Modern Family S7E3 Script

The Closet Case (2015)

There you go. A nice Yummy breakfast.

Hey, where's the little leprechaun?

Oh, I think he's still getting dressed.

No, on the box. This isn't our normal cereal.

Well, because this is the store brand, but (crunches) it's delicious.

Okay, guess what. I just got an offer to handle a case.

Good, because I think this cereal is mostly sawdust.

It is great, it's just there's, um...slight complication.

It's for Closets, Closets...

I don't like where this is going. ...Closets...

Don't say it. ...Closets (gasps)

What did you think the last word might be?

Mitchell, you can't work for your father's rival.

Hey, wait. Why does Grandpa have a rival?

Oh, who knows? Betrayal.

Because 30 years ago, your grandfather's business partner and best friend, Earl Chambers, stole his Rolodex with all of his clients and started his own company on a day that is now known as Black Wednesday Afternoon.

Nobody calls it that.

Look, I know that there's some history there, but can't we all just move on?

Your father hasn't.

He still crank calls Earl every year on the anniversary of the day that is now known as Black Wednesday Afternoon.

I really need this job.

At least tell your dad first and spare him the pain I felt when I found out you were still getting your hair cut at Miguel's.

Wait, what did Miguel do to you again?

He recommended a shampoo for thinning hair, Mitchell.

Maybe we can use this to fix the loose tile in the bathroom.


Hey, Mr. Dunphy, can we have just a moment of your time?

Come on, now. How long have we known each other?

We should be on a first-name basis.

Better yet, a nickname basis, Vitamin D.

Glad to hear you say that, 'cause, um, we have a favor to ask you.

You know how Dyl--

Vitamin D has his own t-shirt business?

Oh, I should've seen this coming.

Um...yes, I will model for you, but I'm gonna need to own the negatives.

Okay, great.

Also, we were kind of hoping that Dylan could stay in the basement with me for a little while.

Oh. He's trying to save up to build inventory, and rent is killing him.

It feels like they're asking for money, like, every six weeks.

I don't know, guys.

Moving in together, that's a big step.

It's just for a little while.


(chuckles) I guess if your mom's okay with it, I'm okay with it.

Oh, um, and could you ask her for us?

I'll give it a shot, but it'll be the second thing I've talked her into this morning, and it'll be a lot trickier now that she's fully awake.

Hey, hon. Do you have a minute?

Just. I can't be late to work.

We are unveiling a new closet today -- The Trulhatten.

It's Swedish, it's cheap, it's modern.

We're gonna grab Ikea by the meatballs.

Listen, I was talking to Haley and Dylan -- Ugh.

They want to know if he can stay in the basement for a few weeks.

Oh, Phil, I think that's a bad idea.

They're adults, and Dylan really has been getting his act together. This doesn't bother you?

I don't enjoy having to get your approval for everything, but that's the deal I made.

Haley and Dylan in her bedroom.

They're doing what they're doing.

I say we be evolved about it.


If you're really okay with our precious daughter shacking up with her ne'er-do-well boyfriend, so be it.

I just don't want them sneaking around like we had to.

The scariest moment of my life was that pantsless conversation I had with your dad through the Dutch door.

(Skype ringing)

How lazy are you?

If you want to talk to us, just come downstairs.

Luke, I'm at college. I don't even live there anymore.

And.. you have been missed.

Whatever. I'll try mom in the car.

I really need to talk to her about something.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

(chuckles) I'm here for you.

What's wrong?

Well, okay. It's Sanjay.

I feel like he's been avoiding me.


I know. He's been really distant.

Uh, tell me all about it.

And don't worry. Take all the time you need.

Well (sighs) he never really texts me back anymore.

Maybe I should confront him about it?

Yes! Do it!

Yeah. You know what? You are right.

I'm totally going to call him right now, and I'm going to tell him he can't treat me this way.

No, no, no. No, no, please don't.

Fine, whatever. I get it. I'll give him some more space.

You could practice right now and take a scootch to your right.


Who are you talking to?


My brother.

He's cute. Mm.

Hi, Alex's brother.

(deep voice) Hey. I'm Luke.

Who are you?

Ugh. Brie.

(chuckles) I live down the hall.

Just borrowing a dress. Thanks, Alex. Mm.

Bye. Bye, Luke.

I-I lift weights! (beep)

(cellphone rings, beeps) Hey, what's up?

Manny, you and I are going to college.

You sure are, buddy.

Who cares what that guidance counselor said?

Look, there's a girl in my sister's dorm who's super into me, and she's got a hot roommate for you.

How hot? Use your imagination.

Holy cow.

I guess it would help take my mind off of Carly.

Should we talk about what color ties we're gonna wear so we don't clash?

Click. (beep)

GLORIA: Manny.

So, who is this Carly?

Carly Stevenson. She's my cheerleader, but I don't think she's too happy about it.

What do you mean that she's your cheerleader?

It's a football tradition.

They pair each player with a cheerleader, and then they're supposed to decorate the locker, bake them cookies, wear their hair the way he likes it.

It's fun for everybody.

Yesterday, all the other players' lockers looked like Mardi Gras floats.

My locker, nothing.

Maybe your Carly's busy, but I'm sure she's gonna do something nice for you.

(doorbell rings)

I remember my cheerleader, Donna Deritzio.

She got busy and did something nice for me, if you catch my meaning.

Oh! Mitchell. You're the first to arrive.

Come on, I'll make you a drink.

No, dad. I'm not here for a party.

Oh, good. I thought I forgot someone's birthday again.

Listen, there's something I want to talk to you about.

Um, I got an offer to handle a case, but I'm a little worried about who it's for.

What's the matter now? Killing whales?

Drilling for oil? Child labor?

'Cause let me tell you something.

I had a paper route when I was 7 years old, and you know what it gave me?

A work ethic and a right arm like Popeye.

No, dad, it --

I'd be working for Closets, Closets, Closets --

Next word better not be closets.

Of course it's Closets!

Now I'm confused.

Are you talking about Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets, or Of Course It's Closets?

'Cause Roy Carson's a straight shooter, and poor guy has a son who's not quite right.

Are you really making me say this again?

It's Closets, Closets -- you're not working for that Rolodex-stealin Earl Chambers!

It's just short term, a few weeks.

You know why he's doing this?!

Because I'm a good lawyer who handled a similar case for you last year.

He's doing this to mess with me!

I was referred by another lawyer.

I doubt Earl even knows about it.

That Rolodex was full of A-list clients.

Your Erik Estradas, your Fran Tarkentons, your Leslie Uggums.

I'm sorry, are these real names? What about that probate?

Who did you mess that up? Client's dead.

Okay, this is crazy.

Why am I worried about your feelings when you obviously have no concern for mine?

Y-- (snaps fingers) I'm taking that job.

It's like a Hatfield working for a McCoy.

If a Hatfield ever worked for a McCoy, maybe it would've ended that ridiculous family feud.

Richard Dawson!

Also in the Rolodex! Also in the Rolodex!

Haley, did you take my phone charger again?

HALEY: What?

Do you have my charger?!

I can't hear you. Just text me.

I wish I could!

I really need you to get your own charger, honey.

Oh, you're both in the bed together.

Dad, it's fine. Yeah.

Our room is your room, Philibuster.

Thank you, Dylan.

Uh, anyway, just, uh, looking for my charger.

Oh. Sorry, Dad, it's not here.

Guess I'll just get used to not having any power.

(door closes)



Carly? Yeah?

I thought so. Who are you?

I am Manny's mother, and I want to know why you haven't done a better job at decorating his locker.

Because it's a stupid sexist tradition.

Why don't the players decorate our lockers?

That's a very good question you should have asked yourself before becoming a cheerleader.


Buy yourself something pretty

(angrily) and put it on my son's locker.

Mrs. Delgado-Pritchett, may I please see you in my office?

Okay, I want a new cheerleader for Manny.

Give me this yearbook and I'm gonna pick one for him.

No. Even if I did think that was a good idea, I'm not gonna abuse my position of power in the school.

You share an office with a tetherball.

You have to just let nature take its course, just like this webcam I've been watching.

It's a live stream of wild otters.

I forget, is it the small hairy men or the tall not hairy men?

Small hairy, but these are actual otters. Look.

See, this mama otter just gave birth to twins.

Now, the little one, he's struggling, but do you see the mama doting on him?

No, you do not.

Well, if you ask me, she's being a terrible mother.

She should be filling him with confidence and fish like I do to Manny.

High school is difficult. It's part of the experience.

And that's not a bad thing.

Learning how to handle disappointment and overcoming adversity, that's part of the reason I am where I am today.

Chuck, no. No, no, no. There's no more room in here.

I beg you, please!

Conference room is down there.

Oh, very nice.

This is Mr. Chambers' office.

Oh, he's in. Let me introduce you.

Earl, am I bothering you?

Nothing's bothering me. I'm gonna be in Time magazine.

Closet Time. Shut up.

This is the attorney... Okay. All right, all right.

...handling the Fowler case, Mitchell...

Just call me Mitchell. ...Pritchett.

(stammers) Pritchett?

Mitch Pritchett.

Son of that son of a bitch Jay Pritchett?

Reporting for duty. Don't bother unpacking that briefcase.

I cannot have a Pritchett hanging around here.

I got too much sensitive information your dad would love to get his hands on.

That was a takeout menu. I don't want that man to know where I eat.

(camera shutter clicks)

I'm just here to do a job.

I don't care what happened between you and my dad 30 years ago.

Has it really been that long?

I was little when the whole thing started.

I used to call you Uncle Earl.

I remember that. You were a cute kid.

Hey, did you ever solve that Rubik's Cube?

I got three sides.

Not bad.

What the hell? You can stay.

Maybe you working here can be the beginning of a new chapter between our two families.

I'll tell you what, you tell your dad if he wants to bury the hatchet, dinner's on me.

Oh, really?



(camera shutter clicks) Okay.

I just wish my dad was as reasonable as you.

Thank you very much. Now get out of here.

I got to get my cover shot.

You're not on the cover. Shut up!

What are you two doing here?

Reaching out to a family member in distress.

You sounded pretty upset yesterday So, you drove all the way down here?

That's so sweet.

Hey, we're here for you.

How are you feeling? What's new?

Where's your friend Brie's room?

Ugh. Down the hall to the left.

Just go.

Do you have a steam iron?

Because I would love to give this blazer a --

Ugh Hi, honey. Hey.

Sorry I'm so late. Work was so crazy today.

From the moment I got there, it was just one problem after another.

But all just closet stuff, right?

Yeah. Listen.

I want to apologize about the whole Dylan thing.

Um...I wasn't taking your feelings into consideration.

I know how uncomfortable you are with him sleeping in Haley's room, so...

I think we should reconsider.


Hey. Look at me.

This is as much your house as it is mine.

I know that.

Let's go kick him out.

Hey, guys. Can we talk for a second?

What's up? Actually, let's sit down.

There's something pretty important we need to discuss.

Okay, whoa.

This is exactly how it started out when I found out my father wasn't really in space.

Anyway, um, after some careful consideration...


...your mother has something to say.

Claire, you're up.

CLAIRE: That was the moment I realized Phil wanted me to kick Dylan out so he could be the cool one.

Well, I can be cool, too.

I'm cooler than cool. I'm frigid.

Mom, what is it?

We were thinking about having pizza for dinner.


Mm-hmm. Claire.

I know we had it a couple of days ago, but I'm too tired to cook. Hmm.

I'm gonna go change my clothes.

Claire, um...honey. (clears throat)

That was weird.

You know what's weird?

Thinking your dad's on the moon, then seeing him working at the mall.

Claire, what was that?

I thought we were giving Dylan the boot.

Yeah, but then I suddenly realized I'm being so unfair.

You like having Dylan here.

Yeah, but --

Honey, look at me.

This is as much your house as mine.

It is? Now go order the pizza.

It's getting late and those two are heading off to bed soon.

Oh, hey, Mitchell, you're in luck.

There's room for another knife in my back.

I just came here to tell you to your face that you're wrong about Earl.

He is not that bad a guy.

I've seen him eat a panda steak.

He is a little rough around the edges, but, look, he wants the rivalry to end.


You know, he's not the problem.

You are. You.

So blinded by pettiness.

You can't even see when a man's extending an Olive branch, and -- oh, my God. What?

I just realized there are two sides to every story, and who am I to discount yours?

We should go inside and we should -- (horn honking)

You were saying?

Nothing. I'm never saying anything ever again.




Yes Streamers, twinkle lights.

"Sexy Manny"?

I hope there's a number to a good therapist in here.

I don't have time for this.


What is this?

Well, well, well.

Would you look at that?

I said to leave things alone, and what do you know?

The cheerleader came through, so apology accepted.

What are you talking about?

She did this because I scared her.

Well, whether we were both right or just me, the point is things worked themselves out, so I think we can go home.


(gasps) Carly, hello.

Thank you so much for doing such a great job on Manny's locker.

I haven't decorated it yet.

What? But then who would -- well, I guess we'll never (chuckling) know, so...


Okay, fine, I did it.

What happened with letting mother nature take its course like the otters in your computer?

The little one's dead. What?

The mother, she did nothing while an eagle pecked it apart.

Nature is cruel. Ah.

You decorated Manny's locker?

I decorated eight of them.

This tradition's on fumes.

All right.

So, this is it, huh?

The rat's nest.

Well, well, well, aloha, Jack Lord.

I remember you from my Rolodex.

I'm so embarrassed. I can't believe I fell for it.

Well, at least you finally realized this is not some silly rivalry.

Now let me get at his cigars so I can drag my deal across it.

Okay, I have to say, the Scotch is starting to wear off and I'm having second thoughts about this plan, dad.

What's there to think about?

You take a picture of me dragging my deal across the cigars, we give him enough time to smoke them, and we send the photo to Earl.

First of all, Earl will then have a picture of you with your pants down, and I'll have that same picture in my brain for the rest of my life.

Suddenly you're squeamish about seeing another man's deal?

The man made a fool of you, Mitchell!

You're right. I'm overthinking it.

Whip it out.

Keep your deal in your pants, Pritchett!

Okay, does everybody call it a deal?

How have I never heard of this?

You've gone too far this time, Earl.

Bringing my family into this.

Yeah. How could you? I trusted you.

I defended you to my father, and you made me look like a fool!

And all for what? Closets.

You mean the place that people start each day, choosing an outfit that gives them the confidence to achieve their dreams?

Or that magical space that turns a bonus room into a bedroom and a house into a home?

Thanks to cheap materials, your closets turn a house into a fire trap!

We pleaded no contest.

That is not an admission of guilt.

I'm doing it. I'm taking my deal out.

The hell you are! Get! Get!

(both grunting)

I'll crush your skull like an egg!

(both yelling)

And they say by the end of the semester, we'll know how to sequence a genome.

I don't know about genomes, but on my father's side of the family, we do have a garden gnome.

He uses a mushroom as an umbrella.


Manny, you're up.

Can I just say it's so amazing spending some time with you two.

I am so sick of superficial, self-absorbed high-school girls.

Oh, my God, I hated high-school girls.

The worst are cheerleaders.

They used to make fun of me behind my back brace.

Well, brace yourself for this.

You look hot now.

Manny, you're up.

Forgive my friend.

It's just that you two are so beautiful, it's a little intimidating.


College isn't going the way we thought.

Neither of us has kissed a guy since we got here.


You mean us?

Yeah. Now?

In accordance with campus regulations, you have our consent.


Thank you. I'll be right back.

(door opens)

Gum, gum, gum. I need gum.

I don't have any.

(gasps) Thanks.

I finally got through to Sanjay.

Um...sounds personal.

I don't want to stick my nose into your --

He broke up with me.

He's seeing someone else.

Um, you probably want to be alone right now.

(voice breaking) I am alone.



Come on.

You'll be okay.


That's, uh...

That's really all I got.

(door opens)

Luke, hurry up.

They're starting to come to their senses.

Go. It's fine.

I'm gonna stay with Alex.

Is there anything I can do?

I don't think so.

Okay, pray for me.

Well, there you are.

Didn't quite work out like we planned, but I did get that staple in his head.

You have to understand I did it for the right reasons.

I was -- I was just looking out for my family, but... you're my family, too.

You know what the best part of tonight was?

It wasn't just me against Earl.

It was us against him.

I liked that.

I did too. Yeah.

And I promise I will never side with anyone else ever again.

Unless, of course, you're wrong, 'cause I still do have my principles.

(chuckling) okay.

Just get out of the car.

First I have to give you this.

It's my old Rolodex! Yeah.

I stole it out of his office.

But how? When?

You guys were rolling around under that desk for about 10 minutes.

After I grabbed it, I had time to return some e-mails.

Thank you for this.

It's a huge deal.

That word's kind of tainted for me now, so...

(both giggling)

You guys cold? I can turn up the heat, get you out from underneath that blanket.

We're good, L.A.P.D.

(chuckles) (laughs)

As bad as I wanted Dylan out, I wasn't gonna flinch.

Phil needed to do it.

He needed to be as tough as that eagle on the Internet.

Dumb otter never saw it coming.

Oh, stop! That tickles!


You all right, Phil?

Yeah, just enjoying the movie.

Oh, you are? It's not even scary.

Like, that is the lamest sea monster I've ever seen.

That's 'cause you can see it.

It is way scarier if you can only imagine what's going on beneath the surface.

(laughing) Aah! That's it!

I'm done! Oh!

Haley, Dylan, this little living arrangement of yours, it's not working out and it's about to change.

Dad, why are you freaking out? Because I'm your father and I can't have the two of you sleeping together in the same room like it's no big deal.

So, from now on, you're gonna show me the respect I deserve and sneak around behind my back.

Do what, now?

I don't understand. Starting tonight, you're sleeping in Alex's room, and if there's any monkey business, better happen after I'm asleep.

Are you serious?!

I'm okay with that. Me too.

I'm not okay with that.

I'm not okay with any of that.

Haley, you need to start focusing on your job.

Dylan you're moving out tomorrow.

End of discussion!

Sorry. I'm not the cool mom.

CLAIRE: Not the cool mom.

Hey, guys, I tried. (chuckles)





(screams) (screams)

What are you doing in my bed?!

Waiting for your dad to fall asleep.

What is going on in here?!

Alex, why are you home?

(voice breaking) Sanjay broke up with me.

Aww. Ohh.


Everything will be fine.

Just go sleep with Haley.