Modern Family S9E15 Script

Spanks for the Memories (2018)

-Daddy. -What are you doing up?

I can't sleep.

Wait. You eat while I'm in bed?

Is there a meal I don't know about?

A couple.

But you need to hit the hay, buddy.

I need you sawin' logs until 0700.

I don't know what any of that means.

Gloria and I are going through a romantic dry spell.

Luckily, she's out tonight with her friend, Rebecca, who is married to a jackass.

Gloria always comes home ready to show her appreciation.

Suddenly, me going to bed with socks on is not such a deal-breaker.

Aw, geez. (door opens)

GLORIA: I'm home! Hey, Jay.

JAY: How's Rebecca?

She's never been better.

So, she left her husband like a month ago, and it's like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders.

Speaking of shoulders, are you ready for one of my famous massages?

No, I'm good.

(ringtone plays)

It's her.


(gasps) The waiter?

I knew he was flirting with you!

Don't forget about that clod she married!

You got one of the good guys!

(chuckles) And he didn't have to write down our order, so you know that he won't forget your birthday.

(clatter) Ay!


Joe leaves all his toys on the floor.

I tell him to pick them up, but he doesn't listen.

I'm telling you, it's a disaster in the bedroom.

I don't know what to do.

It's like he can't remember where things go.

Eventually, I get so frustrated that I take care of it myself.


Well, yeah, I guess we could try that.

Actually, now that you mention it, Javier and I tried it a long time ago.

It was a game-changer.

Ay. Rebecca is doing so well.

Sounds like she's having fun.

Navy used to make us watch films about girls like that.

Well, her husband never really gave her what she needed.

Did she tell him?

No. But sometimes it's more exciting to be with someone that already knows what you want without you telling them.

Got it.

Ay! Hey!

Wh-What the hell was that?!

Nothing! You know what?

I think I forgot to lock the front door.



-There he is. -Oh, now, don't get mad.

I know I said I was only getting tulips for the party, but I splurged and I got orchids.

Hey, I wanted the party to be special, too. Okay.

And in my defense, I didn't know about the orchids.

I got a piano.

Really, where?

I recently got a pretty fancy job working for billionaire Michael Quinly.

It's kind of a big deal. -It is a big deal.

Now, admittedly, throwing a party to celebrate your own reversal of fortune could be seen as braggy.

Sort of a rags-to-bitches story, if you will.

Then again, for a while now, when I've been telling my friends that I was struggling, they'd give me "that look" -- the one that's mostly sympathetic with just a touch of enjoying my pain.

So, today, I get the other look -- the one that's mostly "I'm so happy for you" with just a hint of "I am wracked with jealousy."

It'll be good to see the old gang again.

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah. -Yeah.

Hey, you.

What's going on? You, uh -- you texting a boy?

Just figuring out my summer plans.

I remember the summer of my junior year.

I followed N.W.A. on tour -- Nebraskans With Accordions.

This was before Polka Pete was brutally murdered, of course.

Yeah, this is a little different.

I'm actually up for an internship researching the minimal supersymmetric standard model at M.I.T.

Cool. Beantown.

I don't know why I'm getting all girly and excited about it.

It's not like I'm gonna get it anyways.

What's with the quitter talk? If you want my advice --

No, I don't, but thanks.

What is all this junk?

Fruit Roll-ups, chips, chocolate milk? Ugh.

Th-There's nothing in the fridge.

I'm packing you a lunch.

I've always heard there comes a time in life when the kid starts parenting the parents.

I thought it would be when I was in my 40s.

But I'm pretty mature for my age, and my dad claps when he gets waffle fries.

What are you even still doing home?

Don't you usually open your magic shop by now?

Yeah. I'm just going in a little late.

Doesn't sound good for business.

And I saw you sneak those carrots out of your lunch.

I'm trying to avoid one of the other shop owners.

Kind of an intimidating character.

It started with a dispute over a parking space and escalated from there.

Hey...we don't avoid bullies in this family.

We stand up to them.

Off you go.

I don't think you realize what kind of person I'm up against.

Yesterday, all my dribble glasses were replaced with real ones.

It was humiliating.

So, Long', we have a lot to catch up on.

What's up? -Not my weight.

The Tom Brady diet changed the way I see the world.

Food, not food, super-food, poison.

Oh, well, okay, that covers you.

I was going to ask about you, but, you know, I'm always nervous about the answer.

Well, you know what? Let's roll the dice.

So, it turns out that I -- -Hey, Mitch.

-Hi. -Hi.

Where's Cam? Hey. -Oh.

Claire, what a surprise.

What are you talking about?

You asked me to bring over the piano music.

"Party-time Favorites."

Oh, my gosh, how apropos.

I'll just set these on our new piano... Mm.

...that I know how to play.

Great party, boys.

We need to talk about the piano in the room.

Uh, well, yes, so, okay, okay. (chuckles)

So, Cam has always wanted one, and frankly, it has been out of our price range until this week.

Fun story. It turns out that I --

-Hi. -I'm being rude.

Sam Turnbull.

Oh! Claire Dunphy.

Hi. You are the editor of L.A. Woman magazine, right?

I believe it's pronounced [french accent] "La Woman."

It isn't.

It's funny because your office called my business last week.

Apparently, I'm on some short list for the Women in Business issue.

-Closets, right? -Yeah.

I shattered the glass ceiling -- and ironically, we have a new glass-ceiling closet.

You can see if it's raining when you're getting dressed.

Gonna save a lot of suede.

Well, it's, um, pretty competitive this year.


Anyway, I'm meeting someone on the other side of the piano.

I should leave now.


I don't even care about his stupid magazine, but to be dismissed like that?

Hey, everyone, everyone. Thank you so much for coming.

We never get to see each other anymore, what with our busy lives.

And Jotham's ambient music compositions, and, uh, Deepak's guerrilla gardening, and, well, me and my big new job working for Michael Quinly.


The rich guy whose name is on all those museums?

And hospitals, yeah. So, to all of us!

Ah, congratulations.

It's really great. We're all --

We're all so happy for you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, hey. -Hi.

You saw the look, right? Yeah.

Pure love and support with just a hint of rancid envy.

A word.

But I'm basking. Um, Cam.

So, while you were talking, I got online, and...your new boss was caught embezzling.

Your company is crumbling.

No! No! This -- This can't be happening to me again.

You know what? You'll find something else.

Oh, my -- Cam, I literally just bragged about a job that doesn't exist.

Okay, okay. They cannot know, or else this will turn into an actual pity party.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I-I got this.

Hi, everyone.

So, we are about to get to know one another on a deeper, more personal level.

I think you all know what the bowl is for.

Hey, no. Not your keys, Jotham.

Your phones!

We are about to rediscover the long-lost art of conversation.

What if the sitter calls?

Your dog will be fine. Phones, gentlemen, phones.

You're working on a Saturday?

I've been dealing with a little problem.

In moments like this, there's only one place I turn.

Well, I am flattered, Dad.


Hey, but, you know, since you're here...

Uh, it's a difficult subject.

Gloria and I...


...having an issue in the bedroom.


There's been a drop-off of pace and intensity. Mm-hmm.

I get the impression she's looking for, maybe, a little more variety.

-Mm. -But you can't blame her.

I've been using the same moves since the '70s. Hmm.

I may as well be doing "The Hustle" in there.

I'm just gonna wet my whistle.

I heard her tell her friend last night about wanting to be spanked.

And later, the opportunity presented itself, and...

No, you didn't. You didn't.

-Three times. -Oh, God. Why three times, Dad?

I don't know. Maybe all those years of ping-pong in the warehouse. I've got very agile wrists. Mm.

But I don't know how I come back from this one.

Well, uh, Dad, when you, um --

When you did what you did to Gloria, you made the sex all about her body, and a woman wants it to be about the mind.

Oh, crap. I was afraid it would be about that sort of thing.

Look, she is an intelligent, interesting woman.

And you just need to remind her that you notice that -- unlike, say, I don't know, L.A. Woman magazine, that only cares about how a woman looks.

So, we're off my thing, huh?

Hopefully forever, yes.

I ran into the editor of that magazine over at Cam and Mitch's today, and you know what?

He looks me up and down.

Suddenly, I am off their women-in-business list.

So, L.A. Woman is its own magazine now?

I remember when it was the back page of L.A. Man.

Well, I suppose I'm just not as glamorous as Linda Vaughn, the queen of corrective shoes.

And this has nothing to do with the fact that you showed up looking like someone who just watered some horses?

Who cares? What about merit?

I hear you. But you got to play the game.

I didn't get on the cover of Closet Time's September '78 issue by wearing Jordache jeans one size too big.

I'm not doing it.

They can keep their beauty contest.

I don't care.

Before you say "no," take a look at this.

It's not making the case you think it's making, Dad.

Oh, God.

Okay, that's all the phones.

Look, nobody's gonna find out about you losing your job until after the party.

(doorbell rings)

Okay, I'm -- I'm gonna get that.

You call someone about returning the piano we can no longer afford.

Well, we couldn't really afford it with your new job, either.

Why haven't you been texting me back?

Well, uh --

You're judging us, aren't you? No.

This is nothing compared to the things that I have heard that you two do -- -Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I-I never saw your text, okay?

All of our phones are in a bowl.

Oh, it's that kind of party.

What do you think that we do?

I have a problem.

Well, can it wait? I have guests.

Your father spanked me.

Eh, it's a buffet. They'll be fine.

Okay, I talked to the piano company --

Okay, okay, my dad spanked her. You're all caught up.

-What? -What did you do?

I screamed, he ran away.

And now I think he's embarrassed.

Okay, okay.

For what it's worth, sometimes people do things to other people that they want done to themselves.


Sometimes, for years on end.

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

So, you think that Jay wants me to spank him?

Well, if he's like some of the successful, powerful men I've been with, yes.

Who are those men? What are these things I don't do?

Well, I guess I could ask him if that's what he wants.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't do that.

He's probably already feeling self-conscious.

Act casual, like it never happened.

I can do that.

I haven't even said anything about this gigantic piano you have here.

Okay. Well, if it doesn't go back today, we own it, so the moving company is on the way.

Okay, well, I think our guests are gonna notice that, maybe ask a question or two.

I've got this.

Hey, guys. Hi, guys.

Mitchell and I... Maybe just Cam. Not sure yet.

...are about to remodel our bathroom, and we were wondering, does anyone here have strong opinions about interior design?

Okay. Can you guys, uh, follow me right this way?

All right, everybody in. Yep, there's plenty of room.

And I'll -- I'll just close the door, give you guys some privacy so you can speak freely.

There you go.

All right. And, oh, look at that.

(grunting) The...doorknob came off.

Sit tight. I got to fix this.

(door opens, bell rings) ALEX: Hey, Dad.

Hey, sweetie. What are you doing here?

Did you really think I wouldn't notice these?

Also, I got that internship.

I just need your signature on my insurance form.

I told you to stay positive.

How much fun is this gonna be?

It's really not about fun.

It's gonna be a lot of hard work.

The pressure's off the charts.

Well, that would explain the mental-health waiver.

The last undergrad they let into the program completely snapped.

They found her wandering the Freedom Trail wearing nothing but her safety goggles.

(door opens, bell rings)

Dunphy, you're in my spot again.

(whispers) That's her. She's your bully?

You realize she's not even that big, right?

It's mostly just hair. -Shh, shh.

Who's the jock?

Oh, Stephanie, this is my daughter Alex.

Uh, Alex, this is Stephanie.

She owns the board-game shop next door.

Yeah. I sell "MAGIC: The Gathering," and he sells magic, and no one is gathering.

Come on.

Dad, remember what we talked about.

Oh, yeah. Technically... nine is a shared parking space.

Ooh, look whose disappearing balls came back.

What do you say we settle this once and for all with the newly released collector's edition of "Wizards and Warlocks"?

Set her up.

I'm done being pushed around by you.

Winner gets the spot. It's a role-playing game.

I'm Zorel, a 19th-level wizard with 30 gold ingots and a cow who used to be my son.

I'm familiar with the game. I go to Cal-Tech.

The guy who invented it gave our commencement speech last year.

Okay, Dunphy.

When we left off, you had just sold your long sword for some beans. -Which could've been magic.

There was no indication of that.

Dad, where's all your gold?

I found that Zorel doesn't like to be weighed down by too many worldly possessions.

But the key is to pillage early and trade your gold for weapons before the Van Wickle gates open and the ogres are released.

Curse card. Your hands are now hooves.

Your roll.

Uh, but first, a proposal -- my shield for your feathered cap.

I can't watch this. Give me those.




Ah, I see where you're going with this -- calling for a peace conference with the council of elders.

No. I'm putting the council of elders on our ships and burning them. Go.

(door closes)

I'm here, casually reading a magazine, Jay.

There's my brainiac.

You didn't even have to turn around.

You knew it was me.

Oh, well, Manny's at school, and Joe doesn't have a key, so...

What are you tearing through?

Nothing. Just, like, a fashion magazine.

In English, your second language.

With all that information in your head, we should be calling you "Encyclopedia Brown" -- which sounds like a slur, but isn't.

Hey, I'll bet you can help me with something I've been struggling with.

I doubt it. (laughs)

Give me a thrill. Take a whack at it.

What exactly do you want me to do?

I'm sure you can figure out this clue.

Come on, one across. Help me get started.

Ow! What the hell?!

JOE: What the hell?!

I'll clean my room, I promise!

-Ha. -Damn it.

You made it to the Summit of Exmore.

It exists? (cellphone chimes)

Whoa. I need to get these forms in by 5:00 if I'm gonna take this internship, which I obviously am because I've been working for this my entire life.

Dad, take over. You're basically in an unlosable position.

You appear to be at a crossroads -- battle the guards at the summit gate or take a portal to lands unknown.

This would be so much easier if it was lands known.

You're not actually struggling with this, are you?

But what if the portal leads to someplace really cool?

You win by getting to the summit.

There's a 62% chance that portal leads right back to the meadow.

That's math.

You're in a house of...magic.

And you're back in the meadow.

What were you thinking?

It's fine. You know, legend has it, there's a shortcut under one of the toadstools there.

You don't win by taking shortcuts!

You win by taking the lead -- which is what I did for you by methodically clawing up the mountain, ruthlessly defeating your enemies, and then emerging victorious -- not dithering around in some meadow!

I'm gonna step out for a vape break while you two sort this out.

(door opens, closes)

You know why I like the meadow?

'Cause it lets me think about what I want to do next.

Should I battle the ogre or brave the Swamps of Despair?

Should I take the super stressful internship in Boston, or am I doing that just because I think I'm supposed to?

(scoffs) I beat out hundreds of candidates.

I would be working with the pre-eminent scholar in the field.

This is the chance of a lifetime.

Yeah, but it's your lifetime.

It's okay to enjoy it.


No one turns this down.

Well, you always liked being the first one to do something.

Give yourself the summer you want.

You've collected enough gold ingots to buy yourself some time off.

It won't make me lazy, will it?

Honey, you walked at six months, spoke at a year, and your first words were "Sorry it took me so long to walk."


Okay, so, the piano's gone.

Oh, by the way, that sound you heard was the bottom of the truck scraping against the street, so... -Okay, yeah.

Yeah, I don't know, Cam. Is this really gonna sell it?

Yes, it is.

I've learned in my 36 years that, if you believe a lie, others will, too.

Okay, release the guests.


Okay, all fixed.

Figures. Just as your Xanax is kicking in.

(indistinct chatter)

Hey, guys, so, listen.

We've kept you cooped up on this beautiful day.

Why don't we turn this party into a garden party?

(chatter, murmuring)

Why is your piano covered with a sheet?

Oh, um, well, because they recommend it.

They say even five minutes of direct sunlight on a new piano like this, your keyboard turns into something like an English person's teeth, so...

Huh. Yeah.

Okay, well, so why doesn't everyone just... Yeah.

...grab some appetizers and any wine that's already opened...

-Already opened wine. -...and we'll --

Hello, boys.

What are you doing here?

Didn't you get my text?

No, all of our phones are in a bowl.

-Ew. -It's not dirty... unlike that dress.

Hi, Sam.

Oh, my God.

Okay, you're that desperate to get into the magazine.

No. I am going to expose him for the fraud that he is.

He claims that his precious little list is merit-based.

When I was wearing sweatpants, he wasn't interested.

Now that I've gussied up a little...

He's gonna put you on the cover.

Really? Do you think? Shut up.

Hey, Cam, there was an article in an old Details magazine I was reading in your bathroom about the need to support your friends.

We do want to hear you play.

-No, you know what? -Let's not. Let's not.

I just don't even feel like I'm in the mood anymore.

You're a bigger liar than your scale.

Come on. -One song.

No one gets to leave this room until you do.

Okay, well...

I must say, you do look beautiful.

You remind me of my first beard.

Thank you.

I'm a lady in the streets and a freak in the spreadsheets.

It's not a bad caption, if you're still interested in using me in your magazine.

(keyboard playing)

Sounds a little...thin.

Oh, well, all the best ones do.

You're probably used to a cheaper, fuller-sounding, uncovered piano.

* Another bride, another groom *

Oh, from "Fabulous Baker Boys."

* Another sunny honeymoon *

What a sexy movie.

* Another season When Michelle Pfeiffer first...

* Another reason

...leapt into our hearts.

(all gasp)

Wait, where's the piano?

I'm -- I'm fine, by the way.

So, we did get rid of the piano.

Um, we -- we can't afford it anymore.

That great job that I had? Uh, I lost it.


I couldn't have been more wrong about our friends.

I mean, yes, yes, they can be snarky at times, but when I really needed their support, they were completely there for me.

You know, you should take a look at your life and see what happened to make you so untrusting.

I should. G-Gaw!

And to think we -- we locked them in that bathroom for no reason.

That couldn't have been fun.

Yeah, I know.

Uh, the same thing happened to me once, remember?

When that -- the handle accidentally fell off.

The -- The -- The night of our first fight.

Yeah. Yeah, vaguely.

That was an accident, right?

-Cam. -Did you fix the doornob yet?

Just another minute, sweetie.


I talked to Joe about what he saw, and he's not scared anymore.

Great. Can you do the same for me?

I'm sorry I did that to you, but I really thought that that's what you wanted because that's what you did to me.

But I heard you tell Rebecca you thought that spanking would help.

With Joe and his room. was a misunderstanding.


So, there's nothing missing from our love life.

-Right. -Right.

Yeah, but, you know, that nothing is missing doesn't mean that we cannot add a little something to it.

Yes, I'm being honest.

I've got a...few requests for the band.

Like what?

You know, I feel weird talking about it.

Why don't we write some of this stuff down, toss it in a hat, and see what we pull out?


You fired that right off.

That one sounds fun. (laughs)

No peeking.

Ay, I said I was gonna do that one. Oh.


Let's take it upstairs. -Okay.


-What's this? -Oh, you know what?

I think that is the hat that Manny uses to play charades.

That's a relief, because I don't think I'm flexible enough for a "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang."

-You ready for round two? -Of course, I am.

What are you doing down there?

It says, "My left foot."

You got another movie.

(both exhale sharply)

God, that was amazing. What do you call that?

That's a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

PHIL: You sure about this?

Honey, don't give me a chance to change my mind.

I am Zorel, fifth-level wizard, master of the meadow.

You can keep the beard, but no talking.

-- Captions by VITA --