Modern Family S8E7 Script

Thanksgiving Jamboree (2016)


Welcome to the Thanksgiving country jamboree!

-Wow. -We got the whole Dunphy clan, Claire, Phil, Luke, Alex and -- well, and who is this happy farmhand?

I'm Jerry.

Jerry used to live next door.

He's been going through a brutal divorce for years, and he was gonna spend Thanksgiving alone.

Phil thought it'd be a good idea if he spent the day with a happy, functional family.

We couldn't find one, so he's coming with us.

So, where's Haley?

She's with Rainer.

They've been seeing a lot of each other, which is great.

Funny thing is, he was my friend first, but now I never see him. Or Haley.

Phil. It's what everybody's thinking.

I don't want people walking on eggshells

'cause he was my friend first, but now I never see him.

Or Haley.

I'm only allowed to see my children once a week.

I hardly know them.

Oh, well, Clark's head of the math club, and Tina's turned into a bit of a slut.

Thanks for the update.

-Okay, there they are! -Hi!

Don't y'all look as pretty as a peach pie on a Sunday afternoon?

For the love of God, this is the last thing I need today.

Hey, Flavor Flav, what's up with the giant watch?

It's my doctor being a pain in the butt.

One high reading, I got this thing taking my blood pressure all day.

Wait, are you okay?


He needs to quit cigars and the terrible food.

Last week, I caught him in the garage eating a Polish sausage.

What a man does behind his water heater is his own business.

Don't worry about it. I've got it beat.

Here's my trick.

As soon as this thing goes off, I start singing sweet '70s soft rock to mellow myself out.

Those songs could do anything.

Seals and Crofts came on, lady's bell bottoms came off.

-Well... -Hey, y'all.

Anybody have a hankering for a hush puppy?

(device beeping) Oh, geez.

* Summer breeze

* Makes me feel fine

-What is going on here? -* Blowing through the jas-

It's a Thanksgiving jamboree!

We have bales of hay. We have a cider press.

Ooh, we're even deep-frying a turkey.

And you're on board with this?

Yes! Come on, it's good country fun.


For Cam, maybe.

What is happening? Is he hitting you?


You did something, didn't you?

You did!

I didn't do anything.

I'm -- I'm loving this, okay?


(spittoon dings) That takes practice.

No, I am not leaving here until you tell me what you did.

Can I get you a mason jar of Chardonnay?

Giddy up.

Mr. Student Council President, have you had a chance to look at my proposal updating the honor code to address cyber-bullying?

One second.

(cellphone chimes)

Why would you call me that?


Luke somehow beat me in the election for president, and I still can't get over it.

Not to be hyperbolic, but humans are a decade away from fighting apes on horseback.

You're trying to tell me that there's absolutely nothing weird going on here?

You are dressed like a character out of "It's Raining Mice and Men."

I don't know what you're talking about.

I am enjoying this more than a farm animal missing a limb engaged in... some sort of activity.

Okay, I did something bad.

I knew it.

Yeah, yeah, something real bad.

I need Cam in a good mood before I tell him.

Is it infidelity? If feels like infidelity.

-I can't say. -Hey, Mitchell?

It's your turn to feel the burn on the churn!

Well, then I "butter" (better) get over there.

(laughs) Okay, come on!

Hey, Dwight.


So, did they just happen to have this costume lying around in your size?

Weirdly, they did.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, Dwight has one of the most important games of his season next week and I can't have you getting him sick.

Yeah, I'm over the mono.

But it could still be contagious, and I have a fun costume idea for you.

How about being an old-timey bank robber?

You gotta cover that face before the marshal gets to town.

Hi! Oh, what happened?

Oh, nothing, just a Korean laser peel.

Hurt like hell, but once the skin regenerates, it's gonna take 10 years off these moneymakers.

Hey! There she is.

Thanks for dropping her off.

Uh, actually, Rainer's daughter is with her mom, so I invited him to spend Thanksgiving with us.

I am loving this country theme!

This reminds me of when I worked for Newscenter Twelve in Tulsa, except no one here's bitter and drunk.

(strained laughter)

Gosh, I would hate for you to feel weird, though, since this is just for family.

Isn't that our old neighbor, Jerry, stuffing appetizers into a ziplock?

You know what, Rainer? You are more than welcome to stay.

Thank you.

Okay, well, I guess the main thing is all the Dunphys are here.

Hey, Rainer, what's the weather going to be like for tomorrow?

Clear and sunny skies, highs in the mid 70s, but hang onto that umbrella 'cause Monday...

Yeah, I just needed tomorrow, because that's when we're having our big family football game.

Remember last year?

We ran that play?

The Haley Mary?

Uh, but tomorrow we're supposed...

To have sunny weather? Yeah, you said that.

Rainer's taking me to Cabo for the weekend.

So, I had a problem.

I wasn't sure if my hairdryer ran on Mexican electricity.

Oh, and telling my dad.

I had two problems.


Doctors call it "hysterical impotence."

There's nothing physically wrong, per se.

But because of my divorce trauma, I guess I'm rewired down there.

I get it.

Okay, city slickers, guess who has a genuine petting zoo in the backyard?

(device beeping)

* Summer breeze

* Makes me feel fine All right!

(gasps) Wow!


Oh, Cam, and you had the scarecrow made to look like Mitch!

No, no, no, no, my mom sent that out from Missouri.

I grew up with that.

I even learned how to dance with it.

I guess, now that you mention it, I do have a-a type.

Hey, what's on this goat's head?

That's my big idea -- a camera to capture everyone's delight!

Guess what I call it.


That's also a...good name, yep.

Look, Joe. This is a goat.

(goat bleating)

Aah, I'm scared!

No, no, no, there's nothing to be scared of.

That's the way he says, "I love you."

Of all the animals, this one is the one that sounds the most like an informant being tortured.

I cannot have another son that is afraid of animals.

When Manny was 5, he went to a petting zoo with a backpack full of truffle popcorn.

By the time they pulled the pigs off him

(voice breaking) he was only wearing one sock.

Joe, relax.

Animals don't attack people for no reason.

Let go of me! Oh, let go of me!

Run, Jerry! They do terrible things! Shh!


Hey. Good news.

The box of hair products we pre-shipped has arrived and is waiting for us at the resort.

I don't care about our hair anymore.

Hey! That's crazy talk.

I still haven't gotten up the guts to tell my parents.

My mom will be cool, but my dad is gonna freak out.

Well, I'll tell him.

Your dad and I are buds.

And I am excellent at delivering bad news with a smile.

And that means the Coast Guard will be spending the holidays with their families, because the search has been called off.

Wow, you're good.

Phil. Hey.

I know we haven't been spending enough time together lately, but I scored this amazing villa in Cabo for the weekend, and I wanted to take a special someone.


I know you have your big family football game, but it's right on the water.

Horseback riding on the beach.

I see us both in white shirts.


Claire, I know.

It sounds like the best weekend of my life, mi amigo, but I can't.

It's family time.

He wants to take Haley.


Did you think I was asking you? can't yank a brother's chain?

You trippin'?

(laughs) This guy!


I'll send you some pictures.

Okay. But not from the nude beach. Ooh!

Oh, that's funny 'cause it's my naked daughter!

(voice breaking) And you're taking her away!

It's okay.

See? They like it when you pet them.

And when you look into their eyes, you can see that they're very smart.

They have a very deep soul.

What's his name?

Name? It's a goat. Just touch it.

I know it's a bummer, Haley going to Cabo.

I wouldn't salt those margarita glasses just yet.

Once I remind her how much fun Thanksgiving weekend is here, she's not going anywhere.

Well, I hope it goes better than your big presentation on why the Ice Capades were cooler than Coachella.

Hey, honey. Hi.

I heard you had some tentative travel plans.

Actually, we just checked in for our flight online.

Thanks for being so cool about this.

Of course. Mmm.

Potable water.

(chuckles) We take this stuff for granted stateside, don't we?

It's a five-star resort. I'm sure we'll be fine.

(sniffs) Smell those side dishes.

They're gonna be even better tomorrow at the post-game picnic.

You know what's not a picnic?

Putting on your bedroom slipper and getting an ankle full of scorpion.

Thanks, Dad. I'll take my chances.

That's what you said about Coachella, and you missed Kristi Yamaguchi doing a triple twist lift with Jiminy Cricket.

(clears throat) What?

You are not allowed to eat those with your blood pressure.

Don't worry. These chips won't show up for a couple of weeks, and by then I'll have switched doctors.

Sorry, Gloria's orders.

Hey, Jay, looks like you could use a little square dance.

That would be about the last...

* Ho, grab your partner, swing 'em 'round *

* Put on your best suit and go to town *

Cam, why are you...

* Eat some corn and ride a horse *

* Are we having fun? Why, yes, of course! *

That's it! I'm out of here!


I need some aspirin. I'm going to a pharmacy.

I'm coming, too. No reason.

Apparently, you don't need a reason to leave your family.

I'll go, too. I'm out of Ramen and Xanax.

What's happening?

This is what we in the weather game refer to as a "high-pressure system."


This reminds me of the time I walked in on you watching "Top Gun".

You need to stop telling that story.

Whatever you did to Cam, it can't have been that bad.

And it is not worth this.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm worrying too much.

You are.

I gave Cam's Fizbo costume away.

Oh, my God, he's gonna kill everyone in the house.

The truck was here, and there were so many boxes, and you know how excited I get about a deduction.

Listen to me.

He's not going to believe that this was an accident.

You can never, ever tell him.

He's gonna know it's missing.

I mean, he pulls it out for everything.

Birthday parties, brunches, hot yoga...

Blah. Mm-hmm.

I-I need to wait for the right moment.

There's never gonna be a right moment.

Hey, ain't nothing in the world that can get me down when I'm holding a little piglet.

Look at her!

It's time. Sweetie? Don't do it.

Don't do it. Don't do what?

I need you to sit down for this.

Take a bale.

Think of the children.

Lily, Dwight.


I gave Fizbo away.

(piglet snorts)


I know how much that costume meant to you, and I am so, so sorry.

Well, it's a lot to process.

I know. Accidents do happen.

And I am holding a little piglet.


I forgive you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a turkey to deep fry.

Here. Hold Connor.

No, I (mutters) Okay.

I married the sweetest, most understanding man on the planet.

Or he's done something even worse to you and wants to get you in a good mood.

(scoffs) No.



You don't have to cover your face.

I don't care what Coach Cam says about mono.

You're way too pretty.

Oh, no. (laughs)

I mean, listen, I'm flattered, but even though you are so, so tall (chuckles) you are in high school and I'm...

Very beautiful.



I was going to say, "in college," but thanks.


Stop it, oh, my God!

Ugh! Dad is killing me.

He's trying to guilt trip me out of going to Cabo.

When is he gonna let me live my own life?

Maybe when you stop living out of his basement and eating all of his food.

You're right. I am a victim.

I should get this tiny mouthwash for Haley.

It's the abandon-your-family travel size.

Oh, dear God.

I know -- Corn Nuts, two-for-one sale.

I feel like God's giving me the middle finger.

No. That's my wife's divorce lawyer.

I can't believe it.

That bastard was my ex's lawyer.

-Are you kidding me? -Whoa.

I bet he's here to buy some extra-small condoms, the kind that they keep behind the counter.

Shut up.

I keep having this dream that he's dying of thirst in the desert, and I hit him with my car.

-I thought you were over it. -I thought I was.

Let's get out of here before my cuff explodes.

Yeah, he already ruined my family.

I don't want him to ruin my Thanksgiving, too.


We're not going anywhere.

It's time someone stood up to the weasels who sweep into our lives, break up our families, and take our loved ones to Cabo.

I feel like you're making this about you, but you're right.

Do you know when my high blood pressure started?

When I met that guy.

Is this when someone's supposed to say, "Get him!"

-No. -You hold him down.

I'm gonna beat him with this orthopedic shoe.

Come here!

Let's not lock into our -- our first idea.

I love you, Mr. Goat!

Aw, you see, Joe?

You listen to Mommy, and now you have a new best friend.

(goat bleats)


(goat bleats)

You're cold? I'll go get you a blanket!


Well, if he was going to get the pig a blanket, you know what that would be called.

Pig in a blanket? Okay, I teed that one up for you.

All right, it's time to fry this turkey.

Somebody please lower my splatter goggles, boys?

You heard him.

You do it.

You're not the president of goggle lowering.

I would be if they took a vote.

What could Cam have done? (gasps)

Maybe he's the one who's having an affair.

I saw a list of clues in a magazine.

Has he joined a gym or bought sexy new underwear recently?

I think it's sweet that you think we're capable of having an affair, but we're just so tired.

All right, now, boys, the key is you drop it nice and gentle like.

Mono! (screams)

(goat bleats)

Runaway goat!

(goat bleats)


Aw, you wanted to run to the barn!


Let me put a positive spin on this.

Who here likes goat?

Hello, you son of a bitch.

Hope you like that deodorant, 'cause you stink!

Wart remover -- well, if that works, there'll be nothing left.

Well, well, well. Norbert and Pritchett.

Jay, I don't think I ever got a chance to thank you for buying me my first Ferrari.

I wish you drove it off a cliff.

Like the one my house is on, which you also paid for, thank you?


This doesn't sound like we're getting him.

Look, you want some free legal advice, fellas?

Three words -- Ladies. Leave. Losers.

No, sir, we have three words for you.

Have you no sh-- have you -- have no -- have you no shame -- it can be four words.

Who's this chuckle-head?

Someone who you're never gonna know, 'cause I'm happily married most of the time.

Aw, that's what they all say.

Then one day your wife wakes up and says, "Oh, my God!

I married a moron!"

She calls me, and I'm like, "Hello, Mrs. Chuckle--"

(basket thuds)


(device beeping)

Yeah, that's about right.

He might have had a heart attack.

We probably ought to do something.

Oh, I saw some champagne back there.

It's the guy on the ground!

Oh! Take the defibrillator, I'll call 911.

Guys, help me out. I don't know what I'm doing.

I watch a lot of "Grey's Anatomy," but I fast-forward through the non-romantic scenes.

No, no, no, we're not gonna save him!

Jerry, no, Jerry.

Jay, get him off me!

Look at his basket. Wasn't much of a life.

(electricity surges) Ohh!

Ah, hell, I'm gonna regret this.


I'm feeling better, Pritchett. I think it was just gas.

Better safe than sorry. (defibrillator powers up)


Oh, I deserve some of the blame.

I made my farmscape too inviting.

Okay. This is a mess.

What are we gonna do now?

Alex, how many goats have to die until you get a handle on your insatiable appetite for high-school boys?

Actually, i-it's my fault.

Ooh, Dwight. We're good-looking guys.

We don't apologize for it.

I got you a blanket, Mr. Goat.

No, no, no, no, no!

We're going to wait for Santa Claus by the chimney!

But it's Thanksgiving.

What about Mr. Goat?

How come I don't hear him anymore?

Ay, Mr. Goat is fine!


Did you hear that?

What is it, Mr. Goat?


He's saying that he needs some time alone.

Look, there's some cookies for Santa.

Here, why don't you go and sit by the chimney and wait.


Hey lookit, it's not my place to try to parent your kids.


But one thing we learn on the farm is that death is a part of life.

If you tell Joe what happened to that goat, death is gonna be part of your life.

You know what? Kids can handle a lot more than you think.

And every step, from birth till the end, has its own magical beauty.

So, do we jam the goat in the garbage or heave it over the fence?

Teach your children well.

Hey. Thanks for before.

You know, pushing me out of the way of the goat.

Don't worry about it.

It's more about protecting the office.

Look, I think we both know you should have been president.

Maybe I've been hard on you 'cause I'm jealous.

GLORIA: Yeah, okay.

You two keep making out while I carry the dead goat.

Mr. Goat?

(weakly) Baaaa?

Any suspicious activity on that phone bill?

Well, Cam spent $100 on the psychic hotline... (gasps)

...but that's normal during the run-up to awards season.

-Oh. -Hey.

I just saw we were running out of pumpkin dip, and I know it's your favorite, so I brought you some.

What's your game?

Yeah, show us your underwear. What?

Hm. Why were you so understanding about Fizbo, huh?

What are you hiding?

-Hiding? -Mm-hmm.

Shame on you.

It's Thanksgiving.

I want to celebrate with my husband, my daughter, my lovely family, Jerry.

I think it's sad that you two look at life as some sort of game where everyone's trying to get away with something.

Some people are just nice.

They bought it.

Truth is, I paid for the jamboree with money we had saved for a romantic Hawaiian vacation.

I even sprung for fancy straw bales flown in from Missouri.

(sniffs) Ohh. That's class.

The hell happened here?

(groans) I think I felt enough for one day.

-Ohh! -Oh!

It's possible I've been electrocuted one too many times.

You know, I learned something today.

I saw a man nearly die right in front of me.

And this is a constant reminder that it can happen to me at any moment.

It's a lot to think about.

So I'm not gonna.

Phil, get me a beer.

Jerry, get me a scotch.

I learned something today, too.

It's a lot right now, Jerry.



What's the matter, kid?

I loved Mr. Goat.

He died. Ohh.

Please don't smoke.

Hey, don't you worry about a thing, Joey.

I'm not going anywhere.


Dad, I don't care what you say.

I'm going to Cabo.

You sure are.

Sure are gonna get kidnapped by Aztecs and sacrificed in a volcano.

I get it. No, honey, I want you to go.

I-I'm sorry about earlier. I was mad.

And instead of talking about it, I pushed it down and it came out in some ugly ways with my beautiful daughter and a lawyer who has warts.

Anyway, it's just more and more of your life is happening away from me, and it's normal and good, but it's hard.

Damn it, why do you have to be so sweet?

Now I feel guilty.

Don't. Go to Cabo. Have fun.

You know, I could play football today.

Run that Haley Mary?

That would be so wonderful...

Oh! Ow!

Electrocuted again? Real bad.

-Okay, break! -All right, everybody.

Welcome to the 15th annual Thanksgiving football game, being played a day early.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention how beautiful it is that we're all together.

Is it just me, or can you feel the love...

Can we please do this?

-All right. -Down!


Phil, we're good, right? Oh, we're great.

You should really take Claire to this resort.

Very romantic.

Blue, 39!

Heart-shaped Jacuzzi in every room.

Kansas City, Kansas City...


(sighs) Actually, now I'm great.

Oh, my God, Dad. Seriously?


Ah, what a beautiful day.

Oh, I am exhausted.

I'm counting down the days till we're in Hawaii.

Sweetie, I don't know if you can count that high.

You remember how cool I was with the whole Fizbo thing?

Cam, you spent the Hawaii money on this party, didn't you?

What is wrong with us?

From now on, can we just be honest with each other, all right? No more games.


Hey, daddies. You look tired.

I made you some grilled cheese sandwiches.

Love you.

Well, there's something we did right.


I needed them in a good mood.

I kept this from the petting zoo.


-- Captions by VITA --