Modern Family S9E11 Script

He Said, She Shed (2018)

Okay, Joey, you take this club, and you hit that ball.

Any questions?

Don't worry about it. They were only used once.

It was a swing and a miss for both of us.

I needed to find a way to spend more quality time with Joe.

I couldn't take another Saturday of hide-and-seek.

At this point, I've spent more time in the closet than Mitchell.

Golf is a very complicated sport.

I don't want you to get frustrated if you don't --

Holy cow!

Do you think you can do that again?

Yeah. It's easy.

Okay, Mr. Cocky.

You know, there is a thing called beginner's --

What the hell?

Hey, Brady.

Hey, Jay, what's up? Oh, is this your grandson?

I can't do this again. This is my son.

Just take a look at his swing and tell me what you think.

Wow. Your mom must be some athlete.

Just so you know, I'm not a guy who's charmed when the help gets familiar.

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How's everybody this fine morning?

Welp, I'm on my third day of my New Year's Resolution to not say things nobody cares about.

Damn it.

Oh, yay, Homeowners Association.

I need their approval to put a She Shed in the backyard where the teeter-totter used to be.

I don't understand.

She said, "She Shed down by the seesaw."

How are you not famous?

Yes, bravo, but what's a She Shed?

Well, it's just a simple little structure where I can go to be alone and do yoga or meditate and nobody can bother me.

Oh, so a glass of wine and a cigarette in the tub isn't cutting it anymore?

I don't smoke, honey. I have a tobacco-scented candle.

They don't make tobacco-scented --

This is more of that stuff no one cares about.

Congratulations, honey.

Don't pretend you're happy for me.

Luke and I wanted to use that space to put in a batting cage.

Claire wanted her She Shed.

We were in a stalemate, so we settled the dispute like adults.

Come on, Dad. Batting cage.

I really need to blink, buddy.

You can blink when you're dead.

-Ah, yes! Yes!

All those Magic Eye posters paid off. Ah!

I'm gonna get myself one of those fuzzy little rugs.

They turned me down. What?

Why on Earth would they do th--

I -- I'm gonna find out how to get in touch with somebody from down at that Homeowners Association and find out what the hell is going on.

Claire, I know you're upset, but I don't think you should do that.

Well, look at that.

They have a meeting this afternoon.

I'll just go down there in person.

Honey, I get a lot of my referrals from the HOA.

We can't afford to alienate them.

They are the ones who are alienating people.

They all live on that stupid cul-de-sac.

They only do things for each other.

Probably swing if they weren't so aggressively unattractive.

You know, I find the term "She Shed" offensive.

Shouldn't ours just be called a shed and theirs a "He Shed"?

Why do you bother making resolutions?

This is so frustrating.

If it's any comfort...'re not the only one to be stung by these people.

Their ridiculous parking regulation made me give up my dream of owning the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

Dah! Fine. I will move on.

So does this mean we can get our batting cage?

Luke, too soon.

I'm really proud of you, Mom. Letting go shows real growth.

I'm going to that Homeowners Association meeting, and I'm getting my She Shed.

But you just told Dad --

I let him do magic.

He lets me break promises.

We both know what we married.

You were at the course again?

That's every morning this week.

That's how you make a champion.

You should see Joe play.

It's like watching Merv Griffin interview.

There's a certain finesse to it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. What are you training for?


Yeah, then go have a pudding cup.

These high-performance protein bars are for elite athletes.

Go ahead, Joey. Fuel up.

You have a trophy to bring back today.

What are you talking about?

There's a kiddie tournament up at the club, and I signed Joe up for it.

Jay, you're pushing him too hard.

What are you talking about? Kid loves it.

He'll tell you himself after he ices his shoulder.

Ooh, that's the stuff.

You know, Gloria, with the right training, this kid could go all the way.

Me managing his golf career can be my second act.

You're 70.

Your second act was two acts ago.

Stop living through him. It's too much pressure.

Why are you making such a big deal about it?

It's a -- It's a kiddie golf tournament.

It's like a -- a playdate I don't hate being at.

It's a bad idea.

What if Joe wants to do something that is less competitive, like reading or papier Let's not break out the Manny playbook just yet.

Playbill would've been more cutting.

Why am I helping you?

I know you think you have the monopoly on deciding what's best for Joe, but I have parenting instincts, too.

I deferred to Dede every single time on Mitch and Claire, and this time I'm going with my gut.

Mitch and Claire turned out to be wonderful people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not knocking them.

I love all my children equally.

Bup, bup, bup, bup! That's winner water.

Whoa, whoa. What's going on, Cam?

I was gone for 45 minutes, and now our living room's a beauty salon?

What, do you have a pit crew or something?

Ooh, look at you using "pit crew" in a sentence like a boy.

Is this all for Lily's party? You I thought we were just gonna do pizza and a movie.

Okay, there are 12-year-old girls coming over here.

Do you remember how mean and judgmental Haley was at that age?

Yeah, I faked being sick that Thanksgiving.

I was too scared to eat corn in front of her.

Of course you were.

The only word she said to me that entire year was "ew."

Anyway, Lily wants to impress these older girls, so I set up a full-service salon to do makeovers.

And you're qualified to do that because...?

Okay, my uncle was in the business of mules appear younger for sale, so I think I know a thing or two about hair and make-up.

Hi, hi.

I brought y'all some stuff for Lily's party. Oh, my God.

Thought you might not want to get into your own stash.

I know how pricy your lady creams are.

Okay, she's lashing out because I inherited Mama's skin.

And I got Daddy's strong flickin' finger. Don't do it! Don't!

Cam, you said that you were gonna keep this small.

See, now I feel like you didn't tell me about this so that you could set it all up before I could say no.

Okay, that is just not true.

Not everyone is as calculating as you think.

But, hey, I know where this is coming from, and it's not your fault.

Seriously? This again?

This sounds private.

If you want me to leave, forget it.

Okay, a-any time we have an argument, Cam blames it on how I was brought up.

My therapist says that it's his way of deflecting responsibility.


You mean like one of those Woody Allen movies?

Plenty of people go to therapy.

Not farm folk.

We solve our own problems, not that we had many.

That's right, because you had a storybook childhood.

I never said "storybook," although one time I did come home to a family of bears eating our porridge.

-Don't make us sound like hicks.

It was Tuna Helper.

But we did have our share of problems.

-Ah! What problems?


It's not like they had the perfect marriage.

Thank you. Thank you.

I knew there was stuff. Everybody has stuff.

No, there is no stuff.

She's just making this up to get under my radiant skin.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm not gonna tell you right before you host a big ol' party.

Oh, no, no. We've got time. Come on, come on. Let's hear it.

You don't remember that time Daddy didn't live with us for a year

'cause he was shacked up with that diner waitress Jannie Sue Butler? please.

The only time Daddy ever left was to go to war.

It was 1977. What war, Cam?

The V-- Hmm?

He left us 'cause he turned 40, he got his first liver spot, and that bimbo reminded him of the Bionic Woman -- mostly on account of her fake arm.

Oh, did you really not know this?


I did not realize how big that was gonna be.

Cam, hey. Y Cam, I-I-I can't face these 12-year-olds by myself.

12 I got to change my shirt.

They're already angry.

Um, okay. Uh...

What are you guys doing?

-Putting up our batting cage. -Oh, careful.

It's really easy to get caught in the net.

Okay, well, you may want to take a beat.

Mom went down to the HOA meeting to fight for her shed.

Uh-oh. I only hope she keeps her cool and accepts their decision.

Yeah, based on her long history of letting things go.

Dad, we have a problem.

Maybe not, buddy. The HOA never reverses itself.

If they did, we'd be having this conversation in the front seat of a giant hot dog.

I am the HOA. What?

I intercepted Mom's application and forged a rejection letter from the board.

Why?! Because you told me to.

When did I tell you to do that?!

Ah, yes! Yes!

All those Magic Eye posters paid off! Ah!

This sucks.

Who knows?

Maybe the HOA board will reject her application.

Things have a way of working themselves out.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

I think so.

-You gave me the signal. !

That wink when you want me to secretly take care of something.

Of course I was winking. I was just in a staring contest.

Wait. Did you say you've done this before?

Do you think Alex's cello set itself on fire?

Oh, my God.

I got to get down to that meeting before your mother --

Untangle me quickly!

Wait. Was that a wink?

Do you not want me to untangle you?

D-Do you want me to untangle you slowly?

There's no signal!

Refreshing cucumber water? No?

Refreshing cucumber water? No?

Are you thirs-- -Hey, you're doing great.

Just don't get nervous and turn all red.

Do I do that? Am I doing that right now?

Do people notice?

Okay, you're not 12. It's okay.

It got better. It got better.


If you need some time to process that stuff about your dad, y-you sh--

Oh, no. I'm fine.

Unlike the chlorine in Melanie's hair that won't do any permanent damage.

-Hey! -I'm working here, sweetie.

Hi, girls. I'm Lily's cool Aunt Pam.

I brought lighters for everyone.

Please be nice.

All right. We are done. What do you think?

I wanted to look like Selena Gomez.

Oh, well, I wanted a daddy that would respect his wedding vows, but we can't all get what we want.

Dream smaller. There you go.

Okay, okay. See, it's stuff like that that makes me think that you're not okay.

Mitchell, it's just a joke. It's barbershop sass.

They love it when I go there.

All right, Violet, get your fancy can in the chair.

You're up.

Hi. So, what are we doing today?

I was thinking of an updo.

I like a high pony for you.

There we go. -Ow.

Oh, so, Vi, I've seen your mom at Parent Night.

You know what? I've never seen your dad.

He works late a lot.

Well, I hope that's true, sweetie.

Why wouldn't it be?

I don't know. Sometimes father's lie.

It's better for you to find out now than when you're a 40-year-old man.

40? Okay, speaking of fathers lying.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Cam, move away, move away.

Cam -- Cam, clearly you're not okay. Okay, you know what?

I thought -- I thought I could tamp it down, put it in a room, seal it shut just like we did Grandpa when he got rabid.

Okay, listen, I-I may have checked with my therapist on the off chance that you would want to talk to someone.

No, sir.

If I open that door, there's no telling what we'll find.

You know what? I -- You know I cry inexplicably when I hear "Smooth Operator."

I don't want to know what that's about.

Hey, hey, just -- just give it a shot.

Yeah, she's the best, and if -- if it makes you uncomfortable, we can leave, all right?

She -- She has an opening this afternoon.

What if the party's still going on?

Your sister's here. They'll be fine.

Okay, truth.

How old were you when you first kissed a boy?

Hmm...a boy person?

I love that you're here, but don't you guys have a laundry room at the school?

It's really humid down there, and my hair is challenging enough as it is.

I thought you'd be going to Joe's tournament.

No, he doesn't need me over there.

I would be adding more pressure.

Well, you always kept a low profile at my ribbon-dancing competitions.

I couldn't even find you in the stands.

Ah, yeah, with the ribbon and the swooshing.

But Joe worries me because stress can destroy a child.

Take it from Cartagena's junior regional backstroke champion.

You used to swim?

Like a cigarette boat fleeing to international waters.

But all that stress brought the darkness in me.

I started pulling out my hair, and...there was an incident.

What kind of incident?

I'm ashamed to admit it, but when I lost one of the big races, I might have hit one of the other swimmers in the leg with a skimmer pole.

You Tonya Harding-ed another girl?

No, in Colombia, they call it the Gloria Ramirez-ing.

Mom, just because you freaked out doesn't mean Joe will.

At the end of the day, he's only going to remember that you weren't there.

I don't know.

I think it would mean a lot to him.

I know it meant a lot to me when you cheered on me and my ribbon-dancing partner, Josh.

Uh, yeah, 'cause you guys were so great.

I danced alone.

Next order of business, uh, Lisa would like to put in a little moat in her yard.

Aww, and with a drawbridge from the sidewalk to the front door.

I've always dreamed of being a princess.

All in favor?

All: Aye! Eyesore.

Claire, did you say something?

I'm sorry.

You're just gonna rubber-stamp Princess Lisa here, and I can't have a She Shed in my backyard?

Could you please wait your turn?

W-We haven't moved on to new business yet.

Fine. Motion to discuss new business?

Seconded. Recognizing Claire Dunphy. Thank you.

I'm not leaving here until I have my permit.

What are you talking about?

I submitted a request to build a simple structure you can't even see from the street.

Speaking of which, why is nobody sounding the alarm over Gary's avant It's a penis, Gary. -Honey.

What Oh! What are you doing here?

I was gonna ask you the same thing.

I'm so sorry to interrupt. Keep up the great work.

It couldn't have been easy keeping that sewer gator under wraps.

What alligator?

No, that.

See that? That's not fair.

Just because I'm not part of your little cul-de-sac cult -- your little cult-de-sac -- -Oh, that was a good one.

I think you made your point. Why don't we get going?

Claire, this is the first we're hearing about your She Shed.

Oh. Then I've got something for you right here.

She's got a gun!

It's a letter, Lisa -- a rejection letter on HOA stationery.


In the interest of saving trees, we do all our correspondence via e-mail.

Come on, Claire, we don't need to sit here and listen to these pillars of the community.

Then who sent me this letter?

Who knew I even wanted a She Shed?

Who even...cared?


It's a straight shot, pal.

You got this. How are you feeling?

I'm nervous.

My son was being tested as an athlete, but I was being tested as a father.

What I said then would help shape the man Joe would become.

Nerves are for losers.

What you're feeling is excitement because for the first time in your life you're doing something that actually matters.

These other kids -- they want you to choke because you're king of the mountain, and they're climbing to reach you.

You've got to be ready to step on their fingers.

That sounds mean.

They would do the same thing to you.

Now, get out there and take what is ours.

And have fun.

Huh. That's new.

She's right behind me. She knows about the letter.

What are we gonna do? We have to think of an excuse.

We don't have time!

Huh. Guess she hit a light.

All right. Well, let's think this through.


Really, Phil?! You just turned and ran?

Sweetheart, I...

I --

Don't you run again.


I have one question. Why?

It's complicated.

How is it complicated?

You printed fake stationery and forged a letter so you could have a stupid batting cage.

-It's not his fault. -Luke --

-I'm gonna tell her.

-He got scared.

He thought you would like being out there alone in your shed so much you'd stop wanting to spend time with him.

Come on.

He was worried maybe you'd start sleeping out there.

Pretty soon it's where you and your friends go to drink and complain about your husbands.

Oh, I don't need a shed for that.

We -- We do it on a group text.

Honey, I didn't know that's how you felt.

Why didn't you say something?

I guess I'm not comfortable being vulnerable... Oh.

...except -- except with Luke.

The whole reason I wanted to get that shed was to give myself a place to calm down and spare you some of my insanity.

If anything, I -- I thought it would help our relationship.


He accepts your apology.

I got it from here, buddy. Mm.

We got our batting cage... sort of.


Hey, Mom, think we can get in there any time soon?

Not after the day I've had!

Come on, buddy. Let's try again tomorrow.

Come on.


Here you go.

What is this?! I need a putter!

Take it easy. You're only down by one stroke.

Don't remind me!

He's fine, everybody. He's fine.

Good luck, Joe.

Gloria? I-I guess you're here to pull Joey out of the tournament.

No, no. I came to cheer him on.

No, but I thought about what you were saying, and even though you weren't right, I'm gonna let you have this one.

You can do this, baby.

I'm trying to concentrate!

What is that all about?

I don't know, Gloria. You seem to make him tense.

Uh, and there's this other thing. I knew it!

You were in my eyeline!

On your fingers! -No. Wait. Joe, come here!

I'm going to step on your fingers! Joe, come back here!

-I'm the king of the mountain! -Give me the club!

Give me the club.

Give me the club!


Not again.

You're gonna love hockey.

-Okay. You know what?

If people back home knew I was in a therapist's office, it would be all over the "Rumors and Ramblins" section of the Grasshopper Gazette.

"Liberal Left Coast Breaks Local Hero."

What are you typing?

Exactly what you just said, but don't worry, it's for my therapy, not yours.

You know what? This is your therapy, and I don't want to be here.

Cam, come on. You need this.

Just give it a shot. Come on!

-Hello, Mitchell.

Hi, Dr. Green.

Thank you so much for making the time to see us.

Are you tamping down your crazy to impress your therapist... No. No. you do when you clean up before the housekeeper comes?

I appreciate what you're saying, I hear you, and I'm gonna give it some thought.

The hell? Can we move into this place?

-You must be Cameron. -Yes.

So nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you --

Da-ba-mnh-mnh. Unh-unh.

Mitchell, how do you feel about how you're behaving right now?

I don't love it. Can I

-Mm-hmm. -Okay.

A-All right. Um, you know what?

This -- This -- I don't want to be here.

This just isn't me.

The art on the wall is weird.

The candy bowl feels like a test, uh...

You know what? I'm gonna have, uh, just one.

Nope. I'm gonna have all of them.

-Nope. I'm just gonna leave.

Cam, the first step is the hardest, but it's worth it.

It takes time to work through family issues.

Yeah, she's right. Some people spend their whole lives trying to resolve these things.

What would I -- What would I even say to her?

That my dad left for a year with the town floozy and I thought he was off being a war hero and that I'm an idiot and -- and that I'm never gonna forgive him?

I don't care that he came -- came back to us.

He lied to me, and he let me grow up thinking my mama was the most important thing to him in the world.

He's a phony.

You know, maybe, you know, he did do the best he -- he knew how, you know?

He always did make me feel safe and -- and happy.

Maybe he was just trying to protect me, because he did love me with all of his heart, and, actually, I feel like I know him, like, even better now and love him even more.

I am the person I am because of all my experiences.

And I like me.

And I have a daddy to thank for that.

Whew. Ooh!

Hey! That felt great.

Oh, my gosh. I feel healed.

Yeah, well, it's a good start, but therapy really is a --

No, no, no, no, no, no. That was extraordinary.

I have never seen anything like that.

He doesn't need me.


Have a hard candy and a good life.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. He's done? No, no.

Okay, I have -- I have been coming here for 10 years, and I am just barely scratching the surface.

You call him extraordinary.

Meanwhile, I've been pouring out my soul to you every week, and I get -- boop -- nothing.

Mitchell, I did clear out the full hour.

If you'd like to --

That would be great, Doctor. Thank you so much.

I would love that. -Mm-hmm.

Cam, I will see you at home. Okay, okay.

-You chose the right one. -I'm waiting!

You sure do know how to hide, buddy.

I'm looking everywhere.

[ Golf game plays on television ]

Nope. Not under the pool table.

Where, oh where, could you be?

Manny, I am very busy.

Can't this wait? -I've waited 10 years.

This is happening. Sit. -Hey, I'm watching something.

Yes, you are!

Presenting "Rhapsody in Ribbon."

You're it. I'm hiding.

Joe: One, two, three, four, five, six...