Modern Family S8E16 Script

Basketball (2017)

Are you sure we need that much ice, buddy?

All NBA players use cold water immersion therapy.

Let's do it.

You're right. It's not that b--


One year ago today, I had the chance to be a hero.

It was the annual high school charity basketball game -- parents versus teachers.

We were raising money for Mrs. Martin in the attendance office who lost her house in a mudslide.

One minute it was present, the next it was absent.

Down 2, a second left, I was fouled.

The game was in my hands.

I crumbled under the pressure.

I've waited a year for my shot at redemption and left nothing to chance.


I have worked out like a madman -- passing and dribbling drills, agility training...

...and I top it all off with 100 free throws every day...

23. 24. matter how tired I am.


It had been a year of painful training, but I was ready.



I spilled juice on the rug. Please don't tell Mama.

Don't tell Mama?

What about, "Don't tell Papa?"

A boy is supposed to fear his father.

I shook in my boots around my old man, just like he did around his.

To this day, I hear the crack of a Schlitz or smell some Singleton's Beard Tonic, and I'm sweating like a mob rat in Little Italy.

Ow! Oh, I tripped!


How many times have I told you to pick up your toys?

You're funny!

Enough! Pick up your toys!

Gloria! What a surprise!

There's a mom at Manny's school that I've had some problems with.

She's your typical blonde airhead Barbie doll doctor.

Hola, Donna.

Did you wander in by mistake?

You know they don't sell shoes here.

Oh, no, I see you buy a lot of hot dogs.

It's so sad when someone just gives up.

I'm selling these at the high school charity basketball game.

Poor Mrs. Martin.

This year we're raising money to get her a new kidney So, can we count on you?

For the kidney?

To write a check, like you always do.


Money is almost as good as actually doing something.

$40 at the estate sale? Can you believe that?

Like, there's no way you'd even notice.

Dad, hi.

Turn on channel 12.

It's an exposé on cheap lumber that's got some chemical in it that's making people sick, and Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets bought a bunch of it.

Oh, look -- There's Earl's daughter, Shirl.

We caught up with the local man who reported flu-like symptoms after contact with the tainted wood.

I just wanted to give my wife a closet as beautiful as she is.

Didn't we buy some of --

Shh! Shh, shh, shh!

Can you believe Earl's dum-dum daughter bought wood from those bozos?

Of course, when you two were growing up, she was always the slow one.

You remember when she thought that balloon was her friend?

Balloon-da Carlisle.

Right. Well, back to it, Dad.

See you later.

I knew that deal was too good to be true.

And now I'm gonna look as stupid as a girl who pet two different class rabbits to death.

A spot of tea, sir?

Only if it's the fancy kind.

Oh, my God.

How good have our accents gotten?

It's insane. Yeah.

When Haley was 4, she and I had our first tea party, and since then, we've made it a tradition to meet for high tea once a year.

It's a time I've really come to cherish.

I don't love the whole tea thing.

Mitchell and Haley always come back giggling over shared secrets, and I feel left out.

I once tried to start my own uncle-niece tradition, but...

I'm not questioning the methodology behind accelerated mass spectrometry.

I'm merely pointing out that it's not singular in its power to separate a rare isotope from an abundant neighboring mass.

What's going on with you and that handsome weatherman?

Things are great, mostly.

-Mm! -Yeah.

Oh. "Mostly"?

Well, what's -- what's going on?

I mean, do you think it's okay for your partner to ask you to do... anything?

Mm, no. Not anythi anything.

I mean, we all have our boundaries.

I mean, there are still things I wouldn't ask Cam to do.

Okay. So, um, Rainer and I were in bed the other night, and...


He asked me to do something I'm not totally comfortable with.

What'd he ask you to do?

No -- No judgments. Just whenever you're ready.

So, he was lying on his side, and he said that that was part of it, and then he asked me to c--


What'd he ask you to do?

Quick, write it down on this napkin.

Rainer, what are you doing here?

Uh, you left your earbuds in my car.

I know you like to use them to ignore people.


Do you want to join us?

You don't mind, do you, Uncle Mitch? No!

It feels weird to be back here.

This gym got the better of me once.

Dad, you're psyching yourself out. You're right.

The only thing different between this year and last is I'm prepared this year.

And DeAndre Jordan and Charles Barkley are here.

Is this where we get our hand stamped?

Sometimes I like to leave and come back to things.

Uh, why -- why are you here?

Our agent's wife is a math teacher at the school.

Let's go get our seats.

We don't want anybody to block us.

Yeah, yeah. I -- I get that.

So, I'm playing in front of two NBA stars?

Plus, once people know they're here, the crowd will be like five times the size it was last year.

Well, we still live in a world with a fire marshal.

Wait. They're probably just here to show their faces and make a quick exit.

Dad, don't let them faze you.

This is what you've trained for.

You're ready.

You're right.

I just need to shake the jitters off a little bit.

I got you, Larry.

Spot up.


Gloria? Is that you?

My brain's having a hard time processing you in this context.

Yeah, I came to sell my nachos to raise money.

-How nice. -Mm-hmm.

Although, some people are saying it's too little too late, that you can't just show up and get credit for it.

I think it's mean, but some people are saying it seems disingenuous.

I just got here.

When did you talk to all these people?

I think you'll find this crowd no lika da nachos.

I'm sorry if that sounds racist.

No, it didn't.

I don't even know what language you were trying to make fun of.

Okay, since you're not leaving, you can set up down there.



It's very dark, and it's very far away!

Good luck!

Looks like that picture I Instagrammed of the three of us is a big hit with Rainer Nation. Oh!

And is it safe to post your location like that?

Aren't you worried about stalkers?

Oh, no, it's fine.

Most of my followers are just overly excited, love-starved old ladies.

Oh, I see your exclusive tea party opened up.

He just posted that.

What, are you circling the restaurant?

Hey, Rainer Shine.

You sat next to him at Thanksgiving.

Right! Manny! Sit down. Join us.

Actually, Cam, could I talk to you for a second?

Okay, before Rainer walked in, Haley was about to tell me something upsetting he asked her to do in the bedroom.

Now, I didn't get much, but he asked her to c--

To what?

He asked her to c--

Are you kidding me?

Okay, no one else come near us. Thank you.

That's all she got out -- "c--." And then Rainer walked in.

Well, we have to find out.

As her uncles, we need all the information we can so we can advise her properly.

Yeah. She's dating an older man.

If she's uncomfortable, it's our duty to protect her.

Okay. So we said all that.

-What could be "c--" be? -Hmm?

-Carrot? -Mnh-mnh.


You don't think it could be a Canadian long jump, do you?

What part would a woman play in that?

That's the last of the paper trail.


Okay, and so the red pins on this map mark all the locations of closets that were made with the toxic wood.

Okay, and we have recalled

9 out of 10 of the contaminated closets, so we only have to track down one more.

And since you didn't ask, the green pins are all the addresses of potential fathers of mine.

Oh, hey. How're you doing?

Did I hear somebody using my shredder without signing it out?




The kid doesn't fear me as he should, so I brought him in here to show him my scary boss side.

-Play along. -Okay.

Ben, how dumb do you think I am?

You found out? Of course I found out. I know everything.

It was her idea!

-Ben! -No, he's doing great.

You're in big trouble, mister.

Jay, I'm so sorry. We were just trying to s--


Come on, Joe!


Could you have rolled over any faster?

My dad didn't know anything.

That was just a big act for his kid.

Yeah, I know. I was playing along to --

Save it, okay?

Somewhere, one of these green pins is very disappointed.

Nachos. Come get some nachos.

No one even knew that I was back there.

You know it's loud when you can't hear my voice!

My goodness.

At this rate, I'll break my own sales record.

Oh. Hola.

Do you guys want to try some nachos?

That sounds pretty good.

Ugh, you are so transparent, Glenn.

Come, come, come.

We're expanding to chips.

Mmm. Mmm!

Cam, you're staring.

No, I'm not. So are you.

Ooh, I should take this.

It might be drizzle-related.

So, Haley, we are here to help you. Tell us what "c--" is.

You told him?

You can confide in us. We're middle-aged gay men.

Whatever it is, we have heard of it.


The other night, Rainer asked me if I would be into candling.

-Oh. -Oh.

You know what that is, right?

-Yes! -Yes!

It's when you do the...

And then -- And then you --

And then you do the -- the boop, boop.

Candling is where you light a hollow candle and insert it... into one of the ear canals... to remove ear wax.

Ah -- Oh, God.

The thing is, I don't know if I want to be that intimate with Rainer.

Am I really ready to see gunk coming out of his ear?

I mean, like, what if he stops being sexy?

Well, it is intimacy like that that separates casual dating from something more serious.

But what about what you said earlier, how even committed relationships like yours have boundaries?

Excuse me, what boundaries?

Hey, my phone died. Can I borrow one of yours?

You told her we have boundaries?

You told them I asked you to candle me?

Okay, I feel like this tea's getting away from us.

Nachos! Get your nachos here!



Goaltending! Ref, do your job!

I'm a pharmacist.

Oh, sorry.

-Phil. -Oh!

You seem a little tight, man.

Hey, DeAndre Jordan.

Uh, no, no, no, just working out the jim-jams.

First half's about getting a read.

Yeah, right.

I didn't realize that fans were coaching.

And you're helping the parents.

Teachers are the backbone of our country.

Get out of here.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world.

I'm so sick of you acting like you know everything.

Going to therapy did nothing for you.

First of all, stop transferring.

Secondly, how about I coach that team, you coach this team?

10 Dolphin Dollars you and Phil are going down.

Oh, um --


You can't even get a Foam Flipper with that.

Let's make it 50.

D.J., please.

How bout 50 real ones?

Okay. Make it five grand.

That's the jump?

Go win this for me.


We're on the same team!

Foul! Somebody fouled me!

Stop flopping!

Phil, come on, man. Focus!

We just bet our Olympic gold medals.

Why? No one's making you do this!

I hate that I made you uncomfortable.

I-I just wanted us to be real with each other.

I want that, too.

I think I'm ready. I will candle you.

Oh, look at that -- two virtual strangers breaking down walls when I didn't even know we had any.

When I told Haley we had boundaries, I just meant that there are certain things I'd rather not ask you to do.

Like what?

We should be open and honest about whatever our wants and needs are.

As long as we're being real, there's something you need to know.

There is absolutely nothing I --

Shh! I want to hear this. Give me your hands.

Okay, deep breath. Come on, Haley.

I draw in my eyebrows.


This is the real me.

Did he leave? Is he still here?

I'm still here, and you're still beautiful.

Stop running from me.


I have a confession of my own.

Two seconds.

I've never told anyone this.

I use tape to pull my neck back.

I knew it!

Wow. So brave.

I feel so naked right now. Me, too.

They look exactly the same, right?

No, what they look is happy because they are brave enough to be vulnerable with each other.

Cam -- It's just ironic that you won't ask me to do whatever it is because you're worried I'll judge you, but I'm judging you now for not trusting me, and that hurts.

You're right, of course.

This is only bringing us closer together.

Uh-huh! Who'd you say normally does this?

Uh, this place near my old office.

Lily in a pinch.

Okay, well, I think that's it.

Oh, no, you have to go over it one more time.

Okay, we're not painting a bridge.

Okay, I've checked twice.

There's no invoice for this last closet. Well, there has to be, and we've got to find it before my dad does.

Is there any chance you accidentally shredded it?

Don't worry. If I did, it's an easy restore.

I was regional jigsaw champion in the under-60 category.

That weird sneeze.

You sound like the guy who was sick on the news.

No, that guy was falling apart.

Aah! You can't be infected.

It's not like you've spent any time around that wood.

I mean, you don't hang out in the warehouse.

I've seen how much those guys pants you. Oh, my God.

My mom has a new boyfriend, and she doesn't want him to know she has kids, so when he comes over, I sleep in the conference room.

Which is where the sample closet is, which is why there's no record of it!

Oh, God!

I don't like to talk about it a lot, but I have a certain expertise in timber.

Even blindfolded, I can tell a Galapagos teak from a Maltese cherry.

Came in handy for a cop friend of mine.

Helped him round up the Cedar Boys.

Dad? Hey!

What are you doing in here, huh?

I'm checking out this new wood.

It's not new wood.

The hell's the matter with him?

He's got allergies. Yeah. Allergies. Allergies.

Oh, Dad, have you -- have you seen this new fish tank we just got?

Check it.

Where did you say we got this wood?

Please, stop obsessing about the wood.

-Hungry little sucker, huh? -Oh, yeah.

You sure that's okay for him to eat?

Yeah, it's fine.

Those fish are celebrated for their hardiness.

Yeah, hardy.

Yeah, they're very popular amongst rappers

'cause they do equally well in Jacuzzis and champagne.

Where's Joe?

-He's with Margaret. -Oh, okay.

I'm gonna bring him in here, have him check out this fish.

-That's a good idea. -Getting back to this wood.

Dad, the wood is fine. It's --

Oh, my --

Turns out, the wood doesn't just make people sick.

It also kills fish.

Well, I couldn't let Dad know I bought murder wood, so I sent Ben to get a replacement fish from the tank in the lobby.

So, those seem right to you? Hmm?

They're study enough.

Smooth pivot.

Even glide.

I was already suspicious of that wood, but then it kills a fish?

Claire obviously bought some of that tainted lumber, and then she tries hide it?

She must think I'm denser than a Ponderosa maple.

That's a nice, easy ride.


Hey, kiddo, why's your hand wet?

It's not. It's sweaty.

I went to the gym this morning.

Fridays, I do legs and hands.

Claire, here's the water you asked for.

Thank you!

My tooth just fell out.

You know, I got a little something stuck in my throat.

Give me a slug of that water.

Oh, no, you don't want this lobby water.

I just need a sip.

It's from the fountain, and the warehouse guys put their mouth all over it.

Just give it to me.

I can't.

Oh, my God, you actually did it.

Can you feel that thing swimming around in your belly?

You knew there was a fish in there?

I saw you toss the other one out.

You're so afraid of getting caught screwing up, you'd swallow an animal?

This sort of seems like a family thing, and my vision is tunneling, so...

All right, well, we recalled all the bad wood, but that doesn't mean that we didn't screw up.

So, go ahead, let me have it.

Tear my head off.

Tell me how I've disappointed you yet again.

And what is happening?

All day long I've been trying to get Joe to fear me.

Maybe that's not the best thing for kids.


Well, I made six Dolphin Dollars plus 20 real ones from some weirdo who wanted me to ladle cheese straight into his mouth.

Ew. All right, papi, thank you so much, but I still need help attracting customers over there.

Oh, I can see if Phil has that thing in his car that flails around like this.


No, his Tube Dude.



Can I help you with anything?

I'm just going to buy a snack with my last five Dolphin Dollars.

I don't want to throw them away.

That's how they get you.

The nachos are amazing.

But do not get anything from the stand that is over there --

The hot dog lady?

She just said the same thing about you.

You two remind me of me and DeAndre Jordan.

We have a rivalry, and I don't know why.

Maybe in life, we resent people who hold up a mirror and force us to look at the worst in ourselves.

I see what you're saying, Charles Barkley.

And that's what we call an assist.

Hand stamp.

Donna, we have to stop this fighting.

A wise man once told me that we resent mirrors that show us what we don't want to see.

That's ridiculous.

I love mirrors.

But the point is that I was mad because you made me see who I really am, and I was shocked to see what I have become.

Stop talking.

You're sounding human, and I don't like that.

I am soft, privileged lady, and I thought that bothered me.

Until today, I realized that it doesn't.

I don't want to do this.

I love my pretty, pretty life.

The only thing that makes me feel bad is that I don't really feel bad about it.

Thank you so much for opening up to me.

I almost started to feel something for you, but then when you said you don't feel guilty, my rage returned tenfold.

And I need that rage. It gets me up in the morning.

Well, if it helps you, I eat everything I want, and I work out like once a year.

You're horrible.

Oh, thank you.

All right, guys -- tie game, three seconds left.

There's only one thing that they're not gonna be expecting.

We're gonna get the ball to Phil.


They're not even guarding you.

I'm so sure of this play, I just bet Barkley my car.

Is it a-a Honda?

No, it's a Phantom with my head as the hood ornament.

All right, let's win this thing.

Phil, honey, hi! I'm sorry we're late, but at least we're here for the end of the game.

I could really use a win on the day I drank a fish.

Drank like a fish.

Wow, a bunch of NBA players are tweeting about this bet between Charles Barkley and DeAndre Jordan.

And they're live-streaming it, so like 60,000 people are watching.

Since when do people care about basketball?

Calm down, Phil. You can do this, pal.

You choose now to believe in me for the first time?

All right, Phil. You got this, man.

Two shots!

I can't go, Coach.

Ow! My ankle.

Well, well, well...

League rules dictate, if a player can't attempt a free throw because of injury, opposing team gets to pick the shooter.

Right, but you're not a know-it-all.

Don't give this anger power.

I pick you. Don't choke.

Come on, honey. Come on, Phil.

Phil Dunphy to the free-throw line.

Tie score.

This is for all the marbles, folks.

Come on!

What happened?

It's gonna take an hour to get the power back up, so they called the game.

I just feel so bad for Phil.

You know him as this happy-go-lucky guy, but he has been beating himself up over this for a year.

Oh, and he was so close!

It's gonna haunt him never knowing if he would have made that shot.

Game's on the line.

Everybody's watching.

This one's for all the marbles, folks.

Son of a bitch made it.

You know, I'm glad we're doing this again.

Yeah, I think we just put too much pressure on it the first time.

You know, humans aren't the only ones who respond badly to pressure.

Did I ever tell you about the day without eggs?

It was at the start of the Omelet Days Festival.

Up with the sun, I grab my basket, into the henhouse I go -- 34 hens, nary an egg.

I know, I know.

My grandpa said it was the worst case of avian anxiety he'd seen since Pearl Harbor.

That's when they had to take the radio out of the coop.

-- Captions by VITA --