Modern Family S8E18 Script

Five Minutes (2017)

Hey -- I just caught a glimpse of our pilot, and he looks exactly like Sully.

I-I think it i Sully.

I think that's a woman.

No, it's a -- Yeah.

Oh, I know what you're doing, you're testing the limits of my feminism.

I will have you know that I am perfectly fine putting my life in the hands of a female pilot.

Hi, folks.

This is your captain.

Oh, thank God. Mm-hmm.

Our flight time to Turks and Caicos is six hours, 24 minutes.

Flight attendants, prepare for takeoff.

All right.

Time to take that special flying medicine Ronaldo gave us.

Yes, what does "cuidado" mean?

I think it means "sleep tight"?

I don't know. Oh, well, cheers!




What happened?

Did we land?

Oh, man, that stuff is good.

Bad news, folks, we have some mechanical issues.

We need to head back to the gate.

Okay, any time you head back to the gate, that means your flight's not taking off.

All right, gather your things.

We're gonna need to scramble to find another one.

-- Captions by VITAC --


Okay, Mr. Pritchett, there is a connecting flight through Dallas that leaves in five minutes.

You can catch it if you hurry.

I don't want to go to Dallas.

We're going to Turks and Caicos.

Dallas is just where you make your connection.

I'm sorry, I'm having a really hard time processing information right now.

We took sleeping pills.

Just make your way over to gate 32.

Okay. Okay.

I can-- wow.

Wait, why do these say "Dallas"?

I have no idea. Ma'am?

Sorry, there's been a horrible mistake.

We don't want to go to Dallas.


Listen carefully -- you're connecting in Dallas to Turks and Caicos.

You need to be at gate 32 in four minutes, do you understand?

Yes. I'm not an idiot.

Okay, we have to be at gate 4 in 32 minutes.

No, gate 32, write it down.


Why is she so angry?

Isn't it obvious? She's totally into me.

She gave me a marker. Mmm! Makes sense.

All right. Okay.

I'm just gonna follow you. Okay. Yeah.


I knew it. Instinct.

Okay, yes. Wait, no, my bag.

My bag's gone. Okay, okay.

It has my passport in it.

Wait, that guy -- he has my bag.

Excuse me, sir.

Nice try stealing my bag. I see you've already painted it.

Cam, it-- it's back on your shoulder!

Oh, my God. You are good.

Cam, listen to me, listen to me, listen to me.

If we're gonna have any chance of getting to Dallas and then surviving there, we are going to need hats.



Excuse me, sir, sir, sir, sir, are you the proprietor of this haberdashery?

Can you point me in the direction of your finest sports caps?

What team?

Gay -- I'm not sure why that's relevant.

Oh. Okay.

I'll just --

Yeah, I have a question for you.

When you're outside the workplace, do you wear hats?

Or does that just kind of make you feel like you're always in the office?

Oh, you know what, I think I am going to get these.

No, Mitchell, we can't --

Oh, look, little girls' hats.

Ooh. We should get one for Linda.

Who? Um, our daughter?

No, it's Lily. Oh, I love that name.

Mitchell, why do you have 32 written on your arm?

I have no idea.

Maybe it's some sort of code, or maybe it's my age.

Do I look 32 to you?

Tell me the truth. No, you know what -- don't.

Well, if we wrote it down, it must be something important.

Hey, we should write down other stuff that seems important so we don't forget.

Yeah, okay.

Um, well, hats.

Hats, obviously. Obviously.

Okay. Ah, what else?

I feel like there was a -- A number. there was -- 32. 32.

Attention, please.

Passengers Mitchell Pritchett and Cameron Tucker...

You're hearing that, right? Yeah.

...please report to gate 32 immediately.

Are we in trouble?

I don't know. He sounds mad.

He does. Hey.

No, no, no.

No, no, no. Cam, don't.

Don't you dare.

Don't you dare.

No, I -- they just look so soft and inviting.

I-I don't think I can go on.

Tell Linda I love her.

No, you're gonna tell Linda yourself, okay?

I cannot go to Dallas without you.

The portions there are so big.


I'm just so tired. I'm so very tired.

I just need to close my eyes.

Oh! Knock it off!

Ow! You're gonna suck it up.

You're gonna pull your act together.

And you're coming with me to gate 3232.

That can't be right.

We're just never gonna make it.

Oh, my God. You're right.

We're gonna die in this airport.

Ah. Oh.

Final boarding call for flight 224 to Dallas at gate 32.

Wait, there's still time. Sir, stop!


Is there a way that you can take us to gate 32? 32, yeah.

I guess. Okay, wow.

Thank you so much. You are a life saver.

Please hurry. Okay.

We're here.

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

Mitch and Cam.

Hi! Hi! Hi, we're Mitch and Cam!

I'm Mitch, he's Cam.

Mr. Tucker, Mr. Pritchett -- you made it just in time.

Okay. Oh, my gosh.

Thank you.

Lucy, her name is Lucy.

We're coming home, Lucy!

Hey, everyone, we are firing up the hologram to the Starship Enterprise in five minutes.

Be there or be square.

I don't think he had to "or" that one.

You know, honey, now that we're here, I'm not sure it's such a great idea to barge in on Alex. Claire, I'm worried.

She's not returning texts.

Her friend says she never goes out.

This is the first act of every Lifetime movie about college girl meltdowns.

Yeah, but maybe we should give her a little head's up.

That's what Alicia Silverstone's mom, Judith Light, thought in "From Straight A's to a Straight Jacket."

Trust me, this is the best way to make sure she's not spending her nights holed up and depressed.

Alex? Honey, it's Mom and Dad.

Oh, well, maybe this is a good sign.

Maybe she's already out with friends, just like a normal --

Hey! Hey!

What are you guys doing here?

Thought we'd pop by, say hi, maybe take you out for a bite.

Unless you've already got fun group dinner plans?

My burrito's ready.

You're drinking?

Wine helps me sleep sometimes.

You know, I really wish you guys had called.

I'm so busy with school stuff right now, and this place is a mess.

Aww, there you are.

You got a cat?

It's not mine. You stole a cat?

Just like Neve Campbell in "From Yale to Jail."

Oh, God. Honey, are you sure you're okay?

It's Saturday night.

You're drinking wine in your bathrobe with a come-from-nowhere cat.

What's wrong with that?

Take away the cat, and I'm basically you.

Mm. Honey, I know what it's like to be an outsider in college.

Mm-hmm. The cool kids and I used to try to make them feel better by leaving banana bread outside their door.

We'd knock and then run off and hide behind a bush and watch them just to see the expression on their faces --


Your dad and I are just concerned

'cause you've been so distant lately.

I told you I've been busy.

Nobody's saying you don't lead a full life.

Mm-hmm. You study, you make burritos.

Maybe -- maybe you're just a little lonely or depressed.

I'm fine, mom.

'Cause we could always get you back into therapy.

Yes. Or have you move home with us.

Uh-huh. God, stop.

Why do you guys always just assume I'm some depressed loser?

Did it ever occur to you that maybe I've been so distant because I've been busy with my own life?

Maybe I'm doing great.

Maybe I'm spending time with someone special.


Yeah. Whoa.

That's right.

Ben, what are you doing?

I told you to stay in there.

I'm sorry -- I thought you were, like, building to a big reveal.

I wasn't.

You and Ben and -- Honey, isn't he 50?

He's 26.

It runs in my family.

I'm gonna look like this until the day I die.

So, this is why you haven't been coming home?

You've been dating your mom's assistant? Oh.

I'm actually a marketing manager. Unh-unh.

You know what? This might go better for everyone if you throw a towel on.

Okay, yeah. That makes sense.

Claire, co-- um, could you not fire me?

Ugh, how long have you two been sneaking around?

A couple of months.

We took a break when I went to San Diego.

What? We did? Just --

Is this okay?

Um, yeah, yeah, we put it in for her.

It's a feline burrito.

I knew I recognized that thing.

You should know -- He brings that cat to work and apparently on dates.

He thought it was time to bring together the two most special ladies in his life.

Well, I cannot go to work every day and wonder why he's got that stupid smile on his face.

Why are you making this all about you?

This is the first adult relationship I've had in...ever.

But it's with Ben.

It's okay. It's okay. She didn't mean that.

Claire, can I talk to you for a second?

Oh, you can agree with me in front of everyone.

Actually, I think you're overreacting a little.

What? We came here thinking our daughter was in some sort of a depression, and it turns out she's dating someone.

And he's actually pretty sweet and harmless.

Are you, Ben? Are you harmless?

Please don't, don't.

He kissed me.

You kissed my mom?! You kissed my wife?!

Dude, I thought I had to or I would lose my job, okay?

That's not -- Mnh-mnh. That's for real.

We were working late. It was just the two of us.

She reached over to grab a spring roll, I guess, but she got right in my face, and she whispered, "Mmm, Mama's hungry."

I have to say, Claire, this one might be on you.

Like I would abuse my position to take advantage of you and not Tony from the warehouse?

Who's Tony from the warehouse? Just --

The kiss was an honest mistake.

Maybe, but it was still a little off, like most things are with Ben.

Maybe I like a little off. And that's not all he is.

He's an amazing person who somehow gets me.

He's thoughtful and smart, and I feel like I can be myself around him.

And his nose does this little wiggly thing when he sleeps.

You watch me sleep?

Dude, I watch you sleep.

I'm really glad that this is finally out and I can tell people how I feel about you.

I really like you, Ben.

Like, a lot.

And I have never loved anyone as much as you.

Don't make this weird. Oh, yeah.

She's not sad and lonely.

No, it's so much worse. Look at her, Claire.

Have you ever seen her look so happy?


3, 2, 1.


That's my hand, Ben. Oh, sorry.

Mm-hmm. My bad.

Speed it up, Manny.

The movie starts in five minutes.

Sorry, but I'm not going over 20 miles an hour with this cappuccino machine not strapped in.

Once I perfect my foam art skills, my freshmen dorm will be the place to be.

I think we can put off that talk about using protection.

Mm, look, there's a spot right there.

Looks tight, but I'll give it a try.

You're too close to the curb.

You're gonna hit it.

Oh! What'd I tell you?

It's okay, Papi, you can do it.


Go around.

Oh, really? Well, here's a bouquet of them!

Okay, let's try this again.

Ugh, okay.Ah!

Get out, I'll do it.

Surprise, surprise.

What was that?

Nothing, I was just saying that I am surprised that you want to take over like you usually do.

But I am not. What are you cagey for?

What did I do?

Okay, this spot's not happening.

Well, I didn't want to say anything, but the other night, when we were at Jeff and Sally's, I was in the middle of telling a story, you just took over and told the ending, and that was very rude.

Okay, this one looks good -- It's huge.

That's what's bothering you?

I jumped in to save you!

You were flailing.

You were drowning in a sea of unnecessary details.

Ah! How?!

That's the way I like to tell a story.

I like to paint a picture.

A story should be short and simple.

Don't tell me anything I don't need to know.

I am taking you on a journey.

I am not teaching you how to build a bookcase.

Seriously? You saw me waiting.

You couldn't tell me you weren't leaving?

You brought your own shopping bags, but you left your manners at home.

I'm just saying your story would be easier to follow if you didn't take so many side trips and you thought about the build a little bit.

You're with me on this, aren't you, Manny?

I like Mom's stories.


I'm just gonna pull in here.

12 bucks? No wonder the middle class is so angry.

There's no way you would be able to follow her story.

Yes, he would have.

Fine. Tell it again.

A couple of weeks ago, I go to the grocery store -- the one on Washington that has the tiny little wine bar to the right.

So, I come in, I'm looking for paper towels.

And I think, "Mmm, I'm gonna treat myself with some wine and some cheese." 'Cause why not?

So, I order my drink, and when I look up, I thought I saw Sandra Bullock.

Stop. Right there, you just said you thought you saw Sandra Bullock.

I already know the ending. It wasn't her.

End of story.

Yeah, but you don't even know who it really was.

But I know it's not Sandra Bullock, so I'm not invested.

You know, I really loved her in that movie "Gravity."

Who cares? She wasn't there.

Oh, please be leaving.

May I finish my story?

So, I start following Sandra Bullock...

Not Sandra Bullock.

...around the grocery store.

She goes first to the frozen section, then she goes to the detergent aisle.

I'm thinking to myself this whole time, "I am gonna go and introduce myself, but it has to be at the right time."

So I keep following her.

Eventually, she leaves the store.

She goes outside, which was actually really hot to be January, because, remember, last year --

We know the month, we know the weather, we know it's not Sandra Bullock.

Are you leaving?

I want your spot.

Oh, please.

Don't flatter yourself, lady.

Manny, are you listening?

No, sorry. I wasn't paying attention.

Because you're not holding his attention.

And this is what I've been talking about -- too many useless details.

Get on with it.

So, she turns around, she takes her sunglasses off, which was really weird, because it was the exact same pair that I bought last year that I lost on that plane ride --

Nobody cares about your sunglasses.

Just get to the end.

I don't want to now.

The woman turns to your mother and says, "Oh, my God. Are you Salma Hayek?"

Here we go.

I'm just trying to help you.

Put on blinker, check mirrors, watch jerk steal your spot, regret quitting karate in 4th grade.

You know what, Jay, this is not about who tells the best story.

This is about you jumping in that night like you just wanted me to stop talking because I was embarrassing you or something.

You made me feel stupid.

You think it's nothing, but you hurt my feelings.

Gloria, that's the last thing I meant to happen.

You're just saying that. You don't really understand.

No, I'm sorry.

Hell, I'm the last guy who wants to make somebody feel like they sound stupid.

Did I ever tell you about the little boy from my neighborhood who stuttered?

He was real self-conscious about it.

What kid wouldn't be?

At school, when the teacher would ask him a question, he tried so hard to get the words out, but it just wouldn't come.

Rest of the kids stared at him, which only made the stuttering worse.

They'd whisper behind his back and laugh.

Finally, got to the point when the teacher called on him to answer a question, even if he knew the answer, he'd just say, "I don't know."

Then the teacher would shake his head and say, "Next time, study harder, Jay."

You were that little kid?

So sad.

That must have been very hard for you.

It was.

We're parked.

Okay, the movie's about to start.

Let's go.

Man, I haven't thought about that in years.

That was really moving.

'Cause that's how you tell a story.

Hi, could you bring out the birthday cake in like five, minutes?

Sure, do you want the whole song and everything?

Oh, that would be great. I only ask because we don't love doing it. Okay, thanks.

Hey. So, birthday boy, how you feeling?

Um, a little nervous, actually.


Uh, well.

Oh, my God.

Haley, when I woke up this morning, I just had this feeling.

And I know this is sudden, but like any mid-to-large market weatherman, I trust my instincts.

And it might have something to do with turning 45, but today my instincts told me not to wait another second to spend the rest of my life with the woman I love.

Haley Gwendolyn Dunphy, will you marry me?


Yes, I'll marry you. Really? You will?

Yeah! Oh!

It just feels right, you know?

I don't want to over-think it.

That's what I love about you.

You don't over-think anything.


Oh, you've made me the happiest man in the world.

I don't know how to say this without sounding superficial, but I need a closer look at this ring.

Yeah, sit down, sit down.

It was my grandmother's.

She hid it in her hollowed-out wooden foot during the Great Depression.

So crazy, my grandmother's on Snapchat.

It's beautiful.

I didn't ruin the surprise, did I?

I mean, I was trying to act normal through dinner.

I just couldn't hide how nervous I was.

It's how I imagine fans feel when they come up and meet me.

No, I didn't expect it at all.

I just thought you were nervous because the light's on the right side of your face.

Yeah. Oh, look at me --

I can't stop smiling. Yeah!

Usually I like to save my smiles for on-camera because they come off more real that way.

Oh, yeah. But this is worth it.


That's odd. What's wrong?

It's raining.

I didn't predict that -- I called for clear skies tonight.


Ooh, should we order some champagne to celebrate?

I can't believe my forecast was wrong.

Oh, don't beat yourself up about it.

If it helps, my weather app didn't predict rain either.

Your what? Nothing.

My God, look at those winds.

They must register at least a 10 on the Beaufort Scale.

Think of all the sun roofs left open.

Think of all the freshly blown-out hair de-volumizing.

How could I not see this coming?


Is this the only thing I was off about today?

What do you mean?

Well, let's face it, Haley. I did not think this through.

I mean, where are we gonna live?

My place only has one walk-in closet, which would stay mine.

And how's my daughter gonna feel about us getting married?

Are you gonna want to have children?

Can I even have more children?

I've spent a lot of time in tanning beds.

Um, I think you're spinning a little.

Look, sometimes when I'm reorganizing my closet, I feel overwhelmed, like I'm never gonna get through it all.

So I force myself to look at things in smaller sections.

I arrange five pairs of shoes at a time.

12 hours later, I'm done.

So, that's what we'll do.

We'll take things five years at a time.

In five years, I'll be 50. What?

What did you think 45 plus 5 was?

Well, until today, you were 44, which I had basically convinced myself was 40, and now suddenly we're talking about 50, which is basically 60.

Wait, wait. Why are you panicking?

I'm the one who can't mess up another marriage.

I mean, you mess up the first one, fine.

It's a mulligan. But the second one fails, and suddenly I'm the problem.

I lose my chance at being the spokesperson for Blue Monsoon Korean Energy Drink.

Let's just take a breath.

It's natural to freak out a little bit.

We're making a lifetime commitment.

We're going to be together forever.

Just you and me. Forever.

You just said that.

I know.

Because -- because it's great.

That's what every girl wants, right?

I mean, sure, I'm still really young and there's obviously so much more I thought I'd do before I tied myself down to one person for the rest of my life.

But does anyone ever truly feel ready to get married?

I mean, probably.

Haley. But it's not like I'm dying.

I just won't be single anymore.

I'll won't ever go on a first date again.

I won't ever have a first kiss.

I won't ever dance near a deejay booth hoping someone will like what they see and offer me a ride home.

Oh, my -- is it - is it me?

Or is it just crazy hot in here?

Can somebody open a window, please?

No, no, they can't because, as I did not predict, it's raining outside.

Ew, my finger is swelling up.

Oh, why is your grandmother's Depression ring so tight?

Give me that butter.

Here, let me help you with that.


I got it.

Ow! Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry. Nope, it's okay.

I'm fine.

At least the ring came off.


Yeah, um, feels better.

Look, um, maybe you're right.

Maybe we should rethink this whole marriage thing.

I don't remember saying that.

It's clear you're having doubts.

We both are.

Let's just keep dating and see where it goes.

I don't want to do that.

I mean, I -- clearly, I've had some commitment issues, and I know I had a momentary freak out there, but I was -- I had no idea that you w--

Haley, I know it's unfair.

I guess I was just hoping you'd be sure enough for the both of us.

You're right.

It isn't fair.

You're really giving this back?

Just for now.

Haley, I'm 45 years old.

I-I don't want to just date and see where things go.

That's not where I am in my life.

What are you saying?

Well, I think we're both saying it.

* Ha-- No, no, don't.

Oh, good.

Do you want to blow out the candles?



Wh-what happened? Are we in Dallas yet?

No, we've left Dallas. We're in Turks and Caicos.

We need to clean the plane. What?

Do you remember being in Dallas?

No, we must have slept through it.

You're wearing a cowboy hat. So are you.

What is this?

I don't think we're supposed to have that.

So, it appears I've gotten a piercing.

What? Mm-hmm.

"Murray." Why does your arm say "Murray"?

Who-- whose dog is this?

What do you mean "whose dog"?

You refused to board without him.

I did?

Okay, well, let's go.

I don't remember my bag being this heavy.