Modern Family S7E4 Script

She Crazy (2015)

Okay, who would hate to miss the chance of a lifetime by not helping me build a duck village today?

That was some tricky wording.

That's how he gets us.

I got it -- I would not hate to miss the chance of a lifetime by not helping you.

But only 'cause I have work.

I've got a driving lesson.

Uh, something.

Honey, you found those eggs weeks ago, and they still haven't hatched.

Should you prepare yourself for the possibility that they might be...


-Dead. -What?!

Can you believe your sister?

Yeah, I do. They're dead.

The only thing that's dead in this kitchen is your childlike sense of wonder.

Morning, dunphys.

Oh, still no ducks, huh?

Fascinating creatures. I just read a book about them.

You did?

Yes, mom. Dylan reads.

It was my nephew's book.

It was about a duck and a penguin who go on vacation together.

You could touch the duck's fuzz.


That's the sound she makes when she wants me to fast-forward.

I feel you, money.

Claire does the same thing to me.

I think it started when I was inventing that new dental floss.


So, the book said ducklings imprint on their mom as soon as they're born.

Their brains are so small, they just latch on to something and follow it around as a way to find food.


So, Dylan, I'm building a duck village later.

-You want to help? -Whoa, whoa.

That's some tricky wording on that question.

He'd love to, but he's still --

[ crackling ]

It's time! Boil some towels!

Every time I have an egg? Really?

-- Captions by vitac -- captioning provided by 20th century fox television and abc, inc.

And brought to you by Ford. We go further, so you can.

♪♪ Tucker goes deep!

Watch it.


Hut, hut, hut! Munch, you open?

[ Deep voice ] Oh, he's open!

Right there! There it is! Boom!

[ Laughs ] [ Clapping ]

We have been renting the upstairs unit to some frat boys from cam's old college.

They're here for some big game and to try and get on "the price is right."

Unfortunately for me, it has brought out cam's "bromosexual" side.

-Epic throw, bro. -Yeah!

Actually, that is a cashmere throw, which now has a footprint on it.

Dudes, beer pong!

Pong, pong, pong!

Beers are in the fridge, bros.

Fridge, fridge, fridge, fridge!

-No, hang on, bro. -[ Normal voice ] What's up, sweetie?

Oh, look who's back.

Um, so I see that you invited your friends again today.

Yeah, aren't they fun? And how cute is jace?

We held hands earlier.

We were arm wrestling, but it still counts.

-Uh-huh. -We found the fridge!

Yo, you did!


That's jace.

How many s's in "jace"? I heard 12.

I'm just trying to make our guests feel comfortable.

All right, let's do this!

Why is daddy talking like that?

She crazy.

[ Sighs ]

[ Speaking Spanish on TV ]

[ Sighs ]

-[ Sighs ] -Ay, what is it?!

You can always tell when something's wrong.

What is her name?

Chelsea, the prettiest barista who's ever served me a double-shot half-caff caramel macchiato with a dusting of cinnamon.

I want to talk to her, but whenever I do, all I can say is, "mmmm."

Maybe you used up all your words ordering that coffee.

Why are you so scared?

Any woman would be so lucky to look into those beautiful eyes and listen to that sweet voice.

-She's so -- -shh! My show is on!

[ Speaking Spanish ]

Ay, que Linda...

Mariela morales is my favorite actress, and she's staying in a hotel in town under the fake name carmelita contreras.

I am going to wait for her at the lobby, and I know I sound like a stalker, but -- but this is very different, because when we meet, we're going to be best friends.

I can already smell her hair.

Okay, commercials.

So, this is what you're going to do.

First you're gonna take me to the hotel to meet mariela.

I'm gonna invite her over for dinner tonight.

She has a charity event at 5:00, but they're not serving food.

-Stalker. -While I'm with mariela, you're gonna go back to your coffee girl and you're gonna give her the chance to get to know you.

-You really think I -- -shh!

Commercial is over.

-This show again? -Yes.

I don't know what it is. I love this character so much.

Itengo sed!

Who's the old crank?

Her husband, of course.

¿Por qué nadie me quiere?

Who's the disaster with the scarf?

Her son, pepito.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

You at least look like your guy.

-My guy -- -can it, pepito.

-Hey, honey. -Hmm?

Can you read that?

-"Quack Nicholson." -Oh, good.

If I spent the whole morning painting these tiny duck mailboxes and no one could read them, I'd feel pretty ridiculous.

Phil, duck feed!

Hey, that's almost my name.

Or "I'm sorry"?

You're right. I'm sorry. I'll, uh --

I'll sweep that up in a minute.

Just come over here and help dust me off.

I've got an important meeting, and I can't go into the office covered in flaxseed.

It's actually a proprietary blend of oats, grub worms, and cricket parts.

-And we're dusting. -Yeah, sorry.

Yeah. You're not nervous about the meeting today, are you?

Yeah, I am.

This is the first time I'm pitching closet-design ideas to my dad and his pretentious creative team.

You mean the young guys with the walking sticks

-at the Christmas party? -Yes.

They don't think anybody in corporate can do what they do, but my ideas are good.

Or they suck. [ Doorbell rings ]

Luke: I've got it!

I'm sure your ideas are great. Stop doubting.

The more you believe in yourself, the more they will.

Thank you.

-Hey, nerds. -Ha!

-Hi. -Hi.

-Ignore this. -Oh, yeah.

So, what's this super-fun project you want me to help you with?

We are building a duck village.

-Oh. -Um, hey, mom, my driving instructor just canceled on me.

Oh, shoot, fine. Fine, I'll take you.

Oh, shoot, fine. I'll sit in the back.

No, no, no. You're gonna stay here and help Phil.

Let's go meet your cousins.

Well, thanks, Uncle Mitch.


You know Luke has failed that driver's test twice now, right?

My options today are frat house, duck village, or car crash.

I'm feeling very comfortable with my decision.

-Okay. -Yeah.

What are you doing with those lights?

I'm trying to get some heat on these eggs.

Due to a grocery mishap, they spent about seven minutes in the fridge.

So, uh, eggs he found a month ago, building a whole village for them now...

How's everything at home? Okay?

There is some debate as to the alive-ness of the ducklings.

But I have to say, living with that kind of belief and optimism, it just rubs off on you.

I am just gonna...

This should keep my eggs warm.

You're so quiet. What am I doing wrong?


Silence makes me nervous.

Talk about something.

Tell me about your day.

Uh, okay.

Well, this morning, uh, I woke up and almost got my nose broken by a football.

We have some frat guys staying upstairs, and cam hangs out with them a lot.

And you're not okay with that?

I don't know. I-I guess.

[ Sighs ] Who cares?

Come on, let me in.

Okay, if I'm being honest, I find cam's behavior a little embarrassing, you know, with all of his "yos" and "bros."

I mean, calm down.

You're a middle-aged gay man who punctuates sentences with your hip.


I know. It feels good to admit it, you know?

Go on.

You know what else is really irritating?

How needy he is with them.

[ Rap music playing ]

Let me in.

What up, bro?

Do you seriously not know how loud you're being?

The neighbors are complaining.

I give you guys respect, and you give me nothing.

I mean, we -- we -- [ All talking at once ]

Got you! [ Laughs ]


You should have seen your faces.

-Oh. -You were like, "what?

W-we -- we really are j-just so sorry!"

-You got us. -That was a good one, bro.

You got to do shots with us.

-Okay. -Munch, get the jaeger.

Munch: Yeah, should we serve the potion in cups of Dixie?

-Or the -- -just get it, dude.


I just had the sickest idea.

Caminal should join our mission.

Who's caminal? Am I -- am I caminal?

You want -- you want me to go on a mission?

Of course! You're auto-bid, dog.

Okay, what is this mission?

This first.

Presenting lord and lady jaeger.

Does this smell the way it's supposed to smell, or...

We were low, and I had to mix.

Presenting lord and lady jaeger-cuervo-weiser.

Cam! Cam! Cam!

Oh, yeah.

All: Whoo!


Ew, ew.


So, that's just the rough idea.

If you want to see more sketches, just check out my closetcloud account.

Um, look, I know I'm just a suit in this company, but I've got to say, I'm a little underwhelmed.

I love it. By the reaction from the rest of you suits.

Come on, we're a family. Right?

So, honey, are we all set for our pitch with George Ross

-this afternoon? -Yes, sir.

What did I tell you about "honey" at the office?


Okay, so, if there's nothing else -- actually, um, if -- if you don't mind, I'd like to show you some designs of my own.

So, corporate is pitching creative ideas now?

I know I don't look like I just rode to work on my skateboard.

[ Chuckles ] Snap. Look at you.

But for people who are paid to think outside the box, you people are pretty inside the box when it comes to the box we call the mighty closet.

-Lights. -So I guess we're doing this.

I like to call this model the ambassador.

After the success of our royal renaissance series, I thought, "why not brushed brass for the valet rods?"

Been done. Lights.

What? I'm -- I'm sorry.

We tried it five years ago. It didn't work.

Silk shirts slip off the brass.

Oh. Okay.

Well, I'm just getting started.


This model features a hidden tilt-out hamper.

-That's a terrific idea. -I'm glad you think so. what Ken Sutton's boss told him when he pitched it in 1992.


You've got to know your history.

-Mm-hmm. -Honestly.

Mm-hmm. So, it's -- it's originality you're looking for.

You're not seriously coming in here, pitching me the Tennessee slider.

-Wow. -Wow.


Is that the best you've got?


Okay, I think we're done here.


[ Elevator bell dings ]

Hey, mom.

Oh, hi, Manny.

How did it go with your coffee girl?

Really great, actually. Yeah, I --

-you're lying. -How could you tell?

I couldn't. You just confessed.

I got up to the counter and panicked.

I bought two Christmas cds, a muffin I didn't need, then left.

Ay, Manny, please just talk to her.

She's like everybody else. What's wrong with you?

Mom, I'm not you.

When I walk into a room, everyone's head doesn't turn.

People don't laugh extra hard at my jokes.

The world is different for people like you.

-Ay, Manny, but you -- -I don't -- really don't want to talk about it anymore. [ Elevator bell dings ]

You better hurry. You're gonna miss your chance.

[ Gasps ] Okay, stay right here.

I'll be right back.

Mariela! Mariela morales!



[ Shouting gibberish ]

Ma-Mariel-- ay, what's wrong with me?


Somebody order six large pizzas?

Hey, uh, somebody pay the pizza guy.

Can I help you?

Uh, yeah. We're here for the party.

We should be on the list.

Oh. Aw, yeah, my bad.

Yeah, see, for a second, I thought you guys were just a couple Illinois douches who thought that I'd be dumb enough just to let you walk in --

[ bottle rockets exploding ]

What the hell?!


Go, go!

Meet at the rendezvous!

So, this is the post office, 'cause where else are they gonna get their "bills"?

Of course, you got to waddle past this guy to get to the nail salon.

And word on the street is they're putting in a crossfit next door.

Why are these two eggs sticky?

Uh, because the neighbor's dog is a real slobberer, but lucky, he's not very fast.

My teacher says that there's no such thing as weird, just different.

Aw, that's a lovely random thought.

I drew up plans for a duckingham palace, but I can't find them, so I guess we'll just have to "wing" it.

[ Quacks ]

What the heck is that?

Oh, it's a duck call to make the ducklings feel safe.

Should there be another adult present?


But there should be a kid present.

That kid is you.

You've got your whole life to roll your eyes.

Today isn't just about building a duck village.

It's about building your smile.

Don't fight it.

There it is. [ Quacks ]

As you can see, our little duck harbor has a working lighthouse.

Wait a second -- what in the world did he just say?

A working lighthouse? Yes, it is working.

Pretty cool, huh?

Easy -- easy, lily.

Forget everything you've ever heard about eggs.

They're actually quite delicate.

You've got to be very care-- son of a -- aah!

-Oh, no! -Aah!

Oh! Aah! Hot!

Hot, hot!



We've got a runner!


[ Blows ]

Hey, good as new.

Uh, she crazy.

He makes me feel like an outsider in my own home, and...

Now that I think about it, ever since we started renting that upstairs apartment...

Do we want to take this detour?

No, it's relevant. Stay with me.

It's not just the frat boys. No.

He's this way with all of our guests.

Cam doesn't change the sheets as much as he changes his personality.

[ Southern accent ] All right, ladies.

We got some steaming-hot tea, some popping-hot biscuits.

Now, let's have a little sizzling-hot gossip.

[ Giggles ]

-Do not go in there! -Don't!

Do not open -- oh, my God!

-No! -Girl, do not go back in there!

-Oh, my God! -[ Screaming ]

I just think cam tries too hard.

It's like he's begging to be liked.

Wait, is this a one-way street?

Oh, that's a fair question.

I don't -- I guess I could make more of an effort with people.

I just -- [ Groans ]

It doesn't exactly come naturally to me.

[ Both clear throat ]

Both: Oh, cam! Cam!

I couldn't even find anything to say to two red-headed lawyers.

-I'm lost. -I know.

I'm all over the place.

I think that I'm just maybe jealous that he can hit it off with anybody.

But I can't be mad at him for being likable.

I mean, that's one of the reasons I fell in love with him.


Who else would I be talking about?

No, the pizza guy with the goat looks like Uncle cam.

Okay, I feel like there's a story here.

Hey, honey.

I don't want to talk about it.

Okay, for the sake of our marriage, I'm gonna assume that this is frat-related.

Oh, look -- the belt I got you.

Okay, pull over.

Cam, could you just stop for a second?

Hey, hey, hey -- come on, stop.

Look, I'm sorry.

For the past few weeks, I've been rolling my eyes at you, thinking that you had this pathological need to be liked by everyone, but I couldn't have been more wrong.

All right? People are just drawn to you.

No, I do have a pathological need to be liked.

I knew it. This is a stupid prank gone wrong, and I've -- I'm separated from the guys.

I wanted them to like me so much I stole a goat.

I'm a rustler, Mitchell.

I'm a filthy rustler.

Okay, well, that seems worse to you than it does to me.

I do it with all of our guests.

I change who I am so they'll like me more.

-It's exhausting. -Well, then, stop, because you're likable enough just being you.

I know.

And this insecurity is a part of me that I do not love.

-Caminal! -What's up, my brothers?!

-Cam. -What is wrong with me?

Get in -- we got a goat to paint!

No, you know what, guys?

This isn't right.

This is not who I am.

So I'm gonna take the goat back, and if you were ever truly my friend, you'll understand.

-Boo! -You both suck!

-Boo! -Hey.

You suck.

All right, come on.

Okay, I'll -- I'll put her in back, and, um, don't worry -- she's really friendly.

I ain't afraid of no goats.

Okay, send me the contracts.

I never could resist a pretty face.

Stop it, George. I'm married.

[ Laughs ] I'm gonna run to the men's room.

So, everything all right? You've barely said a word.

Well, it's not like you needed my help, and I think I embarrassed myself enough for one day.

Look, I might have been too hard on you before.

I'm just tired of everyone always pitching me their closet ideas.

If I had a nickel for every time someone came to me with "the next great closet,"

I'd have a Pegasus series split-level walk-in

-full of nickels. -[ Laughs ]

But, dad, I'm in the biz.

I should have known that those are old design ideas.

No one nails it on the first try.

Hell, I once pitched a clamshell shoe container with a living hinge.

-No. -I was young.


Keep with it.

You'll get there eventually.


We all set?

Let me settle up.


Thanks, dad.

-Pretty exciting lunch, huh? -Hmm?

The same Caesar salad, the same closets I order every year.

Yeah, but you're happy with them, right?

They're closets.

I-if you're ever looking to expand your horizons a little, I have some design ideas that are fresh of the drawing board.

I'm sorry. Oh, gosh.

That's my husband's birdseed.

I'd love to give you a look-see here.

I'll take care of this.

Whoa! Heavens.

"Duckingham palace"?

Oh, no, no. No, no, sorry.

Those are the wrong ones.

Um, wrong plans.

I've got other ones, and they're -- they're super.


Um... Oh, gosh.

Oh, my God. What -- it's -- it's on my head, right?

It's on my head. Okay.

God. Okay. I know it's in here.

-Oh, my God. -It's in here.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, it's in my shirt.

-I was gone for 30 seconds. -Dad, dad!

Well, that was forever.

I'm so embarrassed.

I've never freaked out like that.

How bad was it?

I mean...

I'm so sorry that I gave you such a hard time about not talking to Chelsea.

Actually, you kind of helped me out.


Seeing you fall apart like that -- stutter, twitch, and babble -- okay, bloop-bloop.

You're the most confident woman in the world, and if someone like you can be human, then I don't have to feel bad about chickening out with girls.

You know who else is human? Chelsea.

So why do you feel so intimidated by her?

Go. Go over there.

There's no time.

She gets off at 5:00 on Saturday so that she can pick up her dry cleaning and make 6:00 yoga.


Call her.


Yes. You can do it.


Hi, Chelsea?

I was in earlier, wearing the green jacket that's louder than that guy laughing at his own screenplay?

She's laughing!

I would like to take you out for coffee sometime, maybe at a place you don't have to make it?

Great. O-okay, I'll see you tomorrow.


She said yes.

Of course she did.

I'm so proud of you.

You see, that's what it is to be a confident person.

And you got all of it from your mother.

[ Screaming ]

Mam -- ay!

Ay, what's her name?!

What size tubing would I need for three ducklings to slide through?

Cost is no ob-- where are you going?

To the back to check on it? Thank you so much!

Well, look at you playing with rocks just like a real kid.


Oh, I hope those eggs are doing okay.

I feel bad leaving them alone.

Probably safer that way.

I know people think I'm crazy.

It's just more fun believing even when no one else does.

Anyone can be a doubter.

Did I ever tell you how I got them?

No, but I, uh...

I found them abandoned in someone's yard, the poor things.

No mother.

No one to take care of them.

So, they're orphans?

Where did their mother go?

I don't know.

I know I'm all they have now.

-Hello. -Hey, honey.

Can I ask you a tiny little favor? Claire: Okay.

Can you rotate the eggs 90 degrees, clockwise?

No, Phil, I can't. I can't.

I am tired, and I am sweaty, and as much as I have tried to stay positive like you all day, I think sometimes we need to just face certain facts like corporate people are not creative, and ducks that haven't hatched in a month might never.

Just turn the eggs, lady!

[ Sighs ] You know what?

Kind of done with birds for the day.

[ Cracking ]

Oh, my God, Phil.

-I think it's hatching. -Wait, what?

-Are you sure? -Uh...

What -- what do I do?

Okay, uh, stay calm.

I-I'll talk you through the labor.

They're coming, lily!

Okay, Claire -- tell me what you see!

Oh, God. I think I see a beak.

Well, the good news is we're not breach.

It looks like it's struggling to break through.

Okay, if you are concerned about traumatizing him, strap on that toucan beak I wore last Halloween when we dressed as froot loops and start pecking.

I'm using a fork.

Steady hands, Claire, please.

I've seen you play "operation."

Oh, it's hatched!

It's so cute.

Oh, it's so cute!

I can't believe I'm missing this!

[ Horn honking ] Hey, buddy!

We're telling people I was there!

I think another one's hatching.

What?! I'm sorry, lily.

Speed bump in three, two...


Oh, my God, all three?!

-That's amazing! -I know.

-Lily, take a picture! -Yep.


Hi, buddy.

Okay, ready?

One, two -- hold up, hold up.

He's in my shirt.

Another bird in my shirt.

Got it.

Okay. [ Cellphone clicks ]

I'm going to bed. Good night, sweetie.

Mm. Good night.

Wait. You know what?

I was just thinking, if those duck eggs were still viable...


Maybe we should find out if you've got one or two fighters left in there, too.

No, thank you.

I'm done with little ones running around the house.

[ Ducklings cheeping ]


Oh, I said stay.

The ducks imprinted on Claire.

It's n-not a big deal.

Come on, guys.

She said stay!

[ Ducklings cheeping ]

Come on.