Modern Family S9E14 Script

Written in the Stars (2018)

[ Cellphone rings ] Hey, Phil.

Phil: Jay, where are you? What are you doing?

I'm just walking into my house. Stop! Don't you take another step!

What the hell are you talking about?

Claire just told me your Valentine's plans for Gloria.

You're walking into a buzz saw!

[ Tires screeching ]

Get in.

[ Engine turns off ]

[ Sighs ]

What am I looking at here?

Nothing. Oh, it's a role-playing thing we do on Valentine's.

It bumps the lovemaking up a notch. Phil, why?

Gloria is mad at you.

If you walk in there with some lame gift, she will bite your head right off, mister.

Well, you worried for nothing.

I bought her a nice cookie, and the biggest Mylar balloon they sold at the grocery store.

Wake up, man! You're losing her!

When did you talk to Gloria?

This afternoon.

I'm just taking Claire up to the overlook on Mulholland for a little old-school make-out sesh.

Oh, Phil.

You're so good at Valentine things... unlike some ungrateful, selfish men that don't appreciate women! [ Glass shatters ]

You need to step it up tonight.


By dressing up in costumes like weirdos?

It's not weird, Dad. It's fun.

Yeah. Tonight, we get to be 17 again, when we were just a couple of innocent, wide-eyed virgins. [ Chuckles ]

[ Hushed ] Shut up.

I'm not doing it.

Today, when Gloria found out what we were doing, she said, [As Gloria] "Damn it, Phil. You are so good at Valentine's.

I wish Jay was as sexy as you."

She never said that.

[ Normal voice ] I'm paraphrasing.

[ Normal voice ] Okay, call Gloria, tell her to meet you at a hotel bar, and then you show up as some romantic character.

Who would I be? Anybody.

Think of the most exotic person you can.

General Eisenhower, the father of the American freeway.

You're gonna want to think a little sexier than that.

You have not seen the right photos.

-- Captions by VITAC --

Captioning Provided by 20th Century Fox Television and ABC, Inc. and brought to you by Ford. We go further, so you can.


What are you doing? I thought he was taking you out to dinner.

I'm pre-eating so I don't look like a pig.

Oh, please tell me you don't eat on dates.

Who's the lucky guy?

Oh, this professor from Alex's college.

Normally, I wouldn't go out with a guy like that, but there's something about him.

"Something about him"? He's a genius.

He's one of the most respected minds on campus, who also happens to look like the protagonist from a Jane Austen novel.

He's totally out of your league.

Oh, well, now you're being crazy.

Are you into him or something?

No! I'm just genuinely concerned you're going to embarrass yourself or me.

At least look up the difference between astrology and astronomy.

Okay, alls I know is, is that you're being a real Capricorn right now.

The sun revolves around the Earth, and not you.

I cannot believe we got into this restaurant.

I know. Oh, you know what?

Let's take a picture and use Facebook the way it was intended.

Oh, to find out how racist our high-school friends are?

No, to make people in our lives feel worse about their lives.

[ Both laugh ] Hey!

Hostess: Gentlemen.

Your table's being set up right now.


Oh, my G-- No. What?

Th-That's Luke. No. We ca--

No, we can't sit next to -- We can't sit there. I'm s--

Can we have a -- Can we have a different table?

I'm sorry, not tonight. Um...

If you guys don't want it, I have 10 other people who do.

Okay. You know what?

Tonight was supposed to be a romantic night.

[ Sighs ] I-I don't want to watch him make his sweaty moves on his conquest of the week.

And some of them buy it.

Under what gas leak is he finding these brain-dead bimbos?

And have you heard how mean he's gotten?

The other day, he called us "catty."

He called us catty? Yeah.

You sure he wasn't talking about the dead cat on his head he calls a haircut? [ Wheezing ] Oh, my --

Hey, guys!

Hi! Hey, Luke! What a coincidence.

I think it's nice that we're helping out Dad and Gloria tonight.

I know. I'm just a little bummed that we're stuck here, watching Joe, when we could be messing around in a Trans Am.

Or...did we just take it up a notch, huh?

I'm the foxy babysitter. The kid's asleep.

You are the foxy bad boy who sneaks over with some wine coolers...

Oh, I'm ready. Let's do this.

Now that I'm six, I like girls, but I love two girls --

The Little Mermaid and Claire.

[ Joe clears throat ]

Oh. Joe. W-What are you doing up?

Hello, Claire. I made this for you.

Oh, my goodness.

Look, it's a Valentine.

It's two love bugs.


Two love bugs.

Three's a crowd.


[ Yawns ]


Hey, how can I help you?

I am Gigi DeLaroca, businesswoman.

Life has tried to break me, but it has only teach me.

So, you want a drink?

[ Spanish accent ] The lady will have Campari and soda.

Hello, sir.

I have never had that drink.

Well, no one "Camparis" to you.

[ Laughs ] Very clever.

I am Gigi DeLaroca, businesswoman.

I am Raoul Matadoré.

I own this hotel. May I?

Of course, Mr. Matadoré.

Like Andy Garcia in "Ocean's Eleven."

[ Hushed ] I don't think you have to explain.

Right. Um, you talk.

No, I mean, um... Thank you.

[ Glass clatters ] Tell me about you.

What business are you in? Bueno.

Well, let's just say, I'm just a lady that works in the evening.

But I am not available to any man.

So charm me, Mr. Matadoré.

This hotel... has the finest closets in all the land.

We have lighted rods and soft-close doors.

I was once married to a man that endlessly talked about closet.

You're boring me very much.

[ Glass clatters ] Okay, well, um...


I need one secondo, huh?

Hotel businesso, huh?




Oh, my goodness.

The waitress -- She left a menu here.

Now, I'm wondering if we should have got --

[ Hushed ] Oh, my God! Where's his date?

Do you think he got stood up?

Let me see that. [ Normal voice ] Right here.

[ Hushed ] It's so embarrassing. What do we even say?

They're not soundproof menus. Yeah. She's standing me up.

Women are impossible, you know?

[ Normal voice ] For us, they are.

Well, now [chuckles] I made it work once, although there was a-a Rob Lowe poster behind her.

You know what? I say to heck to heck with this gal. Mm-hmm.

Get back out there, go to a bar! Yes!

I hear that.

A guy like you, great head of hair... Yep.

Nah, I'm too depressed.

Besides, I prepaid for my meal. I guess I'll order.

Just forget I'm here.

Anyway... happy Valentine's Day.

Thanks. You look so handsome.

Ugh! This sucks.

[ Sighs ]

I can't believe I let you talk me into doing this crap.

I need help! Phil: It's okay.

Underneath it all, it's just you and your wife.

That's the problem.

I don't know how I got her to begin with.

And I'm starting to feel if I can't pull this off, she's gonna figure out she got duped the first time.

Let me start by saying "thank you" for being so vulnerable with me.

I hate you.

Also, I'm no expert at this, but I have a friend here who is.

[ As Clive ] Clive Bixby here.

How can I make your night sexier?

If I can't role-play with her, I'm not doin' it with you.

Whatevs, Daddio.

I'm gonna give the phone back to Philip.

[ Normal voice ] Phil here.

Listen, it's all about commitment and confidence.

What's -- What's your character?

Raoul Matadoré, hotel owner, like Andy Garcia --

In "Ocean's Eleven" -- I love this for you!

Did you go with the timepiece?

Yeah, I thought at some moment, I'd pull it out, smash it on the bar, and say, "I want to remember the exact moment I fell in love."

I'm an idiot! No.

That silence is me picking my jaw up off the floor.

We're all walking, and you're flying, mister.

Seriously? You think so?

1,000%! But don't take it from me.

[ As Clive ] Clive again.

Mr. Matadoré, I tip my turtleneck to ya.


Arvin: All right, no peeking.

Haley: Oh, no peeking. [ Laughs ]

I hope you're not disappointed.

[ Gasps ] Wow! It's so pretty!

You know what else is pretty?

Oh! Stop.

[ Laughs ] Oh.

Well, I was going to say "Venus."

But sure, let's go with you.

[ Chuckling ] Come on, have a look.



Oh! Okay. [ Laughs ] Yep.


Yeah, there's a new moon, so it's the perfect night to observe faint star clusters.

[ Laughs ] And -- And right in the middle, there's a variable star that I discovered.

[ Sighs ] It's right next to a white dwarf.

[ Gasps ] Oh, I don't think you're allowed to say that anymore.

Yes, tricky times we live in.

Wow, this is so cool.

Right. Have a -- Have a think about this --

There is a theory that suggests the universe is so large that everything that can happen is happening all the time.

Do you smoke weed?

Oh. [ Laughs ] No.

Sor-- Sorry, I'm a little obsessed with space.

I-I built my first Dobsonian telescope when I was 10.

You made a telescope?

The only thing I've ever made was an ashtray for my mom that says, "Rub your butt here."

[ Laughs ] Oh, like cigarette butt.


What are you doing next August 27th at, uh, 8:00 p.m.?

I have no idea. Why?

NASA is giving me an award for a radiation shield, and -- NASA's giving you an award?

I need a date. There's no pressure.

But it saved the lives of a bunch of astronauts.

Wow, you've done a lot.

Well, I'm -- I'm sure you've had your share of accomplishments.

Oh, yeah! Yeah, of course.

[ Stammers ] Let's see. There was, um... college...


Nope. Nope. That is a --

That is a bad road.

Well, uh, uh, okay, so professionally, I've been kind of sort of dabbling in, like, a lot of different -- Pass.

Um...I-I-I-I once flew next to the bass player of The Killers.

Uh, you know, it just kind of looked like him.

Is there a bathroom?

Here, I'm just gonna find it myself.

No big deal. I'm fine. I'm -- I'm great.


So, are you seeing anybody new?

No, I didn't even make my mom a Valentine's card this year.

It's alarming that I asked about dating, and you went right to your mother.

[ Ringtone plays ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]


Alex, it's Professor Fennerman.

I'm sorry to bother you on Valentine's.

Uh, it's okay. Uh...

Have you heard from Haley?

Isn't she with you?

She was, and... then she suddenly ran off.

I think -- I think I may have bored her to the point of fleeing.

You could never bore anyone.

You know who's boring? Professor Schaeffer.

Agreed. He's insufferable.

He never stops droning on.

He's like the cosmic microwave background radiation.

[ Laughs ]

Because he's the constant noise you can't get rid of!

Thank God somebody gets me tonight.

[ Snorts ]

You know, I think it might have been a bad idea, bringing her to the observatory.

I probably should have set my sights on someone with whom I have more in common.

Do you know what I mean?

I...think I do?

Anyway, I think I'll wait here a little longer, take in the stars, just in case she shows up.

Maybe she will.

Thanks, Alex.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Oh, my God.

What? Haley blew him off.

I think he wants me to come to the observatory to be with him.

You have feelings for this guy?

Who wouldn't?!

I mean, do you know how hard it is to find a good-looking genius?

There's him, and when I put in a little effort, me!

Then go.

I will.

Yeah, you will, a-and I'm gonna make a Valentine for my mom.

They're not the same!

Okay, open -- open mine first.

Oh. It's -- It's a kimono.

I took an online origami class.


It's a haiku. Oh!

"Friend, lover, husband.

My life started when we met.

You're my everything."

Aww. You are.

Ooh, let's see what you wrote in yours.

Aww. It's a tandem bicycle.

Yeah. It's so cute.

"Happy V-Day.

Love, M."

And I thought my date was cold.

What? No. Cam knows what I mean.

Cam knows you are mean?

You were more effusive about tonight's menu than you were in my card.

"The molten chocolate cake looks slutty and delicious."

Would it kill you to say that about me?

What the hell? Amanda was here.

This picture you posted on Facebook --

She's right behind you. Why would she just leave?


Tonight was supposed to be a romantic night.

I don't want to watch Luke make his sweaty moves on his conquest of the week.

Yeah, and some of them buy it.

Under what gas leak is he finding these brain-dead bimbos?

I know what happened.

She walked in, saw me for the first time, and thought I was hideous.

I've really been struggling with my hair lately.

No, no, stop it. You have great hair.

If it worked for Sheena Easton, it can work for you.

We spent all this time texting.

I thought we had a real connection, like, really got each other.

We couldn't let him blame himself.

But, uh...he took it pretty well.

You catty bitches!

Luke, we love you, but ever since you hit puberty, you've been... a little disgusting. A little disgusting.

Don't you think I know that?!

She was my chance to turn it around.

Okay, you know what? Call her.

We'll get on the phone, we'll clear the whole thing up.

I called her. She's not picking up.

We're going to her apartment.

We messed this up, we'll fix it.

Before the cake arrives? [ Scoffs ]

I've been wanting to bury my face in that all night long.

How can you not hear this?

Okay, Joey, it's getting late.

It's time to get you up to bed.

Can you do a quick monster check first?

Yes, I can.

[ Footsteps depart ]

Phil, I can't sleep without my teddy bear, and I left him in my wagon.

Can you get him? I'm afraid of the dark.

You got it, buddy.

[ Panting ]

Joe? What are you doing?

Open the door. [ Knock on door ]

Fulgencio Joseph Pritchett!

Open the door!

[ Funky romantic music plays ]

You let me in right now, young man.

Not cool, Joe!


Joe, what is going on with this music?

My God. [ Music stops ]

Oh. Where's Phil?

Who knows with that guy?

[ Grunts ]

Honey, what happened?

Mini Casanova locked me out.

What? That is enough.

Joe, you are a little boy, and you're going to bed right now.

You're a bad Valentine!

Oh, no.

I feel like the rest of the Breakfast Club when they realized Judd Nelson was more vulnerable than they thought. I...

[ Spanish accent ] My hotel in Ibiza was my favorite.

I used to hang out with Telly Savalas, Lyle Waggoner, but the scenery here makes me like this one mucho moré.

You don't have to impress me with money or name-dropping, I think.

I like you.

Don't tell this to my madam, but I cannot accept any money from you.

Man: Excuse me, ma'am.

Can I talk with you for a moment?


I'm gonna have to ask you to leave now.


The hotel owner is very strict about women who do what you do.

Ooh, you're gonna take me to a room where the hotel owner is going to give me a very tough, sexy talking to?

No, you're gonna leave, or we're gonna call the police.

Yes, call the police. Gloria --

I've been a very, very bad girl.

[ Normal voice ] This is not a part of it.

Sir, she is not a prostitute.

This is my wife.

That's what they all say.


Yep, that's probably what I would've said.

Here she is. Ciconi.

[ Buzzing ]

What do you want?

-Oh, hi! -Here she is.

Hey! Wow.

You're actually hotter than your picture.

You know, let us talk. Hi! So, we're -- we're Luke's uncles. We're Luke's uncles.

You're his uncles? Both: Uh-huh.

And you said he put sweaty moves on brain-dead bimbos?

Okay, hadn't heard the specifics.

Okay, you know -- you know what?

We d-- We didn't mean any of that.

We're gay, and gays are snarky.

It's a cultural thing.

You know how, like, you're Italian?

[ Italian accent ] Italians talk a lot with their hands, right

[normal voice] and are much looser than one would imagine for Catholics.

Okay, okay. Let me talk right now.

Okay, Amanda, Luke's an amazing guy.

Why would I believe what you're saying now and not what you said before?

I don't know. I don't know.

You know, maybe we were just being snarky because we were jealous of you guys. Yeah.

I mean, seeing Luke all dressed up, getting ready for a first date, the -- the excitement of being young and in love.

Mm. Easy.

I-I remember when I first met Cam --

I'm Cam. This is Cam.

I knew I had met the person I was gonna spend the rest of my life with.

That's what I want, too -- a relationship, someone who's gonna be there for me.

Luke feels the same way.

I mean, this is a guy who is ready for commitment.

[ Hushed ] We've really only texted.

Okay, well, when I say -- when I say to give Luke a chance, it's because I-I know what's at stake for you.

I-I mean, you think it's amazing now?

You can't even imagine what it could grow into.

If you guys have even the smallest chance of having what we have... you have to go for it.

[ Voice breaking ] Oh, my God, Mitchell.

That is the Valentine's Day card I've always wanted.


That was sweet.

But Luke's gone.

Drive until you hear a party.

Okay. Well, you know what? Good luck, honey.

Bye, then. Yeah, take care.


You see, we have the same address and the same last name.

I was just pretending to be a prostitute because my husband has a thing for Jane Fonda in "Klute."

The body was crazy, unfortunately, so were the politics.

Well, I guess you didn't do anything wrong by hotel rules, but based on my personal belief system --

We're not looking for any input. Thank you.

I can't believe I took romantic advice from Phil, a grown man I've seen in lederhosen at least three times.

Phil told you to do the role play?

Yeah, he said you were mad this morning because I always drop the ball on days like this.

I wasn't mad at you.

I was mad at Joe because he didn't make me a Valentine.

So your 6-year-old kid doesn't give you a card, you get so mad, you throw a tire iron through the windshield.

It's got to be deeper than that.

Manny, for the first time ever, didn't make me a Valentine's, either.

That's not deeper.

That's just doubling down on the same disturbing thing.


When Manny was 5 years old, he told me that he would forever be my Valentine's.

Promises were made. I will not be ignored!

Okay, yeah. That sounded weird.

But the point is that I know that you're not good at romantic things, and I'm fine with it.

Don't let me off the hook.

If I did more, you wouldn't depend on your kids for those things.

And if I learned anything from trying to pick you up tonight, it's how lucky I was to get you in the first place.

I've got to do better.

And I didn't think anyone could get any sexier than Raoul Matadoré.

I want to remember the exact moment I fell in love with you all over again.

[ Sighs ]

[ Shatters ]

What the hell have you done?

That was my father's watch!

Poor little Joe.

You don't think I led him on, do you?

No, no.

I am not doing this.

Women always blame themselves.

Well, I'm sorry, Joe. I don't owe you anything.

You know what? I-I think I'll handle this.

Hey, buddy.

Are you gonna yell at me, too?


The reason Claire was yelling at you was to protect my feelings.

She knows I can't compete with you, which is, um... which is why I have to ask you a really big favor.

Can you pick another girl?

I mean, you can have anyone you want, but... Claire's all I've got.

I'd be lost without her.

I don't even know how I got her in the first place.

You are pretty silly.

What do you say?

Dude to dude, will you back off?


Is Haley seeing anyone?



[ Sighs ]


How'd I get back to Arvin? I don't know.

I was just looking for the parking lot when I came to a fork in the path.

Had I taken the other path, I would've just gotten in my car and gone home.


[ Footsteps approach ]

You came back!

Damn it, I did!

Why did you run off? What did I do?

Everything. And I've done nothing.

I-I feel like a loser.

You feel like a loser?

Why do you think I went on about myself so appallingly?

Ooh, look at me.

I won the Von Snootington Award for Applied Astro-Doofinomics.

You won another award? How is this helping?

Haley...I like you.

You are formidable in a way that's... that's different and exciting to me.

Yeah, well, same, but it just doesn't make sense.

I love things that don't make sense.

That's my gig. [ Chuckles ]

Let's figure this out together.

Come on.

What can I do?


That helps. [ Chuckles ]


Oh, it's so weird to think that if I had taken another path, I could be heading home right now.

Wait a minute. It's like what you said before.

In a different universe, you could be with someone else.


[ '80s-style music plays ] Um, could we -- could we change this song?

The poppy cadence is throwing off my more bluesy lovemaking style.

[ Door opens ] Oh!

Aw, geez! Dios mio!

Don't you ever knock?!

This is my bedroom!

I can't believe this is happening again!

Again? Oh.

I wish I had gotten arrested!

Mom, where are you? I made you a Valen--

Okay, what kind of freak show goes on here when I'm not around?

[ '80s-style music plays ] Um, could we -- could we change this song?

The poppy cadence is throwing off my more bluesy lovemaking style.

[ Door opens ] Oh!

Aw, geez! Dios mio!

Don't you ever knock?!

This is my bedroom!

I can't believe this is happening again!

Again? Oh.

I wish I had gotten arrested!

Mom, where are you? I made you a Valen--

Okay, what kind of freak show goes on here when I'm not around?

[ '80s-style music plays ] Um, could we -- could we change this song?

The poppy cadence is throwing off my more bluesy lovemaking style.

[ Door opens ] Oh!

Aw, geez! Dios mio!

Don't you ever knock?!

This is my bedroom!

I can't believe this is happening again!

Again? Oh.

I wish I had gotten arrested!

Mom, where are you? I made you a Valen--

Okay, what kind of freak show goes on here