Modern Family S7E9 Script

White Christmas (2015)

Joe, you're going to see your first snow.

It's so exciting! I can't wait to make a snow person!


We got to get him out of that hippie school.

I don't know, Jay.

Last report card, he got straight dolphins.

Christmas in Colombia was always hot and loud, people arguing, betrayal, schemes.

So I rented a Mountain cabin for the whole family to celebrate my first Christmas as an American.

I want a white Christmas, you know, like white people have.

Hey, want to hit the pipe one more time before we get on the road?

Um, yeah. Couldn't hurt.

[ Clears throat ] [ Note plays ]

Both: ♪ silent night ♪

♪ holy night ♪ Oh, my God, we are killing it!

Last Christmas, Mitchell and I thought it would be fun to sing a little Christmas Carol for the family.

[ Inhales deeply ] Unfortunately, it didn't go so well because somebody had a little too much to drink.

Stop doing that. I was nervous.

Both: ♪ 'tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ fa LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ fa LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA ♪

[ Thud ] Mitchell?

[ Groans ] [ Laughter ]

The family has been mocking us relentlessly all year.

Nicknames like screeches & herb, Simon & God-awful, nickelback.

But we're gonna redeem ourselves this year.

We have been rehearsing our new number for months, and we will debut it at the cabin as a special holiday "screw you" to the family.

Hey, Marty, listen, it's your hotel, but a walnut closet is a place your guests want to hang their clothes.

A particleboard closet -- they want to hang themselves.

All this closet stuff is driving me nuts. [ Door closes ]

I want to get annoyed, but it's hard when I feel this comfortable.

Oh, God, he's gonna talk about his new coat again.

It's like getting a big, warm hug from a mama sheep.

Nothing feels like pure sheepskin.

The gal at the store said I looked like kris kristofferson.

We don't know who that is.

[ Scoffs ] I have so much lab homework to get done during this break.

If it were up to me, Christmas wouldn't even come this year.

Any chance you could sound more like a cartoon villain?

Come on, Alex, it's three solid days of winter fun.

We're gonna go sledding, skating, ice-fishing, make snow angels.

Who's with me?! [ Chanting ] Snow, snow!

Together: [ Chanting ] Snow, snow, snow, snow, snow, snow, snow!


No, that's a leaf.

It's hotter here than at home.

Gloria, in your little daily e-mails, you said it was gonna be cold.

That's what my phone said.

-You're on celsius. -Oh.

It's going to be hot, guys!

-- Captions by vitac --

♪♪ Oh, is the furnace on?!

Phil, take off that jacket.

You're making me hot just looking at you.

Saleslady said that would happen.

Trust me, I'm cool as cucumber.

Something about the coat just knows what my body needs.

You're sweating like a heroin addict.

Oh, hey, look, a piano.

Maybe we can get a little song from the crapenters.

-Hey. -Be cool.

Andy's fiancée, Beth, has to work, so Gloria invited him for Christmas, which [Inhales sharply] is complicated because we've been having sex and nobody knows about it.

I mean, we know.

My family cannot find out about us.

I'm certainly not gonna tell them.

I still have their respect.

Andy, chop-chop. Joe's making his bathroom face.

All right, let's just go home. I mean, it's hot.

There's no wi-fi. -Alex, stop being the grinch.

If that is the worst problem, then merry Christmas.

Oh, thank God you made it!

I thought you'd gotten into a horrible car accident!

Wait a second.

You're not trip, tad, Lois, Darcy, and Marlene.

-No, we're other names. -Who are you?

Fig Wilson.

My family's been coming here for the holidays for years.

We rented this cabin from the Wilsons.

They are in Hawaii. -Nobody told me that.

Okay, well, bye-bye.

How could they abandon me?

Uh, I'm the most caring one in the family.

I warn them about cancer.

I buy their fat kids clothes in aspirational sizes.

I invite them all to my dogs' funerals.

Last one ran straight into traffic.

I can see that.

Is it possible the invitation got lost?

I mean... You seem great.

Well, I guess I'll just get my bags and walk down the hill.

Hopefully, I'll get to the bus station before nightfall.

It's wolf season.

Why don't you stay here with us?

It's Christmas.


First time I saw you, I thought you were gonna be a pain in the ass, but it turns out you're my favorite.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Door rattling ]

What do you think's in here?

No one told you the legend of the forgotten boy?

Happened right here 100 years ago.

A boy was very bad, and his parents locked him in this secret room and left him here forever.

They say at night, you can hear him trying to scratch his way out.

[ Scratching ]

We got her.

[ Both chuckle ] Idiots.

That was you scratching, right?

-Oh. -Oh, sorry.

-No, you go. -No, it's okay. After you.

Here, I'll just...

Oh, why don't I go...

What are you guys doing -- having a staring contest?

I got winners!

Later, though. Come here.


I've got a very special present for you.

Did this guy tell you he passed his real-estate-license test?

I know. I helped him cram.

Ah, she's really drilling me pretty hard. Cool.

Listen, when I first got into real estate, I worked at one of those big firms with the blazers.

I'd rather not say their name, but it rhymed with "century not very fun."

Anyway, I saved this.

I'd like for you to have it.

Wow. [ Chuckles ]

When you wear it, remember the values of our profession -- trust, honor, integrity, fidelity, and purity.

[ Inhales deeply ]

Are you worthy of the blazer, Andy?

-[ Sighs ] -I want to be.

I didn't expect it to hit this hard.

Me either.

[ Crying ]

Who wants eggnog?

I'll take some.

I had a tough week at work.

What do you do? Oh, my dad and I are in the closet business.

I'm sorry, it almost sounded like you said, "closet business."

I did -- residential and hospitality storage solutions.


[ Sighs ] Hey, specks, I'm dying over there.

What are you reading?

Science stuff. I'm sure it'll bore you.

I teach astrophysics at m.I.T.

Wait a minute.

Are you f.N. Wilson? -F-n right, I am!

We just read your essay on how solar flares will wipe out life on earth!

Hopefully before closet lady corners me again. [ Chuckles ]

Hey, hey, everybody's here, so let's just casually make our way over to the piano. Okay, okay.

Ooh, what are we drinking there, miss Scarlet?

Relax. It's hot tea for my throat.

Oh, we should have lily film us.

-Oh, yeah. -Hey, lily, come here.

Okay, so, daddy and I are about to sing a Christmas song, and --

-I'm gonna stop you right there. -No, no.

No, it's not gonna be like last year because we're prepared and we're singing "silent night."

That's my favorite. Can I sing with you?

Both: ♪ um ♪ Aaaaaah!

Both: Oh.

[ Glass clinking ] Can I have everyone's attention, please?

I feel so lucky celebrating with the best damn family any man could hope for.

-Aww! -Dad.

-And fig. -Hey, all!

Gloria and I have been talking about this for a while.

What with Joe getting older, I feel it's just the right time to start a new chapter, which is why I've decided...

To retire.

-Oh, my. -What?!

[ All murmuring ] Maybe "retired" is the wrong word -- more of a transition.

So, when people ask, "where's Jay pritchett?"

You tell them, "he's transitioning."

-Mm. -Okay, I heard it, too.

Let's go back to retiring.

Hey, we can finally rent that r.V.

And visit all of the major league ballparks.

You can probably go ahead and do that alone.

Uh, anyway, I had to ask myself, "who's the best person to lead the company?"

And the answer is obvious.

Chuck feeny. -Who?

Gutters and screen hot shot out of Chicago.

With him in charge, we can all relax knowing that the company is in good hands.

Claire gets a great new boss. -Mm-hmm.

And you all get to spend more time with yours truly.

-Uh... -Well, to this one's new boss.


Claire, that's my gesturing hand.

I need it for work.

I work 60-hour weeks so Chuck feeny can have the corner office and the best table at closet con!

Honey, you need to slow down.

This coat isn't quite broken in yet.

Listen, you have every right to be mad.

Everyone knows you deserve that job.

And to think of all the weekends I worked and the -- the family vacations we've put off, not to mention the stress and the insomnia and --

-come here. -[ Sighs ]

Mm. Claire, life's like a Mountain road...

With a new adventure around every corner.

If that's the slogan for this stupid coat, I'm gonna kill you!

Shh! Get in here.

[ Sighs ]

-Have you seen Claire? -No.

I told you this Chuck feeny thing was a terrible idea!

It's a brilliant idea.

There is no Chuck feeny.

I made him up because of what happened to don McSorley when he turned his company over to his son.

Son only took the job because he felt obligated.

One year later, business went bankrupt.

Broke my heart to buy his entire inventory 8 cents on the dollar.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm doing this for Claire.

She'd do anything to make me happy, and that's not why I want her to take the job.

If she wants it, she'll fight for it.

If not, I just gave her an easy out.

I can think of 10 better ways to do this.

Relax. It's gonna be perfect.

She'll come to me, demand what's hers.

I'll tell her the truth, big hug, perfect Christmas.

I'm a genius. -You're a crazy person.

In my village, we will tie a tin can around your neck to know when you're coming.

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Note plays ]

Both: ♪ silent night ♪

♪ holy night ♪

♪ all is calm ♪

♪ all is bright ♪

[ Gratingly ] ♪ 'round yon virgin mother and child! ♪ Okay, hey, hey, I have a fun idea!

Why don't we give lily one of her presents right now?

-Ooh, that is a fun idea, daddy. -Yeah.

Then she can go play with a toy rather than being with us boring, old adults. Mm.

How's that sound, lily?

I feel like you're up to something, but I don't care.

I want a present. I'll take the bike-shaped one.

Nice wrapping job, by the way.

Uh, wasn't that for Joe?

-Well, Joe's getting a doll now. -All right.

[ Door opens ]

Oh, hey.

Hey. [ Door closes ]

Gloria asked me to get some kindling. Mm.

Why are you walking around wearing next to nothing?

It's 26 celsius out there.

Ah, I'm not showing any skin

'cause I don't want to tempt you.

Oh, well, your gold blazer took care of that.

-You know you're into it. -I know. Why?

Damn you and that eagle scout smile.

I want to take a swim in those big Doe eyes.

This is happening.

-[ Sighs ] -Mm-hmm.

-Getting wood, Andy? -What?!

Mm. Can you believe Gloria wants a traditional fire?

As if it isn't hot enough in here.

-Mm. -Come on, bro.


Both: Hello, lily.

What are you wearing?

Mom made us put on our Christmas sweaters, but look what we found.

It's a note.

"I'm hungry for the blood of a little girl.

Signed, the forgotten boy."

This is terrifying.

It's getting real.

The scariest thing is that he spells like a 2-year-old.

Wait, what?


Christmas, huh?

Who the hell came up with this one?

It was emperor constantine.

I love it!

It's not easy being the smartest person in the room.

My sister thinks quantum theory is a game show, and my brother once tried to take his pants off over his head.

Gals like us, we see through all the family b.S.

We call it like we see it.

So, if we're alone for Christmas and birthdays and weekends, it's their loss.

Gals like us [Breathes heavily] we don't need anyone.

I'm not big on mysticism, but, clearly, this woman was my ghost of Christmas future.

So, I decided to turn things around and jump in on the holiday spirit.

Jump aboard the fun train!

Whoo, whoo!

That was a train.

Something smells good!

What? What doesn't smell good?

No, I-I said it did.

I am confused! What is it that you don't like?!

I'm just excited for dinner. I love you guys.

Oh, don't be nasty. We're trying our best.


Hey, look what I found -- a key to that secret room.

My entire family is here.

Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?

Meet me in two minutes.

There she is.

Haven't seen you since my big announcement.

What do you think?

I think that I gave my all to this company and that if you were gonna hand over the reins to somebody, it should be me and not some hump from Chicago!

Well, it just so happens --

I'm not finished, dad!

Thank you for saving me from wasting the next 20 years of my life talking about slats, rods, and hinges -- from becoming the most boring person in the most boring industry on earth!

-"Boring"?! -Boring!

Closets bring order to a chaotic world!

-What happened? -I'll tell you what happened.

I raised a mean, ungrateful daughter, and I'm glad I gave the business to Chuck feeny!

There is no Chuck feeny!

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Thud ]

[ Indistinct whispering ]

Manny, Luke, knock it off!

No one thinks it's funny!

[ Rattling ]

-Are you talking to us? -Huh?

[ Thud ]

[ Wood creaks ]

Hey, as long as everybody's just sitting around, uh -- oh, they're gonna do another one!

[ Indistinct shouting ] Thank you, Santa claus!

That's hilarious.

Hope you're having fun, 'cause that's about to end.

Okay, stick to the scripted patter, sweetie.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -And a one and a two.

Both: ♪ silent night ♪ [ Lily screams ]

Oh, my God, what was that?

-Oh, I'm sure it's fine. -Fine. It's no big deal.

So, Mitchell, here we go again.

Both: ♪ silent night ♪ [ Lily screams ]

That is your daughter screaming!

[ Sighs ]

-Lily, are you okay?! -What's going on?!

The forgotten boy -- I heard him! He's in there!

Of course he is. All right, let's get him out, huh?

We'll make sure that he doesn't bother -- oh, God!

-[ Gasps ] -Oh, God!


Take off the blazer. -[ Sighs ]

We were just looking for dinner napkins.

Where? In her shirt?

I have so many questions.

Boys, lily, go play where snow would be.

So, is this a thing?

Is it the first time? -Yes!

-No. -Andy!

I-I'm sick of the lies.

We've been having improper relations. Oh.

Aren't you engaged? Oh, suddenly, you're concerned about loyalty.

Oh, you're talking to me. Won't that bore you?

Apparently, I'm boring! -Listen, everyone, let's not let this ruin our beautiful holiday.

Alex, nobody needs your sarcasm right now!

It's ugly, honey.

Cameron: This is Andy and Haley's private business.

I think we should be focused on this special night.

This special silent night.

-One and a two. -No.

Both: ♪ silent night ♪

♪ hol-- ♪ guys, I have a surprise!

It's Beth!

Oh, my God.

This is one of my Christmas surprises.

Andy, you can spend Christmas with your fiancée after all!

-Mmm, hi, bittle-battle! -Hey, pumpkin!

Beth, you mind if I have a quick chitchat with your man?

Yeah, I'll give Beth a tour of the house while we get Gloria up to speed.

Don't you just love the holidays? Yeah.

Full of wonder and magic and surprise and --

Gloria: What?!


Mr. Dunphy, I am s-- it's not your turn to talk.

That's my daughter, and you're engaged to someone else.

If this is a fling, it's over. You understand me?

But if this is something real, you need to be honest with Beth.

It's time to step up and be a man.

I understand.

Let me tell you something.

Life is like a Mountain road with a new adventure around every corner.

-Wow. -Right?

-Did you just think of that? -I did.

[ Beethoven's "moonlight sonata" plays ]

Seems tense.

Your big sis is kind of a disaster, huh?

Fig, we are a lot alike, like you said.

And sometimes we can give off a negative vibe without meaning to.

What's your point? Well, I was thinking maybe we could make more of an effort to be more positive and actually enjoy Christmas.

As a goof?

Okay, all right, new plan.

We wait until the whole haley/andy thing blows over.

Everyone gets a little liquored up. Other people.

And then, right before dessert, you sit down at the piano.

-Shh! -You --

Alex: ♪ silent night ♪ what the hell is that?

Both: ♪ holy night ♪

♪ all is calm ♪

♪ all is bright ♪

♪ 'round yon virgin mother and child ♪

-Son of a bitch! -Mother...

♪ Holy infant, so tender and mild ♪

♪ sleep in heavenly peace ♪ That's it. I'm drinking.

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

-Wow. -Aww.

[ Applause ]

That's got to hurt!

[ Sighs ]

Hey, zucchini blossom!

Hey, popcorn shrimp, listen.

Something is going on, and...

As painful as it may be, I think we should talk about it.

[ Sighs ]

You could always see through me.

-What now? -Yes, I met someone.

I've been dating him for a few months behind your back.

And I'm actually cheating on him, too.

You mean with me?

[ Laughing ] No!



Popcorn shrimp.

[ Wheels rolling ]

Well, slight change of plans.

I'm gonna be going.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

All: Bye, Beth!

Drive safe!

Keep in touch!

I don't see us keeping in touch.

Hey, you broke up with Beth?

She cheated on me. I can't believe it.

-Wait, you're upset? -Of course I'm upset.

We dated for 10 years.

I just got stabbed in the back.

-Welcome to the club. -Really?

You were stabbed in the back?

A daughter mocking her father's life.

Closets aren't fascinating? Since when?

[ Slurring ] Want to talk about betrayal?

How about when somebody steals a song and takes it for themselveses?

I had no idea that you guys were gonna sing that song.

I did. I heard them rehearsing.

I thought there was an animal stuck in the wall.

And to think we invited you into our home.

We should've left you out in the warm.

Haley: I get that you're upset, but remember, I even liked you when you were fat.

They give out awards to people like me!

I gave up a three-day trip to cabo to close that best Western deal.

That's right. You owe her 25 margaritas!

-Phil! -21!

-21! -Enough, enough, enough!

All I wanted was a white Christmas, and instead, I'm back in Colombia -- the heat, the betrayal, people stealing songs!

This ends now!

Andy, stop whining and be grateful that Haley likes you!

She's a stone-cold 10, and you're a Utah 7!

Jay, it's time for you and Claire to kiss and make up!

Why doesn't he kiss Chuck feeny?!

Because there's no Chuck feeny!

He made it up to test you!

And if she didn't care, she wouldn't be this upset!

There is no Chuck feeny?

It was a dumb idea, but I saw what happened to don McSorley!

The crackerjack blinds guy.

You got his whole company for 8 cents on the dollar.

I bought his photocopier for 7 bucks.

[ Chuckles ] I always hoped you'd take over the company.

There's no one I trust more than you.

I just had to know that you really wanted it!

That I wanted to run a company that gives people a place to store not only their jeans, but their dreams?

-Yes! -Here.

I got you a little early Christmas present.

"Claire Dunphy, c.E.O."

-Oh, you! -What?!

Oh! [ Squeals ]

-That's more like it! -[ Laughs ]

Who cares what the weather is?

What is important is that we have each other!

[ Gasps ] Snow!

Good king wenceslas, there is snow!

[ Gasps ]

I told you everything was going to work out.

It's a perfect Christmas.

-What are we looking at? -Snow!

Our miracle for Christmas.

That's not snow.

That's ashes from a forest fire.

If you're quiet, you can hear screaming.

Phil, did you look in all the drawers?

Yep, and under the bed. Got everything.

-Bye, Gloria. Thank you. -Bye.

Jay, don't forget Joe's new doll.

Mitch and cam -- always pushing their agenda.

Bye-bye, house!

We will miss you!

[ Ominous music plays ]

Luke: Hello?


I-it's me -- Luke!

[ Doorknob rattling ] [ Sighs ]

I think I locked myself in here!

[ Pounding ] [ Pattering ]

Uh, I don't think I'm alone in here!

[ Pounding resumes ]