Modern Family S8E8 Script

The Alliance (2016)

Ahh, breakfast lasagna!

Great call, honey.

Stay away from it.

It's for everybody tonight.

That's two meals away.


Hey, Colonel, what's up?

Mommy, could Ivan come for dinner?

No, seƱor, 'cause tonight the whole family is coming over for dinner, 'cause we're gonna vote on where we're going on vacation this year.

A vote with a moral stain on it, since ballots are reserved for land-owning adults.

Because nobody wants to go to the birthplace of Edgar Allan Poe.

Damn Colonel screwed me and took his name off my petition.

I'm trying to overturn this dumb rule the club passed banning cigars within 40 feet of the main lodge.

When my country passed a law that allowed them to drown 14 year olds, you said, "These things happen."

I just bought a box of El Conquistador Especiales.

And they deserve to be smoked in a fine leather chair, not out by the fountain in some heavily-spidered area.

I don't want this in my house.

Can't smoke at home, can't smoke at the club.

Maybe Stella has room in her doghouse.

Where is she, anyway?

Haven't seen her since the morning.

I don't know where Stella is.

I think it has something to do with the shock collar that I had to put on her because she kept running away.

Maybe I tell Jay that I thought it was a necklace.

He was the one who wanted to pierce her ears.

Hey sweetie, your breakfast is on the table.

Ah, what's this?

Oh! Ooh, let me guess.

The guy in the cologne ad.

I've named him. It's Giovanni.

He's in love with me.

Well, he's leaving you for me.

I'm sorry.

We never meant for it to happen.

What's that?

Toast, toast is done. Those Russian brothers who are renting the unit upstairs, are they... Gone.

Because it's already been 30 days, okay?

And the rules are very clear.

I know all about squatter's rights, Mitchell.

Why do you always have to treat me like I'm some irresponsible...


The Russian brothers wanted one more night.

So I took cash, and I didn't tell Mitchell, and now they won't leave.

We have squatters.

First termites, now squatters.

At least the termites weren't my fault.

Look at this beautiful side table somebody just left on the street.

Oh, do you need a hand? No, it's like ridiculously light.

Flapjacks for mi amore?

Oh, grazie. Ugh. I don't know what's more syrupy -- you two or Luke's chin.

That's weird. I haven't had breakfast yet.

You'll have to excuse us.

Your father and I watched a very romantic movie last night.

Okay, Google, play the soundtrack to "Spaghetti for Pepe."

Playing soundtrack.

Ooh. Mi scusa.

Whoa. Watch the new kicks. What?

You have another pair of new sneakers?

What is that job at the club paying you?

It's the tips, mom.

There's this one lady, hold the door for her -- 10 bucks.

Bring her an ice tea with lemon, another 10 bucks.

Best tips I ever made was when we passed the hat after a performance of my improv group, "Rule of Three."

We were known for our sketches, song parodies, and full-frontal nudity.



You are all out of orange juice.

I understand.

I have to go out for orange juice.

Yes, I understand.

I have to go out for orange juice.


I have to go out for orange juice.


Thank you for coming. I have a problem with Russians.

Being married to a Pritchett is great.

So great! The best!

But they can be a -- a tad judgmental.

Almost punitive. They are monsters.

That's why the three of us formed a -- a secret alliance to help each other cover up our -- our little mistakes. Like back in December, when I hastily purchased an expensive prop for an open house.

Thanks so much for hiding it.

Claire would kill me.

And it's only till Monday, when I can return it.

Don't worry.

Ay, Ay!


Oh, welcome home!

You're so early, right? Not really.

There is that smile that I love.

Why don't you take me to lunch? Okay.

What happened here, anyway?

You get into Joe's scented markers again?

So now, I have scary Russian squatters who won't leave.

We'll have a small window when Mitchell goes to the gym.

He usually stretches, takes a lap around the locker room, and then gets a smoothie.

You two deal with the Russians, and I'll keep Mitch distracted.

Anything else? Yes.

Our gate is broken, and Stella keeps getting out in the street.

I bought her a shock collar.

We thought about getting one when Luke was younger.

Claire ended up just shaking a can of pennies at him.

It spooked her and she's hiding.

We need to find her before Jay does and sees the collar.

He has warned me many times not to get one because they are cruel.

All right, we'll deal with the Russians first, then come find Stella before the big vote.

We do not have much time.

We need to go.

I actually ordered a sandwich.

Is Rainer not here yet?

Oh, no, he is.

He, uh, signed a head shot I didn't ask for, and then went to the bathroom.

There's his daughter.

I've never met a boyfriend's daughter before.

I mean, I went out with Stacy's dad, but I've known her since, like, kindergarten.

You're nervous? I mean, how could this go wrong?

She's a teenage girl. That's when you peaked.

I know.

I guess I just really like this guy, and I want to be able to show him I can fit into the more complicated parts of his life.

Hey, princess.

Hey! Hey.

Six people filmed me arguing with that meter maid, and no one caught this adorable moment?


So, you must be April.

Uh, yeah?

April, tone.

I'll grab a chair.

Sorry. That's work. Gotta take that.

Anyways, I'm Haley, your dad's, uh --

Latest? Yes!

Flash flood in the Mohave, they need me to cover.

The water's already ramp high at the senior center.

You know, a puppy floats by on a pizza box, this could be national.

Oops, snakes. Our day!

I'll just go to mom and Jeff's.

No, no, we were supposed to get to know each other today.

Um, I can watch you.

Because I'm 4?

Oh, tone.

Are you sure?

Yes. Girls day. We'll meet you later.

Oh, okay, thank you for understanding, sweetie.

No problem. No problem.

Tragedy strikes.

Dozens dead.

Tragedy strikes.

Dozens dead.

And our final order of business is our entry to this year's Expo Internacional du Closet.

What do we got?

Okay, so we all know that Europeans prefer strong but simple lines... Mm-hmm.

...which is why I think that we should go with the Trafalgar.


It's sturdy, dependable.

On the other hand, the Matterhorn is a chance to shake things up.

Think about what the Danes did in '02.

Also valid.

It's bold, innovative.

Ah, gotta take this.

Civil rights issue over at the club I have to deal with.


What's so funny?

What are you laughing at?

It's so cute how nervous you are about your first expo.

It's like every time we throw out an idea, you have to look to see what your dad is thinking.

I don't do that.

I-I-I don't do that at all, Dom.

Maybe you do that with your dad.

Gary won't sign my petition unless I sign his.

It'll be a cold day in hell before that hippie tees off in flip-flops.

Where were we?

I was just about to make my decision between the Trafalgar and the Matterhorn.


I got the power suit, the corner office.

A closet doesn't get installed in this town without me knowing about it.

But one important decision, and suddenly I'm this pig-tailed little girl in Mary Janes looking to daddy to tell me I'm smart.

Uh, it's...too important a decision to make right now.

I'm just gonna take the rest of the day to think about it.

Okay, but Munich needs to know by 5:00.

I know, but this is a tough choice.

Is it?

Hey, I brought your clothes for tonight.

Oh, thank you honey, that's so sweet.

How's it going with, um... The Wi-Fi won't work, and this whole place smells like Cup O' Noodles.

Mom, this is April, Rainer's daughter.

Pleasure to meet you.

Hi. So, I'm gonna look for a ladies' room.

Do they have those in factories?

Uh, we do, yes. It's just down the hall.

Just down the hall. Thanks, echo.

What's so funny?

Oh, just you dealing with a teenage girl.

Not as easy as it looks, is it?

Excuse me. I'm doing just fine.

Hey, kiddo.

We gonna see you tonight for the big vacation vote?

You bet.

Mind if I bring an unbearable teenager?

What's one more.

Listen, I'm gonna run over to the club and scare up one last signature for my cigar petition. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Oh, have you decided on what closet for the expo?

'Cause I was thinking --

No! No, no, no. No, thank you.

I will let you know when I have made my decision.

Sure. Sandwich looks good.

Does it? Does it look good to you?

'Cause that doesn't mean it's a good sandwich.

It's not. As a matter of fact, it's not a good sandwich.

All right, see you guys later tonight. Uh-huh.

Just do it. Okay.



Kevin, was that my grandson taking off in that sportscar?

Yeah, it was. That's quite a spin on that response.

What's going on?

Maggie Braithwait has some work for him to do around her house.

She's got an eye for the young ones. Should I be worried?

She might try and pressure him a little, but Luke's a smart kid, right?

Damn it.

Oh, thank God you're here.

I can hear the Russians upstairs laughing at democracy.

All right, shall we?

No. I work alone.

If you hear two bodies hit the floor, it's done.

If you hear three, one tried to get back up.


Oh! I'm so sorry!


Oh, Mitchell!

Wow, that's crazy.

Is -- is this your gym?

Yeah. Oh.

I was just heading into the post office.

You mind keeping me company? They're always quick.

Oh, well, actually, I gotta --

I don't have my keys.

Oh, I must have dropped them.

Oh, no. Well, I'll -- I'll help you check the gym.

You remember what machines you were using?

All of them.

We scoured that gym.

It actually did take a crazy long time, because Mitchell kept getting lost.

But I still needed a little more time.

Ugh, sorry that took so long.

I can't pass up a library book sale.

I mean, a dollar for as many magazines as you can fit in the car.

Yeah, National Geo--

Land of Savages.

How old are these?

Hi, honey.

Hey, Phil, I know you already went to the store for O.J. this morning, but can you go back and grab some wine for tonight?

You got it.

Ciao, bella.

You went out for orange juice this morning?

That's a coincidence. Cam did too.

That is a coincidence. That's -- that's really...

Every day, I take Joe to a park in a Russian neighborhood.

We like it there.

I have picked up a few phrases that the Russian nannies tell to the Russian kids.

Well, it's pretty simple, Mitch.

You just touch everything, and then when the tow truck guy shows up and sees your dirty paws, he knows you're a pro.

Also, say "fan belt" as often as you...




The red panda's left the zoo.

Red panda? Mitchell's code name!

I stalled him for as long as I could, and he got away.

Okay, well, how much time do I have? I'm not sure.

I don't really know where I am.

All I can see is --

Oh, there's your house. What?

Cam. Hi, sweetheart!

Save the Southern charm, Scarlett.

Phil was clearly just trying to keep me from here. What?

Yeah, I-I lost my keys, and sudden-- suddenly he shows up and --

Does this have something to do with the thud we heard upstairs?

Mitchell, I -- I say this with love, but you're coming unhinged.

The suspicions, the accusations, the mechanical sexual performance --

Where has Mitchell gone?

Yeah, I'm -- but I'm not a doctor, so if you think something's going on upstairs, by all means, let's go take a look.

You know, on the other hand, if I were a doctor, I would say, "What's up with all the conspiracy theories?"

It's textbook paranoia.

Everyone's talking about it.

But again, not a doctor, so shall we?


Well, you know, there are 30 different ways to say "I'm sorry" in Russian.

I'm sorry.

Maybe I was being paranoid.

Apology accepted, and I'm sorry for calling your lovemaking mechanical.

I actually really like your shy, school teacher character.


El Conquistador Especial.

My dad's brand.

That doesn't explain the lipstick, though.

No, my dad won't even wear Chapstick.

He says it's a gateway balm.

Grandpa? Oh, geez.

I knew I should have run that yellow.

Where's your shirt?

Mrs. Braithwait wanted me to move some boxes, and told me to take it off so it didn't get dirty.

But I kinda feel dirty anyway.

Grab your shirt. We're leaving.

Luke, let's get those dirty, tight pants in the wash.

Oh, hello.

How are ya?

I'm here to pick up my barely-legal grandson.

I recognize you.

From the club, right?

You're the one fighting that silly new cigar rule.

Excuse me?

Where'd you put my shirt? Give us a minute, kid.

It is a dumb rule, isn't it.

It's terrible.

My late husband loved smoking in the main lodge.

Is that whose cologne you made me put on?

Hey, hey, hey. Boxes, right?

I've got a petition here.

Why don't you read it quick?

You might want to sign it.

Oh, I'm not sure now's such a good time.

My neck is so...

Luke, get in there.

Put your magic fingers to work.

Mm. How do you know my body this well?

Right there on the "X."


Oh, you seem relaxed.

I should stop.

Not just yet.

If it would be easier, just hold the pen, and I will move the paper underneath.

If I'd have known you were this good, I would have had you do my feet.

He's gonna get there.

He's working his way down.


Probably just your initials would be okay.

You know what?

If you don't mind, I'm gonna sign this later, send it home with Luke.

All right, come on.

We're done.

Okay, but, uh...'re definitely gonna sign it, right?

Definitely, promise. All right.


Luke, we should probably get upstairs and flip that mattress.

Luke, I'm sorry.

I forgot your mom needs you home for your piano lesson.

Let's go. Gotta run. See ya.

Took you long enough.

Oh, please, it was an extra 10 seconds.

What could have happened?

She asked me to do push-ups while she put on her wedding dress.

Wow, she jumped right to the Honeymoon Handshake.

It has a name?

Don't you and your dad ever talk?

Okay, we've searched everywhere for Stella, no sign.

Yet. Don't worry, we'll find her before the gray goat does.

Who? Jay. Come on, guys, I spend a lot of time on those code names.

Okay, hurry, because he takes a picture of her every day at the same time because he's making a flip book.

Ay, watch out, watch out.

I think Mitchell is looking at us.

Okay, I thought I cooled his suspicions this morning.

Laugh and disperse.


Hey, mom. Red wine? Oh, thanks.

Grandpa said you'd like it. Really?

Well, who cares what he thinks?

Just 'cause he likes something, I'm supposed to like it?


Mm, and of course, it's gross.

Okay, well, I'll just take it back then.

No, no! No need to make a big deal out of things.

I'll just drink it.

Hey! Any word from your dad?

He texted me, like, two hours ago.

I told him how you kept the car running when you got gas and could've blown me up.

But you told him about the fun things too right?

We had that huge cookie, you spun away from me fast and got your hair in my mouth.

What was that for?

My friend Betsy has an Insta about sad stuff.


Oh, I-I wasn't... No, it's okay. I don't judge.

I'm wearing a clear coat on my nails. Ah.

Yeah, I know, what a chowder head.

Hey, speaking of that regional delicacy...

I am not voting to go to Boston just so we could see where America's first ghoul was potty trained.

Care to wipe the lipstick off my neck from where you bit my head off?

Hey -- And why is there no orange juice?

My mom went out for some this morning.


That you find interesting?

Might as well pack for SeaWorld right now.

Hey, guys, have you seen April?

Just saw her a minute ago.

She had me pose for some Instagram thing her friend does.

What is this?

Clothes that don't come from a mall. Hold on, hold on.

I'm supposed to be watching you.

I'm going to Betsy's. My Uber's out front.

Who is this Betsy?

Are her parents even home?

And you're 14. You're not Ubering anywhere.

Also, you -- you can lose the makeup because you look like a prostitute at an electronics convention.

Now, go wipe it off and help set the table.



I'm -- I'm not used to being all parenty, okay?

No, you did a great job.

Oh, thanks.

I just felt weird 'cause you were standing right there, and you're, like, the expert.

Oh, I am hardly the expert.

I still...

I still have my own stuff to work on.


Maybe I shouldn't have called her a prostitute?

You gotta have fun with it. Hm.

Hey, dad.

I'm sorry that I barked at you today.

It's just with this whole Expo decision...

...I hate feeling like a little girl that needs her daddy's help.

But I guess there's no harm in looking to the guy who's been knocking it out of the park for 25 years, right?


And the best advice that guy could give you is, go with you gut...

'cause you're good at this.



And I -- and I have made a decision.

I'm going with the Matterhorn.


Damn it.

Look who I found!

Ay, thank God!

This is the first time I'm so happy to see her.

Let's get this shock collar off before he gets...

Hello, guys! Oh!

There's my little baby. Ah!

You two, take these in the house.

I've got a couple left in the trunk. A little help, buddy.

Oh, on the other side of the gate? Come on, Phil!

Couldn't they just circle back around?

Say what? It's nothing.

All right, take that.

Oh, mama!

What's wrong with you? Pick it up.

Yeah, let's do it. Let's pick it up.

Aah! Aah!

What the hell's the matter with you?

Why are you making those sounds? I don't think that's...


All right, when you're done here, come back 'cause there's more.


What the hell is that?

Is that a shock collar?

I don't know, but this is a shocked face because I have never seen something like that in my life.

So you obviously bought it.

I just didn't want Stella to walk out in the street.

That's what a leash is for!

You're a bad dog owner.

Bad dog owner!

Why did you have it?

Well, I know why.

Yeah, because they're all working together.

Oh, here we go.

You should've heard his paranoia this morning about the -- the Russian renters?

Oh, I'm glad -- I'm glad you brought up the Russians because look at what I found!

That's my El Conquistador Especial.

Gloria took that from me this morning.

Oh, let me guess, right before she went out to buy orange juice.

That's right. Except for she wasn't.

She was with Cam getting rid of the squatters while I was being stalled by that man!

They helped me hide a reindeer!

From a year ago?

Who knows how long this has been going on.

Okay, they've been in cahoots, covering up each other's mistakes before we've even had a chance to shame them.

Since this little alliance made a decision to go behind our backs, maybe we should make a decision without them.

Oh. Like where we're going on vacation.

What? No, por favor, no!

What? No!

You can't do that. I like it. I like it.

Let's do this. Let's go vote.

Yep. We've got it.

Okay. We've reached a decision.

Drum roll please.

Close enough.

The family is going to...


Ah! Yes!

Oh, my God! That's awesome!

That's so awesome, guys!


The cutest part is that they think it was their idea.

Mmm, what are you making?

I'm making an Italian dish that Jay's mother used to make.

Breakfast lasagna.

Great call, honey.


Hi. Oh.

Hey, sweetie, your breakfast is on the table.

Oh, what's this?

Oh! I've named him. It's Giovanni.

I'm still thinking about that movie last night.

You picked a good one.

Only the Italians could make something that romantic.

Flapjacks for mi amore.

Oh, grazie.

No offense, dad, but I'm not sure these magazines are the treasure trove of information you thought they were. What are you talking about?

Now and Forever.

Our mysterious Neighbor to the North.

Don't hate these photos of the lost tribes.

That's a human head hanging off her skirt.

Kids, these magazines harken back to a time when man had to forage and fight for his foods.

You guys have it too easy nowadays.

You can lay around eating snacks saying, "Okay, Google, dim the kitchen lights."

Sure thing.

Go ahead, Dad.

Okay, Google, show me a video of a kangaroo playing badminton with a pirate.

Sure, playing on YouTube.