Modern Family S7E21 Script

Crazy Train (2016)

Hey, thank you. Here's an Andrew Jackson.

Make a clean set of sheets happen, I'll introduce you to his twin brother.


You don't have to do the banter, but what's it cost me?

Manny, it was a great idea to come on the train.

Rail is the last bastion of respectable travel now that every airport has become a sweat-pant convention.

We are all traveling to Portland because Jay's ex-wife, Dede, is getting remarried.

We're so happy. For us.

It means the end of those damn alimony payments, so I'm gonna make sure Dede goes through with it.

It'll be, "I do," "I do," "I'm done."

(bell dinging)

How much choice action are we gonna get on this trip?

I'm managing my expectations.

Don't you know anything about trains?

Chicks go crazy.

The vibrations get them all worked up.

Also, they're trapped, which is nice.

Hey. We're just gonna go bang out this toast for Mom. Yeah. Shouldn't have waited till the last minute.

It'll be a nice distraction from your motion sickness.

It's good, as long as I'm not facing backwards when the train is -- Oh, God, no.

Lead me.

All right, I got it.

There you go. Fixed point. Mm-hmm.

♪♪ Oh, my God, it can't be.

What? No, it's not a bald spot.

I slept on it funny last night.

No. The guy two rows back.

Oh, my... That's Simon Ha--

Hastings. Oh, my --

You're a fan of his, too?

Oh, my -- He's my favorite author. Don't tell Mitchell, but I was so engrossed in his last book, I didn't feed Lily for a day and a half.

Wait a second.

Simon Hastings is the genius behind the Silverton mystery novels.

"Dismembers Only."

"A Death of Fresh Air."

The world has been waiting for the final book of the trilogy for almost, what, 10 years?

I missed it so much, I took a stab at writing fan fiction.


I put Silverton in the harrowing world of real estate with "Open House, Closed Casket."


Goose bumps.

Hey! Hey!

We hate to bother you, but you are our favorite author.

Gentlemen, the words are all out there.

I just arrange them in a financially rewarding way.

(laughs) Droll is what that is. Droll. Classic Hastings.

That by any chance isn't the -- the next Silverton novel, is it?

You mean "Locomotive for Murder"?


It's not even out yet, and I'm sad about finishing it.

Well, I hope you won't be disappointed.

Lovely to meet you.

What's your process?

Are the characters just speaking through you?

How important is plot?

Here's an idea -- how would you two like to sit quietly and read the first chapter?

Oh... What? What?

...God. What?

(laughs) Rest assured.

Your treasure is in good hands.

We are also members of the artistic community.

Clown. Magician.




What? We're on a train, and I'm embracing a romantic style of travel.

I get it, and I love it.

Wonderful Victorian tea hat.

Thank you. Top-notch travel derby.

Ma'am. See you at high tea.

He acts like someone with low "T." Ah.

Ugh, I forgot my magazines when I was buying gum.

Oh, it's hard to do two things at once.

(sighs) You got an extra book?

Well, I'm re-reading "Jane Eyre," but I've got "Anna Karenina" on deck.

What you got?

"Hurricane Harriet." It's mostly pictures.

Sold. Move over.

So, what's Harriet's deal?

She's a ditzy girl who causes problems for everyone, but never realizes it.

Doesn't sound very realistic.

Ah, do you guys know where the bathroom is?

Oh, back there.

Isn't it that way?

Doesn't matter.

(indistinct conversations)

First-class ticket, please.

I just came looking for the bathroom.

My ticket is in my seat.

Do you have any idea how many times a day I hear that?

Just go back where you came from.

Go back where I came from?

(chuckling) Okay.

I see how it is.

(shouting in Spanish)

So, Harriet just sent those people right into a bear cave?

She never knows what she's doing.

(laughs) What an idiot.

Excuse me.

You mind if I sit here?

Uh, no. (chuckles)

You have a beautiful smile.

Thanks. (chuckles)

They make fun of you for wearing your headgear, but, hey, look at me now.

(both laugh)

Tickets? Oh, yeah.

Uh, honey, do you have my ticket? No.

I'm pretty sure I gave you my ticket, babe.

Sorry, babe. Back to coach.

I forgive you. (chuckles)

Come find me.

(door opens) (Gloria shouting in Spanish)

"Mom has always been a free spirit."

"She has also helped to free a lot of spirits from bottles

'cause the woman's a boozehound!" Hello!

Yeah, I'm not gonna put that in.

Uh, how about this one? "The secret to her chocolate-chip cookies was a dash of salt --"

"And two scoops of crazy because the lady's imbalanced."


Claire, this is toast, not a roast.

Are you uncomfortable because, for the first time in your life, you have to be the straight man? Hello!

Saying "hello" doesn't make mean things funny.

I like it. Well, you don't get to decide.

How come you get to decide?

'Cause Mom asked me and not you.

I included you because I felt bad.


That's fine. I don't care.

You can do it yourself.

I don't care. Claire.


(stammers) Nope.

This is a $20.

When my wife shows up later, "iced tea" means Scotch.

Grandpa, do you think it's weird Nana invited you to her wedding?

I think it's the least-weird thing Dede's ever done.

Well, if she was so bad, why'd you ever marry her?

We were young.

She was cute, but the constant nuttiness of Dede wore me down, robbed me of my will to live.

One day, she pushed me off the edge.

I ran out of the house.

They found me shirtless in the local fire station.

Excuse me.

This, uh, Dede that you're speaking of -- um, is that Dede Pritchett, by chance?

Do you know her?

She's marrying my father.

You're kidding.

No. We're traveling to the wedding right now... if there is one.

I've got to call Dad.

I told you that woman was off. Just ridiculous.

I'm gonna need $18 back.

Uh, excuse me. Uh, hi, Mr. Hastings.

Um, do you know -- have they developed a cure yet?

For what?

A blown mind -- because we have two of them. (chuckles)

You're too kind. Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you.

We are just dying to know how the conductor got all the way from the front to the back, kill the ambassador, and not be seen?

There's an escape hatch in the control room.


He climbs up, crawls his way across the top of the train to the caboose.

There, his feet firmly planted, thanks to magnetic shoes, he hangs down, shoots the ambassador, then crawls back the way he came.

That is so ingenious.

How does he avoid the video cameras? Yeah.

I beg your pardon. On top of the train.

He's on a train that doesn't have any cameras.

Oh, no, they all have cameras now -- Big Brother.

I just read an article about it in Rail World, the magazine in your seat pocket -- also a great interview with amateur conductor Valerie Bertinelli.

Well, if that's true, then the murder isn't possible.

And if the ambassador is still alive, then there's no reason for Silverton to be in Nigeria.

And if that's the case, he's not at the coup, which means the whole thing doesn't work.

Dear God, I have no book.


I have no book!

Now I wish I hadn't circled the typos.

What are you still doing here? Go find him.

(sighs) I don't know.

Come on, it's a better love story than the one you're reading.

You're the beautiful, high-class, smart girl, and he's the poor boy duct-taping his shoes with a bunch of hobos in coach.

It's a $20 difference.

Alex, you got this.

Trains make guys crazy.

When were you ever on a train?

In Vegas, between my plane and the luggage area.

Stuff went down. Fine. I'll go for it.

Oh, wait.


Manny likes hats, doesn't he?

Ooh, someone's still got a crush.

I'm not proud of it.

I tried to get past it.

But, you know, trains.

Well, I think you look cute, and I bet he would, too.

Hey, you pervs.

Let me guess -- shoulders tired from striking out so hard?

It's still early.

Ooh, I see a dime piece over there.

That means she's a 10.

Yeah. I speak d-bag.

Luke, she's a little old.

Hey, Jennifer Lopez is like 90.

Doesn't mean I don't pretend she's my pillow every now and then.

How does he have prospects?

If it makes you feel any better, that one's got a big crush on you.

Manny: I guess I shouldn't have been surprised.

I've always sensed a little heat from Alex.

A woman doesn't compliment a man on his hat unless she wants to get into his blazer.


Peace offering? Thank you.

Look, I'm sorry I told you that Mom picked me for the toast and not you.

It's just that... I've always had a special relationship with her.

Sure, like the one between a witch and her flying monkey.

Don't do that. Don't use "The Wizard of Oz" against m.

Mom manipulates you.

She uses you against the rest of us.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, God, if only I could think of an example.

Oh, wait, here's one of 30.

She blew off Alex's graduation, but she didn't tell us.

She made you do it so we would all dump on you instead of her.

And now she bans me from giving a toast, and we're fighting about it.

Come on. She's using you like a human shield.

Does that seem like a healthy relationship?


Why don't you give that some thought while you're getting me a refill?

When did you even drink that?

You've been talking the whole time.

Fine. I don't get anything.

No... Hey, pal.

Before you call your dad, what I was saying about Dede was me just covering up because I lost the greatest, most stable person I've ever known.

But you seemed so angry.

It's because I can't get over her.

I've tried everything -- therapy, pills, electricity.

[voice breaking) I'm sorry. It's just that I miss her so much.

I-I'm gonna see the luckiest man in the world marry the most wonderful woman in the world, and I have nobody.

Excuse me, sir.

This woman says she's your wife.

Never seen her before.

(shouting in Spanish)

But here's someone I do know -- my son, Mitchell.

Mitchell and Dede are great pals.

Tell these lovely folks about your mother.

She's a scheming dragon woman hell-bent on destroying everyone around her.

You pick today to realize that?!

You're welcome. I finally got him to see Mom for who she really is -- a nasty, old nutjob.

But she's someone else's problem now, huh?

Mm-hmm. Wait a minute. You know what?

I don't know these people, either.

Let's go. Excuse me. (sighs)

Pardon us.

Hi. I'm Haley.

Pleasure. I'm a massive fraud.

Sounds like you need a drink.

I'm not sure that's a good idea.

I used to have something of a --

Oh, come on. I feel weird drinking alone.

I don't. I just wanted him to pay.

The last time I was this bladdered, I parked my fist right in Salman Rushdie's smug gob.


Do you know Adele? Oh.

-There he is. -Hey. Just checking in. Hi.

Ooh, celebrating solving your problem?

After 10 years of paralyzing writer's block, I at last felt that I was drinking directly from the teat of the muse.

But she was no muse. She was a succubus.

Such a gift for language.

At the next stop, I'm going to burn this book.

That is bad-ass. No! What?

Yes. It will be the last act of my career.

Well, not counting the panel discussion in Portland.

It would be rude to cancel.

There's a wine-and-cheese reception.

You have to finish.

What if we proved it could happen?

Maybe there's another way for the murderer to get to the caboose and back.

I've filled the train with characters who cannot know that the engineer has left his post.

(brakes squealing) It's hopeless!

Wait. Did we just stop?

No. I don't think so. No. Mnh-mnh.

(imitates train chugging)

(imitates train whistle blowing)

Look how beautiful California is.

The best part about taking the train, as I often do for my work with, uh, the children, has got to be the scenery.

Yeah? What's your favorite spot?

Well, I'd have to say the spot where, uh... the Rio Grande pours into Lake Superior.

Huh. I don't think I've seen that.

Can you excuse me for just a pinch?


What are you doing?

Getting swollen 'cause that's how you close.

(grunts) Oh, by the way, if you see a tie on our door, Luke's starting to score.

It's a little hard to root for you right now.

So, where were we?

Is this your first time seeing the Central Coast, Big Sur?

No, it's not, little miss. (chuckles)

I can't wait to watch the sunset over the Andes tonight.

Not like my view right now isn't fantastic.

You're cute. (exhales sharply)

You know, if you're into it, I think I could show you a few things.

(loudly) Uh... it's a little loud in here.

Maybe we should go somewhere more quiet.




(indistinct conversations)

You're so serious. (chuckles)

I want to make sure I capture your beauty.

Can I see yet?

I hope you like it.


So, he's not an artist.

Who cares? (chuckles)

(up-tempo fiddle music playing)

(loud, indistinct conversations)

People in first class think they have it made with their early boarding and their slightly cleaner seats.

But they don't know what living is.

(rhythmic clapping)

I'll take a long line for the bathroom if that bathroom is in heaven.

(music stops)

I'm so glad you came back here.

Me, too.

This feels weird.

Do you have a compartment?

I do, but how will you get up there?

I'll find a way. I promise.

Oh, by the way, I'm in compartment 18B, as in, "Boy, are you cute."

(giggles awkwardly)

Idiot. Just keep walking.

Got it. ♪ I have a signal ♪ Oh, good. Guys, guys, guys, come on.

The only signal we need is this.

My kids in the back -- They don't hate Dede.

They're preparing a roast for the wedding.

That's how our family shows love.

You'll get a taste of it at the reception.

What are you, Italian?

We'll do a whole thing, unless you shoot the place up first.

Oh. See? That kind of stuff.

Jay Pritchett, I am going to strangle you!

I don't know why you're pretending that you don't know me, but I'm sure it's for some stupid and selfish reason!

She really is your wife?

For now.

Pretty soon, you're gonna be getting on a train to my next wedding.

You're driving me insane.

Oh, I see what's going on. Don't listen to her.

Dede's not crazy. You are.

Sure. That works.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Carl. Uh, my father's marrying Dede.

Yes, he is, and let's celebrate. Drinks on me.

(chuckles) What the heck. And, again, I'm sorry to have worried you guys about Dede.

Oh, please. It's not like Carl's father is such a prize. (chuckles) (chuckles nervously)

What? He snapped and burned your mom's house down.

(chuckles nervously) She's kidding.

Uh, we're doing a roast, too.

Yeah, right. Your mother was almost a roast.

We needed to prove that the crime was feasible, so I would play the role of engineer/murderer.

And I would play the role of everyone else.

When my hometown theater's production of "Robin Hood" was lacking a leading lady, I stepped into the role of Maid Marian in addition to playing the Friar.

Tuck? Didn't have to.

The costume hid it quite nicely.

Sunday dinner!


The Turkish ambassador's bodyguard was instructed to neutralize anyone who looks suspicious.



It's Turkish for "from the top."

I have a lot of downtime while you're resetting.



Did you forget Count Maxim du Vernay brought his service shar-pei?

If I'm being honest, I skimmed that part.


(knock on door)

Hi. You ready for me?

I believe I've Googled everything I need to know.

(exhales sharply)

So, let's get started.

This is California.

Lake Superior is here, all the way across --

Are you trying to take off my shoe?

I thought you wanted to show me things.

I do.

I'm a geography teacher, and, boy, do you need one.

Are you kidding me?

If her new husband is an arsonist, you guys have to tell her.

Everybody, calm down. The guy burned down one house.

He's not in jail, so he's got the government's A-okay.

I recently discovered I have some issues with Mom, but I love her.

I don't want her to wake up in a burning house just so you don't have to pay alimony.

I love Mom, too... usually.

But if this wedding doesn't happen, you know where she's gonna end up in 10 years -- su casa

Besides, the first wife obviously drove the guy nuts.

How do we know your mother's gonna --

Oh, geez.

Cindy: Luke, you're such a quick learner.

Luke: Thanks. I had no idea that was there.

(sighs) Alex: Come in.

Is that you? Uh-huh.

I'll be out in a second.

This is so naughty.

I was going to see Alex and let her down easy.

I mean, she's family. It's taboo.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't be judgy, especially when, you know, trains.

Ooh. Dark. I like it.

(both scream)

I-I was going to let you down!

You sure did!

Well, your hat was garish.

Excuse me.

Have any of you guys seen the guy I was dancing with earlier?

So, it turns out James got off right after I left him.

On a possibly unrelated note, my wallet is gone.


Mr. Hastings, we did it.

We made it to the caboose and back without being seen.

Your book works.

I can't believe it. Are you sure?

Yes! Yes.

It's a combination of slithering, clever disguise, and not to write the book for you, but it would help if the Count had a wooden hand.

Well, I was sort of in that area anyway.

A thousand thank-yous.

(chuckles) Silverton lives!

(laughs) Yay!

Hi. Oh, you guys are doing that book thing, right?

Yeah. Well, I don't know if this helps at all, but I was just talking to the engineer.

It turns out he can't leave the controls because of what's called a dead man's switch.

If he takes his foot off of it, the whole train stops.

Anyway, you're welcome.

If the engineer can't leave the controls, then...

He can't commit the murder. It's over.

Hastings, we are so sorry.

(groans) It's time to rid myself of this 500-hundred page stain.

Wait! No! No, no, no, no!

Open, damn you! No, no!

Wait! Wait!

Is that the back of the train?

(train whistle blows)

Yep. This is the famous horseshoe turn.

Only two of them in the continental United States, one of which is here in California, which is in North America.

Sadly, I know all of this now. That's it.

The engineer -- He never has to leave the controls.

He waits for the horseshoe turn.

Then he plugs the Earl in the caboose. I heard it.

This is brilliant!

I can't believe you two clowns have saved my book.

Actually, it's just one clown.

One magician.

(tablet dings) Hey, Mom! Hi! Hi, Mom!

Well, hello, original family.

Dede, we have something we have to tell you.

Now, I know there's a delicate way to say this.

Just can't think of it.

Your fiancé's a pyro.

He burnt down his ex-wife's house.

It's just like you three to try to ruin my big day.

Mom, we just thought you should know.

Jerry told me everything.

Trust me. She had it coming.

The woman's "cah-razy."

So, you're okay he's a firebug?

He's passionate, Jay.

He knows how to express his feelings, unlike you.

Maybe if you had burned our house down, we'd still be together.

My mistake. You're right, Dede.

Great, Mom. See you at the wedding. Bye.

Claire, you're not mad at me about your seating arrangements? Why? Where am I sitting?

Mitchell, tell her. Got to run.

(tablet beeps)

You're not sitting at the family table.


Phil sent me his Silverton fan fiction, "Open House, Closed Casket."

"He looked up at the pristine crown molding in the great room and felt the breeze of the recently updated central air.

'Mrs. Coruthers, just as this desirable corner lot was split in half, so, too, is Mr. Coruthers.'

The widow gasped and steadied herself on the granite kitchen island, a fitting metaphor for how alone she felt, despite being walking distance to a vibrant shopping district and wonderful schools."

I've been avoiding him for the last two weeks.

(telephone rings) Don't answer that!