Modern Family S8E20 Script

All Things Being Equal (2017)

Jay and I are partners in a parking lot, and it's added a wonderful, new dynamic to our relationship.

The first step was hiring someone to man the booth.

We narrowed it down to the two candidates who applied.

I don't think it should be, "I hope there's a place to park near where I love to have lunch."

I think it should be, "I hope there's a place to have lunch near where I love to park."


So, Tibor, tell us why you're excited about a career in parking.

Is good.

That's a tough one.

My top three...

...Destiny's Child... Oh.

...Janet Jackson... Yes.

...and my fave... Metallica.

Oh, my goodness, you are so complex.

Tibor, what are your favorite kinds of music?


Is good?


Well, I think the choice is clear.



I like his energy. He doesn't have any.

Well, I like Joan. She's fun.

Take her to the movies. This is a business.


Looks like we're at a stand-off.

God, not the coin.

Even super-duper pals like Jay and I disagree sometimes, so...I dreamed up this baby.

If it comes up Phil, I win.

If it comes up Jay, he wins.

He hated this, but I told him, "The coin adds 10 pounds."

-- Captions by VITAC --


So, how hard-core is this march going to be?

Just a peaceful gathering of women working towards the same goal of equality.

We're not burning bras or anything.

Good, 'cause I just got my first one.

I'm not torching it before Naomi's sleepover.

This is a really exciting time for you, Lily.

This is your first taste of feminism.

We're all here as your mentors -- or "womentors".


Come on, I just coined that.

We fake-laughed at "sheroic."

The well is dry.

This stupid traffic!

Look at all these women in these cars, Lily.

It's so inspiring.

All for one!

One for all -- I am gonna cut around these idiots!

What was that?

Somebody shot out the tire!

Really? That's where you go with this?

It was a pothole.

The dashboard is going crazy.

It's a flat tire. Perfect.

I wouldn't know about "flat."

Phil! Phil!

We have a problem.


I'm trying to get to that bakery that makes those bear claws.

That chatterbox you and your coin hired is clogging up our parking lot.

Oh, great. There goes eight bucks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is this an official partners' meeting?

Hold on.

Good morning and welcome.

Partners present --

Phil Dunphy -- Put down your stupid notebook.

You're the one who wanted to hire her.

You've got to tell her to speed it up or hit the road.

I want you to know that I hear you and will address this posthaste.

Now, if we could move on to some unfinished business from the last meeting, um...

"My feelings are still hurt from you telling me all the places you want me to put the coin."

Ah, it's after ten o'clock -- too late to eat a bear claw now.

I'll be too sugared up for my nap.

Everything's ruined!

Hey. You look busy.

Oh, yeah, well, I'm just putting the finishing touches on the costumes for this year's school musical.

You mean the one that's supposedly based on your life, but is a beat-for-beat rip-off of "The Wizard of Oz"?

Mine is the story of a precocious farm kid who takes a magical journey to the big city.

How is that "Wizard of Oz"?

Cam, you have a Tin Man.

That's our high-school mascot.

We were the Mighty Milk Jugs.

You know this.

Hi, Pam.

Hey, y'all.

Listen, upstairs in the kitchen...

Mm-hmm. there, um... one of those, uh... you know, things that, uh...

Wait, what were you asking me?

Pam, are -- are you okay? Oh, honey, you look exhausted.

The baby didn't sleep again last night.

I'll tell you, I haven't been this out of sorts since that twister lifted up our house.

Told ya.

That wind was so strong it shucked all our corn.

Mm-hmm. It was like... whenev--

She sleeping? No, she's fine.

Our plough horse used to do the same thing.

Baby's crying.

Why don't I put this on pause.

I'll come up and help you out for a little bit.

Oh, maybe Mitchell should help.

He's just so good with baby Calhoun.

Aww. I ought to call you "Uncle Secret Touch".

That seems like a "500 feet away from a playground" kind of nickname.

But I will be happy to help.

Okay, well, I'll just be down here, in case nobody needs me.

Hey, wh-why don't you head upstairs.

I-I'll be right up, okay?

Oh, thank you.

You know, you try to hide it, but you are a sensitive soul...

"Uncle Sneaky Feeler."

Yeah, before we go wide with that, let's, um -- not. Okay.


What? I think it's great that she's asking you to help out with baby Cal instead of his own flesh and blood.

I guess the only thing I'm good for is putting on a wig and taking her SATs.

I cannot believe you're jealous.

I'm hardly jealous. I'm much too busy.

Oh, finishing the flying monkeys?

They're not flying monkeys.

Let me ask you -- what do you think happens to possums during a tornado?


Park it over there, next to that Buick.

There he is.

Hey, Joan. How's everything down here today?

Putting cars in spaces and smiles on faces.

Well, except for yours.

What's wrong?

Oh, no, I'm good. Yeah, definitely good.

Phil...if there's two things I know, it's people and parking.

And you look like you trying to get out of a tough spot.

You see right through me.

There was an issue at our partners' meeting.

Hold on one second.

Hey, sugar!

All right, girl, how was the office party?

I kept all my clothes on this time.

And you were right --

I stayed away from mixers and I'm not hungover!


You can't lose if it's nothing but booze.

That deserves... confetti bomb!

You're the greatest.

Park it over there by that blue Toyota.

My girl!

She is a bit of a drinker, so I like to give her a lot of space.

All right.

Now, what did you want to talk about?


Everything here is perfect.

Well, almost. Something on your mind?

No, but something is on my feet all day -- me.

How 'bout...a gel mat for the booth?

Oh, I'm getting you a mat...

'cause you're all that.

Ooh! Ha ha!

I love that!

Confetti bomb!

It wasn't like I was checking up on him.

I had my nap and I came by for an afternoon claw.

I don't have a lot going on right now.

I think it's this one.

Hey, guys, why don't we just call roadside assistance?

I'm sure they'll send somebody.

If today is all about girl power, why can't we just fix it ourselves?

I knew we shouldn't have brought her.

It's funny -- we've only been volunteering here at the women's march for an hour... Five minutes.

...but it already feels like I'm part of something big, something really special.

Would you snap a picture?

So you can prove you were here and get school credit, and be home faster than the ink dries on that poster you just misspelled?

"Women Untie"?

Still works.

Luke, these women deserve our respect.

They've had to overcome biases and challenges we've never had to face.

They're the granddaughters of the suffrage movement.

Sitting through your little speech... that's suffrage.

Oh, my God.

I-It's Danielle Pardo from calculus.

Who? You wouldn't know her.

You run in different circles.

She's in honors classes and you, well, run in circles.

Hey, Manny!

It's so cool you're here.

And I'm here, too -- Luke Dunphy.

You saw me now and you saw me at the end of the march.

If you guys are making signs, here are some of the issues -- women make 79 cents on the dollar, and the government wants to tell me what I can do with my body.

I mean, how would you feel if --


She blew my mind.

Society treats girls like second-class citizens.

I've spent a lot of time on women's websites, but none of this stuff ever came up.

You're watching strong women in action, Lily.

When we put our minds together, there's nothing we can't achieve.

This is too hard.

Ugh. I give up.

Let's just get the manual.

Great idea. I like that.

You see, Lily, there are no fairy tales, no damsels in distress.

We are more than just a bunch of pretty faces.

There's nothing in the glove box but makeup.

Ay, yeah, because the manual wouldn't fit with my emergency touch-up kit.

I would like to revisit Gloria's idea about giving up.

Oh, that's setting a great example.

What do you think would've happened if Marie Curie had given up?

She wouldn't have died of radiation poisoning.

How on Earth did you know that?

You talk about her a lot.

Until I saw her on that stamp, I thought she was your girlfriend.

Gloria, I can't believe you don't know how to change a tire.

You drove a taxi. Surely you had a flat.

I had a lot of flats, but I would reapply my makeup and I would wait and then, in five minutes, I would have my own pit crew.

You know, after we get this tire changed, do you still want to go to the rally or should we just drop you off in 1950?

Uh, guys, there's, uh...


You need help with that tire?

No. No. No, we don't. We're good, thanks.

What are you guys talking about?

She's a woman and she wants to help with the tire.

She checks all the boxes.

Right. Um...


Uh, we were trying to change our tire, but there's something wrong with the jack.

Let me check it out. Yep.

Uh-huh. Oh, that.

Okay. There we go.

...should have moved that one.

You're hired.

Great. Let's get this baby off the ground.

I'm Joey, by the way.

Hi. Thank you.

I'm Haley.

What? She's awesome, it's confusing.

I read your script, baby.

If you got third-act problems, you got first-act problems.

You are so right.

Park it next to the Honda and flush out your antagonist.

Hey. Hey, Jay.

How's Gloria, Manny, Joe, and Stella?

What, do you got index cards?

Listen, your chattiness is gumming up the works here.

You're not here to socialize, so just get 'em in, get 'em out.

Are you asking me not to talk to people?

'Cause that is what I do.

And Phil don't seem to have a problem with it.

No, but I do.

Well, to quote Sammy Davis Jr., "I got to be me."

Well, to quote Frank Sinatra, who I met once at a restaurant, "Get out of my booth."


Fine... with me.

Hey. Where do I park?

Between two lines.

Ugh, my old squash injury.

Oh, you played squash?

No. I grew the heaviest one in the county.


I had to carry it inside every night, on account of poachers. Mm.

Hi, little baby Calhoun.

It's your uncle Cam -- your real uncle, not that guy Mitchell, who's just somebody I met at a party.

You and I are gonna be the best friends in the whole wide --

No, no, no, no!

Why would you wake the baby?!

Well, I just was... He was finally asleep!

I was just... I-I got him.

I got him. It's gonna be okay.

Come here, baby.

Aww. Okay...

Shh... Thank you.

I was about to wig out worse than Princess Margaret when her boyfriend was banished by Elizabeth.

Oh, yep.

You watched "The Crown" without me?!

Come on, Cal. Yeah.

It's no fun watching this angry queen.


I can't believe you.

We're only on episode four and there are literally no spoilers.

I'm talking about you and your weird, new, little family.

You have turned that baby against me.

What did you say to him?

Cam, only you could turn this into something negative.

There's nothing wrong with your sister and I becoming closer.

We have a very special relationship -- kind of like the one the queen had with her private secretary.

You son of a bitch!

It's history.

Do you know that there are only a handful of female C.E.O.s in the entire Fortune 500?

That's crazy.

Women can drive a racecar just as well as a man.

You joke. Huh?

I'm only in high school and I see casual sexism on the daily.

I know. I hear the way Mr. Easton "mansplains" everything to you.

What's that? It's when a man tries to explain something to a woman that she already knows.

Are you mansplaining

"mansplaining" to me right now?

I was talking about your snack.

It's trail mix.

You know who else blazed a trail -- Geraldine Ferraro!

Hey, Joan, it's me...


What are you doing here? Where's Joan?

You were supposed to handle it, but you didn't, so I had to take time out of my extremely busy day and try to straighten her out.

But she didn't go along with the program, so she's gone.

You did this without talking to me?

We're supposed to be partners.

We're gonna hire that Tibor guy.

He barely speaks English, but there'll be no chattiness -- although I did try that with Gloria, and eventually they watch so much TV they figure it out.

But the coin decided. Screw the coin!

There's no line, and Joan never had this many cars in the lot.

People liked her! She was good at this!

Relax. This is parking cars, not building closets.

Excuse me?

There's like four cars blocking me in.

I'll get them out of your way in a jiffy.

Oh, no!

Oh. Oh, no!!

"Oh, no" is right. The yoga class just got out.

Here, stand on this.

You might be here for a while.

So good.



Hey -- okay.

L-Let's go to bed.

No. I'm not tired.

No, this is why your neck and shoulders always hurt, 'cause you're falling asleep standing up.

Come on, let's get you to bed.

Come on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, all right.

Ah, my prince. Mm-hmm.


Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

All right, everybody relax. Calm down! Calm down.

Who drives the Prius?

With a "Whole Foods" reward card?

Where's Joan? I need my car.

Confetti bomb.

We're full.

Everything's fine. I've rehired Joan.

We don't need her.

Who drives the car with the silver keys?

Phil, am I doing this or not?

Joan, the lot is yours.

All right. Wendy, let's get you in that minivan and home to your diabetic cat.

You cannot unilaterally rehire her, Phil.

You mean like how you fired her without talking to me?

If we disagree about something, we're supposed to flip over it!

Maybe we should flip over whether we should even be partners.

Maybe we should do it right now. Great.

If it comes up Phil, we keep going.

If it comes up Jay, we end it.

What are you two fools doing?

This isn't working out.

And it's not gonna until you start treating this man like your equal.

You think you're some big-shot boss and you can just push him around.

Thank you, Joan. Zip it!

You let him do it.


Do yourself a favor -- learn something from Jay, like how to be tough.

You guys don't need a stupid coin.

You need each other.

Now...say something nice.


I always -- I always have admired your toughness.

All right. Your turn.

I always thought you were...





And that is how you do that.

Oh. Hey, there you are.

Listen, it was wrong of me to say something weird was going on between you and Pameron.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Clearly, you guys have a perfectly normal sister- and gay-brother -in-law relationship.

You saw it on the baby monitor, didn't you?

It was even creepier in night vision.

I don't know what happened.

Y-You both have the same lips and -- and you kiss the same and --

We did learn to kiss on the same hedge post.


Mitchell, could I speak to you in private, please?

Why? Do you want to do some more neckin'?

You were bragging on it?!

He saw it on the baby monitor.

And you were watching, you horny toad?

Pam, let's calm down.

You're kind of embarrassing yourself.

I know!

I'm such a mess!

I'm just so tired!

Plus, I fell asleep to the scene of the queen's horses doin' it!

Hello? Spoiler alert. It's just...

I'm sorry if I've been such a burden.

No, you're not a burden. No, no, you're not a burden.

No, come on, listen -- the truth is, I've kind of enjoyed being super-daddy to a baby, you know, 'cause I've never had that.

Oh, what are you talking about? You were great with Lily.

No, you were great with Lily.

In the beginning, I...

I was a mess, so I let you take the lead.

I don't know, m-maybe I'm just trying to prove something to myself.

Oh, sweetie, I had no idea.

But you don't have anything to prove because you're a great dad.

You both are... but I'm a disaster.

No, white couch. Let's get you up.

I don't think I can do all this by myself.

Well, you know what, the good news is, is you don't have to do any of this all by yourself, because you have a family right down here who loves you and will do anything we need to do to help you.

Good. That means the world to me.

And besides... I know that cry, and somebody else is changing that diaper.

Not it.Not it.


So, women can't win.

They're penalized if they work and they're penalized if they stay home.


You know, Luke, when I woke up this morning and came to the rally...

I never thought I would meet somebody like you.

It's my turn.

I can't believe she's falling for this.

I've believed in this cause my whole life.

You spend an afternoon faking it and she kisses you almost on the lips.

I'm not faking anything.

She got through to me.

Women and girls and the men who honor us...

It's a crime what women in this country have to go through, and I'm with her 100%.

We will never accomplish anything without sacrifice.

Damn straight!

I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen, but...

Danielle and I made a connection and I'm sticking with her as long as it takes.

That's why, until women have true equality, I will remain celibate.

Let's get out of here.

Now that the jack is lowered and all the lug nuts are snug, you just got to tighten everything in a cross pattern.


Why don't you each do one?

If it's okay, I'd rather not get grease all over me.

Hey, you can't change the world without getting your hands dirty.

Whoa. Whoa.Whoa.

Okay. Give me that.

You're right.

This is great.

It feels like I can do anything.

You're loosening it.

Oh. Oh, sorry.

Thank you, Joey.

You did that so fast.

Well, cars are in my blood.

You know, my grandmother ran her own garage.

Huh. That's so awesome.

There must have been a lot of prejudice back then.

There was... but eventually, she started fixing Irish people's cars.


Well, uh, Lily, why don't you finish it off.

I'm not strong enough.

Well, then let me help you.

We're stronger together.

Whoa.Whoa. Whoa.Whoa.

Wow. We are stronger together.

Oh, I'm sorry I put you down before.

You are a formidable woman, Gloria.

You deserve respect.

No, Claire, you are the one that deserves respect.

You have raised three wonderful children, you run a company, you don't waste time on silly things like... the way your hair looks.

You just get things done.

And that is it. You guys are all set.

Thank you so much. Is there any way we could pay you for your time?

No, no, absolutely not.

I'm happy to help.

But let me just reset your tire-pressure monitor so that thing doesn't beep at you all day.

Yes, please. Go right ahead.

See that, Lily?

We didn't need a man to help us get out of this.

This is what happens when women help other women.


She's probably just making sure it works, right?

So that bitch stole my car.

On a positive note, it is nice to see a woman break into a previously male-dominated field.

My makeup was not insured.

It's the perfect solution.

Can't we just make a decision?

What's going on?

Oh, your father and I have been arguing about something for over an hour.

Fortunately, I've made a special coin with my face on one side and your mom's on the other.

Ugh, Susan B. Unflattering.

Okay, here we go.

It came up Claire.

Yep! Getting cremated! Damn it!

Okay, here's another one -- my head, we use our nest egg for a beach condo.

Yours, the kids' safety net.

Hey, not cool.


I'm so sorry, you guys.

Aw, you can come visit.

You know... if you can afford it.