Modern Family S8E11 Script

Sarge & Pea (2017)

Can I have that dropped at the gift table for you?

Ah, I think I'll hang onto this. This is a special gift.

It's a wine fridge -- 36 bottles, stainless steel, dual temp zones for your whites, your reds.

She doesn't care. Okay. And neither did the priest.

Father O'GodHe'sHot.

-I know. Those lips, right? -Hey, hey, hey.

Is that appropriate? -Appropriate?

You never carried us around as proudly as you're carrying around that thing.

30 years ago, I didn't do your Aunt Becky's closets for free.

The whole family got together and decided I was cheap -- called me "High Pockets."

Well, we'll see what her boy Brian says when he opens what Esquire Magazine called

"the last under-counter wine fridge you'll ever need."


High Pockets.

Can we just find the bar?

How funny would it be if I said no?


Mom! What is she doing here?

She's not even related to these people!

Oh, my God.

You, me, Mom, Dad, alone.

Without Gloria to absorb the hate.

Okay, why am I scared? I'm feeling scared.

Because you are flashing back to every family event that ended with Dad whisper-screaming at Mom, "Would you calm down?" while she would swing her pocketbook around until it burst open like a pill-packed piƱata.

Oh, God. I-I don't want to be the make-a-scene family. Again.

Well, Dad's not leaving until they award him CNN Hero for bringing the wine fridge, so maybe we just each take a parent and try and keep them apart as much as possible?

Probably our best shot at an uneventful day.

But can we please not fight over who has to care of --


-Mitchell! -Hey!


Oh, it's so good to see you, honey. Mm!

-- Captions by VITA --

Hey. I got us a campus map, and look at this --

My old college frat has a chapter here!

By legacy rights, I'm entitled to use the main-floor bathroom and sign out a Frisbee.


Wow, you're really giving those bands a workout.

Oh, just burning off some nervous energy.

They don't ask questions on a college tour, right?

Luke and I, Gloria, and Manny are going on a college tour!

Safety school for Manny, long shot for Luke, which hasn't been great for his self-esteem.

Luckily, as a former cheerleader, I haven't lost my gift for lifting spirits.

Though I can no longer make an N with my body.


This is a great workout.

Ow! No!

Sorry, sorry! Guys, come look!

I did something very bad.

Manny is taking a nap, so I put a pig-a-let in the bed!

Oh, my God.

Where'd you get that?

You remember those farmers that we met?

You'll be surprised what they'll do for a couple of big tips.

What did you hear?

Aah! Whoa! What is that?!

It's a pig-a-let!

Man, you should see your face!

Ohh, it licked my face! Why would you do this?

Aye, Manny, don't be so uptight!

I'm preparing you for college so that you fit in and make some friends.

I took the idea from watching "The Animal House,"

"The Old School" movie...

College is about higher education, not pranks.


-There she is! -Hey, lady.

Yeah, I can't give you free stuff.

-Let's go. -Okay, take care.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, my gosh. It's her.


The blonde over there in the cute jacket and fab shoes.

If that's who I think it is, we hate her so hard.

Last night, I was robbed. That's right.

There I was at Lily's dance recital, breathlessly anticipating my baby's first-ever ballet solo.

Okay, here it comes.

This moment is worth every cent of the $2,000 in lessons.


Oh, my gosh. I can't see.

Didn't they say no filming?

Excuse me. Miss?

Did you just see that?

That horrid woman robbed me of my proud daddy moment and forced me to lie to my daughter.

"You danced beautifully, Lily!" But did she?

I have no idea!

Why didn't you smack her down last night?

With words, obviously.

Wait, can gays smack women?


No! You know what, I would have cussed her out last night, except the selfish hag left the moment her daughter's dance was over.

I hope there's no rule in here about causing a commotion.

I mean, we didn't really feel the need to put it up on a sign because, you know, civilization.

Well, I answer to a higher law.

Hey! Get back here! You don't even know it's her.

You're basing this off of the back of the head of someone you saw in the dark.

That may be how you recognize your old boyfriends, but...

Excuse me.

As much as I admire that and do intend on using it on Mitchell without giving you any credit, there is a line.

So, Mom, I didn't know that you would be, uh, be here.

Oh, well, I wasn't planning on it --

I haven't seen these people since the divorce --

Yeah. But then my new hubby had to work, and I thought -- "Write a new story, Dede."


So, are you here alone, or...?

You look great! This dress is beautiful!

Oh, thank you.

I found it in the trunk of a car I bought.

Oh. One second, Mom.

Oh, this is Cam texting.

The picture of the back of someone's head and the words, "Is this her?"

No idea what you are talking about.

Kissy face.


Excuse me. Can we get a pic?

Honey! -Oh.

--Dad, that's sweet.


If we get separated, there's a record.

Oh, God.

Hey, don't be mad.

Are you kidding?

She vanished, okay?

Those shoes she makes are soundless.

Oh, there you are!

Oh! Mwah!

-Okay. -Oh, well, if it isn't my first family.

What a surprise, huh?

Yeah! I guess Brian invited me because of that summer we took him in.

Remember when I caught you trying on Brian's underpants?

No, what even -- Mom!

Oh, is it just the four of us? Yeah!

Yes, and where are you sitting, Mom?

I can walk you back to your table.

In a minute. I'd like to visit a little.

I don't even know anyone at my table.

Well, Gloria's not here.

Oh, thank you, Jay.

Here. Let me, uh...

-Well, this is fun. -Mm-hmm.

-The band's back together. -Yeah.

Would anyone care for some champagne?

-Oh, yeah. -I'd love some.

-Oh, you bet. Yeah. -Thank you.

I'll just take the tray.

Admission has gotten tougher.

Only about 4 out of 10 applicants get accepted.


You've beaten worse odds than that.

We forgot to get you vaccinated till you were 6.

The university boasts many noted graduates -- research scientists, journalists, and one pretty well-known playwright.

Wow. "Pretty well-known?"

Imagine how many cookies they could have sold if they called them "Pretty Well-Known Amos's."


I tied your shoelaces together.

Mom, what's going on with you?

I am preparing you.

If you can't laugh at yourself, then you'll become a target.

College crazy time, man!

Excuse me, Steffi?

My son Tim here developed a finance app that caught the eye of some folks at JP Morgan, so he'll need to keep that going along with school.

No problem.

Many students work while taking class.

-Excuse me, Steffi? -What are you doing?

My son Lucas here is a recognized amateur trampolinist.


I'm assuming you guys have a training facility so he can continue his pursuits in the applied bouncing arts?

I'm not sure I'm understanding...

You guys have a trampoline?

I think there's a small one in the daycare center.

There are no small trampolines, only --

You know what? We can move on.

Everybody, this way!

Just go ask her if she was at the recital, and then tell her off if she says yes.

No, I can't, because if it's her, she'll sense confrontation coming and deny it.

People can always tell when I'm in attack mode.

Mm, flared nostrils? No.

-Vein in your forehead? -Blotchy neck?

No! You know what, and just a head's up, you both are turning into your mother.

Okay. Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

New plan.

What -- What are you doing?

Well, if there's video of Lily's recital on her iPad, then I know it's for sure her, and plus, I can e-mail it to myself and have a proper viewing party.

Ooh, I've got a thing. Yeah, I'll probably be working.

I haven't even set a date yet.

Okay, there's a passcode.

Well, of course there's a passcode. Give me that.

All right, well, she ordered a powdered doughnut, so...

All right.

Chalky fingerprints on the 8, the 5, the 3, and the 1.

Your passcode is some combination of those four.

Oh, my God. You're brilliant.

Last year, I was doing differential topography at Cal Tech, and now I sketch leaves in milk foam for adult skateboarders.

I need something more.

She's coming back. -What?!

She's coming back.


I left my iPad on the table, and somebody took it.

Oh, gosh! I didn't --

Didn't what? Do your job?

It's not like you're so busy you don't have time to --

Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing.

Um, are you talking about that iPad in that bag there?

-Oh, God. -'Cause there's an iPad there.

What a ditz.

Ugh, I guess I'm just nervous for this stupid blind date I never should have agreed to.

Oh, no.

You're not Richard, are you?

Uh, yes. I-I am Richard. I'm your blind date.

You're, uh, Ana.

Oh! Am I the worst person ever?

Well, that's what we're here to find out.

Kidding! Please sit!

I hope that is her. She's gross.

I want him to yell at her.

-Yeah. -Excuse me.

Um, I'm here for a blind date, and my friend didn't even give me a picture.

I just know the woman's name.

Any chance you served an Ana?

Oh! Well, this is crazy.

Ana, say hello to, uh...

-Richard. -Yeah.

Um, sorry, I don't mean to be forward, but Vanessa kind of undersold how attractive you are.


The things I've done because people tell me I'm pretty, you'd almost think I wasn't pretty.

So, 1986, we were just coming back from my sister Bebe's wedding when I first had my dream about murdering you.

No! Mitchell has a funny story that doesn't open old wounds about Cam at a dance recital.

He got so mad, didn't he, Mitchell?

Tell them!

So mad.

That wasn't '86. That was '87.

The reason we were late was because of that damn Hands Across America that you made me do.

Hands was '86, and you thanked me afterwards because you got to hold hands with someone that was holding hands with Willie Nelson.

What the hell was that whole thing about, anyway? Hunger?

Hand somebody a sandwich in San Francisco and you pass it on down the line till some bum gets ahold of it in Boston?

Hunger, yeah. Definitely.

Um, Mitchell is on a diet, speaking of hunger.

What can you eat now?


Sweetie, I see what you're doing, but this whole controlling thing -- It's challenging.

Works good in the office, but sometimes she's as tight as a camel's ass in a sandstorm.

Ooh, this seems aggressive.

I'm just gonna --

May I be excused to go to the bathroom?

Yeah. Me, too. Be right back.

Hey! You do not get to do this.

You do not get to shut down on me like you did when we were kids.

I am not gonna sit here taking the heat while you go hide in your room blasting Pat Benatar.

Why are we even all sitting together?

This is my plan. You're gonna come up with a reason to take Mom back to her table.

Maybe you want to unload some gay stuff you don't want Dad to hear?

You're lovely.

But my dream analyst helped me realize that I never wanted to murder you.

I wanted to murder the part of myself that was so angry.

You were angry because I was an inconsiderate blow-hard.

Oh, don't do that.

We had plenty of good times, didn't we, Sarge?

You bet we did, Pea.


What fresh hell is this?

We'll end our tour here at our iconic bell tower.

See you all at tonight's mixer!

Hey. Before we go back, you want to do something fun?

Follow me.

Check it out! -A bell?

Not just a bell.

A series of bells fed into an ingenious instrument known as a carillon.

I monkied around with one back in the day.

A cutie named Gretchen took me up to her belfry and showed me some moves, which I now realize sounds sexual.

Not really. You talk like this a lot.

The point is, Gretchen got a full ride treading bells like these. Wow, that's high.

Maybe you could, too.

Get you into a class on...

What? I'm gonna learn all this in three months?

You're a quick study!

Look at how fast you learned magic.

I got a home movie of you pulling an impossibly long chain of baby wipes out of your diaper.

Okay, I was 5 in a diaper.

That's not really a sign of a quick learner.

I believe you can do anything you put your mind to.


Oh! Shoot!

I guess it's all computerized now.

Who cares?

God, I hate it when you do this.

Do what? You look mad. Are you mad?

...and I keep telling you, but it's like you're not hearing me!

I'm not. Wait, don't talk yet.

Go now, quick!

Stop acting like I'm someone I'm not!

Stop telling me how great I am when it's not true!

Don't you see how much pressure that is?!

Luke, don't you walk away from --!

I'm your --

How are you 36?

I just can't get over how young you look.

The trick is to not smile too hard.

You're funny.

I did not expect that from a seismologist.

Which, by the way, how did you get into that?

Oh, um, it's just always come easy for me.

You know? I look at people and I just instinctively know their size.

People are like, "Oh, I'm a 4," and I'm like, "Who you foolin', girl? You a 10."

Ma'am, here is that napkin you asked for.

Oh, thanks. Ha ha. Fooled you.

I was just joking about clothing stuff.

The real reason why I got into studying earthquakes is because I love nature.

I guess that would explain the ornithology interest, too, huh?

Miss, could I have another...

Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Angels have always been cool, but n as cool as birds!

I love birds!

I mean, I love my mother, I do, but it's like her needs come before everyone else's.

You know that kind of person?

I think I do, yeah.

Wait, why was I talking about her?

I don't know. The question was

"What did you do last night?"

And the question stands.




Honestly, it's like he can't be with my son for more than three hours without texting me some inane question.

Oh -- Oh, you have a son?

Love of my life.

He took the divorce pretty hard.

He's...different, you know?

He's really -- He's creative and sensitive, and he gets picked on a lot at school.

You know, it's like, thank God for his dance class.

I feel like it's the only place that I see, like, real joy on his face.

I knew it. You're the worst!

Excuse me?

I'm not Richard, you fool.

I'm the father you and your giant iPad robbed of his daughter's first ballet solo.

I hope whatever reason you had to prioritize your child over mine was a good one, and now that I hear it, it's pretty close, I have to admit, but still.


You're a maniac, but I'm grateful because this has been one of the most abysmal dates I have ever been on. Oh!

People think that cats are standoffish, but my guy, when I come home --

Okay, I've got to stop you right there.

I'm not Ana, and this isn't happening.

I had a feeling.

Can I at least take a picture with you so I can tell other women we dated?

What?! No!

You're right.

It's just that you're so pretty.

All right, get in here.


Manny, come on.

We're going to be late for the mixer.

Uh, excuse me, did I say your time-out was over?

Back on the bed.

I'm sorry, okay? No more pranks.

I promise.

I just wanted to have fun with you. Geez!

I forgot I did that one!

Aye, Manny! Por favor!

Get out. Get out!

Luke, we should talk about this!

There's nothing to talk about.

And you're not coming to this stupid party.

I'm going alone. -So am I.

-Eh. -Wow.

Like I want to take some stupid bell class so we can all find out there's one more thing I can't do.

Oh, boo-hoo. Your dad believes in you.

My mom's treating me like I'm on some Japanese game show.

Fine! You win!

You win worst parent, you win college.

Hope you have fun here while I'm shoveling poo in some underground poo-shoveling place.

Well, why'd you even come here if you're so sure you can't get in?

I don't know.

Maybe because this is the one place we might both get in.

That might make this whole thing a little less scary!

Well, that's the only reason I applied, too!

Then why are we fighting?! I don't know!

So, are we still going to the party? Yeah, I'll put on a hat!

I just wanted Luke to feel good about himself, you know?

Cheer him on a little.

Maybe there is such a thing as too much cheerleading.

You tell him he can do anything, and when he can't, he feels like he's disappointing you.

Luke knows I'd never be disappointed in him.

Does he? Luke is very sweet, but he doesn't know a lot of things.

So I'm supposed to pump him up, but not so much that he's afraid to let me down.

It's ironic that I'm struggling with this since my greatest cheerleading move was threading the needle.

It's when your seven cheermates make hoop arms --

I don't care.

I just want Manny to learn how to take a joke.

Yes, but there's a difference between a joke and yelling "Pervert!" before shoving him into the girls' locker room.

Aye, please, that was funny.

Besides, I was the one who broke a heel trying to keep the door shut.

College is a big change.

I'm just trying to keep it light for him.

For him or for you?


He's leaving me for the first time in his life.

I've been married, I've been divorced, I've lived here, I've lived there.

I drove a taxi, I won "Star Search."

Through all the changes in my life, there was always us.

Like partners.

If I don't keep this light, I am going to be very sad.

I know. It stinks.

You just have to hope they get irritating enough by the end of the year that you're ready for them to go.

Maybe I should give him his harmonica back.

That's the spirit.

Here, take my half steak.

I'll take half your fish.

I got to trick my arteries every once in a while, keep them on their toes.

Well, I don't know what you're doing, but you look great.

And you look great, too.

Oh, look, there's no line at the bar.

How about a Rob Roy for old time's sake?

Oh, you remembered, Sarge.

That was the only drink I could keep down when I was pregnant.

Who are those people?

You heard them. They're "Sarge" and "Pea."

Two nicknames I have never heard in my entire life.

This kindness, I don't trust it.

I know, it's like a purple sky before a storm. Exactly.

Beautiful until you realize the birds are agitated and ants are walking in circles.

Actually, you know what?

My -- My stomach's feeling a little weird.

I think I'm gonna take a walk, get a little fresh air.

Oh, no, you don't. You are not running away this time. No.

Let go, bossy!

Sit down. We are gonna suffer like a family!

No. Don't -- Don't stretch out my jacket!

I just got back into slim fit!

-Is everything all right? -Yeah.

-He's fine. -I just --

Oh, no, of course. Yeah, go get that.

What's going on?

-Oh... -She pushed me.

I didn't push him.

He just, you know, slipped, fell.

Sit down, sit down. You're causing a scene.

It's very embarrassing.

You have been quite rude today, young lady.

General Patton over there.

And this one is basically a cardboard cutout who occasionally sips wine and sighs.

We did not raise you to act like this.

-Oh, excuse me. -No, I-I got it.

No, in fact, you raised us to act exactly like this, okay?

You two are the ones that are acting crazy.

What are you talking about?

Who the hell are Sarge and Pea, and where were they when we were growing up?

Yeah, maybe if those two people had raised us, there would have been room in our house for other people to have emotions and somebody wouldn't have had to shut himself down.

And maybe somebody wouldn't be trying to control the whole world because she couldn't control the chaos in her own home growing up.

Oh, come on.

We all know that's what's wrong with her.

-Oh, God. -So, come on.

What do you have to say for yourselves?

-Well, you're not wrong. -True.

I'm -- I'm sorry. One more time. What?

We didn't behave well when we were married, and I feel bad about that. Me, too.

We thought we were staying together for you, but I don't know, maybe we'd forced you to live with two unhappy people for too long.

But we're happy now.

And that's probably why we're able to be our old selves today.

We should have said this a long time ago, but we didn't give you the kind of home you deserved, and for that, we're sorry.

Well, you -- I mean, there was --

There was happy times, too.

Yeah, no, it wasn't all crazytown.

It was -- Yeah.


We're good, right? We can go?

Yes. Of course. Go.

Wow. How about that?

An apology.

I don't think I ever thought it would feel so good.

I do like seeing them happy.


Ohh, you.

Shut up.

I feel stuff.

I know.


Son of a bitch! That is coconuts!

I remember you!

Do you miss spokesmodeling?

Aye, I do a boat show every now and then.

That's how I keep my hand in it.

Watch, watch.

This is how I sealed the deal.

That's you again!