I couldn't leave it in the street.

Phil: Claire, is that you?

Take care of it.

I'm not gonna kill a dog.

[ Whispering ] Hide it in your room.

[ Dog grumbles ]

Is that what I think it is? Uh, no.

Yeah, pizza's here.


How you doing?

[ Dog growling ]

What was that?

[ Growls ] I'm the pizza monster!

It's this new character I'm doing. [ Chuckles ]

I love it. I really love it.

I didn't really love it.

It felt a little close to my Chicken Pot Pirate.

It's a mystery.

Who's that?

Noni. She can be invisible.

-Who's that? -Gogo.

He can jump off of buildings.

[ Telephone ringing ]

This is the most unrealistic show I've ever seen.

Who's that?

Yes, great. I will open the gate.

[ Telephone beeps ]

Reece. Probably can't even work a gate.

Maybe you'll like him.

He's the Kings' dentist.

Well, hoity-toity. I'm the emperor's closet maker.

The L.A. Kings hockey team.

Kings' dentist. Why does he say it like that?

What, is he trying to be all fancy?

[ Doorbell rings ] He didn't say anything. I said it.

[ Door opens ]

-Hi! -Hi!

-Hello. -Hi.

Dana, Reece, this is my husband, Jay.

-Hi. Jay. Pleasure. -Hello.

-Hi, Reece. How are you? -Hey, Jay.

Dana, come with me to the kitchen while the boys get to know each other.

All right.

Did you hear they're thinking of eliminating cursive at the school?

All of it, or just the "F" word?

I brought you some Scotch.

Wow. That's quite a bottle. Thank you.


Hey, Gloria tells me you're the Kings' dentist.

Well, when you say it like that, it sounds so hoity-toity.

-[ Chuckles ] -Why don't we crack that open?

And do you have any Cohiba Robustos?

Oh, I wish, but, you know, they're impossible to find.

Hmm. Well, look at that.

I just found two.

Okay, the guy wasn't all bad, but I couldn't let Gloria know or it would open the door for a whole bunch of new things I don't want to do --

Trendy restaurants, movies about how women feel about crap.

And who needs it?

Claire: [ Scoffs ]

As if this week wasn't bad enough, now my hardware supplier in Brussels is flip-flopping.

Sounds like you're dealing with a real Belgian waffle.

[ Scoffs ] [ Dog growls ]

Is that a dog?

What? No.

[ Whimpering ]

That sounds like a dog.

You will do anything to avoid hearing me talk about work, won't you?

I'm -- I'm just gonna go cool off downstairs.



Phil: She is right.

Sometimes I don't listen.

That's what she said, right? I don't listen?

[ Whimpering ] Did you get out?

Oh, come on, now.

Shhhhhhh. -Honey?

Sweetheart? -Hmm?

I am so sorry.

It's fine, Phil, really. Just go back to bed.

[ Whimpering ]

[ Whimpers ]

I just...need some time to myself.

[ Whimpers ] Y-You know I cry when you cry.

I'll be upstairs.

[ Dog coughs ]

Ohh! [ Clears throat ]

You okay?

It's just -- It's been a lot.

[ Clears throat ] I love you.

[ Footsteps fade ]

Hey, Dex. How are you?

You okay?

Yeah, I was just admiring your garden.

Hey, come on in.

So, uh, where is the rest of the gang?

Oh, they're out on a prayer jog. Ah.

It's not really my thing.


Is -- Is that something that happens a lot where -- where you feel different?

Hi, Dex.

Hey, Mitchell. Hi.

Can I have you help me over here for just a second?

Uh, okay.


What are you doing?

He was clearly reaching out.

He was admiring our garden.

Nobody admires our garden.

It's a dead cactus with a grocery bag stuck to it.

What is going on with you?

You're the one who never wants to get involved in people's lives.

Don't you see?

He feels trapped by those guys.

Oh, the big, bad Bible thumpers?

Here we go again.

I'm just saying you could read his song

"A Cry for Help" as a cry for help.

Mitchell, I'm sorry you got chased into a lake, but some of the kindest, most loving, generous people I've ever known were churchgoers.


Come -- [ Sighs ]

Hey, Dex, do you mind if I make a personal observation?

If it's about my hips, blame my mother.

[ Chuckling ] No, no.

It's -- It's about the song that you sang yesterday.

It seemed like you were trying to express something -- some feelings you might be having that you think might not be met with approval from your..."community."

Or it's just a song.

Has nothing to do with his personal situation.

-No, it does. -Ha! Ha!

I'm -- I'm sorry. Your pain is real.

I just feel so guilty.

I know people will be disappointed.

No, no, don't feel guilty.

Look, the first step is to say it out loud.

I don't want to be a drummer.

Okay, now say the other thing.

I don't want to be in a band anymore.

I miss home.

I miss my girlfriend.

-I'm sorry. Whoa. What? -I'm sorry. Your what?

It's like a weight has been lifted.

Thank you so much, guys.

You know, I was just gonna stay inside today, but I'm really glad I came out.

He doesn't get to say that.

Oh, hey, Joe.

Uh, there's a new "Mystery Kidz" on.

No, thanks.

"No, thanks"?

Aren't you curious who stole Poco's magic wings?

Not really.

But everyone's a suspect.

The watchmaker hates Poco, and Mayor Pudding would do anything to stay in office.

How could you not want to see what happens?

[ Telephone ringing ]

[ Telephone beeps ]


Uh, yes. Hold on.

Jay, it's Reece.

You see, Gloria? Now he's calling me.

This is what I was afraid of.

He called.

My new friend called.

He's taking me to a hockey game.


Now I'm stuck going to some boring charity event with Reece.

You see what your mom got me into?

Jay, come on. Keep an open mind.

All we're saying is give Reece a chance.




What are you doing?

Trying to figure out his name.

What about dad?

Here, Dad. Nope.

You do not need to figure out his name because we're going to put these fliers up, and someone's gonna call.

What happened to the dinosaur bone I got for Sanjay?

I saw Snoop... burying something in the backyard.

And you didn't do anything?

I opened the door for him.

That bone lasted 65 million years, and it can't even last one day in this house?!

-Claire. -Oh, my God, your father!

The dog -- outside! Outside!

Outside! Yeah, honey?

Sweetheart, about last night. Uh-huh.

Because I didn't listen with these two ears...


...I want to apologize with these tu-lips. [two lips]

Oh, that is very -- That's so sweet of you.

-Oh. -Thank you, baby.


Oh, is that a tortilla chip right there?

Yeah -- Oh.

Hola, amigo from yesterday.

You're not gonna eat that, are you?

[ Chuckling ] No, that would be disgusting.

Oh, good. What are these?

Oh, that's a -- It's a...

It's a protein snack.

You don't have to eat that if you don't like it. No.

I like it. Good.

It's -- It's liver-y.


You take such good care of us.

Thanks, honey. We should get those flowers in a a vase.

No, Phil. Oh!

Not that vase.

Look at me!

Really look at me.

I feel like I am.

Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.

You're just not getting it, are you?

I'm sorry. I need some alone time.


[ Sighs ]

[ Knock on door ]


Sorry for knocking on your door so persistently, but we can't find Dex, and all his matching luggage is gone.

Do you have any idea where he is?

I don-- I don't know, Mitchell.

Weren't you the last person to talk to him?

And we haven't got much time.

If we don't have a drummer, we're gonna have to cancel the gig.

Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

Don't even... I -- Mm.

Aah, this is devastating.

If we don't play, we won't get paid, and we don't have enough money to get home.

Hey, you don't know what Dex is going through.

One hath to be true to the way one was born.

Okay, you can't just add "hath" and pretend it was in the Bible. Hmm.

Well, I guess we better call the venue and cancel the gig.

Oh, boy, well, you know.

I could be your drummer.

Oh, God, here we go.

-Really? You play? -Swear to G-dash-D.

Just play me a few bars. I can pick it up, follow along.


Mr. Cameron, thank you so much.

You kind of remind me of another special someone who made a pretty big sacrifice to save us.

Please, do not compare me to your --

Mr. Bernie Kaufman, our manager.

He burnt down his shoe store to pay for our first demo.

Oh. Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?

Oh, God, you take the dog, and I'll clean this up, okay? Oh.

Okay. Phil: Honey, I got some vase options.

What happened?

Um [Clicks tongue] what do you think happened?

I think she saw those flowers as the shallow, transparent gesture they were and shredded them to pieces in a justifiable rage.


What have I done to upset her so much?

Maybe you should look in a mirror and ask yourself that question.

Sweet Teen Wolf, what have I become?

[ Thud ]

You see that guy?

I have done so much work on his mouth that he's paid for the hot tub on my boat.

[ Laughs ] Hey.

Did Kopitar just wave to you?

It's the least he can do.

I'm taking him out fishing this weekend in Catalina.

Hey, hey, do you want to come?

Oh, my God, I'd love to go.

Oh, but... What?

Last night, before you got there, Gloria and I got in a big to-do about me not needing new friends.

Oh, and now you don't want to admit you were wrong.

[ Chuckling ] Wow, do you get me.

Well, it's supposed to be perfect whale-watching weather, and, uh, oh, yeah, Gretzky's coming, too. The Great One?

Not at sharing the binoculars, he isn't.

It's killing me I can't go!

Well, here's a crazy idea.

Why don't you tell your wife the truth and admit you were wrong?

You don't get me like I thought you did.


Fine. I'll level with her.

[ Crowd cheering ]


[ Door opens ] What is going on?

Ohh, good, you're not dad.

So, how'd it go with Sanjay?

Did he remember your anniversary?

You tell me.

After I gave him the fossil, he gave me this for romantic weekends up at Stanford.

It looks kind of used.

Do you think it's possible he forgot and just grabbed the first thing that he s--

Shut up! He loves me!

I can't believe I haven't gotten a single call.

I must have put up a thousand fliers.

Hey, guys.


-Claire. -Yeah.

-I want to talk to you. -Mm-hmm.

I am so sorry.


I don't listen.

I try to solve problems with flowers.

I do unflattering impressions of you for my friends.

And worst of all, I let myself go.

So I shaved and put on a suit.

Oh, honey.

What's that?

What? Oh.

Um, uh... Oh, my God.

You packed a suitcase.

You need some time away.

I guess all this was... too little, too late.

Well, not the spray tan. That was too much, too long.

I think the nozzle was broken.

You're getting this all wrong, and it's all my fault.

Okay, look, I have been trying to distract you, yes, but because I have been thinking about what was good for me and not what might be good for you.

So I have no idea if we're ever gonna find out who his real owner is, but if we don't, you can keep him.

Why would I want the Tanksley's dog?


This is Buddy.

You know the Tanksley's over on Clifton?

I sold them their house.

Oh, thank God.

But if you're open to me getting a pet...

Yeah. Of course. Get a dog.

No, I don't want a dog.

I want a cockatoo to take Rollerblading.

How cool would that be sitting on my shoulder my half shirt flapping in the wind?

You're not getting a bird.

Are you serious? Yeah.

People that have birds and walk around with them on their shoulders --

They look ridiculous.

It's obviously a desperate cry for attention.


Now I need some time to myself.

[ Cartoon playing on TV ]

What are you doing?


You're watching "Mystery Kidz."

You said you didn't want to.

Not with you. You ask too many questions.

[ Scoffs ] That's rude.

I was only watching as a courtesy.

[ Gasps ] What just happened?

[ Gasps ] Wait, who's that?


How was the charity event?

I have to talk to you about something.


I owe you an apology.

I have to go to Cleveland this weekend for my Aunt Bea's funeral.

Nice old lady. Fell off a cliff.

I'll -- I'll go with you. I'll start packing right now.

No, no, no. You stay here with Joe and Manny.

I'll send you a snow globe.

Hey, did we have an extra pair of binoculars?

I saw a weird bird outside.

Stop with the lies.

I really don't understand men.

Why can't you just admit that you were wrong?

It's not a weakness.

It's a strength, and I would love you and respect you more.


I like Reece, and I want to go away with him.

I knew it!

I was right, and you were wrong!

From now on, we're gonna do new things all the time.

Tomorrow we're going to an Ethiopian restaurant, and then we're gonna watch a movie about a love letter that arrived 30 years late and changed the life of two women.

Can I bring Reece?


[ Indistinct chatter ]

Coop: Hey, everyone, let's gather for the preshow prayer. Ooh!

Kind of like Madonna and her backup dancers.

Mr. Mitchell, would you like to join us?

Oh, I'm good. Thank you.

All right. [ Sighs ]

Heavenly Father, we ask that you make this show super-amazing for all of our fans, and we pray for Dex.

Lord, please guide him.

Give him strength.

And let him know that we love and accept him no matter what.

Mitchell, did you hear that?

Hey, you know what? Let me in there.

[ Chuckles ] All right!

I have -- I have been a little judgmental, haven't I?

So... [ Sighs ]

Go ahead.

Amen. Amen.

Let's do this.

-Break a leg! -Thank you!

Oh. Here.

What's this?

If the mood strikes you, why don't you join us onstage, make some joyful noise?

Man: Ladies and gentlemen, Water to Wine!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Coop: Thank you. Hey.

One, two, three, four.

[ Up-tempo rock music plays ]

♪ The world may be flat ♪

♪ But it's always changin' ♪

♪ So many sins from topics that are rangin' ♪

♪ Devil's done with breakfast, and his evil is ragin' ♪

♪ Which is why ♪ ♪ Which is why ♪

♪ Which is why ♪ ♪ Which is why ♪

♪ Man shouldn't lie ♪

♪ Man shouldn't lie ♪

♪ Man shouldn't lie with another man ♪

♪ Man shouldn't lie ♪

♪ Man shouldn't lie ♪

♪ Man shouldn't lie with another man ♪

♪ There's a party in hell ♪

♪ And the drinks are always flowing ♪

♪ I think we all know the kind of people that are going ♪

♪ Man shouldn't lie ♪

♪ Man shouldn't lie ♪

♪ Man shouldn't lie with another man ♪

♪ Unless they really love each other ♪ ♪ Man shouldn't lie ♪

♪ Man shouldn't lie ♪

♪ Man shouldn't lie with another man ♪

♪ The Jesus I know loves everyone ♪

♪ Even if you're gay or straight ♪

♪ Doesn't matter about your sexuality-y-y ♪

[ Guitars stop ] [ Cymbals crashing ]

I'm just saying that maybe, before you join the French resistance, you walk the 15 feet to your neighbor's house and ask her did she get your damn love letter.

For someone that says that they don't want to talk about the movie, that's all you seem to be talking about.

I think it's better than putting this yellow mush in my mouth.

Yeah, maybe if you opened up your mind, you would see that this is actually delicious.


It was disgusting, but I could never let Jay know that he was right.

Food wasn't terrible.

And if I'm being honest, the movie sort of stayed with me.