Modern Family S9E1 Script

Lake Life (2017)

Kids, breakfast! Luke, why don't you have some fruit?

Nah, I'm good.

Fine. I'll have some.

Phil! Slow down!

[ Chuckling ] I'm sorry, Claire.

Unlike at home, I'm the captain here.

[ Ship horn blares ]

Damn it, Phil, knock it off!

Copy that.

You know, I like having these.

We should get some for the house.

No, you're not going to ask me "what time is lunch?" every day through a talkie-walkie.

Cam, we need to talk about this.

We -- We have these lamps at home.

Okay, we have boat lamps.

Cameron: I know. It's so validating.

It's like that time we saw our can opener in that dog-food commercial.

We rented a houseboat.

My dad wanted us to take a big lake trip so we could see the first total eclipse in 99 years.

You know, growing up on a farm, I always fantasized about lake life.

Yeah. You know, anyone can go to the lake.

Only the elite can sleep on it.

My parents used to take Claire and me every summer when we were kids.

Oh, I just never dreamed I would marry into a lake family.


We have this pillow, too.

I'm beginning to question our taste.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. We have great taste.

What's all this, then?

The doctor said absolutely no sun while I'm on these antibiotics.

And what would happen?

Because if it's anything short of death, I-I think you should risk it.

-- Captions by VITAC --

Captioning Provided by 20th Century Fox Television and ABC, Inc. and brought to you by Ford. We go further, so you can.


Morning. Good Morning! Who's hungry?

Manny, how do you take your eggs? Like God made 'em.


Manny, what are you doing?

This isn't Manny.

It's Manuel.

He's trying to reinvent himself for college.

He's going for a strong, silent type.

Ah. Hey, don't try to define me, man.

"Manuel's" gonna last five minutes. Hey.

[ Bones crack ] Ah!

It is what it is, man.

All right, everybody, listen up.

The eclipse is happening at exactly -- We know, we know, we know.

We know exactly when it's happening, Dad. Yeah.

Uh-huh. You told us.

Then just make sure you get back here

-so we can watch it together. -No problem.

Hey, Dad, you know Hugh Duncan from Just Closets?

That pretentious half-Brit that refers to closets as "wardrobes"?

He died.

Son of a gun. I always liked him.

Yeah, something like that happens makes you realize how precious life is, huh?

Morning, fam!

Somebody kill me.

Ben and I have been dating a few months now, and things have been going so well, I decided to invite him on our family vacation.

We knew it would take some --

I could listen to you talk forever.


We knew it would take some convincing.

It's bad enough that I have to see Ben's stupid face at the office every day.

You want to bring him on our trip?

Just because he bugs you doesn't mean this will ruin your vacation.

He's a huge reason why I need a vacation!

[ Slurps ]

I mean, I can see both sides.

[ Scoffs ]

Ohhh. Does anyone know if these pancakes are gluten-free?

I can't! Why? What's wrong?

I can't listen to you talk about gluten anymore!

Or mouth guards or airborne allergens or any of your other weird afflictions!

Has anyone seen my big hat? No.

You know what? Traveling together was a big mistake.

Let's just... do our own thing.

Uh... a-all right.

Well, uh... [ Chuckles nervously ]

What are you guys up to today?

-Water skiing. -Homework. -Boat stuff.

Ay, no.

What am I looking at?

Okay, relax. You all act like you've never seen a caftan before.

I just needed full breathable coverage today.

The fact that it looks so great is just a bonus.

What's that? "Groovy Guppies."

I'm gonna binge-watch the last season.

I never heard of it.

Get out of whatever your mommy's got you doing.

Your life is about to change.

I'm going down to the little store to buy some sunglasses.

I'm thinking something fun.

All right. Well, don't get anything too garish.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, sexy! Party on the island!

Come by!

Yum! [ Growls ]

-What are you doing? -What was that?

-That was a boy! -That was a girl!

-What are you talking about?! -What are you talking about?!

Whatever that was, we're going to his/her party before Ben finds me.

Team Dunphy, D to the five. You guys ready to go?

Yeah, what do you feel like doing?

We were thinking maybe a hike?

A little flora, fauna, and --

Forget it. We're going to a party.

But if you're looking for something fun, the rental guy gave us this pamphlet.

Thanks. We already got one, but --

Oh. Yours is different.

Parasailing, wakeboarding... jetpacking?

Ours has sunrise chair yoga, watercolors at water's edge, and something called... cloud study?

Yeah, they gave that one to Grandpa, too.

We got the old people one?


Why would they do that?

Looks like you guys got some fluffy ones out today.

That one looks like a bunny.

Oh, yeah.

Ah. It feels like we're in St. Tropez.

I don't trust lakes.

Where I come from, this is where we dump drugs and dead bodies.

You know what?

I am gonna give you a little boat tour and show you this lake in all of its glory, but you need to keep an open mind.

Okay, fine.

Let's ride around the liquid graveyard.

[ Thud ]

Mama, riding on small boats makes my tummy hurt.

Can I stay with Lily?

Sí, papi.

[ Gasps ]

It was Scotty -- this local lake kid I met on vacation when I was 13.

I had a huge crush on him, so on the last day, I decided to take a chance and I kissed him.

It was my first time ever kissing a boy, so when he pulled away and said that he wasn't "into this,"

I was humiliated.

I mean, I'd obviously misread signals. He was straight.

It was five years before I ever made a move on a guy again.

And even then, I wouldn't dare unless he was basically floating across the room.

Which is why I ended up with --

Well, you know.

[ Humming ]

Finding everything okay, buddy?

[ Deep voice ] Yeah.

Just, uh, first time here, so, uh...

You look familiar. Do I know you?

No! Nah, nah, nah.

Just picking up a few, uh, lake essentials.

[ Clears throat ]



Are you robbing me?

[ Normal voice ] God, no. No, um...

You know what?


[ Door opens ]

I started reading the tributes to Hugh Duncan on Facebook.

There were a ton of them.

People going on and on about what a great guy he was.

"Grandpa Hugh once gave me a vintage stethoscope, which inspired me to become a pediatric oncologist."

Made me wonder what people will say about me when I'm gone.

Honey, I want you to have my telescope.

May it inspire you to love science.

I already love science.

This feels like a real turning point.

You know, it's a story you'll want to tell people.

"He always told me to reach for the stars."


Ben: Alex! Where are you?

Ohh! It's Ben. Tell him you haven't seen me.

I don't want to talk to him.


We'll only be gone for a couple hours.

Joe and Lily will be fine.

Oh, wait. Look.

There's that nice lake butler that helped me earlier with my bags.

Señor. Señor.

Could you take care of our kids for a couple of hours?

I will pay you double what you make working for the lake.


You know me.

We rode to the airport together.

Can you watch our kids or not?

Actually, I'm kind of, uh --


[ Motor revs ]

Any food allergies I should know about?

This is fun -- just the two of us.

Yeah. And the walking sticks are a real game changer.

Hold the phone. We've hit a vista.


Looks like you're not the only mountain chickadee around here.

You spotted one?

When it's your turn, note her black bib.


Oh, my God. Isn't she majestic?

Phil, we're them.

We're the cover of the old people's pamphlet.

Well, that's a fine "How do ya do."

Oh, even this guy wouldn't say that!

You're right!

What is wrong with us?

Man: Whoo!

Look! Wa-hoo!

That's what we should be doing!

We just need to find ways to stay young and adventurous.

I'm with you, honey.

Let's go! Yes! Yes!

I don't need you anymore!

Boy, you really get used to those things.

It's not that I want to be mean to Ben.

He can just be so annoying sometimes.

And I know nobody's perfect, but does that mean I have to ignore all of his flaws?

Or is the issue me?

A-Am I just looking for something that doesn't exist?

Am I even capable of loving someone unconditionally?

We get it. You have a boyfriend.

Hey, there's that guy's jet ski.

That girl's jet ski.

Whatever it was, it was into me, and I'm kissing it.

Keep this dry for me, Pretty.

We walked around that whole island.

No hot boys, girls -- nothing.

Just a bunch of birds.

And not even hot birds.

Hey, where's our boat?

[ Sniffs ] It's gone.

And so are their jet skis.

They lured us out here and stole our stuff.

You idiot. You thought that girl really liked you.

[ Chuckles ]

"Hugh was the world's greatest father-in-law.

He was always there for me, ready to lend a helping hand."

What are you doing, Phil?

Oh, I'm just waiting out here while Claire changes for our cliff dive.

Looks like you could use some help with that pesky sunscreen.

Really? Yeah.

Thanks! [ Chuckles ]

There you go.

[ Laughs ]

It tickles!

Listen, Phil -- I know, I know.

This never happened. Oh, it happened.

Never forget how these strong father-in-law hands gave you pleasure.

"My dad, Hugh, once gave me the best advice -- have the courage to choose your own path, not the path others expect of you.

Those words changed my life forever."

What's going on, son?

I know there's a story there, and I really care.

It's nothing. Bup, bup, bup.

Walls down, please.

Ugh. Okay, fine.

Um, it's really embarrassing.

Uh, I ran into this guy who works at the bait shop.

Is that a gay bar?

No, an actual bait shop.

And I came on to him years ago.

It turns out he was straight.

And I'm -- I'm still traumatized by it.

Let me give you some advice.

Run toward embarrassment, not away from it.

You got that?

Wait. What?

Go talk to the guy.

Run toward embarrassment, not away from it, and you take away its power.

That's actually not the worst advice.

It's great advice.

In fact, you should write it down.

It feels quotable.

You know what?

I am. I'm going back there.

You got this, Mitchell.

Just think of it as one more time when your dad helped you out with all this gay business.

Yeah, okay.

Oh, Gloria, have you ever seen such pristine blue water?

Is that a floating duffel bag?

No, that's just a buoy.

[ Gasps ] A boy?!

No, a buoy. A --

[ Engine sputters ]

Oh, my caftan's stuck in the --

Aah! Aah!

The sun!


[ Blowing ]

Almost done.

Just a few more puffs, okay?

Can't we just watch "Groovy Guppies"?

Trust me, this will be way more fun.

Don't worry. He'll be fine.

Go faster!

It's not a violin. You're trying to start a fire.

Hey, chill, man!

That's never gonna work.

We need a better way to let someone know we're out here.

Anyone have a mirror?

Good idea. We can reflect the sun onto a passing plane.

No, I just have a feeling that my hair looks really good right now.

Manny: Ow!

I got a splinter in my pinkie!

I think we have a time of death on Manuel.

Shut up! It's your fault for making me rub those sticks together so fast.

My fault? We wouldn't even be out here if it weren't for these two lizard brains not being able to keep it in their pants.

You're just jealous because we don't hate ourselves for being attracted to other people.

Please! I'm not accepting a psych evaluation from somebody who texted me for help getting out of the bathroom this morning.

Boat locks are different!

He's right, you know.

This is your first time bringing a boy on vacation, and the second he sat down with the whole family, things started to get a little too real for you.

So you started to pick Ben apart so you could justify pushing him away.

I don't think I do that.

Do I do that?

I do do that.

When you think about it, I'm in a similar situation.

College is getting a little real, and maybe I'm nervous about a whole new group of people rejecting me, so I hid Manny away.

After all...

[ Voice breaking ] can't hurt a man they'll never meet.


Ugh. I miss Manuel.


Oh, hi. Uh-oh.

Here to rob me again?

[ Chuckles ] Sorry about that. I-I didn't mean to scare you.

Oh, no. You didn't scare me at all.

As a matter of fact, I'm the one robbing you.

Back in town, these worms are 5 cents each.

Ah. [ Chuckles ] So, um, listen.

We -- We actually do know each other.

Uh, Mitchell Pritchett. Summer of '89?

I let you have my Nintendo Game Boy?

Mitchy Pritchy! Of course!

You were mad about that Game Boy

'cause your dad got you that instead of, like, some Cher album.

"If I Could Turn Back Time." [ Laughs ]

Which brings me to why I'm here.

Um, I don't know if you remember this, but I tried to kiss you once, and I've --

I've just always -- I've felt really terrible about it.

And I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Oh, yeah. No, I barely remember that.

We had a great summer. Don't think twice about it.

Oh! That is -- that is such a relief.

Remember we stole my dad's truck and took it to the casino?

Right. I was trying to cheer you up because that bully kept pushing you in the lake.

Claire. Yeah. No, we're cool now.

Um, so, listen, good to see you.

Great to see you.

Oh, and, hey, listen. Thank you so much for understanding.

A lot of straight guys wouldn't have been so nice.

Straight? I'm not straight. [ Chuckles ]

I'm sorry. What?

I'm gayer than three crawdaddies in a bucket.

Were you guys looking for bait?

I just got in some California Short Worms that are definitely not regular worms cut in half.

Claire: Oh!

You ready to do this?

So ready!

Jumping off this cliff represents jumping into our future as adventurers.

Okay. Count of three.

One, two, three!


[ Panting ]

Honey... what happened? I'm so sorry.

I bailed at the last second. Uh-huh.

But I'm ready now. I promise. All right.

Ready? One, two, three!

Come o--

Oh. Hey. There you are.

Uh-huh. Um, I feel like you jumped on "two." Oh!

Honey, jumping -- it's fun. It's really fun.

But the point was to do it with you.

So if that's gonna be a problem --

No, I-I definitely want to do it.

It's just that I'm having a hard time getting my legs to cooperate.

Okay. You're gonna have to push me.

Are you sure? Yes.

Just one hard push, and I'm good.


Here... we... go --

Oh, come o--

Stop rocking this thing so much.

I am getting seasick.

Well, you poor thing. Maybe if you had --

Uh-oh! Cramp, cramp, cramp, cramp, cramp, cramp!

[ Gasps ] Calf's cramping up! Calf's cramping up!

Gloria, I need you to rub my calf!

No! I'm not gonna touch that water!

Gloria, I'm in so much pain!

You got to put a little pressure on it!

[ High-pitched ] Put a little pressure on my calf!

Okay, fine!

[ Motor revs ]


I'm in the lake!

I'm in the lake!

Ay, no! Ay! Ay!

Oh! What do you know? My cramp's gone.

Hi, again. Quick question.

No refunds on the bait.

They were alive when you bought them.

Oh. Hey, Mitchy. Sorry.

Just curious -- um, how long after we hung out did you realize that you were gay?

Oh, no, it was -- it was years before that.

Oh. Okay. So -- So, back then, when you said that you -- you weren't "into this," you meant that you weren't into me.

Well... Because I must have been the only gay kid around for miles, right? Oh, I don't --

Yeah, I mean, technically, yeah.

Let me get this right.

You're in the middle of nowhere, with no other options, at an age where a boy gets excited by the wind, and you looked at me, and you said, "Ooh, pass."

W-- I --

I'm sorry.

I feel bad.

It was 30 years ago, though.

You want some... free bait?

Have a lure?

Apparently, I don't have allure.

Okay, Gloria, there's a store.

Go in there. Get me something to cover me up with -- anything.

But if there is a color choice, avoid yellow and green.

It washes me out.

Oh, yeah, Cam, I would love to help you -- the same way you helped me fall into that filthy lake!

Hey, kids! Watch out for the naked man!

What? Good luck.



[ Whirring ]




I got a jetpack!


I don't want to be the one to hold you back!

I didn't think it'd be this hard to contr--


Phil! [ Screaming ]

Oh, my God!

Look! We're not boring!

We're still adventurous!

I can see that!

I'm so proud of you!

I love you so much!

[ Laughs ]


Oh, no, honey. Don't worry.

I-It's just the eclipse.

I can't tell if I'm headed up or down!


Hello, darkness, my old friend.

Where is everybody?

Ah, who needs them?

This is a pretty special moment, huh, Joey?

Eh, you're never gonna remember any of this.

If you don't mind, I -- I do want to go outside and see the eclipse.

Oh, I'm not done. Just -- Just so you know, plenty of people find me very attractive, okay, including my amazing husband, who is no slouch himself.

Hi. Do you sell muumuus?

And I am gonna go find him right now.

Hey, what's that? Oh, my God! It's Ben!

He came to rescue me!

I was out there all alone.

And then it got really dark.

And I'm so thirsty.

Ew! I got mud on me.

I'm so sorry I lashed out at you.

I think I do it when I start getting close to someone.

But I want to be close to you.

I want that, too.

Come on. We can use this as an oar.

Oh, there's not enough room for all of us.

Well, the two of us can stay while you --

I'll come back for you!

All right.

Well, well, well. Look who finally showed up.

Maybe we can try this again in another 99 years.

Actually, there'll be another total eclipse again in the next seven years. No one wants your stupid science, Alex!

I asked for one thing -- to share a memory with all of us with me at the center of it!

And by the way, I had to pay surge boat rates because of eclipse fever!

Claire: This is an all-time rant.

Oh, yeah, top three. It goes Christmas '84, that wedding where he ordered the pork but they gave him the chicken instead, and eclipse weekend.

The only reason I went to that wedding was because of the damn pork!

Is this gonna be the only thing you guys remember about me?!

Does this have something to do with Hugh Duncan dying and all those Facebook tributes?

No!! Wait, w-were you trying to manufacture nice moments so that we'll say good things about you when you're gone?

Wait. Is that why you gave me your telescope?

And the -- the sunscreen? That wasn't real?

I don't want to talk about this!

Jay, where are you going?!

Oh, for God's sakes! Dad! Come back!

Grandpa, stop!

We have tons of great memories of you!

You're just saying that!

Someone think of an example!

-Uh... -Um...

You used to bring me back magnets every time you went away on a business trip!

It was so thoughtful!

Yeah, when you found out I was into almond milk, you went to Costco and got me that giant thing of almond milk!

Well, you like it, and it doesn't go bad.

When my mom died, you texted me every day for a week to check on me!

You always save me the red gummy bears because they're my favorite!

Gloria: And me the green ones!

Also, the nice life and stuff!

And -- And -- And you're really good at saving old pictures of me and Mitchell as kids!

Getting a little general.

"Run toward embarrassment, not away from it, and you take away its power"!

I'm always gonna remember that!

Good enough.

"Run toward embarrassment"?

What does that even mean?

I don't know. He needs this.

Why would you push me in like that?

Oh, relax, everybody laughed.

* Turn around

* Every now and then, I get a little bit lonely *

* And you're never comin' 'round *

* Turn around Me.

* Every now and then, I get a little bit tired *

* Of listening to the sound of my tears *

* Turn around, bright eyes *

Who? Dad.

Come on, Jay. Everybody will remember it!

-That's extortion. -Come on.

* Every now and then, I fall apart *

There it is.

* And I need you now tonight *

* And I need you more than ever *

Is this even a song?

* Once upon a time, I was falling in love *

* But now I'm only falling apart *

* There's nothing I can do

* A total eclipse of the heart *

[ Cheers and applause ]

Phil: Hey. Where's Ben? Alex: Uh-oh.