Modern Family S8E6 Script

Grab It (2016)

Hey, baby brother!

Let's not insult us both. How much do you need?

Mom paid my car insurance this month, and I told her I'd have it today --

The number, the number. $120.

Grandpa got me a job at his country club, and I've been cleaning up in tips.

I also like the way those guys talk.

There's actually an ethnic slur for Norwegians.

It's ice ers.

Hey, buddy, they canceled my showing, so I can drive you to work.

That looks good. What is it?

Lobster Thermidor from the country club.

There's also cherries jubilee in the fridge.


Look at us eating like rich people in the '50s.

Hey, Mom! Have a good day at work.

Uh, I already did that. It's 3:30.

How are you just waking up?

I set my alarm for noon. I must have slept through it.

I was working late promoting a new club.

Oh, by the way, here is the insurance money.

Thank you. A lot of singles in there.

What exactly do you do at this club?

Oh, right.

'Cause I'm a stripper, Alex.

Oh, my God, do you really think I'm a stripper?

No. No.

Okay, well, I'm off.

I'm signing up for some business classes at community college.

Business class, huh?

Sounds like somebody's been influenced by living under the same roof with a certain captain of industry.

Thank you, honey, but none of my success would have been possible without your support as a homemaker.

Sweetheart, while I'm very flattered by your sudden interest in business, how about instead of another class, you get a job?

Get your hands a little dirty, huh?

She could run her hands through her hair.

That would do it. I've already pre-registered.

Also, I signed us up for that book signing tonight.

You still in?


Got my book right here.

Trying to make it look like you read it? Amateur.

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So, I don't really have a job title or even a set place to work, so I kind of just float around and make sure everyone has what they need.

4:00, Your Honor.

Don't forget to take your medicine.

Well, all these powerful guys.

You can make connections here that'll last forever.

Not really.

We have a lot of turnover here.

That flag outside has been at half-mast since April.


That's why we have these.

Oh. How's that work?

You find a member to sponsor you, come have some drinks with the committee, and they vote a few people in.

Similar process to a secret cheer society I was in.

Skull and Pom-Poms.

I've said too much already.

Are you thinking of joining?

Both my partners are in clubs.

They've drummed up a lot of business.

Maybe I --

Hey, there's Jay. Maybe he can --

Jay. Jay!

Jay, Jay, Jay!

Go, go, go!

Jay, wait up!

I think someone's calling for you.

I didn't hear anything. What's wrong with this cart?

You got the brakes on? Go! Ow! Your spikes.

Hey, hey, hey! Cramps.

Luke and I just split a Beef Wellington and clams casino.

Um, I'm wondering if you'd, uh, sponsor me for the new-members thing tonight.

Gee, I'd like to, but they got rules about relatives sponsoring new members, so --

No, they don't. I just did it.

Gee, they must have changed that.

Oh, great, I'll see you tonight. What time should I be here?

Oh, I think it starts about 9:30.

No, it'll be over by then. It starts at 7:00.

They must have changed that, too.

Thanks, Jay. See you at 7:00.

Wait, that was Claire's husband, right?

Yes, it was, Anders, you stupid ice I haven't had one night to myself in six months, but tonight, Manny's going to a party.

And if I can get Joe tired enough to go to sleep, I can finally relax and take a long, nice bath.

I even have a wine glass that floats.

In case I fall asleep, nothing bad can happen.

Ohh. Okay, little reindeer, we didn't get to the North Pole yet.


I'm tired of this game.

Well, we need to take this food to Santa Claus.

If not, he's gonna starve to death.

Which shirt for the party -- the canary or the daffodil?

We're not doing this again.

I just the herringbone or the tweed for your vest.

Just pick one and go.

Okay. Oh, well, this needs ironing.

Okay, jump on.

Rudolph, to the laundry room!


I know it's just community theater, but aren't opening nights so exciting?

Yes, the cream of society decked out in their finest flip-flops. Mitchell.

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

I haven't seen you since high school!

Uh, yes, it's been years, huh, uh, T-T-Tammy.

Hey, let me know if you want to roll around under the bleachers again, doll.



That's weird -- I feel like I would've remembered her.

Why was she wearing a name tag? I don't know.

Oh, there he is!

Remember that time in band when you dropped your flute in the gutter?

I'm sorry -- I never played the flute or anything --

Ha! Old gutter flute.

Okay, what is going on?

Why is everyone talking to me?

I think they're just being friendly. Cam, oh, my God.

Is -- is this one of those interactive theater experiences?

Oh, do you mean where the audience participates and the line between performer and spectator is delightfully blurred?

Mitchell, we're at a high-school reunion!

Stop pretending, all right? You tricked me.

I did not. You always trick me.

Every time we leave the house, it's like a game of Three-card Monte.

Interactive theater is fun.

It's not fun. It's never fun.

It's the worst thing that can happen to human during peace time.

Okay, you know what, Mitchell?

Please, I'm on the board, and I couldn't not bring my husband while everyone else's significant other is happy to be here.

It's interactive?

You son of a bitch.

There's a quote for your poster.

Front door open. Ay, no!

Please. Who?! Who?!

Ay, what the hell are you doing here?

I had the most humiliating experience of my entire life.

I may never leave this house again.

Okay, you're just tired.

I'm gonna make you an espresso, and you go back.

No, I can't go back there.

Did you get in trouble again for adjusting the lighting?

You're still young.

You can take a bright bulb.

I was flirting with Ava Morris, and I walked into a coffee table and hit my shin really hard and started crying in front of everyone.

Bad enough -- but then I noticed I spilled my drink on my crotch area, creating a very incriminating stain.

I ran to the bathroom and started drying it with a towel, but the door swung open, and I was viewed by my classmates vigorously attending to my groin.

Oh, and did I mention the picture of Ava's grandmother water skiing in a bikini that was directly in my eyeline?

That happens to everyone sometimes.

You're gonna be fine once you drink --

Ay, no!

Hi, Mama! Hi, Mama! Hi, Mama!

In the workplace, we women have been told to suppress it, contain it, ignore it.

Well, you know what I say?

Grab it! Grab it.

Alex is not my most expressive child, but when she enrolled in a business class and then signed up for a lecture series called "Meet the She-E-O," it was pretty clear to me what she was trying to say --

"I admire you, Mom."

So, what do you think? Quiet.

I think -- Stop talking.

I mean, sure, it was tough -- raising three kids and running a business.

But when the chance to be She-E-O arose, I had only one thought.

Grab it.Grab it. Grab it.Grab it.

I get it. I grabbed it.

I will move my seat.

A mother knows how to read between the lines.

Alex's mouth may have said, "You're embarrassing me."

But her heart was saying, "You're inspiring me."

"Leave me alone."

"Show me the way."

"Are you still talking?"

"Never stop rocking."

Okay, first question.

Ah, right up front.

Hi. Hi.

Hi, I'm Alex.

Long-time reader, first-time grabber.

Anyway, I'm a biochemistry major and CalTech, but your book got me thinking about a business career.

And now I'm considering double-majoring, but is that taking on a little too much?

Alex, look at me.

If you can think it, you can grab it.

Aah! Oh, my God!

You're my hero, Nancy. Thank you.

Who's next?


I've got a -- just a quick comment.

Um, I also raised three children, and I am the She-E-O of a large company.

And I got to say, it's like looking a mirror, Nancy.

That's great. What's the company?

Pritchett's Closets and Blinds.

You sell closets and blinds?


I could understand shutters and blinds or closets and...

We're good, Nancy.

What I wanted to talk about was how on page 1 of your book, you say you had hard time not bringing your work home.

That was just a joke.

As you remember, my business was started in my garage.


So, you know how it's not just family time that matters.

It's quality family time.

I agree.

That's why I home-school all three of my children.

The conference table in our boardroom actually rests on their play structure.

What am I saying? Stand up, kids?

Aww!Aww! Aww!Aww!

So, three daddies?

You sound insane!

All right.

Hey, Pritch, isn't that your gay son?


You've got a gay son-in-law, too?

I'm not doing this dance with you guys again.

I don't know what I was worried about.

All I had to do was let Phil be Phil.

He'd never get past the vote.

Fortunately, clueless boobs are one group the Supreme Court can't force us to let in.

So, tell us about yourself, Phil.

Well, uh, you and I have something in common, actually.

We're both Congressmen.

Go on, with that, Phil.

You're in the state congress, and I was in the Junior Tumbling Congress.

I was in Tumbling Congress.

You trampoline?

I'm on my tramp like three nights a week!

The rest of the time, I'm -- I'm with my wife.

So, I go back to the seller with an all-cash no-contingency offer that'd pay off both his mortgages and leave enough after capital gains to put a down payment on a condo.

I give him an hour or I'm pulling the offer.

I love this story. It's like a western.

It was a nightmare.

Tumbling stories, bad jokes, and they ate it up!

I'd say they were being polite, but I've personally seen two of those guys hit pedestrians and not even slow down!

No, true story! True story.

One second.

These guys are great.


You need one more move to drive this home, and I'm thinking, what does Phil bring to the party no else does?


Are you sure? I'm a little rusty.

My money's on you.

Go big, then go home.

Sounded like you said -- Hey, everybody!

Phil's gonna do a little magic trick for you.

Okay, uh...

This one is for all of the lawyers in the room because you're so good at making our money... disappear.

Oh, hold on.


Congressman Morley, enough with the taxes.

You don't see us making you pay... through the nose.

Okay, hold on. Nobody move, I got this!


Who am I kidding? I can't fall asleep.

Every car alarm, every whistle of the wind sounds like people laughing at me.

It's all in your imagination.

I just want to Netflix and Mom.

Manny, you don't understand.

An hour ago, I had made the perfect tub!

Yeah, thanks again for that, but it didn't help.


I love sugar!

Okay, that is it!

You don't want to go to sleep!

And you don't want to go to the party!

Then I'm canceling the nighttime!


You heard me. It's tomorrow.

We're going to school.

Wait for me in the car.

Hey, Jay.

If you get this, please come --

No one can help you now!

Yo, looks like everyone made it.

But where's Vlad?

The exchange student from Latvia?

I haven't seen him.

I'd love to catch up with that dreamboat.

So much has happened since high school.


I tried to find happiness in the bottom of a bottle.

A shattering depiction of human suffering.

But enough about how I felt.

I just keep remembering how Vlad and I had the best time in high school.

For some of us, that was the last best time.



What time period was all this taking place?

It didn't make any sense.

The way things ended with me and Vlad, it still haunts me.

A lot of things haunt me.

It was the night of the prom.

Car accident. Shh.

The roads were very icy.

Car accident. You don't know.

Through the mist, I saw the truck's headlights.

When I came to, the doctor told me we'd been in a horrible car accident! Car accident.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Mitchell, this is the theater. Have some respect.

All you have to do is sit there and be quiet.

Tammy, you are never gonna believe who's here.

Who? Vlad.

Oh, my God, where?

Out there.

There he is. That's Vlad.

I swear I didn't know they were gonna pick you.

They probably assumed you were fun because you were with me. They didn't know.

Vlad, come up here.

Move your country ass. I'm -- I'm leaving.

No, no.

Just go up there, hug Tammy, and wait for the surprise ending.

I don't care about the surprise ending!

You go be Vlad.

I can't be Vlad because I am the surprise ending.

What? And it's a show-stopper.

I've been rehearsing for weeks.

Now, just stop being selfish and get up there.

Just do it!

We all want to get out of here!


I didn't know how, I didn't know when, but I was gonna get him.

Vladdie, sweetie, you're here.

Oh, you're really here.

Not okay.

Oh, what a happy ending.

I'll say.

Okay, okay.

That -- That is your gum.

What a great reunion.

Yeah, everybody made it.

Almost everybody.


Hello, students!

Janitor Joe! Janitor Joe!Janitor Joe!

Or should I say farewell?

All of a sudden, I knew how.

Hello again, students.

Or should I say farewell?

And I knew when.

Wait, wait, does -- does anybody else see his ghost right now?


Yeah, who could forget how he courageously showed up to our 25th and then -- and then died in front of all of us.

No, I'm about to die right now.

Mm-hmm, in fact, I -- I remember his death went a little something like -- like this.

I've lived a long life.

Mitchell, what are you doing? Many friends.

Oh, my beautiful Bess.

Even took a trip to Washington, D.C., and had my picture made with the Congressman.

Never had any children, of course.

Which is why it was so important that I made it here tonight.

To see each of you.

You are my children!

And I want to leave you with this one last thing.

Do not go gentle --

Do not go gentle into that good night.


Rage against the dying of the light!

And I don't feel good either.

Yeah, good save.

Find anything on "Grab It" lady?

"Nancy Decker lawsuit" -- nope.

"Nancy Decker nose job" -- nope.

"Nancy Decker kills..." -- Oh!

" CEO comedy night."

Hello, we're here.


Haley, you remember that day when you said that if I ever needed a nanny, you would love to take care of Joe?

Well, here you go. No, no.

You can keep him for as long as you want.

Thank you.

Uh, no, uh, that doesn't really sound like me, plus I have a 9-to-5 job now, so bye.

Please take me with you.

What's going on?

Mama's crazy.

I am not crazy!

I just canceled the night.

Manny, maybe you could help out here.

Mom's upset because Joe won't go to sleep and I won't go back to a party.

You won't go back to a party? Why?

I suffered an unfortunate series of embarrassing incidents.

I just want a wine bath and to go to sleep.

Listen up, Manny.

Of course you want to run away from whatever happened back that party.

Anybody would.

But that just guarantees that it sticks with you forever.

But if you march back in there and you own it, you let those people know that you're better than them, and you will be a legend.

Okay. Yeah.


You, get on the couch, go to sleep.

But I'm not tired.

Don't care. Five, four, three...

Okay, I'm going!

...two... "Okay, I'm going"?

I spend hours trying, and then you just come one --

The only thing I did was not be their mother.

Look, I don't get it either, but for some reason... the kids respond better to other adults.

Yeah, but that's not fair.

Well, most of being a parent isn't fair.

Right now, Alex is obsessed with some CEO business woman author who's basically an older-looking version of me.

We're the same age, by the way.

You know that Alex look up to you, right?

Not by anything she says, no.

Yeah, they never say it.

I guess they think that they're giving the parents too much power.

They find little ways to express it.

Being a mom is like being a model.

You have to learn how to live on crumbs.


Hi, honey.



Honey, I'm so sorry about the way I was tonight.

It's okay.

I actually got to go backstage and meet Nancy.

She invited a few of us out for coffee.

Oh, fun.

Yeah, no, uh, not fun, actually.

All she did was talk about herself.

It really just seemed like she wanted an audience.

And when the check came, you know what she didn't do?

Grab it.


Joe's sleeping in the couch.

Can he stay here? Okay, thank you so much.

Well, I mean, the night wasn't a total waste.

After she left, I sat there thinking, "Why am I taking a business course anyway?"

I should go out in the world and do something.

So I saw a help-wanted sign in the coffee shop and got a job as a barista.


Yeah, I start tomorrow.

I'm excited.

I just thought, why not get out there and get my hands a little dirty, you know?


Good night.

Good night.

Sauna over here.

Hot tub that way.

Legend has it that the holes in the individual shower partitions were cigar holders.

At least that's the story we're sticking to.

Follow me, folks.

Ever been in here, Jay?

This looks like a good place to sweat out some Peach Melba.

Uh-oh. What did you do?

I'm stuck.

I think there's a wet towel wedged underneath the door.

Could you pull on it?

Is this gonna happen all the time now?

Me babysitting you every minute of the day?

It won't budge.

Oh, wait, I think I found the emergency button.

No, no! Okay!

Jay, I'm trying not to panic.

Stand back -- I'm gonna throw one of these emergency rocks through the glass!

Aah-aah! That's hot!

I'm texting the front desk.

Listen, Phil, I can't do this.

You're leaving me here?!

No, I can't have you at this club!

This is my place, damn it.


I'm sorry, Phil.

Can't you find another club?

I mean, look at my life.

I mean, I built my house, and before I even lived in it, I got married.

And that's fantastic.

And then I have my study, where I can close the door and have a glass of Scotch.

And now it's Joe's room, and that's fantastic.

But this is the only place I have left that I don't have to share with my family.

I don't want to be that guy, but did you send that text yet?

The one place I feel special -- they call me "Ace" and "Jay Boy" and "Pritch."

I'm not comfortable other places, okay?

But you -- you fit in everywhere.

The whole world is you club!

But I have this place!

You get that, right?

Maintenance arrived one minute later and packed him in ice from the seafood bar, and he was as good as new.

How you feeling?


Jay, I was thinking about what you said before.

It was so honest and sensitive.

And vulnerable.


No one needs to know about that.

Anyway, this is your club.

I'm -- I'm dropping out.

Well, you deserve it just as much as I do.

It's fine.

I can't let you give all this up.

For God's sake, there's the club chair Fatty Arbuckle anxiously awaited his verdict.

Jay, I mean it.

Well, at least let me give you something in return.

You name it.


Yeah. Well...

I don't like how happy you look right now.

This is living, huh?

How long do we have this thing for?

Only three hours.

You saw the sign.

Every bounce counts!


Get you some! Get it!

The way things ended with me and Vlad, it always haunted me.

Cam wasn't wrong about this.

We paid for the whole seat, but we're only using the edge of it.

You know, I only owe you so much.

You don't get an unlimited number of these.

Tammy, you are never gonna believe who's here.

Who? Vlad.

Oh, my God, where?

Out there.

I think might duck out early.

There he is. That's Vlad.